In Part One of this two-leg evening, Oswald and Danny reinvented the concept of "racing" by proving that sometimes the real time-saver is taking the afternoon off to contribute to the local consumer economy. Gary and Dave put on perhaps the worst display of boat navigation in history not involving Alaskan oil tankers or icebergs, while Boston made like the U.S.S. Constitution. Wil and Tara vacillated about the Fast Forward, eventually leaving it in Hong Kong along with whatever scraps of civility remained between them. Thunk and Boston were back on the bus, y'all, and Chris voiced my opinion of Gary more neatly and accurately than I ever could have. The Aussie cozzie was wasted on Ozzie, but Dave (dog!) dug the doll's duds. The Teeth experimented with a mysterious style of travel in which they got in a cab with no idea of where they were going and feverishly hoped to emerge at the right location, but they were quickly convinced to return to more conventional styles of navigation, such as emergency cell phone calls to local tourist bureaus to plead for assistance. Wil and Blake flubbed the Roadblock after failing to read the directions, because everything they really need to know, they failed to learn in kindergarten. At the non-elimination pit stop, Cha-Cha-Cha came in first, Boston slid into second, Gary and Dave thunked their way into third, Taraweasel squeaked out an avoidance of last place, and Blake and Paige once AGAIN managed to avoid elimination despite richly deserving it after making two potentially fatal errors in the same episode. Now, however, there is no more escaping the inevitable axe -- at the end of this chapter of our story, somebody will be out.
It gets dark in Sydney as our teams rest up for the leg. Phil provides a shiny new "who will be eliminated tonight?" speech, complete with Horns of Perseverance, but there is no second round of credits, so there are no theme song lyrics for me to write. Oh, thank God. I mean...uh, what a bitter disappointment!
8:26 PM. Cha-Cha-Cha tears open the clue, which tells them to get themselves to BridgeClimb. Phil exposits that the clue is at the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, which is, in sophisticated architectural lingo, a big honkin' archy deal. You've seen it in pictures, along with the opera house. (Nice aerial shot.) Owing to the hazardous nature of scaling something of this magnitude, and owing to what is probably a sweet exclusive contract with the city, the only way to climb the bridge and its two hundred stairs is to sign up with a particular company called BridgeClimb. Now that is a business with a specialty. What's even more remarkable is that it appears to occupy a whole big building with its name on it. How can a business that ties people to little safety harnesses so they can walk across a bridge on a bunch of stairs be successful enough to have its own big building? I'm wondering if they do something else, like coach you in actually doing a Spider-Man up the side of the bridge, because I can't believe the stairs alone could pay the rent. Phil goes on to explain that although the teams can't climb until 5:45 in the morning, they have to walk across single-file with a few minutes separating each team, so they do need to hustle over to BridgeClimb and sign up to claim their spot in line.
As Danny and Oswald look for BridgeClimb, Ozzie voices over that after they left Thailand, he and Danny decided that although they've been having a wonderful time on the race and focusing on enjoying it more than anything else, they've now decided to "add an element of competitiveness." He says it casually, like he would say "add a pair of fabulous sunglasses" if he were discussing an outfit. "Before, we didn't really race that much," he says. So, to review: they made the top five, they're currently in first place, and they've really just been trying to have fun. Kinda rips a gaping, yawning maw in the whole "good racing requires desperate intensity and a sour, clipped, ungracious attitude" theory that so many teams embrace, doesn't it?
9:10 PM. Boston. They read the clue for BridgeClimb, but they tell us immediately that they're not doing it -- they're going for the Fast Forward. Their theory is that Danny and Oswald have used their FF already, so if Boston can snag it, they'll wind up well ahead of the pack. In other words, they're using it purely as a lead-building strategy, as opposed to using it for crisis management. It's not a bad idea, but there are four legs left, and with the almost pathological bunching that's been the rule this season, I doubt it will work. I guess if they don't need it to bail them out, they might as well take it to give themselves a rest, but the unbunchable lead will, I suspect, continue to evade them. Now you can probably sit back and watch me be wrong, of course, especially since we're talking about Boston, whose entire function is apparently to throw me into fits of internal conflict.
Welcome to Phil's Phast Phorward Phacts. One per leg, one per team, blah dee blah. "Most advantageous to go for it." As Phil explains it, this particular leg's FF is probably just about the easiest ever, as it involves locating a well-known diner with all kinds of obvious signage, and eating a meat pie. The meat pie doesn't look particularly appetizing, but finding it looks to be about as difficult as finding your local Burger King. Boy, the hike in the first episode of season one was universally described as extremely punishing, and Xerox had to beat a bunch of Brazilians at beach volleyball, and now Boston just has to drive up and eat? Hmph. I suppose Danny only had to take his pants off and jump in a pool, so perhaps it's on par with that. Anyway, they hop in a cab, and they're on their way. I hope they're hungry.
At BridgeClimb, Oswald and Danny sign up for the first time slot in the morning. "Five forty-five...," Danny says as he signs the card. "Oswald and Danny," Oswald finishes proudly. Hee. This is so strange -- Oswald was so close to running dry in Thailand, and now he appears to be having a better time than anyone. They head for a hotel for the night, which makes me wonder whether they're running out of money. They've got to be cash-poor, don't they? By the way, if there's a season, I want tighter budgeting in addition to less bunching.
9:19 PM. Thunk opens the clue. Dave interviews that some of the other teams are experiencing friction (Taraweasel) and screwups of various kinds (the Teeth), so he and Gary have concluded that they are emerging as "one of the stronger teams." Apparently, Dave did not see the most recent episode, in which he and Gary sniped at each other and piloted that boat with all the skill you'd expect from a couple of sleep-deprived chimps. "All we've got to do is maintain our pace, play our own game, and we're going to be fine. We're going to get to the final leg." Yeah, right on, Cheetah.
Cha-Cha-Cha prevails upon the nice hotel staff to let them check their bags with the bellman, fibbing that they just checked out of the hotel and are waiting for a ride. With this, they plunk down in one of the little lobbies and fall asleep. Aside from the firm "tsk, tsk" that I feel compelled to deliver regarding the lying (and I'm always a little more likely to forgive lying in a situation like this where there's really no marginal cost), this is a good thought. Won't cost them anything, and it keeps them out of the rain.
Thunk is second to sign up for the BridgeClimb.
9:59 PM. Taraweasel. ACK! Wil is wearing the Horrible Hat again. He voices over that Tara doesn't really think he's pulling his weight at this point in the race, and that their game has been slipping because he's obsessed with what everybody else is doing, and he thinks she's right. I actually...agree with Wil and Tara! Both! At the same time! Will wonders never cease? As they hop in a cab, we see the first of what will be a series of incidents in this leg in which Wil and Tara discover another crucial difference in their approaches -- she pays attention and asks for what she actually needs, and he doesn't. Here, he just asks the taxi driver for "Cumberland Street," which is where the address is, but if you've ever been in a big city, you know that just finding the street isn't necessarily going to help if you don't know how long it is and you don't get directions to the specific address. (Go into St. Paul and ask where Grand Avenue is, and you could very easily wind up no closer to your destination than you were before.) Tara, on the other hand, provides the necessary context that they're looking for the place where you "do the bridge." I'm betting they're more likely to get where they're going that way.
Alex, in the Boston cab, explains a bit of the Fast Forward intrigue that's suddenly cropped up. In the leg, Tara told Alex that she and Wil were going for the Fast Forward and then they didn't, which "messed up [Boston's] game plan." This time, therefore, Boston opted to "guarantee" themselves the Fast Forward by telling Blake and Paige that they were going to take it, even though they "didn't want to do that to [Wil and Tara]." This didn't make sense to me at first, but I think I get it. Boston gave Blake and Paige the scoop that they were going for the FF so that Blake and Paige wouldn't fight them for it, despite the fact that Blake and Paige wasting time going for it might have been a real help to Wil and Tara in staying out of last place. Here's the other thing, though -- you'll note that Boston is counting on Paige and Blake to be more sure that they have no chance against Boston than Boston is. After all, the boys wouldn't be trying to back Blake and Paige down if they really believed there was no chance the Teeth would beat them out for the Fast Forward -- that's what "guaranteeing it" means. They're still counting on the Teeth to skip it, though, on the assumption that they can't get it if they go up against Boston. These guys really are a little smarter than I originally thought, because as much as I usually don't like intrigue, this is a nice piece of play. Furthermore, as much as I have always argued that you have little to gain in this game from intimidation, if this plan of Boston's were to work, it would mean that anything they've done to convince Blake and Paige that they're invincible would pay off in spades.
10:06 PM. Teeth. Blake says that for them, "this leg is the entire race." A nice sentiment, except that Blake says things like this a lot. He's said repeatedly that the entire race comes down to a particular task, or that everything depends on how they do at this or that Roadblock...he's certainly got a flair for the dramatic, does the Glowtoothed Boy. He also says "all the sacrifices [they've] made have been to prepare for this leg." Sacrifices? Wow, I'm getting all misty-eyed remembering how Paige didn't let him buy as much jewelry as he wanted in Bangkok after he'd already bought himself a pair of sunglasses. Or maybe he's talking about when that guy in the store wouldn't sell him the book. It seems to me all he's given up is the cowboy hat. What ever happened to the cowboy hat, anyway?
Back to the Intrigue portion of our program. In the Teeth's cab, Paige explains that she and Blake are going for the Fast Forward, because -- get this -- Chris told them that he and Alex are going for the Fast Forward, but the Teeth have decided that he was lying. I think Blake and Paige understand that Chris told them that Boston was going for the FF so that the Teeth wouldn't go for it. But because of the Adultery Alliance, Blake and Paige think Boston did this to allow Taraweasel to go for the FF uncontested or to ensure that nobody went for it at all. So Boston's attempt to prevent anyone from competing with them for the Fast Forward has backfired on their northeastern necklessness, because Blake and Paige think Boston is trying to screw them. Ha! Sometimes I just love the Teeth. They come up with such wacko maneuvers when they try to be tricky. They're like the bumbling international spies in a cheesy afternoon movie. Pretty much all that's left now is for Blake to pull a canister of microfilm out of his pants.
At the Fast Forward café, Chris and Alex order their meat pies. They scarf them in about three bites, pausing only to ask for Cokes to wash them down. Alex tries to get Chris to eat faster, which gives the whole thing a lovely Animal House sort of vibe. It also causes Chris to talk with his mouth full, which -- all right, no. I refuse to declare that cute. The Club For Women Who Do Not Find Appallingly Stupid Things Attractive will take away my membership card, and they will never give it back. Anyway, they finally finish eating and collect the clue, which tells them to go to an aboriginal bush camp near a town called Coober Pedy. Phil repeats the info. Can I buy you a drink, Phil? You're clearly not busy. Chris and Alex head for the airport.
Wil and Tara sign in at BridgeClimb, and then they go hunting for a hotel. Thunk, taking a walk in the city, mentions that since they have a few hours to kill, they thought they'd explore the wonderful world of panhandling. No, really. It's funny, but when Blake and Paige lost all their money in the second leg, it didn't seem like a horribly big deal for them to do a little emergency begging, because they appeared to have genuinely no choice. Having said that, I'd hate to see this become a routine way that teams cope with limited funds. In a crisis situation, it doesn't bother me so much, but...it does strike me as a bit distasteful to include it as a basic part of one's strategy. Anyway, they successfully suck some funds from the friendly Aussies. I actually think that like most urban nuisances, Thunk is benefiting from the fact that people will pay for them to go away.
The Teeth approach Harry's Café, and learn that they've indulged in one too many layers of overly inventive smartitude, that Chris was in fact not lying, and that the FF is but a memory. Of course, in this situation, having gone for the FF and missed it isn't nearly as big of a problem as it was for Mary and Peach. All they really risked was their place in line -- which probably would have been the same (last, that is) anyway. In the end, it was a free shot for the Teeth, wacky maneuvering notwithstanding. As they head for BridgeClimb, Paige says that she's a little bit happy they didn't have to eat the meat pie, but Blake is disappointed, and can only hiss, "Damn."
Boston is cabbing it to the airport, and they talk about whether they're sure that nobody else can get the FF. Man, don't they watch this show? How many times has Phil explained this? Why do they think it is that teams have to figure out when it's most advantageous to...oh, never mind. They go inside and ask for a flight to Adelaide. The friendly ticket agent breaks the news that they'll be "overnighting in Melbourne," which they say is fine, as long as that's fastest. Chris voices over that this will get them a couple of hours ahead of everybody -- "This is a real smaaht decision," he says. "We're wicked smaaht. We're from Boston and we're wicked smaaht." Hee! It's not every barrel-chested bouncer who has the balls to channel Casey Affleck. Their flight takes off at 11:06 PM.
Wil and Tara check into a hotel. "Seventy-six per room?" Tara asks, and she's told that's right. Seventy-six per room, not per person. Plus, there's a bathroom! What a great hotel! Your very own bathroom, whee! I bet they give you sheets and towels, too, and your own bar of soap. (I must say that I think in the future, seventy-six per room and seventy-six per person will treat Wil and Tara the same way, if you know what I mean.) On their way up, Wil tries to banter with Tara in the elevator, and when she actually laughs, he beams. Boy, I could almost feel sorry for him if he wasn't, you know, Wil.
The Teeth sign in for the BridgeClimb. Blake makes a comment about getting into his "jammies." Why do I suspect they would have little red choo-choo trains on them?
Gary and Dave sit down to, as Gary says, "count how much [they] fleeced from the people of Sydney." I feel a little ill suddenly. They count their money, and agree that if they don't win, they can make a living as beggars. I suppose that's true, and at least they wouldn't be on television, so they've got my vote. I even promise to give them a quarter when I see them.
Boston lands in Melbourne at 12:40 AM. They're scheduled to make Adelaide at 7:25 in the morning, and they're already studying a map to see where they need to go when they get there. Smarter by the minute, I tell you. "We want this to gain us huge time," Alex says. Hmm, well, beware the bunching, Boston.
3:30 AM. Danny and Oswald, snoozing at the hotel. Gary and Dave, snoozing outside. At 4:30 AM, it starts raining but good, and Blake and Paige get up to move inside. "If it's not one thing, it's freaking another," Blake gripes. Cut to Dave, huddling under an overhang with Gary and telling him that you don't do the climb if it's raining. Blake and Paige find their way inside a building and stretch out on the floor. As was pointed out on the forums, Paige's face winds up about an inch from Blake's ass, which doesn't look like a terribly good idea, but at this point I'm with her that it's good that he didn't eat the big fast-food meat pie, because I think that would make it an even worse idea.
At 5:40, a dry and rested Cha-Cha-Cha emerges from the hotel. "Let's go hike the bridge," Danny says cheerily. "Did it rain?" Oswald asks with enchantingly innocent curiosity. "It looks like we're going to be one of the few teams that are going to be dry," he notes. As Tara and Wil approach, Tara asks in disbelief whether they stayed in the hotel, and they tell her that they did. Gary and Dave are on their way, as are Blake and Paige, who tell us that they're off to see "what the rest of the goofballs are doing." I'm sorry, Blake, but you are in no position to pass judgment on the goofballicity of others, considering some of your past exploits. "I'm sure they'll be pleasant as ever," he groans. Oh, shut up.
At the Sydney Harbour Bridge, Danny and Oswald are the first to suit up at 5:45 AM. The outfit features a gray jumpsuit and some climbing-type stuff, and when Gary and Dave start to put it on, Gary comments that "it looks like you're going to be carted off to a mental institution." Well, he would know. Cha-Cha-Cha ascends the many stairs, getting a lovely view of the opera house in the process. Gary and Dave get on the bridge, followed by Wil and Tara. Wil, who isn't so much a big heights-liking type of guy, says that "this is going to be a doozy." Did he say "doozy"? Wow, Bugs Bunny vocabulary! Everything old really is new again.
Danny and Oswald get across the bridge and are handed a clue wrapped in rain-resistant plastic, which tells them to go to Coober Pedy to "the metal tree." Phil gives the additional detail that they have to fly to Adelaide, where they will pick up one of three charter flights to Coober Pedy. There, they'll grab an SUV and drive to a rather barren-looking...well, metal tree. You'll know the metal tree when you see it, because it's located to The Big Winch, which Phil tells us is a "local landmark." I originally thought he said "Big Witch," which I think would make a funnier local landmark, with the pointy hat and the broomstick and everything. A lot more people would go to see that than to see a winch, am I right?
The Teeth take to the bridge. Gary and Dave get the metal tree clue.
At the Melbourne airport, Chris and Alex have just scored their flight to Adelaide. Chris: "I think we're going to the outback, do a little hangin' out, do a little dancin' around fires..." He now does his rather brilliant didgeridoo imitation, and says he "always wanted to play that instrument...I was a tuba man myself." Stop it, Chris! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Enough with the cute, already. Like I don't despise myself enough as it is. Anyway, they get a 6:10 AM flight from Melbourne to Adelaide.
Cha-Cha-Cha heads from the bridge to the airport. In their cab, Oswald says, "You wouldn't happen to have a cell phone with you, would you?" The cabbie hands it over. Ah, the kindness of strangers. "Thank you very much," Ozzie says.
Taraweasel climbing the bridge. Wil comments that conquering his fear of heights was "a great experience, looking out and seeing the opera house," which is very humorously juxtaposed with a shot of him walking resolutely up the stairs, most definitely not taking his eyes off the stairs to look out at the scenery, including the opera house, lest he suddenly start thinking about falling to his death or dangling from the bridge by his safety harness or something of that sort. My love affair with the funny, funny editors continues.
In the Cha-Cab, Oswald tries to arrange a flight to Adelaide, starting out with, "Yes, hello, good morning," just as he always does. Not only does he get the flight arranged, but he finds out exactly what gate they're departing from once they make their way to the airport. They've arranged a 7:10 AM flight, but they need to speed along the taxi in order to make it. They're fairly sheepish about asking the driver to hurry up, which is quite a contrast from the teams that have been screaming at their drivers incessantly for seven or eight episodes. Gary and Dave grab a cab for the airport as well.
The Teeth finish up at the bridge, and Paige voices over that they just needed to try not to make any mistakes, and not to worry about the fact that they're in last place. Meanwhile, Tara and Wil get a taxi, and Wil rather dimly tries to tell the driver about Coober Pedy, which is of course completely irrelevant at this point. It's like telling the lady who sells you a plane ticket the address of the house you're staying at on the other end -- doesn't care, doesn't need to know. "No, no, no, we need to get to the airport," Tara points out, "to go to Adelaide." Right on, Bony. In case you haven't noticed, Wil is getting really fuzzy-headed as he becomes more and more exhausted. In the cab, Tara praises him for having climbed the bridge in spite of his crippling fear of heights, and he beams some more, much as he did back at the hotel when she laughed at his joke. This is so weird -- if he likes her this much, why is he so damn mean? God, men are mystifying.
Cha-Cha-Cha gets to the airport, goes right to good old gate seventeen, and makes the 7:10 AM flight. Thunk gets to the Sydney airport , and the agent tells them that the flight to Adelaide is at 8:10 AM. As Tara and Wil bail out of their cab, he runs immediately inside, but she does take a second to call over her shoulder to the driver, "Thank you!" Sigh. I honestly think if she were playing with somebody else, Tara would probably be okay with me. I think Dave and Tara should have left Gary and Wil at home. This race would look completely different if they had. At any rate, they land the 8:10 AM flight as well. When the Teeth show up, however, their luck has temporarily run out yet again, because they can only get standby for the 8:10 flight. Blake gets on the phone and tries to find out whether they can get to Adelaide on any other flight, but they seem to be fresh out of miracles. They despair.
Commercials. You know, if there's anything on TV right now that's funnier than when that Saturn lady tells the guy he has corn in his goatee, I haven't seen it.
Boston's flight lands in Adelaide at 7:25 AM. The step is to get to the National Jet Systems terminal to catch the charter. It's interesting that Chris and Alex won the FF, but they still have to wait for one of these charters, which shaves a considerable chunk of time off the lead they would otherwise have had. Something about it doesn't seem entirely fair, but I guess it's just another miscellaneous bump in the road. The charters, as Phil explains, leave only fifteen minutes apart, and each can hold up to two teams. Unfortunately, the first one doesn't leave until 1:00 PM, so presumably everybody else is going to catch Boston at this point. Of course, they won't have to do the rest of the outback tasks, but still...I'm sure this was disappointing. Alex is thinking smart, though, and since they have several hours before their plane leaves, he takes Chris to get tourist information about Coober Pedy. I'm telling you, these guys race more like Esquire and Danza and our other past successful teams every day.
Back in Sydney, the Teeth are waiting for the news on whether they're going to get seats on the 8:10 flight. Just when it looks like they won't, they do, so they're bunched with Taraweasel and Thunk. Meanwhile, Cha-Cha-Cha is already landing in Adelaide, hoping that they can keep their lead by catching a charter fairly soon. Sigh, not.
Chris and Alex find their way to the South Australian Visitor and Travel Centre, where they ask for some info about where they're going. "Okay, no worries," the cute blonde working the counter says to them. "She's a little hottie," Chris comments while she's off looking for a map for them. (I'm supposed to be officially offended by that, right? I'll work on it.) When she gets back, Alex offers her a chance to try his glasses on, and she declines. "You don't think I'm funny at all, do you?" he asks with a grin. You know, somewhere along the line, these guys have flipped some kind of a switch, because I suddenly find this whole frat-boy come-on thing much funnier and less off-putting than I used to. Maybe it's all relative, and as I run out of teams I like, I become more desperate in the search for alternatives, but I think that at this point, if Danny and Oswald can't win, I'm going to have to go with Boston. There, I said it.
Speaking of Cha-Cha-Cha, they arrive at the cha-cha-charter terminal and get the news that they aren't leaving until 1:00 PM. They're on the same plane as Boston. Meanwhile, back at the Adelaide airport, Tara and Wil are running, and Thunk and the Teeth are right behind them. The teams now take very different approaches to finding the National Jet Systems terminal. Tara asks at the Qantas counter, and holds Wil back when he starts in about what a hurry they're in to get to Coober Pedy -- once again, no one cares, Wil. Tara correctly points out that right now, all they need is the right terminal. Gary and Dave seek help from an information guy, who tells them they can just call up NJS and ask where the terminal is. Blake and Paige just sort of start to wander around looking for it. Wil tries to tell the Qantas guy what a hurry they're in. Down, Wil! Tara tells him to shut up. Gary and Dave are told that they'll need to go to the NJS terminal to find out what the story is. The Teeth grab a cab. Gary doesn't want to listen to the guy who's trying to help him, and he just keeps telling the guy to point him to the NJS terminal. I think that's what the guy is trying to do, not that Gary is listening.
Wandering, looking, cabs...it's a race for the terminal now. Keep in mind that the first two of these three teams will presumably be on a charter fifteen minutes behind Cha-Cha-Cha (Boston will get to go right to the pit stop, so they're sort of out of the equation), and the last one will be fifteen minutes behind those two and half an hour behind Cha-Cha-Cha.
Tara and Wil find the terminal first. Blake and Paige find a terminal, but it's not the right one. Now it's between Thunk and the Teeth for the second spot on the charter with Taraweasel. They both run for it, but Blake and Paige slip in just ahead. When Thunk shows up, Tara teases them that they're "last out of the airport." "Don't be evil like that," Oswald scolds. She doesn't let up, though. "Gary, you're not looking so good over there! Feeling the burn?" Good grief, Tara, would you put a sock in it already? As Gary mentions, fifteen minutes at this point really shouldn't be the end of them anyway.
Outside, Alex, in his cool-ass shades, is telling Wil about the tourist place where they went to get their information. Tara and Wil go there, while Gary, Blake, and Oswald work the phones to find out what they can ahead of time about Coober Pedy. "I thought you were the Big Wench," Wil says, to an unamused face from Tara. Raise your hand if you saw that one coming. Well, actually, no -- raise your hand if you didn't see it coming. Those hands will be a lot quicker to count.
Boston and Cha-Cha-Cha board their little plane, and then Taraweasel and the Teeth board theirs. They take a fair amount of delight (particularly Wil) in noting Gary's great unhappiness at being stuck on the last flight. I'm not sure these people like Gary very much. In other news, starting with the joint Roadblock screwup in the leg, the Blake/Wil animosity seems to have dried up, or at least cooled down, or perhaps just been redirected toward Thunk. "We broke 'em, we broke 'em," Tara sings. Oh, nice. Their flight takes off.
Finally, Thunk gets on their flight. "All we have to do is not slip up, which for us is near impossible," Dave laments with what should be, for him, alarming accuracy. The Amazing Yellow Line progresses from Adelaide to Coober Pedy. We get a few scattery aerial shots, followed by the first charter landing at 2:45 PM. Boston and Cha-Cha-Cha pile out. Apparently, it's rather hot in Coober Pedy, because they all immediately start looking like they're going to melt into puddles. Alex takes the position that it felt like it was a hundred and fifty degrees, but Chris counters that it actually was a hundred and fifty degrees. "I've never been in weather this tough before in my life," Alex says. Both teams hop in their SUVs, with Oswald reminding himself and Danny of the rather small size of their lead. Now, Cha-Cha-Cha has to head for the metal tree, but you'll recall that Boston is traveling on the FF ticket, so they get to head directly for the bush camp pit stop. Chris and Alex, incidentally, have picked up some really, really hideous green hats, which I'm sure are quite functional, but which are in fact even uglier than the Hating-Hats. They're like the Hating-Hats, only in a gruesome olive shade and significantly floppier, and neither of those adjustments is any kind of improvement.
Danny and Oswald keep an eye out for the Big Winch.
At 3:00 PM, the second charter lands. In an interview, Tara expresses her feelings about the weather thusly: "Hotter than a well-digger's ass in Texas." I have to think she could have done better than that, but her point is taken. She and Wil and the Teeth take off in their SUVs, just as Cha-Cha-Cha pulls up to the Big Winch which, helpfully enough, carries a sign that says, "THE BIG WINCH." Not exactly what I was expecting, but apparently it really is a local landmark. They run up past the winch and find the metal tree. "I see the thing!" Oswald calls helpfully. They pull the clue, which is this week's Detour.
Detour, two tasks, flappety yap. This week's is Cool Down or Heat Up, a Detour that is basically a Tortoise/Hare. The Hare is playing three holes of golf at a very steamy course (up to a hundred thirty degrees, Phil says -- man, is that possible?), and the Tortoise is going down in an opal mine and finding an opal. Presumably, you'll find the opal if you look long enough, and you could even get lucky and get out quickly, which is what makes the Detour a little unconventional. There is also the added factor that the mine is cool, which is likely to appeal to these people who have been slogging along in the high heat for this last stretch. Incidentally, Phil specifically says that they need to find the opal in a pile of dirt, so presumably, the producers know that there are opals in there to be found. When they find the opal, they're supposed to bring it to a burly-looking miner-type, who will verify its opal-icity, and send them on their way. In the golf task, there is also an added layer of difficulty because the holes and tees don't match up in an obvious way, so you have to use a map to make sure you're playing the course properly. I like this Detour, because it's harder to figure than the "do this," "do that" clues I've been griping about for the last several weeks. Complication is a good thing.
Drunken cameramen whet your appetite for the opal mine, and Cha-Cha-Cha decides that's the way to go. Oswald even thinks he saw it on the map. Go, Oswald!
Thunk's charter lands at 3:15. Dave comments that the driving-through-the-outback portion of the leg should favor them, because they tend to do well at driving. I would actually go along with that, given their past performance. They're hoping somebody else screws up. Meanwhile, Wil and Tara find the Winch. They pull the Detour and decide on the mine, because they have no interest in golfing.
The Teeth are a bit lost. "I don't want to make a fatal error," Blake intones gravely. Thank you, Blake, for practically providing your own melodramatic Phil-over.
It appears that Gary and Dave have indeed made up some time on Tara and Wil, because the teams pass each other going in opposite directions as Tara and the Weasel leave the Big Winch and Gary and Dave approach. The Teeth make it to the Detour , and they're all over the golf. Their explanation is that "if anything would make [their] dad happy, it would be to see [them] play golf." Really? They've run around Thailand, they've hang-glided, they've washed an elephant, they've toured a South African township...and what their dad really would like to see them do is play golf? All righty, then.
Thunk finds the metal tree. Gary says he doesn't know anything about playing golf, so Dave grabs the mining stuff. "Mines," he says simply.
Here's Boston, pulling up to the pit stop. They follow a marked series of flags, and after the departure of a large and ominous bird that may or may not be fantasizing about picking clean their musclebound carcasses, they make it to the mat. Not only do they get smeared with war paint and congratulated on being in first place, they learn that by winning the leg, they've won a vacation to Cancun, courtesy of American Airlines, the Official Airline of Everything Pretty, Shiny, and Doggone Functional.
Danny and Oswald, with Oswald already in his mining jumpsuit and hard hat, find the flag to enter the mine. "I look so cool in this, it's not even funny," Ozzie says. "Definitely an adventure," Danny says as they pack him into what is presumably a pretty damn hot suit and pair of gloves. Oswald descends into the mine first, and as Danny comes down the ladder, Oswald calls out to him. "Hello, miner boy!" Then, he adds, "They're meant to dress us up like the Village People everywhere we go." Hee! Now they have to navigate the mine and find the pile of dirt and the shovels.
In the Taraweasel SUV, Wil wonders whether the golf might be easier, but as Tara correctly points out, they don't really want to change direction now. Back at the mine, Cha-Cha-Cha wanders down a series of tunnels, looking for the dirt pile. Eek! Tara and Wil are just outside, suiting up and heading down into the hole. As Tara gets cinched into a piece of safety equipment, she yowls in discomfort, and comments that perhaps she won't be having any kids after all. Down in the mine, Danny and Oswald appear to be going in circles. Oh, noooo!
Commercials. If I buy a Dell computer, can that kid stop talking to me and get a real job?
Mine. Danny and Oswald are still searching as Tara climbs down, followed by the Weasel. Finally, Cha-Cha-Cha finds the rock pile and digs in with their shovels. The idea is that you shovel some stuff into a little pan, and then you shake the pan and look for an opal. "Dios mio," Oswald groans as they dig in. As Taraweasel searches for the rock pile, Danny and Oswald quickly figure out that the whole hunting-an-opal thing isn't going to be easy. Tara and Wil locate the rock pile, and join Danny and Oswald in the hunt. When Tara asks Danny whether the thing she has might be an opal, Danny tells her no, she should be looking for something green. Eeps, why is he helping her? Self-preservation is the name of the game, Danny! Let her waste her time on a few pointless rocks! At any rate, she comments that it's going to take her and Wil a lot longer to find an opal if he stands there like a fool, which is what he's currently doing.
The Teeth are on their way to the golf course. Blake reads her the rules -- they have to alternate shots, and they only get one ball, so they'd better not lose it. As they find the course, Blake says that he thinks this could be their big break, since they actually know how to play golf.
Gary and Dave arrive at the mine. They gripe about the weather and the overalls, but they keep moving, and at this point, they're really doing all right.
Blake and Paige tee off at what the subtitle tells us is the "Tee for Hole #4." They take a few putts and finally sink it. Woo-hoo! But the subtitle says, "Hole #1." D'oh! The umpire gives them the bad news.
Back at the mine, Wil gives the word that he's found an opal. "These are definitely them," he says. They run out of the mine and over to the burly opal-checker, just as Thunk enters the mine. Burly shakes his head at their faux-pal, and even though Tara protests, there's no changing the verdict. As they head back to the mine, Wil complains some more. "Why are we doing this one? I'm not a miner!" "Yeah, I know, you're an idiot!" Tara replies. Meanwhile, Danny thinks he might have an opal as well. He's not sure, but he thinks they have to go and see, probably in part because Wil and Tara just took off with something that didn't look all that opal-icious, so Danny is wondering whether the opals are going to turn out not to be as obvious as he's thinking they should be. Gary and Dave pass Cha-Cha-Cha as they go to find the rock pile.
Golf. Blake and Paige tee off again at the Tee for Hole #4. Smack, putt, putt, sink. Woo-hoo! D'oh! It's Hole #2. Oh, dear. "This is a nightmare, Blake," Paige says. She says that they need a nice short hole to play, probably in part so they don't get lost along the way.
Danny and Oswald greet the burly miner with the not-too-auspicious opening line, "Don't laugh at us." They hand over their specimen, and he shakes his head. Not an opal. "What is that?" Danny asks. "A rock," replies Burly. Heh.
Golf, part trois. This time, the Teeth tee off from Tee #6, and manage to locate Hole #6. Thank goodness -- I was beginning to think this was turning into Putting for Godot. Blake tells her he's pretty sure the golf is faster than the mining, even though they've screwed it up. He's probably right -- this reminds me a little bit of Esquire pointing out last season that getting their asses thoroughly kicked by Spanky the eight-year-old ping-pong prodigy, while humiliating and hard on the ego, only took about five minutes. I suspect that the kind of kamikaze golf that the Teeth have been playing is only taking them a few minutes per hole, so this delay is probably not all that extreme.
The miners are growing weary. "This is a pain in the ass," Danny says, and Oswald gravely replies, "Danny, we're never going to finish." Gary, for some reason, isn't digging in the pile of rocks, but is whacking away at the wall of the mine with his shovel. He's quite the clever one, no?
Blake tees off for Hole #3. Whack, putt, putt -- score! Hole #3.
Meanwhile, back in the mine, Gary is complaining (and complaining and complaining) about the task. "I feel like we're no closer to getting this than when we started," he says, which I have to think is partly because he and Dave are smacking the damn walls instead of sifting through the pile of rocks like they're supposed to. Furthermore, that's how a task like this works. It doesn't go incrementally. You have to show patience, and then you suddenly find your opal. Gary suggests they change tracks and go do the golf. "How hard can it be?" he wonders.
Speaking of golf, the Teeth tee off for their old friend, Hole #1. Paige's initial shot is a monster, and it puts them directly on the green...which isn't green, of course, given the terrain, but the idea is the important thing. One little putt, and they're there. Finally, they've completed Golf for Madmen, and they can take off. They're actually the first to get out of the Detour, and first to get the clue that tells them to go to Lookout 2 at the Breakaways National Park. Phil explains that the park is twenty-nine miles away, and we finally get the shot you know they've been waiting to provide, which is a series of kangaroos hopping across the landscape.
Oswald declares that he is "on a personal mission" to find the opal, but it seems to be Danny that comes up with it. "This is a hundred percent it," he says confidently. They run out to Burly, with an apparently re-energized Oswald actually running out ahead, which I take as a very good sign. Burly: "Beauty." Oswald pats him on the shoulder, and they're done with the mining. Yay! Wil and Tara discuss their progress. Wil seems to think the golfing would have been better, but she's not so sure, and she thinks they just should keep looking. Elsewhere, Gary begins to lobby Dave to change tasks. "At least with the golfing, we have a sense of progress. We could be here forever." Dave hesitates. "You think so?" "Yes," Gary says emphatically. "Really, is that the move?" Dave asks. "These guys have looked for forty-five minutes. They've looked thirty minutes longer than us," Gary says. Of course, that's sort of irrelevant, given that either team could now find an opal at any time, particularly if Gary and Dave would (1) look in the pile of rocks, rather than smack the walls; and (2) start looking and stop talking about looking. They give up and head for the golf. When they're gone, Wil starts bitching. "You sure you don't want to do the golf?" he asks. Tara talks him down. I hope he thanked her later. He doesn't thank her now, of course. He says, "I think this is really stupid."
Dave has misgivings in the SUV about changing to golf. "You've never golfed in your life," he says to Gary. Back at the mine, Tara and Wil continue to look.
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"It's all up to dreams and fate now, Gary," Dave says as they drive back to the metal tree to take the golf clubs. "Why didn't we just go golfing half an hour ago?"
Meanwhile, Cha-Cha-Cha hunts heads for the Breakaways. Back in the mine, Tara finally finds the opal. She takes it to Burly, who tells her, "Banzai." They pick up the clue. Now they, Cha-Cha-Cha, and the Teeth are all on their way to the Lookout 2 marker. In the Teeth SUV, Blake comments that Paige's last golf shot "really might have saved us the race." "Well, you gotta do what you gotta do," she says with a smile.
Thunk gets back to the metal tree and takes the golf clubs. "Let's do this, let's do this!" Dave says, trying to rally. I have a feeling he knows they're screwed.
Wil and Tara head for Lookout 2. He congratulates her on her opal-finding: "Good job spotting that, Tara." "Good job being an idiot again today," she replies. Now come on, when he failed to give her "props" before, she complained, and now that he does it, she comes back with that? Even weasels deserve a small chance at redeeming themselves, you know.
Cha-Cha-Cha's hunt for the park is going a little less smoothly. They find an information center and ask directions, but I think they're bleeding a little time. The Teeth, meanwhile, bicker a little about the road signs, but they keep going after Paige convinces Blake that she knows what she saw.
Thunk arrives at the golf course. "This sucks," Dave says simply. "No, no, this is fine. This is good. It's better than the mining," Gary insists. Not. Furthermore, when they take out the clubs, Dave unhappily points out that he's left-handed (Gary doesn't know this?), and the clubs are all righty. Oops. That seems kinda unfair, actually. In the end, I don't think it mattered a whit, but it does seem unfair. They complete the first hole, though, without getting the tee/hole combination wrong, so they're a step ahead of where they could be, anyway.
The Teeth reach the clue, which is the Roadblock. This week's Roadblock requires that one of the team members successfully throw a boomerang from inside a marked circle and get it to come back and land inside the circle. You can throw as many times as necessary, and you get a little instruction, but if another team shows up, you have to take turns. Paige agrees to do it.
Arid golf. Thunk completes another hole.
Cha-Cha-Cha notices that as they head for the Roadblock flag, Taraweasel is actually ahead of them, so they did indeed bleed some time on the driving. Meanwhile, up at the boomerang Roadblock, Paige is told to concentrate on snapping her wrist when she throws. Taraweasel and Cha-Cha-Cha hop out of their SUVs and head for the Roadblock.
"Throw it a little higher!" Blake kibitzes as Paige tries to concentrate. "With maybe a little more force, Paige! Don't flick it with your wrist, really throw it!" Paige: "He told me to flick with the wrist!" Blake: [weakly] "Okay." Ha! Blake: King Of Questionable Advice. The two other teams approach, with Oswald throwing his backpack down the steep hill after determining that that's easier than climbing down with it on. Tara and Oswald take the Roadblock.
More from Pebble Beach, where Gary and Dave complete the last hole and leave, after a hearty farewell from Golf Course Guy.
Back at the boomerang, Tara's first attempt is a little weak, and then Oswald takes over. "What are you doing!?" Wil yells. "I don't get to go, Wil, just leave me alone!" she yells back. Ack. Danny thinks Oswald might be throwing a little too hard. "We're gonna be here forever," Oswald frets. Boomeranging ensues. Paige? No. Tara? No. Oswald? No. Paige, Tara, Oswald? No, no, no. "Why does it keep going towards the tree?" Ozzie wonders. "If Itchy and Scratchy catch you guys," Wil complains, and Blake finishes, "We're going to kill you all." Again, get the joviality between Wil and Blake. The hell?
Dave and Gary make their way toward the park. "Everybody waves as they go by," Dave remarks. "Is that right? Why?" Gary asks. "Because we're in Coober Pedy. There's only twelve people in town." See that? Dave is effortlessly funnier than Gary is, no matter how laboriously he toils.
Boomerangville. Paige throws another loser. Tara steps up. "Ask that guy to give you more instruction!" Wil bitches. "I'm gonna ask that guy to make you shut up in a second," Tara comes back. Over in the peanut gallery, Wil is not amused, but Danny is a bit amused, and Blake is extremely amused. Tara's shot is a loser, and so is Oswald's. And then Paige steps up and throws it, and glory, hallelujah, it comes back and lands in the circle, to a comically overblown musical cue. She and Blake grab the clue, which sends them on a short walk to the pit stop mat. They get there, and Phil tells them they're team number two. TEAM NUMBER TWO. Did you notice how these people played since the last elimination point? They screwed up the first Roadblock, they screwed around at the second Detour, they drove all over God's green earth looking for Murray House, they had to fly standby on the absolutely last flight they had any chance of using to get out of Sydney, they completely misread the signals from another team and therefore they went for the Fast Forward when it was already claimed...man, if you ever want proof that there is too damn much bunching this season, just look at how really, really hard the Teeth tried to get eliminated this week, to no avail. Last season really did generally reward good play, but this is just...there's too much bunching and too much luck and too much randomness in the equation, and it's really annoying me. Blake says Paige is his "freaking hero." Whatever.
Tara's boomerang toss is close, but no cigar. Oswald prepares to throw, and she says to him, "You're limp-wristed, too!" Oswald: "Shut up, bitch." Ha! Oh, come on, that was funny. You can totally hear a chuckle at the beginning of Oswald's retort, and then she laughs at being called a bitch, so the entire exchange suggests to me that nobody took offense. I mean, you obviously can't say that to someone you don't know, but I would completely believe this is the kind of joke you could make to Oswald with no difficulty at all, because given the way he talks about being "really, really butch," I hardly think he's going to be wounded. You also have to remember that back in the early days of ChaTaGaDa, these teams did spend a fair amount of time together, so I can believe they've got the foundation for her to make that crack without it being any sort of a deal.
Gary and Dave, approaching the Roadblock.
Tara is setting up to throw again. "This is the shot right here," Wil says. "I can feel it." And, unless it's edited funny (which is always possible), he's right, and she gets it in the circle by about an inch. They grab the clue and scoot, and now it's just Cha-Cha-Cha, trying to finish the Roadblock. "Just focus," Danny tells him. Oswald: "Danny, we're gonna be here forever." Hey, none of that with the bad attitude. "Don't say that, you're doing fine," Danny says. "I couldn't have done any better." Interesting, isn't it, that Oswald said it as if he was complaining about the task, and Danny responds to what he thinks Oswald is actually doing, which is feeling bad for being no good at it. That's friends for you, right there.
Wil and Tara head down the hill, with him toting her pack. She finally takes it back from him, and they run for it. They land on the mat and they get their paint, and Phil tells them they're in third. "I'm mad again today," she says. "What are you mad about?" Wil asks. "You quit, like, ten times in the mine," she grouses. Wil tries to be cute in saying that he's "just not cut out for mining." Do I really need to say that he doesn't achieve cute?
Gary and Dave spot the Roadblock flag. Nooooo!
Oswald finally gets the boomerang to drop. Woo! They leave for the pit stop as Gary and Dave head down. When Cha-Cha-Cha lands on the mat and the greeter touches their faces with paint, Danny says, "Is that M.A.C.? Just checking." Hee! They laugh. Phil tells them they're fourth. They're quite relieved. "This is one time when my limp wrist didn't work," Oswald says. See? Not only was he not offended by Tara's comment, but there he is, trying to steal her joke! Joke-stealer. But I still love him. They're happy that they're not eliminated, but fourth place seems like quite the rip-off after the extremely good job they did, particularly in the non-elimination leg.
Gary and Dave at the boomerang circle. Gary takes it. Throw. Throw. Dave: "We've only got about three more hours of daylight." Snerk. Throw. Score! They head for the pit stop. They are Phil-iminated, and not a minute too soon for me. (Okay, maybe Dave was eliminated a minute too soon and Gary a minute too late, which means that it all works out perfectly.) Gary, not content to have me dislike him for his pre-elimination behavior, launches into one more elaborate routine. He and Phil have had some good times, blah dee blah, give him one more chance, blah dee blah, Phil says no, blah dee blah. He and Dave clap each other on the back. "I'm proud of you," Dave says. "I'm never going to speak to you again, but..." Heh. They interview that it was a great experience and so forth, and they'll never forget it, and then Gary says that after he has "a good cry," he'll "pick up the remote and [his] life will start over again." Okay, bye, Gary! He continues talking about how he intends to invest some time in "blaming," starting with Dave, and including the gods, the fates, and the other contestants. Yeah, so, bye, Gary! Back at the mat, he asks Phil whether this is really the end. Phil says yes, as soon as they step off the mat. Right. Anyway, bye, Gary! Gary doesn't want to step off the mat. He and Dave shove each other off. BYE, GARY! Man, you can almost see the thought bubble over Phil's head that says, "I've had athlete's foot that was easier to get rid of."
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: New Zealand, home of Phil. Chris and Oswald play with sheep. Wil has to be up high some more, heh. Only four legs left, folks, so hang on to your Hating-Hat.