Fox wastes no time launching Temptation Island 2 in these troubled days for reality television; this is the third offering of the show in the past two days. Immersion is sometimes a good thing when it's as full of bitches and hos and skin and jealousy as TI2. Sometimes it's a very good thing indeed.
Another promo. Horses. Mark L. Walberg is the first to welcome the couples. Genevieve the snaky bitch wants to see if the grass is really greener away from poor fey Tony. Shannon is worried. Nikkole deftly predicts that she and Tommy are either going to stay together or break up. Fucking Jimmy the Greek here. Horses frolic. And...here come the hos! Slut montage. Slut montage. Catherine trusts Edmundo. Hos. The girls realize that they've banished all the nice girls and left the "prostitutes." That line still cracks me up. Catherine cries about some titty kissing. Slut montage. Slut montage. "I don't want to be here." Kissing. Staring at the videos. Kissing. Kissing. Shaking. Crying. TI2!
Intro. Jesus. Plane. Plane. Mark L. Walberg talks about four couples and relationships and we see the four couples again and being single to test devotion and answer the "ultimate" question. We get clips of last night with the kids being sent to opposite sides of the island and kissing and Mark L. Walberg can't find his light and the Hos Wide Shut scene and the Ho Intros and date montages and the least compatible hos being sent home and Caneel is booted from last night and an old native guy plays the drums and Mark L. Walberg keeps blabbing and confronting emotions at bonfire and more date montage and Exotic Final Date and then they'll be reunited and the "fate of their relationships" and Mark L. Walberg tools down the beach as he does the "who will stay together?" thing and the camera flies up in the air as our sad host stretches out his one arm in capitulation and longing and welcomes us.
Credit sequence. Skin. Volcanoes. Skin. Logo!
Day 3. Ladies' side. Nikkole doesn't have second thoughts about coming on the show, and says that if there is someone here who interests her, she'll worry about the consequences later...the bravado quickly oozing away as she thinks about Tommy getting busy.
Pool. Mark L. Walberg emerges in front of the hos and the couples to false cheers. He begins to explain that they're going to pick their first dates, and Shannon is laughing and looking elsewhere and Mark L. Walberg, in order to get her attention, does a Scooby noise and asks -- knowing she hates him and isn't even paying him attention, just like the pretty pretty girls at school growing up -- whether she's with him, and she lies that she is and he forces the pain back down and continues. The couples will pick shells with ho names on them; in other words, they will pick their first dates by chance, not by choice. Mark L. Walberg just can't let it go, though, and he reprimands the couples not to have contact during these pool meetings -- not even eye contact -- and they're all "fuck off" and he continues as Genevieve laughs at him. The boys like that the dates will be random.
John picks first. Shannon says, "I think the question is, 'Am I ready?'" Okay. John picks Anna-Maria, of my little rhyme from last night. Shannon laughs, and I've come to realize that her little laugh is pure nervousness, not the derision it seems. But it's a good cover. I've also come to like the three ladies (Snake Woman not included), by the way. I don't quite know why I do, though. So Anna-Maria comes over and stands behind John as he camera-talks what I just said -- that Shannon laughs when she's nervous. I'm smart.
Tony picks. Ho montage. Donna is picked. She's the one I called Butterface, but took it back. As she ambles over, Genevieve camera-talks that Donna is one of the "older" blondes -- revising it to "more mature-looking," and then says that she's not worried at all. Dis.
Edmundo picks. It's Hillary of the awkward horse-riding intro. He hugs her as Catherine then camera-talks that "it sucked" when Edmundo hugged Hillary, and that Catherine had to remind herself why she's there. Uh, why is she there? Hillary hates sex, by the way. I just have a feeling.
Tommy. He picks Kristen S. He kisses her as she comes over. Nikkole looks away.
Shannon's turn. John hopes it's Rossi, for some reason. Rossi of the cowboy schtick. It's Kaine, the big, blonde Iceman motherfucker. John isn't so happy about that. John goes camera-talking, dissing that Kaine said he was an "aspiring lawyer," which makes him laugh, and he doesn't think Shannon is going to dig him. Does he have money? Then she will.
Genevieve. She picks Kevin. The boys decide he's "different." I'm not sure what that means.
Catherine picks Oscar. Little flavor-saver guy. Catherine tells us she doesn't know him, but thinks he's a sweetie. Oscar camera-talks that he and Catherine have been making eye contact, and he thinks there is chemistry there. Catherine presses her fake boobies against Oscar.
Nikkole's turn. It's big, tall Jeff. Mark L. Walberg calls him "Eager" based on the way he comes over. I call Mark L. Walberg "Sweaty" based on the way he's always...you know, sweaty.
Mark L. Walberg tells the kids that they now have to vote off one ho of each gender, but he says it's going to work differently this time. Dramatic music! Non-sequential edits of the kids looking "perplexed" and "upset." There's Omar of the abs. And there's Pink, who Genevieve dissed hard last night. Mark L. Walberg goes on to say that instead, they'll have to send home one of the four hos picked for dates. Gasps! Edits! Mark L. Walberg says there's a "date sabotage" going on, since two of the potential romances are to be doomed, and the couples will decide. More gasps! Commercials.
Ads for herpes and 24. Perfect.
Island Prettiness. A bird. Date Sabotage time. The guys will get to send home one of the four guys based on which new "couple" they think they should cut off now. The guys talk, babbling little snippets of conversation until they decide. Tommy whispers to Mark L. Walberg. Tommy hands the Necklace of Buh Bye to little Oscar. He's sad. "Sexy Mex is bye-bye," laughs John. Jigga-what? Mark L. Walberg asks Edmundo whether it was his choice, since his chick was about to go out with him, but he says no; he then camera-talks that he wanted Catherine to go get some Oscar, but the other guys wanted to boot him. I doubt that. Now John tells us that Oscar spoke Spanish and was laid back and they were worried for Edmundo. Now Oscar camera-talks that he threw some "Latin flavor into the mix," and Edmundo was threatened. He disses Edmundo and leaves.
The ladies' turn. They huddle and talk about the girl ho who's paired with Edmundo and trust their instincts and John thinks he knows and Catherine says something and Genevieve goes up because she loves to be mean to people and Shannon already says, "It was a hard choice" because she can't be mean to anyone and Genevieve gives the Necklace of Buh Bye to Anna-Maria and John says that someone should pay him fifty bucks, but no one bet you, douchebag. Shannon apologizes, then camera-talks that she wanted to boot horse girl, but the others were more worried about Anna-Maria. Now Anna-Maria camera-talks that she thinks Shannon has booted everyone John likes, and feels threatened because she's more easygoing and Caneel too and bye!
So now John doesn't get to date, but he's going to spend the day with the other girl hos. Same with Catherine and the boy hos. The boy hos cheer. They're thinking, "Ninesome. Cool." The "couples" walk away for their dates. Kaine and Shannon say that they're both sweaty. Catherine says that she's shocked and wondering what's in store for her. Um, Mark L. Walberg just told you, stupid.
First dates! Tommy and Kristen S. On a boat in the Bay of Whales. They steer the boat. She camera-talks that if something happens, it happens. Now they're talking about his relationship, and Tommy is wondering whether he's right, and of course Kristen S. is agreeing that for Nikkole to pressure him into marriage is wrong and stupid. Tommy never gets to talk around Nikkole because she shuts him up all the time, so he's happy about this. And because you can see Kristen's titties. Meanwhile, Jeff and Nikkole ride motorcycles in the dirt, and Jeff says that she's cool and "hangs with the guys." Jeff would like to be with someone like her. Now they swim at a waterfall. Jeff is a good listener and is sensitive, Nikkole says. Uh, right. Now they eat; Jeff says that this is the kind of spot in which he'd propose to his future wife. Translation: "See, I'm sensitive and romantic. Please give me a blowjob."
Tony's date with Donna. He camera-talks that he's looking for someone he can dominate. Now they're on an island and Tony jokes, "Where's Gilligan at?" Oh, man. Now a monkey. Now Donna tells us that she likes to be more passive and to be taken care of, and they're walking alone the beach and Tony says she's easy to get along with and he wasn't nervous and that's their whole stupid date.
Genevieve and Kevin. They're surfing. Genevieve tells us that Kevin is too much like Tony and not outrageous and passive and that defeats the purpose of why she's here. I've never seen a snake look that good in a bikini. Not in a while, at least. Kevin tells us that Genevieve is energetic and fun and easygoing. And then he says, "No, not easygoing. Scratch that." Hee. Genevieve says that she needs to go out with someone else. She bails in the surf as we go to commercials.
Now Catherine. She is carried by the eight boy hos. She camera-talks that they all treated her like a princess, and that's all she wants from Edmundo and now it's just her sitting on the edge of the pool talking about her relationship to the eight guys in the pool. Soon they're all going to do their hair and nails together.
Edmundo and Hillary. They ride horses; he calls her a beach bunny and Hillary camera-talks how much she likes Edmundo and he says he likes that she teases him and Catherine won't do that. I'll tease you: your shirt is stupid-looking and you're short. There.
Shannon's date. It's her and Kaine. They're on a beach somewhere. She says that Kaine is different from John because he's graduated from college and has ambition. Dis. Kaine, as we see them jump from a waterfall, tells us that he's more charismatic than John. Hee.
Meanwhile, John sleeps. The girls bitch that John thinks he's such hot stuff that he slept and they couldn't even tempt him out of bed. Finally he gets up.
Shannon and Kaine. Kaine really likes her, he says. Now she camera-talks about having gotten divorced, but she doesn't want to talk about it on the show. So now John tells the girl hos that Shannon met a guy when she was nineteen or twenty and then dated him for three years and was married to him for eight years and then got divorced. So. In other words, John just outed his girlfriend as being a lot older than she claimed to be on the show. Ha. That's why she didn't want to bring it up on the show. He goes on to say that the couple would party, and one night Shannon was sick and went to sleep and when she woke up her husband was fucking her friend to her. Well, that's not a nice thing to do.
Tommy and Kristen S. He tells us that when he put his arm around Kristen S., it felt right, and that he hasn't felt that way since the early stages of his relationship with Nikkole (uh, yeah, that's why it's called a crush and not a relationship, stupid-ass) and now they're on a boat at night drinking wine and Kristen's ho-talking to Tommy about how sexy he is and he agrees.
Jeff and Nikkole eat and she bitches that Tommy doesn't want to get married. Shitty date.
Edmundo and Hillary eat and drink wine. Hillary camera-talks that she came here just to have fun, but she thinks she's met someone she could really like. Suddenly it's night and Hillary jokes that they should get a blanket and roll around in the sand. She gives a creepy Laura Dern laugh.
Catherine. The boy hos do card tricks for her. So Yee Haw Rossi camera-talks that Catherine needs someone to treat her right and that's what he does. Catherine eats up the attention. And the card tricks!
So back to John. He drinks with the girl hos and babbles and the girl he's blocked from dating tells us that she thinks he's more than just an arrogant guy and they share a slo-mo secret smile and commercials.
"Day 4." Island Prettiness. Monkeys. Lady side. They hang with the boy hos and walk to waterfalls. Nikkole is having fun. Catherine is having fun. Catherine is digging Rossi and weird Keebler Tom and they're all swimming and playing and she's worried about how much fun she's having. We learn that Keebler Tom gave Catherine a "sweet" note and he explains that he wrote how much fun he had with her and if her relationship doesn't have everything she wants that he'd love to "help her through this." Oh, man. Now Catherine is telling us that she thinks you can have what you want in a relationship if you don't put up with less, and what she wants is in "that letter" and now Nikkole explains to us that Catherine wants Edmundo to love her like she loves him but if he doesn't "treat [her] like a queen from day one" he's not going to later. Catherine deludes herself and says she hopes "this" will make Edmundo appreciate her more. Uh, no.
Mark L. Walberg finds the girls and yells at them that when they hear drums, they need to drop what they're doing and get ready for bonfire and they need to go get their stuff and get ready. It's daytime, though. So, really, bonfire is not for a while. The girls nod, thinly veiling their hatred of all that is Mark L. Walberg and go get ready.
The moon. Bonfire area. The ladies walk and find Mark L. Walberg already there. Always waiting for girls to arrive. Always. His whole life. He tells the ladies that bonfire is about choices and they can have information about what's happening on the other side of the island and he says they can choose to watch videotapes of the dates if they want and also they'll hear opinions from the girl hos the guys dated and Shannon laughs nervously and Mark L. Walberg explains that the girls' choice now will dictate whether the guys get to see the tapes. Shannon stares. She's purty. Commercials.
Bonfire. Shannon. She wants to see the tape because her imagination could go wild if she doesn't. She's nervous. Mark L. Walberg gives her the machine. The hot black girl ho predicts that if John and Linda (that's her name) got the block off, they would date because they already really like each other. Shannon is already laughing. Now Linda says that she thinks Shannon is insecure and materialistic and she doesn't see a future between Shannon and John. Shannon laughs a lot and the tape ends and the girls ask what she said and Shannon laughs and the girls can't wait and Shannon laughs and explains that she wasn't very nice and then repeats what Linda said. She's upset. Mark L. Walberg asks what happened. Shannon is being soooo nice because she says she doesn't blame Linda and she says she knew girls were going to dig John in this situation and she's too smart to think she can change John so now this is just about whether he's going to cheat on her and Mark L. Walberg asks whether he has and she says no but that she's fearful that "men do."
Nikkole is . She watches. The girls gather around. Kristen S. says that Nikkole is too uptight and she made a mistake with the marriage pressure and Tommy needs space and we see Tommy and Kristen hosing each other off on the boat and Shannon is already laughing and it's not even her guy and the tape ends. Nikkole is tearing up. The girls want to know what happened. She says it's nothing she didn't know, but it's hard to hear it from someone else; she thinks Kristen S. is right that they're not connecting and it's hard to realize that after so many years and she's sad and Mark L. Walberg apologizes.
Genevieve. She says that she's ready for the criticism. Donna. She says that Tony needs a more passive girl and Genevieve doesn't need a guy to rely on and guys need to feel that way and Genevieve laughs and the tape ends. She couldn't care less. She laughs again. Mark L. Walberg says that he never knows what Genevieve is thinking and she snakes that Donna is right and that she really doesn't need Tony. Ouch.
Catherine's turn. She's nervous. Mark L. Walberg jokes that he's nervous, too. Tool. Hillary says that Edmundo is amazing and meanwhile Nikkole whispers that they should have kicked Hillary off and now Hillary mentions that when Edmundo kissed her it was nice and she thinks something could happen and Catherine is shocked and the tape ends and she cries. The girls want to know what Hillary said. Mark L. Walberg smiles, watching the tears. Catherine cries, "He's amazing. I love him. I just want him to want me as much as I want him." Oh, now that's sad alla sudden. Damn them. Mark L. Walberg says that because the girls chose to see the tapes, the guys are going to see tapes of the girls' dates and he tells the girls to leave. They walk away, Catherine still talking about this kiss and saying she doesn't want to hear that they had a connection. "I want her off," she says as they disappear into the wilds to get eaten by monkeys. Commercials.
Guy bonfire. Mark L. Walberg babbles about the tapes and the rules and first up is Tony. He has to watch the tape. Kevin talks and says that he doesn't think Tony has spark and passion and wears the pants in the relationship and thatGenevieve is looking for someone who can stand up to her more and it's over. John says something to the effect that "that's jealousy right there." Mark L. Walberg asks about the pants thing and says that Tony is passive and Genevieve wants him not to be and maybe that's something to look at. Fuck off.
Tommy has to watch the tape. He tells the guys to gather around. Jeff hands Nikkole flowers and tells us that she's a quality girl and wants more from Tommy and he bets that they're going to break up and that she's going to be single and there's a quick kiss. Tommy shakes and growls, upset. He explains to Mark L. Walberg that Nikkole must have told Kevin this shit.
John's turn. Iceman Kaine disses John only wanting to be a bartender without aspiring to more, saying that bothers Shannon and she's not happy. Over. John is upset. He says that Kaine is wrong and that he's not happy as a bartender and wants to be more and Mark L. Walberg asks whether it makes John upset and John says it does, "a little bit," because he's unsure as to the extent of Shannon's unhappiness. Well, take the extent of your poorness. Then double that.
Edmundo's turn. Mark L. Walberg wishes him luck. Catherine with the guys. Rossi is yelling what an incredible body Catherine has and that she has the "whole package from pedicure to manicure." Huh? The whole fake package. Anyway, he continues that he doesn't know what she's doing with "this dude" and there is no chance of them lasting and Edmundo can't even handle her. He's just doing schtick, but it's still annoying. Hee -- when they show Catherine in a bikini, Tony looks away from the screen. Ha. Rossi continues the dissing. The tape is over. Edmundo says that Rossi is confused and that Edmundo's upset and that he'd like to kick Rossi's ass, but he'll laugh it off because he knows who he is inside and out "and it feels good." Not that he addresses what could be making Catherine unhappy. Nooooo. He just knows who he is and that it feels good. Well, isn't that special. Mark L. Walberg tools that later tonight and tomorrow the tapes might come back to haunt them and then that's it. They walk. Edmundo walks away saying that he guarantees Rossi wouldn't have said that shit to his face. Commercials.
week. The girls lose their inhibitions, we are told. Partying. Partying. Drinking. Swimming. Skin. The guys "venture into forbidden territory" on the other side. Partying. Kissing. Edmundo kisses Pink, it seems, and Hillary is upset. He says that he wants the "full experience." Hillary is "not impressed" with him kissing everyone. Oh, poor Hillary, getting jealous of someone who's not even hers. Tommy tells us that there was laughing and crying and there's some controversy with Tommy that "spills late into the night" and he's making out with Kristen S. Tommy says that his emotions are "all over the board." Yeah, from horny to horny.
And on future episodes: Kissing. Tommy thinks Nikkole wouldn't like any of the boy hos, but she does. Catherine thinks Edmundo looked stupid. Shannon thinks someone is going to break up with her boyfriend. Something makes Nikkole's stomach turn. Shannon cries. (Notice there's no Genevieve. Because she doesn't give a shit about Tony.) John wants to "nail" someone. Edmundo says, "L-I-V-I-N. This is livin'." Oh, lord.
And that's it! week I predict there'll be more hoing. Let's see if I'm right. Bye!