Previously on American Airlines Suspense Theater: Eleven teams took off from a desolate portion of Nevada, and made their way to Rio. (Insert Duran Duran joke here -- I don't have the strength.) Blake successfully lobbied Congress for an exemption from the Universal Hat Contempt Act (UHCA). Phil talked a lot, and paused a lot. The Really Big Jesus, Fat Maria The Kissing Tree, and Sugarloaf Mountain loomed large. Peggy and Claire were just sure they were eliminated, and when they weren't, they screamed loudly enough to wake up bears hibernating in foreign countries. Blake hissed and Wil spat, and they pulled each other's hair. Deidre and Hillary were eliminated. (Phil voices over that they were "overcome with emotion." You know, there ARE things I can figure out for myself, given enough hugging and crying.)
Credits. Sing along, following the bouncing ball (okay, you have to imagine the bouncing ball first): "It's! The! Race! Amazing Race! So! Try! To come in first! Not! Last! Your taxi must! Be! Fast! You! Will! Ride! On camels and! On! Planes! Don't waste your dough! Wear your...sunscreen...don't be...too mean...and the...teams! Will! Come! And they must try! To! Win! Phil's handsome! [BOMP.]"
Drunken cameramen careen around Rio de Janeiro, pausing briefly to admire The Really Big Jesus. Phil, in a lovely sky-blue shirt that brings out his accent, strolls on the deck of the Rio yacht where the first leg ended. He explains that the teams are resting and mingling. Believe it or not, there's a shot of Peggy mingling while wearing the same sour, defeated expression she wears for much of the rest of the episode. I think her socks are too tight or something. Anyway, Phil says the teams have no idea what's in store for them, have to figure it out for themselves, find the route markers, and -- BAH! Those are not the Exposition Hands. Those are New Exposition Hands. I am heartbroken. Didn't anyone learn anything from New Coke? Bring back Exposition Hands Classic, people, or I'm switching to Celebrity Boxing. Frankly, I've always wondered whether Tonya Harding was really all that much of a bad-ass when she didn't have a guy with a lead pipe to do her dirty work. And hey, Paula Jones could wind up with a free nose job. Well, another free nose job, after the one she got from Richard Mellon Scaife. Anyway, after a quick, Koyaanisqatsi-esque time-lapse shot of a busy road at night which apparently has absolutely nothing to do with anything, Phil wonders aloud whether the teams will be friends or be competitive, and whether Wil will stop being a jackass. (Okay, I was the one who was wondering about that. Phil was just thinking it to himself quietly.)
11:06 PM. Tara and Wil (his hair looks even more like a clog in the drain than last time, and her Flowing Straw-Like Hippie Hair isn't much better) prepare to leave. (Although I am not qualified to make remarks about anyone else's hair. True story: A woman walking behind me on my way to the parking lot after work the other day looked at my ponytail and said, with a very slight drawl, "Is that your real hair color?" Me, after giving it a moment of thought: "Pretty much." Her: "It's just beautiful. You know, out in the sun, it's just this chestnut brown...you know, I have horses..." My left eyebrow: "[Sproing.]" Her: "...and one of them is just that exact color, and it's so beautiful." Me, trying to stifle a laugh: "Well, thank you." Her: "I mean, not to compare you to a horse!" Me: "No, no, not at all." Her: "Take that in the nicest way!" Me: "I absolutely will do that.")
Okay, anyway, back to Wil and Tara, sporting those always-fashionable large orange rectangular life preservers. I'm really very surprised that they haven't improved the design of those since I was at summer camp as a kid. I can store thousands of addresses on my Sony Clie, I can essentially demand a neck rub from my TiVo, and they haven't found a way to keep you from drowning other than strapping one of these gargantuan things around your neck. Aren't you shocked it can't all be done with microchips now? Some kind of anti-drown patch you put on your arm before you go out on a boat? At any rate, Wil and Tara open the clue, which tells them that they have to take a little boat back to the beach, and then hop in a blue taxi and go to a Samba Club. In an interview, Wil says he couldn't ask for a better partner, because Tara is the "calming person" when he's the "hothead." Presumably, his awareness of this fact and his associated appreciation is why he treats her like crap when she tries to calm him down. Oh, wait a minute, that makes no sense. Man, I really hate this guy. I would also point out that he wears a necklace that looks like a rejected design for the Survivor immunity idol. Anyway, the little boat zips them to shore, and they find the row of blue taxis. The cameramen vibrate along the highway as Phil re-explains the clue, adding that the teams have also received a feather, and once they get to the nightclub, they have to find the dancer whose headdress matches the feather. She'll give them the clue.
11:34 PM. Team Jeebus. They open the clue (and their $200). Boat, taxi, and they're on their way.
11:35 PM. Shola and Doyin. Okay, here's what I think. Based on Episode 1 (in which Doyin called himself Doyin while telling himself not to look down), it appears to me that Shola is the one with the earring. That is the premise on which this entire recap is based. If Shola is the one without the earring, then I have it backwards, but I've looked a couple of times, and I'm pretty sure I'm right, despite the fact that I think there was a forum post to the contrary. But at least we're making progress. Anyway, they notice that their lead on the people behind them is practically nothing. One of them voices over that their high level of communication skills gives them kind of a creepy telepathic advantage. Cool.
Tarawil cab. Apparently, according to what we have learned about cab karma, they did not tip their first cabbie, because this one has no freaking idea where he's going. Ha! Furthermore, Tara has caught on that the driver is clueless, and Wil the Pil is still insisting that everything is fine. Whatever, Captain Denial-o. I notice here that Tara is wearing big rings on her fingers. You know what I don't think is too practical during this particular race? Big rings. Future reality show contestants can file that under "Things To Leave At Home," along with Very Large Dangly Earrings and High-Heeled Shoes. Just some friendly advice.
Interestingly enough, Jeebus's cab driver isn't doing much better with finding the club, although he may be distracted by the fact that he's enthusiastically eating while driving. Eventually, Hungry Driver stops to ask directions, and it happens that there's an angel in twinkle-lights in the window of where they stop. I'm sorry, did I say "it happens"? What I meant to say was that God put the angel there so that their driver would stop there and ask for directions. Or that God put the angel there to give Jeebus encouragement. Or that God made the person inside give the right directions because there's an angel in the window. Whatever. It's one of those, Jeebus seems pretty sure. Here, they replay as a voice-over that annoying comment about "spiritual advantage" from Episode 1. I also think I would be remiss if I didn't mention that it's a fairly curvaceous angel. What meaning that has, I simply don't know.
Tara and Wil are yelling at their cab driver, which really doesn't appear to be helping anything. Among other things, she yells the street number in Spanish like the driver is an idiot, which I really don't think is going to do a whole lot. The driver says, "Yeah, yeah," and Tara makes fun of him. Even if it weren't bitchy as hell, which it is, that isn't very smart. I don't like her very much more than I like him. Jeebus, meanwhile, finds the club first. In an interview, Cyndi says that they've never been in a place quite like this before, what with the mostly-naked dancers with big headdresses and everything. I suppose they don't have too much of that stuff at their church, even on the really big holidays. Cyndi apparently worries that seeing the dancers would corrupt her, because she tells us in her interview that she wanted to avert her eyes. Interestingly enough, Russell does not comment on whether he wanted to avert his eyes. They find the right dancer (starting out when Cyndi yells out rather hilariously, "Ladies! Ladies!" Hee!). Although Russell fumbles the kiss-kiss the dancer tries to give him, they do wind up with the clue.
In the world of Tara and Wil Getting Worse And Worse, they owe their driver forty (somethings), but Tara only wants to give him twenty. And then she wants to give him nothing. "You sucked!" she yells. "Come on, you sucked!" They enter the club just as Jeebus is leaving. In their cab, Russell and Cyndi are actually quite good-humored about what a good time everybody was having in the club, and they allow as how they don't really see too much of that in their part of the world. Yeah, it's a little cold for rhinestone-studded thong bikinis and feathered headdresses in most parts of the Upper Midwest. That's why we stay inside a lot and play Boggle.
Tarawil have their clue now, and they're back with the same driver. Good grief, why would they get back in the cab with this guy -- and why would he take them? Cab business must be very slow, or else he's some kind of a charter and none of them has a choice. The new clue tells them to go to Pedra Bonita, which is a big mountain. At the top, they'll find their route marker. I really don't like the new yellow-and-red color scheme, because it's entirely too Golden Arches. I keep wanting to order fries. Maybe I'm just hungry. (Totally off-topic: I have only had my TiVo for one recap, and I'm temporarily working on this one with a VCR instead, and I miss the eight-second-replay button so badly I can't even explain it adequately without invoking horrible metaphors involving poverty, disease, robbery, or being dumped by the quarterback of the football team. So you'll just have to believe me.)
Shola and Doyin are smooching the Feathered Girl in the club. They say they "got the clue and moved on."
12:19 AM. Blake and Paige and Hope and Norm, back on the yacht, open the clue. Blake voices over that he and Paige are best friends. Paige has traded in the Hair Horns for a single Perky Dinner Roll atop her head, so she and I are getting along better as well. Hope, on the other hand, is wearing a black visor. Oh, the agony. Norm says in an interview that the race is an opportunity for him and Hope to appreciate the fact that they love each other more than ever. Aww. I love Norm.
12:20 AM. Chris and Alex. Incidentally, I now know that Alex is the darker-haired one, and Chris is the taller one. Alex calls them "two good buddies tryin' to win a million bucks." I'll buy that. In the boat to the beach, they discuss the feather. Alex: "Use your brain, what would you use a feather for, man?" Chris: "To get kinky with some chick?" Oh, Lord. Suddenly, dread washes over me. They're THAT guy. Oh, no. Are they THAT guy? I comfort myself by pretending it was meant to be ironic in some way I can't quite figure out.
12:45 AM. Mary and Peach. The Fruit tells us in an interview that this is "more difficult than [she] ever could have imagined." She explains that her sister is "very demanding." Yeah, I get that impression. The Fruit goes on to say that Mary is "like a mule," and "can do anything." Can mules do anything? I don't even think they can water-ski. Although, according to this, they can do a lot of wonderful things. I'm sure the Fruit means it as a compliment.
12:46 AM. Oswald and Danny. They say they "recognize each other for what [they] are." I'm leaving that one right there. See? Walking away.
At the club, Blake is trying, and failing, to dance with the Feathered Girl. He's really just kind of bouncing up and down. Blake, if you want to be my boyfriend, we have to have some rules, and one of them is that not being able to dance is okay, but doing the Pogo Stick Boogie as a substitute? Not so much. Once they get the clue and leave, Blake comments that "Chris and Alex just went into the dancers." Yeah, I'll just bet they did.
Boston gets the clue.
In the Blake/Paige cab, he comments how "hot" the Feathered Girl was. Paige says, "You like dancing with hot girls when we're in a hurry." I have to wonder whether this has happened before, and if so, under what possible circumstances. Anyway, Hope and Norm are in the club getting their clue. Once they clear out, they wind up behind Boston, and (I think) knowing that Alex speaks Portuguese, they decide that following those guys is a pretty good strategy. Speaking of Portuguese, Alex is indeed speaking it to their driver, heading for the mountain. Boston thinks they've picked a winner in The Cab Driver Sweepstakes.
Mary and the Fruit, followed by Oswald and Danny, grab the clue and leave the club.
Tarawil are haranguing their cab driver some more. The tank is almost empty (the dashboard warning light is actually on), and they're still driving around. Hee. Their driver hates them, you can tell. He has this cold glare like he's going to dump them by the side of the road at any time, and frankly, I wouldn't blame him. If we've learned anything about cab drivers, it's that the time to yell at them is after the ride, not during the ride. Do it during the ride, and the situation is sure to get worse.
1:24 AM. Gary and Dave are still alive, not having fallen off the boat in the middle of the night like I was hoping they would. They open the clue. The "crazy best friends against the world" line is played again, and it still makes my eyelid twitch. In an interview, Gary points out that they may not have smarts (obviously) or looks (duh), but they have heart. They do? Ugh. And here, in another of their Obviously Rehearsed Moments Of Non-Spontaneous Levity, he says that tortoises aren't smart, but they win the race, and he and Dave do the "ba-doop, ba-doop" Slow Turtle Theme from the old Warner Brothers cartoon. You know, Gary and Dave are here at the Giggle Barn every Saturday night, so tip your waitress and try the three-dollar steak special. It's delicious.
1:32 AM. Peggy and Claire. They get to shore (wearing T-shirts emblazoned with "GUTSY GRANDMA" on the back -- ick). In an interview (wearing "Peg" and "Claire" labeled shirts -- also ick), Peggy says that Claire is faster than she is. I think this is in part because Claire spends more time moving and less time complaining, but I could be wrong. Peggy goes on to say she gets tired easily. Sigh. Can I ask what exactly these two, Peggy in particular, thought this experience was going to be like? I've never heard so much grousing in all my life. It's a race, ladies. Get going. They get in a cab.
Jeebus is at the mountain, where they de-cab. The climb up the hill looks pretty tough, and Cyndi is worried that she can't keep going. But she does. "Oh God, help us," she says. Yeah, since we're doing Divine Intervention Through Yard Decorations, maybe He can send a pink flamingo this time. Or one of those things you put in your garden that looks like a lady bending over with her behind in the air. ["In defense of Team Jeebus, the last time I climbed a hill of any consequence, I implored God to either 'help me' or 'kill me now' at least a dozen times, so I kind of felt for Cyndi. The angel thing was still way annoying, though." -- Sars] They make it up the mountain to the McFlag, and open the clue, which turns out to be a Detour. Phil explains the whole choose-one-of-two-tasks notion behind the Detour. Your options this time? Go hang-gliding (strapped to somebody who actually knows how to do it, of course), or spend what looks like it would be an enormous amount of time searching the beach with a metal detector. In other words, they want everybody to go hang-gliding. They call this Detour "Seek Out" or "Freak Out," which is undoubtedly the worst Detour-naming job they have ever done.
Anyway, Jeebus immediately picks hang-gliding, and good for them.
Shola and Doyin make their way toward the mountain. As they de-cab, their taxi driver doesn't quite realize that Shola has already climbed out, and he continues inching forward a little, eventually running over his foot. Ow. He runs over it but good, too, because Shola's shoe winds up entirely under the tire. Shola rolls on the ground, writhing in pain. (Miss Alli's Mom: "Eh. Your father ran over my foot with the car once. Hey, does that make me a Gutsy Grandma?")
Commercials. Andie McPhee is Laura Ingalls Wilder. I love the part where Nellie Oleson inadvertently gives her Ecstasy.
Shola explains that the cab driver ran over his heel. He thought he was going to be done for right then, but he gets up and shakes it off as well as he can. He says nothing short of a "body cast" will take him out of the race. He also, in a move that completely endears him to me forever, lets the cabbie off the hook. "It's all right, it's all right, you didn't do it on purpose," he chuckles. I bet MAMom did the same thing, but if you fast forward to six months later, MADad said something like, "What's for dinner?" and she said, "I'm sorry, did you ask me what was for dinner or run over my foot with the car?"
Tarawil arrives at the mountain. They get to the McFlag at about the same time as Xerox, it appears. Tara asks Xerox and Jeebus whether they want to do the metal detector as a group project, but then in an interview, she claims that she never considered not hang-gliding. So she's either full of it in her interview, or she's full of it when talking to the other teams, and either way, I have no idea what she could be trying to accomplish. Of course, given that she apparently spends a fair amount of time with Wil voluntarily, I don't really get her anyway, so I shouldn't be surprised.
Peggy and Claire get to the club at about the same time as Gary and Dave. After he and Dave get the clue from the dancer, Gary laments that if he had had a few more minutes with her, he could have gotten her number. [THUNK.] (That was the sound of that joke hitting the floor like a dead body.) Peggy and Claire get the clue as well. In an interview, they explain that they thought the Fast Forward was their only chance at getting back on track. Phil explains the Fast Forward (with the help of more Impostor Exposition Hands), and as it turns out, the Fast Forward on this leg involves winning ten points in beach volleyball against professional Brazilian players. Of course, the Brazilians have to play with their feet, and the teams can use their hands. (Really.) Peggy sounds like she thinks doing the volleyball is pretty damn hopeless (there's a shock), but she lets Claire talk her into it.
Doyin explains that he's afraid of heights, so the hang-gliding was out. Furthermore, the metal detector would take too long, so they go for the Fast Forward. Yeesh. They're in third right now, so I'm not sure I think using the Fast Forward now is a good idea at all, but hey, I'm willing to be convinced.
Hope and Norm and Chris and Alex make it up the mountain, followed by Oswald and Danny and Blake and Paige. Lots of high-fiving, which is actually kind of nice. Blake reads the clue and, in a major miscalculation, he says he thinks the metal detector will be faster. Ignoring the "first come, first served" aspect of the hang-gliding that makes it important to claim your place in line for the morning if that's what you're going to do, he and Paige leave the growing queue to go "think about" whether they're going to do the glide or the beach. In the cab, he tells Paige that his brilliant plan is to borrow a metal detector from someone and find the clue overnight (do they know for sure that it's been buried yet?), and then they can go right to it in the morning. She looks doubtful. This plan goes down in flames when they see the vast expanse of sand they'd have to search, and now they have to go back to the hang-glider area. Blake and Paige, incidentally, are wearing shirts that I think are emblazoned with pictures of their family members, which on the one hand is a well-intentioned thought, but on the other hand is as cheesy as a pizza. Furthermore, he's walking around with one pant leg rolled up, and it just doesn't get doofier than that. Blake, you're losing me, hon. They bicker as they walk back, because she doesn't want to wind up last in line for the glider.
Gary and Dave read the clue, and decide to go for the Fast Forward. Peggy and Claire are on their way to the volleyball too, but when they get there and see Shola and Doyin warming up, they panic, despair, and bail. Sigh. Run the damn race. Stop obsessing about what you can and can't do and just get going already. Just a suggestion.
Gary and Dave approach Shola and Doyin, who are practicing. Gary wears The Anxious Grin Of A Guy Setting Up His Joke. "What's your volleyball experience?" he asks. Doyin says, "Not good, but...uh, how's yours?" Gary, nearly giddy that his plan worked (if you have it on tape, look at his face -- it was a complete set-up), says, "I watched Baywatch." Shut up, Gary.
The Groanies (tm pseudostudent) reach the top of the mountain, where Claire is hugged by Tara (eww), who says, "You cute thangs." Man, Tara really bugs. The Groanies read the clue, and Claire wants to hang-glide. Peggy, unsurprisingly, is intimidated by it. Apparently, when she applied for The Amazing Mall Walk, she had no idea that something like hang-gliding might happen. She says they should do the metal detector. Claire grins with tightly gritted teeth, and says, "Okay, Peggy." Hee -- that was a little funny. Claire totally wants to choke Peg at this point, and grandmas in a fist fight is pure comedy. The other teams, however, start in on the Groanies about doing the glider. "Hang-glide! Hang-glide!" chants Boston. Peggy explains to Oswald and Danny that she's "terrified." "So is he," Danny says matter-of-factly, pointing to Oswald, who is wrapped in a blanket like he just kissed the blue lips of Leo DiCaprio at the end of Titanic. "I have only gone on one rollercoaster ride in my life," Oswald intones seriously. Tara tells them they have to "relinquish those shirts" (that say "GUTSY GRANDMA") if they don't hang glide. Finally, Peggy gives in, and Claire mimes a very Guido-like "Yessss!" There is much rejoicing.
At 6:30 AM, we find ourselves at Copacabana Beach for the Fast Forward volleyball tournament. A twin voices over that he really wasn't terribly concerned about Gary and Dave, because -- well, they're Gary and Dave, and if you were Xerox, would you be worried about them? The first team to score ten points off the Brazilians gets the Fast Forward. The long and the short of it is that the Brazilians initially kick both teams' butts. A twin says that they realized quickly that these people were "pretty good." Well, they are professional volleyball players, after all. He goes on to say that he and OtherTwin would have to "bring [their] A game in order to beat them." No kidding. I think, in fact, that you'd have to bring about six more people in order to beat them, but if you "bring your A game," you might at least score the ten points before we all die of old age. Gary and Dave, meanwhile, are horrible. Which they clearly think is funny. Whatever. "There's a couple of sports I'm not so good at," Gary says. "Volleyball seems to be one of them." You know, there is a funny line in there somewhere, but I don't think that's quite it. Ah, well. He refers to Shola and Doyin as "the Doublemint twins." Said twins kick Gary and Dave's behinds, and at least that's over with. The FF sends Xerox to a "jungle camp" near Iguacu Falls. They hop in a cab and head for the bus station.
Gary and Dave, because they are still idiots, go for the metal detector . Meanwhile, back at the hang-gliding starting gate, Blake and Paige show up, having fallen far, far back in the pack. Blake says that they ate breakfast and slept on the beach, which all sounds great, except that they should have been up on the mountain the entire time. Mistake. Everybody straps on their hang-gliding gear. Alex says he hopes some of the other teams are scared. Well, "scay-ahd" is what he actually says.
Down on the beach, Gary and Dave choose a metal detector and set out on their treasure hunt. Dave, because he is not quite as much of an idiot as Gary, quickly catches on that this is an insane thing for them to be spending time on. There's a mile and a half of beach and they're looking with a metal detector the size of a dinner plate. Get the hint, geeks: The producers want you to go hang-gliding.
Speaking of which, here we are, back up on the mountain. It's almost time for Jeebus to take off. Note that the teams go one member at a time, because each member has to be strapped to an instructor so as not to, you know, actually die. Russell is off first, followed by Cyndi. Yes, we're made of stern stuff up here on the frozen tundra, and I'm starting to enjoy Russell and Cyndi's can-do, perky, go-get-'em attitude. Yeah, I know -- that's the hot-dish talking. Anyway, Peggy looks on with trepidation, especially when she learns that you have to get a running start. She thought you just leaned off, like bungee jumping. Sigh. Peggy isn't making this very easy. She claims the problem is that she has a trick knee from an old skiing accident (hey, maybe that was her in that "agony of defeat" clip), but truthfully? I think she's just scared. Which is fine, but I wish she'd just say that. Say "I'm going to pee my pants, I'm so scared," and I'll be your friend for life. "Uh, trick knee!"? Not so much.
Gary tells Dave that they need to give up and go for the glider. Yeah, no kidding, nitwit. They turn tail and run.
Tara and Wil dive off the mountain. Unfortunately, the principles of hang-gliding related to gravity and wind resistance and lift and things like that apply to them as well, so they float harmlessly to earth. (How does her hair look like she intended it to look that way when she just went hang-gliding wearing a helmet, for God's sake?) The clue tells the teams to travel by bus to Foz do Iguacu, which is about 900 miles away. Yep, by bus. Tara is not happy about this (she says "bus" like it's "dry scaly rash"), and for once, I have to say I understand. Nine hundred miles by bus is a long way -- I once bused it from Oberlin (near Cleveland) to Philadelphia, and it's no 900 miles, and I was fit to be tied when I got off the damn bus. Everybody needs a taxi to the bus station.
Glider Mountain Takeoff Point. Mary tells the Fruit to run hard when she takes off. "Don't stop running," she advises. The Fruit looks dubious, but she and Mary do just fine with the takeoff. The Fruit actually does a particularly nice hand flourish as she goes off the edge. Peggy complains some more about her inability to run. Grrr -- be quiet, Peggy. Boston takes off , biceps flapping in the breeze. Hope and Norm are to go, and she's really, really scared. "Everything in your brain and your body is sayin', 'You're crazy, don't do this,'" she says. She's a trouper, though, and she resolves to go anyway. Norm tells her (quite wisely) that fear is good, because it keeps you safe and alive. Nevertheless, of course, in this case he thinks she should ignore it. Hee. She straps on her helmet. Go, Hope! And they go. Good for her. No whining, no excuses, she just went. Watching them go, Danny admits to a bit of trepidation.
Norm watches his wife float down. "This is Hope," he says, pointing. "I'm so glad she did this. She was very upset...she did it." Now he addresses her up in the sky. "That's why I love you," he says quietly. Now, now, don't pick on him. He doesn't mean because she hang-glides. He means because she does things even when she's scared, and that's perfectly fine. Aww. I love Team Drawl.
Peggy tells the instructors she's not going after all. Claire turns around and faces the camera and...well, she doesn't really mouth a particular swear word, but she does that thing where you grit your teeth and jerk your chin, and you're obviously swearing in your head. Pretty funny, actually. I think it's safe to say that Peggy made a mistake coming along on this race, unless her attitude turns around in a hurry. She just seems like she has to be talked into everything, and that's just too much to put on your teammate, and it's not going to sustain you when things suck. And things are going to sometimes suck.
Commercials. Use Lysol of all kinds all over your house as often as possible. It's got the seal of approval from The Society To Promote The Development Of Antibiotic-Resistant Bacteria. In other news, I'm so sad that the new Dennis Quaid movie is rated G. That would seem to peg the likelihood of his appearing naked at practically zero.
Danny and Oswald take off. Peggy says she likes to think she's not afraid of things, but she's scared that if she can't run fast, they'll "nosedive down into the trees." She doesn't want to die -- or, as she drawls, "daah." Again, I do think she fears dying, but not because of the running -- she fears it for the same reason everybody else fears it, which is that she's jumping off a mountain wearing a kite. Just do it, Peggy, come on! She then learns that if she doesn't hang-glide, then Claire can't hang-glide, so they'll have to go do the metal detector (I'm not sure what she thought was going to happen when she quit). This is enough to push Peggy over the edge (literally), and she goes. Yay, Peggy. Seriously. You can do more than you think, so just stop complaining and move. She and Claire fly off the mountain quite uneventfully (including the running), and they land just fine. What a relief. Interestingly enough, once she's in the air, I think Peggy kinda likes it. Claire is very excited for her, and she hugs her instructor. In an interview, Peggy says, "I'm thinking I might take hang-gliding lessons," and Claire leans over like the busybody she cheerfully is and says, "Peggy, you're not thinking that for one second." Peggy admits she's not. You know, that sequence was okay near the end. I could learn to enjoy some things about this team if they would just please get ON with it and not worry so much.
Hope and Norm are in a cab on their way to the bus station, and things aren't going so well -- Hope is worried they'll miss the bus.
Blake and Paige take off in their glider. (Note that Blake and Paige are, according to the editing, well behind Hope and Norm at this point.) They land on the beach and hug. "Ah felt like a biiiird," Blake says. Certainly is a lot of drawling going on -- this entire show is turning into a Tennessee Williams play. In an effort to shift the focus to a different deeply troubled writer, the Woody Allen Brigade runs up the mountain, firmly in last place. They prepare to hang-glide. "I'll probably die," Dave says, "but it's better than losing." If only they could do both. "What about screaming? Is screaming okay?" Gary asks. So fake. Shut up. When they get to the bottom, Gary reads the clue that says they can get to the Rio bus station by any means available. "Why don't we take the glider?" he says. (THUNK.)
In the Blake and Paige cab, she's relieved that somebody is behind them (namely the dorks). Blake calls this "the most critical moment of the race." Thanks, Drama Boy. And nice bandanna -- not.
Bus Station Of Teeming Humanity. Doyin tells us that during the volleyball game, he twisted his knee. I'm not sure I don't need to change their name from Xerox to Job. But I guess now they have matching limps. Damn! Now I can't tell them apart again!
Tarawil at the bus station. They grab the -to-last pair of tickets on the first bus. And here, just behind them, are Jeebus, followed by Team Boston. There's a lot of interesting timing here. I get why the twins were first, but Wil and Tara passed Jeebus, and Boston passed Mary and the Fruit and caught up to Jeebus. I'd also point out that Boston runs into the bus station rather than strolling, which turns out to be pretty important, it would seem. They run to the escalator, run up it, and get to the ticket counter ahead of Cyndi and Russell. In an interview, Alex tells us that getting the last tickets on the first bus was "huge. Huge, huge, huge." You know, I could be wrong, but I think he thinks it was huge. Jeebus runs into the twins and asks about the Fast Forward, and Xerox confirms that they got it. Russell congratulates them.
Doyin explains that he and Shola thought the FF would give them a lead, but they actually wound up on exactly the same bus as Tarawil and Boston. Note that this is a direct bus, a 22-hour ride. The direct bus leaves carrying Jeebus, Oswald and Danny, and Mary and the Fruit. What the heck happened to Drawl? Anyway, the Groanies are at the bus station, followed by Blake and Paige. As the two teams make conversation, Blake says, "Paige, I don't have the wallet." Stunned, she says, "What?" "I don't have the wallet," he repeats. "You don't have the wallet?" she repeats yet again. "No," he says simply. "Oh, God," she frets. They quickly figure out that he left it in the cab -- probably when they got out the fare. "I just should go home," he says disgustedly. "No, Blake, it's okay," Paige says, earning herself big points in my book. After they walk off to figure out their move, Peggy turns to Claire. "This may be our break!" she says gleefully. You know, I get that she's relieved, but you don't have to rejoice in other people falling on crummy fortune. Ideally, I'd think you'd want to beat them in some other way, and I find it pretty unseemly that they're quite this happy about the really sad scene they just witnessed. Furthermore, in a reference that, based on the previews, it's going to take me another week to complete, I'm just going to call this moment What Goes Around.
The Groanies get an interpreter, who helps them get tickets on a bus to Sao Paolo, and then they'll change for Iguacu. So this is a non-direct bus -- got it? Okay. Gary and Dave arrive. (Even they, you will notice, are ahead of Drawl.) They consider both the 11:00 with the change in Sao Paolo and the 2:30 direct to Iguacu, and eventually they too go for the Sao Paolo bus at 11:00. The two teams are, however, actually on two different buses leaving at the same time. Gary's camo hat really has to go. Really, really, really. Has to go now.
Blake, swallowing his pride, asks a stranger to write a sign for him that explains that he's a pathetic American who needs money for a ticket, so that he can take it around and beg. Ow. That doesn't sound like fun, but it's reasonably resourceful, and I give them all due credit for not giving up, given their bad circumstances. He's also got his cowboy hat on again, so I'd give him five bucks just for that. But when we see him, he's changed hats (dang), and he's explaining to a woman that Paige is his sister, and they're stuck. As they go from person to person, they collect little bits of money. "In five minutes, we had, like, twenty dollars," Blake explains. Sheesh. Why did I go to law school again? Blake tells Paige that they shouldn't tell the other teams they made money begging, because other people will start doing it. I don't know if I think that's true or not. All kidding aside, it would take a lot for me to just ask strangers for money, particularly in a non-emergency situation. But I suppose desperation does things to people.
Here, at long last, is Team Drawl at the bus station. They explain that their cab driver was just the worst ever, and they drove all over the place, which is how they fell from fifth to last -- ouch! They go inside and run into Blake and Paige. The four of them wind up on the 2:30 direct bus to Foz do Iguacu.
Lead bus. Xerox, Tarawil, Boston. And then suddenly, doonk-doonk-doonk...uh-oh. The bus pulls over. Turns out one of the inside tires blew out. That is not good news. Chris: "We had, like, a half-hour lead on the Preachers [shot of Jeebus], and, like, Cha-Cha-Cha [shot of Danny and Oswald]." Cha-Cha-Cha? Hee. Xerox/Job explains that they really didn't think anything else could go wrong. But it did, of course. Everyone looks at the bus, depressed.
Commercials. If you loved Paul Walker in The Fast and the Furious, you're going to love him in Joy Ride. If you loved him in The Skulls, Varsity Blues, or any other film in which he second-bananaed for a Dawson's Creek refugee, please get yourself to a doctor as quickly as possible.
Amazing Flat-Tire Bus. The teams anxiously try to flag down passing buses as they wait for their tire to be fixed. Chris (a red bandanna tied around his head, bleh) watches the driver suspiciously, saying that he'll step right in if the guy isn't doing it right. He says, "I know how to do this stuff." What, change bus tires? Man, I need background info. They give me none, of course. Boston jumps right into the tire-changing, probably annoying the hell out of the bus driver. It actually looks like Boston and Xerox work together on changing the tire (while Wil looks on, pretending to be amused and bored -- it's like the way there's always one guy at a wedding who can't master the Electric Slide, so he stands at the edge of the dance floor yelling at his friends about how dumb they look), and sure enough, it's fixed pretty quick.
Meanwhile, in Sao Paolo, Gary and Dave and Peggy and Claire de-bus and look for their connection so they can re-bus. Gary and Dave make the 6:00 connection, but Peggy and Claire are stuck waiting for the 8:00 due to an apparent seat shortage. Gary and Dave's bus, however, quickly runs into trouble. Yay! Best mechanical difficulties ever! Gary regales us with the non-hilarious story of a woman, her cell phone, and how he wanted a new bus rather than a mechanic to fix the current bus. It's quite a barn-burner. At least, he thinks so. Eventually, they nag seats on a passing bus and get on their way as well. In order to do this, Gary tells us that he had to "sell [his] first child." Market price for Spawn of Gary? Three dollars. Demand -- Supply's Stealthy Counterpart.
The Bus Formerly Known As The Lead Bus. Alex and Tara are sharing a warm flirty chuckle over a map. A little voice inside my head goes "chicka," but I cut it off before it goes any further. Meanwhile, Wil talks to a big dirty man, who is probably teaching him how to say "cuckold" in Portuguese. When the bus reaches its destination, the teams get into these...well, I don't know quite what to call them. They're like SUVs Lite. Not a golf cart, not yet a Land Rover. (Damn, I'm always a couple weeks off with the RDC Challenge.) They have to drive the little Weeniemobile into the woods to a route marker at the Macuco Safari Dock at Iguacu Falls. Except Xerox, of course, because of the FF -- Shola and Doyin hop in and head right for the jungle camp.
In the continuing Déjà Vu portion of our program, Boston and Tarawil have now formed The World's Second Most Tenuous Alliance. Alex explains that "you have to have another strong team with you" to make it to the end of the race. Apparently, Alex didn't watch TAR1, because if we learned anything there (not to mention from the Esquire and Guido interviews), it was that alliances don't work in this game. Anyway, Tara wants to wait for Boston (chicka), but Wil wants to get going and ditch them. Ditching wins out, to Alex's dismay. "Tara's yelling, 'Wait, wait!'" he notes heatedly (bamp), "but he just hauls ass! Screw him, man." Ooooh, Alex is pissed.
In The Weeniemobile Of Reaping What You Sow, Wil is suddenly discovering that he can't get it out of low gear. (And that, of course, would contribute to the chicka-chicka-bamp-bamp...[cough]. Sorry.) No, literally -- he can't get the car to move. Before you know it, they meet up with Boston. "We're stuck in low gear," Wil says, all friendly. "Do you know how to get it out of low gear real quick?" Tara scolds him: "Now you want their help. When you wanted to pass them before." She goes on, "You're a horrible, evil man." "Shut up," he commands. For whatever reason (it escapes me entirely, although I guess it has something to do with Tara's charms), Boston agrees to stay with Tarawil. Alex loudly adds, "Even though you left us." Hmm. So Eye Candy makes an alliance with Grouchy Separated People, even though Grouchy Separated Man is clearly planning to bail out whenever he thinks it benefits him. Eye Candy decides to go the honor-and-loyalty route long after there's any chance of their attitude being returned, and before you know it, there's The Vibe Of Big Love going between one of the Eye Candies and Grouchy Separated Wife. I have a feeling I've seen this show before. Man, I wasn't crazy last season. I was ahead of my time.
Gary and Dave arrive at the bus station at Iguacu ten minutes before Jeebus, Mary and the Fruit, and Cha-Cha-Cha. How did that happen? The other people had a direct bus! And Gary and Dave's connecting bus broke down! Huh? I need more explanation. The reversals in this episode are baffling. You remember the thing from math class where multiplying by a negative number will make a positive change to a negative and a negative change to a positive? This bus ride is like that. Very confusing.
Tarawil and Boston approach the McFlag. "I find it very hard to believe there's anybody ahead of us and Tara and Wil," Alex says anxiously. When they get out of the jeeps, Tara wants to wait for Boston (chicka-chicka), but Wil wants to get going. They get going. They run to the flag. Roadblock. In this particular Roadblock, the chosen team member has to get in a little speedboat and go to the falls to spot a flag, and then they have to climb up to the flag to get the clue. A fairly isolating Roadblock -- it's no beetle larvae. The Roadblock tells the teams to pick the team member with "keen eyes and a good sense of direction." Tara immediately points to herself. Alex takes the Detour on behalf of Boston. "We start just hawlin' up the riv-ah," Alex explains steamily. They fly over the rapids in their little boats to the falls. Tara has trouble spotting the flag. Alex sees it. "There's the flag!" he yells. "Stay alive! Whatever occurs! I will find you!" Okay, he doesn't say that last part. But he does show her where the flag is. The two of them get off the boats and head up the trail to the flag.
In an interview, Alex says, "There's, like, a good chemistry that goes on with Tara and I. She's really cool, and we have a great time together." (Bamp-bamp.) They reach the clue at the top and raise their arms in triumph. Together, they view a rainbow. (Swelling violins.) Why do I have a feeling Chris is somewhere projecting the rainbow with a flashlight and a bunch of mirrors and going, "Duuuuude"? Never leave your wing man. At any rate, now they have to drive and then hike until they get to the jungle camp. As Phil explains, the last team to check in here -- dramatic pause -- will be eliminated.
Xerox finds the camp and gets out of their Weeniemobile. They take yet another little spill on the hike. Sheesh. As one of them voices over about lack of nourishment and lack of sleep, they finally reach the mat. The greeter welcomes them to Iguacu, and Phil tells them they're in first place. "Have a little trouble?" Phil asks. "A lot of trouble," they lament. Indeed. One of them insists in an interview, though, that it's going to take more than injuries for them to be beaten down.
Peggy and Claire get into the Weeniemobile, just as Boston and Tarawil run up to the mat. Boston edges Tarawil on the run, and so they land in second place. Tarawil is team number three. Wil says that "you're going to slowly see these other teams deteriorate." Whatever. Furthermore, Wil, if I ever have to actually see all of the purple and white flowered shirt you're wearing in that interview, of which I can now see only the collar, you will officially become The Worst-Dressed Contestant In The History Of This Show.
If you believe the editing, the Roadblock is being done by Dave, just ahead of Mary, Russell, and Danny. Peggy and Claire open the Roadblock clue and Claire takes it. "I have a great sense of direction," she says. Cut immediately to Claire in the boat, looking around helplessly, saying, "I don't see it."
And now, based on that very cut, it's time for a little Editor Appreciation. I have told people over and over that one of the primary things that sets this show apart from many others like it is the high quality of the editing. The editing of this show is consistently skillful (I can usually tell what's going on, at least well enough, despite what are sometimes upwards of ten pockets of activity), perfectly paced (it ain't edge-of-your-seat stuff as it comes out of the cameras, you can bet your ass) and witty (as it was right there, and as it was repeatedly during the first season -- the cut to Kevin and Drew dancing, the cut to the Guidos climbing up on the roof, the cut to the frozen tundra in the finale, and so forth). So because I don't like to give all the praise to the on-camera talent, give it up for your editing staff, as taken from the credits, which tell me that the guilty parties are Kinsey "Not a Loser, Baby, So Please Don't Kill Me" Beck, Paul "Flip A" Coyne, Teki "Pun This, Smart-ass" Cruikshank, Andrew "Two First Names" Frank, Paul "Not From Cheers" Frazier, Clayton "Bruiser" Halsey, Don "Juan" Misraje, Ryan "Bud" Morrell, Paul C. "Leslie" Nielsen, Skip "No, Just Skip" Robinson, James M. "Law Firm Senior Partner" Smith, and Eric "Named After Two Forms Of Transportation" Van Wagenen. Cheers, all.
Anyway, back at the falls, Claire is looking for the flag, and she does find it eventually. She hits the sand with a thunk when jumping off the boat, and then she has a hard time with the climb up to the flag. "I'm only a quarter of the way," she laments with a grin, "and I'm shot." She gets there anyway, and gets back down and into her boat. She informs Peggy they're last, and tells her that she knows it for sure. Which she doesn't, of course. You know, those negativity sandwiches are hard to swallow, ladies.
Mary and the Fruit (are they even on this show anymore?) run up to the finish, and they're fourth. Gary and Dave (who were NINTH starting this leg) pass Jeebus (who were SECOND starting this leg) on the run up to the mat, and they finish fifth. Arrrrgh. Jeebus slides into sixth. Cha-Cha-Cha shows up to nab seventh.
Peggy and Claire drive up. "We are last, Claire," Peggy says dispiritedly. "Yeah, we are last," Claire agrees. God, SHUT UP. As they do the hike, Claire talks about how the falls were all worth it, she has no regrets, blah blah blah defeatismcakes. She does call Phil "Doctor Doom," though, which is pretty funny. The other teams also aren't helping any, because they've all gathered and they're staring somberly as Peggy and Claire approach, because this is going to be so hilarious. Yawn. Phil tells them they're eighth. And in an exact replica of the end of last week's episode, they are shocked. Surprised. Amazed. Thrilled. Hugs and cheers all around. Okay, Peggy and Claire. You got these two episodes to do that. But please don't keep doing that. Please don't do that every week, because it is now officially OLD.
And the big laggers are Paige and Blake and Norm and Hope on that 2:30 bus out of Rio. It's sad, because these two teams were buds a little bit on the first leg, and now they basically know one of them is out. Blake and Paige find a guy with a guidebook on the bus, and they copy a map out of it surreptitiously, feeling guilty but not regretful -- and I don't think they should feel bad at all. It's a race. You're in last. It's you or them, and this is what you do. Anyway, they copy a map that presumably takes them from the landing spot to the falls.
Blake and Paige and Hope and Norm get to the Weeniemobiles and hop in. Paige takes off, and soon realizes she's winging her way the wrong way down a one-way street. Okay, so it wasn't a great map. Norm and Hope need directions, and she hops out and starts asking whether anyone speaks English. She's doing all right until she goes into what looks like a gas station and says, "Map? Map-o?" Yeah, map-o. Not exactly an expert job of speaking to the locals, there, Hope. She means well. You know, learning to say "map," "road," "help," and about ten other words in a few different languages before you leave might be a good idea, I'm thinking. Also, you wouldn't find yourself on national television saying "map-o." ["Maybe she meant Mappo, the lost Marx Brother. Heh. Oh God, I'm Gary. Kill me." -- Sars] Anyway, she finally finds a lady who gives her directions and wishes her luck, and then she and Norm are on their way. But they've fallen behind Blake and Paige, just a little bit. "They're going to be right behind us, Paige," Blake says.
Roadblock. Paige takes it and zooms off in the boat. Norm takes it and zooms off as well. Paige, standing up in the boat. "Jeez, where is it?" she wonders. Norm, speeding along, pumping his fist. "Man, that's awesome," he says, looking at the falls. Paige sees the flag. Norm sees it too. Blake and Hope wait anxiously and awkwardly, knowing it's one or the other of them. "I knew Norm was on his way," Blake voices over ominously. "Here comes a boat," Hope suddenly says to him, and they peer out across the water together. "It's Paiger," Hope and Blake say at the same time. Blake gives Paige a thumbs-up, but you can tell he's trying not to be too showy about it. Paige de-boats, and they're off, with Blake throwing a lame, I-don't-know-what-to-say sort of "see ya" to Hope as he goes. Norm comes toward Hope in his boat.
But Blake and Paige are already running up to Phil. "Blake and Paige," Phil says, "you're team number nine." "We'll make up for it tomorrow," Paige says cheerily.
Norm and Hope walk up the path. "I feel good," he says to her. "I don't know what we could have done different, hon," she says. Mat. Phil tells them they're booted from the race. "It's been a good one," Norm says, with what looks like a fairly sincere smile. In a post-boot interview, he says that his key point was to "enjoy some of these fabulous places, and to experience it with my best friend, which is my wife." She tells us that earlier on, he told her he'd found his girlfriend again. She says she feels the same. "He's my choice, I choose him, no matter what."
And just as we fade to black, Miss Alli's Dad -- loudly, from UPSTAIRS, where he allegedly IS NOT WATCHING, because he can't watch any single television program for more than six seconds without changing the channel: "Awwwww."
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
time: Peggy and Claire oversleep, and Blake declines to wake them up. The World's Second Most Tenuous Alliance cracks. Somebody tells Mary and Peach that if they go somewhere, someone will kill them. Doesn't that sound like fun?