Hey kids. This is it. This is the final one. The final show. The final Temptation Island. I'm so goddamn excited. Well, okay yes, right now I'm watching The Andy Dick Show instead, but I don't really think I actually need to be watching Temptation Island to recap Temptation Island. Seriously. Let's go.
Okay. So the show opens with Island Prettiness. And then we get a recap of what happened on the last show. And then…ha, look at Andy Dick. He's funny. Shit. Okay, I guess I have to be watching the show. Feh. Okay.
Island Prettiness. "Day 13. The Final Morning." The Pan Flute of My Twitchy Calf Muscle plays as we come upon Alison and Kaya's little cave "tented environment" on the morning after. We see Kaya and Alison spooning, asleep. Alison tells us that her favorite part of the dream date was being in the cave with Kaya. Yes, I'm sure many people have enjoyed going to the "cave" with Kaya. She says that they were "alone" for twelve hours -- well, alone except for the cameraman, the boom operator, and cave guide. They talk and break bread over some candles. Then they hike some more, Alison telling us that Kaya can even look "sexy with mud all over his white pants." We see Kaya with mud all over the butt of his pants. It looks like something not so sexy. He "whoo!"s. Kaya then tells us that the date was "wild" and that Alison's not afraid to do anything and that she has all the "intangible" qualities that he's looking for in someone. We see them cuddling over some rocks; she says that this was not the typical second date and then they mumble something about feeling good and sleeping over. Or they're comparing hair secrets. I really can't make it out. I guess maybe they don't have that boom operator with them after all.
Valerie and Dano's Worst Date In The World. They eat a painfully silent breakfast. She looks a little glum so I wonder briefly if she's taken her ninety-seven vitamins for the day. How is it that the rest of us can get by on maybe a multi-vitamin and have happy lives, and yet she requires the entire pill section at Rite-Aid just to get through her morning? Dano, still wearing the same shirt, tries desperately to make small talk. Either it really is a credit to him, or it shows a lack of character that he's even willing to be in the same room with Valerie, let alone trying to connect with her. I'm really not sure which one yet. She tells us lamely that Dano has been great considering that she's simply been waiting to be reunited with Kaya. She says something to Dano about having butterflies about Bonfire. Man. You know, maybe they cut most everything out, but would it fucking kill her to, if not be fun, then to at least ask Dano a few questions about his life or apologize for being such a shit date? I mean, at the very least a quick blowjob or something. They continue to talk about Bonfire, Dano wondering if she's going to have to see the six hos there as well as her fellow Temptees. She hopes not.
Island Prettiness. Music I could have made on my Casio in the fourth grade plays as Shannon and Tom look out over the water from their balcony. Man, it really is beautiful where they are. Tom says how much he'll remember the view and then tells us what "absolute heaven" it is. Shannon then long-and-pointlesses to us that she's picked and chosen her whole life whom to be intimate with and bare her soul to…but that at some point during the night she was going to go to bed, but then Tom looked at her and she didn't go to bed, and they ended up staying up all night talking. They cuddle on the balcony. She says they had great conversation and that it was the best part of her experience on the show. Tom then babbles to us something about how at some point in the night he began to feel an element of fate at work with his having met Shannon. They sit in a swimming pool. Shannon then continues that she experienced lust and "got to play with love" with Tom. Aw. That totally means they didn't do it. Damn.
Ants carry leaves along the ground. Andy and Elizbeth. Other shitty date. They eat breakfast and Andy asks Elizabeth if, now that the camera is rolling, he's sitting with Elizabeth One or Two. Looking like she's done trying to be nice, she says that she's not an actress, but a "real estate person." Real Estate person. Yeah man, I tell you, she'd be the first one I'd look to if I wanted to sell my condo. She tells us that even if Andy did not have a girlfriend, she doesn't think she'd like him. Andy, finally asking a good question and making a very smart point, asks Elizabeth whether she thinks the mere fact that he came on this show, having a girlfriend, made the girl hos not like him on principle. She agrees, saying that it made him less attractive to her. Well, that and the obviously developing skin cancer. Elizabeth goes on to tell us that Shannon and Andy have a unique relationship and that while they're "on the same page," she's in a different book altogether. It's a pretty good line.
Ew. Vanessa and Billy. Vanessa tells us, proudly(?), that in the morning she "needed" a hug and so she just hugged Billy "so hard." She demonstrates. Billy brushes his teeth. She prats on that she and Billy made the type of connection that most people aren't able to make ever. Ha. Man, she's dumber 'an a chicken with Mad Cow Disease. Billy says that they made a conscious decision not to talk about the coming end of the show but to just have a good time. They take a plane back to the island, looking like they are having anything but a good time.
Jon and Mandy. They fly also, Mandy telling us that Jon will "always be in [her] head." Yeah, then that would make a total of two of her body parts he's been inside. She says she's very happy that she's not leaving the trip with any regrets. She rubs his thigh, practically giving him a hand-job as the plane lands.
Boat. Alison and Kaya arrive back on the island. Island Prettiness while "dramatic" music plays. They head into what I guess is her hut. They hug in the dark and say how "wild" the trip was. They begin making out. As they kiss, she tells us coyly that she likes Kaya a lot and wishes he didn't have a girlfriend. Well, he doesn't, does he? Oh, yeah. Valerie. Right. The love of his life.
"Women's Resort." The girls eat, looking miserable. Mandy holds a knife and says, in her scarycalm voice, "There's a weirdness in the air, isn't there?" Shannon says that she's shaking, and Mandy says that she never expected to feel this way in the end.
Now the men. In one of the totally pointless slo-mo shots, the guys sit down out on the beach with Mark L. Walberg. The guys look down. Mark L. Walberg, trying to regain some sense of authority at long last, doesn't say hello but rather just launches into his speech about how tonight is the bonfire during which they'll have a chance to see their partners and "speak what's in [their] hearts" and blah blah blah it's-nearly-over-for-you-mark cakes. He also, with all the audacity in the world, wants them to announce their decision to their partner about the future of their relationship. Um, how about, "Gee honey, relationships are very complicated and I don't know the future but I've learned a few things here and I missed you and I just hope we continue to try to love each other and see what happens." I guess announcing their futures is some sort of requirement for being on the show, but I just think the whole premise is false and trivializes things. Anyway. Kaya nods. Mark L. Walberg warns them to be prepared to hear something they might not want to hear. Naturally we slamcut to Billy, who has now officially joined the Crips with his constant blue bandana. He looks worried. Isn't he tired of the hand-wringing? Seriously. How much worrying can one dude do? Mark L. Walberg ends his little speech with the dramatic and poetic, "Collect your thoughts before tonight, because the journey ends tonight." Mark L. Walberg says to himself, "That's the best you can do? Loser. Mama was right, you are a loser! I suck. I suck so hard. I wonder if DIC will take me back as a Production Assistant." We pull out in slo-mo, again for no reason, as Mark L. Walberg goes to do some Secret Cuttings.
The girls. They walk up stairs to a hut in slo-mo as Mark L. Walberg ushers them in. The Ghostly Flutes of Fox's Impending Return to Dismal Wednesday Ratings call out a lonely plea to the Nielsen Gods as Mark L. Walberg sits the girls down. He tools the same bullshit speech, but just words it differently, throwing in triteness about final chapters and sorting your feelings and answering your questions and speaking your heart and the future of your relationship and be prepared. "The journey ends tonight," he repeats, just because he sort of needs the pain. There is a bad dub in there somewhere but I no longer have the patience to try to figure out what he actually says. There's a long shot from behind of Mark L. Walberg walking away and the girls staring off into space. Valerie looks snotty. Mandy licks her lips. Shannon is high. The Seagull of The Coming Belizean Civil War flies off and we go to commercial.
Am I the only one who thinks Renée Zellwhatever looks a whole lot better with her extra Bridget Jones weight? Much better. Ooh, hear that sound? That was Kate Winslet throwing a potted plant at Renée's image on the telly. Durr! (She's v. angry.)
Bonfire. Mark L. Walberg slinks out as the camera descends from the palm trees. Man I wish I had closed-captioning. "As we've said from the beginning, the journey for our couples has been about choices. Choices that they hoped would provide the answers to the questions that lie deep within their hearts. This has been the setting for many of those decisions. Tonight, here, they will make the most important choice: whether they will continue their lives together as couples, or leave Temptation Island alone." Andy oozes out from the trees. He greets Mark L. Walberg, who sounds very pleased to be acknowledged for once. "How are you, Andy?" he fawns. A Kaya-shiny Andy sits down and says that he's nervous. Mark L. Walberg tells him not to be nervous. Good response. Mark L. Walberg is smiling and his little chipmunk cheeks are trying so hard to look authoritative but it just ain't working. "We're down to the wire, man. We are here," says Mark L. Walberg. He then asks a question about how Andy and Shannon came here to sort of be single and see what that's like and did the experience awaken anything…Basically he says, "Talk about your experience" in a long-winded manner. Andy says that it was more challenging than he expected; he thought he'd be able to come here and just "brush off the ladies and kinda cruise through it." Brush off the ladies? Like they'd be crawling on him? Yeah, I guess that whole no-one-picking-you-as-their-favorite thing changed your perspective right quick. Or maybe it didn't. More likely it didn't. Andy goes on to lie about how close he got to Megan and how there was an emotional connection; he says that it was "deep." So deep she had to go make out with Kaya. He justifies that he was upset because Megan was "upside-down" with sadness. Now Mark L. Walberg asks Andy if he was thinking a lot about what Shannon was doing. Andy says sure, and that when they go home they will "disclose absolutely everything." Mark L. Walberg interrupts, "Assuming, of course, you both go back together." Andy wants to say, "Dude, we have an open relationship, you numskull," but instead he allows for that possibility. Mark L. Walberg looks away and remarks that Andy seems pretty confident, and Andy responds that he's "trying to be."
Shannon arrives and she and Mark L. Walberg touch each other lightly on the back as the Tympanis of Mark L. Walberg Career High-Point play. "I can't believe we're here," tools Mark L. Walberg. She says that she's ready and plugs her favorite film of last year by adding, "Bring it on." ["Paging Wing Chun…" -- niki] Mark L. Walberg fawns that he has some questions and asks her what her favorite part of the trip was. She says that it was hanging out with the boy hos; that no matter how sad the ladies were after Bonfire, the guys were always there to provide an ear and a shoulder to cry on…not to mention some gentle cunnilingus if the night was a particularly emotional one.
Mark L. Walberg asks her how she thinks Tom feels about her. She smiles and we see a shot of them hugging. Shannon says that she thinks Tom was surprised to develop feelings for someone on this trip, and that they feel the same way about each other. She goes on that they have an "extraordinary bond." Mark L. Walberg just smiles, waiting for more, but Shannon just smiles right back so Mark L. Walberg makes a gay little exhalation and moves on. He asks if she'll miss Tom, trying to get more from her, and she says that she thinks her and Tom's "story" is an important one to maintain. Mark L. Walberg is stymied by her use of "story" so he just thanks her.
Out comes Andy. He sits by Shannon. Shannon doesn't smile. Neither does Andy. They both look very wary. Mark L. Walberg repeats his shit about how they should speak the music of their heart, and then explain what decision they have come to about the future of their relationblah. "Who wants to go first?" Mark L. Walberg asks. Andy. Shannon. They both smile but don't respond. Commercials.
Hey, if you're planning on seeing the Jennifer Love Hewitt wacky comedy Heartbreakers, you may not read any more of this recap. Please close your browser window now. Thank you.
Island Prettiness. Schmonfire. Mark L. Walberg sits on an upturned log. I hadn't noticed that. He looks very uncomfortable. Good. Music. Music. Drums. Flute. Mark L. Walberg tells Andy that now is his chance to speak what's in his heart. Someone count how many times Mark L. Walberg uses the word "heart" in this episode, okay? Andy chumps that he has good news and bad news. Shannon wants the bad news first. He says that he smooched four girls, but that none of them were real kisses. "Goodnight pecks and fun stuff like that," he says. Shannon looks concerned, but there could be multiple reasons as to why. He goes on that there was one girl he connected with, and that it wasn't Carla. She asks if it was "hammock girl." He says yes. She smiles. He goes on that Megan was "put here to screw with [him]," explaining that she was like a mail-order bride for him. Their relationship grew but it was fairly physically platonic. He says he didn't want to get that close to anyone and so he cut it off; Shannon gives a really exasperated, weird look that I can't read. I'm guessing it's secret surprise that he wasn't doing shit while she was off flirting with "love." Then he laughs that he took Elizabeth on his dream date. She huffs that she knew he would. Andy explains that it, on the other hand, was very physical but not much more. He says that he didn't "go there" with her, but that it was a "crazy" date. He babbles on for a while about how nice the final dates were. He bitches that he went to a "friggin' spa" for his final date. Shannon says that it sounds very different from hers. He goes on, not even acknowledging her. He ends by saying that it's "reinforced" their relationship for him and that he "completely [feels] the same." I have no idea what he's referring to. Either there is a time gap here where she's already spoken, or he's just assuming she still wants him; it's pretty sad. Shannon just stares at him with pity.
Mark L. Walberg pipes up, telling Shannon to talk and then tell Andy what her decision is about them. Shannon begins by saying that she hopes it all comes out right. "I never anticipated what a roller coaster this was going to be on so many levels." Andy actually looks nervous for a second. It's really great to see. Fucker. She says that she felt so confident walking away from him, but then she felt bad when they had to watch the videotapes and she saw Andy rubbing Megan's legs in the hammock. She says her worry went deep and she began to wonder what she would do if he were to hook up with someone. Now this is interesting. She says that it brought her back to a time when they decided to see other people and he did but she didn't; it "wrecked" her. She goes on that she's sure the only other thing he's wondering about is who she went with on her final date; she says it was Tom and he says he knew it would be. Ha. Shannon is mean here as she says very seriously, "What an incredible guy!" Andy huffs, turns his head, and straightens up. Funny shit. She lists off all of his good points, ending by saying, "Believe me, we did connect well, and it was wonderful." Andy asks if Tom fell for Shannon. She replies, "Sort of." She justifies by saying, "You set me free and said 'Go and try something else,' and I did." Ooooh, burn. But then she disappoints the free world by saying, as the music dramatically stops, "Andy, all it did was make me want you." Andy looks up. Smiles. "You, who have had my heart and my soul…" she begins to break up "…since I told you that in your dorm room -- tried to convince you that I was the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with." Andy actually has tears in his eyes. A genuine emotion! Wow! She continues, "Every time I walked into that water, Andy, I could feel your soul around me. It's all I needed." We cut to Mark L. Walberg and he's nearly blubbering too. Hee. It's a very touching but very fucking annoying moment because it's Andy, and from everything he's given us, we do not want him to be happy. Anyway, a teary Andy says that he's done and she agrees. He says that he wants to go home and they laugh and jump into each other's arms and make out. Ew. Mark L. Walberg tries to regain his composure. "I hope that the questions you came to get answered are answered. You're free to go." They surprise Mark L. Walberg by hugging him -- making him the happiest boy on the island -- before heading off together. Mark L. Walberg hitches up his pants, sits down on his log alone, and then spontaneously pretends to wipe away a tear. A voice inside him whispers, "You'll never be worthy of that kind of love, Mark." "I know," Mark L. Walberg whispers back to the voice. "I know." Commercials.
Island Prettiness. Schmonfire. "Mr. Billy," greets Mark L. Walberg. They shake hands. The tension is palpable. That's because Billy cultivates tension like a fucking rock tumbler. "Here we are at the Bonfire again, Billy," tools Mark L. Walberg, chickenheading his neck back and forth. "Lucky me," deadpans Billy. These two. I swear. Couple of boneheads. How far Billy has fallen. Mark L. Walberg asks Billy what the best thing about the "whole Temptation experience" was. We get a floaty image of Vanessa horsefacing the butterfly up and down Billy, killing it and my appetite at the same time. Billy says that it was finding "a real attraction to someone." Mark L. Walberg asks what the most painful aspect is. Billy says, of course, that it is the notion that your significant other is off doing the same thing. Mark L. Walberg butchers his question, asking about the "video-clip aspect of what [Billy'] gone though here." Billy agrees that it was hard, and that he didn't realize it would be so difficult; he has an active imagination and reality often turns out to be easier to deal with than the illicit scenarios he conjures up. Mark L. Walberg then chipmunks that what if he had a videotape right now to show Billy…Billy says no. Mark L. Walberg then asks how much what Mandy has to say is going to affect his "decision." Billy says that in some ways it is "one-hundred percent contingent upon what she has to say." Billy nods over-seriously.
Mandy. She slinks from the trees and lets out a fake-nice and breathy "Hiiii." She surprises Mark L. Walberg by hugging him. "Aw, you have a hug for me," skillfully ad-libs Mark L. Walberg, overwhelmed. Dude, Mandy has a hug for everyone. Mark L. Walberg sits her down and then perches on his log. "What's up?" she asks. They go back and forth. He's still smiling from all the attention and affection; he's very much unused to it. He tells Mandy that he wants to have a few moments with her to talk about her "emotional ride." He asks what the best part of her experience was. She immediately launches into a thing about coming to meet people and miss Billy and "have the absence-makes-the-heart-grow-stronger trick work like magic, cuz it has before, but then [she] realized the best part of [her] trip was last night, because that's when [she] realized [she] learned the most about herself." Okay. I still find it very sad that she had this intense need to get away from Billy and see him mack on other women, but hey, at least she's honest. And she's certainly not afraid to make her hair look fucking scary on national TV, so that's a plus. She says that last night it stopped being a party and started becoming a journey. Mark L. Walberg licks his lips and then agrees with her, saying that was the reason why they came there, because they had some questions that needed answering. He somehow lamely turns his statement into a question, wondering if she found any answers. "You have no idea," Mandy says. He continues that she might hear things she doesn't want to, but mostly, we know, she herself might be saying some shit that Billy ain't gonna wanna hear. She says, "Well, wow. Of course I don't want to hurt Billy. But surprisingly, I've somehow prepared myself to say a few things that I just have to say, some of which I know he's not going to want to hear."
Mark L. Walberg asks what drew her to Jon. "The fact that he's alive and has a cock," she replies. No, instead she says that it is his shyness. She goes on to say that after seeing the tapes, she started to realize that Billy was losing his "reserveness [sic]," which is what Mandy liked about Billy in the first place, and what she took pride in being able to bring him out of. Man, that's wacky. Billy is losing his shyness, and so she hooks up with someone who cannot overshadow her, the way she's afraid Billy might now be able to. Issues, party of Mandy, your table is ready. She goes on to say that she had the "best" time and that she happened to be with the perfect guy in the perfect place. Right, Jon in her vagina. Mark L. Walberg brings up the videotape of Billy doing the striptease and how she was afraid she was looking at the new Billy. She says coldly that she will "support however he ever is [sic]," but that it just might not be with her. Man. "Well said," tools Mark L. Walberg. He thanks her.
Out comes Billy. They sit, not looking at each other. It's weird how they keep doing that. Billy's shadow crosses Mandy's face, as he comes to sit to her, which is kind of a cool lighting effect, if it's purposeful. Billy chews and jaws and rubs his head until he finally looks at her, the most intense look in his arsenal. Dude, lighten up. Seriously. Please. Have an Eskimo Pie or some shit, cuz your ass needs to chill. Mandy kind of looks at him sideways. The Strings of Sucking Every Last Revenue Dollar We Can Out of This Final Episode play as we go once again to commercial.
Moon. Music. Bonfire. Mark L. Walberg says his shit about saying what's in your heart and being honest and concluding with their final decision. He tells Mandy to go first. Ha, it's raining now. Cool. Way to work out your contingency plans, Fox. Your ducks are in a crooked line. Billy looks at her. She looks down. She puts on her "intense" voice, as opposed to her shrill-and-drunk-ho-voice, and talks about how at bonfire she was given the option to look at tapes, and the one that bothered her the most was Billy giving a striptease to a bunch of girl hos. Billy painfully laughs. We see a shot of that night. She says that she doesn't think she's ever been so furious in her "entire life." She says that she was "borderline out-of-control." Borderline? Feels like she's going to loose her mind. Billy keeps on pushing her love over it. She sluts on that when she was able to regroup (read: suck face drunkenly with the boy hos) she realized she was so mad because she thought she was seeing a side of Billy that he'd kept hidden from her. Dude. I don't get this chick. I guess I'm pretty much the only male in North America who hasn't gotten her. She whispers on that the major thing she learned -- the one thing he probably doesn't want to hear (he rubs his head) -- is that she could give herself the "power" to let go of Billy. Mark L. Walberg looks concerned. Billy is livid. She continues, "I had an intimate moment with someone." We see her and Jon kissing. Sadly, Billy probably thinks she's talking about the tape he already saw of her and Johnny and the nipple-licking. She continues, "And though it was nice, and comforting, it wasn't you. It wasn't my boyfriend. I want us to be together for the rest of our lives, and I never want to play this game again." Billy looks upset, as usual. She rubs her mouth. He looks down. He hasn't had his moment and goddamn it he's going to have it.
"Your turn, Billy," says Mark L. Walberg. The music stops. We hear the rain. The rare silence is effective. Let it play out like this without the…yeah, there's the obtrusive music kicking back in as Billy starts to talk. He draws this shit out, man. He gulps, saying that the whole game started with ease, that everything went naturally until…He leaps to saying that he made a "very strong" emotional connection with someone and that she and he have the same views on life. Yeah, right. Man, is Billy playing up this deep bond with an immature nude model for all it's worth. Liar. He lies on, saying, "She gave me her heart, and she gave me this to remember her by." He holds out the necklace Vanessa bought him. Lies! All lies! We saw no connection. Billy, you're an actor, and you're trying so hard here. I understand. I understand what you have to go through with Mandy, but no one is buying it. Mandy, I'm sure, isn't even buying it. Ah, fuck it. It's your night, man. Go to town, boy-o. He says that he learned that he could make emotional attachments to people other than Mandy, but the most important lesson he's taking away from this is that whatever he shared with Vanessa, it was nowhere close to what he's shared with Mandy. "This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do," he hyperbolizes on, "and I never want to do it again. If you'll have me, I promise I'll love you forever." Beat. She hugs him, and starts weeping. They kiss. They hug. The music goes into full-on Terms of Endearment mode. They milk it for a while. She whispers some shit like, "Take me home." We fade to commercial in a high-shot, as she says, "I love you I love you I love you." Aw. Eh. Hmm. Whatever. Good luck, children. Commercials.
Oh look, kids. The cast of Temptation Island is going to be on the TV Guide Awards on Wednesday. Well, I'll be sure to…I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought. What was I talking about?
Fire. Bonfire. Kaya fops out of the trees and sits. He's shiny as ever. Mark L. Walberg says something about being back at another Bonfire, and then stumbles over his words, awkwardly asking Kaya how he's doing at the end of these two weeks. Kaya says that he's doing great, "really, really great." Mark L. Walberg asks him about the "connections" he had. He wonders why Kaya didn't ask Megan out on his final date. Kaya laughs and then replies that he had a great time with Megan but that he didn't feel like he gave Alison a fair shot on their first date, being that it was the first and he was still sort of holding himself back from exploring that side of himself and totally breaking Valerie's heart -- balancing, as we are, on the tenuous assumption that he's straight and he and Valerie are really a couple. Kaya goes on about how hard it would be for anyone at the beginning of this to totally let themselves go. Mark L. Walberg then wonders if maybe, instead, Kaya was fearful that he'd had such a connection with Megan on their date. Kaya shines that, yeah, he had an emotional connection with someone, which developed pretty much over a day. He feels strange to say that he also felt a similar bond to Alison the very day -- that the same feeling repeated itself the very day. The Persistent Drum of Assertive Heterosexuality beats as Mark L. Walberg wonders if the fact that Kaya was able to feel that way about two different girls so quickly says something about his true feelings for Valerie. Man, Mark L. Walberg is trying hard not to have yet another happy reunion. He wants someone besides boring-ass Taheed and Yahtzee to break up. Kaya smiles greasily. He says yes, maybe, and then deflects the question, saying that they were both amazing girls and they were two of the greatest days he's had in his whole life. The drummer breaks both of his instruments, he's been beating so fucking hard on them. The segment ends.
Valerie vitamins out of the trees and greets Mark L. Walberg warily. How am I suddenly sicker of her than I am of Kaya? Mark L. Walberg asks Valerie how she is and she whines, "I'm alright," not bothering to reciprocate the question, let alone give him a hug. She just looks very unpleasant. Mark L. Walberg asks Valerie what the best part of the experience was for her, and she replies that it was "everything [she] learned about [herself]." She mentions seeing Kaya going on that first date, and she suddenly had all these visions in her head when really all Kaya was doing was standing there with Alison; Alison, the doctor with the crazy body and nice personality. Yeah, why would she be worried? She continues to fixate on that one image, even mentioning again Alison's hair blowing in the wind, and she concludes by saying that it really hurt her. Even Mark L. Walberg has had enough of her, so he jumps to the part where he tells her to think about what she wants to say to Kaya and also to prepare herself to hear something from Kaya that she may not want to hear. Wait, that sounds familiar. Oh, yeah. That's right. That's because he's said the same bullshit six times now. Right. A producer in a coconut tree motions furiously for Mark L. Walberg to stretch, so he clumsily asks Valerie if she's thought about that and what she is afraid that Kaya might say. Valerie says, "My fear would be, that…not that Kaya did something but how he feels afterward. I realize, which is really what's important. Because, maybe he didn't feel like doing anything; maybe he did feel like doing something. But if he did do something and he feels complete regret and that he made a mistake, I could live with that. But my worst fear is that he would have done something and decided that he feels he shouldn't be in a relationship right now." Mark L. Walberg wakes up from his brief nap and tells Valerie, "I can understand that." He thanks her. She doesn't respond.
The Xylophones of The Cash Cow Coming to a Close play as Kaya hitches his pants up, thanks the Best Boy, and heads out to sit to his "girlfriend." Valerie looks very upset, barely looking at Kaya. Kaya doesn't look at her at all. Mark L. Walberg: Speak. Heart. Honest. Conclude. Decision. Future. Relationship. The both just stare at Mark L. Walberg. Commercial break #46.
Schmonfire. Mark L. Walberg slouches on his log and asks Kaya and Valerie who wants to go first. No one says shit. Like an unanswered school teacher, Mark L. Walberg tells Valerie to go first. Valerie begins by saying that she thought she knew what she wanted in a man, and that after spending all this time with the boy hos, she honed that even further -- some of these "things" being the same, and some of them new. "The first experience that I had that really shook me…" Oh god, she's talking about seeing Kaya on that first date. She says that she waved to Kaya and she thought he saw her and he didn't respond and that really hurt her and Boo the fuck Hoo. Kaya shines on, crazy diamond. Valerie continues that the experience really shook her, and that later one of the other ladies told Valerie that she'd seen Kaya and Alison before and after their date and how different their body language was afterwards and how much more intimate. Man, whoever told her…who are we kidding? Mandy is such a bitch for telling Valerie that.
Valerie bitches on that she thought that maybe something had happened on the date and that in the past she might have gone and done something with a boy ho in order to protect herself, but she chose not to. She cries. Kaya shines. Mark L. Walberg smirks. Valerie continues by saying that it wasn't a "waste" to come here, but rather a challenge she's glad she took. She just peters out and…wait, no. She's not done. She busts out a piece of paper like she just won a Tony. (Well, even though Valerie has since revealed her desire to maybe become an actress, I can pretty much guarantee you she'll never be in that position.) She reads her speech extremely flatly. "You and I both know in my past relationships I sometimes acted on temptation…" (work it in one more time, girl) "Obviously, I must have found something exhilarating about acting on them. But now…" She begins to cry. Kaya looks down. Mark L. Walberg tries not to laugh. "…I derive my inspiration from my relationship with you and not from acting on those temptations." Uh, she had to write that down? Man, that was some deep and highly poetical shit right there. She looks to Kaya who has no reaction but to shine a little brighter. She hangs her head in shame. Mark L. Walberg nods sagely to Kaya to bring it on home. Valerie adds that obviously her conclusion is that Kaya is the one she wants to be with. Kaya rubs his head, realizing with a sudden white-hot shock that she really has no idea what he really is. "Oh my God, what have I gotten myself into?"
Kaya's turn. No one says anything. Kaya mumbles. He starts by saying that he did not see her on his first date, that he can't see long distances without his glasses and that she knows that. She nods, thinking how smart Kaya was to throw that in there, and she "Yes, ands…" like a good acting partner…I mean, "girlfriend." Kaya continues that they came into this in order to experience as much as they could, thus learning more about themselves and growing and becoming better people and thus having more to offer...and more shit that I just tune out. During this, Valerie does a take to the camera. It's some funny shit. Kaya shines that what happened here to him, more than to anyone, was a wild ride. (I know, his sentence makes little sense either.) He babbles on about how he opened himself up to all his fears. He begins to list the physical stuff he did, leaving out, "kissing a female." He then says that he took emotional chances, too. "Whatever I did, I feel good. I can honestly tell you I have no regrets over a single thing I did here." He blathers on that he set out to know "the girls" on a deeper level, if the connection was there. Kaya says that there were "two connections…with girls." Hee. He takes this huge pause between "connections" and "with girls." That's funny shit. Moreover, the phraseology these kids keep using is so funny -- as if it would even work in the real world. "Honey, yes, I made emotional connections with two strippers in Vegas…we shared an intimate moment together." Now comes the bullshit. (Okay, back to assuming Kaya is on the level here…) Kaya justifies his ass off: "It's so hard to be alone and to be making the most difficult choices and the most complex choices. Because every time I had to make a choice I made the most difficult choice and I made the most complex choice because I knew that would be my way of growing and that would be my way of learning about myself and becoming who I am and learning about my individuality."
So after that intense monologue of bullshit, Kaya says that despite it all, Valerie "never left." She's always there on his mind and she makes him who he is and she makes him a better man. He thanks her for giving him the opportunity to come to the island and play with the grips and the sound department guys…because now he's going to be a better man for her. He says that he's "here" more than he ever has been before, and that he loves her and she's his choice. Lord. The guitar / vocal duo of We Get It and Anyway Who Gives A Crap plays as Valerie whimpers and hugs Kaya for dear life, knowing that if a gay man who wants to live a lie wouldn't have her, probably no one would. The two leave without acknowledging our host. Alone, Mark L. Walberg slouches on his log and mentally runs down his list of ex-girlfriends he hasn't stalked in a while, wondering which one is most likely to be impressed by his newfound "fame."
Valerie and Kaya walk off in slo-mo. Graphic: "Upon their return to Miami, Kaya and Valerie locked themselves in their condo for 7 days and 'reconnected.' They have since moved to L.A. and are very much in love." Now a shot of Mandy and Billy hugging at Bonfire. Graphic: "In February, Billy moved to L.A. to pursue a career in entertainment." Of course he did. "Mandy stayed in Atlanta." Right, to do her "music." "They have a passionate long-distance relationship." Great. Now I have to think about Billy and Mandy having phone sex. Thanks a lot, Fox. Another graphic: "10 minutes after leaving final Bonfire, Andy asked Shannon to marry him." Shot of those two. "She said…fuck no, you slimy little turnip." No, of course, "…Yes! No date has been set." Then we go to black and get a photo of a couple: "Dedicated in Memory of Buddy and Kay Smith." Oh. That's not so much fun anymore.
Well. What a downer. All the couples stayed together -- at least according to the show. We didn't see any hot beach sex, and no one pushed Mark L. Walberg into the bonfire. Hm. Well, we'll look for that on Temptation Island II. See you then.