I hate Adelphia Cable. Yes, the stupid buying-up-every-other-cable-company around here continues to suck balls and cut off the first five or so minutes of Temptation Island 2 this week. Why couldn't it have messed up when I was going to watch Meet The Press or something? Oh yeah, because I don't watch that stuff.
So from what I can sleuth out: the girls talk about bonfire. Nikkole talks about Tommy and "White Eye Shadow Girl," and says she would rather he just kick it with one girl ho than ho all over the place. Catherine starts to realize Edmundo's a ho ho ho. Meanwhile, the guys are bummed when they realize Tony is gone, but also say they think Tony is whipped as hell and that their marriage is doomed. True that. Katie is the one who figures this out the most, God love her. Edmundo is mad he didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Tony. Meanwhile, Shannon cries when she realizes that Genevieve is gone. The boy hos, however, cheer when they learn of G-funk's gone-ness. And Donna is sad because she dug Tony. (Yeah. Right.)
Mark L. Walberg tools out to the airstrip to meet the new couple. Mark and Kelley have been together for over a year and are from Florida, strengthening my suspicion that many of America's problems could be solved if we just cut and push Florida out into the ocean. (Let's make sure to do it while J. Lo is there, okay?) Mark has double earrings and is a cop. Kelley has a strange neck and fake boobies. (So just for an update, it seems to me that three of the four temptee girls now on the island have fake tits. That's so...something.) Mark says that their relationship is getting stale. Mark L. Walberg asks how they feel, and they both lie that they're scared and nervous. Kelley goes on to say that Mark used to be a player even though now she trusts him. They kiss as Mark L. Walberg takes Mark off to meet the girl hos. Kelley sticks out her tits as she voice-overs that she's fine letting Mark "explore." Mark L. Walberg points out stuff along the beach as Mark just thinks, "Tool."
Girl hos and temptee guys. Floating in the pool. The Two Marks arrive. Edmundo gives Mark dirty looks. Pink already has plans to fuck him. John camera-talks that it was unexpected that a new guy was coming. John says, "New meat." John likes him a bit too much. The girl hos all sit and stick their titties out and giggle way too hard as they sit to talk and get to ho each other. Mark says he likes being with Kelley, but that he used to be a player and feels strangled. Pink looks at him like she would like to strangle him with her thighs. She could, too. Mark voice-overs that he knows he needs to grow up and some shit about how much he likes women. He babbles on that he bought a house and Kelley moved in, and then Edmundo camera-talks that all the girls took their attention away from him and put it on Mark and he didn't like it. Dude, trust me: getting Hillary's scary-ass attention off you for a while could be a very good thing. Mark lies that he's going to miss "the hugs of Kelley." He goes on that this is heaven for a guy. Immediately, he and Pink start getting drunk.
Ladies' side. Everyone is drinking as Mark L. Walberg and Kelley ride in on horses. Fucking funny sight, Mark L. Walberg trying to stop the horse. Catherine and crew read lines stiffly. "You think we're getting a new couple?" "No way." "What is going on? I don't like not knowing." Everyone speculates as someone yells, "Marky Mark." Mark L. Walberg interrupts and introduces Kelley. "Shut the front door!" yells Rossi. I hate Rossi. The boys immediately stand and flex. The ladies, meanwhile, throw Kelley some stink-eye that I can even smell from here. Kelley greets the girls way over-enthusiastically, and if you ever needed any evidence that girls are fucking horrible to each other, look at how Nikkole, then Catherine, and then Shannon all dis Kelley when she says, "Hi." Fucking bitches. Seriously. Kelley's trained enough in the ways of women to ignore it, however. Of course, she does raise her voice about two octaves as she goes around introducing herself to the boys. Shannon bitch-overs that they are all worried and that the boy hos all look like dogs in heat. They do. It's pretty funny. Catherine still won't say a word. Keebler Tom and Rossi go into the peeing-on-each- other-for-Alpha-male schtick. Finally, Catherine asks Kelley why she and Mark are here. Kelley, who has a cute little overbite and is tiny bit cross-eyed and has an overly peppy manner, says that she's the first girl Mark has ever lived with and he wants her to get a real job -- she's a bartender. ["Another one?!" -- Wing Chun] She says that she would love a career and she's going to school and she's "older" and is afraid Mark is going to "give up" on her. She camera-talks this and cries a bit. The girls all talk, and it seems that miraculously, no blood is shed. Commercials.
Horses. Mark L. Walberg leads the new couple to a bluff where they stand as Kelley camera-talks that she and Mark will be friends forever no matter what, but that she's afraid of what's going to happen. Now they have a candlelight dinner which Mark L. Walberg ruins just by being there. He toasts them and their long journey. They pretend the champagne is good, and sit. Mark L. Walberg tells them to tell him about themselves, but they hate him already so they say nothing. Finally, he asks what their biggest fear is. Kelley says she's afraid they'll come to a realization that they're not right for one another. Mark says he has to be selfish, and that both Mark's and Kelley's parents broke up, and he has to worry about himself and make sure he's in a good relationship. The double earrings are not working for him. Kelley and Mark reveal that it was Mark's idea to come here. Kelley points to Mark like she's pissed at him for making her do this. Mark says it's every guy's dream to be single again. Ouch. Mark L. Walberg leaves to let them eat dinner. They're happy he's gone. They talk and feed each other food. "It's getting real, huh?" says Kelley. Yeah, real boring.
The Candle-Dissolve Of Time Passage happens as Mark L. Walberg reemerges to say they have ten minutes to say goodbye. Kelley is already crying. She drapes herself across Mark and babbles that she's not going to hold anything against him and he says he feels for her and is going to worry about her. Oh, I think she and the twins can take care of themselves. She whispers something about how she told the other ladies that Mark is beautiful and that they'll figure this out, "one way or another." He says she's looking at him like she did the first time they met. Yeah, she was waiting for you to hurry the fuck up and give her your drink order. Douche. Even though they hug, neither looks particularly sad to go. The Two Marks ride off on horses. Poor horses. Commercials.
Night. Ladies' side. Kelley comes back to a full-on party. She tells us she's ready to get busy and go nuts. Keebler Tom, looking like a happy schoolgirl, tells us that Kelley is ready to party. Ruben agrees. Everyone is dancing and drinking and hoing it up. Ali calls her "Spark Plug." Clever Ali. Spout them witticisms now, brother, because you're gone soon. The other girls are threatened and begin to stake their "claim." Because of Kelley being a ho-bag and all, the other girls decide to start hoing, too. Catherine dances like the stripper she is. Shannon dances with Ruben and then camera-talks that she's no longer worrying about her boyfriend but is exploring for her and just going for it. Dancing. Dancing. Pool. Swimming.
Guys' side. Things are calmer. John looks Mark up and down as he arrives back, and then says that a lot of girls are digging "The Italian Stallion." Either John likes him, or thinks he's being clever by quoting Rocky. Either one is pretty sad. Mark drinks around the bar as Katie-Who-I-Like says that Mark has a job and an education, which are two check-marks on her list. Talking. Talking. He talks to all the girls and tries to get to know them. Later, the girl hos all camera-talk that Mark actually asked about them, which none of the other guys did. Tiffani goes on about his eyes and his body, and Pink wants to eat him up. Girl hos dance on the bar, and then everyone jumps in the pool. Donna says something to us. John camera-talks that he thinks they're going to hear a lot of "The Italian Stallion" being shouted in "the wee hours of the morning." Then, sadly, he looks around waiting for the camera crew to laugh. Oh. Sad. Swimming. Swimming. Whoring.
Later. Pool. Slow dancing. Couples. Dancing. Catherine and Rossi hug. Catherine camera-talks that Rossi said he had no idea how it felt to be treated like a queen. That makes no sense, Catherine. Stupid. Check the silicon, I think it's leaking to your head. They hug in the pool as Rossi now spits this stupid shit about Catherine being a prize butterfly and they give us subtitles but I'm not going to give Rossi the satisfaction because it's the wackest shit ever. Of course, Catherine is digging it. She says it got her excited, and that Rossi is a guy who fights for what he wants. Now Rossi tells us he's going to come through the winner. Ali gives us commentary that Keebler Tom realized he'd lost Catherine and was all over Kelley, "the new fresh meat." I thought that was pork. Anyway, we do indeed see Keebler Tom throwing his crap moves at Kelley, as well. Catherine tells us she's not here to fight over guys.
Night-vision. Rossi and Catherine sneak behind the cabins, looking around. Shot of a raccoon. Hee. Catherine spins that they came because it was dark and they could see the stars. Rossi spins that he wasn't trying to get some -- just a kiss. He asks if he can kiss her. She doesn't respond. He forces a kiss on her. She pulls away. Rossi sucks. Catherine says she told him she wasn't ready. She goes on to say that the things he was saying were pretty incredible, and he's getting to her. It looks like they kiss again. Man. I swear, guys in general must have the crappiest lines, because I would never try to get away with this wack shit. Man.
Ladies' side. Hillary is rubbing Edmundo's feet. She camera-talks that she had no expectations when she came here, and didn't think that she'd become so emotionally invested. For some reason, Edmundo is limping like a motherfucker and Hillary helps him to his room, the whole time saying that they clicked right away and discovered things about each other and "here we are." They're now in the room. Lights off. Candles lit. She looks through the bathroom door and Edmundo says he's brushing his teeth naked, and does she want to come help? He says he can see a camera crew behind her, and she asks, "Where?" There is a camera mounted in the wall, it looks like, but nothing else. She goes around fruitlessly turning off all the lights as Edmundo camera-talks, deeply afraid about what he's done, that Catherine might take things a little personally and lose focus when she sees what he's doing being single and "having a little too much fun, I guess." He desperately continues trying to save his doomed relationship as he goes on that she has to remember that they're here to explore. Hillary sneaks into the bathroom with Edmundo. Edmundo then, hysterically, looks through a slat they've broken in the door to make sure the coast is clear, and then his eyes disappear. Hillary begins moaning. Hee. Suddenly, Tommy -- a camera crew behind him -- walks into the room. He hears the van-a-rockin' and sneaks out. Moans. Damn! Edmundo has done it. Yes, the crazy chicks are the best in bed, but you must remember: they're crazy! We fade to commercials as Hillary slides to her knees to the sink and Edmundo, finally, seals his scary fate.
Day 11. Pool area. Date selection. Mark L. Walberg asks the girl hos what their shirts say. Pink's shirt says, "I like your boyfriend," and the other girl hos all sport tiny white shirts saying, "Me 2." "Oh god," spits Nikkole. "That's terrible," says Shannon, pissed. Catherine makes her bitch face. John laughs. Edmundo gives Catherine a side-guilt-glance. Mark L. Walberg tools on that they can now pick someone to date that they've already dated. Sadly, Hillary gives Edmundo a "remember last night" tongue flick. Ew. DJ Scribble or someone plays music and the girl hos skank out onto the bridge and dance. One by one, the guys will go up there, dance, and then dance away with the girl ho of his choice. "You gotta dance, dude," says Tommy, scared. The girl hos slut it up. "These girls are prostitutes," whispers Nikkole. The girl hos all rip off their shirts and Edmundo goes out there. He starts dancing, and it's the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. He does this move where he's driving a car but his hands are all floppy. Then he does a three-steps-to-the-right, three-steps-to-the-left hoppy thing. Tommy cracks up. Edmundo dances in front of Hillary...and then grabs smoking-voiced Linda. Catherine still has her bitch face on and shakes her head. Linda camera-talks that she was surprised Edmundo didn't pick Hillary. Hillary looks like she's about to cry. Uh oh.
Mark is . Kelley says this is no fun as her man Dances With Hos. He picks Donna. Kelley knew it would be her.
Nikkole whispers something about how Tommy thinks he can dance, but can't. Tommy is freaking with all the girls. She guesses he's going to pick "White Eye Shadow Girl." Tommy slaps Katie's ass, then picks Tiffani. Nikkole camera-talks that for Tommy to slap Katie's ass in front of her shows that he is one of the most selfish men she's ever been with. Yup.
John. He dances terribly, but at least seems to know it. Shannon does not look amused. Everyone else does. He picks Nayla, the teacher. Shannon frowns, then mouths something that looks like, "Liar" or "Like her?" to John. Mark L. Walberg asks if anyone has picked someone they've already had, and John says he has. Shannon is pissed, once again. Mark L. Walberg, all getting people in trouble. Man, he must have gotten the shit kicked out of him when he was a little kid. And strangely, no one has picked Katie. Stupid men. All of them.
Mark L. Walberg asks for the DJ to start, and the boy hos start dancing. Shannon yells for Ali to "go!" Tommy thinks Rossi's dancing is funny. Shannon dances out there, and picks Ruben. John is not happy. Shannon camera-talks that Ruben is gorgeous and seems "open and inviting."
Nikkole. "Here comes the pain," lies Tommy. Nikkole doesn't even dance, she just goes straight to Fireman Tommy. Nikkole's Tommy yells, "Damn!" Hee. Nikkole tells us that she picked him because she's just going to follow her feelings. In other words, she's fucking pissed at Tommy and the gloves are off. (And, yes, by "gloves," I actually mean "panties.")
Catherine. Mark L. Walberg says that she's a dancer, so he wants to see her work it. Not "dancer," Mark L. Walberg. "Stripper." She dances and finally picks Tony, the P.E. teacher -- the guy who is so smart he's figured out a way to get stoned and then play kickball with kids every day, and get paid for it. He seems shocked. Edmundo seems happy. Rossi is pissed. Hee. Rossi camera-talks, "Catherine picks Tony, and everyone in America goes 'What is she doing?'" If you're a total douchebag, do you know you're a total douchebag? Man alive, I hate that guy.
Kelley. She dances, and picks Keebler Tom. I know. I know. Don't get it either.
Mark L. Walberg applauds them all for their dancing skills and then babbles that it may have been painful or fun, depending, for them. Hillary is on the verge of tears, doing the hand-waving-in- front-of-her-face thing to stop herself crying. Rossi is pissed. Ali has given up on ever getting picked. Mark L. Walberg dismisses them. Hillary storms off.
Trees. Beach. Hillary stands. Nayla tells us that Hillary is pissed because Edmundo didn't pick her for the date. John camera-talks that she doesn't think Hillary is stable now; then Hillary walks by and won't talk to the camera guy. She goes past the other girl hos, who yell for her to come join them sunbathing and tell her that they're not her enemy, but she stalks off. Edmundo now camera-talks, oblivious, telling us the other girl hos are filling him in, and that he had no idea and they got close, and maybe she's upset he didn't pick her. Stupid.
Pink and another girl ho camera-talk that Edmundo said he and Hillary did everything but have sex in the bathroom. They giggle.
Katie sees Hillary walk by (I guess she's just stalking around the whole island), and yells for her that she didn't get picked for a date either and she knows how Hillary feels; Hillary says that Katie has no idea, and slams the bathroom door. Hee. Edmundo now camera-talks his innocent-man bullshit that this is the first time he's experiencing these crazy-girl dramatics with Hillary and maybe he's forgetting how good he has it with Catherine. Now in a room together with some other girl hos looking on, Hillary and Edmundo trade "How am I supposed to feel?"s, and she Glenn Closes, "I was with you last night!" She babbles on, "It's totally a thing for me in my life. I screw around with a guy or whatever and the day I'm forgotten." Yikes! Double yikes!
Now Hillary, hugging a pillow, camera-talks that Edmundo says he wanted to go on his final date with her (liar!), but what if she's no longer around? She concludes, "He's the one who has to face the consequences." Oh. My. God. Run! She sadly continues to flip the light switch on and off as opera plays and we fade to commercials.
Night. Ladies' side. Someone is babbling something about an afro wig, and there is a dinner and Mark L. Walberg shows up and Keebler Tom tells us how much they all hate it when Mark L. Walberg comes to visit. So do we all, dude. Mark L. Walberg babbles his bullshit about how they all need to stay in the moment. Then he says that sometime in the thirty-six hours, most of them will be gone. Sad Music. Wah-wah music. Shocked looks. He can't say when or how, but they'll be gone. They have this one night to all fuck each other, then. He leaves, and the girls figure the guys going on the dates will be protected, but of course, maybe not. Fireman Not-Dead Tommy camera-talks something assholish about how Catherine picked Tony as a "pity date" because she didn't think he'd be asked out at all. He goes on to say that it was "ridiculous" as opposed to, um, "nice." He goes on that Rossi might get kicked off because of it, and she'll feel bad then. I won't. Rossi camera-talks that he and Catherine like each other, and he's frustrated that it might be ruined because of a dumb play she made. Fuck off.
Guys' side. Everyone is trying to comfort Hillary on a bed (aw yeah!), and the girl hos all pile on Hillary and make her laugh, finally. Crazy crazy women. The girl hos flirt as Mark L. Walberg arrives. He gathers everyone around and gives them the boot news. They should party hard tonight. Hillary still looks like she's going to cry. "Don't waste it. Don't let tomorrow come with regrets," he says. Mark L. Walberg tools away as the girls toast and talk about friendships and cry. Kirsten is crying and is scared of being booted. Tommy and Pink both camera-talk about her and about the upcoming sadness and there is a great, telling shot of Tommy leaning against the bar and all six girls around him are turned toward him like he's telling them a story, but he's just standing and drinking. Kirsten camera-talks that she made friends and she doesn't want to leave. She's just weepy and drunk. She continues that Tommy was the only one who cared about who she was, and she loves him "to death" for that.
Night-vision. Tommy and Kirsten are on the beach and they talk and drink and kiss. She calls him sensual and sexual and passionate. Ew. We see them now getting into bed together. He takes off his shorts. Ew again. Commercials.
week. Mark and Kelley stir things up. Kelley is doing body shots off guys and Nikkole says she's "a breath of fresh air." Kiss her! Nikkole continues to pursue Tommy C., and it leads to their first "intimate encounter"; we see them kissing in the dark. The island will be rocked by another mysterious arrival, says The Big Voice, and Catherine looks stunned as more horses arrive carrying what looks like a guy and two new girl hos. Hm. More shocked faces. Now the booting continues as they have to say goodbye to half the hos. Rossi tells us he'll be very vocally pissed if he gets the boot. I hope he's vocally pissed, then. We dissolve as two boy hos hold hands. Ah, see, now that's a different show, people.
Ho on, everyone! See you week.