First, a warm hello to everybody who's made me, or anyone, smile in the last ten days. Keep it up.
Previously on The Amazing Race: Team Guido wore matching outfits. There was more running and bad driving than in the movie Skulls, and stereotypes were firmly established to help us all understand each other a little bit better. Emily's mom said "Emily" -- or rather something more like "Imily" -- a lot. Kevin and Drew were impressed by Victoria Falls, even when it turned out not to be the name of an exotic dancer. I loved Dave and Margaretta, I hated Paul and Amie, and Loud Pushy Frank shoved his wife. Phil thinks trust strengthened Frank and Margarita's bond. I think the shoving strengthened Margarita's case for a restraining order. I got rid of Matt and Ana just before I would have started tearing my hair out at the sight of them.
Credits. Bruckheimer continues his effort to spread seizures across America.
Songwe Village, Zambia. Looking at the intro footage, it appears that the Race cameramen have gotten drunk, tied their gear to their heads, and then been thrown around by a gang of roving thugs, who probably work for the producers of Lost. Phil voices over that everybody gets to leave Songwe twelve hours after they arrived (thus answering one of the questions of last week: yes, you maintain the magnitude of your lead). The teams' task is to make it to a route marker (the already-tiresome yellow-and-white flag) by following stupid clues like you would have written when you hid your four-year-old brother's army men. ("Your army men/are where your blue/socks sit beside/your shoe shoe shoe.") In this case, the clue tells them to find "Songwe Museum." The audience is Philled in on the fact that the museum is, in fact, only a hundred yards from where the teams begin, but they don't know that. There are no signs for the museum, and no one except the villagers knows where it is. This will be easy for Rob and Brennan to understand, I'm thinking, because they probably have been forced to find espresso bars under identical conditions.
11:23 PM. Rob and Brennan, with Brennan in a dumb small-brimmed touristy-hat that makes him look appropriately like the tool he is, leave the village. But wait, they don't! They're waiting for the members of their new alliance! It seems that Team Esquire has teamed up with Team Danza and Team Guido. Team Esquire waits at the car. Of course! Go for the car! Why stop to figure out where you're going before concluding that you have to drive in order to get there? Especially when the museum has the SAME NAME AS THE VILLAGE. Way to go, nimrods. Anyway, the boys explain to their driver that they're going to travel with other teams to be "safe." I'm not sure what they think they're trying to stay safe from, given that they're traveling with Guido and Danza. Perhaps if they need protection from their unfortunate choices in millinery or from the threat of impinging civility, they'll be safe.
We see a shot of lots of fist-fiving among the three teams in the alliance, and there is talk of keeping a "steady pace." That's one powerful alliance. I'm sure everybody else is really running scared now. "Oh, no! They're keeping a steady pace!" Loud Pushy Frank says that his word is his word. Uh, is his word. Word.
At any rate, Margarita is rumored among the alliance to have seen a sign for the museum. (We know, of course, from Phil's intro, that she's mistaken, which lends a vaguely Hitchcockian element of suspense to this scene.) (Okay, not Hitchcockian. Bruckheimerian, anyway.) There is more fist-fiving, and they zoom off in their cars. Joe (or Bill) says that he feels "very comfortable" in the alliance, because they're the strongest three teams "both physically and maybe mentally." True? Perhaps. Frightening? Certainly. Note that Team Guido has abandoned the complete matching outfits, and is now just going with little matching hats, which they're wearing down their backs.
An interesting note: Bill and Joe's departure time is listed at 11:37 PM. That's only fourteen minutes after Rob and Brennan. Frank and Margarita depart at 12:05 AM. That's only a little under forty-five minutes after Rob and Brennan. Remember that Rob and Brennan arrived in South Africa on the same flight as Teams Guido and Danza. Then they won the Fast Forward pass. It seems to me that either they didn't do a very good job of getting their shapely behinds to Zambia in the first place, or it didn't take very long to do the bungee jump and the zipline -- know what I mean?
1:52. Lenny and Karyn leave. Lenny remarks that the relationship is going fine. Foreshadowing appears (tm Sars) in the form of a large bird with flapping wings, which comes and alights on Lenny's shoulder. "Awk, awk," it says. Karyn lovingly remarks that someday, they'll have lots of stories to tell their kids, because, as she puts it, "When we win the money, he has to marry me." The strains of "Isn't It Romantic?" are, surprisingly, not heard.
3:35. Pat and Brenda take off. I learn, by hearing the one of them with long hair talk about "Pat" in the third person, that Pat is the one with the short hair. Okay, got it. "Pat" = "short." I can do that. Brenda explains that she and Pat are basically funk soul sisters, except less funky and not as soulful. And they're not, technically, sisters. Apparently, they have a history of backpacking. Brenda mentions that it's damn early in the morning, a factor that I think is an interesting one. Are the teams that left in the middle of the night suffering from the lack of sleep? Hard to say.
World's Most Tenuous Alliance. In the car, Margarita is trying to explain to Loud Pushy Frank that she never promised she knew where the museum was; she just thought she saw a sign. Frank is having none of it. After once addressing her as "woman" (shut UP, Loud Pushy Frank!), he insists that she told everyone she knew where it was. Just a guess here? She didn't.
Lenny and Karyn are museum-hunting. Pat and Brenda are asking around. Loud Pushy Frank is inquiring loudly. Joe practically jumps into somebody's car. Back off, Joe!
Loud Pushy Frank says he's "going to punch [Margarita] in the top of the head" for saying she'd seen a sign for the museum. She's trying to explain that she hadn't meant to commit the entire group to an hours-long hunt for said sign, but the LPFrank ego is not hearing it. "You're lying," he says flatly. "You told everybody you saw a Songwe Museum sign." "I said I THOUGHT I did," she clarifies. Bitterly, she adds, "Thanks for your support, Frank, by the way." A flock of birds flies over and drops a pile of leaves on Margarita's head, and on each leaf is a letter of the alphabet. Margarita fails to notice that they spell "GET A DIVORCE. MARGARITA, THIS MEANS YOU."
Meanwhile, rest of the alliance, lost and confused, is wasting away again in Margarita-ville.
Okay, look. I made the joke. That's the bad news. The good news is that now that I've made it, I'm really very unlikely to make it again. Honestly, what are the odds? I mean, first of all, there are only so many episodes of this show, and second of all, I do have some compassion and love in my heart for all of you. So probably, that joke isn't coming up again. Look on the bright side.
Aaaanyway. Just as I get this recap back on track, Margarita gets the group back on track by suggesting that perhaps driving miles and miles and miles out of town wasn't such a good idea when looking for a museum with (have I mentioned?) the SAME. NAME. AS. The VILLAGE. I swear, these people must stand in front of the mirror with dental floss, hunting for their teeth. After doubling back to square one, they do stumble onto the museum at last. Joe (or Bill) tells us that it's "just an open-air building" where he "saw a skull." What a coincidence. That's exactly the lack of enthusiasm with which I often react to museums myself, unless they have buttons I can push or big dinosaur bones I can pick up and play with. Or big fish. I also like big fish.
Phil voices over that once they hit the museum, the teams have two choices. They can drive to a nearby animal park and take pictures of three hard-to-find animals, or they can drive to a faraway animal park and take a picture of an elephant. They are promised that in the faraway park, elephants are ubiquitous. Cue yellow-filtered camera shots of animals, roaming, calling their agents to inquire about residuals. World's Most Tenuous Alliance decides that they'll go to the nearer park with the harder animals. Fists of Friendship.
Lenny and Karyn are running around with flashlights in what seem to be people's Songwe Village backyards. You know, if they find a guy in his driveway, shirtless and drunk, this will be an episode of COPS.
Pat and Brenda, apparently too frustrated to keep up the hunt for the museum, opt for the Fast Forward pass. Phil says that the Fast Forward pass, in this case, is located on the banks of the Zambezi River. Cue green-filtered camera shots of the Zambezi River. What the hell is with the gel filters? Am I watching South Pacific all of a sudden? (I am currently waving to the three people who get that joke.) The Fast Forward clue tells Pat and Brenda that "there's only one name for you -- Bundu." Pat says "Bundu" sounds familiar, which for some reason I find completely hysterical. Go figure my sense of humor.
5:33 AM. Gooooooood morning, Dark Hair and Light Hair! Dressed in dumb do-rags, they head out. Dark Hair says Light Hair is very competitive. Light Hair agrees, referring to her willingness to "kick some butt" in that way that people do when they think the kicking of butt has something to do with Trivial Pursuit or acing somebody else out of the last Gucci purse at Bloomingdale's.
5:50 AM. Paul and Amie prepare for departure, with Amie wearing the WB-trademarked Andie McPhee Teeny Tiny Ponytail Horns Of Fashion Tragedy. Paul appears to be wearing red parachute pants. Uh, Paul, no. This is not a New Kids concert. Apparently asked to comment on their emotional state and how the relationship is going, Amie says they've had fights, and Paul says he's at the top of his stress level. I, for one, am hoping that one of these two just hauls off and pops the other one before it's all over -- who's with me? (No, no, not really. No hitting, I know. I just hope they pull each other's hair.) She tells him, for some reason, to "shut the hell up," and I'm all for that.
6:24 AM. Davey and Margaretta take off. The smart, smart Davey starts by ASKING SOMEONE before he goes driving off. (I love Davey. I mean, not in a he-needs-to-hire-Lauren-Ambrose's-attorneys, cease-and-desist, knock-it-off-you-Internet-freak, severed-foot-jokes-combined-with-stalking-aren't-funny kind of way. Just in a friendly, granddaughterly way.) After getting the key info, Davey leads Margaretta down the path walking, which is more than any of the young athletes did. He voices over that he was a fighter pilot, so he's always very positive about what he can accomplish. Davey says to his bride, "This is the right way, honey. Trust me," and I, for one, do. Wave to Team Ensure, because you're not going to see them very much this week.
7:09 AM. Kevin and Drew are off. Upon reading the museum clue, Drew says, with slight sarcasm but not bitterness, "We love Songwe." Kevin voices over that he loves Drew like a brother, and Drew voices over that he doesn't allow Kevin in his apartment, because friends never take their shoes off when they come over, and they make a mess. You know, just when I think I love these guys as much as I'm ever going to, they pull out something like that. Long live Team Shower-Fresh Scent. Furthermore, Drew actually hypothesizes that perhaps since they're already in Songwe Village, the Songwe Museum should be nearby. I don’t know where that frat was, but their education is serving these guys better than whatever law school is responsible for Rob and Brennan.
Team Shower-Fresh Scent passes Davey and Margaretta in the car. Margaretta notes that perhaps they should have driven as well, but Davey seems disgusted. Imagine that -- it didn't occur to the fighter pilot that, called upon to travel a hundred yards, he should DRIVE. Oh, all right. Marry me, Davey..
7:26 AM. Nancy and Emily leave, with Emily obviously preoccupied with being last and, therefore, clearly destined to be bitchy all day long. What a treat that's going to be. Nancy, in an interview, explains that she has "the most important job in the world," she's a full-time mom. Amen to that, for now, but then on she goes: "I do laundry and clean the kitchen and maybe go out to lunch." Geez, Nancy, you don’t make it sound like much fun. Emily allows as how her mom isn't as much of a drag as she thought she'd be. Thanks, Emily.
Dark Hair and Light Hair make it to the museum, chortling with contempt at their surroundings. (I narrow my eyes at them.) They are completely flummoxed -- astounded and amazed -- by the Polaroid cameras on the table at the museum, to the point where they point at the cameras and they say, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" and "What the hell's going on there?" Where's Phil when you need him, to put their minds at ease? He could just say, "They're cameras, girls. They're just as afraid of you as you are of them, so stay quiet, because they can sense fear." Anyway, in the absence of Phil's reassurance, the girls then read the animal park clue, saying "near, far, near," in a way that totally reminds me of Grover on Sesame Street. Then Light Hair makes this gesture like her brain hurts and is in danger of falling out. It's hard to explain, so you'll have to take my word for it.
Amie, sitting up halfway out of the car as she and Paul hurtle toward the museum. "Is there a chicken village, or a chicken museum? Does that count for anything?" Fortunately, she is kidding. Equally fortunately, I think she must see chickens somewhere, though we can't see them. If she doesn't see chickens somewhere, then I'm afraid she's discovered a native plant that's the world's most potent hallucinogen. They come to a fork in the road, and Paul says, "Straight or left?" This is despite the fact that the fork presents them with either straight or right. Noting this, Amie chooses "right."
Emily asks directions from a guy who totally ignores her. Burn! Team Mom/Daughter runs into Paul and Amie, who explain that they asked "some villagers" who told them the museum was back in town. I guess these doofuses all hightailed it out of town with no idea where they were going, too. Sigh. Davey and Margaretta now meet up with them, and I'm a little confused as to how Davey and Margaretta got to wherever the rest of these idiots are, but it looks like perhaps they're all quite close to the target but having trouble finding it. All three teams start walking, and when they find the museum, Amie hightails it straight for it, followed by Emily, whining at her slowpoke mom. Paul disbelievingly remarks, "This ain't no museum." Ah, Paul, but it is. They all examine the clue and discuss the ramifications, with Davey seemingly being the first person to actually look at HOW FAR IT IS to the far park as part of his strategizing. Smart boy, Davey. They all opt for "near."
Kevin and Drew find the museum and the clue, which they refer to as "this crap." Kevin spots the clue and starts saying, "Ohhhh, God. Ohhhh, God," and it's very reminiscent of Rain Man, frankly. Kev reads on, and fleshes out that they have to bring the pictures to Chief Moukini (I'm sorry, that's the closest I'm going to come on the spelling) in Moukini Village. Now Kevin actually becomes a state-fair caricature of himself as he yells, "Moukini Village! Moukini freakin' Village!" Apparently, he and Drew think they know something of this place. Either that, or he just likes how it sounds. As they're leaving, Drew becomes troubled by a little elephant figurine on the table. "What's this elephant?" he asks. "What elephant?" Kevin responds. "This little statue here," Drew persists, wondering if they should do something with it.. Kev, anxious to leave: "It's probably a little…a little tchotchke!" Drew wonders if they should take it, and then he has to laugh himself at Kevin's turn of phrase. Hee! I am officially calling that the Shower-Fresh Dialogue of the Day.
World's Most Tenuous Alliance is at the park, searching for a good photo op. Joe tells Bill to just snap the picture already and stop worrying about composition and lighting. There is some banter about distinguishing between buffalo and wildebeests. Rob says giraffes are pretty. Frank takes a picture with an evil glint in his eye, and calls a helpless animal "sucker." Alliance picture-taking complete. In the car, Joe says that the alliance is holding them up, especially Rob and Brennan, who have sort of lost their "focus" over the course of the day. He and Bill are also not happy with Team Danza, because Frank is "uncontrollable." Yeah, no kidding. A shot of Frank, riding on top of the car, his foot up in a ready-to-pounce crouch, confirms that he is, indeed, uncontrollable.
Commercials. Wolf Lake. Right.
Pat and Brenda find Bundu, which turns out to be a whitewater rafting outfit. As the Fast Forward is re-explained by Phil, the Moms suit up and take to the rapids. We are Philled in on a new tidbit (well, new unless you hang out on the forums), which is that each team can use a Fast Forward pass only once during the entire race. I wish they'd told us this last week, because this is a major strategy issue. I feel manipulated, and not in the way I like. (Mandatory pause while I imagine Big Brother Will giving me a foot massage. Incidentally, congratulations, Big Brother Will! Can I have a thousand dollars?) With what appears to be little difficulty, Pat and Brenda snag the FF and head for the stop -- the Arc de Triomphe, Paris, France. Ooooh, cool! Europe!
Kevin and Drew, the Polaroid-mobile. "Is that an impala?" Kevin asks. Drew becomes animated. "Get the camera, get the camera!" Then Kevin waves him off. "It's a goat, it's a goat," he says with considerable frustration, as in fact an entire herd of goats crosses the street in front of them. Snerk.
Amie wants to know if she should approach the zebra she's spotted. If there's a chance it might rush her, I'm thinking Paul should say yes, but he advises caution. She goes anyway, and gets the picture. I think Paul says, "There's a jackal down there, too," but it sounds an awful lot like he says, "There's a jack-o-lantern, too." Happy Halloween!
Kev and Drew get their pictures, despite Kevin's fear that Drew is going to wind up with a shot of the window. "You're gonna get the window, you jerk," he helpfully warns. Drew: "Don't worry about it." Kevin: "You think you're whatchamacallit from Wild Kingdom." Then just for good measure, Kevin says, "Jackass." I have a feeling Kevin saying "jackass" is going to be the "Whatchoo talkin' about, Willis?" of this show.
Amie sees the rhino they need, but Paul advises her to get in the car, because said rhino doesn't look happy. In a similar vein, Emily sees the same rhino and tells Nancy, "Don't get out of the car, Mom." Nancy ignores her and clambers out. "Mom!" Emily yells. "Get in the damn car!" Okay, I realize that she told her mom to "get in the damn car," which technically you aren't allowed to do. I still think this is the most affection she's shown her mom yet. She may think her mom is a slowpoke loser, but she doesn't want her mom to be trampled by a rhino. Doesn't that just warm your heart? Nancy is very brave, but can't make the camera work. D'oh! Foiled by technology. That's how I feel when the TV remote doesn’t work. "Get in the car," Emily insists. "No," her mom continues. Not wanting to leave the impression that she likes her mother too much, Emily starts yelling, "Fix it!" in this totally annoying loud voice. Eventually, she takes over and apparently gets the film working, because she manages to get the pictures.
In Mukuni Village (Phil and everybody else pronounces -- and spells -- the village's name a little differently from Kev and Drew earlier), the teams all have to bring their pictures to the chief, who will give them their clue. A very nice bunch of local folks shows up to welcome the teams to the village -- they certainly are meeting a lot of nice people in Africa, I have to say. Before the chief gives them a clue, though, he'll perform a ritual. The ritual involves spitting, but since the first team I see him spit near is Danza, I wasn't initially sure whether the spitting was part of the ritual, or whether he'd just met Loud Pushy Frank and was reacting the same way everybody else does. It does appear to be part of the ritual. He hands each arriving team a little Eiffel Tower with a yellow-and-white flag taped TO THE BOTTOM LEG. (Make a note of that last part, because you'll need it later.)
The alliance congratulates itself, and Margarita fairly beams upon being hugged by Rob. (Oh, okay, I would, too. That doesn’t mean I'd be proud of it.)
Kev and Drew are looking for what they are still calling "Moukini Village." They're racing Lenny and Karyn at the moment, and they encourage their driver, their beloved Maxwell, to "gun it." Shower-Fresh and Lenny/Karyn arrive at the village almost simultaneously, followed by Team Mom/Daughter, Team Ensure, Paul and Amie, and Light Hair/Dark Hair. Drew hands over Team Shower-Fresh Scent's pictures, saying, "Chief, this is the rhinoceros. These are the buffalo, Chief, and these are the zebra, Chief." Drew's attempts to be super-diplomatic almost make up for how wretchedly rude Amie and Ana were last week, so God bless goodwill ambassadors. Receiving the clue, Drew comments, "We're going to Paris, dude!" Somehow, "dude" from Drew's mouth seems like overkill. He and Kev correctly note that they're either fifth or sixth, because they think there are four teams behind them counting Light Hair/Dark Hair, whom they call "the Texas girls." (Light/Dark, Paul/Amie, Dave/Margaretta, Lenny/Karyn -- hey, they're right!)
Meanwhile, Light Hair/Dark Hair bitch that they hate Paris. No, really. "Who wants to go to Paris? I don't want to go to Paris," one whines. "I hate Paris." I narrow my eyes again.
In the car on the way to the airport, Paul asks Amie if she has money. She doesn't hear him, so he screams at her. "DO! YOU! HAVE! MONEY?" She gets mad. We learn that we are back in Johannesburg, where the teams are to get flights to Paris. They don't have to pay for the tickets out of their cash, but they have to get seats. On a moment's notice? Not easy, Phil explains.
With everybody colliding at the airport, some try the phone. Some stand in line and beg. Margarita (speaking, actually, to Drew and Kevin) advocates a connecting flight strategy. Pat and Brenda feel the profit of their Fast Forward slipping away as they struggle to find a flight and other teams start to catch up with them. Brenda cries a little. I'd like to have the freedom to be judgmental, but I also cry easily when I'm frustrated. I did it today, on the phone with the student loan people. No kidding. (Long story short? Their fault. Not my fault. Bank perhaps at fault, student loan people perhaps at fault, Miss Alli not at fault. On that, we all agree. I've called over and over. Different advice every time. Nightmare.)
Emily is having no luck on the phone, and she's losing patience. Light Hair (in a glimpse of things to come) is trying to bribe a gate attendant into putting her and Dark Hair on a flight. (It never seems to occur to people like Light Hair how incredibly insulting it is to treat everyone like they're waiting for you to grease their fucking palm. The arrogance boggles the mind, truly.) Paul and Amie are frustrated, and Amie winds up at the desk beside Light Hair, who is still trying cheap bribery. Asked how many seats she needs, Light Hair says, "I'm looking for four. And she's not with me." (I think, by the way, that they have to book seats for two crew guys who travel with them, which I believe is why she asks for four.) This whole "she's not with me" thing makes Amie VERY upset, although I don't actually think it was all that bad. Hang in there, though, because Light Hair is going to get much worse. Amie says she's about to put "[her] foot up [Light Hair's] butt." Unfortunately, I think she's exaggerating. It would be great, though, wouldn't it? I mean, that's entertainment!
Blah blah blah, catfight, Amie, Light Hair, "If I go over there, I'm gonna…" "What's her problem…" "They got nothin'!" "She'll get more than that if I see her even…" "What did we do to them?" "Why are they being that way?" Whatever. A friendly French airport-employee-type calms everybody down. "You don’t have to be upset," she says. Paul expresses appreciation, but Amie can only note to Paul that the nice lady "doesn't understand this is a race." Of course not, because she'd be knocking herself on her ass to advance their objectives, right? Please. Incidentally, I think the nice lady's name is "Graciela," but I get that from Light Hair, who says, "Thank you for your patience, Graciela," but for all I know (based on later events), this is Light Hair's attempt to say "thank you" in some unnamed Romance language, so I'm not going out on a limb based on her say-so.
Pat and Brenda get their flight. Amie and Paul get theirs, too, and Amie pushes her luck by speculating about a window seat, but is smart enough to shut her mouth and not actually ask. Emily is still despairing over the inability to get seats. Light Hair and Dark Hair make it onto a flight, and an airport guy kiss-kisses them on both cheeks as he puts them on the plane.
Okay, total sidebar. I love the kiss-kiss. There is no way to adequately express how much I love it. Men who kiss-kiss? Are my heroes. When I visited Spain at the ripe old age of 17, I met lots of boys -- high school boys, boys my own age -- who kiss-kissed. I was never so happy with boys in all my life. (That, actually, is not saying much, but nevertheless, I am surprisingly sincere.) All men should be required to kiss-kiss. Or at least to kiss-kiss me. It should be a law. I'm just saying.
In news not related to my romantic fantasies about European men, Emily is still crying. A graphic shows a big yellow line traveling from Johannesburg to Paris, as Joe or Bill voice-overs that they found out that Rob and Brennan had never been out of the United States before (a revelation that is accompanied by most unflattering footage of Rob and Brennan mouth-breathing while asleep -- is there really ever flattering footage of anyone mouth-breathing?). Team Guido says that discovering this tidbit of information caused them to flee the alliance. That alliance certainly didn't last very long. Hey -- we didn't call it World's Most Tenuous Alliance for nothing. I have to say I'm not sure Team Guido's explanation -- "How the hell can they help us? We lived in Paris for two years!" -- is very compelling. Yes, in Paris, they're right. But they won't be in Paris forever, and I can certainly think of situations in which Rob and Brennan might come in handy. (Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. That's not the situation I was thinking of.) (Okay, it was, but there are probably other ones, too.) Team Guido declares, "There are no friends here." Wow, feel the pain in that statement. Guido needs loooooove therapy.
Planes land, and now the drunken cameramen are running around the airport in Paris. Team Guido asks in French where the train is (well, la-dee-dah!), and they rush to it. Meanwhile, Rob explains to the camera that, "as expected," Joe and Bill have decided to bolt the alliance. "I'd say I was angry if I cared enough about them to really matter [sic]," Rob says, clearly angry. "As to them breaking their word," he continues, "it was going to happen eventually, so…" Rob is angry.
Team Danza and Team Esquire are still allies, though, and take off together for the Eiffel Tower. Team Guido, meanwhile, is boarding the train. Joe annoyingly crows that Team Guido is number one, beating everybody else, yakkety yak. They're starting to really bug me. Last week, they were cute, but this week, they are impossibly smug. Simmer down, boys. It's a short walk to the shit list.
Commercials. A bear buys beer. Heh.
Okay. In Paris, it appears that the lead teams among those who didn't FF are Team Guido, followed closely by the Esquire/Danza Group (EDG). Team Shower-Fresh and Lenny and Karyn are right behind. Phil explains that the ultimate destination today is the Arc de Triomphe. Pat and Brenda FF'd, so they're actually out in front, arriving at the Arc first. (Other teams, remember, only know they're going to the Eiffel Tower so far.) Team Guido gets to the Tower first, and annoyingly reminds us again of that fact. Okay, I didn't want to have to do this, but -- shut UP, Team Guido.
The task that the non-FF teams have to perform is to run up to the second level of the Tower (not a short climb) and look at the "telescopic view." Looking through the telescope requires a ten-franc coin. They're to look for something "monumental." If they do it right, you see, they spot the Arc, with a yellow-and-white flag on it, and they know that's where they're supposed to go. Note that only one member can take on this task, and they have to decide who's going to do it before they know what it is. They're only told to pick someone with "strong legs and keen eyes."
EDG is right on Guido's tail, as is (surprisingly enough) Team Shower-Fresh Scent. Frank, Rob, and Kev get the call. Lenny and Karyn arrive, and (note well!) she instantly ORDERS him to go up. Kev is getting a little worn out on the run up the stairs. Lenny, in his most endearing moment yet, calls up to the lead teams on the stairs, "I'm on your ass!"
Rob and Frank are having difficulty. Guido spots the flag, and Bill runs back down, noting to Joe that EDG has arrived. (For all their Paris-knowing, you'll notice they haven't picked up much ground on EDG.) Frank is still looking through the telescope, and sure enough, he sees the Arc and the flag, and he and Rob are off. Drew, understanding mensch that he is, mentions to the cameraman downstairs that Kevin doesn't have good eyesight. "I don’t know if he was able to find that thing quick enough or not." Surprisingly, this is said with great sympathy. I think this is clearly the strongest relationship on the show, except maybe Team Ensure. Kev gets an assist from a lady up on the roof, spots the Arc, and runs back down to his boy. Karyn is screaming up to Lenny (a very, very bad idea), who cannot figure out what in the heck he's looking for. EDG leaves the tower and heads for the Arc.
"How are you, buddy? You hangin' in there? Your legs hurtin'?" Drew calls up to Kev during his descent. "I'm an idiot," Kev calls back. "I'm a friggin' idiot." "That's my boy," Drew says with a grin of total love. "Always keepin' a sense of humor." When they are reunited, he heaps praise on Kev for what a great job he did, and please note that most of the romantic couples could TAKE A HINT from the FRATERNITY BROTHERS about how to handle adversity. I just couldn't love these guys more if they kiss-kissed me.
Ouch. Lenny comes down without finding the flag. "Everybody else found it!" Karyn says helpfully. Not. "You have to go back up," she insists. As he starts to go back up, she piles it on. "I can't believe you came back down! Why'd you come back down?" He very testily asks her if she wants to go up. She reminds him that she can't -- only one of them can go. "You decided to do it!" she yells. He didn't, you'll remember. He tells her to shut up. Karyn: "Don’t tell me to shut up, just do it!" Eek, this is getting unpleasant in a hurry. Back up on the balcony, Lenny asks the people around him what's nearby. He looks for the Louvre, then starts asking about Notre Dame. Back on the ground, he finds Karyn. "Notre Dame," he says. CBS's worldwide audience cringes. This? Is not going to be pretty. Of course, Karyn doesn't really investigate how he came up with Notre Dame, because she's obsessed with haranguing him about his failures. "You didn't look out the window the first time, did you?" He just says, "You want to go to Notre Dame or what?" Sheesh. This is making me uncomfortable.
Plane footage. Teams are converging on Paris. And here it is -- the Great Taxi Skirmish of 2001. Now I would argue that it's hard to tell in this scene exactly how closely a "line" to get a taxi is being observed, but clearly there is a line. Paul and Amie arrive at the taxis just ahead of the Dark Hair/Light Hair. Amie, seeing the Texas girls trying to poach her cab, goes ahead and jumps in with her stuff, followed by Paul. Light Hair, in spite of what seems to be a reasonable supply of cabs, is determined to get this one particular cab (mostly because Amie is in it). In an interview, Light Hair confirms that yes, she "just cut" in line. She jumps in the front seat and starts bribing the cabbie. "Will you please take my group and ask them to please leave?" she says, offering money. Finally, the cabbie agrees (probably primarily because they're all being such idiots that he's anxious to get on with his life). Amie climbs out, and as she goes, she calls out to Light Hair, "You're a fat bitch." Now, listen up. There's no excuse for the name-calling, and you just don't talk to other people that way. Nevertheless? Light Hair, in that scene, was totally over the line. As Joey would say on Friends, she's so far over the line that she can't even see the line. The line is a dot to her. Back in the interview, Light Hair says in this unbelievably bitchy tone, "She screamed at me like she'd scream at her boyfriend," which would be kind of a funny line if she hadn't said it in this smug, annoying way that made me want to poke her in the eye. In the purloined cab, Light Hair and Dark Hair laugh hysterically. Yeah, laugh it up, chumps. Surprisingly relevant cliché of the week? What goes around comes around.
Amie gets another cab, but she's highly distraught, mostly as a result of being bested by Light Hair. As they drive, they talk. Paul can't believe what occurred. "How do they jump in our cab and just take it? In New York, they would have grabbed her out by the hair." Hee! Paul tells Amie that he's tempted to say they should just quit, because she spends so much time upset and crying. "Can you stop?" she pleads. "The more I hear you, the worse I feel." He again brings up the idea of quitting. "If you're not happy, and we're not gonna win the million dollars, let's just go home." She tells him she's not going to quit. He tells her that if she can't pull it together, he IS going to quit, so her perseverance will be irrelevant. Oh, don't tease me, Paul. "Thanks," Amie says, somberly and sarcastically.
Paul and Amie seem to beat Dark Hair and Light Hair to the Eiffel Tower anyway. Now that's worth a chuckle! Paul climbs to the balcony and starts looking. First he has to borrow ten francs. Weren't they the ones rolling in dough last week? Maybe he can't break a fifty. He's looking in the scope, but he doesn't see anything, and below, Amie is "running out of patience," as she singsongs. Unable to spot anything, Paul flips his lid. "I'm pissed off, I'm quittin'. I'm serious," Paul says, kicking the wall.
Commercials.
The yellow-and-white flag ripples at the BASE of the Eiffel Tower. Dark Hair and Light Hair arrive and immediately go to the TOP of the Eiffel Tower. Okay, do you remember that, when they got the Eiffel Tower clue from the chief, I told you to write yourself a note? Take out your note. See what it says? The Eiffel Tower clue had the yellow flag taped to the bottom, very much where the actual flag is on the actual Eiffel Tower when they get there. But the girls don't see it. They're up the tower. They're in the tower. They're in the elevator. They can't find the yellow-and-white flag. (Therefore, they aren't even finding the clue about looking through the telescope.) At the top of the tower, they annoy the crowd by insisting that everyone interrupt their touristing to answer the crucial query of whether they've seen the flag. No one has. "Am I stupid?" one of them wails. Write your own joke here. Having her feed it to me like that is just insulting, and I, for one, am not taking the bait.
Team Guido arrives at the Arc, and they eagerly run up to the yellow mat that constitutes the actual finish line. Bill insists on jumping on it, which is not such a good idea, because it's wet and slippery. He wipes out and lands on the ground, and once again we learn that for all the classic wit the world has ever produced -- for all your Dorothy Parkers and your Will Rogerses and Ogden Nashes -- there's always room for a guy racking himself. When they learn that they're in second place (behind only Pat and Brenda), Team Guido is very happy, but they react a little differently -- Joe wants to hug, while Bill wants to high-five (perhaps he doesn't want to aggravate the rib he just broke). In the end, they hug.
Rob and Brennan are arriving, too, and their particular difficulty is just physically getting across the street to the Arc. It's unclear whether they almost get run over, but the cameraman almost does. They finally make it to the mat, and finish third, with Team Danza just behind them (or so it appears).
Sigh. Notre Dame. Karyn: "We have to go inside, right?" They don't see anything. Karyn hesitantly asks Lenny what exactly led him to believe that they should go to Notre Dame. He says that when he got to the top of the stairs, the telescope was pointing right at Notre Dame, which didn't seem to be what actually happened, but I'm willing to let it slide, given the beating he's about to take. She rails (correctly) that that's not a very good piece of evidence, considering that it could mean that somebody had just finished looking at the cathedral, not that they were supposed to go to it. He concedes that they'll have to go back to the tower and try again. She whines unhelpfully that he shouldn't have come down in the first place if he didn't know where he was going. Lenny wipes away a tear. No, an actual tear. Damn. She goes on to say that even if he had to keep asking and asking, he should have stayed up there until he was sure. You know, Karyn, I don't disagree with you that he didn't do a championship-level job with the telescope, but I think he feels bad enough, probably, and this isn't accomplishing anything. She, however, is undeterred by how crappy she's making her boyfriend feel, and goes on that they can't afford cab fare to keep traveling around Paris following dead ends. "Gotta love her. You gotta love her," he mutters to himself. Seriously, Karyn? We get it. You've been wronged. Give the guy a hug and fucking forget about it. But she doesn't. "I'm really disappointed," she gripes. "Disappointed. Disappointed." She makes it into a little song, almost -- DIS-appointed. "What'd you say?" he asks. "I'm disappointed," she shrugs. "Well," Lenny says, in the line that really is the one that bodes ill for their future, "that ain't nothing new." Oy. Karyn's mean some more.
Kev and Drew, in their cab, head for the Arc. Drew doesn’t recognize the actual Arc until Kev practically hits him in the head. "Can't you see this big structure right here?" Hee. They arrive, they stand on the mat, Drew gives Kevin the big kudos for climbing the tower, and the French welcoming guy tells them they're in fifth place. "Parlez-vous cerveza?" Kevin asks, to the delight of America, and Drew laughs warmly. What can I say? They're my boys.
On the opposite end of the spectrum of my affections, Dark Hair and Light Hair are speaking Spanish to the French. "Yellow y blanca?" they attempt. They're still looking for the yellow-and-white flag. Haaaaaaa haa ha. Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, somebody at last claims to have seen it (after Light Hair does an extremely humorous mime version of the word "flag"), and they ask if the person will show them where it is (after they puzzle over how to say "will" in French). "Will you show us? Si?" No, really. She said "si." It's France, you twits. You can't say "oui"? I speak NO French, and I can say "oui." They attempt to feed me another joke by moaning, "How come we're stupid all the time?" and once again, I'm not biting. They find the flag, actually shouting, "It's there! It's there!" Light Hair reads the clue and pronounces that Dark Hair has to go up. Dark Hair moans.
The much-maligned Lenny is up in the Tower again. Karyn is still shouting up at him, which seems like a good idea, given how well it worked before. , we see her sitting on the steps, head in hand, despairing. Emily is up in the tower, too, and she doesn't have change for the scope. She calls up to a group of guys that she needs ten francs, and they eagerly throw change. (If that didn't give her a kind of tart-y vibe, it should have. I'm not judging; I'm just pointing it out.) She feeds the coin to the scope and looks. Down at ground level, Amie stews about what's taking Paul so long. He, meanwhile, spots the flag at last. Emily sweats her inability to do likewise, and then, in one of the most interesting plot developments we've seen so far, she is joined by poor Lenny, equally depressed. He asks her if she knows what they're looking for, and she admits that she doesn't. He doesn't, either (that much we knew). Emily now says, "The only monument I know is that Arc d'Whatever." Suddenly, she sees the flag, and doesn't even hesitate, despite the fact that her team is duking it out with the other stragglers. "Lenny, Lenny, Lenny!" she cries excitedly, pointing it out to him. Okay, one point for being a little human, Emily. She could have probably doomed Lenny and Karyn to certain elimination, had she refused to help him, because I think Lenny was psychologically blocked. Anyway, in a show of solidarity, she and Lenny emerge victorious.
Dark Hair, with help, finds the flag too. On the ground, Amie and Paul clarify that they're going to the Arc, and they take off. I have to give them credit for the fact that, as much as she picks on him and he picks back, they do better than Lenny and Karyn at handling the difficulty he had. He just tells her, eagerly, how hard it was, and she's pretty understanding. Thanks to Emily, Lenny and Karyn are on their way, too. Light Hair yells to the emerging Dark Hair, "Kimmie, did you find it?" A-ha! Dark Hair is Kim! Light Hair is Leslie! I'm so glad I learned that! Imagine how useful it's going to be!
Here come Davey and Margaretta, toward the Arc! Yay! Where have they been, anyway? Wasting away again in Davey and Margaretta-ville?
Okay, seriously. NOW I'm done with that joke. No, really. Sleep peacefully tonight, because I will not be unfurling that joke again. Yes, I've fooled you before. But you need to trust me. It's all over now.
As she and Kim head for the Arc, Leslie snarks, "I don't know where that little cute couple that hates our guts are." Heh. A few more like that, Leslie, and you could get back on my good side, if you stop trying to bribe the locals. Kim and Leslie, you should note, are in no hurry. "There's no reason to run," they say. Paul and Amie, on the other hand, are pretty confident they're not last, but they run anyway. "The sooner we get there, our twelve hours're startin'," Amie points out. Margaretta hails a cab. Lenny and Karyn get one, too, and Emily and Nancy have trouble explaining where they need to go. What? Trouble telling a Paris cabbie that you need to go to the Arc de Triomphe? I think this guy is messing with them. Eventually, he gives, and they're off, too.
So what they're giving you here is that Kim and Leslie, Davey and Margaretta, Lenny and Karyn, Nancy and Emily, and Paul and Amie are all heading for the Arc at the same time, and whoever comes in last will be eliminated. I have no idea whether this is what actually occurred, because it's impossible to judge the timeline. I'll take the dramatic interpretation, though, because it's more fun that way.
Davey and Margaretta come in sixth, and I breathe an enormous sigh of relief -- the biggest I've sighed since Team Shower-Fresh Scent came in fifth, actually. They're elated, too; Davey says, "Hoo-ah!" ["Aw. I think it's almost been long enough now that 'Hoo-ah!' can be funny again." -- Sars]
Kim and Leslie are just getting a cab to the Arc, so they seem to be behind by a bit. Kim asks why they didn't find the flag sooner, and Leslie says, "I don't know, Kim, because we are stupid, stupid, stupid." Okay, that's three uses of the word "stupid," and I'm still too cool to touch it.
Paul and Amie land at the big yellow mat in seventh place. In their cab, Kim and Leslie discuss the fact that their stupidity is diminishing, because the day before, they were lost for three hours, and today, it was only two hours and fifteen minutes. They are, indeed, on a roll. (Snort.) Lenny and Karyn are cabbing it as well, and looking at a map. Kim and Leslie arrive at the Arc, and pause to argue with the cabbie over thirty francs in change that he doesn't want to cough up. Leslie wants those thirty francs, damn it. Meanwhile, Nancy and Emily make it to the Arc, and dodge the traffic trying not to die. They come in eighth, and high-five. Leslie is still arguing over the change, and she is trying to get the name of the cabbie. I'm not kidding. That's how they're spending their time. Then, after once again baiting me by discussing how stupid they are, they proceed to get lost trying to get across the street (which apparently requires the use of a tunnel) to get to the Arc.
"Come on, baby!" Karyn yells to Lenny. They land on the mat ninth. He is not interested in shaking hands with her right at the moment. "You're not going to shake my hand?" she asks incredulously. "We're not out, and you're not going to shake my hand?" She grabs his hand. "Good job," she says. "Good job, Lenny. We're not out. That's all that matters right now." That last thing she said? It's really too sad for me to say much about it that's funny. Seriously, Karyn? When you pause to evaluate what is important and what is not important in the people that you love, try to remember that their kindness is important. Whether they call you when they say they will is important. Whether they keep their word is important. Whether they can find a yellow-and-white flag on the Arc de Triomphe? Not important. Even for a million bucks.
In happier news, Kim and Leslie approach the yellow mat and see Phil. It appears that they know that Phil only shows up to tell you goodbye, because they become very sad upon seeing him. He tells them that, indeed, they have been served up and devoured by fate, like the karmic Spoon-Size Shredded Wheat that they are. "We tried," they shrug. Given the fact that they poached the cab, argued over thirty francs, didn't run, couldn't find the flag at the bottom of the tower for hours, and were nasty creeps along the way, I have no interest in mustering up even a lick of sympathy for them. Leslie post-mortems that perhaps their big mistake was "not teaming up and making friends with other people." This is, of course, easier than saying that their big mistake was being born with brains the size of walnuts, or slacking off like lazy bums when it came time to haul ass. As stated above, I have no idea whether the cabbie-arguing or the failure to run played a role in their elimination, but I hope it did, because that would be justice.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Pat and Brenda try to protect the lead. Joe and Bill lord their knowledge of Paris over me. Loud Pushy Frank didn't want to have friends, anyway. Nancy thinks aloud that somebody fails to make it onto a crucial train, and a shot of Davey and Margaretta follows, which is really too sad a circumstance for me to contemplate at the moment. If it does turn out to be true, well, Davey -- we'll always have Paris. (Can you believe that line just walked right up to me and licked my face like that? Un-be-freaking-lievable.)