Previously on Phil's Phantabulous Phrolicking Phollies: London was calling, and the teams faithfully answered, even though they were near Cancun and therefore all woozy on Hawaiian Tropic fumes. Aaron and Arianne continued to lead the HugeTiny alliance, but they traded the matching camouflage team of Jill and John "Bon Bon" Vito for the matching peach tank-top team of Heather and Eve, which sounds eerily like a trade the Phillies would have made during my tortured youth. The bizarre preoccupation of the HugeTinies with the strapping Derek and Drew continued. (Huge props to whatever editor cut the previouslys and followed Arianne's "good looks and straight teeth" comment with a shot of a twin's giant mouth, his very large straight teeth about three inches from the camera. Nice!) Eve suggested that perhaps the race would be easier if someone else carried some of her stuff, at which point the ghosts of Margarita, Margaretta, Emily, Nancy, Amie, Karyn, Mary, Peach, Tara, and a whole lot of other chicks who toted their own gear until their backs ached came out from behind European landmarks to kick her in the shins. An unlikely, opposites-attract friendship began to emerge between Derek and Drew, the conventionally pretty but surprisingly able brothers, and Kenny and Gerard, the lovably goofy but surprisingly able brothers. All the teams took buses and cabs to a town in Scotland that initially proved difficult to find -- almost as if it disappeared at the end of every day and didn't reappear for a hundred years. (Oh, come on, don't be a baby. I realize the aversion some people have to musical theater, but one Brigadoon joke won't kill you.) Teri was really not cut out for the Highland Games. Ian's hat began to permanently fuse to his head, to the point where it would not budge. Scientists arrived to study whether this might be the breakthrough that would one day lead them to the invention of pantyhose that don't droop. The lovable Dennis and Andrew were regrettably eliminated, despite a valiant dash for the Fast Forward that culminated in a tank ride and a chauffeured limo. "Who will be eliminated..." A relatively short pause allows only three generations of mayflies to hatch and mature. "…tonight?"
Credits. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, goalies get the worst injuries in all of youth soccer. Port wine is certified by the Port Wine Institute, which is currently concerned that demand for fussy wine in countries such as the United States seems to be softer than it would like. According to the Majestic Café's web site, as translated automatically by Google, "The Majestic has a heterogenea clientele today, that it goes of habituees, witnesses of the days where it only entered of fact and necktie, to the tourists, of curiosity sharpened for the traveller's guides, passing for all those that go acquiring the custom of living the coffee as point of privileged meeting of leisure and culture." Tuition at Harvard Law School for the 2002-03 academic year is $29,500. Hooked on Phonics Classic sells for $299.95. The New Oxford American Dictionary is available at Amazon.com for $35.00. The domain name "www.frenchforeignlegion.org" is currently for sale by its owner. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Have you heard about this Ghost Ship movie at all? Do you hear its grinding guitar music in your dreams? That's so funny. Me, too.
Drunken cameramen cause coronary problems for their life insurance agents as they careen around the Scottish countryside. We crash-zoom to a castle that Phil describes as a "fortress." Phil, standing on a scenic seaside cliff and wearing a lovely moss-green sweater that oddly blends in with the background, explains that this was the third pit stop on this big race around the world that he's overseeing. And what did the teams do here? Eat, sleep, mingle. Unfortunately, the E/S/M segment shows Jill and John Vito socializing with the HugeTinies. Bah! Break free, Jill and John Vito! Reject the dark side! Route markers, sealed envelopes...oh, and once again, the Exposition Hands are on crack, which means it must be a good episode, jam-packed with stuff more important than my seeing these hands rip open this envelope for the thirtieth time. Phil wonders whether the HugeTinies will "make good on their vow" to eliminate the twins. "Make good on their vow"? Gosh, Phil. How Godfather-ish, especially for a group of people whose only apparent capacity for menace involves the threat that they might whine their enemies to death. Phil also wonders if Teri and Ian can get their groove back. Ew. Forget I said that. I don't want to think about the fact that they even have a groove, never mind getting it back. Just pretend Phil wonders aloud if Ian will ever take the hat off. "Will Ian...ever take his hat off?" You can hear it, can't you?
10:56 PM. Derek and Drew, a.k.a. Team Unsettling Internet Naked Pictures That Are Serious Art, So Stop Giggling (okay, that's probably a little unwieldy) are set to leave. They have those gingham-curtain shirts on again today, but now they're wearing them over black long-sleeved shirts. Now that is a mistake. They're like the fashion offspring of a hick and a drama major. Hint, boys: The only thing that should emerge from shirts like that? Your shoulders. That is the only way those shirts will be forgiven. At any rate, the clue tells them to walk to Stonehaven Harbor to find their route marker. (Interestingly enough, they do not stop and ask each other whether this might mean they can take a taxi to Stonehaven Harbor to find their route marker.) When they get to the harbor, they'll have to look for a message in a bottle. This actually made me scream in horror, until I realized they just had to look for a message in a bottle, and not see Message In A Bottle, which holds the remarkable distinction of being possibly the most soporific film in the Kevin Costner oeuvre. Even I would not support subjecting the racers to that. We see some feet walking in fast-mo as Phil explains that the walk to the harbor is about a mile and a half. Team SugarTwin (too commercial?) takes off into the night, asking directions along the way. In an interview, they explain that they're getting the impression that the other teams just don't like them for some reason. Wow, I'm at least glad they're catching on. Otherwise, a lot of people are expending a lot of energy being snots for nothing.
10:58 PM. Ken and Gerard rip open their clue. As they leave, Gerard interviews that they're entering into an alliance with Derek and Drew, and the four of them have agreed to leave the pit stop together. Now this could be a useful alliance, provided they keep in mind that it's, you know, mutually opportunistic and transitory, as I always say. Ken and Gerard are again calling their alliance-mates the "Wonder Twins." Heh. Form of...a gorilla! Shape of...an ice bridge! The Band of Brothers alliance tries to pick up the pace and jog a little to see if they can put a little distance between themselves and the HugeTinies.
10:59 PM. FloZach. As they leave the castle, she asks him which direction they're going. (Because, I guess, she thinks he has a cheat sheet or a shooting script or something.) He says he doesn't know. "Can you just take a break and think for one second?" she says. "About what?" he says warily. "What direction we're going in," she says in her patronizing voice, which is a little different from her cheese-grater voice. He voices over about how they're trying to "accommodate [each other's] needs," essentially dancing around the fact that she's being a whiny pain in the ass, but he loves her like a...well, at least like a cousin or a neighbor or something, and he's trying to overlook the whole whiny-pain-in-the-ass thing for that reason. But he says it a lot more diplomatically than that.
11:00 PM. Aaron and Arianne. She reads that they get $150 for the leg (no hookers and horse races this week, kids!), and he says, "Yes, we do!" They hike, amusing themselves by saying "up and down" over and over again in their bad Scottish voices. Okay, that's exactly what my friends and I would be doing, in fairness, and it made me giggle a little, so I won't fault them for that. But immediately, they plunge right into their obsessive hunt for the elusive twins, a.k.a. Team Dented Fender (okay, I promise that's the last naked picture reference). Among other things, Aaron says that they want to "surpass the twins," which sort of makes no sense. He really just wants the word "pass," because that's what he means. Fortunately, one of the forum posters was smart enough this week to finally point out the clear similarity between Aaron and Arianne's quest and another obsessive hunt involving crazy people, and to give them the name that is rightly theirs: Team Aahab. In case you're wondering, the extra "A" is for "Annoying," or it emphasizes the overabundance of As in their names, or it looks like the beginning of "Aaron," depending on your perspective. It also may allow the occasional whale joke, but I will try to keep from sneaking them in all over the place, I swear.
Anyway, Team Aahab continues to hunt the twins with their big flashlight and their wristbands and their other tools of destruction. Their quest is explained in the voice-overs that accompany their stroll toward the harbor. "We're hoping that if we can keep riding their asses," Aaron snots, "that we can overcome." You know, among other things, they are making these twins out to be much more of a big deal than they are. It's only the very beginning of the fourth leg, and the twins have already taken their FF. The fact that they're in first? It's really not THAT big an indicator, you know? Oh, and also, Aaron says "riding their asses." And for those of us whose maturity level retains the capacity to dip into the vicinity of seventh grade, that's mighty funny.
11:01 PM. Heather and Eve. In an interview in which she is still sporting that blue eyeshadow she stole from the Partridge Family exhibit at the Museum of Television and Radio, Heather explains that the race "ignites [her] competitive fire" and makes her excited, but unfortunately it makes Eve all droopy and sad. Eve says she's been spending a lot of time crying. Gosh, that's not a good sign. My God, Heave has Killer Fatigue! And it's only the fourth leg! Shocking. Don't they know that the law firm of Heels, Hose & Pearls will expect them to bill 2,200 hours a year? What will they do then? This has got to be the earliest case of Killer Fatigue ever. And you know what Killer Fatigue leads to, don't you? Mental errors. Heh heh.
The Band of Brothers strains to stay ahead of the surging HugeTinies. As the teams walk along the dark road looking for paths to the harbor, Flo says, "This is officially now a Twin Hunt." Flo just could not need to shut up more. "Those twins," she interviews. "They just need to make one mistake. And they'll make it. I hope it's soon." Excuse me, but when did Derek and Drew become James Bond villains? Are they really that scary? What ever happened to running your own damn race? Shut up, Flo. A lot.
11:13 pm. Michael and Kathy open their clue. As they leave the castle, Kathy voices over, "Michael is Type C and I'm Type A, and hopefully maybe we can make a B together." I'm sorry, say again? I know what a "Type A" is, but what in the hell is "Type C"? "Make a B together"? That sounds like the lyrics of a boy band song. Or, actually, not a real boy band song, but a song that a thirteen-year-old writes and sends to her favorite boy band, hoping they'll sing it. And they never do, and then she starts wearing black and listening to old Velvet Underground LPs she found in her father's desk, and it's all because no one would perform her song, "Alphabet Boy, Alphabet Girl." But anyway. As they walk up the path, Michael says, "Beware the werewolf!" And then he growls. And my friends and I would do that a little bit, too. Heh.
The Band of Brothers continues to look for the path to the clue, but FloZach finds a shortcut. By going literally off the beaten path, the HugeTinies pick up time going to the harbor, and they find the clue bottles first. Arianne takes pride in noting that if the bottles are "port," then the destination must be Portugal. Of course, if you lacked that knowledge, you could also tell from the way the bottles have the address of the location on them, and the way that at the bottom, it says, "Portugal." Man, this episode is like the anti-PSA for Reading Is Fundamental.
Over a couple of shameless pictures of gorgeous American Airlines planes, Phil explains that teams now have to fly to Portugal. Domo arigato, Mr. Repeato, but we were listening, you know. They're going to the Calem Port Lodge, where they'll get their clue.
Right on the heels of the HugeTinies, the BoB alliance rushes onto the scene and grabs their clue bottles.
Aaron tries to flag down a car to get some help, and it drives right by. "I thought everyone in Scotland was supposed to be so nice," he snots, in an accent that is (1) more "Cockney" than "Scottish," and (2) more "ass" than "Cockney." Arianne's Funny Foreign Accent is much better than his.
Back at the bottles, Michael and Kathy grab their clue.
The HugeTinies and the BoBs all wind up at pay phones, trying to pre-book flights to Portugal. A twin observes that Gerard is The King Of The Airport Booking Process. Wow, if this alliance has a guy in it who can work the airport, it has some nice strengths going for it. No whiners, no slackers, good looks for when that helps, and an airport genius. Nice. I also like the way that Gerard rubs his head while he books tickets. Is it good luck to rub your own bald head? That would be really handy, though I sort of think it would give bald men an unfair advantage in the grand scheme of things. But it would explain a lot about Jesse Ventura. FloZach, meanwhile, books tickets for themselves, Heave, and Aahab. Michael and Kathy, cut loose temporarily from the rest of the HugeTinies, seek help from a young bald fellow who tries to help them with the use of his cell phone. Michael tells Kathy to give the kid a couple of pounds for the use of the phone, and he waves her off. "It's free!" he says. "It's my mom's phone!" HA! Everyone laughs. Ah, international freeloaders.
1:59 AM. Jill and John "Bon, John Bon" Vito. Here's Jill's voice-over: "What don't I love about John Vito? He's just...so kind, and so good to me. I know he appreciates me, and he treasures me and finds me special, too, and I think that's what makes us the great couple that we are." That is so cute. Nothing is cooler than choosing "kind" as the first word to describe how much you love your boyfriend. Furthermore, she says it with this tone of surprise, like it strikes her again every day how cool he is, and that's excellent, too. What don't I love about that speech? She rules. Jill for President.
Funny Bald Freeloader puts Michael and Kathy in a cab and says goodbye. They thank him. Thanks, Funny Bald Freeloader! In the cab, Kathy comments that she finally feels good, after they've been lagging for a while. Michael does a little drum-machine-club-dance thing in the cab, which is...kind of annoying, but if he knows it's dorky, it might also be a little bit funny. It's hard to tell. If Michael thinks he's cool, we have serious issues. If he's pretending to think he's cool, he might be a tiny bit funny.
Jill and John Vito grab their bottle, and are happy just to be going to Portugal. Note that Jill's hair is all wavy and wacky this week, like she didn't get a chance to blow it out straight or something. Maybe we're finally leaving the first part of the race, in which people still delude themselves into thinking they can do the whole thing without stinking or being caught on television with their hair going in five directions. That part of the race never lasts.
The HugeTinies (minus Kathy/Michael) catch a cab for the airport, as do the BoBs. Jill and John Vito stop into a hotel to call a cab. She says, "Can somebody call me a taxi?" tempting goofy people around the world to say, "You're a taxi!" and then hang their heads in shame. At least that's what I did. But in fairness to myself, I felt I had no choice. In the HugeTinyTaxi, Aaron says that "it's all about chasing down those goddamn brothers." So now I guess the Brothers Oppositamazov are on Aaron's Moby Dick List also. "Down with the brothers," Aaron says. Zach (I believe) adds that "the Twins are evil." Oh, so's your hair, Guar-meanie.
The HugeTinyTaxi arrives at the airport just before the BoBs. John Vito and Jill are close behind, which kind of surprises me, considering that they left fully three hours after the HugeTinies and BoB. I have to wonder how that happened. Jill screams and runs into Aaron's arms. EW! Okay, Jill for Vice-President. She hugs Aaron some more. Okay, Jill for Postmaster General. Cut your losses, Jill, or I'll be putting you up for County Registrar. Jill Bon Vito confirms with Aahab that they have tickets on the flights to Portugal, too. The BoBs observe this giant HugeTiny "powwow" with some amusement. A Twin snots that it's better having it divided into two alliances, because it's "more competitive." Eh. Ignore the petty, Twin. Don't feed it. Everyone runs into "Aberdeen International Airport." Who knew?
Standard airport establishing shots, uh...establish the airport. The HugeTinies (including Mike and Kathy), Jill and John Vito, and the BoBs all get on the same flight from Aberdeen to London. (So, to review, that's everybody except Ian the Teri-ble and Firecop.) Aaron and Arianne congratulate themselves again for catching up to the twins. Because arranging those flight schedules is a real act of quality racing. Woo! Also, now Derek and Drew are wearing their gingham-curtain shirts over gray T-shirts. Equally wrong, fellas. Strike two.
5:26 AM. Firecop. They make the obligatory Braveheart joke on their way to the harbor. Well, actually, it's not a joke. They just say "Braveheart." Ah, well. They comment that they're convinced it'll be either them or Ian and Teri who will be out, and they don't think Ian and Teri can keep up with them.
5:28 AM. Teri and Ian. Okay, I swear to God, I did everything I could to avoid hat references this season. I was well-intentioned and honorable. I have tried other things, I have tried to distract myself, I have tried snapping my wrist with rubber bands...but there is no avoiding this hat Ian is wearing. He wears it all day long. Every day. He wears it in the sun, he wears it in the dark. He wears it at the airport, he wears it at a castle. He wears it no matter what. And of all the assy, ridiculous hats that this show has ever produced, I would take back every single thing I have ever said about any of them if it meant I didn't have to look at Ian's Pepe Le Pew French Foreign Legion hat ever again. I love the Tilley hat. I love the knit hats. I love the bandannas, the backwards baseball caps, the fishing hats with "Team Guido" embroidered on them...I can even live with the visor, for the love of Pete. Because this hat, above all others, deserves to be rolled up, spat on, stuck through with pins, set on fire, doused with cheap beer, and rolled up in an old fish wrapper before being disposed of, because it is seriously the biggest affront to my sensibilities since Josh's TiVo beard.
I feel so much better now.
Anyway, Teri and the Hat discuss, in an interview at the castle, that they "knew either Damon and Andre would be last or we would," which I suspect is a reference to thepreviousday's finish, given that it's clearly a Scotland-locale interview, but I suppose it still works.
Firecop finds the bottles and discovers they're going to Portugal. They pass Teri and Ian just as they leave, and then they go into town and look for transportation to the airport. Teri and the Hat are hot on their trail. "How do we get to Portugal?" the Hat asks Teri as they walk along the street, perusing the clue. I have this urge to say "practice, practice, practice," but that's a different joke. Teri remarks that they'll have to fly, which I'm certainly glad they were able to figure out. Not that I wouldn't have enjoyed the swimming footage. In town, Andre gets on the phone to book a flight. Ian also gets on the phone and calls their driver from the day before, telling him, "We got our clue and our route and I need your help." Excuse me, "we got our clue"? Can we go back to the rule that you're not really supposed to tell people everywhere you go that you're in a race? Whatever happened to that rule? That was a really, really good rule. For some reason, Andre and Damon watch Teri and Ian through binoculars from down the street. I'm not sure what that's going to accomplish at this point, but...okay. They see Ian and Teri get a cab out of town, and realize they're the only ones still in Stonehaven. The Firecop cab gets underway shortly thereafter.
Firecop and Teri and the Hat wind up on the same 10:00 AM flight from Aberdeen to London.
In London, Flo explains that when the big crowd arrived in London, they discovered that the BoB had booked themselves on a connecting route through Cologne to Portugal, whereas the HugeTinies were all taking a direct flight. The BoB connecting route is scheduled to get them into Portugal earlier -- it's hard to tell whether the Twin who explains it says "forty-five minutes" or "twenty-five minutes" (I think he says "twenty-five"), but either way? Yikes. Not a big advantage, considering that we learn that the tradeoff is that they only have a half-hour to connect in Cologne, which is close to impossible in terms of connection times. Oy. I'm surprised they'd even book you tickets cutting it that closely. I have to say, I'd call that a poor decision. I understand about taking some risks, but there is only a very small payoff there, and the risk if it doesn't work is enormous.
The stragglers, Firecop and Teri and the Hat, arrive in London. They meet up with the HugeTinies at the gate. Aaron, still angling for that pot/kettle award, grumbles his annoyance that Teri and Ian have arrived, "as loud and obnoxious as ever." Ian says, on the other hand, that he feels great, what with the bunching and everything. "Someone else [can] smell some rear end for a while," he says. Yuck. You can just hear dogs all around the world yipping, "Bark! Bark! Don't associate yourself with our time-honored socialization rituals, you big jerk! Bark, bark!"
Arianne points out that everyone except BoB is now on the same flight, so they're hoping that BoB will miss the connection in Cologne. In Cologne, the London-Cologne flight lands. Gerard urges everyone to hustle it to the Cologne-Portugal leg. They voice over that they had about five minutes to run across two terminals. At the Lufthansa check-in, however, the nice lady tells them they're too late, and the plane is leaving without them. Sigh. They despair.
Commercials. All right, if I have to accept Adam Sandler as a romantic hero, then the universe is just as screwed up as I've always feared, and all hope is gone.
The drunken cameramen are downright jittery as the British Airways flight carrying the HugeTinies and the Lufthansa flight that the Band of Brothers is trying to make prepare for departure. In Cologne, the BoB continues to try to beg its way onto the flight. On the HugeTinies flight, everyone is hoping that BoB will be left holding the bag. Finally, Friendly Check-In Lady calls out to the gate and tells them to hold the BoB plane. Ooh, dodged a bullet there, guys. Gerard interviews that the BoB alliance suits him just fine, thank you very much, and seems to work well for everyone.
The two Amazing Yellow Lines from Cologne and London converge on Porto, Portugal. BoB arrives first, as planned, and jumps into taxis. They're heading for Calem Port Lodge, which Phil explains is a winery on the edge of town. In the TwinCab, Drew comments that traveling with Oppositamazov has been terrific. "We get along so well with them," he says. Aw -- this is always my favorite part, where the people who you wouldn't think necessarily have anything in common get together and like each other. And you know who I think caused this pretty strong bond to develop? The HugeTinies. Nice going, Captains Counterproductive.
The HugeTinies plane arrives in Porto. "I'm going to get ugly if I have to," Ian comments. Well, the hat is a good start. Inside the terminal, he starts yelling for a cab. "Taxi! Taxi!" Outside the terminal, he yells some more. He and Teri get a cab near where Aahab grabs theirs. In the Aahab cab, Aaron snots that "Ian defines 'ugly American.' You don't walk in screaming and yelling in the middle of a terminal." I agree with him, actually -- not that it makes any sense for him to be the one saying it, given the way he acts himself. Aaron calls Ian a "pig." Eh, I won't argue with that. But then he says he wants "to see them go down," and he goes, "Ch-ching!" Not to nitpick, but that's not what "ch-ching" even means. Considering that he follows up with a snotting of, "Thank you for playing," it would appear that what Aaron wanted was a sound effect representing elimination, which would certainly not be "ch-ching." I'm sorry, but I'm just saying. If you're going to drag out your full complement of hip clichés, you have to be prepared for the fact that you're going to be held to a fairly high standard. He might try a buzzing noise time. In his cab, the Hat declares that "the gloves are off" and "the race is on."
Back at the airport, everyone else is grabbing cabs as well. In the TwinCab, Drew makes a very amusing face as they look determinedly for the route markers. That shot makes me feel a lot better about not really thinking they're that good-looking. BoB is indeed first to the route marker. They hop out of their cabs and go into the winery, where they find the clue for this week's Detour. This week, the ultimate task is to deliver wine from the winery to restaurants in town. The choices are Old School or New School. (Gross. What a desperate grab for hip.) (Also on my list of grievances, Phil is wearing a thin blue sweater I don't like. Phil, don't let them talk you into those fussy clothes.) In Old School, the team "helps" oarsmen paddle a boat to deliver one barrel of wine. In New School, the team takes a pickup truck and delivers three cases of wine to three different restaurants. This is a classic Tortoise/Hare detour, by the way, in that the boat is a very safe bet, but the truck seems faster, and if you did the truck flawlessly, I think you might indeed pick up time. In the truck, though, you can easily run into many, many more unpredictable factors than you will rowing the boat. Also, as is often the case with Tortoise/Hare detours, the Tortoise option (here, the boat) is more physically demanding, so if you're getting tired, it has that as a disadvantage as well. Let's watch!
Both teams in the BoB alliance choose Old School. They roll out the barrels (so to speak) in the direction of the boats. The Tense Majestic Theme For Strings plays as Derek and Drew wallow in their gorgeousness and get aboard their boat. Elsewhere, the same Wacky Adventures Theme For Keyboards And Bassoon that accompanied Gerard and Kenny in the punt last week accompanies them onto the wine boat. I wonder if that means they're going to fall in the water. There's really not time for falling in this week the way there was last week, though. More beautiful strings as the Twins row, and then more Wacky Adventures music as Ken and Gerard row.
Michael and Kathy wait patiently for their taxi to get them to where they're going. They really don't have good luck with the cabbies knowing where they need to be. I have to wonder whether, at some crucial point, they failed to tip.
BoB completes the boat ride, with Derek and Drew leading the way, and then they look for the restaurant where they need to make their delivery. One of the twins congratulates the other on "manhandling" the barrel, and Gerard congratulates Ken on his barrel technique as well. "Look at him go!" Gerard says admiringly.
Back at the lodge, the HugeTinies are arriving, as are Teri and the Hat and Firecop. Aahab chooses the boat (logically enough -- heh) and so do Teri and Ian, but John Vito and Jill, Heave, FloZach, and Firecop choose the trucks. Michael and Kathy? Not on the scene yet.
Derek and Drew complete their wine delivery, and the clue tells them to get to Gate F of the Estadio do Restelo, a Lisbon soccer stadium. This will involve a two-hundred-mile train trek, which the clue specifically requires. In fact, it seems to be downright lawyery on the subject, stating, "You must travel to Lisbon by train, arriving by train at the so-and-so station...." Boy, that whole Castelfranco Emilia thing certainly never is far from anyone's mind, is it? BoB gets directions to the train station, and learns that it's within walking distance.
Teri and the Hat are having a few problems communicating. They actually walk out in opposite directions, and she yells, "Where are you going?" "Boats!" he yells. "Truck!" she yells. "Boats! Old School!" he continues. She wonders if he's doing it right. Language Arts teachers continue to take stiff drinks to survive the episode. Teri and Ian take off in their boat just on the heels of Aahab, who are paddling ahead of them. Aaron wants the boat guy to tell him how to go faster. Surprisingly enough, the guy doesn't say, "Ah, yes, sir. Faster! Well, to go faster, you would push this red button." And then Aaron would have said, "Red button? Where? Where?" And then the Portuguese boat guy would say "idiot" in Portuguese, and I would laugh. And I don't even speak Portuguese. The thing to note about this rowing sequence, really, is that the Racers don't need to do anything except stay out of the way, despite the clue's reference to "helping." I mean, I guess they're helping a little bit, but some of them (Teri in particular) seem to be hindering, by not being able to get the feel of the stroke. (Oh, shut up.) In truth, my favorite part of that sequence is when Aaron first tells Arianne that Teri and Ian are following them and are right there. Arianne says, "On the boat?" Aaron says, "On the boat." And then there's this little pause, and Arianne goes, "Ew." It's pretty funny. And why? Because it's spontaneous and doesn't feel like mugging.
The New School racers (Firecop, Heave, FloZach, and Jill and John Vito) load their trucks with wine. Firecop drops a crate of wine. CRASH! So sad. You know, I would have charged some kind of penalty for that or something, because the reason he dropped it was that he was carrying three at once to try to gain an edge. I hope the show paid the winery for all those nice bottles. The trucks take off.
Things are tense out on the water between my least favorite teams. Aahab beats Teri and the Hat to the other side. Oh, the indifference!
Firecop is looking for the restaurant where they need to deliver the wine. They make the first delivery successfully, and Jill and John Vito follow. Meanwhile, Ian and Teri unload the ninety-pound wine barrel (and who's pushing it? She is, of course, while he asks directions), as do Aaron and Arianne. FloZach and Heave begin their deliveries. In the John Bon Vito truck, he rereads the directions. You know, reading the directions is a good thing. Firecop doesn't read them, though (at which point failure to read clues carefully stops merely being a subtle underpinning of this episode and becomes a downright theme), and tries to make the second delivery at the place where the clue says they have to go last. (You have to hit the Majestic Café last, you see, because that's where the clues are.)
Jill and John Vito approach the second delivery point. He says "hola" to the people in the restaurant. BZZZT! It's Portugal, buddy. But they seem to politely know he means to be friendly. He's happy to hear that they're the first to reach this point.
Heave truck. Eve is sitting in the driver's seat for some unknown reason, despite the fact that she can't get the truck into gear and Heather can. So Heather keeps reaching forward between the front seats and putting the truck in gear so Eve can drive. Excuse me, but why doesn't Heather just drive? I feel like there must be some explanation for it, but it's hard for me to figure out what it would be. ["I'm going to go way out on a limb and suggest that said explanation contains the phrase 'dumb bints.'" -- Sars] At some point, getting out and pushing the truck would have been faster than what they're doing.
Heave, Firecop, and FloZach converge on the second delivery point at the same time, and Eve manages to park the truck she can't drive in such a way that Firecop is trapped. Even though Firecop is finished delivering, they can't move their truck and get on the way, and they grumble in frustration. Damon yells at Eve to move the damn truck.
Michael and Kathy are not even at the Detour yet, because they once again have the world's most aimless cab driver. Michael is beginning to think the driver has no idea where he's going. Uh-oh. Michael says they can't be eliminated at this point, because they're "too damn good." Oh, okay. Well, then, I'm sure you'll be just fine.
Commercials. You don't really need to live near the person you're dating, as long as you have compatible cell phones.
Kathy and Michael are still waiting for their cab to get where it's going. They eventually get to the winery, and they choose Old School, because Michael doesn't think he can drive on the narrow streets of Porto. Hmm. I'm not sure it's a good sign that they almost always pick their Detour option by deciding that they can't or won't do one or the other of the options, so they'll take the other. Biking is too corny, skydiving is out, can't drive the truck...see what I mean? You'd think it would be better if they were just choosing between the options based on what's faster. Just a suggestion.
Back at The Blocked-In Truck Follies, Eve tries to tell Andre and Damon that they should help her carry the wine from the truck into the restaurant, because that way, she can get the truck moved sooner. Yuck. They do indeed wind up carrying the wine in for her, with Damon telling her the whole time to move the truck right now. She's actually lucky he was that nice. Eventually, all the wine is delivered, and the painful process of Eve actually trying to move the truck begins.
At the train station, BoB works on getting their train tickets, followed closely by Aahab. Meanwhile, Michael and Kathy row. He slyly says, "This ain't no nursery rhyme." Har. Har. Oh, yeah. He is so money!
Jill and John Vito deliver to their last stop, the Majestic Café. They cooperate in bringing the wine in, and on their way out, John Vito takes the time to give a little, "Beautiful restaurant." Aw. What a sweetheart.
In the Heave truck, Eve congratulates herself on being so incompetent that Andre and Damon had to carry her wine in so she could move the truck. "I was like, 'I'm not moving unless you carry them,'" she snots self-congratulatorily. Hate her. Hate. Her. When they arrive at the delivery spot, Heave winds up again blocking the path of Firecop. Andre is very frustrated by this development. "She's killin' me, D, she's killin' me," he despairs. It looks like they then try to find another way to approach the restaurant. As they drive, Damon pipes up from the back seat. "What do you expect from a Harvard girl, dude? That's not part of her curriculum, driving cars." Probably true. "I'm surprised she ain't hit anyone yet, or driven through a store," Firecop muses. "Everybody watch out, American driver in front!" Andre yells, pointing at Heave. When it comes time to stop, Andre reassures his buddy that he has no problems. "I've got plenty of room. I didn't go to Harvard." Heh. I mean, Harvard jokes are a tiny bit too easy, so you have to be careful. But the first few times? Funny. Ivy League humor is always allowed.
Michael and Kathy finish with the boat and begin the barrel-roll. They finish the delivery and head for the train station.
Everyone converges on the station. A very nice edit shows Teri and the Hat saying about the bunching, "It felt good!" followed directly by interview footage of Gerard saying, "We felt awful." Heh.
Finally, Firecop, FloZach, and Heave finish the deliveries. But first, Eve smashes the truck into a post. It's like she's working her way through a checklist of annoying and stereotypical helpless-female behaviors. "Refuses to carry own boxes." Check. "Displays inability to drive stick." Check. "Congratulates self for forcing own rescue." Check. "Hits something with car." Check. Go away, Eve.
In the end, though, in spite of the truck problems and the inability to drive and the broken bottles and everything, what we wind up with at the train station, when all is said and done, is a nine-way tie. Yep. A nine-way tie. Arianne, displaying quite a bit of nerve, complains and bitches about the bunching, and how there was no way for them to separate themselves from the other teams. Excuse me, but boo-hoo, dear. You've gotten boosts from this same phenomenon several times already. In fact, every single instance of your "we caught up with the twins!" crowing has resulted from that factor alone. And now you're griping that you can't maintain your little lead over the people who are behind you? My goodness. Whatever. Everyone boards the same train to Lisbon. Oooh, tension! Michael and Ken both observe on the train that they're coming up on what's sure to be the Roadblock, and basically whatever team comes out on the bottom of the Roadblock is going to be out. For obvious reasons, Ken thinks this development sucks, Michael is fairly indifferent, and Teri thinks it's the greatest news ever. Aaron and Arianne comment that the HugeTiny alliance has been temporarily suspended, because the stakes are so high. And of course, they wouldn't want to be held back by any of the people in their alliance who aren't as slick with the racing as they are. It will be interesting to see how they do when they're on their own in a flat team-to-team race to the mat, won't it? Ken and Gerard make the same comment -- when it's a nine-way tie, it's every man for himself. Michael compares it to death row. Except, I guess, without the "death" part.
Everyone piles off the train together, and Phil reminds us that they're grabbing cabs to the soccer stadium. Lots of cab chaos ensues. This section of the race seems to involve yelling "rapido" at your driver a lot, and admiring him when he passes other teams. Ken and Gerard are particularly appreciative of their driver's efforts on their behalf. An especially worn-out-looking Ian says (from under The Hat) that they're "dead last." Teri chimes in, "Again." My goodness, has there ever been a team with a more negative attitude? I mean, normally I don't pick on the casting too much, but I do have to agree with those who have wondered what made someone think that casting these people was a good idea. They're not particularly good racers, they're unpleasant, they're not interesting...just seems like a strange choice to me. If he didn't have the Hat, they'd really just be taking up space.
As has happened a few other times in the race, the Twins fail to urge their cab driver on as enthusiastically as some other teams do, so they get passed, and passed some more. "Can you beat that taxi?" Jill asks the JVJ driver. "Get in front of him?" John Vito talks her down a little: "He's got it, he's got it." I think these two read each other's energy really well. She's losing it a little, and he dials her back a bit; he's lagging, and she pushes harder. It's nice. It's, you know, functional. In the Kenny/Gerard cab, Gerard seems alarmed and yet thrilled at the bravado displayed by their driver, as he and Kenny literally hang on to various parts of the cab. "We'll get there first!" Gerard says gamely. "Dead or alive!" Heh. First at the stadium? Oppositamazov. Yay! They run in and read the Roadblock. It's pretty straightforward, and very reminiscent of Spanky The Junior Ping-Pong Champion. The Roadblock involves standing in a soccer goal and having a teenage soccer player take penalty kicks until you successfully block one. I would think there would be one rule for this Roadblock: Whoever Is Taller Does It. After all, penalty kicks are going to be blocked based on good luck as much as anything, so you want to take up as much space as possible.
Ken takes the Roadblock for his team, and he's followed quickly by Zach. Michael and Kathy and John Vito and Jill arrive, and then Derek and Drew and Heave. John Vito, Drew, Michael, and Heather take the Roadblock. When Firecop arrives, Damon takes it for them. Michael is the first racer to actually stop a kick, and as was discussed on the forums, the real key to this task is to just guess a side and sort of dive to that side. You'll guess right before too long, and that's really a lot better than just standing there and trying to catch up with the ball once you see where it's going. That's what Michael does, exactly. He has to ruin the moment by crediting his "catlike reflexes," but he did well with the task. He and Kathy read the clue, which says, as he reads it: "Congratulations, that was a World Cup Performance. Now, you must walk to the pit stop." Is that really such a hard clue, I ask you? Anyway, it's a one-and-a-half-mile walk to the Torre de Belem, yet another Ancient Fortress Pit Stop. Whatever happened to sleeping in tents? My goodness. Ken finishes the Roadblock , also succeeding with the "choose a side" approach. They read the clue. "You must walk to the pit stop." Hee hee. successful stopping of a kick is Damon, and Firecop is on their way.
Lagging behind? Teri and Ian and Aaron and Arianne, who are still in cabs. My gosh! Can my luck really be this good? These are the two teams I can't stand! I love the idea of one of them being Philiminated! Ian, with his usual never-say-die attitude, comments grimly that "it's not looking good." Aaron says that what's tough is not knowing whether they're "the first cab or the last cab." Well, sweetheart, it's a lot closer to "last" than "first."
Drew blocks a kick. Go, Drew! Finally, Teri and Ian and Aahab arrive at the stadium. Aahab wastes a moment standing on the stairs being shocked that they're the last people to get there. They are wondering...how can this be? Is there something wrong with the universe? Down on the field, John Vito stops a kick, but frankly it more looks like he's so big that eventually the kid just hits him with the ball. As he and Jill walk off toward the pit stop, he says, "Did you see how I stopped it? With my face!" He's proud. Heh. "Yeah, yeah, come on, sweetie! You did great!" she says with affectionate impatience. , Zach just barely deflects a kick up and over the goalpost, so FloZach is off. Heather then blocks one as well, and Heave takes off. The last two to take to the goals are Ian and Arianne. (Arianne? Why? Aaron's so much taller than she is! She's teeny! Idiots.) "Block it," Teri commands. "Oh, yeah, right," Ian says, as enthusiastic and upbeat as ever. Aaron tells Arianne to concentrate, but he then starts loudly fretting as it doesn't go well. "I'm too short," Arianne complains, quite correctly. Bad call, having her do this particular one. Ian, like Zach before him, just barely touches a shot that wasn't very good in the first place, but it's enough to make it hit the top of the goal and bounce away harmlessly, so he's all done. Arianne continues flailing about in the goal. "We're done," Aaron moans. "We're out."
This would be a good moment to pause and recall the following: "Ride their asses." "Get those twins." "Twin hunt." "Too pretty." Just sit and bask in how ridiculous they look and how ineffectual they've been this entire leg. It's funny how old saws are sometimes dead on, but "pride goeth before a fall"? Yeah, that would be it, right there. Humble up, kids; you're not helping your karma any.
Teri and Ian take off, leaving Aaron and Arianne alone on the soccer field. Oh, and as Teri and Ian leave, they read the clue out loud, and again, she reads the sentence, "Now, you must walk to the pit stop."
Commercials. Secret Platinum? Should deodorant really involve platinum? I'm thinking that would be expensive.
Michael and Kathy are walking toward the pit stop, but they're lost and are asking for directions. "We're last, we're last," Eve moans as she and Heather ask a cab driver whether he knows where the pit stop is. Wait a minute, a...a cab driver? The Hat runs past Teri on the street in that tight little trot he has, hollering, "This is where we suck it up!" She looks utterly disgusted as she trudges along behind him.
Meanwhile, I laugh and laugh, because Arianne is still engaged in her various vain attempts to stop a soccer ball. Aaron tells her to focus. Aaron tells her to dive. Aaron tells her she can do it. "I'm too short," she moans. "Arianne, don't think negatively, you can do it," he replies, apparently having recovered from the whole "we're last, we're last" thing he was moaning before the commercial. Finally, she stops one. Thank God. That was getting painful. They run off the field and read the clue. Which, by the way, says, as Aaron reads it, "Torre de Belem in Lisbon. Note: You must walk to the pit stop, last team to check in will be eliminated." Wow. If all the teams got the same clue, and if Michael and Aaron and Teri and Jill all read it correctly, then it actually said "walk to the pit stop" twice. Once at the beginning ("congratulations, blah blah blah, now you must walk to the pit stop") and once at the end ("...in Lisbon. Note: You must walk to the pit stop, last team to check in will be eliminated."). It would be quite the scandal if they didn't all get the same clue. And if they did? I feel even less sorry for Heather and Eve than I did initially.
Everyone searches for the pit stop. Apparently, the Twins have been trying their matching hands at orienteering, because suddenly the compass (?) they've been using to locate the pit stop is missing. Aaron and Arianne try to climb over a fence, but Aaron falls on his ass as he tries to slip down a hill. He moans melodramatically.
Heave cab. Yeah, CAB. Eve is happily directing the driver. Yeah, DRIVER. Heather, meanwhile, is reading -- this time for meaning -- the clue they apparently skimmed the first time through. "'You must walk to the pit stop, the last team to check in will be eliminated.'" She pauses. "When you say 'walk,' does that mean that you can't run?" Eve asks. Heather finally gets it. It's like watching one of those Friends episodes where Chandler just waits for something to dawn on Joey. "OH!" she exclaims. "No, we have to get out! Go back, sir!" she yells to the driver. Quite obviously, Heather knows exactly what the clue means, now that she actually pauses to read it. They instruct the driver to stop. They discuss. Once they realize they may have already screwed up, though, they tell the driver to keep going, and they'll drive to the pit stop and then walk onto the mat, hoping that's what the clue means. Oh, yeah, sure. "Congratulations, that was a World Cup performance. Now you must walk to the pit stop"? Real hard to figure.
I would like to discuss something else: There are no cuts in the crucial segment of that scene. There are no cuts between when they first pay any attention to the word "walk" and when they direct the driver that they'll take the cab to the pit stop and "walk in." Please note that Eve went on The Early Show the day and said this: "At a crucial point when we were deciding whether to walk or take a cab, it was indicated by our cameraman that it was okay to...take a cab." Okay, but does she think we're stupid? Did they forget the camera was on? We saw the fact that they hadn't read the clue when they first got it, we saw them figure it out, and we saw them make the decision to gamble on having the driver take them to the pit stop. This was not the camera guy's fault, and you know what blaming a bunch of faceless crew guys who can't defend themselves for your own stupid screw-up is? It is low. The camera guys work their asses off chasing these nitwits hither and yon, and the notion that anyone would try to pawn their failures off on them in order to save face makes me absolutely ill. I'm sure they have some reason why they can rationalize this as less than a complete lie -- they said they were getting a cab at the beginning, and the camera guy said "okay," or they asked after they made the decision whether they could take a cab, and he said "it's up to you" or something stupid like that, but the fact of the matter is that the girls made the call to take the cab, in spite of the wording of the clue, on their own, because we saw them make it. Yeah, they kept talking in the cab about whether they had made the right call or not, but at that point, anything the cameraman said was, at most, a small part of what happened, considering that they had already set the path -- and considering that the clue is not remotely ambiguous to begin with, and I do not believe for one second that any camera guy would have told them that taking a taxi was consistent with it. Furthermore, when they were done blaming the crew and parsing and equivocating and personifying every single thing people hate about the image of lawyers they hold in their heads, Heave went on to congratulate themselves for their ethical play, and how hard they tried to rehabilitate the image of the profession. I seriously could not want to throw up more. To think I was within an inch of not completely hating Heather. It's rare that I'll just want to look at people and say, "You ought to be embarrassed by that behavior," and be drop-dead serious, but Heather and Eve? You ought to be embarrassed by that behavior. I say that as a person, as a woman, as an attorney, and as an eye-shadow consumer.
Aaron and Arianne discuss the fact that they have to walk instead of taking a taxi. Heave, meanwhile, notices as they drive along that they don't see other teams walking. But, of course, they're already driving. Ken and Gerard, meanwhile, run for the pit stop, as do Derek and Drew, FloZach, and Jill and John Vito. Jill says she has a bad cramp, but she keeps running. Aaron and Arianne can't find the pit stop. Heather and Eve have found it, though. Their cab took them right to it -- go figure! They are the first to carefully walk (not run! Not jump!) onto the Amazing Mat. They are greeted by...my goodness. It's a Portuguese sailor of some kind. He is...lovely. And when I say "lovely," I mean...lovely. Phil tells them that they are "the first team to arrive." Hmm. Heather tries to look excited, but I think she knows something is screwy. "It was psychotic, because nobody else was around us," Eve says grimly.
Elsewhere, Aaron and Arianne try to flag someone down who will give them directions. No one wants to help them. Ken and Gerard, meanwhile, hit the mat. They are told they're the second team to arrive. As was noted this week on the forums, it is definitely one of their coolest qualities that when they get to the mat, they don't just go "woo!" or "all right!" or anything like that. They actually go, "Yaaaaay!" Which I love. In an interview post-mat, they beam. Seriously, could they be any cuter if they were fuzzy bunnies? I think not.
Aahab is still lost.
FloZach is rushing for the pit stop. They hit the mat, and are very happy to hear that they're third. The Twins are , and look a little unhappy that they slid to fourth. I tell you, bad cabbies are death in these very close legs.
Ian is yelling at Teri to go faster. "Come on, Teri! Please!" He also says "dig it in" and "hoo-ah" and some other things that would make me throw something at him, if I were in her position. "Run!" he says. "You gotta do this now!" he says, just like he's her football coach or her domineering father. Y-U-C-K, man. That is creepy.
on the mat is Firecop.
Teri and Ian continue to head for the pit stop. "I'm dropping my pack," Teri moans. "No! I love you! Come on!" Ian yells. Yeah, right. "I love you." Yelled in exactly the same tone he yells everything else. I got the feeling that that was a pull-out-every-weapon-in-the-arsenal moment for old Ian. "I'll give you money! Do it for your country! My mother would do it! Wild dogs chasing you! Uh...I love you!" They approach the pit stop. Once again, they have narrowly avoided elimination. Snore. "We ran our asses off!" Ian says. "I yelled at her, I dragged her, I prompted her...we made it!" Wow. It's cool how he did all the work with the prompting and the dragging, and she didn't have to do anything, like walk or run or push a huge-ass ninety-pound barrel of wine or anything. Get a grip, Pepe Le Ew. "God Bless America!" he yells, apropos of nothing.
Now, Aahab is lost. Blah dee blah, can't find the pit stop, blah dee blah. Michael and Kathy are trudging toward the castle. She voices over that as much as she wanted to run, she just didn't have it in her. Interestingly, rather than employ the Ian Method of yelling and screaming and dragging her, Michael adopts the Michael Method, which is to hold her hand and assure her that it's fine. Excellent. Well done, Michael.
Here comes Jill Bon Vito to the pit stop. Still in seventh place. And now, here come Michael and Kathy, pretty sure they're last. She laments that she thinks they're last. "Don't worry about it," he says very genuinely. Aw. Shave that really bad beard, Michael, and we'll talk. They are the eighth team to arrive on the mat, and are very glad to hear it from Phil. Kathy was sure they were last.
And now, here come Aaron and Arianne. "Just say it isn't so," Arianne moans.
Now, we cut to Heather and Eve and Aaron and Arianne emerging from a doorway in the castle and heading for an ominous meeting. Everyone sits down in white plastic lawn chairs, and Arianne is already smirking, so we know that she already knows what's going to happen. Phil explains that although Aaron and Arianne arrived last, Heather and Eve are aware that they didn't do the last clue correctly, because they took the taxi instead of walking. Phil explains that "walk," according to the oh-so-technical rules of the game, means "to travel by foot as opposed to by car." Heh. Actually, that's what it means to me, too. Maybe I'm not smart enough for the Ivy League. ["It don't take smarts, hon." -- Sars] Phil explains that their time gained was seven minutes, and their "punitive penalty" (heh) is thirty minutes, meaning that they're penalized a total of thirty-seven minutes. Turns out the teams were spread out at the pit stop by thirty-one minutes. That means Heave is booted, by six minutes. Don't you think they wish they'd gone back when they first realized they'd screwed up, in the cab? Aaron pretends to look distraught. He is not distraught. Now he and Arianne start smirking, and oh yes, they do mean that. "We were eliminated for a mistake that anybody could make," Eve whines in an interview. Yeah. Anyone who can't read, I suppose. Aaron says sadly that they want to win, but -- oh, not like this! It grieves his heart! Not. It's so sad, because a lot of times, when a team has a humbling experience and narrowly avoids disaster, it will prompt a welcome attitude adjustment, but judging from the smirks, Aaron and Arianne will not be undergoing this particular transformation, which I was sort of hoping they would. Anyway, all of these very, very big phonies hug each other. Heather talks in an interview about how "ethically" she and Eve played the game. Er, okay. I guess maybe so, if you grade on a curve. And the only other people in your class are used car salesmen. Heather uses the word "amazing" several times in describing her experience.
Ah, adios to our dear Heave. Gee, if only they had acted stupid and helpless so that a man would have come along and helped them read the clue. I wonder if it would have helped. Eve interviews that she did a lot of things she never thought she would do. Like misinterpret the word "walk" to mean "take a taxi." She says she's "a lot stronger than [she] thought [she] could be." Except in reading comprehension. Bye, Heave!
Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Flo loses it while rappelling down a cliff. Teams manage to find yet another incredibly stupid way to screw up, this time when doing something as innocuous and apparently hard to screw up as putting gas in the car.