Previously on The Adventures Of A Lot Of People Who Should Shut Up, And A Few Other People: The MeHugeYouTinies congealed into an alliance that was dominated by Aaron and Arianne, which made it the only organization with more inept leadership than Major League Baseball. Tramel communicated like a caveman. Ian did, too, albeit in a slightly different way. Jill began what will apparently be a journey entitled "Thirty Thousand Nonstop Miles Of Kicking Everything's Ass." Derek and Drew dangled decoratively like a mobile and lived to tell about it, Fast Forwarding their way into first place. A bus accident was surprisingly irrelevant. Arianne whipped her top off in a taxi, putting a smile on the face of whatever idiot at CBS thinks that what we need on this show is more girls with their tops off. Flipper was like, "The hell?" After a fateful encounter with a WaveRunner, the charming Tramel and Talicia were sadly Philiminated, but they showed future Philiminatees how it's done. Phil: "Who will be eliminated..." Years pass. Children are born, grow up, and get their drivers' licenses. Stars burn out. "...tonight?"
Credits. Famous Scots include: Sean Connery, Billy Connolly, Alexander Graham Bell, Adam Smith, David Niven, and Rod Stewart. Scudamore's Punting Company was founded by Mr. F. Scudamore in 1910, and has just added illuminated punts for night punting. It is estimated that approximately 100,000 American teenagers and young adults visit Cancun for spring break every year. Aberdeen, Scotland will host the Aberdeen and North East Beer Festival from November 7th to 9th. The Duxford Imperial War Museum is primarily devoted to the war history of the twentieth century. It is also available for weddings. Parking is free. No dogs. [BOMP.]
Incidentally, as the bumper to the post-credits commercial, they show Heather being dumped by the donkey. Again. I am evidently not the only person who thought that was one of the greatest moments in reality television history.
Fade up on the Diamante K Bungalows, which Phil calls "a Caribbean paradise on the east coast of Mexico." Cut to Phil, strolling on the rocks of said Caribbean paradise. Phil has traded in his usual upper-crust, Banana-republican, charity-safari-event duds for jeans and a white T-shirt. Like all men, Phil should wear jeans and a white T-shirt all the time, because he looks hot enough to cause blisters. (Just kidding, Phil. Deep down, I love you for your mind.) (Mostly.) Eat, Rest, Mingle. There is a dramatic shot of The Mat Of Destiny. Man, do you remember how small the first-season yellow mat was? Now it's this enormous thing from Crazy Louie's Discount Geometric Area Rugs. I suppose it's all about a more secure landing surface, in case someone should be tempted to wipe out, like Bill and Rob did in Paris. Probably, The Amazing Slip and Fall isn't so much the ambience they're going for. Interestingly, there's a shot of Zach without anything wrapped around his noggin, and although he looks substantially better, he really does look eerily Guarini-esque. Except, of course, that he's not looking at the camera, sending telepathic messages that you should take your clothes off. Now, red-and-yellow flags, sealed envelopes, and a very special shot of the Exposition Hands, which are on speed-demon mode like they've had sixty-seven cups of coffee. I guess the show ran long.
3:18 AM. Twins. As the typically eagle-eyed forum posters have pointed out, Derek generally wears red, and Drew generally wears blue, so we may be on the road to telling them apart. I have to say, it's a lot easier than looking for a damn silver earring -- yes, Team Xerox, I'm looking at you. The clue tells them to fly to London, and then get themselves to Cambridge, where the drunken cameramen are careening around the route marker, which awaits in front of a local business called Scudamore's. They get $440 for the leg. Excuse me, $440? What the...what are they, subsidizing hookers now? Good grief. The Twins voice over that they communicate nonverbally, and I start trying really hard not to think about their now-famous naked pictures again. Ew. They take off for Cancun.
4:43 AM. Aaron and Arianne. (See those departure times? Not really very close last week, the race to the mat between the first two teams, despite the way it was edited.) Aaron "explains" (or, if you prefer, "fantasizes") that he and Arianne took on a leadership role, because they're leaderrific, and now they're "looked at as being leaders." "We are gonna chase those twins down and tell 'em who's boss," Arianne offers. I've got news for you, Perky -- you're going to have to get them to turn around first, because you're going to see nothing but their backs all day.
4:44 AM. Heave. Heather explains that they "always seem to be in the first pack." I guess "always" means "for one leg" at this point, but who am I to argue with the Ivy League? Heather contributes that they, too, are trying to get rid of Derek and Drew. So as it turns out, Heave has effectively replaced Jill and John Vito in the MeHugeYouTinies. What's even funnier is that they fit right in.
4:45 AM. Michael and Kathy. Kathy says that it's great for them to be in Mexico, where they met. Michael says, however, that they're too tired to get romantic. Wow, he looks all used-up already. It's going to be a long race, man. You'll need to wash your face. He also refers to Mexico as "the scene of the crime," romantically speaking. You know, what with this discussion and his well-known fondness for the word "squares," I have a feeling Michael is one of those guys who didn't understand that Trent in Swingers wasn't actually supposed to be a role model.
4:49 AM. Flo and Zach. He's already wearing the map light on his head, so you know he's raring to go. Flo interviews that she couldn't just casually date Zach, but would have to marry him, or she wouldn't want to bother. Oh, yeah, that's the way to reel him in. Perhaps I'm failing to get in the spirit of this, but I get absolutely no vibe of romantic chemistry off these two whatsoever. He acts like he barely even likes her, and she mostly seems paranoid that he isn't paying attention to her. Granted, the ten minutes or so of footage we've seen of them so far doesn't provide an airtight opportunity to judge, but what's a snap judgment without the snap?
Derek and Drew pull up at the Cancun airport, where they'll need a flight to Mexico City in order to go on to London. The MeHugeYouTinies are heading for the airport as well. Aaron stops the caravan right on the road and jumps out. He stands in the street, lecturing everyone about how they have to go to airport parking, and then he starts discussing flight strategy. Yeah, while standing in the street. "We want to try to get a direct from Mexico to London," he says like the bossy brat he's going to be for the hour. Oh, good. I'm sure no one would have thought of that if not for this impromptu chalk talk. And it's not even a good strategy. It's entirely possible that connecting could be faster, depending on when the direct flight is. It seems to me that the teams that have been good at the airport have been the ones who know how to find someone who can help them and how to explain what they need, not necessarily the ones who predetermine the way to do it before they even get to the ticket agent. Michael babbles something about how he's bonded with the rest of the HugeTinies for the purposes of the race, even though he would never talk to them in real life. At least he and I can agree on that.
6:02 AM. Ken and Gerard. They note that their competition right now is the HugeTinies and the Twins -- "They're strong, they're beautiful, and they're in the lead." Do not despair, o ye of little follicles! "We're not as good-looking, we're not as physical," Gerard says, "but we've got spunk."
Derek and Drew are using the Arrival/Departure board to look for flights. They spot a 7:00 AM flight to Mexico City, and decide to go investigate. The HugeTinies arrive at the airport . "Maybe the Twins are here!" Flo grates. "It's all about lying to the Twins, all day," Aaron snots. Much "twin hunt" yapping follows. They all chuckle, and I guess I can understand why. Fourth grade was pretty funny.
Gerard explains in the Brothermobile that "everybody in that alliance is against the Wonder Twins," because they're such a threat. Ken: "And it's like...'Oh, and we're not a big threat?' So...screw them! Let's go, Gerard!" They slap hands over Kenny's shoulder. They'll be adopting me later. Psst, fellas? Congratulations! It's a girl!
6:52 AM. Jill and Jon Bon Vito. He says, "Jill's not your typical girl. She's a little ballsy." Well, in a sense, that's certainly "not typical." In fact, that's the New England Journal of Medicine kind of "not typical." They dash for Cancun.
At 7:00 AM, Derek and Drew get a flight out of Cancun, having decided to head for the bigger airport and see what happens. A risky strategy, but perhaps, with the size of their lead, not a bad one.
Back at the airport, the HugeTinies are also monitoring the Arrival/Departure board. "We're looking for the fastest way to Mexico City," Eve drones, as she stares dead-eyed from behind her suddenly unkempt hair. The alliance begins to learn what Team Guido could have told them, which is that it's really hard to book tickets for a huge group like this -- they reference "eight tickets," but of course, it's actually sixteen tickets, with the camera and sound guys we know they have to get seats for. Michael comments, "Too many cooks in the kitchen."
Ken and Gerard run to the airport, followed by Jill and JV. All start hunting flights to Mexico City.
7:45 AM. Andre and Damon. They say they're not making any more impetuous, emotional decisions. Yeah. You know, I was going to say, these guys need to not talk about their feelings so much.
7:46 AM. Dennis and Andrew. Andrew interviews that his dad has always struggled with the fact that he's gay, but that he thinks the race has helped his dad understand that he's also tough and self-sufficient, which has been a big help. Aw.
7:47 AM. Teri and Ian. Ian says, for the four hundredth time so far, that they're never going to quit, because you don't quit, and you never quit, and you can't quit. I just wish he would tell us how he feels about quitting. He says he's hoping to catch up at the airport. Oh, and he wants to set a good example for his children, which is presumably why he's so unerringly pleasant, particularly to his wife.
At the Cancun airport, a luggage truck gets out of the camera's way. Heather and Eve are working on tickets, as the Latin-tinged airline strategy music plays. Heather is strongly committed to the idea that you don't book a partial route and then go halfway and hope for the best -- you book all the way to where you're going at the beginning. I actually agree with that, nine times out of ten. She points out that if they don't book tickets between Mexico City and London, then the seats on those flights will be booked by racers who show up in Cancun while they're in the air to Mexico City. You know, for a girl who's as committed as she is to making herself look stupid so men will pay attention to her and give her money, Heather really isn't entirely without sound thoughts. Elsewhere, Michael interviews that he doesn't enjoy Heave. "I just don't like chickenheads barking in my ear." Mmm, mixed metaphor soup. Delicious. Michael and Kathy and Aaron and Arianne take off on the earlier flight to Mexico City, but don't have seats beyond that point. Michael says that he was happy to dump two teams, because it was "just like dumping baggage." My, he's certainly a prize.
Jill and JV, Andre and Damon, and Gerard and Ken all get seats on a 10:25 AM flight to Mexico City, but Andre and Damon and Jill and JV don't have seats to London yet. Gerard and Ken, however, have wangled seats from Mexico City to Paris and then to London. Heather laments (quite correctly) that Ken and Gerard got the last seats on that flight, and had she and Eve and FloZach not been standing around arguing about what to do, they could have gotten those seats, because they actually beat the Brothers No-hair-amazov to the airport. The 10:25 flight takes off with Ken and Gerard, Jill and John Vito, and Andre and Damon aboard.
Dennis and Andrew and Teri and Ian arrive at the Cancun airport and start working.
Heave and FloZach get an 11:05 out of Cancun to Mexico City, having gotten tickets to London through Paris just as Ken and Gerard did. It's not clear whether they're reserved all the way to London yet, but I would think they would be, since Heather was so determined to wait.
Derek and Drew land in Mexico City, followed by Aaron and Arianne and Michael and Kathy. "We are getting to England, because I don't want those twins to have that much of a lead on us," Aaron drones. Again. Some more. Said Twins, meanwhile, rather than sit around bitching about Aaron (whose name they probably barely know), start working with the American Airlines lady to get from Mexico City to Heathrow. (Note the gorgeous American Airlines plane. American Airlines: The Official Airline Of Putting The Screws To A Bunch of Whiners.) They wind up on an 11:15 AM flight bound for Miami, which will go from there to London.
Back in Cancun, Teri and Ian get on their way to Mexico City on an 11:55 AM flight, but Dennis and Andrew can't get seats on it. Teri and Ian apparently also have a plane from Mexico City to London. Speaking as someone with an unhealthy interest in arcane details, I have to say I'm frustrated by the show's use of the Amazing Dotted Line on the Amazing World Map, because I can't tell whether it means they're on standby, which would make the most sense to me, or whether it means they just haven't taken the flight yet, which seems to be what it actually means. Communicate more clearly, please.
Minor Controversy of the Week, a.k.a. JoeNamathGate. Remember that Brady Bunch episode where Cindy got Joe Namath to visit Bobby by saying she was writing because Bobby was "very, very sick"? Well, Andrew is on the phone trying to get tickets, and he tells whoever it is that he's trying to get home to his mom, because she's "very, very sick." Should he have done this? No, but I don't really care. You can tell this isn't how this kid typically responds to these situations. If that's the worst thing he ever does, he will have led a good life. Dennis, meanwhile, is thinking the same thing -- technically, he shouldn't approve. But unofficially, he's impressed, and also a little amused, and he can't help smiling. Plus, Andrew is a lot less annoying than Cindy.
In Mexico City, Michael and Kathy and Aaron and Arianne discuss a flight path through Miami and Paris. They take off for Miami at 2:25 PM, and it sounds like the Miami-Paris leg will leave later that night. On the plane, we see Aaron being that loud, excitable guy we are all afraid will sit by us on every plane we ever take. And see, the Amazing Dotted Line goes straight from Mexico City to London, despite the fact that they discussed a Paris stop. Come on, help me out here, Graphics Person. Overanalytical geeks like me are part of your core audience.
Meanwhile, at Scudamore's, the Twins tear open the Detour. Phil and the Hands explain the Detour concept, of course. You know by now about the pros and the cons. This week's choices are Punt and Bike. In Punt, you have to...well, it's actually "punting," although I'll admit it's not what I think of as punting, because there's no overpaid guy with one shoe trying to avoid being crushed by seven guys who are three times his size. Instead, it's where you take a boat down the river, and one person sits with a little paddle and the other stands with a long pole, and that's how you navigate. The boat ride is one mile. In Bike, you ride a tandem bike, which is easier than punting, but you have to do it for six miles. Interestingly, this isn't really a Tortoise/Hare or a Reckless/Chicken detour. It's what you might call a Strange/Familiar detour, in which the decision is based on a rough estimate of how difficult something will be when you haven't ever done it before, but it seems like it might hold an advantage. Whichever choice you take, you wind up at the same bridge, where the clues are dangling over the river. Interestingly, when Phil explains the detour, he has a gray T-shirt on that makes him look kind of dippy. It looks like someone's grandmother's shirt. So, to review: White shirt good, gray shirt bad.
Derek and Drew decide to Punt. Drew thinks it will be easier to just go straight down the river than ride around on bikes for miles. Prince-lite guitar riffs accompany them onto the boat. "You'd better make better use of that pole," Derek commands as they get started. Yeah, I know. You're thinking about the naked pictures. See how fast that joke just burns up on reentry? (DON'T even say it.) It's like a fire that gets too hot and blows itself out. The naked pictures are so funny and creepy that they go all the way back around to being sort of goofy and stupid again. Derek threatens at one point to take over the pole, but Drew talks him down. They eventually get the hang of the punting. I will admit to a growing affection for these guys, which is probably partly because the alliance that has formed against them is so odious. But it's also because they're a little bit hapless and quite personable, both of which are good qualities in racers. I have to admit, though, that I still don't find them particularly cute. I may be unwell.
The Brothers Oppositamazov peruse train schedules in London, looking for the train to Cambridge. While they're on the train, they voice over about what a good time they're having. Dear Brothers Oppositamazov: I will need my own room, and would request a generous allowance. I am willing to do my own laundry.
Michael and Kathy and Aaron and Arianne arrive at the Detour. Michael -- get this -- refuses to do the tandem bike, because it's "corny." "I ain't the corny type," he says. Gracious, the contestant pool certainly is getting shallow these days. It's a good thing he didn't have to walk with the tigers, get his ass beat at ping-pong by a twelve-year-old, or herd sheep. Furthermore, how can you be that much of a slave to your vanity and still have that beard? Kathy points out, rather obviously, that that's "a poor excuse not to do it."
Aaron and Arianne want to do the bike. I try to look on the bright side -- maybe they'll get tangled in the chain. "Good choice," Kathy sighs as they tell her their decision. Michael continues working the boat with his pole. "I should probably steer it all by myself if you just want to lay down." I can't decide if that's the lamest comment I ever heard, or the weakest joke I ever heard. Either way, he has grown tiresome in a short time.
Finally, Ken and Gerard have gotten the hang of the punting, and are winging down the side of the river. Okay, maybe not winging. But it's going a lot better than it was when they went into cement at a forty-five degree angle. The Hijinks Theme plays. "We're making good time," they observe. And then The Bassoon Of Misadventures begins, and Gerard falls off the back of the boat into the drink. Well, somebody had to, I guess, and at least he goes feet first -- for now. The appreciative crowd laughs and applauds. He climbs back up on the boat and takes a deep bow. "Oh, that made my day," Ken observes. Heh. Mine, too.
Aaron and Arianne set up on the bikes just as FloZach and Heave arrive. Both these teams decide to punt.
The punting is a little tough for Heave. Heather weakly apologizes as they almost hit another boat. Flo, predictably, is complaining miserably that the boat was the wrong choice. In short order, Zach suggests they ditch the boat and do the bike (quite probably so she'll shut the hell up), and she agrees.
Ken and Gerard continue their experiments with water displacement. Gerard manages to fall in again, this time leading with his head. Again, the onlookers laugh appreciatively. He comes up laughing, and climbs back into the boat. He rules.
Tense, angry music accompanies Aaron and Arianne on their bikes. Yeah, I feel your pain, Music Guys. That's how they make me feel, too.
"Get your fat ass up and work," Gerard tells Ken. "I'm tired." They pass in the boat as Ken heads for the pole and gives Gerard the paddle. As they pass, you can't help wishing Gerard would toss Kenny right over the side, because that would be funny. Of course, it's a race, so they don't really have time. Gloriously, though, he actually does it. SPLASH! Ken's in the water. Yay! A guy falling in the water is always a good idea, and three times in the same show? That's entertainment!
Aaron and Arianne are still biking, as are Flo and Zach.
Michael and Kathy are still punting. Mr. "I Can Do It Myself" very effectively shoves them into the same wall that troubled the brothers a bit ago. Heave is punting also, and Heather almost -- but not quite -- falls in. She asks Eve to just try to paddle a little and not complain. Heh. I'm not even sure I'd hate Heather if she had a different partner and wouldn't make those dumb-ass Phyllis Schlafly damsel-in-distress remarks.
Gerard and Ken reach the clues. Yay!
Dorks on bikes reach the clue bridge, just as Michael and Kathy float up. Aaron goes down and gets Michael and Kathy to hand him the clue, and then he and Arianne run off without them. Nice.
As Heather continues working her ass off with the pole, Eve continues working her mouth. "I'm in pain, dammit," she whines. She complains about the quality of her seat, if you can believe that, while Heather is standing up the entire time. If I were Heather, I swear I'd throw her in. Once they have the clue, they take off running, but -- no, I'm not kidding -- Eve says she can't run, and says if Heather wants her to run, she'll have to carry some of Eve's stuff. Is she serious? In the cab, Eve whines some more about how maybe if Heather took some of her stuff, she could run faster. "What can you carry from my bag that will help me run?" "Honestly," Heather responds evenly, "I can't carry anything. I'm carrying more of my stuff -- my bag is twice as heavy as yours right now, do you agree?" (That little "do you agree?" moment was the moment when she sounded so like a law school grad -- heh.) Heather goes on to explain that her back also hurts, but she's trying not to complain about it. Eve complains some more. If you got the impression in that scene that you felt a subtle shift from me hating them to me hating Eve, you're a little bit right. Although Heather is still all aboard the Sexist Stereotype Exploitation Train, as far as I know, so as soon as we get back to that, I'm sure I'll hate her again. But not, I suspect, as much as I cannot abide Eve.
Ken and Gerard arrive at the bus loading point and chat up the Twins, who are the only other people there. Gerard interviews that he thinks the Twins have been underestimated -- he calls them "bright and fast," and then he says, "Let's face it -- Twins have a thing going on." Aaaand I'm on the naked pictures again. Thanks a million, Gerard. They talk about how great it would be if not very many teams made the first bus.
Flo yells in her cheese-grater voice that she sees the clues. Surprisingly, the clue does not run screaming from her cheese-grater voice. But when they get under the bridge, she and Zach can't reach it from the angle they're at. Zach starts to take off, saying they'll have to grab it from the other side. But Flo, who has gotten herself situated with one foot on each of two boats, screeches at him. "Dude! Help me, please! Help me!" Note that she's just got one foot on each of two boats. She could perfectly well have gotten back on solid ground by herself, which you can tell from the fact that all he does is barely touch her hand, and she immediately hops to better footing. Not to mention the fact that she could perfectly well have not assumed such a foolish position in the first place. He does not mention this. Yeah, I don't really think he's contemplating right now how much he wants to date her. Zach eventually plucks the clue from above, standing on the bridge, using the pole. She applauds, and screams a cheese-grater scream. She apologizes for yelling at him, and they hug, but she isn't done insisting that she's right, which always creates an interesting atmosphere for an apology. "You really left me on a boat, after I crawled out there. You just forget about me. You always just forget about me." Well, that's a compliment, dear, in case you haven't noticed. He's assuming instinctively that you can take care of yourself, and not realizing that you want him to come back and rescue you. Get it?
The 7:30 bus starts to load. Ken and Gerard and the Twins are soon joined by Aaron and Arianne and Michael and Kathy.
At 5:35 PM, Jill and John Vito land in London. They apparently had some trouble getting themselves from Mexico City to London, because they've gotten quite a bit behind. Again, this may suggest that Heather's stay-put, book-the-whole-trip theory is the right one. Note that this gives Jill and John Vito four and one-half hours from hitting the ground at Heathrow until the 10:00 bus. It looked like Aaron and Arianne didn't show up at the 7:30 bus until it was starting to load, which looks like it was at least 5:00 or so -- almost seven hours after they landed at Heathrow. Similarly, the Twins said they had seven hours when they finished the punting, so that would have been about 12:30 -- six hours after they landed at Heathrow. So assuming these times are anywhere near right, Jill and John Vito would have to genuinely haul ass as compared to the other teams in order to get this done in time for the 10:00 bus. In the cab to the train station, Jill and JV talk about the fact that they don't know where the rest of the teams are in relation to them.
At 5:47 PM, Andre and Damon (wow, almost forgot them) land in London. They say they don't like their situation at all.
Heave and FloZach make the 7:30 bus as well. Zach says lifelessly, "I thought we'd never see each other again," and he and Arianne share the most insincere hug of all time. At this, Kenny is caught by his camera guy providing the mother of all eye-rolls. Ha!
6:30 PM. Teri and Ian land. They stomp through the airport. He, Captain Never-Give-Up, suddenly tells her that it's "an exercise in futility." Wow. That never-say-die attitude didn't last very long. Maybe he's referring to something more specific as an exercise in futility. Otherwise, he certainly has lost his way in a hurry. I'm not sure he deserves to wear that hat, because Pepe Le Pew was much more resilient.
At 7:16 PM, everyone at Bus Number One sits around...well, detesting each other, pretty much. The Twins chuckle about the fact that they've been rejoined by everyone who hates them. Ah, yes, The Lament Of The Bunched. It's still true, though, that they gained valuable rest and unwinding time during their long wait for the bus. Which leaves, at long last
On the bus, Arianne says, "Our objective on this leg of the race was to pursue the Twins. And here we are. No more advantage. They've got nothin' except good looks and straight teeth." And, of course, the ability to outrace Aaron and Arianne at basically every opportunity. You know, pardon my bluntness, but can I ask what the hell these people's problem is? In case you don't read the forums, someone claiming to be Aaron told us all that it's based on a whole pro-diversity, buy-the-world-a-Coke belief that he could not abide another team of straight, white men winning the race. But even assuming that's a genuine email, and indulging that rather silly proposition, what would it have to do with the constant bitchy trash-talking? It's just so tiresome and boring, not to mention the fact that they did nothing worthwhile in this leg to earn the right to gloat. The charter bus schedule is the only reason this happened. The Twins started out an hour and a half ahead of them, and got to Heathrow almost four hours ahead of them, and seem to have gotten to the bus about five hours ahead of them. The Twins' lead was expanding, not contracting, until they got bunched by forces outside anyone's control. Moreover, without a big stroke of good fortune that saved them from their own folly, Aaron and Arianne would still be sitting in the Miami airport buying pink flamingo souvenirs. As unattractive as crowing is normally, it's particularly so when you haven't done a damn thing to back it up. Like now. So shut. Up.
Said Twins are outclassing the MeHugeYouTinies by a factor of ten, chatting about how interesting all the alliance talk is. "We hope to God they all stick together," Derek says. "I think that they'll probably all end up looking pretty foolish in the end about that." Heh. Score one for the naked guy. No, the other naked guy.
Jill and John Vito arrive at Scudamore's at 9:10 PM, at a brisk jog. They choose the punt. As they float the river, she calls out to him. "Going a little left, babe." He corrects. See? That's really not so hard. Working together, see? Not snipping at each other, see? Not concentrating on who you hate in common, see? ["You'll note also a pointed lack of screeching, blaming, and dismissing of things as 'corny.'" -- Sars] I officially dig them. She spots the clues, and they go over and grab one. They learn that there is a charter bus that leaves at 10:00. It is now 9:50, and they don't even know where they're going. When they get the boat back, she hits the sidewalks in about two seconds, stopping people and asking them where the bus loading spot is. My sense is that JV thinks there's no way they're making the bus, as it gets to be under ten minutes to departure time. But Jill? Jill charges, on the absolute assumption that they can still make it. Just counting the times we actually see her ask someone where it is, in what is of course a heavily edited sequence, she asks eight times. Eventually, at about five minutes to ten (according to the very unreliable onscreen clock), a woman tells her that they're going the right way, but it's "quite far." Uh-oh.
Commercials. Of all the expensive rip-off products that will not at all make you look younger, Oil of Olay is by far the most well-known.
9:56 PM. Twitchy minor-key strings indicate that things look pretty grim for Jill and John Vito and the 10:00 PM bus. She's still going full-out, though, because she's Jill, and that's what Jill does, it would appear. John Vito voice-over: "I was so tired...with that pack on my back, I just wanted to give up, and she was awesome." They run. They run some more. And they make it to the bus, at what the very unreliable onscreen clock claims is 9:59 PM. They high-five. "That was the break that we needed," he says. My favorite thing about that sequence is that for once, it really mattered that they ran the entire time, starting when they got off the train, even when they had no way of knowing that the bunching situation would work out this way. Plus, I just love her, and I love him for being so proud of her, and so comfortable saying that he was the one who was tired, and she was the one who kept them going. ["And if they'd started bitching at each other, we'd have seen it, but they didn't, and we didn't. Class, ladies and gentlemen." -- Sars]
At 10:15 PM, Damon and Andre hit Scudamore's. They take the punt also. Meanwhile, Teri and Ian de-train. They get to Scudamore's, and when Ian finds the clue box before Teri does, he yells, "The box is over here, let's go!" in that clipped voice parents use when their kids are dawdling about going to swimming lessons. They take the punt also. When they're in the boat, he yells at her and basically treats her really rudely. I wish it were more whimsical and fun to recap, but it's kind of not. In any event, Andre and Damon get their clue first, and are followed by Teri and Attila the Husband (tm Kevin).
On the 10:00 PM bus on the way to Aberdeen, John Vito and Jill give the update. They're beaming, very happy about the three-hour jump they have on at least a couple of teams stuck behind them.
Andre and Damon and Teri and Ian run into each other post-punt at the 1:30 bus. Ian is happy that they're not last, just tied for last.
At 9:45 AM the morning, a day after everyone else got to Heathrow, here come Andrew and Dennis. Unsurprisingly, they know that they have to go directly to the Fast Forward. Phil explains that they have to go to a war museum and drive a big tank through an obstacle course. A dramatic shot of a stopwatch emphasizes the fact that they have to do the course in a minute and a half or less. Andrew explains as they drive toward the museum that they have no idea where the other teams are, so they're just hoping the FF will be enough to save them. I'm not sure they realize that they're fully twenty-four hours behind. Sigh.
The first bus arrives in Aberdeen. Phil explains that now, they'll have to hire taxis to a town called Stonehaven, where they'll have to find...well, a big open field, actually. Derek and Drew, Heave, and Ken and Gerard are the first three teams to pile into taxis, it seems. FloZach, Aaron and Arianne, and Michael and Kathy are close behind. Once Aaron and Arianne are in their taxi, they obsess some more about the importance of obsessing over the Twins. And then, almost as if some part of him is straining to provide recap material, Aaron says, "They're cocky." I can do nothing but drop in a dead faint at the thought that he is that lacking in self-awareness. He and Arianne pass the Twins in their cab, and they cackle. Cackling is pretty much always a really flattering behavior to engage in, by the way, and not at all "cocky." FloZach come up on Derek and Drew, and Zach sort of half-jokingly half-thumbs his nose at them. Derek and Drew (I am paraphrasing): "Yeah, whatever." Flo tells her driver to pass the Twins, who she calls "rats." I'd be really interested to know what rat-like things Derek and Drew -- who seem pretty benign, actually -- had been doing up to this point that motivated this particular brand of hostility. I mean, wanting to beat them is one thing, but this? Seems irrational. I'm sure there's a lot of information we don't have. Maybe they stole something.
Michael and Kathy's driver sucks. Ha! She has no idea where they're going. Just what you look for in a cab driver.
Aaron and Arianne and Flo and Zach both go off in the wrong direction. The Twins and Ken and Gerard go in the right direction. God points and laughs. Now, Heave, Ken and Gerard, and Derek and Drew are all going in the right direction toward the field. They all arrive at just about the same time, with Derek and Drew holding a slight lead. It takes Ken and Gerard a minute to find the clue box, because their cabbie accidentally blocks it with the car when he parks. Oops. The clue says that the person who does this Roadblock should be "feeling gamy." I suspect they're all pretty gamy right now, thank you very much. This week's Roadblock, as Phil explains, involves three tasks that are part of the Highland Games. One is the caber toss, where you flip a very long pole end-over-end and make it land along a fairly narrow channel. The is a hammer throw (shout-out!), where you have to...sort of throw a big thing that looks like a very long-handled toilet plunger, except that it weighs a whole lot, and you're throwing it for accuracy, trying to make it land on a yellow line. (Oh, shut up. Phil's explanation isn't that much better.) And the last is the shot-put, where you just keep heaving a heavy rock down the field until you get to the finish line.
Heather takes the Roadblock for Heave. (Yeah, no kidding. What with Eve's "pulled muscle," she'd probably ask Heather to carry half the pole.) Derek is the chosen Twin, while Ken takes it for the other brothers. It's funny, because Ken and Gerard are sort of walking toward the Roadblock, but when Derek and Drew come by running, they run, too.
The delayed Aaron and Arianne and FloZach arrive. Aaron and Zach take on the Roadblock. Elsewhere, unsurprisingly, Derek is pretty quick at the tasks. When Aaron finishes the caber toss, he actually inserts Task One-and-a-Half between Task One and Task Two. What is Task One-and-a-Half? The Run Like A Goof And Flap Your Arms. He has impressive form in that particular event, I should say. I think the revelation is Ken, who's surprisingly quick at a couple of these things, or so it appears. The fellas finish right on the heels of the Twins, which is impressive. The clue sends them to a pit stop that's a short hike from where they are. Phil describes the location of Dunnottar Castle, which is the pit stop. It's very pretty -- looks very much your typical Scottish castle on a cliff. You could definitely throw yourself from a high place and dash yourself on the rocks if, for instance, your father planned to make you marry someone dastardly.
Aaron grunts and tosses the rock, and finally, he and Arianne get on their way to the castle. Meanwhile, Michael and Kathy arrive at last. Heave finishes the games, and they're off to the castle as well, followed by FloZach.
Ken and Gerard hit the mat. Welcome, fellas, you are team number two. You know, it's interesting -- this was a pretty physical leg in some ways, and these guys moved up from sixth to second. They may not be as young and rippling-muscle-y as some of the teams they're competing against, but the fact that they held their own in this leg seems to bode well for them. If they're not going to fall behind Derek and Drew doing the games, then they probably have as good a shot as they could ask for. Phil gives them a nice little eyebrow lift as he tells them they're team number two -- I think he's impressed with them too. They hug.
Michael starts the Roadblock as the other HugeTinies converge on the castle. FloZach is team number three, while Aaron and Arianne, having allowed two teams to get between them and their despised rivals, come in fourth. Gee, that part where they caught up sure didn't last very long. And in case you haven't noticed, given the fact that there are only nine teams left after this elimination, fourth place is barely ahead of the middle of the pack. Wooo! Leaderrific!
Michael finishes up the Roadblock posthaste. He comments that the first five teams are within about five minutes of each other, which seems about right. Heather is team number five, and is kind enough to let Eve stand on the mat with her. Michael and Kathy are team number six.
Dennis and Andrew continue to enjoy the limo ride. Andrew offers a cheer: "Dennis and Andrew are really fast, we drove that tank across a lot of grass, we're so fast we're going to kick your..." He hesitates. "Beeeep!" He chuckles. "I can't say 'ass' in front of my dad." Ha! Dennis gives him the big Elbow Of Love. They laugh. They're so cool.
Here come Jill and John Vito, on the second bus. She, wearing a pair of big purple Elton John shades, says that she's "nervous." When they get to the Roadblock, she takes it. "Do I need a lot of muscles for this?" she asks with a smile, hands on hips, as she sets up for the caber toss. "No, you're too good-looking for muscles," says their game guide in his lovely brogue. "You got that right," we hear John Vito mutter. Aww. She comments that this might be a Roadblock her sturdily constructed beau should have taken instead, but she attacks it anyway. She even does a little Three Stooges "woop woop woop" as she balances the pole. As John Vito points out in a later interview, the pole is about three times as tall as Jill is, and it teeters a bit. She tosses it successfully, though, jumping for joy when it lands along the lines. Love her. Even though she does go, "Woo!"
On the last bus, Andre and Damon and Teri and Ian eye each other grimly. Jill, meanwhile, heaves the rock, she and John Vito get the clue, and they land on the mat. Welcome, Jill Bon Vito, you are team number seven. They high-five. And, you know, for her, the high-five is really high.
The last bus pulls into Aberdeen. They get cabs. When they reach the Roadblock, Teri reads the clue. "You've gotta do it," Ian says, shaking his head. The hell? She starts the caber toss, and does not have an easy time. Rather than flipping end over end, the pole seems to want to just slip out of her hands and drop on the ground. She tries to run along flipping it by hand, actually turning it over herself. Uh, no. Ian suggests she try another game and come back to it. She says she can't, and even if she could, that would be stupid. (Well, she doesn't say the "stupid" part, but I think she thinks it.) "Don't give me instructions," she snaps. "It was your choice not do it." Gosh. They're lovely. "I thought you were gonna do the Roadblock," he says, almost as if she volunteered and he didn't say "you've gotta do it" as soon as she opened it. Which he did.
Here come Andre and Damon. Eventually, Teri does get the pole to flip. Of course, then Ian cheers for her. This is one of those really telling moments, because it seems to me that anyone can be supportive after something is accomplished. That's nothing. What matters is how you act when it's not going well. These Roadblocks that are watched close-up by your teammate are so revealing, because there are so many approaches as the spectator. You can tease them and try to keep them light, which is, for instance, how Alex reacted in New Zealand when Chris couldn't get White Sheep to listen to him. You can yell support, which is what most people choose to do. But when you act cold and disapproving, it says a lot.
Andre and Damon and Teri and Ian get the clue at just about the same time, and they're off on a run to the pit stop. Firecop gets out ahead. "Well, we gave it our best shot, dear," Ian whines as they approach the pit stop, knowing they're behind Andre and Damon. Firecop arrives as team number eight. When Teri and Ian hit the mat, Phil grimaces at them. He'll probably claim later that he was faking them out, but I think he was depressed that he was again deprived of the opportunity to Philiminate them. He tells them they aren't last. They hug. Bleh. Ian makes some lame-ass "beam me up, Scotty" joke to the greeter. Oh, har, har.
Sniff. Much later, when it's dark, here comes the limo. Dennis and Andrew land on the mat, and are Philiminated. Phil is sad. I have to say that it really was a pretty crummy FF, in that it wasn't a very FF-friendly leg. The vast majority of the time wasn't spent on tasks, it was spent on travel, and they didn't really save any travel by getting the FF. On the other hand, I've never seen a FF that would have absorbed a difference of twenty-four hours, which is how far behind they were by the time they landed in London. 'Twas the airport did them in. Damn Cancun. They hug. Andrew says, in a really cool interview in which he seems a lot older than he does when he's jumping around and being goofy, that all his life, his dad has seen him as a little kid. He wanted to do the race to help his dad understand that he's getting older and can do things on his own. As if I didn't already really like what this team was about and what they brought to the show, I think it's great that although they did talk about the challenges they faced because Dad is a Baptist and Andrew is a gay cheerleader, they also face some of the same challenges that all fathers and sons face, which really have nothing to do with that -- like the way Dad wants him to close up the Amazing Purse so he doesn't lose the clue, and the way Andrew wants Dad not to treat him like a baby. The mix of the part of their relationship that's gimmicky and the part that's universal is what's most interesting. "Andrew, buddy, you know I love you," says Dennis, "and I'm so glad you came to me that one night and said, 'Dad, we gotta do this race.' And we've done it. We made the race. If you ever come up with another adventure, remember dear old Dad. I'm game." "I appreciate that," Andrew says.
It's not like I haven't said enough times that this is the coolest reality show ever, but I just have to point out that this episode was enormously enjoyable, and even the very unfortunate elimination of one of my early favorite teams didn't ruin it for me. Unlike Survivor and Big Brother and shows of that type, I always believe that for a lot of these folks, it really is a valuable experience whether they win or not. You can look at these guys and know that they're not just fodder lying beside the road, like early evictees from the Big Brother house. They're still a great story, and that's one of the many reasons why it drives me out of my freaking mind that this show has to try to scrape up ratings against the likes of The Bachelor while Survivor coasts along on its endless supply of vain whiners.
I like the fact that alliances are fairly useless. I like the fact that you can pretty much only win or lose on your own. I like the fact that speaking a foreign language and being kind to strangers and staying calm under pressure do more for you than having the ability to double-talk people into a coma so they don't know you're gunning for them. I like the fact that when I think about Thailand, I have Pai Plong Beach and the flower market in my head, and that when I think about India, I can see the Taj Mahal as well as the swarm of people around Momily's car, and that I know what Namibia looks like and what a township in South Africa looks like and that Seattle is the airline gateway to Anchorage. This is a good show, dammit. Keep it up, y'all. All, right, end of Bad Time Slot Pep Talk.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Portugal. Aaron declares that "Ian defines 'Ugly American.'" Someone hits something with a truck. There is what they would like us to think is a tense race to the finish line. You never know. Ian talks about sucking it up, but he unfortunately doesn't seem to mean anti-freeze.