Doesn't Herb Ritts have anything better to do than to direct J. Lo videos? No? Oh. Right. The '80s are over.
Let's start the slutfest, shall we? Plane montage. Plane montage. Mark L. Walberg tool-overs about four couples and testing boundaries and answering ultimate questions. Mark L. Walberg's ultimate question is, "Can I get through another day without sneaking into the kitchen at 3 AM and going Meredith Baxter-Birney on a quart of ice cream, a loaf of bread, and a sleeve of Oreos to fill the pain and emptiness?" Remote location. Single again. Have I found the one? Horse montage. Montage of separation. "It all begins...now." Hos Wide Shut. Catherine says someone got her all excited in all the right ways. What, they announced a special on implant maintenance? Slut montage. Date montage. For nearly a month, they'll ho around. Kissing. "She's bad, man. But 'bad' meaning 'good.'" Hos are booted. Bonfire. Confronting emotions. Videotape. At the end, the kids will narrow the field to one. (Man, it's like we're about to jump into Act Two of fucking King Lear or something with all the exposition this show takes.) Exotic final dates. Reunited. Confess. Decide the fate. Mark L. Walberg walks alone down the beach, stretching out his arm in supplication, surrender, and pure, sad, pitiful, ugly, open, and never-to-be-fulfilled, need. Logo!
Previously. First date. Catherine is excited to be "single" again. First dates. Emerging love triangles. Hillary loves Edmundo. Rossi and Keebler Tom love Catherine. "May the best man win," geeks Keebler Tom. First bonfire. Videotapes. The couples get upset. Nikkole cries. Catherine is sent into an emotional tailspin. Of course she is.
Ladies' side. "One hour after bonfire." Catherine cries. Nikkole doesn't give a shit. She voice-overs that bonfire wasn't "negative, per se" for Catherine in that Hillary didn't talk shit about her, but Edmundo is going to need to realize what a good stripper girlfriend he has. Nikkole gives Catherine some tough love, saying that Edmundo doesn't feel the same way about her. Catherine doesn't hear, and pretends she's back in the Acting For The Camera class she took at community college and stares at us, telling us very "sadly" how much she wants Edmundo to use this experience to realize what a good girlfriend he has. She was hurt and saddened by bonfire. So were we all, honey. So were we all.
Second date selection. "Power dating." The editors layer on fake applause and love for Mark L. Walberg as he comes out to the pool area in front of the hos and couples. The hos will come around to each temptee, spend two minutes with him or her, and then switch -- until our kids have had a "Power Date" with each ho. Then they'll list their top four picks for their date. Gay and stupid enough for you? Good. The drum sounds and it starts.
Crap. Power Date Montage time. Someone hands someone a flower, and that someone is "touched." Rossi greets Shannon. Nice and "real" ho Katie tells Tommy that in terms of ice cream flavors, she wants a man who is Mint Chocolate Cookie. (I know. Gay. This whole thing.) Goddamn, this is funny: Tony asks Pink, "Are you upset you got blocked from me?" and Pink says, "No." Heeeee. Heeeeeeeeeeee. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Ass. Someone lies to Edmundo and says his eyes are sexy. He doesn't know how to react. Catherine asks some boy ho whether he's ever cheated. I don't know what happens after that, because the oil on Catherine's big ol' falsies catches the sun and I'm blinded for the rest of the shot. The PhD black girl ho says that she's afraid to be alone with Edmundo. Edmundo reddens.
More. A girl ho doesn't understand Tommy's ice cream question. He tries to explain it. She still doesn't. (Editors: nice job with his montage. Kinda funny, I hate to admit.) Tony asks the rocker(?) girl ho whom she'd least like to go on her dream date with. "Probably you," says the girl ho. Hee. Heeeee. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE heeeeeeeee. Ass, again. Hillary tells John that her favorite drink is a "Sloe Comfortable Screw." If a girl ho gave me that as an answer, I might just have to kick her, it's so stupid. Rossi says that he's "all about the romance." Tony, not having had enough yet, asks the girl ho who sounds like she's smoked three packs a day since puberty whether she'd want to go out on a date with him. "Sure," she says, like she just found an extra dime in her pocket she didn't know she had. Like, "Wow. A dime."
The power dating is over. Thanks. They pick now. Genevieve's first pick is Keebler Tom. Mark L. Walberg reveals that Catherine also picked Keebler Tom. Keebler Tom confuses and frightens me. People are clapping, and Catherine instinctively starts smiling, assuming the applause is for her, because that's what usually happens after she slides down the pole at the strip club using only her vagina to grip on. Keebler Tom is going to have to pick between the snake and the stripper, and Genevieve blames Catherine for putting them in this position. Commercials.
Mark L. Walberg thinks Keebler Tom is a stud. So does Tony, it seems, as Keebler Tom walks past him. Keebler Tom picks Genevieve. Catherine is sad. Keebler Tom camera-talks that he thinks Genevieve is a "character," and that's why he wanted to go out with her. Catherine's second choice is Marble Mouth Jeff. He camera-talks that he's going to show Catherine how she should be treated. Nikkole gets Ali, the short Arab dude. He does another basketball pose. Huh. Ali camera-talks that Tommy should be worried about Ali with his girlfriend. Shannon picks "hick" Rossi.
The guys' turn. Tommy picks Kishi, the other black girl ho. Kishi tells us that she's the exact opposite of Nikkole, and won't damage Tommy's masculinity. How thoughtful. Edmundo picks Tiffani, the first black girl ho. She camera-talks that Edmundo has something sincere about him. No, he doesn't. Tony picks Linda, the heavy-smoker. (Well, she was the only one who didn't dis Tony to his sad face.) Mark L. Walberg calls John "Big John." Ew. John gets to go out with Nayla. She's the one who dissed Tony. She's tiny. Shannon is amused (read: sad). The new couples leave, the remaining dismissed hos clapping in the breeze.
Keebler Tom tells us that he went straight to talk to Catherine afterward, and explain that he likes her, too. He tells us that he's concerned she wouldn't pick him for her date. Catherine smiles as Keebler Tom explains. He spins that Catherine doesn't have "an ego" and Genevieve does, so he knew Catherine was mature enough to handle it. They jog off together. "I think she bought it," Keebler Tom tells us. Hm. I might have underestimated that moon-walking fool, after all. Commercials.
Here we go. Second dates. Shannon and Rossi are on a boat. Shannon tells us that Rossi makes her laugh, and is like John. He does a crappy Scottish accent trying to do a pirate accent. Tool. He tells us that things might progress into romance with Shannon. Sure, open your wallet. The sail of the boat reads, "Shannon." I don't know why. He tells us that he told her to forget about John. They swim.
John and Nayla. They do a rainforest tour. John tells us that he thinks they're both attracted to each other. Nayla camera-talks that she's used to guys being gentlemen. John isn't. She starts lecturing him that he should offer his hand to a lady when there is a big step.
Butterfly park. Edmundo says he picked Tiffani-with-an-I (maybe because she has a stripper name and he obviously likes that in a girlfriend?) because she has different "experiences" than Catherine. By way of explanation, he says, "Tiffani is very educated." Ooooooh, dis. Poor Catherine. Tiffani is cute as they look at butterflies. They look at one that mimics an owl. Tiffani tells us that she's being real with Edmundo, and she thinks Catherine is never real. Yikes.
Jeff and Catherine. Horse riding on the beach. She tells us that Jeff is great to talk to (read: bitch about Edmundo to). He tells us that there is something very "deep" about Catherine, as we see her fake titties stretching the limits of Lyrca. Ha. Nice. He says that she's even more pretty on the inside than she is on the outside. I'll leave that one alone. "I gotta know more," he says. No, you don't.
Tommy and Kishi at a waterfall. Tommy picked Kishi because she has an inner and outer beauty. She tells us that there is chemistry. He doesn't want to be anywhere else. How romantic. How much of a lie.
Ali and Nikkole go to a wildlife refuge. They watch a worker feed a baby monkey. Ali tells us that, at first, he thought Nikkole was kinda gnarly-looking, but as he gets to know her, he finds that she has an "exotic look" to her. Hee.
Genevieve and Keebler Tom are snorkling. They like each other. Genevieve says they had a great time "being funny together." He is the opposite of Tony, and that's why she likes him. Yikes.
Sad, stunted Tony rip-cords with Linda. She puts down her cigarettes long enough to slide down the cord. Tony camera-talks that it was nice to have some attention focused on him for a change. Poor Tony. Linda says that she's outgoing. Tony thinks they got closer. She camera-talks that Tony needs to be more of a "man" and "step up to the plate." Lord. She goes on that he has a good personality and a lot to give, but "it doesn't come out the right way." Goddamn. Ouch. Yikes. Yow. Oof.
Night. Candles. Jeff says that his date with Catherine fizzled. They eat. She tells us that he's playing the good guy, but really isn't.
Edmundo and Tiffani. He's Tiffani's dream guy, and she thinks Edmundo is settling for Catherine. As they eat dinner, she says, "You can feed me one of your nuts, if you'd like." She wins. She wins. Game over. Edmundo thinks she has herself together and is "more into emotions" and his goals and what he wants out of life. Huh? He wants to give her a hug, he says.
Keebler Tom says, "Did you know I have two cats?" Genevieve says no. He says, "That's because you haven't asked one thing about me!" He tells us that Genevieve is different than he thought. She reveals to him that she was "fixed" -- she had her tubes tied. Ew. She explains that she has no regrets and then babbles. She's very odd. Keebler Tom asks for the check.
Linda is probing very carefully with sad Tony; he says that before Genevieve, he always thought he'd have a "model" family and have two and a half kids and drive a mini-van. She camera-talks that she thinks the kids thing bothers him. He's afraid of being alone, she thinks. He says that there are a lot of things you can do to decide your fate, but that more often important things are decided for you. Oh, no. No! Tony, you need to get out. Now. Commercials.
Guys' side. Night. Post-dates. Edmundo says that they got back from their dates to a full-on party. The girls are all dancing and everyone is having fun and drinking. Tommy started dancing and "kicking it," he says. Hugging and dancing. Someone talks about "living in the moment." Hillary is on Edmundo, and we see Tiffani talking to some other girl ho about how ever since they got back from their date, Hillary has been riding Edmundo's jock like Willie Shoemaker. She's upset. Now he's sitting and Hillary is, indeed, hanging all the fuck over him. She camera-talks that she luvs Edmundo, and when he's across the room she wonders what he's thinking. As Edmundo speaks, she holds his face and puts her Laura Dern smile inches from his at all times. She licks his neck as she tells us that she's there to comfort him, and that she knows what he's "going through." Ho ho ho ho ho. Now Edmundo tells us that he thinks Hillary is cool, but that if she could bring her playfulness "up to a woman level" and be more mature, she would be "out of this world." Harsh.
Now Pink comes over to Edmundo and hangs on him and Hillary is mad. She gets all Glenn Close as she tells another girl ho that she's pissed. Pink is just staring at Hillary, laughing, and pinching Edmundo's nipples. Now Hillary is sitting away from them, alone, fake smiling. Edmundo says it was innocent and he doesn't want to narrow it down to one girl. Hillary is all crying. Hillary walks away as she lie-overs that everyone was getting all "flirty and kissy" and she just wanted to get away. Man, go make sure your rabbit isn't in a pot, Edmundo. Now alone on the beach, Hillary camera-talks that Tommy told her Edmundo liked her, but she's not "impressed" with Edmundo kissing everyone. She walks off.
Pool. Tiffani is dissing Hillary, for getting upset, to another girl ho. Pink kisses Edmundo, then lapdances him. Tony watches. Tommy gets a lapdance from some girl ho. Tommy spouts this piece of wisdom to us: "Everyone needs some lapdances, if you ask me." Ha. Girl hos watch. Nikkole and Catherine are going to be pissed, say the girl hos. The boy-riding continues with the kissing as well. Edmundo voice-overs that he and Catherine made a pact to look up at the moon when they were feeling lonely, but that night he forgot about the moon. Yeah, you did. Kissing. Kissing. Moon! Commercials.
Morning. "Day 7." Edmundo wakes up to a note from Pink, saying that "it's all good" and "no regrets." He thinks it's funny and that she "connected" with him on a different level and she could "bring out" something in him. Yeah, I know what she can bring out. Poor Hillary. Oh yeah, and poor Catherine. There are levels within levels of jealousy here. It's very confusing.
Night again. Ah, it's bonfire. Mark L. Walberg calls Tony "Tone." Hee. The guys sit. Mark L. Walberg explains that at this bonfire, the guys will have the choices. The tapes this week will be a "Secret Admirer" tape for each temptee. Lord. Basically, it'll be the boy hos revealing their crushes on the girl temptees, and girl hos revealing their crushes on the boy temptees. (I'll bet they had to force someone to do one for Tony.) If they choose to see their girlfriend's admirer, then the girls will get to see those tapes, and also get to see the boy's secret admirer. What are we, seven? Anyway, it's Tony's turn first. He wants to see the tape. Mark L. Walberg wants to be part of it, but he can't, and has to return to his side of the bonfire as Tony and Co. watch the tape. It's Ali calling Genevieve "G-funk" and saying that they're both outgoing and he's "banking" on the fact that they'll get to go on a fun date later. Tony shows a tiny bit of cojones as he makes a reference to Ali being short. He calls Ali a "character," and lies that he's glad Genevieve is "being herself." Whatever. Mark L. Walberg asks whether anyone else has a "burning urge." I think Edmundo probably has a sort of a burning after last night.
Tommy says that he doesn't want to watch, but he will. The Music On Non-Drama plays as Mark L. Walberg tries to stretch out the decision. Tommy watches. The boy ho is "Tommy." I don't know who that is. He says that he's attracted to Nikkole and hopes they get to hang. Our Tommy is upset. He tells Mark L. Walberg that he's a little concerned.
Edmundo. He wants to watch. He think it'll be difficult to hear a guy's "words" when he already always sees eyes on Catherine. He hits Play. It's Keebler Tom! He says he's done "searching out" the group of women, and he knows Catherine is the one. He thinks they share a lot of "philosophies" which are a key to a "lifelong relationship" which is what he's looking for. He says her smile is killing him and he wants to pursue a "relationship," but won't put her in an uncomfortable spot. Over. Edmundo is shaken. John says, "He's a magician with words." Hee. Yes, Keebler Tom just worked some verbal spinnage worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet. He should be Cyrano feeding words to other lovers -- that's just how good he is. But I guess among this illiterate group, those really are powerful words. Edmundo tells Mark L. Walberg that he himself feels about Catherine everything Keebler Tom said; he's going to have to let it go.
John doesn't want to watch. It would drive him up the wall, and he's already feeling stirred anyway. Mark L. Walberg is angry. And lonely. And sad and scared, too. He then gives the guys the chance to make a thirty-second video message to their girlfriends. Tony does. Edmundo is not sure. Tommy says no, so she can "think clearly" on what she's doing. John would "love to." Edmundo will. Bonfire is over. As they walk away, Edmundo says he had a feeling about Keebler Tom. He saw through the bullshit on the tape, and he hopes Catherine does, too. Lord. Now Tony is gushing on that Keebler Tom went out with Genevieve and obviously it didn't go well so he moved to Catherine. John camera-talks that Keebler Tom is "a player," but a "well-spoken, intelligent player." It's so funny how scared and mystified these guys are by Keebler Tom's supposed power. We close with Keebler Tom's tape, the verbal magic continuing to overwhelm.
Bonfire. Ladies. The ladies hate Mark L. Walberg, as does with the rest of America. "Prettier every time I see you," he says. Not one girl responds or even cracks a smile. Mark L. Walberg pushes down the sorrow and explains that the guys made the choice and the crush tapes and etc. The girls try to follow. Catherine catches on. Shannon laughs. Nikkole is first. She has to watch. Genevieve's snake eyes scare me. It's Kristen S., I think. She tells Tommy she likes him and thinks he's cool and special and sexy and handsome. It's very underwhelming. "White eyeshadow girl," they call her. Mark L. Walberg asks Nikkole whether she's worried. "No," she says. "If he goes for that, he goes for that." There is a long pause, and then Mark L. Walberg says, "Good," and moves on. Ha. (I think Kristen was the one lapdancing Tommy last night, and we see a quick shot of it, but who can really tell?)
Genevieve. She's shocked Tony wanted to see the tape. "Who picked Tony?" asks Genevieve, along with the rest of the world. She watches the tape. It's the Tori Spelling "older" blonde. She says she likes Tony the most and they'll see where it goes. "She's a bright girl," jokes Genevieve. Hee. "She was saying all the good things I like about Tony." Huh. Maybe she's not kidding, as she says that she's glad someone is looking out for him. Shannon says that the tape was cute. "Is it cute?" asks Mark L. Walberg. They say it was. He gives the most toolish smile I've ever seen. I so wish I could paste it here. Man. He moves on. We get a quick shot of Donna (the Tori girl) and Tony dancing.
Catherine is happy she gets to watch. It's Tiffani. She loves Edmundo and says they had a good date and she loved the massage and he got wild last night and she holds no judgment and she wants to spend "a lot" more time with him. Catherine is sad. "It was sweet," Catherine lies. "It sounds like he's having a good time. I'm happy for him." Her lip quivers. Oh. Poor Catherine. Lord.
Shannon thinks if John went first he wouldn't choose to watch. If he went last, he would. She's wrong. He went last, and didn't want to watch. She's happy, she lies, saying that John doesn't want to hurt her. She's wrong again, because John was protecting his own fragile girly feelings. Mark L. Walberg hints that he can't tell Shannon of John's reasoning, and she tells him he doesn't have to -- she knows. No, she doesn't. Shannon's smile crumbles.
Mark L. Walberg -- angry and sad by now, as he is after every interaction he has with women -- gives the girls the opportunity to make the videos for their guys. Shannon will. Catherine "absolutely" will. "Absolutely," Genevieve concurs. Nikkole nods. Bonfire is over. Mark L. Walberg goes to look for a milkshake. Milkshakes take the pain away in their creamy goodness. Like Mommy.
Catherine camera-talks, crying that she thinks she'd lose it if Edmundo made a "connection." We see Hillary licking Edmundo's neck. Aw.
Hey, there is no show week. Oh, Thanksgiving. Now we're going to have to hang with our families and be thankful and shit instead of watching more hoing. Dammit.
In two weeks...the couples get to vote off an opposite-sex ho. The ladies clash, Nikkole wanting to keep someone the others want to boot. She's mad. Meanwhile, the men continue to pursue the girls. Edmundo says there are some "hotties," and refers to them as "talent." Hm. "Meanwhile," says the Dramatic Deep Voice -- making it sound like we're watching Roots or The Day After as opposed to this slutfest -- Keebler Tom gets Catherine away from Rossi for the third date. They put mud on each other. Keebler Tom tells us that Rossi should focus on Shannon. Rossi says that he bets on himself for getting Catherine. Meanwhile, Edmundo gives in to Hillary. He tells us he has a "connection" with her. Now they're in bed and she's spreading her legs and sucking his finger. They make out. He tells us he didn't think that, in ten days, that kind of "emotion" could evolve. Someone told these morons the wrong damn definition of "emotion" and "connection" somewhere along the lines.