Previously on Racer? I Hardly Even Know 'Er!: the exhausted population of Thailand, led by its taxi drivers' union, gently told Bruckheimer and Van Munster that they couldn't stay in town forever, so the teams headed for Hong Kong. A good ferry was hard to find, and a bad cup of tea was even harder. Wil and Tara bickered incessantly, which came as a genuine shock to the segment of the viewing audience that had spent the last six weeks watching something else. Tara plunked her fanny on Chris's knee, but it was Alex's lap that was in her heart. (Schematic anatomical diagram not included.) Gary and Dave yelled at each other about plane reservations, but they bagged on the first task, snagged the Fast Forward, tagged the pit stop first, and bragged that they are now in possession of "the big mo'." Meanwhile, after she and Mary made a couple of critical mistakes, Peach hit the wall and couldn't go any farther, so the sisters were sadly Phil-iminated, and they didn't even get to make use of their cute little hard hats. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Credits. Turn to page 108 of your hymnals: "Blake! And! Paige! Their teeth are all! The! Rage! And Wil and Ta-ra fight! Here every Wed-nesday night! Ga-ry's jokes! Can fall and crush! Old! Folks! But Dave's all right!...Alex...and Chris...which one...is this?...Dan-ny...doesn't smell! Oswald is clean! As! Well! Cha-Cha-Cha! [BOMP.]"
Commercials. I am so sick of Spider-Man already, with the web and the wrists and the evil counterpart and the red-haired one-dimensional cartoon girlfriend and the full head mask...I mean, the movie isn't even out yet, and already he's selling me cellular phone service? Help me, Obi-Wan, you're my only hope.
The drunken cameramen are apparently on suspension for their misdeeds, because a surprisingly serene set of establishing shots settle us softly in bustling Hong Kong, which Phil and his all-black attire inform us is a large city indeed. The teams are parked on a Chinese junk in the harbor, and we are not really treated to much of an Eat, Sleep, and Mingle segment this week. Perhaps space was tight and they've thus been dangling from the sides of the boat from ropes during the pit stop, which would leave little time for socializing. We don't even get a random shot of shirtless Blake, although we do get a bizarre glimpse of Tara sticking her tongue out. Man, society really is in a downward spiral. At any rate, in case you don't recall it from one of the twenty consecutive episodes in which this has been explained to you, Phil would like you to know that the teams have no idea what's in store for them, and they will have to figure out the route markers, blah blah blah. They've tweaked the visuals on this segment for some reason, and now when Phil says "route marker" right before the Exposition Hands appear, we just see a billowing standard yellow-and-red flag instead of the annoying split-screen, MTV-circa-1987 effect they've been using where one flag divides itself into three. Maybe these subtle changes are an effort to keep me on my toes -- all relationships need occasional spicing up, you know, or I'll start cheating on Bruckheimer with Bernie Mac. Well, actually, I won't, but the point is that I could. Hey, where was I again? Oh, right. Phil wonders aloud whether Oswald and Danny's isolation strategy will work, and he frets about the future of the Adultery Alliance.
4:11 AM. Team Thunk is first out of the gate this week. Dave is wearing the "D" knit hat, but Gary is going without the "G." It seems to me that those hats really only work in a pair, but...whatever. The clue tells them to get a little boat back to shore, and then find their way to Repulse Bay, where there is a big statue of Tien-Hou, the goddess of the sea, which isn't accessible until 8:00 AM. Phil Phils in the blanks for us, including the requirement that they have to take a public bus. As Thunk heads for shore, Gary voices over that he and Dave have used up their Fast Forward as well as all their brain power. Even he admits this is frightening in terms of future prospects, although it occurs to me that it's also one of those shrug-inspiring exhaustion-of-a-limited-supply issues, like finding out that the DMV has used up its annual allotment of party hats. Once they make it to shore, Gary Whiny-Pants gripes out loud that their "lead has been destroyed by the luck of the clue." Good grief. I mean, yes, it's true that their lead was destroyed, but Fast Forward leads have historically been eliminated relatively quickly -- the FF has not, thus far, proved to be any kind of permanent advantage, and they should know that by now. It's a way to avoid elimination by skipping tasks on a particular day, either because you're injured or worn out (as Cha-Cha-Cha was when they took theirs), or because you have trouble with the clue (as Thunk themselves did last week). So, compared to the situations other teams have encountered, this really isn't particularly unlucky, not that I expect him to change his behavior or anything. When they get ashore, Gary voices over that he doesn't feel confident either looking in the mirror or looking at Dave, so he's "operating out of fear." Which is a great mind-set, except for the "great" part. They get directions from a taxi driver to the bus station, but when they walk up, there seems to be no one there. Of course, it is about 4:15 in the morning, Gary, so whom exactly were you hoping to see? Who takes the bus at 4:15 AM?
5:43 AM. Boston. They open the clue, and take their hundred bucks. "Let's get it on," one of them says. Chris, in super close-up in an interview, says that they're just going to try to have a good leg, and nobody is going to beat them once they take off, because "once we get on the road, Alex and [Chris] are going to smoke everybody's butts." Interesting visual, and perhaps just another situation in which lighting up isn't your best bet. Furthermore, as a general matter, Chris needs to get over his unhealthy fixation on the hind quarters of others, considering that pretty much every week, he is concentrating on kicking, beating, smoking, or otherwise engaging everyone else's butts. Back off, Chris. On the other hand, um...here's the bigger problem: in this particular interview? In this particular close-up? In this particular lighting, and with no hat? Um...yeah. Chris. Like, as in, "Mmm, Chris." I know. This is very, very unsettling. They hop on the boat and head for the shore, and I take two aspirin, hoping that this, too, shall pass.
Thunk is at the bus station, but not much is afoot there yet. They need a bus to Repulse Bay (is it actually "Repulse Bay"?), and Dave is carefully counting out their money. They have to wait a while for the bus, because the first one doesn't go until 6:00 AM, so they stretch out on what looks like some cold and uncomfortable pavement.
5:50 AM. Taraweasel, really starting to look dirty and stanky. Wil voices over about his own bad attitude, pointing out that the "race creates a lot of anxiety...it creates a lot of anger." Well, the race creates anxiety. Acting like a dick creates anger. Anyway, Wil sees his entire obnoxious, self-centered routine as a simple and healthy manifestation of the fact that he wants to win the money. Are you shocked? Me, too. In other news related to Wil's attitude, as well as the general information category of Past Resolutions Made and Quickly Abandoned, guess what happens as soon as Wil gets on the little boat to shore? You guessed it. "Go, go, go, go, go," he weasels to the boat pilot, as Tara looks on in total disgust. When they're on land, they ask a guy for directions, and he tells them that any number six bus can take them to the bay. As they walk, they discuss the Fast Forward, and Wil's theory that they should take it if they can make the timing work out as far as when flights leave and so forth.
As they discuss the Fast Forward, Phil exposits on the matter of the FFFundamentals. He intones, among other things on which I can't concentrate, my favorite Phil-ism, which you will remember is, "most advantageous to go for it." Hee. Phil has also finally abandoned his recent black-on-black fashion statement, and is back to one of his serene blue button-downs and khakis. Great googly-mooglies, Phil is a cutie. It's an easy thing to overlook, but...that would be wrong.
Anyway, this week's Fast Forward requires you to motivate yourself to the Po Lin monastery, where you climb 268 steps to Hong Kong's biggest Buddha, and then you pick up another clue. Taraweasel discuss whether to do the FF or not, and eventually, they seem to settle on not doing it, although the conversation is very hard to follow. Wil seems at first to lean toward the FF, saying, "I just hope Alex and Chris don't do it," but then Tara says, "Let's just take the bus, and not use our Fast Forward." For one of the first times ever, I found this sequence weirdly edited so that it was really hard to figure out what they were talking about, partly because both the regular task and the FF involve statues, so when people refer to looking for "the statue," it's hard to guess at what they're talking about. Yes, I know. I'm overthinking.
Cut to Alex and Chris, on their way to the bus and not at all using their Fast Forward. As they arrive at a bus stop (not, apparently, the bus station where Thunk went), they ask their taxi driver how often the bus comes by that's heading for Repulse Bay, and he tells them every twenty minutes. They hop out at the bus stop at 6:00 AM, just as Thunk leaves the station on the first bus of the day. On the bus, Gary wonders about the height of the double-decker. "How come buses don't come this tall in America? Everything comes tall in America except buses." Wow, that barely even merits a (THUNK), it's so puny. The bus whizzes past Taraweasel, who notice that it was the number six bus only after it's already gone by. On the second level of the bus, Dave belches and Gary looks at the newspaper, while down on the street, Tara and Wil fail to stop the bus so they can climb on.
Now that this first bus is gone, Tara suggests that she and Wil go for the Fast Forward, and Wil posits that Boston probably went for it. She says she thinks they didn't, because she told them that she and Wil were going to go for it. Oh, dear. She told Chris and Alex? I'm not in favor of Wil and all his yelling, but she certainly shouldn't have flapped her yap about this particular point. Wil is unhappy, and Tara asks him what he wants to do now that they've missed the bus. He says he wanted to get on the bus. She points out that there's no time machine, so he's going to have to come up with something else. He says to go for the FF, because he's just sure Chris and Alex will go for it, owing to Tara "open[ing] up [her] fucking mouth, as if they're [her] brothers." Well, not so much like they're her brothers, I don't think, but who am I to shatter Wil's delusions? [Miss Alli's Mom: "They're going to end up like Karyn and Lenny."] He goes on to get mad at her again some more. I'm so sorry I probably won't ever get to spend any quality time with these people in person. They're so unfailingly pleasant, you know? Maybe we could have breakfast, and they could throw scrambled eggs at each other and smear syrup in each other's hair. It sounds like such a good time.
Chris and Alex pick up the number six bus, and it turns out to be the same one that Thunk is on, up on the second deck, where Gary overhears Chris talking and says, "He's so irritating." Gary finds Chris irritating? Wow. That's beyond pot/kettle territory. What's bigger than pot/kettle? The industrial stove calling the Sub-Zero refrigerator stainless steel? Nah, very weak, I'll have to keep working on it. Boston goes upstairs, and Dave greets them with, "Boston boys are punks." Oh, how very tiresome.
Tara and Wil are grabbing a cab to the Fast Forward island. In the cab, Wil harangues her again about opening her mouth to Boston, employing a pretty apt poker reference, and she continues to insist that it didn't matter. "If I didn't tell them, they would still maybe go for it," she counters. Yeah, nice try, there, girlie. She's wrong, and she knows it.
6:29 AM. Cha-Cha-Cha. As they get on the little boat, Oswald interviews that they want no part of the ugliness and backstabbing and random acts of unkindness that seem to be running rampant among the other teams. He also says that they have a new strategy for this leg, which is to go to a nice hotel to ask directions to wherever they're supposed to go. As they walk, he comments that if the cold keeps up, he's "going to be an icicle." Aw. I feel you, Oswald, because we have snow in the forecast up here on the tundra right now, and I'm damn tired of it. TIRED, you hear me?
6:32 AM. Teeth. Paige voices over that they knew they had a chance to catch up at the top of this leg, because the statue doesn't open until later in the morning, which will create immediate bunching. Sigh. They get ashore and ask directions, and when they've politely thanked the impromptu guide, Paige quietly points out to Blake that they need to pick up the pace a little bit, and he agrees. This is practically the first time Paige has spoken voluntarily to say anything except how wonderful Blake is, so I suppose there's that to be grateful for. She tells him that they have "no room for mistakes," and they "have to play this game perfectly." In retrospect, considering the rest of this episode? That's really rather funny.
Boston and Thunk get off the bus, with Chris needling Gary about "following on [Chris's] coattails." Heh. Dave asks after Wil and Tara, and Boston doesn't share any info, although presumably they think Taraweasel is going for the FF. As the four guys walk together toward the statue, Gary nags about whether they know where they're going, and Chris asks him to calm down. "You guys, like, fester like bugs on somebody and make them freak out." Alex is wearing a very endearing grin. Gary bitches some more, and Chris goes on in a voice-over: "Gary gets on my nerves because he just talks and talks, and then when he doesn't have anything to talk about...he just talks about somethin'." Ha! Did you hear that sound? That was Chris becoming, just for fifteen seconds, completely my boyfriend. I mean, it's already over between us, but it was a lovely fifteen seconds. Thank you, Chris. I officially forgive you for the "Dive Into A Nest At The Rambler's Roost" shirt.
At the ferry terminal, Tara asks about the ferry to the Fast Forward island. The one is at 6:30. Wil starts to gripe that taking the FFFerry is "nuts." Yeah, I know. You're right, and you're not hallucinating. He's the one who wanted to do the FF before when she didn't. But now he's just sure that Boston will be on the ferry, so he doesn't want to go. Note that before, he wanted to do it because he thought Chris and Alex were going to do it, and now he doesn't want to do it because he thinks they're going to do it. His entire strategy, in other words, is based on what he thinks other teams are going to do, and he's going around in circles outsmarting himself. Furthermore, as they leave, he denies ever having wanted to go for the Fast Forward in the first place, which would be all right if he weren't, you know, on tape suggesting they go for it. "Wil is so worried about the other teams that he doesn't play his own game," Tara correctly voices over. Exactly. She's a kook and a half, but I couldn't have said it better myself.
The Teeth grab a taxi to the bus terminal. (Note that it appears that you don't actually need to go to the bus terminal -- you can go to any number of bus stops, or so it appears from what Alex and Chris did.) Blake is wearing that stupid prep-school jacket again. What a loony. He has at least left the tie, the shorts, and the propeller beanie at home today, so I don't have quite the urge I had previously to knock him in the knuckles with a ruler. Meanwhile, Boston and Thunk arrive at the spot where they need to find the statue of the sea goddess, and a woman shows them right where it is.
Oswald and Danny are looking for the hotel where they intend to ask for some help. "Let's just calm down for a minute, regroup," Oswald says.
Taraweasel get in a cab headed for a bus that can take them to Repulse Bay, having abandoned the Fast Forward. He excoriates her some more for opening her mouth to Boston, saying, "I think they went for it, 'cause you blew it." He orders her, "You're not telling anyone again that we're going for the Fast Forward." Man, on substance, he's right, but seriously, how is she still married to this guy? How did she ever marry this guy in the first place? How has no one beaten the crap out of him on this race yet?
At the bus terminal, Blake and Paige hop aboard the six bus, and they are soon joined by Taraweasel. Cha-Cha-Cha, meanwhile, finds their sought-after concierge and gets the directions they need, just as Wil and Tara and the Teeth de-bus. When they reach the flag at the statue, they find Boston and Thunk waiting there, and Wil tells Alex that he'd been afraid they'd go for the Fast Forward. "I knew you wouldn't do that to me," Tara says, throwing herself into the Alex arms. Alex gallantly says that once Tara told him that she and Wil were FF'ing, he foreswore the option. Whatever. The timing of Tara's embrace of Alex, as well as Wil's complete misunderstanding of why Alex is saying he wouldn't have gone for the FF, leads to a rather riotous situation in which Wil gratefully says, "Cool, then we are in an alliance" at literally the moment his wife is in the air with her legs wrapped around Alex. I am not kidding. Boston interviews about how they're still seeing how it goes with the alliance, and Wil in turn (and in his Horrible Hat) interviews that he likes Chris and Alex, but eventually, winning will mean not being a big happy polygamous family anymore. Good point.
Here come Danny and Oswald, our last team. They arrive at the flag just before the clue is available, much to the consternation of other teams who have been standing around for an hour. Oswald points out that the other teams were in great admiration of their relaxed attitude about showing up, whereas in fact, they got there as quickly as they could and were essentially just running behind. Ah, there's nothing like happy accidents that add to one's mystique.
At 8:00 AM, everybody tears open the clue. It tells them to go to Murray House, an "example of Western architecture." Boston seems to get out and get going in their cab first, while Cha-Cha-Cha carefully looks at a map to try to find the place themselves before they go. It seems to me that this could be a good idea, given that if you start with at least a vague notion of where you're going, you're better equipped to catch it if your driver (even one who claims to know right where to go) starts to screw up. The Teeth, to provide contrast and prove my point perfectly, jump in a cab with a non-English-speaking driver and take off, despite not having any idea where they're actually going. And that's sort of stupid, y'all. Without anything to go on, they wind up gambling on the idea that the "Western District" of Hong Kong described in their guidebook will be the home of the Murray House and its "Western architecture."
Everybody jumps in cabs, with Wil worrying the entire time about what other teams are doing (shock value: zero).
In the Thunk cab, Dave mentions to Gary "how calm, cool, and collected Cha-Cha-Cha was." "I kinda hated to see that," Gary bitters, but Dave just admiringly says, "They're Zen, they're so Zen." Oswald, in the Cha-Cha-Cha cab, agrees that he and Danny are "more harmonious." Gary goes on to complain: "It just seems like Cha-Cha-Cha spends all their nights in a spa. And we're sitting here, like, sweating like hogs." Would those be Sweathogs? Because if they would, Gary is totally the Horshack.
Teeth cab. Blake and Paige have absolutely no clue where they're going. That is not good.
Boston, Thunk, and Taraweasel arrive at the Murray House at the same time, and after Gary appears to inadvertently bump Tara on his way running by, Wil actually hauls off and shoves Gary. Wil, you are such a dork. And no matter how valiant you try to be in protecting Tara's honor, she's still not going to sleep with you, so GIVE IT UP. Gary pushes back. Wow, here's a real clash of the Titans, in terms of sheer toughness. Unsure what's with the shoving, Tara weakly but correctly points out that the boys are now shoving each other over "ten seconds." They all finally escape this little WWF moment and open the clue, which is a Detour. Now, first, I realize we have to answer all of those of you with your hands up, asking, "What's a Detour?" Well, listen to Phil, as he and his black turtleneck and black leather jacket (because Phil's mine, I walk the line) inform you that a Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. This week's choice, a classic Tortoise/Hare (as explained in last week's recap), is called Dragon or Lion. In Dragon, you and your partner paddle a relatively short course in a dragon boat that's normally piloted by about twelve guys. In Lion, you tromp a long course through the streets holding up one of those long lion puppet-ish deals that symbolize the Chinese New Year in your stereotypical American representation of such things. So the boat is a short distance traveled the hard way, whereas the lion is a long distance traveled the easy way.
Chris and Alex choose to row, row, row their boat. Gary and Dave do, too, as do Tara and Wil. It becomes pretty clear pretty quickly, however, that Chris and Alex are pretty much going to start the smoking of everybody else's butts right here on this little boat segment. Which is...um, kinda hot, although don't tell anybody I said so.
Blake and Paige are still in the cab, and it's becoming increasingly clear that they're on a very lengthy Hong-Kongian road to nowhere. (It's Blake's jacket. I think it's bad luck, like the Hating-Hats. It might even be unluckier than the Hating-Hats, though it is certainly less annoying.)
Back at the boats, Tara and Wil are struggling a bit, and Gary and Dave are struggling mightily. Dave has a pretty good notion of how to get the boat to operate, but Gary has no clue at all. Dave basically has to spoon-feed instructions to him the entire time, like he's a high school kid stuck doing a family boating activity with his little brother. Or his whiny grandma. Oswald and Danny arrive at the flag, take one look at the teams that are on the boats, and realize that if they boat, they're going to get steamrolled by at least Chris and Alex, and they could easily wind up in as much trouble as Thunk, which has managed to maneuver its boat so that it's bonking directly into a bank of rocks. They chuckle and go for the lion instead. As Danny picks up the lion head and Oswald grabs the tail, Oswald says, "This is gonna be so cool." Anybody who thinks Oswald isn't a perfectly good sport when he needs to be had better just back off, because he is especially fabulous right here. "This is so funny," he gleefully giggles as they walk off under the lion. Hee!
Meanwhile, the Teeth are rapidly decaying in their taxi, with no clue where they're going. It occurs to Blake that the driver probably has a cell phone (he calls this an "epiphany," which I think is a little strong -- as always, a little college vocabulary is a dangerous thing), so he rings up the Hong Kong tourism office. The news is not good. Totally going in the wrong direction. Oops.
Commercials. You know you're going nutty when Kirstie Alley tells you that you look stressed. I think that means you've gone off the deep end a LOT farther down the line than Pier One.
Back in the Teeth cab, Blake hands off the phone to the driver so that the tourism office can give him the directions. This is an okay idea, though I have to say it's not as good as making sure you have a taxi driver who (1) speaks English; and/or (2) knows where you're going, especially if (3) you don't have any idea yourself. They congratulate themselves on how slick they are for cracking the problem, and I certainly hope they know it's all relative.
Back at the boats, Chris and Alex are kicking butt and they know it. Tara and Wil are beginning to shape up, and Gary and Dave still can't get off the ground. Dave voices over that Gary was absolutely no help with the boat at all, and indeed it appears that Dave is doing pretty much all of the work, while Gary dabs at the water like he's scared of it.
Danny and Oswald, happily lion-ing down a street full of little shops. "Don't you feel silly?" Oswald says blissfully. Danny, from under the lion's head (sort of out its mouth): "Believe it or not, I'm actually window shopping." HEE! That was the best line in weeks, in terms of how unexpected it was and how completely and warmly it made me laugh. Oswald interviews that they try to pick the opposite Detour from what it seems like everybody else is going to do, and then we see him ask Danny (from under the lion's tail) whether he can see the other teams in their boats. He can, and things look pretty grim for Thunk. Dave is instructing Gary on how to paddle properly, and Gary is basically refusing to listen at all, thus making the situation insanely worse. Gary is just getting ugly, ugly, ugly lately. (No, not that kind of ugly. The really bad kind of ugly. The kind not easily forgiven.)
Chris and Alex polish off the boat course (well done, fellas!), and they grab the clue. It tells them to get to the steps of the opera house in Sydney, Australia. Oooh, new continent! Phil gives a restrained little intro to Sydney, and Boston is on its way.
Cha-Cha-Cha, still plugging along under the lion. They finish up the task, behind only Boston. They're happy about Sydney, but not surprised (Oswald immediately says, "I knew it!").
Taraweasel finishes the course, and Gary and Dave finally start making some progress.
As Oswald and Danny walk along, presumably looking for a cab to the airport, they come across a guy watering the plants outside his house. They ask if they can come in and make a phone call, and what does the guy say? "Sure!" Well, of course he does. No one can resist them. They're like Krispy Kreme. I'm telling you, these guys may come off like hothouse flowers, but they are no dummies.
Wil and Tara grab a bus to take them to get a taxi, and they pass Chris and Alex, who are hoofing it. Of course, Chris and Alex immediately get a taxi, so I'm not sure how much time Taraweasel really saved, considering that we now have a waste a few seconds watching Wil do his non-superior dance.
Finally, Thunk makes it to shore. When they read the clue, Gary attempts to low-five Dave, but it's a big whiff, and he just basically slaps air. It's very funny, if you don't like Gary. So...you know, it's very funny. They get a taxi to the airport.
The Teeth approach Murray House at long last. Blake thinks the dragon boat sounds like a pain in the ass, so they pick up the lion and take off. It looks like Paige has no vote regarding what Detour they take at all -- Blake just looks at the boat clue and says, "Nah, I don't like that," and it's on to the lion. For a guy who admires his sister so much, he doesn't seem to listen to her very often. Anyway, once they're inside the belly of the beast (literally), they do just fine, but frankly there's no way they're having as much fun as Oswald and Danny. Of course, nobody really has as much fun as Oswald and Danny, so what are you going to do?
Gary and Dave are headed for the airport, and they, like Cha-Cha-Cha, decide to stop and try to make a phone call to work on flights before they get there. They ask for the first flight from Bangkok to Sydney. I'm not sure why they think they have to connect through Bangkok, but apparently they think they do.
The Teeth, still humorlessly hauling the lion.
Oswald gets himself and Danny on standby for a flight, and then they thank their friendly host and take off again. Once again, now that they've at least secured standby, they intend to get themselves to a good hotel and talk to the concierge to see what they can do about getting in touch with a travel agency. Not only do they think this will net them a better flight, but they also don't want to deal with "the masses and the chaos" at the airport. Considering how hectic all the airport crap always looks, I have to think they've made a very wise choice there. Cha-Cha-Cha takes their fabulous selves and scoots to the Mandarin Oriental hotel, which is the same place they got directions early in the morning. On their way there, they pass Gary and Dave on the sidewalk, where they are on the phone working on flights. As they go by, the teams exchange greetings, and Dave asks Oswald whether they're making reservations. "No," Oswald answers, barely slowing down. When they're gone, Dave calls them "smug bastards," which would really piss me off, except that I'm pretty sure it was a compliment, given that Dave follows it up with a very sincere, "They scare me." Heh. Gary allows that perhaps Cha-Cha-Cha "knows something much more" than Thunk does. Oh, for cryin' out loud, let me count the ways.
Blake and Paige finish the Detour and grab the Sydney clue. As they try to catch a cab, Blake says he "can't bear" the thought of missing a good flight "'cause of one mistake." Well, yes, dearie, but that's how this race works, especially at the end. You're on your toes all the time, or you're out, out, out. In the grand tradition of Esquire dumping a couple of old ladies onto the Parisian pavement, the Teeth manage to appropriate a cab from its rightful passenger and take off. Incidentally, Blake tells the evictee that she's "a god," so apparently false idols (Buddha, for instance) are bad, but employing religious imagery to butter up those you've just taken advantage of? That's perfectly fine.
Thunk finishes reserving tickets, and they get a cab for the airport. In the cab, Gary starts bitching about Danny and Oswald again. "I don't like how Cha-Cha-Cha just walks past us, doesn't talk to us...just puts their nose in the air." What the hell is Gary's problem all of a sudden? He certainly has gone from thunky-but-harmless to downright misanthropic in about half an episode. Dave is tired of him, too, because he doesn't even look at Gary, but just keeps concentrating on his juice box.
Danny and Oswald go into the hotel. They ask the concierge to recommend a travel agent, and having landed the skinny on the agency the hotel itself uses, they're on their way.
Taraweasel's cab passes Boston's on the way to the airport. (Boston, incidentally, looks like they need about three days of sleep at this point before they'll begin to be caught up.) When the teams meet up there, they exchange a little banter about the rowing and the taxi-ing. Inside, the four of them work on booking seats. Elsewhere, Cha-Cha-Cha finds its travel agency, which happens to be located in the Lucky Building. No, really. It's that kind of day for them. Anyway, they explain to the travel agent exactly what they need, and she asks them to give her an hour to work on it. I, of course, am thinking, "An hour? You don't have an hour!" They, on the other hand, decide to take advantage of this free hour to...go shopping! First stop? A mocha frappucino. Good choice, boys! I love the mocha frappucino, myself. It is so far superior to any of the other chilled coffee slushies that there is just no comparison. I mean, I love Caribou, but the Coolers have enough sugar to rot six sets of molars before you can even swallow the stuff. Not that this is really about that. At any rate, Cha-Cha-Cha finds themselves at a ritzy store with a bottle of to-die-for cologne that Danny just can't get over. They leave the store and start down the sidewalk, but Oswald's spidey-sense is tingling, and he just knows that Danny wants that cologne bad. They run back to get it, obviously giddy with excitement. They are out-of-control adorable. Furthermore, say what you will, but if they manage to get away with it, this is a marvelous strategic move. As discussed previously, your biggest enemy at this point in the race is Killer Fatigue, which causes you to run out of steam, lose your concentration, and start screwing up. If you can refuel -- really, seriously, totally refuel -- it's probably the best thing you can do for your race performance. So as much fun as this shopping sequence is, it's also a very smart move, provided they don't get screwed by the travel agent, which is what does give it some element of risk.
Blake and Paige arrive at the airport, all excited about going to Sydney. They run into the Adultery Alliance booking seats, and everyone is very curious about the whereabouts of Cha-Cha-Cha. "They probably already got it booked," Blake comments. "They're probably chillin' now," Chris puts in. Cut to Danny and Oswald, coming out of the store. "We're shoooopping, we're shooooopping," Danny singsongs. "I feel like a human being again," Oswald says simply, and remember what I just said about refueling? There it is. "We got the cologne," he continues. "We're tired of being smelly." Heh. There's that, too. Danny explains in an interview that Ozzie's encouraging him to buy the cologne was a great gesture of friendship. Also potentially damaging later in this money-tight race, but that's not a concern for this particular moment of glory, I suppose. They happily head into Gucci.
Thunk heads into the airport just as the Adultery Alliance is finishing up at the counter. "We would like to get on the same flight that the two deceitful and untrustworthy people...you know, the blonde and the..." Dave, muttering: "You don't have to...just...come on." Exactly. Once again, I must ask what got up Gary's behind in this episode, because he is annoying as all hell in a completely different way than usual -- nasty and abrasive, rather than just trying too hard. He keeps it up: "What about thinking outside the box? Do you ever think outside the box? No?" This will not make ticket agents want to help him. In an interview, Blake points out that Gary and Dave are "the ugliest Americans" at this point, though I have to say that in this sequence, the issue appears to be only Gary -- I have, as usual, no problem with Dave. Furthermore, Blake himself is not exactly my choice for Goodwill Ambassador. Blake and Paige finish up booking their flights.
Danny and Oswald, now in what looks like a big mall. "This is like coming to church for us," Oswald says grandly. With all due respect, you know...no, it isn't, but it was still funny. Oswald explains that he heard choirs singing as they entered. "There's nothing like a shopping center to bring two friends together," he says happily as they walk along the mall with their arms around each other. But they are so not a couple.
Commercials. Shop at K-Mart, because it's really the best way there is to demonstrate how much you love your family. You know, without having to actually see them.
Oswald and Danny. Back at the Lucky Building, they cross their fingers and hope for good results from the travel agent. They find that the agent has done a terrific job, and has arranged for them to connect through Singapore (everybody else is connecting through Bangkok). She has also arranged for a black Mercedes to take them to the airport. Score!
Okay, the flight sequence. Begin at the Hong Kong airport. Gary and Dave, boarding. At 12:45 PM, the flight they're on with the Teeth and the Adultery Alliance takes off from Hong Kong to Bangkok. At the same time, Danny and Oswald find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile. Danny comments that they are "definitely styling," and Oswald says, almost in disbelief, "We had a really good day today, huh?" They arrive at the airport, and their flight to Singapore takes off at 2:30, just as the other teams land in Bangkok. In the Bangkok airport, Gary accuses Blake of "hovering" over him at the ticket counter, but Blake points out that he's on the same flight as Gary the Gargantuan Grump, so he can just chill out. The flight from Bangkok to Sydney takes off at 5:40 PM. Cha-Cha-Cha lands in Singapore at 6:15, and takes off for Sydney at 8:00 PM.
An Amazing Yellow Line is joined by Special Guest Star the Amazing Red Line as the two flights streak toward Sydney. And the winner is...Cha-Cha-Cha, whose flight hits Sydney at 6:25 AM. All that shopping, and they still saved half an hour. Ha! Brilliant. In their cab, Danny says that "yesterday was a nurture-pampering day, and today is a let's-kick-ass day." Yay, Danny! I want Cha-Cha-Cha to come live with me and be my pets. I could feed them Cha-Cha-Cha Chow. (Yeah, I know, THUNK.)
At 7:00 PM, the flight on Everybody Else Airlines lands. Thunk, commenting that they're ahead of everybody else except "Cha-Cha-Cha -- whereabouts unknown," gets through customs and out to a taxi first.
Cha-Cha-Cha, currently in first place, runs up to the clue box at the opera house. This is the Roadblock for the week, and you have to pay attention to how it works. (Really, you should -- after all, not all the contestants are going to.) It's a series of clues, almost like a scavenger hunt -- find one thing, that sends you to the thing, and so forth, in a chain. And the person doing the Roadblock does not return to their partner until they finish the chain of clues. It says this right on the clue. Oh, and the clues are written in Australian slang, so a little help from the locals will be needed. (Advantage, Cha-Cha-Cha.) The first piece of the Roadblock says to take a bus to "check out the surfie in the lairy daks." Oswald takes the Roadblock, and he's off. A guy on the bus explains that daks are pants, and "lairy" means basically loud and gaudy, so I'm thinking Oswald can definitely relate. Incidentally, it is also now raining a bit.
Chris and Alex are out of the airport, and they, too, are mystified about where Danny and Oswald wound up. To their credit, none of these teams assume that just because Cha-Cha-Cha isn't with them, they're necessarily behind them. "Danny and Oswald?" Chris says. "Who knows where?"
In Roadblock news, Oswald has found his way to a guy with a surfboard and loud pants on, so he goes up to him and, as instructed, says, "G'day, mate." The clue sends him to a park to look for a "true blue ankle-biter." Significantly, he stops under a little overhang and re-checks the clue to see whether he's supposed to keep going or return to Danny. The clue specifically tells him to keep going until he finds a clue sending him back to his partner, so he keeps on trucking. Or, in this case, running. That kind of calm, you see, is what you gain when you spend an hour sniffing cologne instead of standing in line at the airport. Back at the opera house, Danny waits for him to return.
Gary and Dave read the Roadblock clue, and since it says that the person will have to "speak good Australian," Dave takes it. Gary says he "didn't do well in Australian in school." Boy, that is a classic (THUNK) line if ever there was one. So much effort, so little payoff.
out of the airport are Blake and Paige. She seems to not feel well (maybe it's the exposure to Blake's jacket), but they take off for the opera house anyway. Taraweasel leaves at about the same time.
Dave finds the surfie and keeps going. Chris and Alex get to the opera house and open the clue, and Alex takes the Roadblock. Oswald is running through the rain looking for the ankle-biter park. Somebody tells him this would be a little kid (even I knew that one, though), and he gets to the park and finds a kid on a tricycle with little Australian flags all over it. Aww. Now he has to find a Sheila in an Aussie cozzie. A friendly fellow tells him that Sheila is just any girl, and an Aussie cozzie is a swimsuit. The things you learn on this show, I'm tellin' ya. Now if I ever go to Australia and need a bathing suit and some loud pants, I'm going to know just what to ask for.
Back at the Roadblock starting point, Gary and Chris are waiting for Dave and Alex to return, just like it's an old movie and their husbands are out at sea. Blake and Paige arrive, and Blake takes the Roadblock, owing to Paige's iffy health situation.
Alex is having a harder time finding folks to help him with the slang than Ozzie did (duh), but he does find the surfie. Dave finds the ankle-biter, while back at the starting point, Taraweasel arrives and Wil takes on the task. "Read the directions as you go," Tara stresses as Wil runs away. Our old friend Foreshadowing (tm Sars) flies overhead, cawing and flapping its vulture-like wings.
Oswald learns that the "Captain Cook" he's looking for (where the girl is) is a statue. He finds it, and he finds her. "Wonderful day for tanning," he says sarcastically as she sops in the rain. She hands him the clue, which sends him looking for a bushie. Meanwhile, Alex finds the kid on the trike, and Dave finds Captain Cook. Oswald needs a little more help finding the bushie, which he gets with no trouble. He flashes a truly gorgeous, glorious smile as he takes off.
Blake finds the surfie and gets the clue. However, he is (as he himself interviews) in such a hurry that he doesn't read the directions (and apparently didn't read them at the beginning), so he immediately goes back to the opera house to find Paige. Wil, meanwhile, also finds the surfie -- and proceeds to do exactly the same thing. Tara isn't really sure that Wil did it right, but of course the person they run into at the opera house is Blake, who tells them that he did exactly what Wil did. Ha! This is awesome. Taraweasel and the Teeth take off in cabs, looking for the ankle-biter. Yeah, they've screwed it up all right. Chris, meanwhile, is very suspicious of how Blake and Wil could have beaten Alex and Dave (who experience would suggest are better at Roadblocks than Wil and Blake) back to the starting point. "How the hell did Blake find something first?" Chris wonders. "He's an idiot." Hee! Umm...Chris is showing his shoulder here, too. Oh, dear me. His elbow has a dimple. BAH! All of a sudden I have issues! I have bouncer issues! I have arm issues! Crap.
A sopping wet Oswald finds the bushie, who has a big cockatoo on his arm. The clue he hands Ozzie tells him that NOW he can return to his partner and go check in at the pit stop, which is on the roof of the Museum of Contemporary Art. Way to go, Oswald, you thinker, you.
At the pit stop, Phil tells us that the first team to get there will win a seven-day Caribbean Cruise. Wow, nice.
Dave finds the swimsuit girl, and though he's in a hurry, he's not in too much of a hurry to tell her she's "looking fine" in a way that calls to mind the last few minutes of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. , Alex finds her. Oswald, meanwhile, makes it back to Danny. They quickly hoof it to the museum, run up to the roof, and land on the mat. Woo-hoo! They're greeted by the town crier, who is very cute and rings a big noisy bell, and yells, "Welcome to Syyyd-neeeeey!" Phil tells them they're in first place. They hug Phil, and he loves them. Wow, they rocked the hell out of this leg of the race. Pretty much mistake-free in every way. Weirdly, we don't see Phil tell them about the cruise. Hmph. Wouldn't you have liked to have seen that? Don't you suspect they were happy? Double hmph.
Alex and Dave are heading for the bushie, which Alex finds first. I think Alex thanks the bird, actually. Dave is . When the bird screams at him, he says exasperatedly, "I hear you, bird." Heh.
Meanwhile, an irrationally exuberant Tara and Wil, thinking they're in first place, find the ankle-biter, followed by Blake and Paige. Alex finds his way back to Chris, and they dash for the museum. Dave is close on his heels, and when he gets back to Gary, he's shocked to hear that Wil and Blake have been allegedly finished with the Roadblock for quite a few minutes. It seems impossible. Of course, that's because it is impossible. "I don't get it," Dave groans. Alex and Chris land on the mat, and they're team number two.
Now, in one of my favorite moments, Wil is really feeling his oats as he and Tara progress from the ankle-biter to the swimsuit girl. "I'm not going to brag, but you can't keep a good man down," he, uh, brags. They get the clue from her, and are soon followed by the Teeth. Blake feels it necessary to kiss the poor swimsuit girl. I don't think that's part of the Roadblock, Blake. No sexually harassing the local color!
Gary and Dave are third at the pit stop.
Taraweasel arrives at the bushie and collects the clue. When they open it, Wil starts to read it out loud. "'Return to your partner, check in' -- 'Return to your partner?'" he says incredulously. Um, yep. "Oh, my God, you fucked this whole thing up?" Tara says. The cockatoo chirps sympathetically. "We have to do the whole thing over," she despairs. I think this is my petty side's absolutely favorite scene of the entire race, bar none. My petty side is in heaven. My petty side is not afraid to tell you that this is the happiest it has been in months. Possibly years. My petty side is now going to lie down and ponder its good fortune for a good week and a half.
Commercials. Vote for a new color of M&Ms, because God knows American consumerism wouldn't be where it is today if we ever left well enough alone.
Wil heads back to the opera house to start the Roadblock over, as Blake and Paige get to the bushie and receive the same bad news. (Said news being, "Return to your partner.") Blake's first reaction is righteous indignation -- he sort of stammers, "That is so un -- un -- " You can tell he's going for "unfair," but fortunately for him, he never actually gets there, because he then rereads the clue and sees that it indeed said that all along. Back at the opera house, Wil takes off to rerun the Roadblock, leaving Tara behind. In an interview, he at least takes full responsibility for the screwup, which is honestly more than I was expecting from him. "I made a costly error," he says. I only wish. The Teeth also come back to the Roadblock starting point, and Paige plunks down on the steps to Tara to wait for their respective idiots to return. "I can't believe this," Paige moans. "I can, with Wil," Tara groans. Snerk. They then commiserate about the fact that neither Blake nor Wil actually pays attention to anything, because they're so busy racing and being oh-so-intense all the time.
Before the girls have to break out the General Foods International Coffee, Wil finally gets back and picks Tara up, and they're off. In their cab, Tara says that Wil isn't allowed to do Roadblocks anymore, and he seems genuinely confused as to what she's upset about. "If I would have done this, I would have read the whole thing," she says firmly. He protests, and she points out that not only did he screw it up, he ignored her specific attempts to keep him from screwing it up by asking him over and over to make sure he did it carefully. He basically has no defense except Blake-did-it-too, which isn't that much of a defense, considering...well, considering it's Blake. Speaking of whom, he makes it back to the starting point and picks up Paige, and they head for the pit stop.
Taraweasel and the Teeth race for the museum. Tara winds up yelling at people in the street in order to get where she's going, which quickly gets her nowhere. She grouses that they're "about to be eliminated," which is pretty dumb, considering that this is obviously a non-elimination leg, not that I would break the suspense bubble or anything. "Every second counts!" Blake hollers at Paige. "Okay!" she says with annoyance, particularly since they just got through making up for his screwup. "You gotta have a positive attitude!" he pleads breathlessly. Oy. Shut UP, Blake. On the roof of the museum, at the pit stop mat, Phil waits patiently with the town crier. Wil and Tara finally emerge and approach. Phil tells them they're in fourth place. In an interview, Tara points out that if she had screwed up anything as badly as Wil did, he would have hung her from a bridge by her feet. She's right, of course.
As the creepy, creepy Teeth enter the museum, Blake is all positive-attitude-ing that "every other team gets mad and crumbles, but we're going to stay strong..." Shut up AGAIN, Blake. "There he is, the grim freakin' reaper," Blake says as they approach Phil at the mat. Long story short? Oh, yeah, they're last. But? Non-elimination! Blake grins. Then, he goes into a little speech about Paige: "My sister is the most amazing woman in the world. If I could find a girl like her, tomorrow, I'd get married. I wouldn't be single anymore. She is so fun, so smart, so supportive...she's everything to me, she really is." I'm not going to make a big deal out of it or anything, because I think you get the general vibe, but...ew. Really. Ew.
up: Can Danny and Oswald diva their way into first place? Who will get dumped ? Will Tara ever forgive Wil for screwing up the Roadblock? Should she? Will Chris do something else vaguely appealing and really start messing with my worldview? Will Gary get any worse? CAN he get any worse? Join us soon for Part Two of this very amazing episode.