You guys ready for what they're affectionately calling TI2? You're not sure, eh? Well, just ask yourself, are you ready for crying and sex and skin and desperation? And that's just from the recapper. Come along. I swear it won't be nearly as painful as some (The $treet) shows (Road Rules) we could (Chains of Love) mention. But of course, we won't. C'mon. The hos are waiting.
Chicago. A naked guy shaves and kisses his girlfriend. They've been together three years. They are the "Latino" (with big quotes around it) couple. Catherine and Edmundo. They met at an adventure race. He raced. She volunteered. So that's how girls are meeting guys these days. Man, when I did the March of Dimes Walk-a-thon when I was eleven, I didn't get any. What a rip-off. Catherine packs apple slices and warns Edmundo that "women are bad, baby." He says he fell in love with Catherine in only three days, so he's scared it could happen again. Suddenly, she's not so smiley.
Phoenix. The blonde Shannon and tall flavor-saver-sporting John have been together ten months. Solid relationship there. She folds clothes as she says that women will adore John. He says she'd dig a guy who looks "just like [him]" -- and he goes on to say he's funny and works out -- but who has money. She would enjoy not having to work. Shannon laughs her way into the room, saying that she's not motivated by money, but she's practical and knows that "money makes the world go 'round." She thinks she's in a Mamet play, this one. Her skin is a little gnarly but she's cute. He's very mole-y and tall. And poor, I guess.
Ferndale, Wherever, Michigan. Tony and Genevieve jump on a trampoline. Tony is obviously gay. (I'm kidding...sorta.) They've been together nearly five years. She looks like a snake. He looks like a boy who's been so whipped there are pussy-shaped marks all over his back. She says that she doesn't want to get married because that's an institution, and she doesn't want to be "institutionalized." I guess she does comedy up there in the hotbed of Ferndale. Tony goes on to say that she needs a passive partner and he likes to do that and then she makes him flick his tongue at the camera while she bares her fangs and cackles at how well she has him trained. Trouble, this one. Hate her already. She tells him to keep the tongue put away. Heel, boy.
Back to Chicago. A black dude and a pretty mixed/unidentifiable-raced girl. Tommy and Nikkole. They've been together "pretty much" for three and a half years. They have a little pit bull who sits between them. Their relationship is at a standstill. Outside, the dog jumps halfway up a tree. Inside, Tommy says that he pays half the bills, and Nikkole starts freaking and he says she spent all her money shopping. Then they kiss. "See, we're not that dysfunctional," Tommy says. "Yeah, we are," she replies. Trouble, once again. The both of them.
Limo. Driving. Plane montage. Mark L. Walberg tool-overs about testing the relationship and "mutual consent" to explore and girl hos and boy hos and island paradise and, "Have I found the one, or is someone better out there?" Now Mark L. Walberg slithers down the beach, doing his whole "Who will stay together? Who will be torn apart?" thing as he ends with "Here on Temptation Island!" and the camera pans fast and up leaving him with just his one arm spread out this year, having realized that the two arms opened him up to the world, exhibiting the neediness that has consumed him since he was a lonely little boy revealed to a world that has not, in fact, embraced him and told him he was worthwhile and good and talented and attractive, but rather paid all the attention to Mandy and Billy and Shannon and the like, and he's not going to make that mistake again. So just the one arm. So the people who can really see his twin attributes of need and worthiness will find him and seek him out and give him the validation he so desperately needs. "Hold me," his one outstretched arm says. "Finally, tell me I'm okay." "No," replies the world once again. "You're not."
Opening. Skin. A monkey. A hot chick. Dolphins. Water. Fish. A watch. A guy standing on horseback. A naked male torso. Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Volcano. Graphic!
Waves. Beach. Island Prettiness. The little plane lands on the little runway. The four couples. Mark L. Walberg waits. "Puntarenas Peninsula." The plane almost runs over Mark L. Walberg. He greets the four couples. Catherine tells us that she's a performer (stripper) who does musical theatre (stripper) and it takes her all across the country (stripper) and the distance (the fact that she's a stripper) has been a big problem in their relationship. Mark L. Walberg points out horses to all of the couples, and they start riding down the beach as Edmundo talks about how many fish there are in the sea (girls who aren't strippers) and maybe it's going to be good to see who's out there. Girls, not fish, we're talking, in case you're not hip to the lingo of muy macho men like me and Edmundo.
The couples ride. Mark L. Walberg falls off the horse and it tramples him to death. Naw, just a wish. The Music Of Enya And Sting And Everything Wrong With Music plays as they get My Pretty Pony on us. Shannon voice-overs that she didn't mean to fall in love with John, but it happened, and now we see them and she says he's a bartender and has no ambition and if she gets sick (needs a new CD player, a new purse, shoes, nice dinner, a bigger house), she needs someone who can pay her bills. (Her Retin-A bills.) She thinks this will be a great time to make sure John's the one. John retorts that he wants to find the person he'll love forever while he's broke. "Good luck," say Shannon's lying eyes.
Mark L. Walberg does this awesome thing where he rides up to the camera and stops the horse all Clint Eastwood with a sneer. Genevieve is babbling about poor Tony and how they never argue and she needs drama and she's bored. Poor Tony. She wants to find out whether she's nitpicking or if the grass is greener. Mark L. Walberg tries to get their attention as he welcomes them to Temptation Island. Terrible Blue Lagoon harp music plays as we get an Island Prettiness montage and the editing doofuses show frolicking horses and then Catherine "watching" them and then kissing horses. Puke. It's like a Tony Robbins infomercial. They keep riding. The music keeps sucking.
They all arrive at a hut. Mark L. Walberg babbles about their adventure and risks and toasts them with champagne. Nikkole then says that she gave Tommy an ultimatum to marry her, and he acted indifferent, and she's worried. In the hut, they toast. Back to the Nikkole and Tommy segment. Tommy goes on this rant to the effect that he could be with Nikkole forever and have kids and not get married, but she says that's a cop-out; he tries to say that he respects her opinion, and she cuts him off. Trouble, those two. Once again, I'll say it.
More crap music. It's dark. Mark L. Walberg leads the eight onto a boat. Catherine camera-talks about how there was a feeling in the air and Edmundo babbles about their time coming to an end and all the couples are looking cuddly and nervous as the boat floats on. Close up on Shannon's face. Commercials.
Back. Big hut. The eight are put in seats as Mark L. Walberg stands in front of them in a little pool of light, except his shoes are lit and he's not. Find your light, dumb shit. I know high-school freshman actors who can find their light better. He babbles that maybe they're afraid and they're all quiet and "How much do you trust your instincts?" What? He leaves. The mics stay on, as do the cameras, and Catherine does the whole "You never put your arm around me" thing and Edmundo does, and then complains, and they giggle-argue. Waiting. Waiting. Smiling, Tony says something to Genevieve, who totally ignores him, about being able to feel the ocean. Oh, Tony. He stops smiling, all sad. Tommy is telling Nikkole that she got her wish and she wanted this and drama and it's her idea and he obviously doesn't want to do this. She rolls her eyes. "You just...constant conflict with you," she says. Shannon is just staring at John, wondering whether he'll ever get a real job.
Suddenly, chanting Cirque Du Soleil music plays as the boy and girl hos walk out in creepy lines wearing blue monk robes with hoods all Eyes Wide Shut. It's really hysterically cheesy. It's gone beyond cheese, all the way back to milk again. The couples are aghast. They don't show much of their reaction since I'm sure they're just howling with laughter. The music continues all Laurie Anderson on us and the hos do this synchronized head turn and they're in shadow and finally Mark L. Walberg tools down the middle like he's Colonel Kurtz. "It all begins...now." The hos all take off their robes in sync and there is this laughing in the soundtrack to be all creepy and the hos all stare at the couples trying to be sexy and man, if one of my friends was up there I would never let him or her live this down. The couples try not to laugh. Tony stares at the guys, licking his lips.
Mark L. Walberg tools on to the effect that standing in front of them are the hos, and "this is a first impression" and "maybe the wheels are turning a bit" and tomorrow they'll start to get to know them better and then he says that the couples will spend the night apart from their partners but they'll all have breakfast tomorrow. Tommy, having dug the girl hos and bit too hard, pats Nikkole's knee over and over as we go to commercials.
"Tango Mar." It's where the girls will stay with the boy hos. Morning. Catherine wakes up. A monkey. Then Catherine again. She's tired and didn't sleep much, but is thankful to be here and not stripping as she usually would be by this time.
"Tambor Tropical." The guys' side with the girl hos. John says that it hurts his self-esteem to know there are these thirteen guys Shannon might like more that she likes him, and who might be more successful than he is, but that he's going to play it cool. It must suck to look like Tommy Lee, as John does, and then not have the monster cock, as well. Now Edmundo says he's scared. They all get on boats. Trees. Pool area. Mark L. Walberg and the couples arrive, and the hos are already lined up and they cheer and one girl ho "raises the roof" and I swear that fucking roof done got raised for good four years ago. Mark L. Walberg stands there, pretending the cheering is for him. He says that everyone looks so good and that in a moment they'll all introduce themselves and that the couples should pay attention because they'll have to make decisions. They start. (Shit, this is the worst part. Twenty-six hos to meet. You'd think that would be a good thing.)
Guy. Brian. Twenty-four. Mortgage Consultant. He says that he has size fourteen shoes, "So ladies, you do the math." The girls cheer. That's my shoe size, too. Maybe Brian could loan me some. They're a bitch to find. is Kristen S. She's twenty-four and a Clinical Nurse. She has pigtails and blandly says she can take care of everyone. Kevin is twenty-five. He "hangs out" in Hawaii and he's a Windsurfer. (For the record, I bet every single one of these people is about four years older than they claim.) Amanda is twenty-two. She's a closet designer and looks like Pink with a cock. Tommy is thirty-three and he's a NYC firefighter. "I hope he's still alive," says my friend. Oh, my god. Yeah, no shit. Eduardo is not threatened by the short Tommy. "That dude can stay. He's got no skills." Caneel is a odd-faced but hot twenty-three-year-old Model/Banker from L.A. She says she likes to party "like a rock star!" The girls hate her. Jeff is twenty-four, from Atlanta. He's in Pharmaceutical Sales (drug dealer). He talks like he has marbles in his mouth. Katie is twenty-three from L.A. and is a Waitress/Student. She seems to be the nicest and smartest of all the girl hos. She says, "My best qualities are not on the outside." No one knows what to do with the lack of skank on her. Kaine (hee) is a blonde twenty-two-year-old Law Student/Bartender. He wants to cross-examine all the girls. Nayla is a twenty-seven-year-old Teacher from L.A. Tony, twenty-six, is a P.E. teacher for an elementary school. Basically, he gets high and then plays kickball with children all day long. Sounds fucking awesome, actually. The girls lurve him. Donna. Twenty-six. Butterface. (No, I'm kidding. She's fine.) Wedding Boutique Co-Owner. Like Bungee-jumping. Sorta Tori Spelling, if you know what I mean.
is Juleby. twenty-five. Venture Capitalist from Berkeley. He's mealy but he's from my hometown, so I like him now. Edmundo caps on him, saying his name is "Doobie." "Be nice," says Nikkole. "Spell your name right," says Stee. Kishi is . Twenty-eight. Account Manager. Cute black chick. She likes to dance, so "get ready to work it." "Go girl," says Shannon, trying to show she's down, though she's so not. is a big black dude with zero body fat and scary abs. Omar is twenty-five. Youth Counselor. He has magical hands. Genevieve the snake likes him. The guys all hate him. Hilary. Twenty-four. Receptionist. She says she likes riding horses and does this lame ass-slapping thing with her fake titties and she's so awkward and sad, you just want to hug her. Then fuck her, sure, but then hug her again. Shannon says, "She's off." Oscar. Twenty-seven. Little guy. Economist. They don't bother to play us applause after him. We'll never hear from him again. is Meredith. Twenty-six. Litigation Specialist. Ali. Twenty-five. Investment Banker. Middle-Eastern-looking. He says something about being a basketball player and does a hoops pose and I must have seriously missed something because everyone claps and cheers really hard and Tony says, "You have to give him something on that one." I don't know. Tony is still laughing. Someone explain it to me.
Shannon looks at this girl and says, "Oh." It's Tiffani. Twenty-five. Graduate Student. Black. Massive boobies. Getting a PhD soon. Edmundo yells, "Bring it! Bring it!" Catherine shoots him the stink eye. Thomas is twenty-nine. Crazy gay-looking. Marketing Executive. He looks like a Keebler Elf. He says he likes rainbows and unicorns and he loves to moonwalk, and then he does. Genevieve the snake laughs. Actually, everyone does. I don't understand. Kristen G. is . She's thirty, a rock and roll drummer. "Yeah!" says Tony. Ruben is twenty-six. Kickboxer. Huge. He's about good living and fun-loving. The ladies love him. Guys, not so much. is Linda. Twenty-five. She's a Production Blah Bloo. She's dull. up is a guy in a cowboy hat getting all hick chic on us. "This guy is trapped in a cowboy fantasy," jokes Edmundo. It's Rossi. He's from Arkansas. A waiter. Probably at a theme restaurant from the faux-Southern cheese he grates to the world. He jokes that he's a bodybuilder, cuz, like, he's obviously not. He fake flexes. Mark L. Walberg laughs his fucking balls off. Anna Maria is twenty-five. (I made a rhyme up for her. Ready? Anna Maria. Nice to see ya. She was twenty-five in nineteen-ninety three-ah. Thank you.) She's an Event Producer and she "gets paid to party." Yeah, so do whores.
Man, that took a long time. Mark L. Walberg babbles. Each side has to cut a person -- the person who makes them the most nervous. He keeps babbling. The girls huddle. They talk about Katie and how she's classy and Shannon is not worried about the classy people, obviously. Just the hos. That's the other twelve. More huddling. Capping. Dissing. They discuss the horse-riding girl. Not the horse-face one. They decide. They whisper to Mark L. Walberg in slo-mo. Commercials.
Mark L. Walberg goes to the girl hos, telling them that one will go home, but that she should look on it as a compliment. He stalks around. He asks girls their names. There are two Kristens. He talks to Pink. Then Caneel. As he talks to Caneel, Shannon is laughing derisively. Caneel forgets where she lives. Now she's booted. "Take it as a compliment!" yells Shannon, actually feeling bad. Caneel can't believe it; she's gone. Genevieve waves, not feeling bad at all. "Sorry!" yells Shannon. Caneel walks off. Mark L. Walberg asks why they booted Caneel. Shannon says she was hot, pretty, and seemed nice. Man, Mark L. Walberg is sweating his ass off. Give the host a towel or something, he's disgusting the hos.
The guys. Their turn. Mark L. Walberg babbles. They have a minute. They tell Mark L. Walberg that they don't want to cut anyone -- that they want to give them all a "crack." The boy hos love it. The ladies frown. Mark L. Walberg repeats what they said. "Bring it on," says Edmundo. Mark L. Walberg, the rules being turned on him, tries to recover. He says some actual nonsense, stuttering, and finally leading up to saying that the one guy they don't cut may actually steal their girlfriends and that they shouldn't be so cocky and finally, that they have to cut someone. The guys chat. Mark L. Walberg jokes, "Ladies, are they always this indecisive?" The girls say yes. Catherine says there are "four strong women" up there. Okay. The guys decide and whisper into Mark L. Walberg's needy ear.
Mark L. Walberg flirts with the line of boy hos. First with the southern guy, then with Tony. Then Brian with the big feet. He steps forwards. "Aw!" the girls all say. The boy hos mob Big Brian. "He was really nice," says Nikkole, sad. Brian is gone. Now each couple-person has to give a color-coded necklace to one of the hos, to block their respective lovers from that ho. Ho-Blockin' Time! Commercials.
We're back. Shannon is first to block a ho. I think Shannon has fake boobs. But I live in Hollywood, so I tend to kinda think that of everyone. Even some guys. Shannon walks to the girls and reminds them to take it as a compliment and says they're all pretty and skinny and finally gives it to the bland Linda, apologetically. Now Linda camera-talks, telling us that she thinks Shannon is jealous and she repeats that Shannon told her she was pretty. Uh, bitch. It's John's turn. It's Tony, the kickball teacher. Shannon is upset 'cause she dug him. She woulda got over it when she found out how little he made. John says that Tony seems like a genuine person and Tony nods, agreeing that yes, he is indeed genuine. Hee.
Nikkole's turn. The boys guess the nurse. She gives it to Katie, the one with the stuff on the inside. Tommy is surprised and happy cuz he didn't like her. He has no use for realness. "It's just not my flavor," he camera-talks. Now Tommy. He struts over in his orange t-shirt and goes down the row saying, "What's up?" and shaking hands with all the guys. Mark L. Walberg loves it. "A little love for all the guys." Toooooool. He ends with Rossi the cowboy, and gives it to him. Rossi has nothing to say. Nikkole says that she doesn't care because there are twelve other guys and she'll be just fine.
Catherine. She whispers to the girls that they're all beautiful. It's Katie again. "Damn," says Edmundo. Mark L. Walberg loves that the girls are sweet to each other. Because he's a pussy. Then Katie sorta ruins the whole thing by camera-talking that she thinks Catherine is "funny," and Katie's wearing a big diamond necklace and she mocks how Catherine sits and points her toes and smiles her big white smile and says, "Oh honey, you're gorgeous. I'm sorry to do this" And then Katie mock-laughs like Catherine. Man, the bitch is back. Edmundo's turn. He takes his time, finally giving it to Juleby, who says he prefers to be called "Big Jules." Everyone mocks him, and Edmundo tells Catherine that he did her a favor: "Check out the face on that guy." Catherine replies, "I know." Ow, man. Dis. They go on about something to the effect that Catherine actually did him a favor, too, with Katie, but I don't understand, so we'll just move on.
Genevieve slithers across to the girl hos. She says she's going to take a different approach to it; she's going to pick the one she thinks Tony would be least attracted to, because otherwise it would defeat the purpose of the game, and she gives the necklace to Pink. (Amanda.) Pink is pissed off. Genevieve repeats her rationale to the confused Shannon as Pink and Katie look on from across the pool, both angry now. Then Genevieve camera-talks, again, saying that she came here for answers, so why block the girls who could help that happen? (She wants to break up with him, obviously.) At the pool, Genevieve backpedals and says that Pink is a hard-core girl, and Tony is more conservative. (Translation: he likes cock.) Pink camera-talks that she was speechless because she got dogged on national TV. Now Tony camera-talks some lame shit about thinking Genevieve was trying to get him to do the same thing, but she can't always control him, so he picks Kaine. "Sometimes I can be the boss, too," Tony lies to the camera. Tony caps on Kaine. Genevieve bitches that he went with the one blonde. Tony says he picked the one most different physically from him. (Uh, maybe you should have picked the big straight black dude, then.) Mark L. Walberg doesn't understand, and thinks Tony is doing "reverse psychology," but Tony, in turn, doesn't understand Mark L. Walberg, and they just drop it. The couples leave as the remaining twenty-four hos clap. The couples walk on dissing Pink as we go to commercials. Again.
Night. Walking. Walking. Slo-mo walking. Dinner. Mark L. Walberg says that they look nice and that they look very happy, but they wouldn't be here if they were all happy couples. He asks them what's on their minds. Shannon says she's nervous because John is a likable guy. John, whose shirt is open for some reason, says Shannon has to talk to everyone and Edmundo, who just met her, adds that she has to also be nice to everyone. They all babble about her being too nice and something about her saying hi to everyone when she runs on the beach and she says, "Oh, barf." Hee. That's fucking funny. I haven't heard that since third grade. John is mad that she calls everyone "honey" and "sweetie," and then Catherine and Edmundo say something to each other I don't understand, and neither does Tommy, because he changes the subject and says that he doesn't think the girl hos are "up to the challenge" of seducing them while he's worried about the boy hos because he knows how guys are. Mark L. Walberg agrees that guys are motivated more by sex. Genevieve toooooottally disses her man by saying, "Not Tony." Everyone feels bad for Tony, who just sits there and takes it. "Tony seems a little sensitive," says Shannon. (I'm totally going to write a children's book about a young gay boy, and that's going to be the title.) Tommy moves it along, repeating what he said. Shannon thinks that the girl hos are up to the challenge. Mark L. Walberg then tries to turn it on Genevieve and wonder what she would do if some other girl dug him; she says that won't happen because she knows she's a catch, and if she loses him, then he wasn't the guy she thought he was. Mark L. Walberg tries to voodoo her out of her coolness with a stare. It doesn't work.
Mark L. Walberg babbles something to the effect that they're going to part and what if it was forever and then he leaves to go pee and to leave them time to think about what he just said. I don't even understand what he just said. Catherine is crying already. Slo-mo eating. Talking. Drinking. Kissing. Catherine is scared. Mark L. Walberg comes back. He says it's goodbye for three weeks and they have ten minutes and he wouldn't leave anything unsaid. He leaves again. Man, that Mark L. Walberg sure has a weak bladder.
Now they're all in a chill room. The couples canoodle. Catherine is scared. Shannon thinks that John will have fun, but doesn't want to think further than that. Tommy starts to talk, but Nikkole says, "You don't have to make a speech." Tony hugs Genevieve, saying that he hates to let her go to "figure this out." Genevieve is already almost out the door. Tommy is complaining that Genevieve is always cutting him off. Shannon is telling John that he going to make the girls laugh and cry and will break their hearts. Nikkole and Tommy fight, and when Mark L. Walberg comes back, Tommy says, "Thank God." The couples kiss. Then the boy boat leaves. The girls sadly watch from the dock. Commercials.
Tomorrow-night previews. The first dates. "Passions erupt." Talking. Boating. Horses. Dates. Dates. First bonfire. Someone kissed someone. The hos make predictions. "And on future episodes..." Talking. Shaking. Crying. "I'm totally alone." Crying. "I don't want to be here anymore." Bonfire. Bonfire. Kissing. Kissing. Kissing. It's over.
Well, yeah. I still love this show. And, by the way, I know why people like it: Because unlike some other reality shows, the notion of "The Grass is Greener" is universal and everyone deals with it. Not everyone is locked in a house with twenty people and cameras everywhere. Oh yeah, and because there are lots of titties everywhere.
Okay. Kick ass. Tomorrow!