Previously on Thai Me Up, Thai Me Down: Africa was lousy with ostriches, so everybody hauled ass to Bangkok. Wil and Tara were snotty and overconfident as a result of their alleged familiarity with Thailand, as opposed to other past episodes, in which they were snotty and overconfident as a result of their personalities. Wil promised to be less of an ass in future legs, and thousands of viewers emptied their savings and raced to their local pari-mutuel windows to bet against it. Blake and Paige's dead relatives could hardly believe their luck when three cars showed up in their corner of the great beyond, even though one was soon revoked. Oswald and Danny sprouted a Fern. The right form of transportation was all it tuk-tuk for Chris and Alex to land in first place. (Ugh, sorry.) Cyndi and Russell became disoriented in the course of an urban ornithological quest, and Phil delivered the news: God loves you, but Bruckheimer Films still isn't writing you the big toy check. Who will be eliminated...uh...?
Credits. Yodel 'em if you got 'em: "Don't! You! Think! That by now they! All! Stink!? They have not washed! Their! Hair! They're out of un-der-wear! No! Clean! Socks! Not since the e-qui-nox! Don't take a breath! When they...are near...you must...steer clear...and please...don't! Be! Thrown! Just hope they wear! Co-logne! They're filthy! [BOMP.]"
Thailand, where the drunken cameramen have apparently gotten into the No-Doz again. Phil tells us that we are at a "traditional river house" called Plai Pong Pang in central Thailand, where the teams have been hanging out and resting up. Mingling et cetera, including a shot of Gary and Tara in which he's looking at her and she's looking at the floor. I think he just told a joke, and she's staring at its decomposing corpse. Dave bandages his leg. Once again, Blake has no shirt on. Blake: Community Chest.
AAAAAAAH! Just after Blake's towel shot, we get a big Gary-in-a-towel shot. You can't fool me -- that is an act of hostility toward people the editors suspect of enjoying shirtless Blake. Can't you just see them saying in their soothing, editor-like voices, "Heeere you go, sweetie, here's a nice boy without much on...and how about THIS, Miss Smarty-Pants!" And then they cackle. It's quite disturbing if you ruminate on it for a while. Fortunately, the route-marker, sealed-envelope, Exposition-Hands sequence remains the same, so my grip on reality is quickly restored. Phil wonders aloud whether Wil can maintain his new "humble attitude," and millions of people look at their TVs and yell, "Oh, yeah, RIGHT!" Wil, incidentally, is still wearing The Hat. It has not gotten any more attractive. Phil wonders whether Tara will keep flirting with Alex. I think it's safe to say that if Wil doesn't stop wearing The Hat, she almost certainly will. It's a little-known fact, but before no-fault divorce was instituted, that hat was one of the legally sufficient grounds for dissolution.
6:11 AM. Boston. (Incidentally, now that Boston Rob was voted off Survivor, the New England reality-television contingent has improved its overall decency quotient so much that I can almost forgive Chris for not having a neck.) Chris, as usual, is carrying The Amazing Purse. (Have you seen these? This season, all the teams have these little red-and-yellow striped bags, which appear to be adaptable as shoulder bags or fanny packs.) The clue tells them to go to Bangkok and find a flower vendor at a particular intersection. More drunken, caffeine-guzzling cameramen fly down the river, as Phil Phil-overs that the teams will take a boat to Ampawa, then have to figure out how to get to Bangkok. Turns out there's rather a large and sprawling flower market at this particular location, so finding the particular flower stand that carries the flag is the challenge. Phil concludes with his best dramatic delivery of the week: "The largest...flower market...in Thailand!" In their spoon-fed longboat (sigh), Chris and Alex luxuriate in the pleasures of being in first place. "Chris and I have said from the beginning that this is where we should be," Alex interviews. Well, my dears, I'm glad you've finally reached your deserved position. I'm assuming that now that you've corrected the anomaly, you'll cruise straight through to the end and everything. Nice shot in the boat from Chris's Crotch Cam, by the way. Ay yi yi, this show is on at 8:00 in the Central time zone, you know. Out east, that's your family hour.
In Ampawa, Boston looks for a ride to Bangkok. Nobody really speaks English, but they wind up piling into a taxi (or, as Wil would call it, a bus) and hoping for the best. "We got a little bit of a language barrier going on," Chris opines. Of course, I don't always find it easy to understand what Chris is saying either, so...I certainly sympathize with the Bangkok ground transport community. Maybe they speak English, but they don't speak Chris.
6:42 AM. Mary and the Fruit. In an interview, Mary says that she thinks Peach is finding the experience "overwhelming," but she gives her sister credit for having "grown in leaps and bounds." It's easy to find Mary patronizing in these situations, but I have a feeling that there is a lot of history here, and I suspect that as plucky as I find the Fruit these days, she may not have always been that pleasant to have around. Speaking of the Fruit, she says that Mary has pushed her when necessary, and that she's already made lots of progress in overcoming her fears. Considering how energetic she seems to be now, for a girl who was afraid to sleep on the beach in Rio, I have to say I see her point.
7:19 AM. Taraweasel reads the clue, then piles into their boat. Tara voices over about how the Weasel promised that he was going to try to improve his attitude, but as they get into the boat, he starts in on the driver literally within five seconds. No, literally. He is being rude to the driver within five seconds of dropping his ass in the boat. Good grief. Tara is joining in as well, although in her interview, she says that Wil was being an ass (thus breaking his pledge), but insists that somehow she wasn't being as bad as Wil, who was "screaming at this little Thai man." I'm sorry, did she say "little Thai man"? Ugh. Speaking of said man, I'm not sure he's drawing much of a distinction between the two of them, because he seems ready to throw them both into the drink, and rightly so. By the way, Tara is also wearing an unnecessary knit hat. Will they never learn?
7:22 AM. Teeth. They open their clue and the money for the leg ($120). A scruffy, needs-a-shave Blake interviews that other teams are showing weakness, but he and his sister are just getting stronger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stronger or not, these two still give me the creeps. It's a whole Sci-Fi Channel movie-of-the-week thing -- "They looked like All-American siblings, but week after week, they got stronger and stronger, until one day..." Well, you know the rest, with the vacant stare and the bloodsucking and such. Oh, and can you guess what they do in the boat? That's right. They say, "Wooo!" If I didn't enjoy typing the word "teeth" so much, I would definitely call them Team Wooo! Paige interviews that they can overcome anything. What's she wearing? An unnecessary knit hat, and there's no overcoming that.
7:23 AM. Thunk. One of them brilliantly voices over that when they stop making mistakes, they'll do better in the race. Boy, what they lack in wit, they certainly make up for in stupidity. Anyway, now we cut to Gary and Dave's interview footage, and -- oh, for the love of all that is -- what is this? Gary is in an earflap hat. No, really -- an earflap hat. It's sort of greenish-black, vaguely condom-like, and features a logo on the front that I refuse to attempt to decode. It's probably the crest of The International Society Of Funeral Directors For Dead-On-Arrival One-Liners, since I suspect he speaks at all their conventions. Dave is wearing a red bandanna. Now we enter into our special feature of the day, "Gary And Dave Dis The Other Teams: A Study In Glass Houses And Stone-Throwing." Over footage of Wil and Tara de-boating, Thunk says that Taraweasel is a strong team, but Tara wants to be friends with people more than she wants to win. Dave thinks Thunk can use that to their advantage. I think Dave might be thinking of another show, like Survivor or something. I might need to send him a telegram reminding him what show he's on.
The Teeth, followed by Thunk themselves, de-boat and grab cabs for Bangkok. In one moment I particularly like, Blake seems to be looking at something (a book of some kind), and trying to figure out something about what it says, and then he slowly turns it upside-down and tries again. That was cute. When the Teeth are in their cab, Blake explains that the guy said "market flowers," so they're hoping that means he knows where he's going. Dave yells at Thunk's driver to go faster, and Gary asks him to calm down. Ah, Gary. The voice of reason. And he's in his camo hat, too, so he's certainly at his most irresistible. Over footage of Blake and Paige, Gary says that "Team Smiley," as he calls them, is "weak," because "they've never had to fight for anything in their whole world, except maybe their sorority slots." Well, I'm pretty sure Blake didn't fight for a sorority slot, but I guess when you're Gary, you do what you can. Anyway, (THUNK). Dave says the Teeth are "children" and that Thunk will "step all over them when [they] need to." Blake, meanwhile, jury-rigs a diagram of the cross-streets they're looking for, looks up the word for "market," and has Paige draw a flower. Because a guy can't draw a flower without lowering his sperm count, I suppose. Although this does qualify as one of Blake's Wacky Schemes, I have to say that it's one of his better ones, since it's not necessarily doomed to failure before he even begins.
Gary holds up what looks like it's part of the clue. "Look at this," he points out. "This is one word in the Thai language," he complains. "I'm upset that the British never took the time to colonize this place, because nobody speaks English. How can you make anybody go fast that takes fifteen minutes to write one word?" Okay, first of all? (THUNK-THUNKETY-THUNK.) Second of all, Gary is a jackass for making that particular joke, and there's no way around it. The fact of the matter is that there are some things that are just a little too sensitive for a clod like Gary to make into THUNK fodder, and I think that if you want to prove me right, just ask yourself how funny an analogous comment about how much of a shame it is that we abolished slavery would have been. Would you have expected laughter? Then why would you expect it from this? Furthermore, as a general matter over the last few episodes, that's a few too many Asian-culture-sucks jokes from one guy, and he needs to dial it back for a while and find something else to make fun of besides the country he's visiting and the people who live there. Look, I know he intended to amuse. But it's a dumb-ass comment, pure and simple.
Paige waxes rhapsodic in the Teethmobile about how cool it is when Blake comes up with one of these elaborately pointless pieces of maneuvering, because she thinks it's so way cool when he demonstrates his ability to "think outside the box...or as we call it, 'think outside the race.'" Oh, please don't say "think outside the race." Don't say that ever again. I detest that expression so much that it is actually in my recapper bio. That's how much I hate it. Don't make this race about Dilbert cartoons. Please. Don't say "paradigm" or "synergy" or "partnering." I can't bear it.
In the Thunk cab, Dave says that he likes Oswald and Danny, and that they're "funny, entertaining guys." "Yeah, but they're divas," Gary whines. Cut to Cha-Cha-Cha, taking their 8:31 departure time. Earflap Gary interviews that Cha-Cha-Cha is "suffer[ing] from a case of shopping withdrawal." Dave: "I don't think they're enjoying themselves that much, and I don't know how badly they want to continue." Cut back to the Chas in their boat, where Danny looks pretty happy but Oswald indeed looks pretty bummed. "Of course it won't start," he says flatly as the boat meanders. He interviews that the race was fun at first, but now it's getting to him. Danny adds that the bunching is getting them down, because they worked to get out of last place, and now there they are again.
Cabs, cabs, cabs, on the way to Bangkok. Music: "[Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp-bomp-bomp BOMP!]" As they approach the city, the traffic gets nasty and snarled. The Gary and Dave publicity machine starts in on Mary and Peach, who Dave allows are "tougher competitors than [he] thought they were going to be." Gary counters that the race requires two people with "killer instinct," and that the Fruit "can't kill anything, except maybe a pink margarita." Well, nitwit, they're running substantially ahead of you, so apparently she who can only kill a pink margarita is at least as well off as he who can kill only a perfectly good joke.
Pak Kong Talad flower market. Boston de-cabs and starts looking for the flag. Chris: "It's in here somewhere, and we're just going to have to figure out where the clue is by walking around." Give him a hand, ladies and gentlemen; he came up with that comment all on his own. For some reason, one guy that they meet holds up his fists, and Chris is highly amused. This sequence is noteworthy because it gives Chris yet another opportunity to use the expression "kick his ass." Did he really need another opportunity? Chris wants to find the flag "before the other chumps get here." Again, I note how carrying The Amazing Purse brings out Chris's eyes. I wish he had matching shoes.
Non-chumps Mary and the Fruit arrive, followed by Taraweasel. Wil comments that the flower market is "really going to separate the men from the boys." Wil, of course, will be filed under a separate special category, "annoying rodents." Back to Boston, having a very stupid conversation about what "corner" means. Chris says that "there's a corner at every road intersection." It certainly is difficult to get anything by Chris. He's a quick one.
"The bully boys' weakness," Gary says, as the Thunk cab approaches, "is that they're not in their natural environment. There are no beer bongs here, there are no toga parties, and there's not a lot of drunken women. These guys don't know what to do without their party, and soon they're going to realize they shouldn't be here at all." This is such an asinine comment that I'm really not sure whether it's supposed to be funny or not, which means that if it is, he didn't do a very good job with it. If he didn't, I think Gary needs to spend a little less time being envious and a little more time running his own race. Come to think of it, I think that's the theme of this entire trash-talking segment.
Boston, still looking. Chris: "It's not just one market, it's a whole world of flowers." The flower market's advertising department runs to put that on all of its promotional brochures, posters, pens, key chains, t-shirts, and suction-cup car-window decorations. Chris goes on to say that he and Alex are in the process of piddling away their lead.
Commercials. If you don't eat at KFC, Jason Alexander will lose the only income stream he has left, not to mention the shriveled shreds of his dignity.
Drunken cameramen at the flower market. "We're about half-retarded right now," Chris remarks as they continue looking. The only good thing about that comment is that you really haven't fully appreciated an accent like Chris's until you've heard him say "retarded." It's not my fault; it's simple linguistics. ["Also -- 'half'?" -- Sars] Mary and the Fruit are still looking, too. Mary is dismayed to discover that she and Peach have crossed over to "the vegetable side." Where killer carrots roam, unfettered by the bounds of decency! Not really.
At long last, Boston finds the flag. The clue tells them to go by train to Chiang Mai and find the Old Bridge. Also, note that the clue, as Alex reads it, says that they must travel by train "all the way to Chiang Mai," which is presumably aimed at turkeys who might be tempted to, I don't know, jump off halfway there and take a taxi. Phil reviews the clue. Back at the flower market, Boston jumps into a tuk-tuk headed for the train station. Mary spots them leaving, and deduces that the clue is probably somewhere near where they were when they left. Good call, Mary! She and the Fruit follow the scent of Boston to the clue with no further difficulty. Mary talks to a driver about whether he can take them to the train station. "Train station," she says, pointing at the clue. The guy says, matter-of-factly, "Elevator." Hee! I don't entirely understand why that happened, but it was funny as hell. They eventually do find a guy who's a little clearer on the distinction between a train station and an elevator, and they're on their way.
Tara and Wil jump out of their cab, and she calls him "Weasel" again. That always puts a little smile on my face, I must admit. They're quickly followed by the Teeth. But, of course, because of The Luck Of The Evil, Tara finds the flag first, entirely by accident. When they read the clue, they recognize Chiang Mai, which makes Tara grin and makes them high-five, because of course they've learned that having heard of a place before means they'll be able to get there faster than everyone else. Idiots. Tara tries to find a cab driver to take them to the station, and gives us a glimpse of her train impression. It's pretty limited -- it doesn't go very far beyond "choo choo," and considering that trains really don't so much go "choo choo" anymore, I'm not sure how helpful that is. When they're in the cab, Wil confidently points out that other people won't spot the clue as quickly as they did. "I think, for you to do that..." Tara grins and says, "Are you giving me props right now?" Wil considers his answer, and then says, "No, I mean..." Tara: "No, I didn't think so." Sigh.
The Teeth are still looking, and Thunk is just showing up. "Look for the clue, look for the clue!" Dave yells. I would certainly hope that Gary could come up with that one on his own, although considering some of his other nonsensical behavior, I could be assuming far too much. The Teeth find the clue as Cha-Cha-Cha pulls up. Thunk finds the clue and gets a cab. Danny and Oswald are still looking. Oswald describes himself in an interview as "tired" and "a little bit angry." He says he'd rather be somewhere comfortable. Ah, wouldn't we all? They find the clue.
Boston gets help with the train at some kind of tourist center; then we're at the train station. The teams discover that the train doesn't leave until three o'clock (remember, it was very early morning when they left the pit stop), and that, in a great reminder of the fact that everything is relative, it's a "rapid train" but takes fifteen hours. "We're all going to get bunched up again," Wil says. Shout-out! Talking to Mary, the Weasel says that the train ride will be "grueling." Actually, he says "grueling, grueling, grueling." Three "gruelings," Wil? I understand it won't be pleasant, but really, to paraphrase the Bad Teen Novel? IT'S A TRAIN.
Teams arrive, Gary and Dave find out that in third class, you don't get a bed, and Oswald takes note of the bunching. Several of the teams decide to take a shopping excursion in Bangkok while they wait for the afternoon train. It looks like this trip includes Taraweasel, Boston, the Teeth, and Mary and the Fruit. Wil does not go anywhere without that hat, it appears. Do you realize that he has been wearing that hat nonstop for three episodes? At any rate, Blake takes the opportunity to shop for sunglasses, having lost his in London. He pays four bucks. As Mary tries on a shirt, she calls in Chris to get her a better deal. He offers the woman in the shop "one hundred...and I'll give you a hug." At least, I think that's what he's doing. But he winds up hugging the Fruit, so I don't really understand. Blake tries to negotiate for a book, and gets shot down. Chris, on the other hand, is going like gangbusters with the Bangkok retail crowd, and now that he's using his alleged hotness (which escapes me entirely) to extract favors from women, he looks like he is in his element. The teams eat lunch, and Alex eyeballs Tara over his noodles.
Chris explains in an interview that Wil doesn't like Alex as much as he once did, ever since Alex has been openly pursuing his wife. Quite a shock, that. In an interview, Wil chalks his unhappiness up to race strategy, saying that having friends is fine, but winning money is what really matters. Of course, Wil. It's not the sex part or anything like that. Man, one of my missions is to try to get these people a group rate for therapy. Alex says that Wil doesn't like how he flirts with Tara, since "that's his ex-wife." No, Alex -- actually, that's his present wife. Do what you're going to do, but don't tell yourself falsehoods, my dear. Here, we get the Alex and Tara Looove Parade, in which they touch and flirt and pretty much get pinned right in front of her husband. Classy. "I haven't been with Wil for two years," she interviews self-righteously, "so he's got to suck it up." Take note of the unseemly fact that Tara is enjoying her situation immensely. Seeing this, don't you wish there were some kind of legal process that existed so that people who were married but wanted to leave that relationship and go back to dating could, I don't know, end their marriage or something? We should invent that. Women like Tara should not be made to suffer like this in a situation over which they have no control.
That entire sequence was completely nauseating.
Blake is shopping for jewelry, and Paige is gently trying to rein in the spending. He relents. Elsewhere, the Fruit voices over that she and Mary disagree on "just about everything," as she ponders a pair of pants. Peach says that Mary is "thrifty" because she's the middle child. Is that a middle-child quality? I'm confused. ["I believe middle children are generally considered steady and responsible; I guess 'thrifty' would follow from that." -- Sars] The pants are cute, though -- sort of a cream-colored peasant thing with embroidery or appliqué or something around the waist. The Fruit says that Mary wanted her to "barter for them." I hope she brought her Beatles CDs, her Levi's 501s, and her autographed picture of Bob Hope, then, because barter means "trade," not "negotiate price." When Peach doesn't haggle to Mary's satisfaction, though, Mary pressures her not to buy them. (This appears, incidentally, to be a matter of a thirty-baht difference between the price the woman wanted and the price Mary wanted Peach to negotiate for, which is -- if I'm following -- about sixty-five cents. Do we need a fight over sixty-five cents?) In the cab, they argue. Peach says Mary didn't let her buy the pants. Mary says Peach could have bought them if she wanted to. Peach says she thinks they should agree on spending their joint funds, and she didn't object to what Mary bought, and she doesn't want to "beg" Mary to let her have her damn pants. Mary calls her "dramatic." Bicker, fight, snipe. In an interview later, Mary says that Peach gets this way from time to time when she's tired and frustrated, and Mary overlooks it. Peach feels like she can't do anything right. Well, if they need a bonding activity, they could always look up the word "barter."
Bunching Train to Chiang Mai. It's apparently very, very hot, and there's no air conditioning on the train. Train boarding, blah blah blah. As Cha-Cha-Cha boards, Oswald interviews that "five-star hotels are worth every penny that you pay for them," and that the race has made him realize how much he likes them. He says that he almost bolted altogether when he heard about the fifteen-hour train ride. Danny interviews that Oswald is really unhappy, and that although Danny doesn't want to quit, he can't make Oswald race if he doesn't want to. Very true, wise Cha-Cha-Cha.
Commercials. Drink Red Bull, and never sleep again.
Slow Train to Chiang Mai. No one particularly is enjoying the train. "Bad," says Peach. "Nightmare," Alex opines. "Horrible," Tara adds. On the upside, Tara mentions that they met "the cutest Chinese boy ever." Apparently, she deduced that the kid was Chinese through her contact with him, because Tara and Wil have spent enough time in this country that I'm thinking she knows that people who live in Thailand aren't Chinese. The Weasel, finally having located someone he can relate to on a comparable level of maturity, has a great time playing with this little kid on the train. "At the beginning, we were actually getting along better than ever, but now I have no idea." I certainly hope she's not implying that she's still attempting to save her marriage, because if she is? First of all, I can't imagine why, considering that they obviously don't like each other. Second of all, it might help if she weren't dating. Jiminy.
Miserable racers sleeping on the train. Oswald and Danny wake up in the morning and roll their clothes, Guido-style. They tell the story in an interview of how Danny basically said to Oswald that if he wanted to quit, they could quit. This outpouring of affection (not to mention, I'm sure, the attention to his feelings) made Oswald feel much better, and he says he found himself with "tons of energy" after the horrible train ride. No quitting for Oswald.
At 5:50 AM, the train pulls into Chiang Mai. The teams de-train, and it's a mad, bad, hat-clad dash for taxis. The Teeth get out early, and Mary and the Fruit look to share a cab with Cha-Cha-Cha. In the shared Fruit-Cha cab, Oswald says, "If we're gonna go down, we're gonna go down in flames, baby!" Um, yep.
Thunk finds a cab, and the all-powerful, all-idiot Taraweasel/Boston crowd finally finds one. Once they're on the road, Thunk's driver floors it and zips right past the Adultery Alliance. The Adultery Alliance's driver sucks, which is excellent. I am highly amused. , Blake and Paige are handed off by one driver to another, while things have come to a screeching halt for the AAlliance. It sounds like the issue is directions, but Wil just keeps yelling, "Fast!" You're a big help, there, Weasel.
Over in the Thunk cab, Gary notes that this driver is the first one they've had in days to whom they have successfully conveyed the fact that they're in a hurry. I think it's more likely that this is the first one who's cared, but whatever. Fruit-Cha stops at a 7-Eleven (no, really, an actual 7-Eleven) to get some chips and, I would certainly hope, a Slurpee. Because if you leave a 7-Eleven without a Slurpee or a Big Gulp, they send the police. All I really see is that Oswald has some chips, so I hope he's enjoying them until his inevitable arrest.
The teams approach the famous Old Bridge just as it gets light. Chip stop notwithstanding, Cha-Fruit seem to be first to arrive, alongside Gary and Dave. They rip open the clue, and it's this week's Detour. In case you didn't realize that a Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons, Phil is there to remind you. Thank you, Phil! This week, in "Boat or Beast," the teams have to decide whether to float a mile and a half downriver on a bamboo raft, which they have to steer with big long poles, or to ride elephants. Phil intimates that rafting takes skill, but that elephants are kind of slow, and we get a nice shot of Elmore the Elephant (Ernie's cousin), looking at the camera like, "Yeah, talk down to me, little host-man. I'll crack you open like a peanut."
Everybody picks the raft. Is it wrong that as Blake gets dirtier and scruffier, I come closer to understanding how, in a hypothetical universe, someone might find him hot? I am really a bad, bad person. Cha-Cha-Cha takes a few minutes to get untied, so as we start off, it's Gary and Dave, Mary and the Fruit, the Teeth, and Danny and Oswald, in that order. Mary and the Fruit kick butt at the rafting once they get the hang of it, and they start to gain ground on Thunk.
The AAlliance is having a little trouble finding where they need to be. Ha!
As Mary and Peach haul ass down the river, Peach takes a dive and lands on her face (on the raft, not in the water, at least). In an interview, Mary says that when the Fruit wiped out, Mary was afraid she'd just burst into tears and freak out, but she didn't. She just got up and kept going. Go, Fruit! Danny is not so lucky, and does fall in the water, but he gets back on the raft and gets going as well.
Ah, here's that AAlliance. They pick the boat, too. Incidentally, Chris is now wearing a dumb knit hat as well.
And now, the Thunk/Mary-Fruit boat race. Thunk is ahead, but Mary and the Fruit continue to gain. As they pull alongside, Peach yells, "This is a crucial moment! As women!" That's kind of dopey, but I liked it anyway. "We got passed by a couple of girls!" Gary yells after Mary and the Fruit pretty much blow right by them. You bet your ass, Woody.
The Teeth and Cha-Cha-Cha are rafting right together when suddenly Cha-Cha-Cha just grinds to a halt, evidently stuck on some kind of an obstruction in the river. As the Teeth speed away from them, Danny jumps off and drags the boat to freedom. "I think that I have a real butch bone in my body," he interviews. I'm not sure I think that move was all that butch, but, you know, okay.
And now, one of my favorite moments of the week: Tara and Wil are in last place. That's right, baby. LAST PLACE! They conk into a bridge. Hee. "Can I get up there and you get back here, 'cause you're weak," he creeps. In an interview, Tara explains that Wil had a little trouble with the law of physics stating that if you push on the boat from the right side, it's going to go left. By way of illustration, we see Wil run her right into a tree, at which point she tells him he's an idiot. Quite honestly, at this point, I just despise them both. "You're gonna learn one day that you can't take everything out on me," Wil bitches. I'm speechless, Wil, truly. You ASSHOLE. Oh, look -- I'm not speechless after all. "If the communication seems to be going the way it's going," Wil incomprehensibly interviews, "then we're going to lose." From your lips to God's ears, baby.
Commercials. Buy Propel "fitness water," because America's primary fitness issue is that the water we drink lacks vitamins.
More rowing. Mary and the Fruit land first; they park their boat, and Mary climbs up over the bank. She then reaches down, grabs the Fruit by the hand, and flings her up and over into the grass. It's very impressive, really. I would hate to be the mugger who picked on Mary. I think you'd find yourself hanging upside-down from a tree with your underwear stuffed down your throat. They find their spoon-fed transportation, which is an SUV with a clue leading them to Maeping Village. Phil explains that the village they're headed for serves as a "home for elephants that take part in local religious ceremonies." So it's like Elephant Camp. Excellent.
"Come on, G, we money, we money, we money!" Dave Vince-Vaughns as he runs up to the SUV with Gary trailing. In the Mary-Fruit cab, the Fruit is really enjoying having passed Thunk on the raft. "Sweet, baby," she comments. The Teeth land , followed by Cha-Cha-Cha. "The last time I got this wet," Oswald says thoughtfully, and then leaves the perfect pregnant pause before finishing, "I wasn't rowing." Heh.
It turns out that some of the navigation here is being done with a compass, and Peach notes that she's happy that Mary can handle it, because "the only compass [the Fruit] can read is the direction-finder at the mall." Not that that's really a compass, but I'll let it slide. I can, however, totally see the Fruit at Orange Julius.
Bringing up the rear are Boston and Taraweasel. The Weasel notes that they're the last two teams, but Alex insists in the Boston SUV that they can't be the last two teams. Boston proceeds to wait for Taraweasel (seriously -- what morons). Boston cannot accept their situation with regard to last place.
In the Thunk SUV, Gary asks Dave (who's driving) to "keep it at seventy." You'll recall that they did just get a time penalty for speeding last week, so this seems like a reasonable enough request. Nevertheless, Dave doesn't like it. "Break your record, and play another one," he says, not quite hitting a funny line, then yelling, "Gary, SHUT UP!" "You can yell and I can't say anything?" Gary whines. Dave says that yelling is the only way to get Gary to hear him. "How do I tell you something?" Dave asks. "Send me an email," Gary replies. Sigh.
In their SUV, the Teeth surmise that Oswald and Danny are probably "wet and miserable," and then we cut directly to Cha-Cha-Cha, doing just fine on the drive. (Those funny editors are at it again.) Elsewhere, Taraweasel passes Boston, which Chris takes to mean that Wil and Tara are trying to be helpful because they know where they're going. I take out a two-by-four and address it to Chris and Alex. On it, I write, "Hit yourself with this until you figure out that as soon as he gets a chance, Wil is going to knock you in the dirt." I send it Air Express.
Mary and the Fruit are the first to arrive at the Roadblock. The task this week is to wash an elephant. The elephants have "traditional markings" on them in what looks like chalk, and the Racers have to get the markings off. Their clue will be given to them by the "elephant master." Isn't that the brother of that guy in the upcoming movie starring The Rock? Mary takes the Roadblock and plunges right into the elephant cleaning. She seems to kind of enjoy it. "I'm scrubbin' an elephant," she says with some satisfaction.
Dave takes the task for Thunk. He attempts to negotiate with the elephant. "Be nice, I'm good guy [sic]," he says. He then offers peanuts. Heh. The Teeth show up, and because Paige doesn't want to get wet (eye roll), Blake takes it -- once he hikes up his pants, which are severely falling down.
Mary finishes first, and grabs the clue, which tells the teams to go to the pit stop, which is at Karen Village. (Doesn't that sound like someone's online journal? "Welcome to Karen Village, where the big news is that I broke up with Todd because he is SUCH an a**!") Dave is close behind. Mary and Peach take the time to holler at Thunk as they scream off in their SUV. You know, now that these girls are having such a good time, they're giving Cha-Cha-Cha a run for their money as my favorite team. Back at the elephants, Blake is still working. "There's a little on the butt, there's a little on the butt!" Paige screams at him. That's sort of disturbing, in a way I can't really put my finger on. The elephant helpfully takes a large dump on Blake's feet. You know, a world in which poo isn't funny might be a more sophisticated world, but it would be a far, far sadder world. Blake grabs his clue and gets going.
Cha-Cha-Cha pull into Elephantville just as the Teeth are leaving. Blake comments that, other than the poo, the elephant-washing was "tons of fun." I think he may not be entirely sincere. Oswald takes the Roadblock for Cha-Cha-Cha, and gets right to washing the elephant. He explains that he once took a tour of Nepal, and declined an opportunity for elephant-washing because he was "too much of a diva," so he's happy to have a second shot at it. He does just fine, and they clear out for the pit stop. As they drive along, Oswald comments that he's "feeling competitive again." Goooooo, Oswald!
Taraweasel and Boston make it to the elephants, and Wil and Alex are called. Alex plunges in, but Wil proceeds to unleash the most prissy display of elephant-washing that the world has ever known. He gingerly dabs at the elephant with a brush, his competitive spirit apparently sapped by the prospect of touching something dirty. What a baby. Chris tells Alex to "use the loofah," while Wil continues to try to do it mostly by splashing water at the elephant. Tara tells him he actually needs to wash it by touching it, and he reluctantly does. (Incidentally, the best thing about Wil in this sequence is that after three long episodes, he has taken The Hat off.) They both finish at last, and get on their way to the pit stop.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Gary and Dave fight. Peach gags. Somebody mishandles the Roadblock, and Blake wears a hardhat.