Previously on You, Too, Can Dig It!: Tara and the Weasel tore each other matching new ones, while Gary kept recycling all of his old ones, and Oswald and Danny by any other name smelled as sweet. Wil and Blake blew the Roadblock, and Chris and Alex blew into the lead with the Fast Forward. Mining wasn't easy, and existential golf wasn't easy, but mining followed by existential golf was the one truly bad choice, and it led to the overdue elimination of the tiresome Team Thunk. Gary was bodily carted off the mat by an international police force and forced to go home. Who will be eliminated…?
Credits. Be sure to tune your instrument before beginning: "Near! The! End! Nobody is! Your! Friend! They'll stab you in! The! Back! They'll pull a sneak! At-tack! What! They'll! Do! Is step right o-ver you! It's get-ting mean!…Out there…no doubt…be-ware…look out…oh, and…trust! No! One! Until the Race! Is! Done! Be-tray-al! [BOMP.]"
Commercials. Dear Ving Rhames: You cannot be a bad-ass ever again, once you have done a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. I'm just telling you, because apparently, your agent did not.
We open this week's adventure in the Australian outback, where the drunken cameramen careen with abandon around the barren landscape. Phil describes the outback as "two million square miles of sweltering desert," and says that "settlements are few and far between." (I recently overheard a conversation in which a location in Australia was being described, and someone asked, "Is it in the middle?" The answer was, "No, no, there's nothing in the middle except a big fence and a few kangaroos.") Cut to Phil, in his beautiful sky-blue shirt from the second episode, strolling. I love that shirt. If eyes that look like limpid pools were a shirt, they'd be this one. Anyway, he tells us that this "aboriginal village" is the ninth pit stop. Time to do The Eat, Sleep, And Mingle Boogie. Unfortunately, as the number of teams diminishes, and probably in part because nobody wants to see how Alex and Tara are blurring the line between Sleeping and Mingling, they've cut down substantially on the E/S/M footage. There's hardly any of it this week, except a little snippet of Wil eating and a few random high-fives. Well, and several of those hideous olive-green hats -- I know, I know, they're functional in the million-degree weather. Tell it to someone who cares about their well-being and doesn't have to look at them repeatedly. Teams have no idea what's in store, red-and-yellow flags, route markers, they have to wear their underwear on their heads for the twenty-four hours, sealed envelopes, Exposition Hands, et cetera. (Just seeing whether you're paying attention.) Will Taraweasel or the Teeth grab the FF? Can Boston maintain their newly-minted lead, and more to the point, are they going to stop being endearing so I can go back to hating them? Will Oswald and Danny take time out for another shopping excursion? If they do, will they get a discount? Will they buy off the rack? The excitement continues to build.
3:35 AM. Boston, fresh from their meat pie triumph, opens the clue. Chris, as always, is resplendently accessorized with The Amazing Purse. I know I tease Chris about the Purse, but I do understand. Where else is he going to keep his compact and his little can of hairspray? Anyway, the clue tells them that they have to take one or more flights and wind up at a bridge outside Queenstown, New Zealand. Phil Phil-overs that this journey is, in total, more than two thousand miles, and they have to start by driving themselves to a place where some big tractor-trailers are parked. When they get there, they'll load up their SUVs onto the trucks, and then they can sleep while they're hauled to a place called Glendambo. After that, they'll unload the SUVs and drive to the Glendambo airstrip to hop a flight to Adelaide, and then it's Adelaide to New Zealand, using whatever arrangements they can come up with. To underscore the importance of performing this task quickly, two kangaroos bound across the frame. Okay, the kangaroos don't really have anything to do with performing the task quickly, but I think the editors are sitting on a lot of kangaroo footage, and they only have a short time to cram it in before they have to switch to sheep.
At any rate, Boston selects an SUV and climbs in. Alex sits in the back and becomes the navigator, all the while anxiously chewing his gum. When Boston finds the trucks, Chris refers to them as "pretty ladies all in a row." Ugh. Chris needs to stop watching quite so many gangster movies, or else he needs to internalize them a little less. They locate their driver, who starts to help them load their SUV onto the truck. They quickly get on their way, in a big trailer that says "REFRIGERATED EXPRESS." They take this opportunity to relax, but I'm not going to make a "chilling out" joke, even though you know I could. I would be fired, but I could do it. As they rest during the ride, Chris mentions that he and Alex left at 3:35, and the team to leave will be Paige and Blake at 5:01.
5:01 AM. Paige and Blake. Paige has this week combined her Teeny Tiny Ponytail Horns Of Fashion Tragedy with a Batman t-shirt, all of which makes her look a little like some kind of crime-fighting toddler -- Super Rugrat, you might say. As they head out, Blake voices over about how confident he and Paige are feeling (I would think so, having tripped over more luck in the last several episodes than this show has ever seen). "If we make absolute perfect decisions and move quickly, then no one can catch us," he says. Blake: Professor of Tautology. They climb into their SUV.
5:06 AM. Wil and Tara. They count their money and head out. The Weasel voices over that he and Tara are both stubborn, and "it seems like the world's not big enough for both of [them]." I can't swear that this is the issue, but it seems to me that there would actually be a lot more room in the world if Wil would do something about his hair, for God's sake. With all the tufts extending in random directions, it is more of a piece of engineering ingenuity than ever, which is really saying something, considering that this hair has, in weeks, been written up in Architectural Digest. He hopes their relationship will improve to the point where they can "work together." I hope they both burst into flames.
5:09 AM. Danny and Oswald. Oswald explains as they walk to their car that he and Danny don't really have the "edgy competitiveness" of the other teams. He says he doesn't want to "crush anyone" or "hurt anyone." He thinks they have a shot at winning, so don't count him out. I certainly hope he's right.
Teeth car. Blake anxiously discusses the four-minute lead they're trying to hold onto. "Right, Paige?" "That's right," she says mechanically. Wow, that was creepy. Not like dirty-creepy, just creepy. There's something about the way they talk to each other that just strikes me as completely unnatural. It's impossible for me to imagine what they're like when they're not on television, but I can't imagine they're like this. It's just weird.
Taraweasel car, where for once Wil is driving and Tara is navigating. "Every second counts," he emphasizes, knowing that the Teeth are right up ahead.
The Teeth find the trucks. As they finish loading their SUV, Paige comments that Tara and Wil are arriving. "So they're right on our tail," she baby-voices. You know, I think if you put a pinhole in her side and let some of the helium out, Paige would talk just like Kathleen Turner. She also notes that Cha-Cha-Cha is just behind Tara and the Weasel. "This is crazy," she chirps. That Paige chirp is very versatile. I suspect she uses it for both joy and medical emergencies.
As Taraweasel finishes chaining up their vehicle, Tara says, "Make me proud, Papa" to someone. I can't tell who it is, and at this point I really don't care. If it's Wil? Ew. If it's the driver? EW! Meanwhile, Oswald beckons the Cha-Cha-Cha driver to help them with the loading, just as Tara and the Weasel work on getting their driver moving. "How can we help you make this go fast?" Tara says impatiently. Before you know it, things have progressed, and she and Wil and the Teeth pile into the trucks at about the same time. Blake gives their driver directions, which is fine, and calls him "mate," which is not fine. "We've never been in an eighteen-wheeler before, and this is pretty cool," Paige says, still wearing that same grin -- she doesn't leave home without it, that's for sure. Taraweasel also drives off.
Cha-Cha-Cha, still supervising the loading of their SUV onto the truck. "Oh, come on, I want to go," Oswald mutters to himself as they stand around. "Hey, relax," Danny reminds him. "I know, I know, I know," Ozzie answers. "Do you need to help us do anything [sic] to get going quicker, or...we're cool standing here?" he asks the driver. Well, of course they're cool standing there. They're cool standing anywhere.
Wil is told that it's a three-and-a-half hour drive to where they're going. I'm curious about why they didn't just drive the SUVs. It's not as if they've never driven a few hours before, I don't think. Could they have been trying to give them time to sleep? No three-and-a-half hour drives when everybody's sleep-deprived? Very curious.
Danny and Oswald finally jump in and get going. We see a few lovely night shots of the drive, and then we peek in on Boston, snoozing in the luxurious cabin of their rig. Blake and Paige are curled up sleeping, too, and for all the ribbing they've taken for apparently "spooning" in this shot, that's the way you sleep two people comfortably in this amount of space, it seems to me. I mean, he richly deserved a raised eyebrow for that speech about wanting to marry her, but this didn't strike me as odd in the least. Frankly, for the Teeth, this is refreshingly normal.
As morning comes and their early morning ride draws to a close, Alex says that he and Chris are going to find a phone, so that they can call ahead and get started finding flights. Boston arrives in Glendambo, and Phil explains that their job is to drive themselves to the local airstrip and catch a 10:30 or an 11:15 charter flight to Adelaide to start the trip to Queenstown. Boston finds out that the airport is only a few minutes down the road, so they have time to get on the phone and work on flights before they take off. Alex starts his phone call like this: "Hi, this is my predicament…" It appears that he merely goes on to say that he needs to fly from Adelaide to Queenstown. For a minute, I thought he was going to say, "Here's my predicament -- I'm involved with this woman, and she has this nasty-ass husband with painfully bad hair, and we're in competition for a million dollars, and there are all these TV cameras…" I sort of wish he had. The news on airline tickets isn't so good -- Alex passes along to Chris that, apparently, there's no way to get the flights done until the day. "No one's gettin' to New Zealand tonight," he says. Doesn't that sound like a line from a terribly exciting movie of the week? "You'd better call out the Air Force, Mr. President -- no one's getting to New Zealand tonight." Okay, so it wouldn't be that exciting.
As they wait around by the phones at the Mobil station (which is actually a big oasis called the Glendambo Roadhouse, complete with restaurant and so forth), Boston spots two more teams arriving. The Teeth and Taraweasel unload their SUVs. Taraweasel runs up to Boston, all agitated to get to the airport. Tara is clearly surprised that Boston is just standing around at the Roadhouse, given that there are these limited-seat charters to Adelaide leaving forty-five minutes apart. She wonders if they don't understand about the charters. "You have to go sit in your seat, or you don't get a seat," Tara tells Chris, who responds that it makes no difference whether they fly to Adelaide at 10:30 or 11:15, because there are no flights out until the day anyway. Blake runs up to the group just as Tara and Chris are walking away, and Wil hands him the news: "Doesn't matter, dude, we're not getting in till tomorrow."
Blake goes into the Roadhouse and asks for directions to the airstrip. As the guy gives them to him, he makes little directional hand gestures, and Blake sort of mimics them the whole time, which just looks very funny, like watching somebody's lips move when they read. Once they've secured the directions, the Teeth run out and hop in their SUV and take off, which provokes Wil and Tara to roar into action behind them. Wil's hair is reaching truly crazed proportions right about now -- it's like it's a metaphor for his mental stability. He and Tara bicker about where the airstrip is. Wil thinks it's on the road that runs right by the Roadhouse, but Tara says -- very snottily, I might add -- "I asked Chris and Alex, and they said it was on the main road." "This is the main road," Wil grumps. Tara gives in, and they take off in the same direction as the Teeth. Chris, seeing Taraweasel leave, shrugs it off. "They can sit on the plane three hours for something that doesn't matter." He, apparently, would rather stand by a phone booth for three hours, because that definitely matters. Oh, and Chris? Take off that bandanna you've got tied around your head. Your head and Chachi's leg should not be similarly attired. This is a bad sign.
The Teeth progress toward the airstrip, unnecessarily happy about getting on the first flight. Blake says that although Wil and Tara and Boston are sure there's no purpose in getting the earlier flight, "you take risks in this game, and [he] think[s] this is a risk that's going to pay off." He goes on to explain that it's always possible that working the phone will turn out to be a better strategy than going to the airport, but once again, Blake is always looking for the Wacky Scheme, and so he's hoping he won't screw himself by not getting a flight on the phone like everybody else is doing.
Behind them, Wil points out that he's following Blake, but he has no idea whether Blake knows where he's going. "You know Blake and directions," Wil says warily. HA! Okay, in thirteen episodes? You have to think everybody's going to make me laugh once, and that was Wil's chance. Wil decides the Teeth are on a road to nowhere, and he turns back toward the Mobil station. Practically as soon as he's gone, the Teeth reach the Glendambo Airfield. Oooh, burn! Wil was funny, but wrong about Blake in this case. One point for the Glowtoothed Boy.
Back at the Roadhouse, Wil chats with Boston about the location of the airport, and then leaves to go ask somebody for directions. He really does seem like the screws are coming a bit loose in these last few days of the race. Alex speaks in a low and amused voice to Tara about the disintegration of her team. "You guys seem like you're losin' it," he says. "Is Wil losin' his maah-bles or what?" Snerk. "Dude, Wil lost 'em," she responds. I really don't like her, but…double snerk. Chris approaches them. "Is he comin' unwound?" he asks, referring to Wil. They return to the topic of flights, and Alex explains that Boston's flights are all booked to Queenstown. At this point, Wil returns to Tara and says he wants to leave for the airstrip. She asks him what happened to what was apparently his plan, which was to stay at the Roadhouse and call to book their flights to New Zealand. "Dude, make up your mind," she says. He asks her what she would like to do, and she says, "I'm not telling you, you just figure it out." Oh, dear. This is not a good situation at all. "I quit," Wil declares dramatically, but Tara just laughs. "You always quit," she points out. Wil curls up at the gas pumps, swearing that he's staying right there and will go no further. "I thought you weren't going to quit again," Alex says, amused. Taraweasel bicker some more, and Tara winds up telling Wil that he's "just an idiot." Boy, it's hard to imagine how these two crazy kids went wrong, isn't it? In an interview, Tara says she was really frustrated, because Wil has been doing nothing but griping all the time, and in his interview, he actually agrees. As they pull out of the Roadhouse to go to the airstrip, Tara yells out the window, "Can I please have a new partner?" (Write your own "didn't she already get one?" joke here.) They drive off, and Chris, leaning on the hood of the Boston SUV, smirks just a little. "Kid's comin' unwound," he comments. Yeah, no kidding. But of course it's Wil, so the winding was never really all that tight to begin with.
At the airstrip, the Teeth proudly claim their seats on the 10:30 charter. Wil and Tara approach, with Wil noting that they had, in fact, been heading in the right direction when they were following the Teeth the first time. (That's what you get for incorrectly doubting the power of the Teeth.) He and Tara make it onto the first charter (which still apparently isn't leaving for a while), just as Chris and Alex drive out of the Roadhouse. "Let's get it on," Chris says. Yeah, you know, his appeal is wearing right off at this point. I think this is going to work out just fine. He says that it makes no difference what charter they're on, because their New Zealand flights are all booked anyway. "No worries, like they say in Australia, you know?"
Danny and Oswald de-truck at the Roadhouse. They each get on a phone, and they start yelling back and forth between the booths. "Where am I going again?" Danny asks. "From Adelaide to Queenstown," Oswald tells him. Danny goes back to his phone call, and says, "To Queensburg." Heh. "QUEENSTOWN, NEW ZEALAND," Ozzie emphatically repeats, and Danny obediently corrects himself. They line up their flights and drive out to the airstrip. All the teams meet up at the charters and do a little chatting. The 10:30 eventually takes off with Blake and Paige on board, as well as Wil and Tara. "This leg is going to be crazy," Paige voices over. "We have this advantage, but we're still going to be perfect with our decisions." Given that they don't have flights yet, I think it's a stretch to say they have any advantage -- after all, unless Boston was wrong to say there were no earlier flights than the ones they got, Paige and Blake are going to gain nothing from being on the first flight. Horns Of Perseverance: "BLATBLATBLAT BLATBLATBLAT BLATBLATBLAT BLAT!"
Boston boards the 11:15 with Cha-Cha-Cha. Oswald, in a voice-over: "It's such a difficult thing to predict which teams are going to be in the top three, because all four of [the teams] have totally different ways of competing." Very true.
The first plane lands in Adelaide at noon. Wil and Tara go in and buy their tickets to Queenstown, with Wil stressing the importance of being in the front of the plane. The Teeth learn that Wil and Tara snagged the last few seats for the first leg of the flight, so they're on a later flight leaving Adelaide. See, Blake? You might have been smart to listen to Chris.
Second charter lands at 12:45, and before you know it, we're on the Adelaide-to-Melbourne flight, which leaves at 2:05 PM. This flight is carrying Boston, Cha-Cha-Cha, and Taraweasel. Phil explains, with the help of The Amazing Yellow Line and The Amazing World Map, that the teams are going from Melbourne to Christchurch (which is in New Zealand), and then Christchurch to Queenstown. Back at the Adelaide airport, Blake is trying to find something to get the Teeth to Queenstown "faster," but it's not clear at this point whether they're looking for a way to get there before the other teams, or whether they're looking to catch up with the other teams. Paige makes a reference to "find[ing] whatever they [presumably the other teams] found," but I'm not sure why they'd be having trouble getting the same flights that were apparently pretty easy for the other three teams to book, so…it's not making perfect sense to me. He and Paige make it onto a flight to Melbourne that leaves at 2:40, so it seems they're not having too much trouble. With two more legs after this, that would seem to be a very manageable gap, and I'd assume they'd catch everybody else when they get to Melbourne, wouldn't you?
The Boston/Cha/Taraweasel plane lands in Melbourne at 2:45, followed by the Teeth at 3:20. The Teeth try to finagle an earlier flight, but eventually they wind up on exactly the same flight to Christchurch as everybody else. I sort of admire Blake for constantly trying to improve his lot, but honestly, he does expend a lot of energy on complex plans that don't pan out, you know? He should go work for Salon. At any rate, everybody winds up on the same flight to Christchurch at 6:15 that night, which gets them in at 1:00 in the morning. Everybody takes a snooze in the lounge at their departure gate for the flight.
The morning at 5:30, we see Oswald starting the day by putting in his contacts. Wow, now that seems like it would be a pain in the ass on a trip like this. I'd almost think you'd wear your glasses and forget it, though I suppose that could be awkward, too (that's apparently what Danny did). I also feel obligated to mention that Oswald is still really cute. Really, really cute. Are you sure I shouldn't marry him? Hmm. All right, if you still think it might be a bad idea.
As we begin the day, Blake hatches The Plan That Launched A Thousand Forum Posts, which is to carry on the backpacks rather than checking them. At the gate as they board, the gate agent says, and I quote, "Bring any bags?" And Blake says, "Uhhh, no." Yeah, that's a lie right there. He wasn't asked whether he needed to check any, he wasn't asked whether he wanted to check any, he wasn't asked whether he had checked any. He was asked whether he brought any bags, and he said no. And, in fact, I'd argue that the word "bring" specifically suggests that she's referring to whether he has any bags with him right now. And he says no. Big old lie. Furthermore, it's a lie to an airline, which, in these times, is not something one should do. Yes, the agent could see that they had bags after they had passed her and headed down the tunnel, but I'm sure it becomes rather tiresome to chase idiots all day long, and furthermore, she probably knew they weren't terrorists, what with the CBS cameras and everything. Any way you slice it, though, it's still a lie. To that point, the other teams are quite distraught to see that Blake has pulled off this particular Wacky Scheme. They argue to the gate agent that it's hardly fair that the Teeth were allowed to carry their bags on when other teams weren't.
Now, here's where I do a little speculating. Just about every time we've ever seen teams in this race get on a plane in either season, they've carried their bags on. We've seen it many, many times -- backpacks being put into or taken out of the overhead compartment. There is absolutely no freaking way that the other teams on this flight checked their bags because they weren't smart enough to think of carrying them on. No team in this race would ever have checked their bags unless they had specific reason to believe that they had to. So this is my guess: I think they were told, either by the person who sold them their tickets, or by the gate agent, or by somebody, that they had to check everything. Perhaps it's the size of the plane, perhaps it's security, whatever. But somebody told them they had to check the backpacks. And the Teeth ignored it. And they got away with it, and that's fine. But here are these other teams, who have been told by the airline that there's a rule you have to follow, and they've followed it, and now a team that lied and ignored the rule is being granted an advantage? That would piss me off, too. Moreover, keep in mind that Blake and Paige already have a reputation -- deserved or not -- for behaving questionably to try to gain an advantage. Remember the discussion about the fact that allowing themselves to get that reputation could one day bite the Teeth in the butt? Yeah, me too.
The other teams continue to press their case to the gate agent, who is totally unsympathetic because, frankly, she screwed up and would rather not discuss it. They ask why some were allowed to carry their bags on and some weren't, and she says, "I don't know." Note that she doesn't say, "Nobody else asked," or "You all could have carried on your bags" -- comments that would have shut everybody else right up. Chris points out that the Teeth lied about having no bags, but the agent remains unmoved. Alex, in an interview, calls the "blatant lie" a "good move on their part" in its own way, but ultimately says that if the Teeth want to get cute, they should expect others to get cute with them in return. If the rule is "whatever you can get away with is all right"? Well, the Teeth are about to find out that that one cuts both ways, and one way is going to be a well-deserved buzz saw right down the center of this particular Wacky Scheme.
Commercials. If you don't take Allegra, no one will like you. Ever. Everyone will think you're antisocial. They already don't invite you to their parties, have you noticed? You are on thin ice as it is. My advice? Allegra.
Plane Of Controversy. "Everyone's a little pissed this morning, because we're the only team with bags on the plane," Blake says. Now we switch to Boston for the opposing view. "We all had to check our bags -- just the policy of the airline," Chris says. (Policy of the airline -- hear that?) He goes on to say that lying about not having bags was "cheap," and an "outright lie." Which...it was, of course. On the plane, Tara and Alex discuss the fact that they think it might be a little more fair if nobody were allowed off the plane until the checked luggage makes it off. The flight lands in Queenstown. Chris voices over that Boston was in the front of the plane and the Teeth were in the back. "We were like, 'We're not gonna let them get the jump on us,'" he says. Alex grabs the cabin intercom and says in his best customer-service voice, "We'll be underway here in just two minutes if everyone can just give a couple more seconds..." Hee. "Chris, please get ready to run," he continues with a grin. Um...hee, again. Now, before you go getting all worked up, note that this is all being done with a lot of chuckling, and it's pretty obvious that the people working on the plane have been completely co-opted into participating, or at least into allowing it to go on -- probably because they know exactly what's going on with the luggage, they know they screwed up at the other end of the flight, and this is frankly a rather fair way of putting everybody on even footing, which they would have been anyway if the airline had enforced its own policy. Frontier justice, is what this is. In an interview, Danny says that Alex's adventures on the intercom were "hilarious," and that everybody on the plane was laughing. Well, not so much the Teeth, I think, but everybody else. Blake is griping, unsurprisingly.
Alex voices over that the folks working the plane indeed understood the situation, so they weren't about to intervene. His move is to broadly fake a leg injury and collapse to the floor, blocking the aisle. (He's laughing the entire time -- he's not actually attempting to fool anyone.) Blake and Paige finally brilliantly deduce that they're being intentionally held back. "Those guys are stayin' on the freaking front of the plane acting like jackasses," Blake notes. Aw, sucks when your own rule-stretcher is countered by somebody else's rule-stretcher, doesn't it? Incidentally, the lady at the bottom of the steps as they de-plane is, I'm pretty sure, the same lady they were complaining to back at the gate (the lady with the hat and the glasses), so she knows exactly what's what, and as stated previously, what she's doing is basically letting the teams equalize the situation for themselves rather than doing what she probably should have originally done, which is haul the Teeth's carry-on bags off the plane and make them check them like everybody else did.
In short, I found that entire sequence very, very funny, I laughed out loud repeatedly, Blake and Paige deserved it, and I completely side with Boston. It was a minor bit of revenge for a minor bad act, and it ought to be laid to rest. Period.
Once the luggage gets off the plane, everybody runs for the terminal. Well, the other teams run -- the Teeth walk, which makes me even less sympathetic to their cause. Boston jumps in a cab, as do Tara and Wil and Cha-Cha-Cha. Blake and Paige land a ride, too, once the driver corrects them about which side of the van to jump in from. Would've been funny to see Blake trying to find the door handle on the wrong side of the van, though. I think he might have looked for quite a while. Anyway, Phil explains that they're headed for Wentworth Station, a farm where their clue can be found. Chris says that Taraweasel and Cha-Cha-Cha are just behind Boston, and the Teeth are "freakin' out, 'cause they thought they had a jump, and now they don't." Ah, another of Blake's schemes goes down in flames. Maybe he should have offered the flight attendants a wooden rhino.
Speaking of the Teeth, here's Blake, telling their driver to speed, and Blake will pay for the tickets. So, just to refresh your memory, if you're casting Blake in the role of Captain Put-Upon in the morality play inside your head? You've just got to trust me -- he's really not cut out for the part. He and Paige say that they're going to go do the Fast Forward. They've decided it's now most advantageous to go for it, as Phil explains during his Fast Forward speech. This week, you claim the FF by taking a speedboat ride on the Shotover River, spotting a flag, and grabbing the ticket. Not terribly challenging, I must say, but more so than a meat pie.
Taraweasel, Boston, and 3Cha are still making their way to the station. "You gotta just, like, floor it, man," Alex tells their driver. "It is floored, it is flat, so do not panic, we will get there," the slightly irritated driver tells him. Heh. Way to stand up for yourself, driver. Don't let the neckless push you around. Of course, Taraweasel now passes Boston, so the definition of "floored" depends on what particular cab you happen to be in. In the Cha cab, Ozzie explains that they are sticking with Taraweasel and Boston, and the Teeth are on their own.
Speaking of Blake and Paige, here's Blake, on the way to the FF: "The game is getting tight, you know...this is the final four. I don't have any loyalties, or alliances, or anything. It's Paige and I versus them." First, wouldn't that be "Paige and me"? ["Actually, the verb 'to be' requires the subjective case except in its infinitive form, so, no. In case anyone's working on an Amazing Grammar manuscript." -- Sars] Second, when did Blake ever have any loyalties or alliances? When has Blake ever played for anyone but himself? In short, shut up, Blake. Cheater! Speeder! They find the speedboat and take off. Flying down the river, Paige clutches her absurdly inappropriate knit hat (take the damn hat off, sweetheart), they look for the flag, and the only highlight is when Blake gets splashed with water right in the face and reports that it's cold.
Tara and Wil, apparently due to the stellar performance of their taxi driver, are the first to Wentworth Station. Boston is right behind, followed by Oswald and Danny. The clue sends them to the Nevis Highwire Platform, which is out in the middle of a gorge. To get there, you drive up the mountain and then hop a gondola. (No, not a gondola like in Venice -- a gondola like at a ski resort.) On the way up, Wil wants to discuss what the hell a Nevis Platform is. Heh. This will be a nice one for Wil, Afraid-Of-Heights Man. The word "platform" doesn't really thrill him so much. Worse yet, he opens what looks like a little brochure, which indicates that this platform is the home of the "mother of all bungee jumps." Tara is tickled. Wil smiles nervously, and it's officially Wil's First Endearing Moment Ever.
If you were ever going to find Alex good-looking -- and I'm not saying I necessarily did -- it would be in this shot, as he and Chris make their way up the mountain. "Oh, man," Chris intones disbelievingly at the site of the gorge and the platform. Cha-Cha-Cha spots it too. "You don't see this back in Miami," Danny comments. Oswald agrees. Here, I have the urge to make some sort of Florida electoral "platform" joke, but somehow an overwhelming wave of mercy has motivated me to spare you.
The Teeth, blah blah blah, the river, blah blah blah, the flag, blah blah blah, the Fast Forward, blah blah blah, ugly headgear, blah blah blah. Man, these people bore me.
At the gondola station, Taraweasel runs to sign up (each gondola can carry two teams). Boston and Cha-Cha-Cha follow.
The river is difficult, and the Teeth are beginning to be impacted. But they find it, grab it, and go. Thank God. They're clear to drive to the Inverary Sheep Station. Blake says they've "got to get there before 10:00." Before 10:00? Why? That makes no sense. Whatever, Toothy.
Platform Of Imminent Death, Music Of Foreboding. As Taraweasel and Boston board the gondola, Wil displays his hand, which has "86" written on it in red ink. Boy, I understand the guy may go "splat" on the rocks, but aren't dental records a more conventional method of identification? As they head out on the gondola toward the platform, everybody is just a bit jumpy. When they arrive, Tara and Wil are the first to go. "Wil's a little bit nervous," Boston comments. Wil is gray, is what Wil is. Wil is the color of granite. When they actually reach the platform, they are given a Detour clue, although given that they're already strapped into bungee gear, I think the outcome is pretty clear at this point. It's classic Reckless/Chicken stuff, because if you refuse the bungee jump, you have to take what looks like an absurdly long hike down, so if you want any chance at all, you'd better jump. Phil explains how both tasks have "pros and cons," but really, the only "pro" the hike has is that it isn't the jump. The jump, by the way, is "tandem," meaning that they do it while bound together.
Taraweasel and Boston both commit to the jump, but Wil still looks seriously, seriously unwell. It's pretty clear that this is not run-of-the-mill bungee nervousness. The guy is, not to put too fine a point on it, fuckin' terrified. And interestingly, what it does is infuse Wil with a shot of humility, which I think is why sympathy for Wil was a common reaction during this sequence. His whole arrogant, self-righteous thing has been completely derailed, and that's why he doesn't seem quite as hideous as usual. Don't worry, it won't last. As he and Tara are hooked up to the equipment, she voices over that his knees were knocking into hers, and as they venture out onto the platform, you can literally see the guy shaking. And a guy has to be shaking pretty hard for you to be able to spot it on TV.
Commercials. Go to Cattle Company, because there's really no such thing as too much red meat.
Bungee Gorge Of Doom, Weird Buzzing Music Of Phobia-Fighting. Wil and Tara are at the edge of the platform, wearing their matching brown Adidas-ish warm-up jackets (yeah, I don't know what they're thinking). They jump. Gravity has its way with them, and as they dangle at the end of the cord, she laughs hysterically out of what is presumably a combination of exhilaration and relief. Up at the platform, Alex laughs hysterically, too, because there's really nothing funnier than seeing your girlfriend and her husband cheating death. Tara voices over that she gives Wil full credit for having done the jump in spite of his fear of heights. And you know what? Me, too. Shhh, don't tell anybody. "How do you feel?" she asks him. "All right," he lies with a tight smile, as they continue to hang upside-down. Aw. They're laid out on the ground and untied, and as they run over to the McFlag and grab the clue, he comments that it was "pretty cool," and beams some more. "I did it, Tara," he says. She gives him a hug, and just for a second, you can sort of understand how maybe, maybe, they might have once liked each other. Anyway, enough of the warm and fuzzy. The clue says to go to the Inverary Sheep Station, which Phil says is a little more than three hundred miles away. We get a lovely barrage of rapid-fire shots as the details are explained, and they look like this: Sheep! Sheep! Sheep! Sheepsheepsheepsheep! Sheep! Wil and Tara choose a red SUV and take off. As usual, he's driving, and she's navigating. "Boner, does that mean we're together again, since we tandemed that sucker?" he asks her in the car. (Number of men who have ever made romantic progress while calling their wives "Boner": Zero.) "No, absolutely not," she says, a bit more coldly than was perhaps required, given the fact that I think there was a hint of levity in the question. He's actually a tiny bit funny as he says, "I thought it meant that we were back together." She says no, but she's still proud of him for doing it. He says he experienced a "face death, love life" moment. I feel a twinge of sympathy for him, but fortunately, he's gonna be a bastard again week, and I think we all know it.
Back up at the platform, Alex and Chris are getting ready to jump as Oswald and Danny approach in the second gondola. "How're you doing?" the bungee guy calls out to Cha-Cha-Cha. "Wonderful," Oswald says straightforwardly. "Ready to lose our lives." Hee! Cha-Cha-Cha arrives at the platform and opens the Detour clue. Oswald is a tad hesitant about the jump, but at Danny's urging, he agrees. Alex gives them the mini-Fists-Of-Friendship. "You're hating me, I know," Danny says to Oswald. "I really am hating you," Oswald says flatly. "I really am hating you right now." Boston edges out onto the ledge. Inside, Oswald crosses himself. The boys get the countdown, and they jump. Scream, swing, grin, yell -- they're having a hell of a time. Back at the top, Cha-Cha-Cha is still pretty nervous. Danny wraps his arms around Oswald's waist.
Meanwhile, Taraweasel is heading for the sheep station, but things are a little bumpy. As happened in the second episode, Wil's got the car in the wrong gear. Tara makes him pull over and hop out so she can drive. As he climbs out, Wil is angry at the car. "It's like, it's not my fuckin' car," he complains, "but you're expected to get it out of gear." Yeah, actually, you are, Wil. What, you want a million dollars when you can't do anything as complicated as shifting? Tara gets into the driver's seat, and immediately locates the way out of low gear. Now that she's solved the problem, Wil of course wants to drive, but it's too late. She takes off like a shot, unwilling to risk him "breaking the car" again. Back at the bottom of the jump, Boston reads the clue and takes off.
Oswald and Danny on the little platform, preparing to jump. "Danny, I suffer from fear of heights," Oswald says. "I want to go home to my mommy." Big grin. Aw, have courage, my dear! Danny points out that they might be eliminated, although I think they probably have a relatively good idea that it's a non-elimination leg. I mean, don't they watch the show?
Boston, driving to the sheep farm, trying not to get lost. Chris is expressing curiosity about whether Cha-Cha-Cha will actually jump, given that "it's a whole different story once you're out there on that little ledge, man."
Cha-Cha-Cha, out there on that little ledge, man. "Oh, my God, what am I doing?" Danny wails as he violates Rule #1 by looking down. But when the countdown comes, they do indeed jump. Oswald grabs onto Danny. "I screamed like a woman on the way down," he voices over, and actually you can hear a certain amount of that happening. The funnier thing, though, is that as they flop at the end of the cord, he clings to Danny like a crazy person, in a way that none of the other teams did at all. He buries his face in Danny's shoulder and keeps repeating, "Oh my God, Danny! Oh my God, Danny!" Pretty damn funny. The music turns to The Tinkling Piano Of The Brave, just as Ozzie's insane clinging starts to completely crack Danny up. They interview about how tightly Oswald hung on, and how it made Danny "go from screaming to laughter in no time." They are lowered to the ground. "That was the best experience I've ever had in my life," Oswald says. Gee, better than the ride in the Mercedes? Better than the shopping? Better than Fern?
The Road To Sheepland. The Teeth arrive at the little "Invernary Sheep Station" sign that all the teams will be desperately seeking for the little while here. Confronted with several large open spaces packed with sheep, Paige comments that "it's a big sheep farm." Good, Paige. [Eye roll.] "I think getting the Fast Forward today is going to almost guarantee us the final three," Blake says. Well, sure. It's impossible to drop from first to fourth in one leg, right? Just ask Mary and Peach. Or Thunk. I mean, I agree that they've got a big leg up, but guaranteed? No. They land on the mat, and Phil tells them they're first. He also tells them that they are the winners of this week's Product Placement Prize, a vacation to Puerto Rico, provided by United Airlines. (Just kidding. It's really provided by US Air.) (No, but I kid. It's actually Delta.)
On The Road To Sheepland, Wil starts in about how he's doing the navigating on this leg, and how Tara always complains that she does all the navigating and he just drives. He'd like a cookie for the work he's putting in, apparently. I sort of see this one from both sides -- he's right to want credit for doing his share, given how hard she rides him when he doesn't. On the other hand, it's also terrifically annoying when you, for instance, wash the dishes every night for a year, and somebody else does them once and expects you to shower them with wet sloppy kisses of gratitude. She also comes right out and calls him a dork. He whines and gripes at her. Wow, they certainly have reached a point of compromise and maturity, haven't they? Oy. Good to know Wil's moment of redemption lasted a full three minutes. They get to the sheep station, and it's about time, because I can't take any more of this argument.
"Whatever this task is, I'm doing it," Wil says as they approach. He is doing this, you see, because she said in Sydney (when he screwed up the Roadblock) that he wasn't going to get to do any more Roadblocks. She then did the boomerang, so he is asserting that he is going to do this one, dammit, because there's no way he's letting her tell him he can't. When they pull the Roadblock clue, it tells them that the person doing it should be "ready for a wild and woolly time." Tara is able to put this together with the huge number of sheep she sees before her, and she announces that the Roadblock will be "something with sheep." She's sharp, that girl. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the team member has to go into a corral with twenty-two sheep in it, including three black ones. There's a smaller pen on the end, and the three black sheep have to be herded into that smaller pen. When they're alone in the little pen, the Roadblock is done, and the teams check into the pit stop.
Wil does indeed take the Roadblock. As he climbs into the corral, he tries the most obvious approach -- pointing and attempting to order the sheep around. "Black -- that way!" To no one's surprise, including his, this isn't a particularly successful approach. "This is gonna take forever," he says, discouraged, although Tara is seeing the humor in it already. She's right, too, because this is in fact the finest comedy Roadblock the show has ever come up with. Let's face it -- dumb animals are funny. And the sheep are funny, too. (Oh, wow, did you hear the THUNK from that one? It made the earth shake. It broke dishes.) Anyway, Wil now decides that he's going to try to herd the black sheep into the pen one at a time. This, of course, is the one thing you cannot do, because what are sheep known for? Yes, that's right -- they're known for doing what all the other sheep are doing. Not so much known for their initiative or individuality.
Cha-Cha-Cha car. Oswald thinks they've taken a wrong turn on the Road to Sheepland, so they turn around. Elsewhere, Chris and Alex are a bit lost as well. "Hopefully, some teams got screwed up here," Alex says, hoping they're not alone in their confusion. Chris bites his nails as they continue. Chris! Stop biting your nails. That's not going to impress the ladies, dog.
Commercials. The right wireless phone service will make you a buff, physically imposing example of manhood.
Wil, still trying to herd the sheep. Tara suggests to him that he dump all the sheep in the little pen and then start getting the white ones out. Wil explains in an interview that trying to track down "each one of the black sheeps [sic]" wasn't working too well for him, because "sheeps follow each other," so he went with Tara's plan. He starts trying to herd them all toward the small pen.
Chris and Alex, still on The Road To Sheepland. Alex says his stomach is queasy, and then he hops out to ask directions. Elsewhere, Cha-Cha-Cha is still looking too. Danny comments that they're "driving aimlessly." Nooo!
Back in Sheepland, Wil mentions that the sheep herding "is not easy." Good call, Mr. Whatever-The-Task-Is-I'm-Doing-It. I think it's the fact that he's wearing the Horrible Hat. The sheep will not follow him anywhere in that thing. Honestly, would you? Tara renews her call for The Triple Reverse Loop-The-Loop, in which Wil would herd all the sheep into the pen, and then each white one will gradually be pushed out. (See, it's not totally a non-elimination episode, at least if you're a sheep.) He agrees to take her advice, opens the little pen wide, and gets in gear. Within a couple of passes, he gets them all into the little pen, and then he starts weeding out the white ones. "You're doing good, you're doing good," Tara says, which makes Wil cackle. The last white sheep is hesitant to leave, forcing Wil to forcefully say, "Out, dude!" and kick him. Yes, really, Wil kicks the sheep. This works like a charm, because the sheep is like, "Who is this clown? They're paying me scale, you think I'm sitting still for this abuse?" And he leaves, so Wil is done with the Roadblock. "I am a sheep herder!" he yells triumphantly. Whatever. They run to the pit stop. Hey, Taraweasel, you are team number two! They high-five and hug. Wil voices over that he's known from the beginning that they need to learn to communicate in order to win. I'm not sure what the purpose of that remark is, given that they still haven't remotely learned to communicate and are still in second place, but whatever, Wil.
Road To Sheepland. Chris and Alex, still looking. Oswald, asking directions. Chris and Alex, finding the sign at last. "It says 'Invernary Sheep Station,'" Alex says eagerly. They also see the "route mah-kah" as a few horns blat in the background in anticipation of their arrival. They open the clue (holding it right in front of Chris's "I Plucked The Hottest Chicken At The Rambler's Roost" shirt), and Chris takes the Roadblock.
In the Cha-Cha-Cha cab, Oswald is repeating the directions to Danny, and when he gets to the part where what they're looking for is "nine kilometers" away, Danny reaches down on the dash and resets the trip meter -- which makes me laugh, because that's exactly what I do when I'm trying to follow directions like that. I'm a total trip meter geek.
Chris, sheep-herding, in what is arguably one of the two or three funniest sequences this show has ever produced. He sort of tries to body-block them, and then he starts taunting the sheep. "Come on, black sheep! Black sheep!" He says this just exactly like he's challenging a guy to a fight in a bar. At one point, he almost tackles one of the black sheep against the side of the corral, but it evades him by almost climbing up the side. Who knew sheep were this tricky? "Dude, they're crazy," he tells Alex. When his attempt to shoo the black sheep fails, he declares that he's "gonna start tackling" them. Hee.
Danny and Oswald find the sheep station sign. Thank goodness.
Back to Chris's Adventures With Barnyard Animals, complete with twangy hillbilly music in the background. He, too, happens on the strategy of getting extra sheep into the pen and then getting rid of the excess, as it were. He gets most of the sheep in, and then there's one black sheep left. When he tries to grab it, it squeezes by him at the last minute, leading to much frustration on Boston's part. "You know how much time we're wastin'?" Alex asks, apparently indifferent to whether Chris walks over and pounds him into the ground like a tent stake. In an interview, Chris wryly explains that he told Alex to shut up, because "he was makin' the sheep nervous." He says this with a highly amusing and, I am forced to admit, killer-comic-timing style head waggle that I cannot help appreciating. He finally gets all the black sheep in there, along with a white sheep he must now endeavor to remove. He goes over to the four sheep standing in a wad against the side of the pen, and he -- get this -- taps the white sheep on the shoulder. As was pointed out on the forums, this probably is one of his patented bouncer moves. I bet that's right. This is something he has probably done a million times, right? "You! Out!" Anyway, he taps the sheep, and the sheep ignores him, so he prods it a little, which makes it run out into the middle of the pen, where Chris unsuccessfully tries to push it out through the gate. "Come on, white sheep!" he yells, but to no avail. In his interview, he explains the problem. "One very stubborn white sheep got in there; I didn't like him too much."
Chris goes back to instructing the sheep to leave. "He can't hear you, Chris," Alex says with exasperation. "Dude, white sheep is listening," Chris insists. Ha! Back in the interview, Chris explains his technique: "I was tryin' to be like the Sheep Whisperer. You know, like the Horse Whisperer, but the Sheep Whisperer?" Cut to Chris's Hottie Shot of the race thus far, in which he is breathlessly attempting to move a sheep. I cannot explain it, and it is not my fault it's a hottie shot. Frustrated, he pulls the clue out of his back pocket, reads it, and leaves the perfect beat before saying, "Can't tackle 'em." Oh, my goodness. I will not explain all of the difficulties I encountered during that scene, but I will only tell you that I deeply apologize for being, at times, such an unbelievable cliché. All I can say in my own defense is that he's always had the big arms, and he didn't really begin to be a problem for me until he got funny. So, see, I am all about personality! What a relief.
Danny and Oswald, approaching Sheepland. They spot a telltale red-and-yellow arrow by the side of the road. "Now they give me arrows," Danny says gratefully but with considerable frustration.
Back at The Roadblock Of Alli's Undoing, Chris finally gets the white sheep to leave. "How do you like that, buddy?" he says. I'm not actually sure whether he's talking to the black sheep, the white sheep, or Alex, but it doesn't matter too much. As they run for the pit stop, he explains that sheep now "know not to mess with [him]." They land on the mat. Welcome, you are team number three. And Chris, you are my amusing, neckless boyfriend. I regret this development as much as you do. Probably more. It is your own fault. Your paperwork will arrive shortly.
Danny and Oswald arrive at Sheepland. When they pull the clue, Danny announces that Oswald is doing it, because Danny did all the driving. Cut to Oswald, strolling in the pen, attempting to convince the sheep through politeness and gracious charm that they should do as he asks. "No, honey, come --" A flood of sheep storms by him in the opposite direction from where he wants them to go, and Oswald laughs hysterically. Danny, watching, laughs just as hard. "Okay, I guess I'm gonna have to chase it," he declares, picking up his sheep-chasing stick. "Danny, I hate you," he says, and then snaps at the sheep in Spanish as he takes a run at them and they scatter. (The subtitles make his remark out to be "Little girl, come here or I'll kill you," and from what I can grab, that seems right to me.) He seems to luck into getting the first black sheep into the pen, and then he goes back for the other two. "You! Are not! Moving!" he yells as he lunges at a black sheep that wiggles away at the last minute. More giggling, especially from Danny, who can barely contain himself. As both the other guys eventually did, Oswald winds up urging a whole bunch of sheep into the little pen and then sorting out the white ones. The last white sheep he rids himself of by actually unfastening the back of the pen and letting it out, rather than by pushing it through the gate. Unconventional technique, but effective.
Exhausted, they head for the pit stop. Phil tells them they're in fourth. But they're not eliminated. God, Phil, we know. A happy Cha-Cha-Cha interviews that quite frankly, they didn't expect to get this far (I'm not sure I expected them to, either), so they're already happy. Blake says everyone is very competitive. Chris says it's "dog-eat-dog" (well, he would). Wil says it's every weasel for himself. Oswald says that winning would be, well, "amazing." Alex says anything can happen. The music swells.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Wil and Tara's soap opera continues. There is rappelling down into a deep pit. Paige drives an ATV. One last team is -- gasp! -- eliminated. Chris sends me flowers. (Okay, probably not.)