Hey kids. Enjoy your week off? This was to be the last show, but Fox has decided to stretch these last two shows into three. Thus, prepare for a lot of filler. Maybe we'll even get some insight into Mark L. Walberg's world or an explanation for the random dogs we keep seeing. After all it is Temptation Island y'all. Anything can happen.
"Previously on Temptation Island"…Random shots of the fourth dates as Mark L. Walberg blah-overs that the news that not-picked-for-final-dates hos would be sent home "rocked" the island. More random shots of the kids looking shocked. Shannon hammers home the fact that she's "shocked" that everyone else is being sent home. In a bravado display of hyperbole not heard since Don King's last press conference, Mark L. Walberg calls the aftermath of the announcement an "emotional frenzy," saying that Billy was pushed over the edge by the painful possibility of the third date with girl ho Vanessa. Yes, let's all feel bad for Billy that he might have to go out with a nude model. Yeah, even if she does have a horse-face. Billy and Kaya walk along the beach; Billy yells at the cameraman to leave him alone and that this is not about the show but about his life. Uh, someone missed the point of reality shows, and I'm not talking about the producers of Big Brother. Billy says that he would hate it if he got busy with Vanessa but Mandy didn't smooch anyone. That's really not a big worry there, pal. We then get some footage of the guys picking their girl ho final dates. Billy gives in to his "connection with Vanessa." Yeah, his dick -- her mouth. That's the connection. Kaya doesn't take out Megan, but rather Alison, therefore freeing Megan to be picked by Andy. Andy instead picks Elizabeth, telling us that Elizabeth touches him more on a physical level than Megan. (Read: he's getting petty revenge on her for smooching Kaya.) Megan is forced to leave the island along with my sad girl Britt and the other rejected girl hos. Megan cries to us. We closed the week, about to see the ladies' final date selection.
…And that's what we see. "Women's Resort. Day 11." The Music of My Tennis Elbow plays as we get some Island Prettiness. More Island Prettiness giving way to the Island Ugliness that is Mark L. Walberg. Mark L. Walberg stretches the show by once again bad-dub-asking the girls if they'll agree to what Mandy wants -- to take out a boy she didn't specifically go out with but rather one she hung out with on the Triple Date. Fake Drama. Fake Tension. The girls say yes, obviously not giving a shit. Mandy's hair is still in the Modified Ten Buns of Ugly, and really, it might be the most hideous hairstyle I've seen since some of Patti Labelle's. The boy hos lumber out onto the beach as Mark L. Walberg hands the ladies bouquets for them to give to their guys. Mark L. Walberg has the four guys who Shannon dated step forward: Charlie, Tom, Matt, and Dano. Mark L. Walberg asks her to make her choice. We see brief shots of her with the dates. I think that since Mandy is eligible to date the other guys on the Triple Date, so are they. Why do I even care? Yeah, I don't know either. So the bikini-clad Shannon gets up and heads to the guys in slo-mo. They drag the fucker out with shots of the other ladies, even though we all know what's coming, and it does. Shannon hands the Bouquet of Possible Sex to Tom, the Ivy League and liked-by-everyone guy with the bad rapping. They hug. The other guys clap. Shannon presses her breasts and pelvis into Tom. He grabs her head awkwardly, and voice-overs that he hopes by the hug he gave her, he showed how happy he was to have the opportunity to bloy blang bleh. Who cares? Just fuck her already and let her realize there is a big bad world out there aside from Pansy Handsy Andy. Shannon tells us that she thinks Tom is different from who she thought they'd put on the show and that they really connect. What's with everyone and the connecting this week?
So Tom stands behind Shannon as Valerie's four boy hos step forward. Mark L. Walberg tells Dano to step back since he didn't really date her, although then he says the Triple Date is "in play," so I guess she can date Dano. I really don't care. Dano just always reminds me of "Dino" the dinosaur, which is funny. It's also funny how hot to stay on the island Dano is, all trying to cheat and shit. Valerie's guys are Jon, Matt, Evan, Dano, and Charlie. That's five. Okay, whatever. We see shots again of their dates and then Charlie giving a look like, "Dude, I'm so going home tonight." Music. Music. Drama. Mark L. Walberg tells her to get up and pick. Slo-mo. Slo-mo. Valerie tells us that the decision was hard and that she was going to pick Jon, but -- and then she says something that makes no sense -- she knew the end was coming so she had to go with Dano. Mandy and Shannon laugh in slo-mo after she chooses. Mockingly, I dare say. As Dano, surprised, walks to stand behind Valerie, she tells us that Dano is upbeat, and therefore, hopefully he would be able to keep her mind off the upcoming confrontation with Kaya and what comes in their relationship.
is Mandy. Mark L. Walberg reminds us that one of Mandy's four dates, Keith, is now off the island. She laughs derisively at his memory. Well, at least she has one. I can't member Keith to save my life. So the three guys step forward: Jon, Johnny, Matt, and then Tom by Triple Date. Mandy gets up again in slo-mo. She walks to Charlie who isn't even a candidate. Slo-mo. Valerie looks down, embarrassed by almost everything Mandy does. Mandy stops, then leaps to the side. She gives the flowers to Jon, walking right by Johnny and making him briefly think he was getting some. As Mandy hands over the flowers, Johnny looks to the heavens in sad defeat. Jon hugs Mandy, lifting her off the ground, as she tells us that she loves his shyness, which eventually proved to be genuine, and that he got over it. The shyness intrigues her, and she's dying to know more, she says. She also wants to know why he puts "knots in [her] stomach." Jon tells us, then, that he's stunned, but that while he didn't really spend as much time with Mandy as some of the other boy hos, he thinks they have a good bond. Mandy laughs and looks down, wondering just how big the tall boy's dick is. We fade to commercials.
Ah. Boot Camp comes to replace this show in March. Hm, from hot naked pretty people to the kind of sweaty people you can see pumping gas at your local Mobil station any time you want, screaming at each other and running around in Army gear. Sounds like a serious downgrade.
"Remote Beach 5 Miles South of Singles' Resorts," says the graphics, for those of us not only charting the show temporally, but also geographically. Ah, it's Yahtzee and Taheed's Miserable-Relationship Hideaway. How quaint. They walk along the beach, both saying, "Hey, remember back a few days ago when we didn't have to see each other and we got to make out with hot single people? That was cool." Well, they should be happy anyway -- at least they don't have to go home yet and deal with their brat of a kid. Taheed tells us that he and Yahtzee got their first chance to talk since coming on the show. We see them talking -- Taheed wanting to admit that he made out with Lisa "Alabama." Yahtzee, leaning against a palm tree, interrupts him and asks him if tongue was "involved." He says no. She asks him how he felt about it afterwards. He says that he felt nothing, but then smartly backpedals and says that he was thinking about her on the other side of the island and wondering if she was with anyone. I'm sure he was instead wishing that he could ditch the cameras and find out once and for all why they call Alabama the Peach State.
The lie has the opposite effect on Yahtzee, however, as she tells us that she hates when Taheed turns things around and makes himself look like the angel and she look like the "psychopath." They keep walking and he tells her oddly that she needs to communicate with him what she wants, now berating her round-about-ly for not sending him a tape. He's also justifying whatever he might have done on his dates. We see the tape of LaWonna telling us that Taheed told her how "this" was his "best date ever." Yahtzee says that seeing that tape hurt her and caused her to go back and jump in the hot tub, where she kissed both Evan and Johnny. Johnny got around, boy. "Really?" Taheed asks. "Tongue?" Yes, she's used her tongue. He tells her that she went "buck wild," and she responds that all he had to do was send her a tape. We see a flashback of him refusing to Mark L. Walberg. Yahtzee yells at him that he thinks it's all her fault now, even though he's the one that's been cheating. They walk off, Taheed telling her that if she really wants to do something, why just do it on Temptation Island, rather than back home. I don't get his logic one iota. Then again, it is Taheed. Logical thought doesn't seem to be his strong suit. They bitch on down the beach, Taheed telling Yahtzee cryptically that she "bring[s] on [her] woes."
Boat. Taheed and Yahtzee head to a pier somewhere where they meet with Scuba Steve and his fiancée (I guess he's the local scuba instructor.) During the sad boat ride, Taheed tells us that the day was filled with mixed emotions, saying that they said a lot of hurtful things to each other; he forgets to tell us what the good side of the "mixed" part was. So they drink and talk and a drunk Yahtzee tells Steve the story of how Taheed "got" her. She tells us that Taheed made dinner for her after work one night. Also included in his "I'm Gonna Get Me Some Booty" preparations was a bath, candles, a rose, and a card in which he had written "special words." Oooh, I love me some special words. None of which, however, I can really discuss in mixed company. She goes on to say that was the first time any guy she dated had ever "done anything" for her. Hm. I'm not sure if she's being sexually cryptic here, or if she really means that no guy has ever done "anything" for her. That's sad if it's the case. I can see then why she's with him despite everything. Okay, not really, but it's more understandable. She finishes by saying that Taheed listened to her when she talked, which is a skill I've been working for years to cultivate. Wow. Just exactly how do you "listen" when someone is talking? That sounds really special. Yahtzee momentarily mentally loses it, saying, "Mr. Macho. Mr. arrogant macho person." She starts laughing. Taheed, looking more dead in the eyes than ever, tells us that Scuba Steve and his girl said some things to them that gave them insight into their own relationship. Steve, also drunk, tells Taheed that he already has a girl he's put five years into, and why look for someone else; it'll just take him another five years even to get to the point he is now with Yahtzee. Taheed says that he wants them to get off the "roller coaster" they feel they've been on lately. He finally tells us that their day was a step in the right direction, and that this was the first time in a while they've felt like they did any kind of communicating. Man, solid, that relationship. And so suddenly. Just give the Fox people a few minutes and they'll fix your life. I'm sure Taheed and Yahtzee will last another fifty weeks…I mean years. Years. All the faith in the world.
It's the women's side and the rejected boy hos are off; Jon is helping with someone's bag all, "Okay, great. Now get the fuck out of here, rejects." Well, he's probably doing it to keep an eye on Mandy, which isn't such a bad idea. Charlie shakes his head to the camera. I see now that the ladies are walking out with the boys they rejected. That's sorta nice, but I think I might personally be tempted to push them into the water. Matt feys that he had no expectations coming on the show so he's happy no matter what. (Plus, he got to meet a few great guys.) Matt hypothesizes that since Shannon has a few days left of "downtime," she and Tom couple probably "be a couple." You know, obviously she and Andy have said that they can do whatever they want with no repercussions, and they just conveniently left that out to heighten the drama of the show. Matt then calls Dano, "Dano the Mano," and says that he's so nervous about his date he's been asking the others to write down things for him to say. Mandy makes a crack about, "Don't leave us alone with these guys," does a fake pout, and then jumps up and down laughing. I would definitely push her in the water. Trouble is she'd probably just drunkenly cackle. The Boy Ho Boat O' Rejects trails off into the distance as the sad music pumps up and I'm forced to take a two-hour nap because of the growing tedium. (Obviously, stee was the big loser in Fox's decision to stretch out another episode.) Matt continues that she's not sure about Mandy and Jon and that they'll at least have a "good time." At least they will. Well, I'm sure Matt will be just fine. He'll probably be back in the West Village drinking Amaretto Sours and laughing about the wool he pulled over Fox's eyes.
Boy side. Girl Hos leave. Megan The Dissed is sad. Carla, readying to de-annoy the island by leaving, says that she's sad she's going to miss out on the "big, crazy" final dates. She goes on to bitch that she thinks the right girls were picked for the final date "because these guys need to figure a few things out." Hey Carla, how are those grapes? Sour? Yeah, that's what I thought. Slo-mo hugs. We don't even get a final shot of my girl Britt. Fox, you suck; how you gonna bring a girl onto a show and then ignore her ass so completely like that? Well, Britt, I hope you had a good time anyway. Gimme a call, girl. Carla says that she's glad Kaya is going out with Alison because she thinks he is the one who most has to get rid of his girlfriend. Duh. More slo-mo hugs. Andy hugs Megan. Megan tells us that she's been through a lot and that it's hard to be vulnerable. She wishes she were holding it together a little better, as she begins to cry. Billy waves to the girls as the Pan Flute of Non-Star-Makery wails. Megan goes on to say that she needs Kaya to know that she really felt the way she felt and that she wasn't "faking it." She cries, staring at her finger for a long time. Man, she had a time-compressed emotional connection (like at camp) with a most-likely gay man, and can't recognize it for what it is? She shouldn't be teaching anyone, let alone children. The Girl Ho Boat O' Rejects disappears. It would be funny if it crashed into the Boy Ho Boat O' Rejects. I mean, funny in a theoretical way, not that I wish actually death on anyone. Okay, well maybe Sean the Masseur, but he's already in Hollywood by this point, trying desperately to get into SkyBar on the Temptation Island tip, and failing. And…commercials.
Could I be less excited to a Brat Pitt / Julia Roberts movie than I am to see The Mexican? I doubt it. There is just something very unappealing about it.
"Day 11" still. "Yahtzee and Taheed Decide the Fate of Their Relationship." I love that they're being asked to do this on the show. As if it's Mark L. Walberg's business. Anyway, Yahtzee walks into a hut and there are lots of candles around. Mark L. Walberg tells her that he's been thinking about them and about how their "journey" has been unique and different from the other couples' and wondering if they've gotten any answers to their questions -- basically still trying to work the angle of Sure, This Show Does Anyone Any Good. "Not totally, no," says Yahtzee. Mark L. Walberg asks why she likes Taheed. Yahtzee says something cryptic about "what you guys see?" and goes on to say that he's a charmer -- but really her answer is simply saying that people think he's a great guy but they have no idea because they don't have to date him. Mark L. Walberg goes on to ask what she thinks Taheed wants out of the relationship and she says that she has "no idea." Mark L. Walberg smiles, sadly. She goes on to say that she cares "to a certain extent." He then asks if Taheed says that he wants to rebuild the relationship and he loves her, is she prepared to hear it. She says she "won't" hear it but he won't say that because he's already told her that they should go to counseling. That is a good thing, but definitely means they're not at that point yet. There is a funny and long beat of tense silence between Yahtzee and Mark L. Walberg before he says that he's going to go talk to Taheed alone, and then ask both of them for a decision on what the future of their relationship is going to be.
Taheed now. Mark L. Walberg asks him which of the questions he came to answer have been answered. (I know one question he got a "Yes" to: Will Fox be stupid enough not to discover the fact that we have a kid?) Taheed says that this whole thing was for Yahtzee, and that he was going to prove his trustworthiness, and that this was Yahtzee's chance to do what she needed to do. He goes on to say that he wanted to figure out how close they are, and he's not sure he's gotten an answer. Mark L. Walberg then asks what about Yahtzee made him love her. Taheed gives a very funny answer: "All the cheating, all the other stuff aside, she has always been there for me." Can you think of a more self-serving reason to love someone? I don't think I could, and I'm pretty fucking imaginative when I want to be. I think Tom Cruise's love for Nicole Kidman was more genuine. Taheed goes on to dig himself even deeper by saying that Yahtzee early on warned him that she loves "too much" and that it's a compulsive and obsessive kind of love. Mark L. Walberg asks whether, in the last few days, they've really discussed things and have "gone there." Taheed says that they've "gone there" a few times, but mostly it's been good. I'm not sure I want to know what either of them mean by "going there" and why the hell they both understand and I don't. Taheed says that they've begun to get to know each other all over again, somehow. Mark L. Walberg tools that Taheed's view of things might be different from Yahtzee's, and asks if he's prepared for that possibility. "Absolutely," he answers. Mark L. Walberg gives his assface "Wow, I really don't believe you but I'm going to keep nodding" look, before saying that he's now going to let Taheed have "that conversation" with Yahtzee.
So now Yahtzee and Taheed are in the hut together sitting on the couch. Mark L. Walberg tells them that they can now tell each other what they think about the relationship and what they want to do. Taheed turns to her and says, "Yahtzee, we've been together for five years…" Wow, and he seems so happy about it. Basically he goes on to say that they've had a kid together and they love him, and though they've had troubles, he doesn't want to say that he's wasted five years. He says, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Wow. Whoa. Yahtzee can't believe it either and gives Mark L. Walberg a funny look. Taheed starts to sweat alla sudden as he continues that he hopes she loves him and that they're going to get "help" and they need it and "I want you to be with me forever." Yahtzee allows herself a brief but genuine and huge smile. Man, how am I touched by this? Okay, it must be the fact that I'm sleep deprived, or very hungry, or maybe, just maybe, it's actually very touching. I guess it could be. Anyway, she asks Mark L. Walberg if she should respond, and he says, "I think you should." Ha. Tool. She turns to Taheed and says that she's always loved him and that they have created a beautiful son, and with counseling, "I would not mind spending the rest of my life with you." They kiss and she turns and whispers, "Okay, Mark." Mark L. Walberg makes a pathetic "tying it all together" hand motion as he asks if their journey on the island has made them come to this decision because he's surprised. "I think to an extent," Taheed answers. But then he disappoints Mark L. Walberg by saying it is just due to the fact that they've been able to spend time together, not really because of anything having to do with the show. Mark L. Walberg leaves them alone for a minute and Yahtzee tells Taheed that he caught her off-guard. He unconvincingly says that's what he felt, as we watch him begin to sweat something terrible, while she stays totally dry. Man, he's dripping wet. He says that he's sure they expect them to "bash" the show, but things happen for a reason and it's made them make some decisions. He looks very nervous and sad. In slo-mo, she wipes his sweaty, nervous man brow. Commercials.
"Men's Resort. Eve of the Final Dates." The girl hos arrive with the guys for a nice final dinner. Andy tells us that he's nervous, that now it's all couple-y and not just a bunch of chicks hanging with them. The kids all toast in slo-mo. He makes up a new words by saying that it's a "higher tensity level." Moron. Mark L. Walberg. Billy wears another crappy tie, looking like he got used to them slanging Bloomin' Onions at the local Chili's back home. Mark L. Walberg arrives, still deluded into thinking the kids like him. He announces that he's there to tell them about their final Dream Dates. The camera goes from the gorgeous Alison to Vanessa, and the transition is almost too much for my eyes to take; like when the latest Movieline goes from Johnny Depp to Jeffrey Rush with no warning whatsoever. They earlier decided the order in which the guys get to pick their date locale. Kaya goes first -- he "raises the roof" in celebration. Billy is , followed by loser Andy. The first date is a rustic hut area with tubing through caves. We've seen this. The is a resort, on a private island, with a spa and mud and all that shit. We've seen this too. Andy makes a face. The last is an "extreme date" where you rappel down a canyon into a rainforest, in the middle of which is a "tented, candlelit environment." Alison looks embarrassed by everything that's going on, but she's going to stick it out, goddamn it. Andy tells us that he already discussed with Kaya how much he wants to do the rappelling, which makes no sense as it seems like they're just learning about it now. Whatever.
Anyway, Kaya naturally picks the rappelling, causing Andy to freak out and sulk. "Andy's disappointed," laughs and points Mark L. Walberg. Hee. Andy tells us that Kaya is "typecast as the soft guy" and that he doesn't want that image. Image is nothing, man. Obey your thirst. And that's what Kaya does most of the time. Andy goes on to say how pissed he is. Billy and Vanessa pick the resort with the tubing through the cave. Mark L. Walberg once again notes how angry Andy is, laughing and saying he's obviously not much of a spa person. Mark L. Walberg tells Elizabeth to convince Andy to have fun. Mark L. Walberg tells them that "even on the bottom of the rainforest, separate accommodations are available." We don't see him say this, so it's pretty obvious it was added in later to handle some legal or image issue. Mark L. Walberg sells the dates once again, using adjectives like "incredible" and "dream" and they all toast. Except Andy. He sulks. And sucks.
Close-up of a crab scurrying up the beach. "Women's Resort." It's the final dinner. They all toast. Mark L. Walberg tools in. Again, they all pretend to be happy to see him. They're good at that by now. Mark L. Walberg tells Mandy that she gets to pick first. She cackles. Shannon pouts. Shannon is second, Valerie is third. The dates are all "really great." One is a rustic, romantic rainforest lodge. The second is Francis Ford Coppola's lodge. I wonder if they make a series of disappointing films there. The last is a small private island with its own chef and butler. Dano says that they all "sound awesome." Valerie glares. Man, she's already having a shitty time and she's not even on her date yet. Mandy and Jon pick the first, more rustic lodge. They "wooooo!" Shannon picks the one with the private butler. Dano and Valerie get FFC's place. Mark L. Walberg starts saying something, and they blatantly dub over him saying the disclaimer about separate accommodations being available at each place. Lord, that's funny with the fakery. Valerie tells us that she doesn't know whether Dano is going to be joking the whole time or make a move on her. Shannon says that she's sure Tom is wondering if they might connect romantically, and that maybe he should indeed try something; she's not sure what she would do. We see a tiny little dog in the background. Mandy and Jon grab a bottle of wine and their plates and walk to the beach as Mandy tells us something about the nature of "temptation" and the fact that she usually wouldn't be "allowed" to have Jon but now she can -- but the whole time I'm just looking at her bicep. It's kinda scary. She and Jon hug. Commercials.
"Day 12." Man, that was a too-quick break. Doesn't Fox have more shit to advertise? I guess they gave up on Monkeybone already. Morning. They pack. Mandy tells us that it is an automatic response to bring a photo of her and Billy, but that this time she felt like she "didn't need it." Valerie. She says she's feeling "blah" and is taking extra vitamins. Yeah, she is indeed sitting with a pile of about forty different tablets, downing them all. Man, she must pee bright orange. Valerie is such a spoilsport. I am indeed starting to join the masses in disliking her. She's just unpleasant. Ooh, you know who she'd be good for? Mark L. Walberg. They're sort of similar somehow. She says all she can think about is Kaya and what's going to happen on the final meeting "tomorrow."
"The Kids Leave" Montage. Andy brats that he's "psyched to get a mud bath." Kaya would like to give Andy a mud bath. (Okay, that was wrong.) Boats. Dano sits on the front of the boat. "I'm the moto-dork of the world!" Graphic! "Mandy & Billy's Final Dream Dates." The Music of Please Have Some Dirty Sex On Our Show starts as Jon and Mandy arrive at their lodge. Mandy says she has the "best date." Meanwhile, Billy and Vanessa arrive. Billy tells us that it's not fair to their dates to be thinking of their girlfriends right now. I'm so sick of Billy's hand-wringing at this point that I'm considering cheating on him. Vanessa shoves her monkey-lips in the camera and says that she's going out with "Billy, the most favorite guy." Hee. She's so stupid it hurts. Two lambs run away from her. No, really. She "ooohs" over their lodge, sitting in a big chair. Billy says that it's weird how Vanessa knows exactly how he's feeling and goes on about how this has been the "toughest thing [he's] ever done in his life." Yeah. It's so fucking hard to be on a cool date with a nude model. Starving children in Africa feel your pain, Billy.
"Valerie & Kaya's Final Dream Dates." Somehow I don't think going out with Alison is exactly Kaya's "dream." Valerie and Dano arrive at a small airport, only to find all the dissed girl hos waiting to catch a plane. Valerie bitches that by seeing the girl hos, she can now narrow down who Kaya is with. She begins to blubber. "I can have a visual in my head of who he's spending two days with, and I'm just tired of having to have that." Boo-the-fuck-hoo. Kaya and Alison now. Alison is just as shiny as Kaya now, which is a feat. Kaya tells us that he'd planned the whole time not to "limit" himself in any way. He fops that he's ready to find out his "market value." Ew. Oh, ick. Alison tells us that Kaya is "gorgeous" and says that he's really "smart," which people might not know. As she says this, we get a shot of Kaya, his mouth open, slack-jawed. Hee. She goes on to say that he's still "cautious" about what he does, but she hopes that will change. Yeah, if you suddenly sprout cock, it might.
"Shannon & Andy's Final Dream Dates." Andy and Elizabeth arrive at the spa. Bad Pirate Andy tells us that Shannon was more concerned about him cuddling with a girl. She apparently said that she'd much rather he "mack on some girl and do whatever [he] need[s] and then send her on her bike." That's funny shit. He says that he feels the same, and that it can be "intense" when you spend the night with someone. Andy and Elizabeth swim. Meanwhile, Shannon tells us that casting Tom was perfect for her and that they're "totally connected." She's also "totally" wasted. They walk on a dock to their catered house, where they are immediately fed. Tom tells us that he feels a "nervous excitement" and that he's like "a kid in a candy store." He's wondering how many licks it takes to get to the center of Shannon.
Mandy and Jon. They swim. Mandy tells us how much more she likes Jon the more she knows him. She says, and we see this, how amazing it was that Jon helped her take out her braids in the pool. "When you take out your braids you're, like, releasing." Oh, yuck. She dips her free head under the water and tells Jon how good it feels.
Vanessa and Billy carry inner tubes. They tube through the cave and Billy says something about how Vanessa is a good partner for the tubing and how he gets so fascinated and "in awe" of things around him when he's with her. I'm guessing that what Billy keeps babbling about is the fact that when he's with Vanessa, as opposed to Mandy, he doesn't have to constantly look around to see who his date is trying to make out with in front of him, affording him actual freedom to have fun. They tube. There are bats. Vanessa tells us moronically how it was dark and how Billy (when she says "Billy" she says it like a ten-year-old talking about the boy in front of her in math) put his legs around her tube and kept her warm and "that was nice."
Tom and Shannon kayak. Tom tells us that his relationship with her has grown since they met. She says she feels totally comfortable with him, and he says that she is someone he could see himself with. They lounge on a bench and then eat food. It's kinda mean that Shannon takes Tom kayaking, as that's obviously something the kayak pro Andy taught her. Wait, I'm defending Andy? Never mind. Kayak like the wind, sister.
"This date was not meant for you!" says Elizabeth to Andy, who is wimping and whining on his massage table, as they wait for the masseuse ladies to arrive. He says that he is supposed to be rappelling and that he's actually scared of the massage. (Well, Andy currently is repelling, so that's something.) ["Dude, I thought exactly the same thing!" -- niki] Elizabeth is trying to be a good sport but it's like watching two really annoying people saying stupid shit to each other…wait, it's exactly what it is. The massage happens. Andy is moaning and twitching. I'm sure the massage lady has a better time rubbing Francis Ford Coppola's huge hairy body than annoying Andy. Now they're lying with the mud plastered like war paint all over them, making really noxious small-talk, trying to make the experience seem more intense and funny than it actually is.
Now to Kaya and Alison. They are being taught how to rappel. Kaya is babbling about how his second date with Alison is physically taxing and how he's being pushed to the limit. Dude, he's sliding down a rope. , as Alison rappels, she whores about how if you fall, you're dead. Kaya now, saying that Alison is great and how "it takes a full and complete package to work for [him]." Yes, I'm sure Kaya likes a full and complete "package."
Waterfalls. Waterfalls. Island Prettiness. Complaining. Ah, it's Valerie and her terrible, no good, very bad date. They stand on the top of some waterfalls as Valerie bitches that her shoes are slick on the bottom and Dano should go check it out alone. Poor Dano because he's really trying to be a good sport about it all, but I'm sure he'd rather be back home working on his dirtbikes than out with the whining, crying, pill-popping Valerie. Suddenly Valerie has become like a Tennessee Williams character with a voice like greasy-spoon waitress. Oh, sad. Dano actually ends up running around down by the water by himself. Valerie is busy being very mean, telling us that she hopes she can wear out Dano during the day because she's sure by the night she'll just want to shut her door and be alone; she's just thinking about the final bonfire with Kaya tomorrow. Short bus. They ride in the back in silence, like the end of The Graduate. Poor Dano. He says something about how cool the waterfalls were and she just stares at him for a second before saying yeah, they were cool. She quickly looks away. Commercials.
Night. Island Tiki. Andy and Elizabeth with a little private pool, just like where Johnny and Mandy made out. They swim and make the terrible small talk of the really popular kids in high school who grew up but never progressed past that point, socially. Elizabeth flirts about her towel falling off and Andy tells us that there is on-camera Elizabeth, and the Elizabeth he knows and wants to bone, and on this date he's getting almost all on-camera Elizabeth. As they put on their robes, he continues that there is a five-year age gap between them, and he can feel that in her actions and words. Okay, I have to agree with him there. Andy does seem more mature, which is a really sad statement for Elizabeth. That must mean she's, like, two. He says that "back in the day" he would have liked her but that he's not really into it any more. Elizabeth then brats to us that Andy was fun and he is a "very unique individual," but that she's used to being treated like more of a lady. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, after she blows a guy in the back seat of his car, he usually gives her a swig of his Budweiser. Back at the lodge. She lies on the bed, and he asks whether she thinks she "fulfilled [his] dream date." She bitches, "You do have a girlfriend." Ooh, now he's just sort of half-heartedly trying to guilt her into giving up some booty. He tells us that he thinks he's been "more than accommodating to make her feel comfortable" and that she hasn't reciprocated; he's ready to go back. He heads off into a separate wing of the cabana for the night, leaving her to slut, "What, did you grow up in a barn?" as she closes and locks the door behind her.
Somewhere else. Tom takes a photo of Shannon on their balcony. Shannon tells us that she's been looking for an opportunity to be alone with someone she connected with. They eat dinner and continue to bore us with their back-and-forth voice-overs about how much they like each other and man, just fuck already, okay? He says he's gotten closer with her in the last few days than with any woman he's ever had a relationship with. What? He must be drunk, or the worst boyfriend in the history of boyfriends. They hug on the balcony. Lightning over the water. The Fake Enya of Impending Booty Smacking plays as they shut a door and head to bed, Shannon telling us that Tom was "even more that [she] expected." Lightning.
Uncomfortable dinner. Valerie and Dano. Valerie talks about Kaya, wondering if he did something for which should she forgive him. Poor Dano, again. I've officially taken all my sympathy for Billy in earlier episodes and given it to Dano now. Dano tells us that it's "tough" because she'll be okay for a minute and then she'll again starting thinking of "her man, Kai." She continues that she knows Kaya wouldn't have sex with anyone, that it's "a given." Hm. Well…fuck it, I'm just confused now. Dano tells us that Valerie loves her man. Valerie wipes her face with her napkin, putting grease from her hands all over her forehead. She doesn't apologize to Dano, instead just saying that it's happening again, that she turns into a pumpkin at nine o'clock. They walk to the cabana, Dano asking Valerie to slow down -- we can't even see her she's walking so far ahead. Now Valerie is in her bathrobe, hugging Dano and thanking him for a "wonderful date." She closes her door. Dano is left sitting on a couch, dissed, with the crew staring at him. He's smiling, humiliated. He laughs then puts his finger in his mouth and mimes shooting himself in the head. Hee. He should go out, find an island whore, and fuck her in the living room. That's what he should do.
Caves. Kaya and Alison, all shiny and almost naked with spelunking lights on their heads. Kaya says that being left (by their guides) alone with Alison, it dawned on them that they were in one of the most remote spots in the world. They find the tented environment ahead of them, glowing like a big bubble or an altar. There are candles and food and mattresses under the tent. Kaya says that all the taxing physical work was worth it and it's clear that Alison was the one to bring -- that she was his "main temptation." A candle…the candle…blows out, over-dramatically, pitching us into darkness.
Dinner. Mandy and Jon eat. She tells us how "romantic" and "tender" and "beautiful" it was. They talk and clink glasses. He compliments her hair. ["Finally freed from the Ten Buns of Ugly, it really isn't that bad." --niki] She tells us that she felt herself sinking into a comfort level she didn't think she could achieve without Billy. They walk back with their drinks. Jon says, "My hammock or yours?" Man, that's the punch line to a really good Skipper /Gilligan joke. They stop and kiss. A real kiss. They hug for a long time. Mandy tells us that her heart has been beating fast not because she felt bad, but because it felt so good and she was waiting for this moment for the whole date.
Billy and Vanessa. Vanessa compliments Billy's boxers. They lie very uncomfortably on the bed. He tells us that he feels like he should do something, and also not do anything. He tells her, "This is the most awkward possible thing," as she hits him with pillows. I wish a cameraman would whisper to him, "Dude, I just saw tape of Mandy's date. Trust me. Do something." Now Billy sits by a tree in the daytime, telling us a very concocted story about how when he was a kid he used to hold his most "valuable object" out the window, seeing how loosely he could hold it without dropping it, and that's what he feels like he's doing with Mandy. Oh, for fucks sake! Well, aside from calling your girlfriend an "object," just…shut up you muttering, guilt-ridden, whore-for-a-girlfriend, waiter dipshit. I liked you, too! I really did. Go read. I've been pulling for you the whole time, but enough is e-fucking-nough. Even Ghandi's wife at some point said, "Dude, enough with the fasting and the parables, can you just fuck me already?" They continue to lie to each other, as Vanessa touches his nipple. They culddle in slo-mo.
Now the action couple. Mandy and Jon lie in a hammock and whisper to each other, rubbing each other's legs, all intertwined. It's nine hundred times sexier than Vanessa and Billy in their ugly room. We get subtitles of Mandy's terrible grammar, "It's funny 'cause I want to be so affectionate with you, but I know we're both tryin' to be good behaved." Hee. He says that he's "really trying" and she dick-teases that she's "enjoying an amazing moment with an amazing guy." She rubs his thigh and he licks his lips. He lies, "There's no one I'd rather spend this unique experience with than you." That was it, because she purrs, "Jon…do you mean that?" She's practically sliding her panties off as she talks. He leans into her as the cameraman backs far away: "I don't feel bad if you don't." She responds, "I don't feel bad at all. Not a bit. I'm so comfortable with you." They say how much they wish they had more time together. And as they kiss in silhouette, she asks, "Am I going to hell?" Moon. And a graphic reading, "Stay Tuned for Scenes From The Final Episode."
"Week on Temptation Island"…shots of the kids returning from their dates. Mandy and Jon are practically giving each other hand jobs in the plane. We are told that this is the dramatic conclusion that we've been waiting for. Tom and Shannon canoodle. Billy disinterestedly touches Vanessa's legs. The date night: Alison leans her head into Kaya's chest, and then we see them sleeping in the tent, holding each other like lovers. Um, does she know he's gay? Because I get the feeling she's in the dark here. We are told that the night of intimacy leads to confusion "as the couples are forced to deal with their actions." More shots of the returning date-couples, in varying states of touching. No shots of Valerie and Dano; Dano probably had to fly out on the wing of the plane so Valerie could have her space. Billy pulls out all stops on his hyperbole by saying, "I feel like I sold my soul, and now I'm in hell." Island Prettiness. Back on the island, "tension fuels fear" as the final bonfire approaches. Various shots of the kids looking nervous and sad. Mandy says that there is a "weirdness in the air." Shannon looks unhappy. I would too if I was going back with such a shitty boyfriend. "Finally, the moment of truth arrives," as we get to Bonfire. Mark L. Walberg talks alone with Valerie, who says that if Kaya did something and felt "total regret" that she could live with it. Shannon and Andy sit to each other. Billy and Mandy. Mark L. Walberg tells them that this is the time where they can speak what's in their hearts; he asks them to be honest. Mark L. Walberg, I ask you to go try to swim back to America. A sweaty, nervous Billy tells Mandy that this is the hardest thing he's ever done. Yes, we got that a long time ago. Thanks. The voice-over tells us that then we'll get the confessions that will leave their partners speechless. A shiny-shiny Kaya tells Valerie, "There were two connections…with girls that I had feelings for." Valerie begins to cry. Mandy tells Billy that she had an "intimate moment with someone." Billy rubs his jaw. Shannon cries. Kaya says, "I have no regrets over a single thing I did here." Valerie drops her head in pain. Kaya and Mark L. Walberg just watch her. And…over.