Die Hard This Week (NBC)
You know what's missing from 24? Witty quips delivered with a wry smirk! Every week, Det. John McClane (Dean Winters) seems to get himself caught up in an elaborate heist/terrorist plot/revenge scheme. Worse, every week he's in a new state in an effort to escape all the European villains and domestic terrorists who want him dead. Every week, he is always a) the first one to sniff it out, and must fight low-level bureacrats in addition to the villains, and b) the only one competent enough to put a stop to it. If it sounds implausible that the same thing could happen to the same guy every week, McClane himself will be the first to acknowledge it, usually by smirking and saying, "How can the same thing happen to the same guy every week?" The ever-changing locales will also provide excellent material for McClane's own sly social commentary. Watching shallow movie producers bicker over sushi in L.A., he'll shake his head, smirk, and say, "California." In Montpelier, as he watches someone file a tax return with the highest per-capita total state taxes, he'll shake his head, smirk and say, "Vermont."
Goonies: The Generation (CBS)
Heyyyyy yoouuu guuuuuuys! Mikey Junior (Angus T. Jones) is sick of his dad's stories of pirate treasure and underground adventures. He has bigger concerns: how can he and his friends, a ragtag band of scrappy misfits, keep the rich kids from the wealthy part of Astoria from always spoiling their fun? Why do the mean old owners of Fratelli's Pizza always chase them out of their restaurant? Does anyone else notice that his dad keeps referring to Uncle Brand as "Josh" for some reason? After Dad "accidentally" leaves out a treasure map for Mikey Junior to find, Mikey and his buddies set out on their own adventures. Trailing in the shadows to make sure their kids stay safe are Mikey Sr., Chunk, Mouth, Data, Stef, and Andy. With the exception of Mikey Sr. (due to Sean Astin's piles of Lord of the Rings money) and Uncle Brand (due to Josh Brolin's sudden career relevance), all the original Goonies are available (clamouring, actually) to reprise their roles.
Two And A Half Rambos (ABC)
Emboldened by the success of his recent Rocky and Rambo sequels (if by "success," one means "review upon review in which the nicest thing said is 'not as terrible as I expected'"), Sylvester Stallone overreaches in his attempts to prove he can do mediocre comedies and dramas in addition to mediocre action movies. Unfortunately, after massive flops "Snaps" Provolone (sequel to Oscar) and Freddy Heflin (sequel to Cop Land), Stallone is forced onto the small screen with a different take on the U.S.'s greatest one-man killing machine. He and Col. Trautmann (Tom Skerritt) move to the suburbs to serve as adoptive parents to Nissem (the sitcom is set after the third movie, but before the fourth). Gay panic abounds as the nosy neighbours (including Ted McGinley and Kim Delaney) assume Rambo and Trautmann are a gay May-December couple. Not that Rambo is any less wacky! Is the new Afghani neighbour mujahideen? More important, is Rambo on his side or not this time? Or does Osama just need the fertilizer for his lawn?
The Lost Boys 2K8: Frogs Forever (FOX)
There's one thing Grandpa never could stand about living in Santa Carla: all the damn vampires. Well, Grandpa's dead, the rest of the Emmersons have left town, and the problem has only gotten worse. But the Frog Brothers aren't going anywhere. Edgar (David Faustino) and Alan (Edward Furlong) battle a variety of vampires, demons, goblins and what-have-you every week. Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only really, really shitty.
So You Think You Can Be Scarface (MTV)
A new reality show that's been called "racist and horrifying" (The Wall Street Journal), "morally repugnant" (The New Yorker), "definitely illegal" (the Office of National Drug Control Policy) and "the best thing on TV" (Maxim), SYTYCBS started by putting a dozen Cubans on a leaky boat to the United States, and promised a million dollars to the first one to build his own drug empire. Unfortunately for the producers, upon arrival in America, the Cubans all received green cards and started working legitimate jobs. After alienating the U.S.'s Cuban community, the producers then angered the country's black population by suggesting that the new contestants could be rappers who are obsessed with the film (i.e. "all rappers"). The show ultimately settled on a candid documentary format, following a California fraternity with no connection to the movie at all other than a tendency to yell, "Say hello to my little friend!" in a bad Cuban accent at parties. Oh, and also all the coke. MTV has ordered a four-season run.
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