The newest incarnation of the reality television craze was started, at least for this generation, by the devil (read: Bunim-Murray Productions.) Of course, B/M's groundbreaking series The Real World (and its sad, retarded sibling Road Rules) was all but forgotten once CBS's cultural phenomenon Survivor hit the airwaves last summer and, along with Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, revitalized network television and brought hope to a Hollywood paralyzed with fear in the face of the upcoming WGA and SAG strikes. With news magazine shows on the decline, the networks need programming that doesn't fall under the auspices of the unions, and so reality television shows came riding in on the backs of Richard Hatch and Regis Philbin like knights on white steeds, swooping up the networks and taking them back to the castle for the dirty sex of their lives. Thus, out of that unholy union, comes the first wave of copycat reality shows, hoping to cash in on the success of Survivor: The Mole, < A HREF="/show.cgi?show=60">Popstars, and of course, Temptation Island. And as the bevy of Millionaire quiz show rip-offs came and went (Greed, anyone?), the critics are loudly asserting that these shows will quickly disappear as well. Well, I'm here to say...okay, yeah, they might be right, but let's have some fun while there's still time.
Amid the protests and controversy, the affiliate outcry, the last-minute revelations, and the New York Times Op-Ed pieces comes a show with a very simple, very sleazy, and very engaging premise: will these men and women cheat on their lovers in front of the camera. That's what it comes down to as surely as COPS comes down to: "C'mon, shoot him!" And when I turn on Jon Stewart, I turn on the radio, I go into the bathroom at work, and everyone is talking about the show, something is being done right. And really, it just makes me happy to have a show that people actually talk about. The only people talking about The $treet were my friends going, "Ew. You have to watch that?"
One thing: I learned certain things about recapping a reality show when I did Road Rules, and I am determined not to trip about certain elements of reality television, so let's get them out of the way. There are going to be continuity errors. Constant. The whole thing is manipulated, so that when you see a shot of someone reacting with a stunned look to something, it's probably just a shot from when they were listening to something else and were falling asleep, giving them that squinty look. Also, the dialogue is constantly spliced together. Get used to that. This is not Reality Television, it's Reality Television Remember that. I also warn you now that I'm not going to worry about writing every "um" and "uh" as I did before. It sometimes took nine hours to get a long speech of Theo's down correctly, the hick doofus. And I took time to talk about practically every shot. Not. Going. To. Happen. (Well, it's my goal anyway, don't hold me to it.) I'm just trying to stay sane with this one, y'all. Okay? Okay. Now let's get started.
So a nice-looking guy with a shaved head is way too close to the camera. He answers the question of an unseen interviewer about what he thinks of the show now that he's on it. "I feel like I've sold my soul to do something fantastic, which is to come to this place..." he says. (Smart, Fox. Having a cast member criticize how sleazy the show is right away. Actually very smart.) We get a definition of "tempt" and a beach shot, before he continues, "...and now the fun is over and I'm paying for it." Another definition. Beach. "I hate to say it's a mistake, but..." Another definition. Hot girl. "...now I'm in hell." The shot dissolves to black and white as the house music pumps and off we go. Whee!
"Four Couples," read titles, as we see the kids on boats. Test Their Devotion. Kissing. Talking. "Twenty-Six Singles." Man and Woman-Hos by a pool clapping for themselves. "Chosen To Entice." The kids on dates. A girl in a hot tub with guys. "12 Days." Beach shots. Fun. "To Indulge." Waterfalls. Naked beach hugs and drunk fun. "They Thought It Was A Game." Beach dancing. Talking. A couple argues. Laughing. Drunk pool play. "We're all on the verge of breaking down," says a woman. Shaved Head Guy on a beach tells the camera to go away. He says, "This is my life." (No, this is a show you stupidly decided to be on, dude.) "They Had No Idea." Kissing. "How Far." Kissing. "It Would." Blonde braid girl crying that she hates this. "Go." Titles! Blonde girl: "This could rip two people apart." ("Yeah," my friend says. "I'm already mad at you for making me sit through this shit.") "The Journey Begins Now." I love how they put it on a beach for no reason and have crazy Survivor drums during that nine-minute title sequence. I wonder if one of the singles is going to be an old cranky homophobic guy and another a foul-mouthed female truck driver. I mean, I already know that the host is going to be a Jeff Probst wannabe (which is a very very sad thing to "wanna" be when you think about it.) So, let's indeed begin this journey. (Personally, I'm already thinking of beginning my journey to the kitchen to fix a drink.)
Title: Malibu, California. First couple, getting ready. A mealy dark-haired guy and a pretty blonde. Shannon and Andy have been together five years, we are told. They give exposition about the show separately, Andy being wrong by saying there will be thirty singles and eight couples (I believe it's twenty-six singles and four couples.) He's right that they're going to "Belize," even though he pronounces it "Billy's." Shannon says that she gets to be single for two weeks and kiss Andy goodbye.