This week, it's time to put your hands in the air and -- yes, I know you're a caring person. I'm saying you have to put aside your personal feelings and wave them LIKE you just don't care. Why, you ask? Why? Well, to salute the posters on the forums, of course. What's this you say? You don't hang out on the forums? What are you thinking?
Previously on How Bruckheimer Got His Oeuvre Back: An elephant stomped, but not as insistently as the petulant Amie, who got to hissing and spitting with the gone-and-instantly-forgotten Light Hair. Yakkety yak, pulling hair, hitting each other with their purses, "fat bitch," "what-EV-er." Cameramen self-medicated before hurling themselves through various exotic locales with long lenses strapped to their bodies. Promises were made and broken by sad little airport gate attendants. According to Phil, Lenny "pretended" to find the clue, and took himself and Karyn to Notre Dame in error. (Perhaps an uncharitable description of the circumstances.) This made Karyn very unhappy, and she twisted the knife of his mistake so hard for so long that she tore every muscle in her arm. As for strategy? Suffice it to say that you can lead a Guido to an alliance, but you can't make him stay in it any longer than he thinks it benefits him personally. As for Dark Hair and Light Hair, they were sucked into the void by the sheer force of the bad feelings they left in their wake. A disturbing preview of this week's episode sent Dave and Margaretta's powerful fan base into fits of worry.
Credits. Bruckheimer hates me, or at least he's willing to give me a three-week pounding headache. Jerry, Jerry, what did I ever do to you -- you know, besides the incessant mocking?
Arc de Triomphe, Paris. We see the teams mingle as Phil explains that each team has to wait twelve hours to leave, as was the case in Songwe Village. First to leave the Arc are Pat and Brenda, at 9:06 PM. They rip open the clue, which tells them to go to "Le Grande Roue," which is a big, brightly lit Ferris Wheel that grows up from the dark Paris skyline. (I am told that it is left over from the millennium celebration -- thanks, forums!) The wheel, though, is only open for business from 9:00 AM to 12:30 AM. (Thus begins the theme of this week: The Mashing Of Your Substantial Lead Into Specks Of Dust Via Issues Of Unfortunate Timing.) Pat and Brenda clearly first don't quite process what 12:30 AM means, because Pat immediately announces they can do nothing until 9:00 the morning. Hello? 12:30 AM is after midnight, ladies. Brenda figures this out, and suggests that they still actually have three and a half hours, so they can probably make it across town. They ask directions, and find that the locals are pretty cooperative about directing them to the wheel. (This is a lot easier than finding the Songwe Museum, especially because they didn't immediately hop in a car and start with the indiscriminate driving.) In her interview, Pat explains that she and Brenda are getting along pretty well, but they're nervous about the Guidos. Hey -- we're all nervous about the Guidos. First week? Adorable. Last week? Smug. This week? Well, we'll have to just wait and see.
Speaking of the Guidos, what do you say we cut to them right now? What a good idea! They're leaving at 11:38 PM. Joe (who, if you're still wondering, is the blondish one) explains to the camera that Bill is "a take-charge sort of guy," so he often…well, takes charge. Hey, what do you say we see that happen? As Bill figures out the clue and leads the way into the subway, we realize that he and Joe are wearing -- oh, no! -- Team Guido knit hats. No, not just matching hats like they have worn so many other times. This time, the matching knit hats actually say, "TEAM GUIDO." That is gross. That is wrong, and dumb, and gross. Stitching your name into your clothes is all right in only two circumstances: (1) You are at summer camp; (2) you have a high school letter jacket, preferably one that you, as captain of the football team, are going to give to me, as head cheerleader, in which case said jacket should read "Steve," "Gary," "Ted," or possibly "J.R." And you can take me to the prom and buy me flowers, and then…I'm sorry, what was I talking about? Ah, yes -- Team Guido. To what I'm sure is your great surprise, they're praising themselves as they board the train. Have they mentioned that they used to live in Paris?
Rob and Brennan leave at 12:11. Their initial read of the clue is that they are camping out until the morning. Fools. You have twenty minutes! In keeping with last episode's vow by the Esquire/Danza Group (The Alliance Formerly Known As World's Most Tenuous Alliance, Minus Team Guido), the lawyers wait for Frank and Margarita, who come out at 12:18. While the trio of idiot men serves itself a big slab of self-pity on a Kaiser roll of defeatism, Margarita suggests that they do have twelve minutes, and they can at least make a go at getting there before it closes. In case you needed proof that Margarita is the brains of the operation where she and Loud Pushy Frank are concerned, you need look no further than this moment. Speaking of LPFrank, he explains that he's more "physical," whereas Margarita is more "cultured." Translation? He shoves her, and she enables him in French. In a total shout-out to Alex Richmond, Frank compliments himself on his "grit." Whatever, Loud Pushy Frank.
After EDG considers taking a shot at the Fast Forward (which Frank dismisses as "sissy stuff"), they decide to just make a break for the Ferris wheel. In their continuing effort to bring the Guinness Book of World Records people out of their offices to invent a new category called Worst Cab Etiquette Ever, Rob and Brennan appear to actually guilt-trip a pair of older women into giving up their cab. For cryin' out loud, what IS with the cab-stealing? People, please. Don't push. There's room for everyone. And keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle, too. What were you, born in a barn? Your face will freeze that way. There goes my mind, wandering again. At any rate, I'm still right about the cab-stealing. The availability of ground transportation, after all, has yet to be a major factor in this race.
EDG develops its first official Cracks Of Discord as Frank and Margarita see Team Esquire jump into a cab without them, and then have to wait to get one of their own. It's not an unambiguous abandonment, but it appears to worry the Danzas. Frank is misanthropic enough that he's not crazy about the whole alliance thing anyway, so this is playing into his every paranoid fantasy. (Miss Alli's Internal Alternative-Audio-Track Narrator: "Frank's issues are many and varied, but those who have had the opportunity to examine him closely suspect a fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, and a benign golf-ball-sized cyst that overstimulates his temper.")
Rob dimly points out that "life is a game of minutes." Oh, go sew a mother-of-pearl button on your fly, Mr. Dramatic-Flairy-Pants. I admit that you're hot, but you're not too bright, so smile pretty and don't talk a lot.
Pat and Brenda reach the wheel. They're giddy -- they're ahead, they found the clue, they have all kinds of time! Things are going so well for them!
Phil explains that once they reach the Ferris wheel, the teams have two choices. The first is an "Easy Walk," which leads to a Foucault's pendulum with a statue of a cat to it. I should point out here, that in normal use, a "Foucault pendulum" isn't a single thing, like the Arc de Triomphe. A Foucault pendulum is like a Mobius strip or a Rubik's Cube. There are lots of pendulums in the world, and any one that's properly built can display the Foucault effect (which has to do with building a pendulum long enough to demonstrate the rotation of the earth), so it’s not as simple as finding a named landmark. At any rate, in keeping with this fact, the Easy Walk has a specific trick to it -- there are two fairly well-known Foucault pendulums (pendula?) in Paris. One is at what Phil translates as the Museum of Arts and Crafts (ah, yes, they had a divine exhibit on Popsicle Stick Houses, and they have one of the world's finest collections of Macaroni Jewelry), and that's the one you DON'T want. The pendulum you want, the one with the cat statue to it, is at the Pantheon. On one hand, this is a trick. On the other, if you find somebody who happens to know that one of the pendulums has a cat statue to it and one doesn't, or even if you ask somebody who knows that there are two pendulums in Paris, you can improve your situation, so it isn't as if you're helpless at the cruel hand of fate. Furthermore, a little research has suggested to me that the pendulum at the Pantheon is the more historically significant -- it is the original site of Foucault's demonstration. On the other hand, the one at the Museum of Arts and Crafts was immortalized by Umberto Eco, so who's to say which is more "famous"? I think all we can say for sure is that finding the right pendulum would be challenging indeed. Aren't you glad we explored this subject?
The second, pendulum-less option is a "Tough Climb," which involves climbing to the top of Notre Dame to ring Quasimodo's bell. The Tough Climb is pretty straightforward (although at 297 steps, it ain't for sissies). There's only one Notre Dame, and Lenny and Karyn have, of course, already been there, so I'm thinking that might be the easier choice.
Pat and Brenda choose the Easy Walk, after taking the evening's first stab at pronouncing "Foucault." (They pronounce it "Foo-CALD.") "The Guidos are hot on our tail," Brenda observes. Frankly, I don't want to hear "hot," "tail," and "Guidos" in the same sentence. It's nothing personal -- I wouldn't want to hear "hot," "tail," and "Britney and Justin" in the same sentence either.
And here comes Team Guido indeed, racing toward the wheel in their matching knit hats AND matching outfits. I can officially report that as to Team Guido, I no longer feel the love, probably because they're not spending nearly enough time foiling Loud Pushy Frank anymore. They read the clue, and their vote in the Pronunciation Sweepstakes is for "Foo-COLT." They talk at the same time a lot, and conclude that there's nothing to do until tomorrow, since neither the pendulum nor Notre Dame will be available for exploration until 10:00 tomorrow morning. They decide to pass the time by walking through their old neighborhood (did they mention they used to live in Paris?). They are so excited by this prospect that they literally start jumping up and down, which is just so sad and lame that there's nothing to do about it except, you know, avert your eyes for your own protection. They also decide to have a glass of champagne. Apparently, they don't think they'll be needing their money very much. I think the champagne serves as a perfect symbol of their overconfidence, quite frankly. As they walk off in the direction of Rue de Waves Of Nostalgia, they speculate that nobody besides them will probably even make it to the wheel before it closes because the other teams "won't know what to do." It's sad, but arrogance does not become Team Guido, and I'm not sure they brought anything else to wear. Sigh. At least they match.
A nice bit of editing intercuts the tail end of the Guidos' dismissiveness with footage of Rob and Brennan and Frank and Margarita, all of whom arrive at the wheel and fetch the clue just before closing time. "Onward to victory!" Frank yells to his alliance, but when he and Margarita are back in the cab, he's singing his own a cappella version of "Suspicious Minds" again. Somehow, Frank secretly suspects that Team Esquire is up to something, although he's not sure what. He suspects a lack of straightforwardness. Why it isn't a straightforwardness problem for Frank to yell "onward to victory!" right before he disses the Esquires in the cab is not entirely clear.
Team Guido inquires, at what appears to be a fancy hotel, about the location of Foo-CALT's pendulum. The inquiree gives it up that they need to get to the Pantheon. Joe, apparently having added "Perpetuate Stereotypes" to his Things To Do list for the day, has a raging Corky St. Clair moment as he somewhat stupidly, as well as Corkily, makes a swinging motion with his arm and comments, "And it swings." Yeah, thanks, Joe, because I was wondering what a pendulum did. I knew it wasn't tap-dancing, but beyond that, I was really struggling. He and Bill say "perfect" over and over again, and high-five each other. Ugh.
12:27 AM. Team Shower-Fresh Scent is ready to go. Kevin rips open the clue. When they see that the wheel closes at 12:30, they take a look at the Fast Forward, which will require them to visit a tea shop. As they consider their options, they stop a guy on the street for some help, and he asks them where they're from. "New Yawk," Drew says, in exactly the way you're imagining. In spite of this, the guy points them in the direction of the wheel, and they're off. Footage of the wheel being closed up for the night. When Shower-Fresh arrives, they can't get to the clue. They ask the guy who is guarding the Ferris wheel (in case someone runs off with it stuffed under a coat by attempting to pass it off as an extremely large quantity of cheese, I suppose) whether there were other Americans there that night. Told that there were, Drew and Kev fret, afraid of getting too far behind the lead teams. They decide to go for the Fast Forward, despite Kevin's very reasonable concern that they'd be better off saving the FF for later in the race. (These guys are, as you may have noticed, quite smart. Don't mistake their goofy accents for a lack of intellect.) They are off to find the tea shop. Phil gives some details about going into the shop and asking for a specific tea, which will lead to the FF pass. Meanwhile, Kevin does his best "blah blah blah" imitation of what French sounds like, which sounds very much like Ross from Friends doing his Paolo impression, although that was, of course, a dramatic interpretation of Italian. They're both Romance languages, though, and we've learned from Dark Hair and Light Hair that one of those is pretty much like another.
2:18 AM. Paul and Amie. They talk about the pressures of the race, and make it known that they still like each other, despite the fact that they've realized that neither of them is particularly likeable. There's a certain fairness to that, actually. Paul, in particular, seems to have noticed that the stress of the race has distracted him from how much he doesn't like Amie.
2:23 AM. Nancy and Emily prepare for departure. Emily explains that the trip has helped her get to know her mom as a person, not just a mom. Okay, awww. Then, following that touching revelation, in what is almost a bitter cruelty worthy of an episode of Touched By An Angel, the two of them very nearly get run over by a car. Eeek! As they rejoice in their narrow escape, Emily's voice-over expresses her surprise that her mom, who used to never want Emily to ride her bike in their own neighborhood, has joined her in activities like jumping off of cliffs. Not to mention almost getting smashed under the tires of a Paris taxicab.
Now, we learn an interesting fact about the fortunes of Davey and Margaretta. It seems that on the last leg, when they got to the Eiffel Tower, they ran right past the flag at the bottom that explained what they had to do. Through a combination of luck, guessing, and presumably seeing other teams running around, they (both) ran up the tower, where they got the skinny from Paul about the clue, and figured out that they should go to the Arc. Technically, this is a rules violation, because they both ran up the tower, which means that neither of them completed the one-person-all-alone-goes-up-the-tower task. Therefore, they received a time penalty and are leaving in eighth place. Booooo! Given last week's preview, I fear for Dave and Margaretta.
2:46 AM. Our beloved communal grandparents read the clue. They don't know what a "grande roue" is, so they start asking around. While they chat with helpful strangers, Margaretta says in an interview that age is all in your head, and the only time she feels old is when she looks in the mirror. I have to say that right around this time, I looked at Margaretta and was struck by how pretty she is, so I don't think she should even feel old then. Not to say that "old" and "pretty" are mutually exclusive, I'm just saying…well, you know what I mean. Davey voices over that when his wife sets her mind to something, she does it. I drop Davey a note in the mail, begging him to give husband lessons to Loud Pushy Frank.
Here go Lenny and Karyn, at last, at 3:03. Lenny explains that although he's competitive, he's not currently giving a hundred percent. He is polite enough (and perhaps attentive enough to his own well-being) not to attribute this to the fact that Karyn treats him like crap. We see them taking what looks like a chilly stroll, and as they walk, Karyn assures Lenny that she's not "asking for much," and that she doesn't want to "mess up [their] relationship." Unable to quit while she's ahead, Karyn then gently (not-so-much) points out that they need to be "thinking." Yeah, thanks, Karyn. That's not the least bit insulting.
Big Ferris Wheel Keep On Turning. Here come Paul and Amie, but as expected, they find that it's not open. Seeing that they'll be able to get in at 9:00, they sit themselves right down on the sidewalk. "Ah," Amie sighs, surprisingly good-humoredly, "this is the life." That's my official first Liking Amie Moment EVER. They note that this is the Race Leg Of Much Bunching-Up, in that basically they're all being reshuffled, and all past leads (including their own recent improvement to sixth) just don't mean all that much.
Let me make a side note here that I've heard some complaining in the forums this week about this aspect of the show -- it's unfair! Your lead just evaporates! I, personally, disagree. I think this is the right decision for dramatic purposes. If you remember watching the first Survivor, in which the Tagi alliance just sat there picking off the rest of them week after week like they were biting the heads off of defenseless chocolate bunnies, you know that when the audience knows what's going to happen, boredom can set in quick. I don't see the reshuffling of the teams as some kind of affront to the Tao of racing or anything like that. It just means you have to be on your toes and alert at every step, because you can't build up an insurmountable lead and then just coast. (I'm talking to you, Team Guido.) I wouldn't have it any other way. Furthermore, it didn't have to go this way. Had some of the teams gotten in a few hours earlier, they could have made it to the wheel and then to Notre Dame or the Pantheon before they closed. Wow. That's certainly all I have to say in defense of Jerry Bruckheimer and his crackerjack staff.
Kevin and Drew are thrilled to find the Fast Forward tea shop, although it's not an all-night tea shop, so they, like everybody else, will have to wait until morning. They toss their stuff in the doorway to wait for morning. "We have no food, we have no water…we're all set," Kevin observes with a chuckle. They lay down their sleeping bags and climb in, right against the tea-shop door. "Good night, Kevin." "Good night, Drew." And then: "Good night, John-Boy." Good night, Team Shower-Fresh!
Team Guido wanders the streets of Paris. Joe and Bill manage to make another reference to their very own French connection, hard though it may be to believe. Have they mentioned they've been to France before? Have they mentioned they have the Eiffel Tower prominently tattooed on their matching shapely fannies? Have they mentioned that they speak French in their sleep and use croissants as pincushions and once scraped the barnacles off a boat that was once owned by Jacques Cousteau? Have they mentioned that they personally negotiated the Treaty of Paris and directed the movie Paris, Texas and wrote the song "I Love Paris" and invented plaster of Paris? Yeah, I thought so. Guys? We get it. We got it a long time ago. And seriously, stop crying with nostalgia. Two years isn't even as long as I lived in a single college dorm, and there's no way I would cry at the thought of walking past it. Well, I wouldn't cry with nostalgia. Perhaps I would cry at the architectural style, which is sort of Early American Correctional Facility.
Paul and Amie and Lenny and Karyn are getting situated in their sleeping bags at the Wheel Of Big Gaudy Lights when Dave and Margaretta arrive. Warm greetings ensue. Paul zips Amie into her bag, making a remark (actually relatively amusing) about how much he enjoys shutting her into an enclosed space where she can't talk as much. Aaaaaaand it's my first Liking Paul Moment ever. (What is HAPPENING this week?) We see the six who are currently at the wheel -- Lenny/Karyn, Paul/Amie, Dave/Margaretta -- lying out under the stars. Amie giggles wildly (Liking Amie Moment #2 -- they're coming fast and furious!) as she glances over at Davey and Margaretta, who are under what looks like a stunning gold lamé duvet. My friend Snowmobile Boy, incidentally, tells me with some enthusiasm that these "emergency blankets" fold up to be extremely teeny, like half the size of your wallet -- ah, so it's probably one of Davey's clever flyboy tricks. (Of course, I haven't asked Mrs. Snowmobile Boy whether she's ever been stuck under one and how much good it did her.) As they stare at the sky, Margaretta flashes a smile so magnificent that all of under-40 America concludes that if its future holds even one smile like that, it's nothing but good times ahead.
Unfortunately, the members of the Under The Stars Brigade are not quite as lucky as they were starting to think they were, because it starts to rain. All cower under their assorted raingear. Meanwhile, elsewhere in Paris, Team Guido ducks into a little coffee shop. Joe refers to what he's sipping as "very Frohhhhnsh." Ick. You know what I think? You can't really go into a competition like this thinking you're necessarily going to win the money. The odds are against you, no matter how good you think you are. So you've got to enjoy the experience. What, you may ask, is the purpose of All This Useless Background Philosophy? Well, to point out that, all things considered, I'd rather spend the night under even a rainy Paris sky with Team Ensure, Lenny and Karyn, and even Paul and Amie than spend it holed up in a coffee shop with the Guidos. Honestly, if I wanted to hang out at Starbucks, I could do it without going to so much trouble. I think the rain-endurers are probably having more fun, even with the part where they have endure the rain. ["It'll work better in the telling later, at any rate. I mean, everyone has a Paris vacation story about going to a café in Paris. Sleeping outside in the French rain? Now that's a Paris vacation story." -- Sars]
While everyone else enjoys the relative peace of the Paris nighttime, EDG is on the move, but the two teams comprising this shaky alliance seem to have broken apart. Margarita is asking a stranger about the location of "Foh-CALT's" pendulum. The stranger correctly names the Pantheon, and is rewarded with being coughed upon by Loud Pushy Frank. Team Esquire finds the Pantheon at just about the same time. Seems that Team Danza was trying to ditch the alliance, because when Esquire arrives, Margarita chuckles and says something along the lines of "foiled again." It's so sad, because I really like Margarita, but I just can't get over what she puts up with from Frank. I'd be interested in hearing her explain it. Anyway, when EDG is reunited, their attention quickly turns to the thing they have in common -- they are very annoyed by Team Guido. (Yeah, that club is running short of membership cards, actually -- they're making them out of scraps of paper now.) Frank is, I think, both happy and frustrated that the teams are all going to be even starting at 10:00 AM. He's happy the Guidos aren't building a lead, but I think he'd rather stay ahead of the stragglers. Rob says "Fuh-CALT."
Pat and Brenda -- oh, nooooooo! They're at the Arts and Crafts Museum. Poor Pat and Brenda. Pat votes, by the way, for "Foo-COLT."
Commercials. Own The Mummy Returns? Yeah. Or not.
Morning. Up-and-at-'em for the Under The Stars Brigade. Lenny and Karyn are really cold (no, not the same way they were cold during the last episode), so they're hugging and jumping together as if it's all okay. Where I live, we usually have a number of days every winter that don't get warmer than 20 below, so I'm the first to admit that the cold can affect one's behavior. There are days when I would cling to Regis Philbin if he were warm and had a down jacket to wrap around me. For his part, Davey comments that it's great just to be up and watch the city come alive, and as cornball as that remark sounds, it's just not cornball when Davey says it and gives his sweetie a big hug. Margaretta voices over about her desire to inspire her kids and grandkids to do whatever they want to do. For some reason, perhaps related to Bruckheimer's effort to establish Margaretta as the carrier of the wisdom of the ages, the cameraman hauls out the Wrinkle-Overemphasizer filter to create a shot of her that's about as unflattering as the shot last night was lovely.
Kevin the Weatherman is over at the tea shop, and he reports that it "rained intermittently" throughout the night. He does not report the relative humidity or discuss the barometric pressure.
Nancy and Emily show up at the wheel, and ask whether all these people were really out all night. Amie confirms, again with a surprisingly chipper disposition, that they were. "Why didn't you go to the hotel?" Nancy asks incredulously. "What hotel?" a suddenly-darkening Amie demands. Hee! I don’t know why Nancy and Emily went to a hotel and everyone else didn't, but Amie certainly doesn't seem happy that somebody in the group has washed their hair recently, and that it's not her.
Come 9:00 AM, the Under The Stars Brigade plus Nancy and Emily pick up the clue about the pendulum/bell. Unlike everyone last night, who chose to go for the Easy Walk, this entire group goes for the Tough Climb. (After all, if you've got the legs for it, why chase a pendulum when you know exactly where Notre Dame is?) Nancy, incidentally, goes with the simplest pronunciation of all: "Focus pendulum."
Drew has a slight Ugly American moment as he observes to Kevin (who, it would appear, has been disagreeing) that he "just [doesn't] think the city's anything special." He rates it no better than SoHo. Now I realize this sort of makes Drew a dork at this particular moment, in the sense that I think majority world opinion is that Paris is more interesting than SoHo. (I have very, very limited experience with both, so I'm not judging.) On the other hand, I think the most important thing is that Drew didn't say this to any actual French people. Furthermore, I have certainly had the experience of visiting supposed tourist paradises only to find they aren't very different from things I've seen a million times, so I'm not entirely without sympathy. A nattily dressed fellow approaches the shop, and as he unlocks the front door, they confirm that he is the manager. Once the Natty Tea Store Manager has gone inside, Drew leans over to Kevin and delivers the Shower-Fresh Dialogue of the Week: "Geez, why did I think it was gonna be an old guy who looked like Ben Franklin?" Hee! Inside the shop, the boys request the special tea, and Natty Tea Store Manager takes the can from the shelf and opens it, then extends it toward Shower-Fresh. Happily, Kev plucks the envelope from inside, and then the guys take a moment to stick their heads in the tea and take a big sniff. Drew pronounces the tea "oregano-y." Huh. That doesn't actually sound all that appetizing, actually, unless you combine it with some marjoram and basil and call it Pizza Tea. ["Actually, you should really run out and trademark that before Starbucks steals the idea." -- Sars] The FF pass tells them to go to Chateau Les Baux. Since Les Baux is described as being in the south of France, Drew is hoping it will be warmer, and maybe they can go to the beach. I'm not sure France is that big, Drew. You're in knit hats and coats in Paris, so I don't think you'll be in swim trunks at the Chateau. They're on their way.
Cut to Chateau Les Baux, a ruins-style stone castle at the top of a mountain. Phil exposits that it's 300 miles south of Paris, so I'm sticking with my original estimation that the likelihood of a complete change of season is slim indeed.
Paris subway, pendulum hunting. Joe sings that he "can't wait to see the big pendulum." Joe, you can sing it, but that doesn't make it a song. He comments that he and Bill "aren't going to kill [themselves]," and that they're "nice and relaxed" and "can stay [that] way." Methinks the boys have a matching case of the smugs. Joe then pronounces the situation "parfait," and Bill has to be informed that it means "perfect" in French, in addition to being a star attraction at the Dairy Queen. "You don’t know that?" Joe says disbelievingly. Bill, surprisingly, does not hit him.
EDG, approaching the Pantheon as morning comes. Frank refers to looking for "a statue called Rene Russo," which I thought was actually slightly funny -- or would have been slightly funny, had it not been said by Loud Pushy Frank. Margarita clarifies that it's Foo-CALT's pendulum they're looking for. Frank needs some French on a sign translated, so he yells for Margarita. "Do you need me?" she calls back from off-camera where, in my imagination, she's making out with Rob. "I just need your brain, I don't need your emotions," he responds, completely gratuitously. As she straightens her clothes and wipes the attorney smell off her face, she protests with a chuckle that she is in fact a person and not a dinner menu, and that LPFrank can't expect to order up certain aspects of her personality a la carte. How does LPFrank respond? "Don’t make me hurt you." Ah, loooovely. Margarita translates the French for him, which he doesn't deserve.
Pat and Brenda, waiting outside the wrong museum. They're grinning, while the Ominous Music of Doom plays. It strikes me that one of Pat and Brenda's problems here was that they were in first place, and they may well have been unalarmed by the fact that no other teams were at the wrong museum when they got there, because they may well have assumed that nobody else successfully figured out the wheel before it closed. Had they been clumped with other teams, I think their suspicions might have been raised. They walk around the museum, and they find a place where you can look down through glass at a pendulum below. "There's the pendulum," Brenda remarks. "There's a pendulum," Pat says presciently. "That's it," Brenda reasonably, but wrongly, responds. They look inside and don't see a cat.
Notre Dame. Paul and Amie, Davey and Margaretta, Lenny and Karyn, Nancy and Emily, all approaching.
Team Guido, refreshed from a night of coffee and self-love, walks toward the Pantheon at 10:00 AM. Spotting it, Joe busts out his most irritating moment yet: "Voila! So say the Frohhhhnsh." Yeah, okay. You're so fucking French you can say "Voila." I can say "caveat emptor," and it doesn't make me Julius Caesar, so just pipe down, chucklehead. They see the other teams, and Bill somewhat dispiritedly remarks as follows: "Rob and Margarita are here, and Frank and Brennan." See? I think Margarita WAS making out with Rob, and Bill can just sense the sexual tension from across the street. In other news, can I just ask why the Guidos are so surprised? What did they think was going to prevent the other teams from finding their way to the Pantheon sometime before ten in the morning? I mean, the wheel opened an hour ago, so even if the other teams hadn't made it to the wheel by 12:30 the night before, they'd probably be here now. Just how much smarter than everyone else do these guys think they are?
As the Guidos approach their ex-alliance-mates, Bill mutters to Joe, "Don't say a word. Don't say where we were." What? Who gives a rip? You think EDG is going to glean some kind of crucial information from the fact that you sipped tea and took a walk? Team Guido is really beginning to annoy me. EDG notices the approaching matching outfits, which Margarita calls "trouble." Rob voices over that the other contestants feel that Joe and Bill "try to hold other people back with deceit and trickery." Did you really say that, Rob? Is that the way you talk? It appears that aforementioned lawyer has been drafting an overabundance of legal documents. Further affiant saith not.
Joe, approaching the group: "Bonjour! Bonjour! Hey, big strong guys like you, how come you're not doing the steps? Don’t you need a little aerobic exercise?" The members of EDG could not look more unamused if they were having a gang bikini wax. "What did you guys do last night?" someone asks the Guidos. "Oh, we just looked all night, looked everywhere all night," Bill lies self-importantly, as if (1) EDG is so stupid that they're going to think these guys spent the last nine and a half hours looking for the Pantheon; and (2) their episode of tea-drinking is so important -- so world-bendingly indicative of something crucial (their own superiority, I presume) -- that they don't want to release the information, lest they create a panic. They are really working my last nerve here.
It's 9:59, the agonizing Moment Before Everything Opens. Pat and Brenda are at the wrong museum, Guido and EDG are at the right museum, and everybody else is at Notre Dame (except Kevin and Drew, who are on their way to the south of France). Brenda is beginning to worry that she and Pat may not be in the right place. There is much good-natured banter among the Notre Dame crowd. Back at the Pantheon, Rob and Brennan voice-over that the teams waiting there made an agreement that when the Pantheon opened, they would walk in "like gentlemen" (presumably except for Margarita). Rob says they agreed to go "in the order in which [they] arrived: [Rob and Brennan], Frank and Margarita, and then Bert and Ernie." Snort.
The clock ticks to 10:00 AM. Everybody storms the appropriate French landmark (or, in the case of Pat and Brenda, the inappropriate French landmark). And here, ladies and gentlemen, is The Great Single-File Controversy. Basically, what occurs is that the three teams that were waiting at the Pantheon do indeed enter in an orderly way -- Esquire, Danza, Guido. But EDG doesn't see the pendulum and walks right by it. The Guidos see it, and go straight to it, thus becoming the first team to pick up the clue. Rob believes that this is a violation of the go-in-order pact. I, personally, don't. I think it was reasonable, mostly for the sake of the other people visiting or working at the Pantheon, for them to find a way not to run into the building like a gang of out-of-control twelve-year-olds. But once they were inside, I don’t think the agreement required Team Guido to point out where the pendulum was and wait for EDG to come over and go ahead of them. I will never state this point any better than it was put by Sars, who pointed out that the name of the show is The Amazing Race, not The Amazing Montessori School. (In a few years, that's going to stop making me laugh out loud every time I see it.) I understand EDG's frustration, but I don't think Team Guido violated the agreement -- and even if they had, I think the adventures of Big Brother Will have pointed out that agreements, on a game show, aren't exactly the same as agreements in your actual life. I would also point out that after Team Guido grabs the clue and bolts, Frank and Margarita go , so EDG itself didn't stick to the order, which would have put the Esquires . At any rate, the clue tells the teams to find a man in the blue suit across from the Hotel de Ville.
As Bill and Joe try to wipe Rob and Frank's spit off of the backs of their matching jackets, they make their way toward the Hotel de Ville, voicing over that they try to be friendly, but that their real aim is to intimidate the other teams. Yeah, thanks for the tip. We had no idea.
Pat and Brenda can't find the cat. Sniff.
Notre Dame and The Climb Of Many Stairs. Paul and Amie reach the top, then Lenny and Karyn, then Emily and Nancy, who says, "Oh, please, God," as she climbs. Yeah, no kidding. I'm tempted to say, "Oh, please, God," just looking at them climbing that many steps. I had to walk up seven flights of stairs at work the other day, and I considered it no fun at all. This would be considerably worse. There's some scrambling at the top. Here come Davey and Margaretta, and hey! You! Yeah, you. You're one of the several people I've heard in the last few weeks speculating that Davey and Margaretta probably weren't even doing the harder physical challenges, because they weren't shown doing the bungee jump or running up the Eiffel Tower. Here's where you apologize. Not only do they go up almost 300 steps at Notre Dame, but I'd point out that their entire rules violation was based on the fact that, unlike everybody else, they BOTH climbed the Eiffel Tower. So let's not have any more of the doubting of Team Ensure. They could probably kick your ass as well as mine.
Everybody rings the bell, blah. The only noteworthy moment is that Emily, in a way that's kinda sweet, lets her mom do the ringing. "You want to ring the bell, Mom?" That was nice.
, we are wading through the teeming humanity on the streets of Paris. (Teeming humanity, in this case, seeming to consist largely of Japanese tourists.) Pat and Brenda make it to the Pantheon and find the cat, finally. They agree to keep a positive attitude, noting that all they have to do is stay in the pack, and they can win it in the end.
Commercials. Zoom zoom zoom.
Team Guido walks toward the Hotel de Ville, talking yet again about the reasons why they're the coolest kids in school -- everyone else probably got taxis, everyone else is stuck in traffic, and they are free to just walk in a serene way in the direction of the hotel. Cut to Paul and Amie, running like hell. (That's a nice edit, incidentally.) Paul and Amie are the first to arrive at the man-in-blue-suit stop, where the teams hit a roadblock. As Lenny and Karyn arrive, and then Nancy and Emily, Team Guido is still strolling, speculating that the other teams will all "have to figure out where [the hotel] is." How hard do they think it is to get somebody in Paris to tell you where something is? I don't think I need to emphasize any further how seriously the Guidos have overestimated their advantage here. "They don’t know Paris, and they don't know where they're going," Joe continues. Cut to Frank and Margarita, already at the roadblock. In one final stroke of couldn't-have-planned-it-better, just as Joe and Bill are congratulating themselves on smart they are, they literally look over to see Rob and Brennan to them, waiting to cross the street. It would, of course, be better if they realized that they are two of the LAST three teams approaching the roadblock, but even this is brilliant. I don't care much for Esquire, but their smiles here are priceless. Brennan, in particular, looks nearly drunk with excitement. "Oh, my God, look who's here!" Joe says, pretending to be cheerful, as if his poorest and most uncultured relative just dropped in, bringing burlap-sack clothing and missing front teeth, on his fancy dinner party. "Uh-huh," Bill says unhappily. "So now it's 'run.'" Heeeee hee hee. Thank you, Team Esquire, for that. I may give you extra points for foiling the Guidos, much as the Guidos once got extra points for foiling Frank. More whining: "How could you guys beat us here?" Bill laments when they reach the roadblock. "Shut up! Don't worry about it," Joe counters. The theme of this sequence? The shattering of the Guido Mystique. ["You know, 'mystique' is a French word." -- Sars]
The roadblock today involves walking two blocks through the Paris sewers (though remember that only one team member has to do it). In case you forget what a sewer is, Phil reminds us that it is "filled with steaming raw sewage." Thanks, Phil. I thought it was where they kept the confetti and party hats.
There is the donning of white sewer-suits and helmets. Paul is going. Karyn. Emily. Frank. Davey. Joe. Brennan. As Karyn works her way through the tunnel, Lenny walks along the street toward the place where he will meet up with her, and he notes that he has "one-hundred-fifty-percent faith" in Karyn. That's about one hundred fifty times the faith Karyn has in him, unfortunately.
In a moment I particularly love, a nervous Nancy carries her bag and Emily's toward the destination. "Emily is in the sewer, underneath Paris," she says with a grin of sheepish good cheer. She clearly can't decide whether it's completely terrifying or totally cool that her kid is walking in a Paris sewer. Meanwhile, the Guidos are having suiting-up difficulties. Maybe this is why they usually wear matching outfits -- they can work together on the challenges presented by the process of getting dressed. Lots of shots of various people walking in the sewer with flashlights. Rats are seen. We learn that "steaming raw sewage" is not just a colorful expression.
Paul retrieves the clue at the end first. Over in the forums, there was some question as to whether a rat was on Paul as he did so, but I am happy to report that it's just a shadow. Creepy enough for me nonetheless. People emerge from the sewer, including, unfortunately, Loud Pushy Frank.
New status report? Kevin and Drew are in front, with the Fast Forward pass. are Paul and Amie and Lenny and Karyn. In the middle, we have Emily and Nancy, Frank and Margarita, and Rob and Brennan. Trailing are Bill and Joe, Dave and Margaretta, and Pat and Brenda.
We get a very sad shot of Pat and Brenda approaching the sewer and noticing that everyone else has clearly already been there. Ouch! They laugh, so as not to cry.
Bill and Joe are on the subway. Joe: "It would be just our luck to lose this thing in Paris when we lived here for two years." Okay, first of all, it's not your "luck." Your "luck" has been fine. Your overconfidence is the problem. Second of all, if you mention your time spent in Paris one more time, I'm going to crawl through my TV, come find you, and put snags in all your most expensive sweaters. Bill assures Joe that they won't lose.
At the Gare de Lyon train station, folks board the train on their way to the Chateau. Paul and Amie share a well-deserved moment of excitement with Lenny and Karyn about being at the front of the pack. (No kidding! What's not to love about worst-to-first?) Meanwhile, Frank and Margarita have an extremely stupid argument in which he repeatedly yells "Relax!" in a most unrelaxing manner, and she repeatedly says, "Don't yell at me." This is at least a glimmer of hope for Margarita's backbone. The two of them spot an approaching Rob and Brennan. When Esquire sees Danza, they decide to go over and share the info they have about the train. Danza responds in a chilly manner that they already know everything. If you ask me, Esquire should have dropped LPFrank right at this point. Alliance, schmalliance.
Joe and Bill rush through the train station, while Bill voices over that "in Paris, [they] might have been a little overconfident," and then he mentions a certain historical fact about himself and Joe that I am not, for the sake of their sweater collections, going to acknowledge having heard. Bill thinks they were complacent. Hmm, you think? When the Guidos come across the Paul/Amie, Lenny/Karyn, Nancy/Emily group, they start to lend a hand, on the theory that helping teams they perceive as weak improves their chances of knocking out a strong team. "We're going to help you guys, you remember this," Joe calls out in an insufferably self-important tone. What they actually do, however, is lead the so-called "Underdogs" to the wrong train, then turn tail and abandon them. What the hell was the point of that? First of all, it's fucking rude. I know, I know -- you don't have to be polite during a race. Nevertheless, you also do not have to choose to be a total raving asshole, and specifically seeking people out and offering help to them, only to screw them utterly…that's just tacky. Bad form, gents. You can choose to play that way, but I don't have to like you for it. The Underdogs make it onto the right train okay, but they're now firmly in the anti-Guido camp. It appears that all Team Guido accomplished there was building up the reservoir of ill will against them.
Karyn and Lenny have a really unsettling conversation…well, she has a conversation with herself, for the most part…in which she tries to express her excitement, and Lenny still is clearly carrying his Arc Agony and doesn't talk to her. Elsewhere, Nancy uses her Magical Mom Powers to guess that "somebody didn't make the train." Cut to Dave and Margaretta, at the station. Cut to Pat and Brenda, back by the sewer.
Commercials. John Cusack, I want to marry you.
Drunken cameramen frolic atop the ruins, where Phil shows us the flag. Drew and Kevin arrive, and are greeted by the mayor of Les Baux de Provence, who tells them they're in first. They hug. "Who's better than us, here, on top of the South of France?" Drew wonders as they stare at the gorgeous view. "With everybody lookin' at our behinds, no less." Heh.
Back at the train station, Dave and Margaretta get the train. Phil explains that there's a standard "tourist" way to get to Les Baux, which is to take the train from Paris to Marseilles, and then a taxi from Marseilles to the castle. Locals, however, know to get off at Avignon and then take a cab from there, which is a good hour faster. Right on cue, Team Guido jumps off at Avignon, with Joe muttering that "this might turn out to be the best little trip we ever found." EDG gets off at Avignon as well. The Underdogs wonder what to do. They've already been screwed by Team Guido, after all. Speaking of whom, Bert and Ernie (hee!) do entirely too much fist-pumping and chanting of the word "Yes!" as they speculate about all the ground they're going to gain on everyone by getting off at Avignon. I need them to shut up. I need it bad. Somewhere in a cab, Brennan explains that Rob met up with a guy on the train who happened to know about the shortcut. They passed the info to Frank and Margarita, who didn't deserve it. Ever ungrateful, Frank and Margarita bitch in their cab about how Esquire is only keeping them around "because they [Esquire] already used their Fast Forward" and "for [Margarita's] language skills." Well, yeah. They're hoping you'll be helpful. Just like they were just helpful to you, you stuck-up turds. Danza announces that their interest in the alliance is over. Yeah, it's really not paying off for you, there, guys. Good thinking! Morons.
The Underdogs almost get off the train at Avignon, but they don't. Darn. I would have liked to see the Foiling of the Guidos be pulled off more completely. The Underdogs swear their solidarity, which seems sort of genuine, actually.
At Avignon, something wonderful happens. The imperiled Dave and Margaretta, America's Grandparents, get off the train. Across the viewing world, whoops of gratitude are heard from all those who agonized over the preview all week. I don't know how they knew to get off the train, but they're pretty smart cookies, and they've previously shown the sense to look at maps and ask for help, so I'm betting that came in handy.
Frank refuses to look at the stunning view out of the cab as they approach the pit stop, lest his concentration be disturbed. I guess he's in Show Mode (tm Sports Night). Thanks, Mr. Non-Appreciator Of Natural Beauty.
Team Esquire climbs to the top, as do Team Danza and Team Guido. "How'd they get here so fast?" a Guido whines. Welcome, Frank and Margarita! You are number two. (Frank, weirdly, smiles and hugs his wife affectionately, even politely introducing her to the mayor. I think he's lightheaded from the altitude.) Welcome, Rob and Brennan! You are number three.
Here's my highlight. Team Guido come running up and step (a bit more carefully than last time) on the yellow mat. "Welcome," intones the mayor. "You are --" Joe breaks in. "We're team number three!" "You are team number four," the mayor corrects. Joe's face crumples in this way that's just…entirely too funny for me to adequately describe. It's like he just got a telegram that Guido the dog has come down with heartworm. Bill looks sick. I laugh and laugh.
Dave and Margaretta hold hands in the cab. At Marseilles, the Underdogs disembark. Together, they get cabs. Amie is being so pleasant, I swear it's like her body's been taken over by aliens. Where's the Amie of "you're a fat bitch" fame?
Here are my darlings, Dave and Margaretta, making their way to the top. "You are team number five," says the mayor, the greeter with my favorite accent yet. Team Ensure is thrilled -- THRILLED -- at the news. "Five? Wow, we made up some time!" Davey rejoices. (Remember, they got dumped back to eighth this morning because of the rules violation.) They embrace happily, and I think Margaretta says either "hit me one" or "give me one," and they have a big smooch. The MBTV Amazing Race community sends a big bouquet of flowers to tell them that our cup runneth over with love.
The Underdogs seem pretty convinced that they can all arrive safely, which means they either know very well or not well enough what the positions of the other teams are. They climb the hill together. "Come on, Nance," Paul encourages. And what's with Paul all of a sudden? Is this just the result of making some friends and getting to talk to some people besides Amie? Is it the result of doing better in the game? What's the deal? When Paul is told that he and Amie are sixth, it's clear that his first thought is to make sure that's far up enough that the other Underdogs are okay. "We're sixth, so we're good," he calls back to them. Lenny and Karyn are just behind them in seventh, and then Nancy and Emily are eighth. "You're okay, Nance," Paul reassures as Nancy seems to struggle with the last few steps.
The Underdogs celebrate, and it really looks pretty sincere, except perhaps on the part of Lenny and Karyn. I think Paul and Amie and Emily and Nancy actually all like each other. Frankly, they're all being too nice for me to pick on them right at the moment.
Sigh. The sad part. Pat and Brenda slog away from the train station, telling themselves they're not last. They know that they are, though, because they haven't seen another team all day. At the top, Phil actually seems to pop out even more suddenly than usual to deliver the bad news. Brenda's head drops onto Pat's shoulder. "We thought so," Pat says with a gracious smile. With similar good spirits, Brenda says, "Who knew that there were two Foo-CALL's pendulums in Paris?" They hug. They're crying. Brenda talks about how much she loved doing it, and how rejuvenating it was. All things considered, these two are remarkably, wonderfully good sports. Good show, ladies.
Number of times that anyone besides Phil pronounced "Foucault" correctly (approximately, "Foo-COH")? Zero.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: A boat. Making out. The Coliseum, and something that looks like Gladiator. More Lenny and Karyn fighting. Emily kicks something. Dave and Margaretta grin like fools, in the best way.