Christmas. New Year's. Friends. Family. Parties. Presents. Togetherness. Love...Fuck all that. Temptation Island 2 is back!
Previously...After fourteen days, Mark L. Walberg tools, the kids find themselves caught in a "confusing spiral of temptation." Isn't that the title of Alanis Morissette's new album? We see Hillary try to eat Edmundo's hand as we learn their affair is over, but now Eddie has picked up with smokin' Linda. (The "smokin'" stands for cigarettes, not her body.) Rossi won the Catherine sweepstakes, and Tommy NYC (who is still alive) and Nikkole finally hooked up. Meanwhile, Tommy Bad Fashion got it on with White Eyeshadow Girl Kristen, and John was getting "close" to Nayla. Shannon wept that she's "petrified." Me too, honey. Then Mark and Kelley rode in on their whores...I mean, "horses." Mark said, "This is heaven. What guy would not want to do this?" Uh, a gay one. (I'm not saying anything.) Then new hos arrived! Rossi was sad. Good.
Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. A bird. Guys' side. Tommy walks and talks with Katie as Tommy voice-overs about the new hos giving them a "charge." John -- who isn't, I don't think, much liked by anyone on the island -- tells Edmundo that he thinks the four new girls are physically better-looking than the five girl hos they currently have. Oh, I totally disagree.
Now the girl hos eat at the bar and bitch about the new hos. Pink says something, and Katie bitches that she doesn't like new people. I hear you, girlie. Kristen then camera-whores that they've all been through a lot, but when it comes down to it, they're not their men, for the hos to be jealous about. But that won't stop you, huh? Edmundo now camera-talks that he's "jacked" about the new girls arriving.
Meanwhile, the boy hos also bitch. Keebler Tom, obviously, is the most bummed. to Rossi. (Ali couldn't care less, I'm sure. He's just lucky to be around and knows it.) Keebler Tom says that the ladies said they don't find three of the new guys attractive, and goes on to say that he's not happy about the new guys. Rossi camera-talks that all the new guys are "cut up" with long hair; he calls them "monsters." Hee. He then says that with Brian, they're "done." Keebler Tom says that Catherine is gonna go for Brian, and now Catherine camera-talks the same thing. She thinks Brian has "it all." (Including, very soon, his dick in her mouth.) Keebler Tom agrees that Brian is awesome. Catherine is "excited." Me too, but for different reasons.
Day 15. Pool. Tool. It's Mark L. Walberg! Oh, how I missed him and his toolish, sad, needy ways. He struts out to no applause and blahs that yesterday they started with nine hos on each side and whittled it down to five. Each of the new hos was picked specifically to be attractive to one of the temptees, and now they're going to introduce themselves.
Ho-troductions! The first ho, Jocelyn, comes out, and Tommy's mouth falls open. She has huge fake titties and claims to work at an Investment Firm. (Whorehouse.) She lives in L.A. and likes muscle cars. "So guys, get ready to test-drive this one!" She shakes her huge boobies but they don't move an inch. Hee. Cheers. Shannon laughs.
is Aaron, a big Oral Surgeon. He makes a root canal joke. He's can't move his arms, he's so cut.
Girl ho. It's great fun watching the ladies follow the girl hos with their eyes. Daggers everywhere. Debbie is the new ho. She's a model/actress. (Stripper.) Oh. My. God. She does this whole, totally rehearsed thing where she says she lives in L.A. and she's a model and actress and she's sexy and single and ready to have some fun! And with each line there's an accompanying stiff arm movement and finger-points and rehearsed facial expression. It's like watching Jules Asner doing Tennessee Williams. The ladies are confused. Nikkole says, "She's a horrible actress." Hee.
Chad. He's also big and blond and likes adventure and learning. No one claps.
Caneel is . She's from L.A. She says, "Ladies, the bitch is back." Katie and the girl hos laugh. Shannon, her niceness not letting her get it at all, says, "Oh, I didn't think she was a bitch." Aw. That's sad.
Aaron is even bigger and blonder and says he's studying law. Good for him.
Magalie is the the ho of all hos. She's Creole and requires subtitles to be understood. No, seriously. They have subtitles for her. She says she's "hot and spicy" and is from Haiti. She then says, "Boys, let me show you how flexible I am," and she whips off her skirt and in a string thong she bends over right in front of them, showing her Pu-Now-Now to Tommy. Tommy freaks. Everyone freaks. Nikkole can't believe it. The shot of the girl hos all stunned is hysterical. Hos stunned by the ho-iness of others. Rich. Very rich. Ah, we finally get the graphic and learn that, yes, Magalie is a stripper. (Whore.)
Brian is . He looks like some '80s actor. He says this is his second chance. Catherine loves him.
Mark L. Walberg comes back out and says he has to stop blushing. And as the sun casts a perfect shadow showing us just how fake Catherine's titties are, Mark L. Walberg babbles that we'll now learn which ho is for whom...but first, commercials.
Back. Mark L. Walberg says that the hos will reveal who they're for and then they'll all go out on dates with their select temptees that night to better get to ho them. For Kelley: the long-haired blond dude. For Shannon, the big blond guy oral surgeon. Nikkole gets the tallest blond guy. She says it doesn't matter because she's digging Tommy NYC. Catherine, of course, gets Brian. Rossi grimaces as Catherine voice-overs that, for the first time, she wasn't worried about getting Edmundo's attention. They hug. Edmundo camera-talks that he's jealous. Yeah.
Guys. The whore is for Mark. Kelley tells us that Mark likes strippers with big boobs. (Is that why she got the implants herself, or why they're together in the first place, do you think?) She says that when Magalie showed the guys a "piece of the pie," she knew she was for Mark. Hee. John gets Caneel. Shannon says that she's not worried for a second, but doesn't explain why. Tommy gets the huge-tittied girl. Kristen is sad, and Nikkole voice-overs, "The look of horror on White Eyeshadow Girl was completely worth it to me." Fuck, that's funny. Edmundo gets the Bad Actress. Catherine claps, not really caring anymore because she's getting her some Brian.
Shannon camera-talks that the girl hos were even more upset by the new girls than the female temptees were, and she thinks the girl hos are losing track of the fact that the male temptees are not even the hos' men. Yes. True. At least Shannon's eyes are open to something that's happening on the island.
As the dates start, Nikkole tells us that Ali nicknamed the new guys. Fabio. Terminator. Permaflex. And Brian. Heeeeeee. Ali is funny. Too bad he's not getting laid. Terminator/Aaron is Nikkole's boy, and we see them horse-riding. Nikkole says she's just thinking of Tommy NYC. Aaron tells us that he thinks they communicated really well. Nikkole then turns around and tells us that he didn't know how to communicate, and he just hasn't been many places, and he's young. Hee.
Jocelyn and Tommy. Tommy is psyched. Jocelyn, whose eyes are pretty crazy, babbles and then Tommy babbles and they play in the surf and maybe there's a connection but who really cares?
Catherine and Brian. Catherine tells us she's giggly and has butterflies and all. They play with monkeys. She says she's a little girl again. The monkey is really cute, and they bottle-feed it. She gushes about their conversation and they're nervous and happy and they walk on the beach and her face hurts. Huh.
Edmundo and Debbie. As they play on rocks, Edmundo says that he feels an "emptiness" and misses Catherine, but that he's going to try to turn it off and get to know the girl. She likes his smile and thinks he's cool; he thinks she's "rugged." They jump off cliffs. No, no. There's water below. Don't get excited.
Shannon and Aaron. They jet-ski. Shannon likes him, but tells us she thinks his hair is terrible. Hee.
John and Caneel ride ATVs. He tells us he thought Caneel was going to be "crazy and kooky," but she's more laid-back. They go sit on a rock, and Caneel tells us she thinks he and Nayla have a connection, and he's worried; she advises him that he has to go with his feelings and not worry over whether his girlfriend is going to break up with him. Sound advice coming from a girl ho. Caneel plays on a rope swing.
Now Kelley goes out with Chad. They play with birds. She thinks he's "super-interesting." She likes that Chad thinks you should just do what makes you feel good and "don't settle." Again, great advice coming from one of the hos. Kelley is stopping and thinking and wondering if she's satisfied. Chad tells us that he agrees, and she's ready to make some changes.
Mark thinks his date was fun, but he's not sure whether he's attracted to her. Magalie tells us, I think, that they went to a massage place, and Mark wouldn't get a massage. Mark, indeed, won't even let the masseuse rub his scalp because it would mess up his hair. As Magalie does splits and lifts her g-stringed leg over her head, she tells us that she thinks Mark is very uptight, and that she's never been on a worse date. "Shoot me," she says. Or, she just told us where she's from. I'm not sure. She then camera-talks that she knows something isn't wrong with her, so either Mark is gay, or something "isn't working down there." Oh, snap! That's cold. Maybe, lady, he just finds you disgusting. That is a possibility. As they sit, bored to death with each other in a swimming pool, we limp to commercials.
Man, judging from the commercials, the Temptation Island 2 audience is the most diseased-pussy-havingest people in the land. Skanks. All of you.
Nikkole and her boy Aaron have dinner; then she makes her boy listen to her talk about Tommy NYC the whole time. Aaron is bummed. They go look for a present for Tommy NYC's birthday. Poor Terminator.
Tommy and his ho have drinks and talk. She thinks he's funny, and that's good because she likes to laugh. Good for her. He spits some old-school game, telling her that he's a bad boy. You mean, "bad boyfriend." She says she's a bad girl. Tommy camera-talks, "She's bad, man. But bad meaning good." Word.
Catherine and Brian take a "long boat" and sit on the beach and have dinner and she tells us she didn't even think about anything else. Brian camera-talks that they didn't have to get to know each other -- that they just knew each other already. We see them finish each other's sentences, and she tells us that throughout the whole dinner, she just wanted to kiss him. Moon. Moon. Hos.
Brian and Catherine arrive back at the island. Catherine tells us she knew something special had happened. Catherine goes into a hut and jumps on Ali's bed. Poor Ali is now the girlfriend. He mouths, "She's in love," and then camera-talks that he felt uncomfortable because he's become good friends with Rossi. Ali continues to counsel Catherine; she says that she felt "giddy" about Brian. Ali asks her how often she thought of Edmundo on the date, and she says, "Not once." Ali says, "Juicy."
Okay. Quick sidebar, here. Many of these guys are incredibly built and cut, right? Like, scary big. I don't know about you, but the only place I see guys working so hard to have those kind of physiques is...well, West Hollywood. I think you know what I'm saying. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I just don't know any guys who work out that much, or girls who really care. Okay, back to what matters....
Men's side. Pool. The girls are dancing around the pool. Edmundo gets back from his date and says he's happy to party and get to know the new hos. Katie camera-talks that the new girl hos are going to stir up trouble -- especially the stripper and the girl with the big tits, she says. Hee. I like her. Man, Edmundo can't dance.
Nayla and Kristen talk shit about the new girls as they dance like whores. Tommy tells us that Kristen is jealous and, indeed, she starts making a play for Tommy. Pots and Kettles Everywhere. John and Caneel return. John gives Caneel a hug and says he's not in a party mood.
Ah, of course. Now John and Nayla are hanging out on deck chairs away from everyone as John camera-talks that Nayla is not about dancing on the bar and drinking, and that's why he likes her: "She's got class." Yes. For a girl specifically asked on this island for her ability and willingness to break up couples. John now says that he thinks about her a lot; Nayla says it's normal, and then says it's "serious stuff." Nayla now tells us she came with no expectations, and now she's emotionally involved. Ah, now John and Nayla are in the dark on a bed and he babbles that he can visualize having her lying on him and it would be great, but he can't do it. "It's not fair," he says. They do the whole thing where they keep shifting and talking and finally touching and Jesus, just fuck her already! Finally, he reaches over and hugs her with his shirt off, and as he hugs, he justify-overs that sometimes you can get lost in a moment. Yeah. Or lost in a girl ho. Commercials.
Ladies' side. The boy hos toast the new boy hos. Fake. Fake. False. Keebler Tommy voice-overs that they all were testing to see how the dates went. Now Tommy NYC says he wasn't happy that Nikkole went on a date, and what if she clicked with the new guy? Don't worry, bro. She had him picking out fucking presents for you. So sad. But they're hugging and kissing. Nikkole tells us she was staking her claim. They're making the fuck out. Raoooow! Now one of the new boy hos says that he was talking to Kelley and Keebler Tommy came over and sat between her legs and in between them. Indeed, we see him do just that.
Rossi narrates, and we see, Brian and Catherine freak-dancing in the middle of the floor. Rossi is bummed, and Keebler Tommy talks to him. Rossi voice-overs that he thought Catherine was "respectful" and "tactful." Heeeeee. Ass. Now Big Bri camera-talks that he knows about Rossi, but that Catherine told Brian she has more fun with him. Rossi is drunk and bitching that Catherine called Rossi the perfect guy, and now she's getting with Bri. Rossi's drunk and bummed, as Catherine and Brian continue to freak. Now Shannon bitches about Catherine jacking Rossi around. Rossi camera-talks more. Whining. Rossi gets more and more drunk and wears body paint and silly string and keeps trying to get Catherine's attention, as she continues to dance and throw her big titties only on Brian. Dance montage. Dance montage. Rossi makes a big, stupid analogy about him being in her web but he's a big spider and has a surprise. So here's what happens (or what appears to happen): he pours water on Brian, and then grabs Catherine and throws her in the pool. Everyone watches. Then Brian jumps in and "saves" Catherine. Rossi is in the pool complaining, yelling, "Brian's here!" And now he's doing an accent and drunk and bitching and Brian is just laughing along with everyone. Shannon is not laughing, though.
Now Catherine camera-talks that she knows it must be hard for Rossi, but she's on the island to be selfish. Then she gives the patented Temptation Island 2 justification code words: "In the moment" and "Going with my heart." Yup. It's called "cheating," no matter how many stupid euphemisms you use for it.
Late. Storm. We see Brian and Catherine on the beach via night-vision camera. They make out. The Music of Wishes She Were Enya plays as Brain digs his hand into Catherine's ass. Catherine has Brian down on the ground and she pulls out some more Words of Justification about doing what feels right, and as she slides his cock into her lying mouth, we thrust towards commercials.
Night. Storm. Tommy NYC gets into bed with Nikkole, as Nikkole voice-overs about Rossi and Catherine and Brian. They start kissing. Tommy camera-talks that they're taking it to a new level and Nikkole talks about worrying about consequences later. Montage of Sex! Clothes come off. It looks like there's some fucking going on.
Mid-humping, Keebler Tommy and a drunk Kelley walk in and sit on the humpbed. Kelley is bitching that she doesn't even think Brian is cute. She says she has to go to bed and tells Tommy NYC to have a nice birthday and to "enjoy it." Hee. They leave and Tommy NYC and Nikkole resume the lovin'.
Now we get a webcam shot of Kelley and Keebler Tom walking and then getting into bed. Keebler Tom says that Kelley is being "suppressed" in her relationship, and then she calls Keebler Tom "punkin'" and they go nuts in the bed. Kelley camera-justifies that she's here to enjoy herself, and it's not to offend her boyfriend. This, as Keebler Tom lets out his little elf.
Shannon is in bed. Aw, shit, she's looking at a photo of her and John. So sad. The only one not getting laid.
Day 16. Morning. Island Prettiness. Morning of Regrets. Tommy NYC says he's happy that Nikkole stayed all night, but now Nikkole says that, in the morning, she wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do.
Catherine's slut bed. Montage of Sex. She also wakes up in the morning, and says she's confused and likes "them both." We don't know if she means Rossi or Edmundo.
Now Shannon is lying in a solo hammock as she camera-talks that all the girls have boyfriends and yet they're all going crazy. She cries, "Never in a thousand, thousand, thousand years...I would never do that." We get a Montage of Last Night's Hoing as she continues to cry that it's not how she wants to live her life, and they're all doing things they're regretting. Um, then why are you on Temptation Island 2? I know your ex-husband fucked your best friend to you while you slept, but if you have such issues, don't do the show. Simple! Commercials.
Back. Bonfire. Hee. We get perhaps the best shot of the series as we pan up out of the fire to see Mark L. Walberg sitting alone, looking down, twiddling this thumbs, sadly. This same exact scene played out every day during lunch at high school for him.
The guys arrive, and Mark L. Walberg greets them, pretending he's not lonely. The guys sit as Mark L. Walberg, of course, starts talking about "choices." Mark has never been through this, so he explains that sometimes the choices are hard or easy. Tonight they're going to watch a tape of their girlfriends in a moment of "intimacy" and, depending, it could set their minds at ease or be very difficult to watch. The choice is theirs and will not affect the women.
Two-Earring Mark passes. He explains that he came on the island to enjoy his experience, and watching the tape will bring him back to Kelley, and he doesn't want to do that. He respects whatever she's doing and...Mark L. Walberg cuts him off. Edmundo. He doesn't want to watch, either. Mark L. Walberg asks what he's afraid to see, since...well, if no one watches they don't have much of a show. Edmundo lies that he's not afraid, but rather that he wants to respect her getting her freak on and blah blah blah breakupcakes.
John says he'll throw a "curveball" and watch it. Of course. Mark L. Walberg brings over the device and it's a tape of Shannon dancing in the hut. She's with Ruben -- "the black dude," as John calls him. It's very benign, though the editors try to make it look worse by focusing on hands and asses and everything. John explains to Mark L. Walberg that it was "Shannon partying," which is his Achilles heel. Huh? He says that it hurts, and Tommy rubs his shoulder. John starts babbling about guys touching Shannon and Ruben is gone and he's made "chickenshit" decisions in the past but he's not glad he chose to see it...and he must be very rattled because he continues to make absolutely no sense, ending by saying that he's shaking and that it just hit him. Okay.
Tommy says that the last he heard from Nikkole was her message; it was "touching," and he felt bad that he didn't send her a message. Too late, motherfucker. He continue to babble, concluding, "Let me see it!" The tape is Nikkole doing the bodyshot off Tommy NYC. They kiss. Someone tries to say that they're holding her down, but soon it's apparent that no one is holding her anywhere. Tommy explains that it was tequila shots and "lemons" and "limes" and "people being licked." Hee. He then goes off about how there are new singles and two wrongs don't make a right (to which John nods his head) but maybe it's time to "switch a gear or two." Does that mean do anal with Kristen, instead of just fucking her regular? What a dickhead. Mark L. Walberg starts trying to talk slang because he's babbling about "I hear you" and they're gonna be thinking about this and maybe it's time to get their "thing on" and it's all for them to "process." Then Edmundo -- trying to be a voice of reason, I think -- turns and says, "I'm just happy we haven't engaged in any of that at our place." Tommy says, "Right," but I don't think he gets it. They're dismissed and Tommy and Edmundo say that they were already planning on turning it up a notch, but now this is confirmation, and Tommy is ready to "kick it." Who's he gonna kick?
week...Ladies confront the most graphic clips yet at bonfire. Catherine sees Edmundo wax Hill's ass, and Catherine cries that "it hurts." The Big Voice says, "Shannon continues her unwavering façade of blind trust in John [Shannon watches the Nayla hug and says, "No worries"], betraying the truth about the welling pain inside of her." Jesus, Fox. Chill with the poetry. Shannon cries and says that she misses John so much. Countdown to final date and fueling desire and igniting controversy. Storm! Kissing. Kissing. Music. Nikkole camera-talks about Catherine and Brian naked, and then Nikkole grabs Rossi and takes him to see Brian and Catherine fucking. Ooh, that's harsh. And last bonfire before final decisions. Kelley and Keebler Tommy in bed! Brian and Catherine: Edmundo doesn't like to see some dude working his girl. Nikkole says, "He's about to sleep with somebody!" Kettles and pots! All of you!
And that's it! Welcome back. More hoing week!