Previously, on Dude, Where's My Wallet?: Teams left the Rio yacht and did a little ass-wiggling with the feather dancers on their way to Iguacu Falls. Not everyone really felt like hang gliding, what with the significant potential for plunging to your death and the bugs in your teeth and the clinging desperately to your sweaty instructor and everything, but in the end, everybody did it. Even Peggy. Gary did an Official Nerd-o-rific Face-Plant in the sand while attempting to play volleyball, and it's honestly hard to say whether that's more heartbreaking if he did it on purpose or if he didn't. Shola and Doyin burned their Fast Forward, largely to give a rest to their injured extremities, and then they went straight to the "jungle camp" pit stop. Speaking of which, Phil just could not stop saying "jungle camp." A very, very, very long bus ride full of flat tires, mechanical difficulties, and map-copying intrigue served to shuffle the deck to the point where Hope and Norm, recently in the middle of the pack but now aced out by the impoverished but undeterred Blake and Paige, were eliminated. A half-assed alliance began to form between Team Boston and Tarawil, but Wil seemed about as interested in maintaining it as he is in shirts without nauseating flowery patterns on them. Peggy and Claire avoided being eliminated, although they certainly didn't avoid talking about being eliminated until their lips turned blue and fell off. Now with nine teams left, Phil wonders who will be eliminated tonight.
Credits. Sing along, won't you? "Skate! Surf! Glide! Or take a ta-xi ride! There is a place! To! Go! You fell behind? Oh! No!...Take! Your! Time! The bunching is! Su-blime! You'll catch up then! Don't take...too long...that would...be wrong...so wrong...Time! Has! Come! To shout out where! Phil's! From! New Zealand! [BOMP.]"
We open this week with stunning establishing shots of Iguacu Falls, provided by cameramen who are slightly less drunk than usual. The budget for booze and speed for the entire production staff appears to have been reduced this season, actually, because as a general matter, I don't find myself going through quite as much Dramamine as I did in the fall. Phil explains that Iguacu Falls is three times the width of Niagara, although I'm sure Iguacu would ask him to clarify that at this scale, the camera adds a thousand pounds. In reminding us where we are, Phil says "jungle camp" yet again, which leads me to believe it is definitely some kind of CIA code word, and that every time he says it, an undercover agent in France nods gravely, puffs his cigar, and uses a satellite to beam out digital video of international bureaucratic underlings visiting strip clubs. Anyway, over film of Peggy and Claire not being eliminated (much to their most tiresome surprise), Phil explains that everyone is resting here at the you-know-what pit stop. Wil taking a shower. Alex taking a shower. Wow, reality television hasn't offered this much footage of wet soapy men since Making the Band. There's also a great shot of Tara and Alex talking, with Gary over to the side. It gives me a total Breakfast Club library vibe, like they're about to ask Gary why he needs a fake ID, and he's going to say it's so he can vote. Phil tells us that the teams have to figure things out for themselves, route markers, red and yellow McFlags, yakkety yak. You know, now I'm not sure these are different Exposition Hands. The shape of those oddly hairless thumbs with their perfectly manicured thumbnails is familiar. They may just have lost weight.
10:34 PM. Good evening, Team Xerox. The clue tells them to take a trail from the camp to a waiting cab that will in turn take them to the airport, where they're to fly to Cape Town, South Africa via Sao Paolo. Once in Cape Town, they will need to find the cell where Nelson Mandela was held. You know, they seem to be handing the teams their cabs on a silver platter -- they did this with the last leg, too. I'm not happy about this, because there's not nearly as much potential for cab-related conflict, which was one of our best sources of drama and pettiness last time around. Where would we have been without the EDG Bust-Up, Amie and Light Hair's Fat-Bitch Smackdown, and Paul's Angry Cluttering Of The French Countryside? That's not even mentioning the reported (but not shown) Fratsquire Shouting Match. I'm not sure they should make it this easy -- it gives me a sinking feeling that it's part of a dumbing-down of a race that's always played to intelligence in the past. Anyway, off goes Xerox in the direction of the spoon-fed cabs. Phil repeats the clue as usual, in case you were reading or drinking or making out with your boyfriend while Xerox was reading it to you. Thank you so much, Phil. I never know when I might want to take a break and...well, drink.
As Team Xerox makes its way out of camp, we go to an interview in which Shola explains that Dad Xerox is from Sierra Leone, so they're feeling terrific about going just about anywhere in Africa. (Granted, where they're going is pretty far away from Sierra Leone, but still, I see his point.) Strangely, I am starting to think I'm going to be able to tell them apart by the time the race is over -- Shola's face is slightly thinner, and his forehead is a little wider than his chin, where Doyin's face is more evenly oval-shaped. I'm probably fooling myself.
10:47 PM. Team Boston. Chris is in a black visor. In a word? Hot. (Just kidding.) He explains that Tara and Wil are the biggest competition Boston has at this point, and that he and Alex are "really good on the road," so teaming up makes all kinds of sense. Wait a minute, why was that again? Oh, I know. Because keeping Tarawil close provides a good view of Tara's ass. Whatever. Boston is coming dangerously close to busting my eye-roll quotient for the season, and we've barely begun.
Also at 10:47, Tarawil. Wil honestly could not look more like a tool if he had a drill bit coming out of the top of his head. He's wearing a pink embroidered peasant-chic shirt, khaki shorts, and a white bucket hat with a yellow stripe around it. Frankly, nothing in this outfit is able to peacefully coexist with anything else in this outfit. The hat wants to have its picture taken with its wife and children in front of the Liberty Bell before hopping on the interstate for the long drive back to its home in Myrtle Beach. The shorts want to put on a white button-down shirt and go to the company barbecue, where they will spend most of the day flirting with everyone else's girlfriend, having too much to drink, and getting into arguments about Derek Jeter. The shirt wants to smoke large amounts of pot, plop its ass in a beanbag chair, and discuss its plans for the world's first environmentally friendly, naturopath-approved, community-based ramen outlet store. There is no common ground. At any rate, Chris voices over about "keeping your enemies close," and says that "at the end," the alliance will have to come to a halt. Ah, perhaps even sooner than that, my neckless petunia.
As Tarawil gets in a cab, Wil says "rápido" to the driver. Yes, again. I know -- it's a wonder they're still alive.
Xerox makes it to the airport first. The ticket agent breaks the news that they're not getting anywhere until tomorrow morning. Welcome to The Really Big Brazilian Bunching -- have a cocktail and feel free to enjoy the floor show, because we're going to be here for a while.
12:14 AM. Mary and the Fruit read the clue. The Fruit's hair has now gone entirely anti-gravity, and is poofed up in the general direction of the North Star. She's also wearing a shirt with a "1" made out of an American flag pattern. Ah, yes. Patriotism: It's the new black. They're also both wearing their sunglasses on the tops of their heads, despite the fact that it's not going to be light outside for about six hours. As they run toward the cab, the Fruit voices over that "the fear of the unknown definitely frightens [her]" (well, Fruit, fear frightens us all), but she's going to "hang by [Mary's] coattails" and hope for the best. Mary says "rápido" to her driver, too.
12:17 AM. Gary and Dave. Gary explains in an interview that he and Dave are not brilliant. I take out a pen and check this off my list of Things I Already Knew, But Thanks Anyway. He says they'll have to use their "very small skills to climb this very tall mountain." Rock on, Peggy Wood. They run through the jungle.
12:22 AM. Jeebus. Russell explains that he and Cyndi are both winners, because they'd never sacrifice their integrity for a million dollars, and so they're going to be themselves, bleh. Wake me up when they stop talking.
1:14 AM. Cha-Cha-Cha on the mat. Danny notes that the experience thus far has "humbled [him]," because the competition is so tough. As they walk up the path, Danny wonders aloud what their strategy should be, and Oswald says their strategy will be to get there before anybody else. Heh. If anyone present knows any reason why I should not marry Oswald, speak now or forever hold your peace. I'm sorry, what was that? Oh. Well, does anybody know any other reasons?
2:40 AM is the Groanies' departure time, and it's coming and going without their being on the mat. Interestingly enough, as the camera zooms in on their tent, you can faintly hear an alarm clock going off. Of course, it makes no sense that they would have set their alarm for their departure time, so either the cutters are screwing with us and it's not really 2:40, or it's not really their alarm clock going off. Incidentally, the Groanies said on The Early Show that they shared their tent with Blake and Paige, and they all but accused Blake of turning off their alarm so they'd miss their departure time. I don't care for that at all, because they don't seem to have any proof, given that they were asleep the whole time. All we see is Blake, outside their tent looking in, and then walking away from the front of the tent as he voices over that they weren't awake, and he saw that they weren't, and he went back to sleep. I'll give you my guess if they really did share a tent: the alarm went off, and Blake woke up, but the Groanies didn't. He exited the tent to pee or something, and when he got back, he was surprised to see that they were still asleep, so he didn't even unzip the tent and go back in, because he not only didn't want to intentionally wake them up, he didn't want to accidentally wake them up either, so he just walked away from the tent and went and snoozed in the grass or something. It's just a guess. I usually find out later that I'm wrong about these things, but that's what I'm thinking.
Oh, and one more thing. Remember what happened last week, when Peggy engaged in a little unseemly glee about Blake losing the wallet? Remember how we called it "What Goes Around"? Well here it is, Coming Around. Don't let it whap you in the ass on its way by.
Around 3:00 AM, Claire wakes up and mutters, "The alarm didn't go off." I would point out that I have been known to sleep through my alarm and turn my alarm off without actually waking up on many occasions, so I think Claire is jumping to conclusions in saying that it didn't go off. Furthermore, as I said, I think we may have even heard it go off. They hustle out of bed and get ready to go. Blake interviews that he doesn't feel guilty about not waking them up because, after all, it's a race. He has a point. Look, nobody is obligated to wake anybody else up, any more than anybody is obligated to, say, loan anybody else money for the bus when they lose their wallet. Nothing to be ashamed of, Blake -- especially when you're in last place. Peggy and Claire end up on the mat at 3:17 AM, almost 40 minutes after their scheduled departure time. As they walk along the path, they complain that Blake and Paige are probably happy that they overslept. What a couple of sour lemons the Groanies are this morning.
3:35 AM. Blake and Paige. Now how do I describe what Blake is wearing? Perhaps "freakishly overgrown prep schoolboy" is the look he's going for. Beige button-down shirt. Multicolored wacky tie. Blue blazer. Shorts. Olive green baseball hat that says "Team Mycoskie." (Their last name.) No, really, that's what he's wearing. I cannot imagine what possessed him to bring a blazer on this trip, but I sincerely hope he didn't substitute it for...well, anything else he could have brought with him, because almost anything else he could have brought would have been more useful, including an equivalent amount of empty space, which would at least not weigh anything. Seriously, it may not make a big difference, but his having that ridiculously inappropriate attire with him suggests to me a lack of seriousness and strategic thinking. The Guidos had some goofy ideas about monogrammed outfits, but it was all useful, practical clothing underneath. They might have wished for a few of their perfectly-cut suits, but they didn't actually bring them. Anyway, they open the clue, and Paige says in an interview that she was thrilled, because she's "always wanted to go to South Africa." I am distracted by the fact that I cannot believe I have to continue to watch Blake in this goofy tie. (True Story Break: My friend The Professor went to a new job and was told that Friday was Funny Tie Day around the department. "Do you have any goofy ties?", asked one friendly woman. He paused, and then said, "Um, I have two ties with Goofy on them.")
At the airport, all the teams are waiting for flights to Sao Paolo. Gary informs Blake and Paige that they can't fly till morning, and that no one has left yet. I silently beg Gary to have mercy on me and stop wearing that camouflage hat, but then I start thinking about his hair.
The morning comes, and Phil tells us that all nine teams have made it onto two flights out to Sao Paolo, leaving at 6:50 AM and 7:00 AM. Because of this particular piece of bunching, you'll notice that Peggy and Claire's oversleeping has nothing to do with anything that happens from here out. From the perspective of evaluating their play and their prospects for the future if they had continued, oversleeping was a giant screw-up, and it probably got their day off to a terrible, stressful start, but it was entirely without consequence in an actual cause-and-effect analysis in terms of lost time.
At 7:50 AM, everyone except Boston and Tarawil arrives in Sao Paolo to start the endless Airport Shuffle for Cape Town. Shortly thereafter, the Boston/Tarawil alliance touches down. Cyndi explains that it was a "mad dash" all over the place looking for flights. Inside the airport, Mary and the Fruit are told that there's no room on some airline's flight to Cape Town, not even the day. Elsewhere, Claire is told that a Swissair flight is "foolly-foolly booked." Blake and Paige bang on the door of a closed South African Airlines office. No one emerges to help them, but in the meantime, a brief cooperative spirit emerges between Xerox and Jeebus, who agree to split their efforts at checking for space.
Xerox, Jeebus, and the Groanies all eventually converge on the ticket counter at American Airlines (Official Airline Of Having Its Name Mentioned). Blake and Paige are going there too, to try for a connection between Johannesburg and Cape Town. Seeing Blake and Paige coming, the Groanies intentionally spread out to block the counter. When they get there, Peggy says to them very snottily that Jeebus/Xerox have been here an hour, and when they're done, the Groanies will be occupying the staff for an hour after that, so Blake and Paige can just wait and "be in laaaahne." It occurs to me that unless Blake and Paige have done a lot of things we haven't seen, this attitude is entirely uncalled for. Anyway, when Blake and Paige see a staff person there who isn't doing anything, they go up and ask her to help them. Peggy sees this and mutters to Xerox, "They're just going ahead of us." Now Cyndi gets into the act, leaning forward on the counter, peeking down to the end, and saying to Blake and Paige, "Hey, you guys want to hold up? Hey, group down there?" She's irked also.
Okay, I see absolutely nothing wrong with what Blake and Paige did here, for several reasons. First, although I'm pro-politeness, I don't think the need for it extends so far that it prevents you from approaching an available airline employee if the other teams aren't choosing to approach her. Second, if Peggy thinks they're butting in line, she needs to take it up with the ticket agent. She can go over to the lady who Blake and Paige are talking to and say, "We were here first, Madame Customer Non-Service, and we are entitled to be served before the Wonder Twins over there, so get your little fingers typing away at that keyboard and get me on a damn flight before I pelt you with a rapid-fire helping of iron-fortified calcium-enriched One-A-Day Vitamins." More generally, it's a damn race, and everyone in it is an adult. Hand-holding is right out, and the whiners need to suck it up.
I also have to say that I was shocked to hear these teams talking about standing at the same ticket counter for hours. I think if you trace the course of this episode, you'll see that this is a mistake -- you don't camp out at one counter and hope for the best. If you're not going to get any help for an hour and a half (which is how long Peggy says they waited before Blake and Paige "cut in line" or whatever), you go somewhere else and look, it would seem to me.
It's more fun to complain, though, I guess. In an interview, Claire says that Blake and Paige are "playing the game, but it's sort of ticking off some of the other contestants." Apparently the teams have all become responsible for protecting each other's place in line now. How adorably antithetical to the entire point of this show.
Anyway, apropos of nothing, back at the counter, Cyndi says she wishes she weren't so short. Claire tells her she's "a pretty feisty short lady." Ooookay. Blake and Paige, meanwhile, look like they got some kind of ticket from American, but he says in an interview that they didn't, so it's hard to tell. Xerox seems to be gone, and Jeebus has gotten a shot at a flight. They dash off, with Cyndi saying, "Glory to God." I'm sorry, but I still say God doesn't care whether you make the flight, and in fact, I'm kind of irked that you'd ask Him, with Him being so busy these days.
At 5:45 PM (note that it took all day), Shola and Doyin take off for Cape Town via London. Their tickets are confirmed all the way through to the end of the route. Cyndi and Russell are taking the same flight to London, but their London-to-Capetown leg isn't confirmed yet -- they're on standby. Following along so far?
Mary and the Fruit are having a heck of a time. Mary voices over that they thought the beach was bad, and then they thought the bus was bad, and now they think the airport is the worst yet. The Fruit pushes the luggage cart down the corridor with Mary riding on the front -- aww. Then, in what I think is actually a great shot, we see Mary facing a wall with her hands against it, standing very still, leaning on her forehead. I know that exact moment. That's the "I can't get anything to work, but if I freak out, it's going to get worse, so I have to just stand here and take five deep breaths before I lose my temper or burst into tears" moment, and she is doing just the right thing. In the foreground of the same shot, the Fruit says Mary is "losin' it," but what she's actually doing is hanging on to it. They get a flight, and somewhat surprisingly, when the flight finally goes through, Mary is sitting on the floor with her chin in her hand, and it's the Fruit who's all over the ticket agent guy. Go, Fruit! Once the tickets are secured, the Fruit suggests that while they're waiting, she can get her nails done and Mary can get a beer so they'll both feel better. Hee. Their route takes them through both Milan and London, and they leave at 9:40 PM.
Gary and Dave tell us the airport is "completely dysfunctional." They have spent, as Dave explains, about six hours running from counter to counter and getting turned down. (I'd point out that as much of a pain as that was, it's going to work out better for them than it did for people who sat at American for hours.) They finally get a flight at 9:45 PM, connecting through Lisbon and London. Approximately the same quality of flight plan as Mary and the Fruit, I'd say, and almost exactly the same departure time.
Oswald and Danny find a ticket agent at Varig (the only other airline that's really identifiable in all this mess) who wants to give them an extra hand because they're the only team that was polite and calm in asking for help. They leave at 11:00 PM, with only one stopover in London.
Peggy and Claire, after doing a lot of "traipsing," leave at 11:10, and here's their flight plan: Sao Paolo to New York. New York to London. London to Johannesburg. Johannesburg to Cape Town. Ugh. I cannot believe they couldn't find a single European city where they could connect to London. Given the fact that several other teams got to London directly and two others took two different connecting routes there (Milan and Lisbon), I cannot believe they couldn't have done anything except go through New York. You can tell that the Groanies' route isn't a good one, because the Amazing Yellow Line tracing their journey doesn't even make it any farther than New York before the Amazing World Map disappears. Everyone else's line at least gets to London before they cut away.
Boston and Tarawil are having a very bad time with flights. They seem to be using the phone to call around instead of going counter-to-counter. The two teams are arguing, they're not getting anywhere, and they're blaming each other. Wil abruptly bails on the alliance, and he and Tara bolt. Chris is frustrated that it's taking so long to get things straightened out, but just like it does in what I suspect are all of Chris's favorite movies, help comes in the form of "two really hot girls," as he puts it, who help them with their flight at last. (This is Varig again, the same airline that helped Cha-Cha-Cha, and one of the girls is the one they showed giving Cha the good flight for being sweet and polite.) As they leave, Chris tells one of them he's in love with her. She grimaces in an attempt to smile politely. It's written all over her face and echoes in the minds of women everywhere: "Shut up, Chipster." They leave at 11:25 PM, with a connection in Frankfurt.
Tarawil does some more begging, also at Varig, and they wind up on an 11:40 PM flight to London, along with Blake and Paige. Tarawil is confirmed to Cape Town, but Blake and Paige are not -- they're on standby on the connecting flight. Interestingly enough, if this is shown in order, Boston charmed those "really hot girls" so much that the girls didn't actually give them the best possible flight, because the guy at the same airline did significantly better for Tarawil a little bit later. Working The Airport: A Mysterious Art Indeed.
From Heathrow to Cape Town, Tarawil winds up on the same flight as Danny and Oswald and Gary and Dave. This makes a certain amount of sense given the above descriptions of flight patterns, as well as the fact that Cha-Cha-Cha and Tarawil used the same airline (presumably Gary and Dave used Varig also, even though you couldn't see the signs). One thing is rather mystifying, though: the fate of Xerox. For some reason, Xerox had the earlier Sao Paolo-London flight (by almost five hours), but got hosed with a significantly later London-Cape Town flight. It's hard to explain -- it looks like it was a different airline (they seemed to be arranging through American, as did Jeebus and the Groanies) -- but it's strange, all right. Furthermore, note that Mary and the Fruit's connecting pattern through Milan seems to have taken a crucial bit longer than Gary and Dave's through Lisbon -- it looks from the progress of the Amazing Yellow Line like Mary and the Fruit went to Milan first, and then north to London, and then back down to Cape Town, so there's a little bit of doubling back involved. Gary and Dave went up as far as Lisbon, then farther up to London, then down to Cape Town. It works out logically, I think.
Blake and Paige do not get seats on the London-Cape Town flight that Tarawil and company are on, which looks like it happens in part because the connections are so close that there isn't time to wiggle your way in as a standby person -- you have to have your boarding pass and such ahead of time in order to make the flight, which requires having a reservation all the way through. When Blake says they have standby, The Angry Clipped British Airport Voice says, "Well, you're not on then, are you?" Hey! Chill out, Nigel, the kid's just asking.
Commercials. Are you a Hungry Man? If you are, you should eat a pound of frozen processed food so you don't blow away in a stiff wind.
JFK. Peggy and Claire are very, very, very slowly making their way to Cape Town. So far, they're pretty much going in the opposite direction from where they need to go. Again, I would stress that they went all the way to New York just to get to London, which practically every other team -- all of whom got to the airport in Sao Paolo at the same time they did -- managed to do without doing anything remotely this goofy.
Blake and Paige are at Heathrow, hearing that South African Air only has standby available. Xerox and Jeebus are waiting for their London-Cape Town flight. In the end, Xerox gets on with their confirmed tickets, but Cyndi and Russell don't make it on standby, and they're back to square one. (Well, I guess square two. Peggy and Claire are at square one. Or possibly even square negative-one.)
In Frankfurt, Chris and Alex have the opportunity to get a flight to Johannesburg with a connection to Cape Town, which would actually get them to Cape Town a little sooner, but in order to avoid the risk of having the connection go awry, they hang in and wait for the direct flight to Cape Town instead. Probably the right move. Every connection is another opportunity for things to go off the rails, as Peggy and Claire are learning, so it's better to be safe than sorry at this point.
At 7:00 AM, the Cha-Cha-Cha/Tarawil/Gary-and-Dave flight (a Virgin Atlantic plane, actually) touches down in Cape Town. The first task for all of the teams is to get a ferry to Robben Island, where they'll visit the cell where Mandela was held and retrieve the clue. Now, there's been some chatter about whether it was wrong or tacky or disrespectful for the show to go to the cell. I must admit that I had the same thought for a minute, but given the information we get about the island and the prison in this episode, it seems to be treated by the local population as a historic landmark, almost like an old war fort or a monument. It's pretty clearly set up for tourists, and it seems to be mostly educational, not sacred. I agree that it's important to show respect, but I don't think it's in particularly poor taste for them to take the teams there -- certainly no more so than the temples and other sacred places they went to last year. If you're going to see anything worthwhile, you're going to see things that demand respect, so I'm not so troubled.
Anyway, it's morning, and ChaTaGaDa are in their cabs on their way to the ferry. Wil orders the driver to pull out any shortcuts in his "bag of tricks." Please shut up, Wil. Tara explains in an interview that she and Wil are getting along fairly well, which may be because they don't have time to fight. Incidentally, Wil is now wearing a different very ugly shirt, this one with tiny little checks on it. Wil's wardrobe makes my nose twitch.
It looks like Gary and Dave are the first to arrive at the ferry, and they run for it, trying to make the 8:00 AM. It appears, as Dave says, that they miss it by about five seconds or so. Ouch. Ultimately, ChaTaGaDa all wind up on the same 9:00 AM ferry. Wil asks the ferry guy whether he's going to get them there fast. Shut up some more, Wil.
At 9:00 AM, Shola and Doyin's flight lands in Cape Town. Shola explains that he loved being in Africa, that it was a wonderful feeling, and that he is the one with the earring, dammit. (Okay, I added that last part.) They're aiming for the 10:00 ferry, which presumably will mean the same tight timing that ChaTaGaDa experienced with the 7:00 landing and the 8:00 ferry.
Speaking of whom, here are ChaTaGaDa on the boat. When they land at the island, Tara walks with Danny and Wil walks with Oswald. They chat about how interesting the history of the site is. In case you're wondering what the cell looks like when they get there...it's small. Very small. Like, apartment-bathroom small. Think about how old you are. Subtract 18 from your age. Now think about having been in a cell this size since you were that age. Pretty freaky, huh? Much as I regret the fact that the show doesn't have more time for a thorough discussion of the history, they give you enough for a taste. The shot of the cell and the words "eighteen years" are really enough to knock you back, if you're paying attention.
At 9:45 AM, Mary and the Fruit's plane lands (they were on South African Air). Mary very adeptly and correctly states that they're perfectly happy in the middle of the pack, because at this point in the race, as long as you're not last, you're fine. Exactly. This is one of my main race philosophies. Bunching being what it is, it's just not worth a lot of time and energy and money to go for first. Stay out of last place -- that's the name of the game.
Tarawil are first to get the cell clue. It tells them to get a return ferry to Kalk Bay Harbor and look for the McFlag.
Hey, guess what? Shola and Doyin miss the 10:00 ferry by about three steps. I guess now you know how long it takes to land in Cape Town, get out of the airport, and make a ferry to Robben Island -- about an hour and one minute.
On the ferry, Tara and Cha-Cha-Cha discuss how to get to Kalk Harbor once they hit land. They've discovered you can take a train or a taxi. Tara also points out that they're pretty well bunched at this point, so they should help each other out to maximize the space between their bunch and the rest of the teams. Cha-Cha-Cha agrees. At 10:13, they get off the ferry and choose taxis.
10:30 AM, Cape Town airport. Blake and Paige land. Air Travel Fun Fact: Blake and Paige and Cyndi and Russell all flew to London without reservations from London to Cape Town -- with Jeebus arriving in London about six hours earlier. Nevertheless, here are Blake and Paige with no Cyndi and Russell in sight yet. Presumably, Blake and Paige had an advantage in that they found out a little sooner that they weren't to get on standby (since the ChaTaGaDa flight left earlier than the Xerox flight), so that probably helped them out. But Cyndi and Russell just don't seem to be doing all that well at the airport, and it looks like the teams that parked at the American Airlines counter and worked from there (Xerox, Jeebus, and the Groanies) really didn't fare well.
Mary and the Fruit, at 10:52 AM (and thanks, incidentally, to the powerful figures who decided to give us more of the clock this season), need ferry tickets. Mary tells the people in line, very simply, that she's in a race, she's trying to get ahead, and she'd like to cut in line. They let her. Again, because she was honest about it (didn't claim a medical emergency or anything like that), I have no problem with this. No one seems to mind. They wind up on the same ferry as Xerox, and the teams share some friendly high-fives.
In the cell at Robben Island, the Fruit is the one who actually locates the clue. Go, Fruit! Go, Fruit! Go, Fruit! Furthermore, when Xerox shows up, she shows them right where it is. We get, of course, Clue-Cam shots of the teams opening up the little compartment where the clue is -- from the clue's point of view. Meanwhile, Doyin talks about how hard it was to just bolt in and bolt out of such an important, moving place. I can't argue with that. It would certainly be nice for them to have had some time to look around -- of course, I think that about almost every place they visit.
Heathrow. Peggy and Claire have arrived from JFK, and they have a very tight connection to Johannesburg. Claire wants to run for the plane. Peggy says foggily that they have to go through customs. Claire at least would like to make a run for it and find out. Peggy strolls. Never has anyone looked less like she is in a race. At any rate, they get to the gate and are there before the plane leaves -- but they haven't been through security. Can't do it, ladies, not even with cameras following you everywhere. "You've missed it," the clipped gate attendant clips at them. This is certainly the day of having bad news at the airport delivered with a distinct British accent.
Commercials. Eat at McDonalds and go to Walt Disney World. We in America prefer to be well-entertained and swimming in cheeseburgers. It's how we stay strong.
Claire, doing all the work as always, determines that they can go over to another British Airways terminal and continue trying to get to Cape Town.
Meanwhile, Blake and Paige make the ferry. Just as a side note, they look like they're still wearing the clothes from the pit stop, unlike most of the other teams, who have now changed clothes -- in most cases, they've changed twice already. I think this is actually the third day of this leg, because the Sao Paolo-London flight was overnight, and it appears that the London-Cape Town flight was, too. So...yuck, Blake and Paige. If someone had to keep the same clothes on, did it have to mean the continuation of Blake's Dead No-ets Society get-up? In other news, it looks like they pass the Xerox/Mary-and-Fruit boat going the other direction while they're on the way to the island.
Speaking of which, Mary and the Fruit de-boat and go for a taxi. Xerox, continuing their vaguely Esquire-ish ways, allow a local guy to talk them into taking the train to Kalk Bay Harbor. Nooooooo! Not the train! Sigh.
ChaTaGaDa pulls up in their Group Cab to the harbor, where a bunch of dancers are doing a joyful boogie on the sidewalk for change. Someone remarks that it's the Village People, which, aside from the hardhats, it isn't really at all. This week's Detour is "Dance or Deliver." Their choices are to dance with the troupe and then pass the hat and ask for money (they need to earn about $2.50 in tips), or to move 275 pounds of fish from a boat to a couple of big scales. Damn -- I'm a terrible dancer, but I still know what I'd pick. Wil initially wants to do the fish. Danny and Oswald? Not so much. Danny says, "We don’t want to carry fish, baby." Oswald agrees. In an interview, he points out that fish-carrying, in addition to being hard work, makes you smell like fish. So...no. Furthermore, they have to earn practically nothing dancing. Tara notices this, too, and she and Wil go for the dance, as do Gary and Dave.
Happy dancing sequence. Tara seems to take to it the most naturally. Wil? No. Dave? Eh. In an interview, Oswald officially delivers the First Belly Laugh Of TAR2: "I loved the dancing. I felt like I was doing the Irish Riverdance on crack." Hee! Anyway, everybody dances, everybody begs, and everybody makes it pretty easily. I would also mention that the dancing outfits they made them wear (colorful jumpsuits and black boots, basically) are apparently very small, because the shoes don't fit anyone (Dave says he "can't feel his feet") and the clothes don't either. Most of the teams just let the outfits hang around their waists. They must have been expecting some very small people to show up for this part of the Race. Gary refers to the boots as "South African dominatrix shoes." Oh, all right. Snerk.
The clue (and frankly, since the clues stopped saying things like "smoke that thunders" and "something monumental" and started saying "take this form of transportation to this location, dimwit," I feel a little funny calling them "clues" instead of "instructions") tells them to take a train to Cape Town station, and then find a taxi to Langa Township and the Paradise Hair Salon. ChaTaGaDa make a train to Cape Town almost immediately.
Meanwhile, Blake and Paige get the clue in the cell, and they're off.
ChaTaGaDa get to the station and climb into a taxi headed for Langa Township. When they get there, a kid on a bike points the taxi to the Hair Salon. They find the McFlag and read the clue -- it's this week's Roadblock. As Phil explains, the chosen sucker has to do several things on this Roadblock. They have to find the way to a place where they can buy some Epsom salts and a "smiley," which is a roasted sheep's head. And it looks...well, a lot like a roasted sheep's head just looking right back at you. Then you find a particular local healer, and you give him the smiley "as an offering," and he uses the Epsom salts to make you a really, really nasty drink that you have to drink all of. The Roadblock is a lot like being initiated into a fraternity sometimes.
The clue tells the team that the taker of the Roadblock should have "a strong sense of direction and a strong stomach." Oswald takes it for Cha-Cha-Cha. Gary tells us that his stomach is the strongest part of his body. Um, heh. Wil takes it, over what are obviously Tara's non-objections.
Oswald takes what is more than obviously the just-right approach, which is to befriend a local guy and ask him to help find all of the various places Oswald needs to go. The guy he finds looks like a guy you could meet in any of hundreds of cities in the world -- gray pants, red shirt, baseball cap. He and Oswald take off walking and talking. I think he tells Oswald to call him "Timmy," and if he doesn't, that's what I'm calling him anyway, because he's Timmy to me. Timmy asks Oswald where he's from, and when Oswald says he's from Cuba, asks him why he left. "Because of...the government," Oswald says simply. He asks Timmy what he does in town, and Timmy says he's looking for work. As they walk around, Oswald voices over that a person is a person wherever you go, and if you just approach them with friendship, they'll usually help you out. Right on, Oswald. He promises Timmy they're going to have fun.
Gary is walking with some little kids who are trying to explain what a smiley is. "Meat?" Gary asks. "It's...it's my head," one of the kids says, rubbing his smooth scalp. Gary looks flummoxed. Tara yells out to a departing Wil that a smiley is a sheep's scalp, which is not quite so precisely accurate, but whatever. Wil says he doesn't care, he's going on his mission. Snore.
One look at a smiley getting hacked in half makes Gary jump back and gasp. "Where's PETA when you need them?" he asks. Um...heh again, actually, just a little. , the teams buy their Epsom salts, and then it's on to the step. Oswald and Timmy are the first to make it all the way to the healer. Oswald pauses in the doorway. "May I come in?" He is waved inside. The healer prepares Oswald's potion just as Gary and Wil arrive. Oswald finishes it, and sort of makes a "nyuh" shuddering noise. The healer acknowledges that it's very bitter. But then, aren't we all? He gives Oswald the clue.
up, Gary and Wil clink glasses and drink the potion. Wil's is apparently a fast-acting dickweed potion (not that he needs one), because upon finishing it, he stands up and starts doing some kind of a fierce bitter-fluid-drinking wrestler imitation. Gary wants to know if there's mouthwash available. On his way out, he tells the camera that the guy gave him what tasted like "a combination of Clorox bleach and mouthwash." (THUNK.) Now see? He was mugging again, and look where he ended up. Furthermore, that line is flawed according to some pretty basic rules of joke mechanics, so he was doomed from the beginning.
Wil thinks the potion had something to do with "juice with a...weird foot on the bottom of it." A foot? The hell? All the Roadblockers return to the hair salon, triumphant. Os gives Timmy a good handshake, Dave tells Gary that he's a warrior now, and Tara actually screams, "Weasel!" when she sees Wil -- hey, just like Sars and I do! Speaking of the Weasel, he interviews that he's proud they're working so well together. Yawn. "I love her," he says, suddenly doing better. But then he says that "she's awesome." Wow, if that's the best you can come up with as a compliment for your wife, you'd better be stoned. In which case, if that "foot juice" comment is any indication, Wil may be all right.
The clue tells them to take a township taxi to the pit stop. Phil explains that they're going to Lanzerac Manor, a ritzy estate in South African wine country. (I'll admit it -- I didn't even know there was South African wine country, although I've been known to drink fairly bad wine, so it's logical that I wouldn't.) As the drunken cameramen careen around, we see that the place is very beautiful, particularly all festooned with McFlags. Phil reminds us, in case we've forgotten, that the last team to arrive will be eliminated.
Kalk Bay Harbor, Mary and the Fruit. They dance. The Fruit completely cracks me up -- she does a little hands-in-the-air "woooo!" that has really nothing to do with the dance and everything to do with just being the Fruit. Being the Fruit is a state of mind. It's a way of life. It's very nearly a political party. Somehow, a number of the contestants are all growing on me simultaneously. How did this happen?
On the topic of teams that are not growing on me, at the Cape Town airport, Chris and Alex are getting off the plane. Alex interviews that this is the first time they've been behind, and they "have some serious time to make up." Yep, I'd say so. He says they live on pressure, and adds, "Bring it." I waggle my head and say, "Oh, it's already broughten." And then I laugh, because I am a dork.
More from the Cape Town airport. At 1:30 PM, Team Jeebus gets off the plane. "What are you doing?" Russell snaps as they walk out of the airport. "What?" Cyndi asks him. "What are you going so slow for?" he says, rather nastily, actually. Hey, Russell? God called. He said not to yell at your wife. Cyndi chirps back, "I'm going fast, honey!" Yeech. They pile into a cab, saying they're going to try to make the 2:00 PM ferry. I don't see how that can happen if they landed at 1:30, considering that the other teams this morning needed an hour to get out of the airport and to a boat. At any rate, when Jeebus arrives at the ferry station, they run into Boston. "Have you seen anybody else?" Boston asks. "You're the first ones we've seen, buddies!" Cyndi says happily. They all get on a boat. Can this be the 2:00 they were going for? I don't see how it can. Hmm.
Mary and the Fruit on the train to Cape Town station. ("Peach Train sounding louder! Ride on the Peach Train!") Mary asks a woman about the township, hoping for some information she can use to get around when they get there. The woman -- not sent, I would say, by the Langa Township Chamber of Commerce -- tells her that if they go there, people will kill them and steal their backpacks. Huh? A creepy man in a red hat and shiny sunglasses who looks like he just arrived directly from the set of a Stephen King movie says basically the same thing: "If you like to be alive, don't go there." Peach interviews that she was afraid. Man, no kidding. Mary puts away the clue, simply saying to the They Will Kill You Lady, "Thanks." Heh. They get to the train station and get into a cab (along with a bunch of other people -- this is group transport country). Shortly after they leave, the taxi breaks down. Sigh. Mary wants to know if it's safe to walk, but the bus driver just gets out to check on the mechanical problem. I am not filled with confidence that he can fix it.
Commercials. If you're looking for an orange shirt, a pink umbrella, and an oscillating sprinkler, Sears is really your best bet. In other news, if you're serving your family meals that do not include slabs of meat, it's no wonder your children are deformed and your marriage is failing.
Back to the broken-down Mary/Fruit cab. The driver says he'll get another cab for them. He does, and they're on their way.
Xerox, Kalk Bay Harbor. (Ouch, that train was slow. They got off the return ferry at the same time as Mary and the Fruit, and look how far back they fell. I'm telling you, never believe the locals when they tell you to take the train.) They de-train and try to figure out how to get across the tracks to the harbor.
Detour, Blake and Paige. They pick the dancing. Xerox arrives, and OneTwin remarks with obvious surprise, "Blake and Paige are here." This is where they figure out that the train didn't work for them, and they've slipped in the standings. They read the Detour clue, and they decide to do the fish. Blake and Paige, the first team to fit the outfits perfectly (and why does that seem appropriate?), start dancing as Xerox goes for the fish. Now, either the fish detour isn't well-planned or Xerox doesn't read it carefully, because they can't figure out how to get started. They're just wandering around looking for what fish they're supposed to carry. Meanwhile, Blake's dancing for money isn't any better than his dancing at the Samba Club, although Paige doesn't embarrass herself too badly. As Blake and Paige collect their tips, Xerox bails on the fish and heads for the dancing. They put the outfits on, and unlike the teams that just let the top halves dangle when they didn't fit, Xerox valiantly tries to fit into them entirely, which results in some extremely high-quality Large Men Trying To Fit Into Small Clothes footage. Ahhhh, the cheap laugh. How I love it. The boots don't fit them either, but they cram their big feet into them anyway. They are not particularly adept dancers, but it's hard to say how much of that has to do with the fact that they are wedged into these clothes. The crowd has a good laugh at their expense, but gives up the money so they can leave.
Train station at Kalk Bay Harbor. Xerox gets on the train to Cape Town and finds Blake and Paige there. Paige asks them if they ultimately danced, and OneTwin says, "We felt like, you know, the twin Urkels out there." Hee! Actually, they kind of looked that way, too.
ChaTaGaDa pulling up to the winery. They're obviously pretty relieved to see something so lush after braving some less-than-luxurious surroundings all day. They pile out of the cab. Danny and Oswald run for it, and make it to the mat first. Phil tells them they're team number one, and they hug, go "woooo!", and jump up and down. I love Triple-Cha. Taraweasel is team number two, and they hug, prompting Tara to say, "Hey, watch the butt, watch the butt." Somehow, I want that to be funny, and it's not. Gary and Dave are team number three. Everybody toasts themselves.
Generic township shots, including the obligatory skinny dog with matted hair. Mary takes the Roadblock, which leaves Peach in the hair salon waiting for her. The Fruit explains that she was, reasonably enough, rather nervous, considering that everyone on the taxi told them they were going to be killed. She explains that she's a little more nervous for Mary, who's out walking around. Speaking of which, here's Mary, buying a sheep's head covered with flies. Yum. She interviews that she loves meeting people, she loves being out in interesting places, and she was glad she did the Roadblock. While she's gone, the Fruit ventures out of the salon, where she catches the eye of a little girl. She smiles and waves. The little girl smiles, and Peach calls her over, voicing over that she remembered she had some kids' sunglasses in her bag that Mary had encouraged her to give to some of the kids if she had a chance. She gives several little kids pairs of shades, and one of them slides a blue pair on hesitantly. Lots of smiling, laughing little kids. The Fruit says that if a pair of sunglasses makes them that happy, she feels great. Aww. She gets weepy. As was correctly pointed out by Snowmobile Boy, this would have been even cooler if she hadn't cried, but had been able to just chuckle at how much fun it was, but it's still a pretty cool scene.
Jeebus at the cell, getting the route marker, along with Boston. "We teamed up with Chris and Alex this last leg," says Cyndi in a guarded manner. She says they're "good guys," but she also believes that "you've got to watch your back a little bit." Well, yes. Given that it's a race and everything, so, technically, you have diametrically opposed interests. Another lesson to be learned from the first season? All alliances are transitory and mutually opportunistic, and it will never be any other way.
Blake and Paige and Xerox at the hair salon. Doyin and Blake take the Roadblock, and team up to complete it. Doyin tells their local guide that his dad is from Sierra Leone, and the guy says (I think), "Awesome." They complete the Roadblock and drink the potion. Blake pronounces it "good." Heh: liar.
Jeebus/Boston at Kalk Bay Harbor for the Detour. Boston is so not dancing. Seriously, they are so not dancing. Chris says they didn't know whether they would dance for two hours and get no tips, so they went with what they knew they could do -- fish-carrying. I think that's the wrong call -- for one thing, it can't take two hours to do the dancing, because quite honestly, if you're not good enough for people to tip you $2.50 by then, they will have long ago paid you $2.50 to go away. Nevertheless, Jeebus does the fish, too. Boston finishes first, and when they're done, they help Jeebus get the last few pounds moved. (I'm surprised that you're allowed to do that. I'd think every team would have to complete the Detour on its own, but I guess not.) It's an interesting choice to help out on Boston's part -- for about five minutes of effort, they may buy a favor later, so it's probably worth it. On the other hand, they know they're far back in the pack, so they don't really have the luxury of being nice. Assuming that they don't know for sure how far back the Groanies are, they have to wonder if those five minutes could cause them to miss a train or a bus and let Jeebus stay with them and eventually beat them. Hmm. Either way, once all the fish have been moved, they head for the train, with Boston slightly ahead and waiting for the lagging Jeebus. They miss a train to Cape Town by just a little bit, and Alex allows himself a moment of frustration about the effect their failure to dust Jeebus had on that development.
Mary and the Fruit, on their way to the winery. They arrive, Phil tells them they're team number four, and they high-five and share some wine. Good job, ladies. I like this team. They're not at the top, but they don't seem to bleed time at random like some of the other apparently strong teams sometimes do (I'm looking at you, Xerox and Boston).
Xerox and Blake and Paige run up to the winery together. Just as Blake and Paige did with Hope and Norm at the end of Episode 1, the four of them put their arms around each other and step on the mat simultaneously. I'm not sure if I'd do that, Xerox, given the whammy it put on Team Drawl. Anyway, they tie for fifth. More wine drinking. Blake and Paige? Still in the same clothes. You can almost see the little cartoon stink waves rising from them.
Back at Langa Township, Chris and Russell do the Roadblock. After Chris drinks the potion, he makes a disgusted gagging noise. "Man, that's gonna help me with the ladies, dog? They're not gonna like my breath." With this comment, Chris officially eliminates any possibility that Boston is Bizarro Esquire. Ugh. He's officially on my list -- and not the good one, either.
Anyway, Boston and Jeebus pull into the winery a bit later (it's dark outside, so I think there's a little bit of distance between teams here) and they run up the drive to the mat. Phil tells Boston they're team number seven. They're not too happy, nor should they be. Jeebus is team number eight. Not happy either.
Heathrow. Oh, dear. Peggy and Claire are sleeping on chairs. They finally get on a plane, and then a cab. "Peggy and Claire are two of the sweetest ladies that you'll ever meet in your life," Russell tells us. He says he's impressed at how far they've gotten, as we see them at Robben Island. At the cell, the clue tells them to take a taxi to the winery, so they're bypassing the Detour and the Roadblock. Gary says he loves them, and that they're "tough." Alex says they're "sweet great ladies." He says everyone wanted to see them go on further. Um...not everyone. They arrive at the winery, and they make their way to the mat. "Talk about a day [late] and a dollar short," Claire says. The greeter welcomes them, and Claire says it's "very beautiful" at the winery. Can't argue with that. Phil tells them they're Phil-iminated. Claire Claire-ifies that they're actually in last place by an entire day, and Phil agrees. "You know, it's okay," Claire says, probably happy not to have to drag Peggy from place to place anymore. In an interview, Claire says that the other teams were really nice to them, and speculates that the teams could all "see their grandmothers getting shoved around the world."
Okay, not to beat this particular dead horse any harder than we've already beaten it, but that's the key to their attitude problem, right there. They've insisted on seeing themselves as "shoved around" from the beginning. They've not enjoyed the racing aspect very much, they've complained, they've bemoaned their fate, and they've acted like beleaguered and reluctant participants, and that will just kick your ass right out of a competition like this. I don't doubt that they're quite likeable in person, and I'm sure they've done lots of remarkable things. But this wasn't the right activity for them, I don't think, and I can't say their elimination is any great disappointment.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: We're going to Namibia, jackass! Xerox is stuck in the sand. Somebody yells "cheaters!" and Gary tells somebody they're "going down." Uh, okay. People fling themselves down a sand dune headfirst. One can only hope the Weasel gets completely buried.