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Christmas. New Year's. Friends. Family. Parties. Presents. Togetherness. Love...Fuck all that. Temptation Island 2 is back!
Previously...After fourteen days, Mark L. Walberg tools, the kids find themselves caught in a "confusing spiral of temptation." Isn't that the title of Alanis Morissette's new album? We see Hillary try to eat Edmundo's hand as we learn their affair is over, but now Eddie has picked up with smokin' Linda. (The "smokin'" stands for cigarettes, not her body.) Rossi won the Catherine sweepstakes, and Tommy NYC (who is still alive) and Nikkole finally hooked up. Meanwhile, Tommy Bad Fashion got it on with White Eyeshadow Girl Kristen, and John was getting "close" to Nayla. Shannon wept that she's "petrified." Me too, honey. Then Mark and Kelley rode in on their whores...I mean, "horses." Mark said, "This is heaven. What guy would not want to do this?" Uh, a gay one. (I'm not saying anything.) Then new hos arrived! Rossi was sad. Good.
Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. A bird. Guys' side. Tommy walks and talks with Katie as Tommy voice-overs about the new hos giving them a "charge." John -- who isn't, I don't think, much liked by anyone on the island -- tells Edmundo that he thinks the four new girls are physically better-looking than the five girl hos they currently have. Oh, I totally disagree.
Now the girl hos eat at the bar and bitch about the new hos. Pink says something, and Katie bitches that she doesn't like new people. I hear you, girlie. Kristen then camera-whores that they've all been through a lot, but when it comes down to it, they're not their men, for the hos to be jealous about. But that won't stop you, huh? Edmundo now camera-talks that he's "jacked" about the new girls arriving.
Meanwhile, the boy hos also bitch. Keebler Tom, obviously, is the most bummed. to Rossi. (Ali couldn't care less, I'm sure. He's just lucky to be around and knows it.) Keebler Tom says that the ladies said they don't find three of the new guys attractive, and goes on to say that he's not happy about the new guys. Rossi camera-talks that all the new guys are "cut up" with long hair; he calls them "monsters." Hee. He then says that with Brian, they're "done." Keebler Tom says that Catherine is gonna go for Brian, and now Catherine camera-talks the same thing. She thinks Brian has "it all." (Including, very soon, his dick in her mouth.) Keebler Tom agrees that Brian is awesome. Catherine is "excited." Me too, but for different reasons.
Day 15. Pool. Tool. It's Mark L. Walberg! Oh, how I missed him and his toolish, sad, needy ways. He struts out to no applause and blahs that yesterday they started with nine hos on each side and whittled it down to five. Each of the new hos was picked specifically to be attractive to one of the temptees, and now they're going to introduce themselves.
Ho-troductions! The first ho, Jocelyn, comes out, and Tommy's mouth falls open. She has huge fake titties and claims to work at an Investment Firm. (Whorehouse.) She lives in L.A. and likes muscle cars. "So guys, get ready to test-drive this one!" She shakes her huge boobies but they don't move an inch. Hee. Cheers. Shannon laughs.
is Aaron, a big Oral Surgeon. He makes a root canal joke. He's can't move his arms, he's so cut.
Girl ho. It's great fun watching the ladies follow the girl hos with their eyes. Daggers everywhere. Debbie is the new ho. She's a model/actress. (Stripper.) Oh. My. God. She does this whole, totally rehearsed thing where she says she lives in L.A. and she's a model and actress and she's sexy and single and ready to have some fun! And with each line there's an accompanying stiff arm movement and finger-points and rehearsed facial expression. It's like watching Jules Asner doing Tennessee Williams. The ladies are confused. Nikkole says, "She's a horrible actress." Hee.
Chad. He's also big and blond and likes adventure and learning. No one claps.
Caneel is . She's from L.A. She says, "Ladies, the bitch is back." Katie and the girl hos laugh. Shannon, her niceness not letting her get it at all, says, "Oh, I didn't think she was a bitch." Aw. That's sad.
Aaron is even bigger and blonder and says he's studying law. Good for him.
Magalie is the the ho of all hos. She's Creole and requires subtitles to be understood. No, seriously. They have subtitles for her. She says she's "hot and spicy" and is from Haiti. She then says, "Boys, let me show you how flexible I am," and she whips off her skirt and in a string thong she bends over right in front of them, showing her Pu-Now-Now to Tommy. Tommy freaks. Everyone freaks. Nikkole can't believe it. The shot of the girl hos all stunned is hysterical. Hos stunned by the ho-iness of others. Rich. Very rich. Ah, we finally get the graphic and learn that, yes, Magalie is a stripper. (Whore.)
Brian is . He looks like some '80s actor. He says this is his second chance. Catherine loves him.
Mark L. Walberg comes back out and says he has to stop blushing. And as the sun casts a perfect shadow showing us just how fake Catherine's titties are, Mark L. Walberg babbles that we'll now learn which ho is for whom...but first, commercials.