When is some female (or male) hip-hop star going to step up and refuse to buy into the ho and Cristal and backing-that-ass-up and thong and titties and "you can fuck me whenever you come off tour" thing and say enough already?
Okay, bring on the sluts...
Opening. Four couples. Incredible journey. Island Prettiness. Mark L. Walberg tool-overs about being single again and testing devotion and have I found the one. The kids are shocked as they have to say goodbye. Tony and Genevieve on a trampoline. That's funny shit. Nikkole and Tommy walk dogs. John and Shannon ride bikes. Catherine watches Edmundo shave. Yeah, that's just about right. Hos Wide Shut. Catherine is excited. A month, they'll ho. Loser hos booted. Bonfire. Confront emotions. Videotapes. Kissing. Kissing. Shaking. Narrow the field. Exotic final date. Reunite. Confess. Decide. Mark L. Walberg walks sadly down the beach on a date with his invisible girlfriend, and the cameras catch him so he opens his one arm to the world and welcomes us, much like Tattoo welcoming us to Fantasy Island. And much like Tattoo, Mark L. Walberg will spend the rest of his career trying to achieve the heights of his one hit show, and failing over and over.
Previously...Genevieve yelled at Nikkole and the boy hos. She wanted to leave. Nikkole and Firefighter Tommy dug each other. They had a nice date and hugged. (Tommy is alive, by the way. Good news.) Catherine and Keebler Tommy rubbed mud on each other. The cameraman lovingly panned across Catherine's titties. So did we all. Edmundo and Hillary got down in the dark. She bit off his finger. Medic! Medic! He didn't know "emotion" could evolve so quickly. It's called a boner, dude. It takes but seconds. ("Butt seconds." That's what Edmundo got last night. Hee, I'm funny.)
Morning. Hillary and Edmundo sleep together under a dirty yellow blanket as Hillary camera-talks about how great it was and how Edmundo's everything she wants in a man. Meanwhile, Edmundo tries to downplay it, saying that he thinks she could potentially be a cool chick. In an overhead shot, we see a big yellow dog sleeping on the floor near them. Whose dog is that? What the hell is going on? Like many cheaters before him, Edmundo sneaks out the door while the ho dreams her slutty little dreams. Hillary doesn't know what's going to happen with him and Catherine.
John. Morning. He walks out to the beach to see if he got a video message. He opens the box, and there is one! (Edmundo opened the box last night. See? See? Funny.) Shannon tells John that they're really strong at the core, and that their relationship is built on trust. She guilt-trips him hardcore. John camera-talks that he saw fear in her eyes, particularly because her ex cheated on her while she was sleeping in the bed.
Shannon. Nice Shannon. Bathing suit. Suddenly, I like yellow. She's very happy to get a tape, but tells us that if there is bad news, she wants to know now and find out right away if they're not right for each other. John talks. He didn't watch the "crush" videotape because he didn't want Shannon to see a girl talking about him. Shannon thinks it's "sweet," but now she's worried, and she doesn't know what's going on.
Edmundo wears a scarlet A on his tiny chest. Catherine. She calls him her "personal legend" and her "prince." She loves him with every part of her being. She's very very sweet...and very very cheated-on. Edmundo tells us that it was nice, and a little scary. Hee. Yeah, it was. He actually shows a little bit of emotion on his face. He's worried that Catherine's going to see something she doesn't want to see later. Yeah. Edmundo's hands up Hillary's ass.
Catherine. Edmundo says he's having "innocent fun," and drones with no feeling that he loves her. Catherine cries, saying that now she's worried and thinks he's opening himself up. She cries to the camera that she would give anything to see him. I think Catherine is quite a good actress. But not that good. Like, give that girl an Obie or something. Commercials.
Back. Island Prettiness. Tommy. Wearing the worst shorts ever. He walks on the beach saying that he thinks a lot about the decisions he's going to have to make in the couple of weeks, and he thinks at the end of this they'll know what to do. Nikkole says she misses him and that she's having fun, and she hopes he's not having too much fun. He smiles and then ruins it by saying he feels a little bad that he didn't send her a message, but that she knows he cares about her. Dummy. Haven't you learned that you have to remind them, all the time? Stupid. "I guess I miss her," he concludes. Ass.
Nikkole walks to the box. Nothing. She's sad. She tells us she would have at least liked to have gotten a "hello, I miss you," and that it makes her wonder if he misses her at all. Can't find a better man.
Tony. Ha. He walks out on the beach to find Mark L. Walberg. That's not what you want to find. Mark tells him that, due to the content of Genevieve's message, he can't show hers at this time. Tony walks back, sad, and camera-talks in his weird and dead-inside "Da Bulls" accent that he wants to know what's going on, and that this is a "horrible feeling."
Genevieve. Mark L. Walberg stops her, and pushes her off the cliff. No. He tells her that there is a message, but first he's arranged the "meeting" she's asked for; he tells her to follow him. She walks a bit behind him so she doesn't have to listen to him mouth-breathing.
Guys' side. Tony babbles to anyone who will listen about not getting to see the tape and how he's worried and wah wah wah. They ignore him and talk amongst themselves about how they all got tapes. So Tony runs out and talks to Katie and the other girl hos. They'll listen. (I can't remember who it was, but whichever reader said Tiffani's boobs look like Al Roker's butt: funny shit.) Tony babbles on. The girl hos are confused for him. Tony says something, but I don't understand him. Suffice it to say, it's more whining.
Island Prettiness. Waves. Waves. Beach. The ladies and boy hos have a cook-out. They all wonder where Genevieve is, since she hasn't returned after going to see her message. Shannon camera-talks that she doesn't want Genevieve to be gone. The boy hos do.
Meanwhile, Tony sits on the beach all sad. He camera-talks the saddest thing ever -- that most of the time he deals with stuff himself because he doesn't want to "be a burden" to anyone. Oh, Tony! When did you become an American housewife in the 1950s? So he's driving himself nuts and wants to the know the reasons he can't watch the tapes...but really he just doesn't want to be a burden.
Night. Boat. The girls get on a boat to bonfire and they camera-talk that Genevieve's stuff is gone and they all suspect she's off the island and figure they'll get answers at bonfire.
Bonfire. The girls arrive. Mark L. Walberg babbles that he can't share the reasons why, but that Genevieve won't be at bonfire with them. Oh my god, Genevieve has escaped! Lock down the island! Toolbag goes on to say that tonight is about personal choices, and their choice won't affect their men and they get to choose to see a tape of their man's "experiences" with the girl hos on the island. He goes on that it could be "playful, fun, and benign," or it could be "disturbing." Mark L. Walberg is all those adjectives. Well, except for "fun." Catherine. She wants to see. Nikkole thinks it's going to be bad because she's "psychic."
Catherine watches Edmundo getting a lapdance from Pink. "Wait, are you kidding me?" she says. The music gets all "wah-wah" and slo-mo and they keep cutting to Mark L. Walberg and the tape and the other girls watching and Catherine stunned, her upper lip sweating. Shannon laughs her ass off. Mark takes the player, and Catherine doesn't talk. Finally, she says she's not okay, adding, "That is not Edmundo. That is not the guy I know...Obviously he was not thinking about me at all." She's pissed. And now crying and whispering, "I don't get it." She tells Mark L. Walberg, "I don't understand." Nikkole tries to comfort her as Catherine breaks down and says she can't do this and "why would he do that?" Mark L. Walberg doesn't know. Shannon asks if they decided kissing was okay, and Catherine says kissing "some girls breasts" is not fine. "He looked like a fool!" she says. Mark L. Walberg smiles and nods and says he understands. "I really do. It must be hard to look at," he tools on. He tries to say she's seen a moment "out of context," and Catherine basically tells him to fuck his pasty ass off. Shannon tries to say that reality and perception are two different things...and that's why she doesn't want the girls to watch her tape. She wants to form her own opinion.
Tape. John dances on a table with girl hos. It's Pink again. Troublemaker. It's very very nothing. Shannon laughs -- not nervously, for once, but with relief. "Rock on!" she laughs. "It's all good," she goes on, saying it right in poor Catherine's face. "He's a rock star. And he absolutely looked like one." Well, he sort of looked like a thirty-ish bartender, but whatever. Shannon says she's having fun, and Mark L. Walberg says that he's glad she's having fun. Catherine shoots everyone involved a death look that could melt steel.
Nikkole. She wants to watch, and will let the other girls watch with her. "Mine will be the worst. Trust me." She says her heart is going a mile a minute. "Think positive," offers Catherine, lamely. The tape starts. She reacts. "Told ya! I told ya." Hee. This episode rules. Commercials.
This genital warts commercial is great. Basically it says, "Use our drug and get rid of your genital warts...but other warts may occur, it doesn't cure it, and side effects may include your dick falling off."
Back. Video. Tommy gets lapdanced. Some girl straddles his face. Nikkole is pissed. "Those girls are trash," says Catherine. They see Pink again. Now Tommy makes out with a girl. "He looks like an idiot," Nikkole says. "They're dirty," says Catherine, about the girls. She thinks they're not very "classy." Um, ya think? Now Nikkole is crying that Tommy has a good woman in her and if he can't see that, fuck him. She goes on to say that it's only going to get worse, especially if he goes on his final date with Pink, who is "obviously a prostitute." Hee. Nikkole says that she's sure there was worse that Mark L. Walberg couldn't show. Mark L. Walberg says he doesn't know, and Shannon says that she doesn't believe that, and suddenly all the wronged girls turn on Mark L. Walberg and shoot him death looks. Instead of jumping him and ripping him limb from limb, however, Nikkole asks when the lapdance was, because she didn't get a message tape and that hurts even more. Mark L. Walberg is losing control. He's in a corner and goes on to say that he might know but really can't say any more or he'll be fired and please don't hurt him. The girls leave, walking away talking about the tapes and about how the girl hos are like strippers in Vegas but at least in Vegas their men aren't living with the strippers on a tropical island. No, but that would be the best strip club ever!
Boat. Man boat. Bonfire boat. John voice-overs that he's mostly pissed for Tony that they couldn't show him his tape. Tony is sad. Edmundo knows something is going to go down. Bonfire. Mark L. Walberg arrives in slo-mo because he's magic like that. He asks how they are; no one answers, and he says, "Right on." Douche. He says there are choices, and Tony will be confronted with a "pretty profound" choice, so he'll go last. He explains about individual choice, saying they can watch the tape or not based on their own decisions. Do they make the men dress so terribly, or are these their own horrific choices?
John first. He thinks and then says he doesn't want to watch the tape. Mark L. Walberg is sad. John says that he'd rather Shannon tell him than see it himself, and that there is going to be partying and it's always been a worry for him -- you can have your girlfriend go party with the girls because you know she's coming home to you, but this time she's not coming home to him. The music goes all Wah-Wah again and he goes on to say that he may kick himself later, but that he doesn't want to watch.
Tommy. He wants to see what's going on because if he didn't know it would drive him crazy. Commercials.
Moon. Fake moon. Fire. Tommy. The other guys can watch. Generous Tommy. It's the massage room. Enya plays as three guys rub down Nikkole. Eh. Bleh. These girls don't party like the girls last season. We need some Lady Hos time, people! Eh. Nothing. John says he knows there were four groups there, and Tommy says, "Good eye." Tommy says he's feeling a little nervous. Liar. He says the other guys were touching Nikkole, and that it's not easy for him, and massages lead to something else. He's very much trying to make this seem like something because he feels guilty for being such a bad man. Mark L. Walberg starts babbling about the moments before and after and that Tommy knows his girlfriend and then asks, "You ah-ite?" Shut up. Jesus.
Edmundo. He wants to see. The ladies are so boring that the producers can only find the massage part to show again. "That was kinda cheesy," John says about the massage room. Thank you! At least someone said it. Now Catherine lies with her big-ass fake-ass titties and the boys are rubbing her and she's saying how good it feels and titties and titties and titties and that's it. I wish someone would throw the little video unit into the jungle instead of handing it back to Mark L. Walberg. Edmundo says that he's more worried about what Catherine might see. "Or already has seen," offers Mark L. Walberg. Edmundo goes on to say that he feels it's all been innocent fun, and then adds, "Not that I have to explain myself here." Then why are you? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Tony's turn. Mark L. Walberg says that he has to talk to him in private, so the other guys have to leave. They leave. Tony is alone. Tony is always alone. Two sad men together. Mark L. Walberg recaps that he couldn't show him the tape before, but now he can, so here's the tape. Mark L. Walberg says, "I don't know what's on here." Liar. Liar. And you will be proven a liar! Tony takes the device. Commercials.
Back. Tony. Video. Genevieve the snake. She says that she wishes she could say she was sorry she brought him here, but she's not. She reveals that last December in Rome when he asked her to marry him, it brought her a lot of doubt about the finality of marriage and shit. Whoa! Tony asked her to marry him in Rome, at the Vatican, and she said no, and they're still together?! Goddamn. I don't know what to say. She goes on to say that it only took her a few days in this environment to realize that she was a fool to take him for granted. She cries that she doesn't want to go another day without him, and will he make her the happiest woman on earth and be her husband? The tape ends and Tony hangs his head. Mark L. Walberg goes over and takes the video unit, not asking what was on it. See, he knew! He knew! He babbles that they agreed to stay on the island, and Tony probably has his own questions to answer and he can convey a message to Genevieve through Mark L. Walberg or see Genevieve now, in person; he basically says, "Dude, don't let her make these decisions for you, stupid ass. Be a man!" But Tony says to bring Genevieve. Mark L. Walberg tells Tony to say what's in his heart to her, and disappears.
Focus on The Fire Of Time Passage as Tony sits there. Sitting. Sitting. Fire. Fire. Tony. Genevieve slithers out of the jungle and sits to him, smiling. Tony doesn't say anything and she keeps smiling and this is where she would say, "Don't ignore me, Tony!" and grab him by the ear but she's on TV so she just looks confused and cocks her head like a dog and turns to Mark L. Walberg and then back to Tony, still smiling, her scales showing. The moon looks down and shouts, "Don't do it!" The earth opens up and yells, "Don't do it!" Thor and Zeus and God and Vishnu and Copernicus and Shakespeare and Babe Ruth and Malcolm X and Jackie Gleason and Miles Davis and Jerry Seinfeld and Gidget the Taco Bell Chihuahua all appear before Tony and scream, "Please, Tony. Please don't do it!" Tony speaks.
Tony says that this has been the toughest afternoon of his life, because he couldn't watch her tape and was concerned for her well-being "mentally and physically." (This will not be the first time he worries about her mental well-being, I'm sure.) Genevieve does not apologize but keeps smiling, wondering why he isn't just leaping into her arms. Tony drones on that he's going to talk about his experience and his feelings and she says, "You're scaring me," and Tony, for once -- for the first time and certainly the last ever -- says, "Just listen to what I have to say." Genevieve makes a mental note to hit him later for that and smiles on, nervously. Tony says that he's learned a lot about himself in the last week and realized what's really important in his life. He talks about looking at his "list of goals" before they came here, and that there was no relationship goal on there, and that he felt like the "stupidest man on the earth." I don't even understand what he's saying. Do you? He blahs on about how he's leaving himself open to not forming final conclusions about "the whole process" (Jigga-What?), and every day it's been reinforced that he wants the relationship between them to be his #1 priority. "I think it's time for us to end this journey and live our life together. I love you. The answer is yes," he smiles. She hugs him, happy. And for a fleeting second I'm not ashamed to admit I feel happy for them. Okay, a little ashamed. Mark L. Walberg smiles sadly, not caring that the lighting he's under is really bad for him. The Strings of Doomed Marriages play as Genevieve wraps her tentacles around Tony, never to let go. Mark L. Walberg says that they've found their answers and their journey is over and they can go home. They stand and hug and she whispers that she's going to kick his ass and they leave. Mark L. Walberg is left alone, once again. Love walks off into the night and leaves him alone for the thousandth time in his life, and he feels the sadness and the hurt building and trying to force its way up and out and he reflexively looks around for some ice cream or a bag of chips to push the hurt back down but there is nothing. He'll just have to sit with the pain. Forever.
week. Ho montage. Ho montage. Kissing. Dancing. Catherine and Nikkole's experience watching the videos "throws them into a jealous rage." Nikkole says that they voted off all these "beautiful, innocent women, and left all the prostitutes." Hee. Catherine says, "I will kick their ass." Yeah! Go! And now Genevieve and Tony leaving makes Shannon sad. Shannon cries. But everyone else is happy. Nikkole tells the boy hos that Genevieve is gone and they all cheer. Ooh, cold. Nikkole camera-talks that she now realizes Genevieve was poison. Fake-hick Rossi says they were glad to see them gone. Ooh, a new couple arrives. The boy hos say the new girl is there to cause problems. Shannon remarks that the boy hos looked like dogs in heat seeing the new girl. Hee. The new boy is introduced to the group and they talk about how hot he is. Even John says that he's hot. Hee. And finally, Edmundo and Hillary "give in, and unlock the door to their carnal lust." Edmundo says he's brushing his teeth naked and asks Hillary if she wants to come help. She goes into the bathroom. Tommy comes in later and hears the bathroom a-rockin' and makes a beeline out of there. And that's it.
Wow. Rock. Bye!