The newest incarnation of the reality television craze was started, at least for this generation, by the devil (read: Bunim-Murray Productions.) Of course, B/M's groundbreaking series The Real World (and its sad, retarded sibling Road Rules) was all but forgotten once CBS's cultural phenomenon Survivor hit the airwaves last summer and, along with Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, revitalized network television and brought hope to a Hollywood paralyzed with fear in the face of the upcoming WGA and SAG strikes. With news magazine shows on the decline, the networks need programming that doesn't fall under the auspices of the unions, and so reality television shows came riding in on the backs of Richard Hatch and Regis Philbin like knights on white steeds, swooping up the networks and taking them back to the castle for the dirty sex of their lives. Thus, out of that unholy union, comes the first wave of copycat reality shows, hoping to cash in on the success of Survivor: The Mole, Popstars, and of course, Temptation Island. And as the bevy of Millionaire quiz show rip-offs came and went (Greed, anyone?), the critics are loudly asserting that these shows will quickly disappear as well. Well, I'm here to say...okay, yeah, they might be right, but let's have some fun while there's still time.
Amid the protests and controversy, the affiliate outcry, the last-minute revelations, and the New York Times Op-Ed pieces comes a show with a very simple, very sleazy, and very engaging premise: will these men and women cheat on their lovers in front of the camera. That's what it comes down to as surely as COPS comes down to: "C'mon, shoot him!" And when I turn on Jon Stewart, I turn on the radio, I go into the bathroom at work, and everyone is talking about the show, something is being done right. And really, it just makes me happy to have a show that people actually talk about. The only people talking about The $treet were my friends going, "Ew. You have to watch that?"
One thing: I learned certain things about recapping a reality show when I did Road Rules, and I am determined not to trip about certain elements of reality television, so let's get them out of the way. There are going to be continuity errors. Constant. The whole thing is manipulated, so that when you see a shot of someone reacting with a stunned look to something, it's probably just a shot from when they were listening to something else and were falling asleep, giving them that squinty look. Also, the dialogue is constantly spliced together. Get used to that. This is not Reality Television, it's Reality Television Remember that. I also warn you now that I'm not going to worry about writing every "um" and "uh" as I did before. It sometimes took nine hours to get a long speech of Theo's down correctly, the hick doofus. And I took time to talk about practically every shot. Not. Going. To. Happen. (Well, it's my goal anyway, don't hold me to it.) I'm just trying to stay sane with this one, y'all. Okay? Okay. Now let's get started.
So a nice-looking guy with a shaved head is way too close to the camera. He answers the question of an unseen interviewer about what he thinks of the show now that he's on it. "I feel like I've sold my soul to do something fantastic, which is to come to this place..." he says. (Smart, Fox. Having a cast member criticize how sleazy the show is right away. Actually very smart.) We get a definition of "tempt" and a beach shot, before he continues, "...and now the fun is over and I'm paying for it." Another definition. Beach. "I hate to say it's a mistake, but..." Another definition. Hot girl. "...now I'm in hell." The shot dissolves to black and white as the house music pumps and off we go. Whee!
"Four Couples," read titles, as we see the kids on boats. Test Their Devotion. Kissing. Talking. "Twenty-Six Singles." Man and Woman-Hos by a pool clapping for themselves. "Chosen To Entice." The kids on dates. A girl in a hot tub with guys. "12 Days." Beach shots. Fun. "To Indulge." Waterfalls. Naked beach hugs and drunk fun. "They Thought It Was A Game." Beach dancing. Talking. A couple argues. Laughing. Drunk pool play. "We're all on the verge of breaking down," says a woman. Shaved Head Guy on a beach tells the camera to go away. He says, "This is my life." (No, this is a show you stupidly decided to be on, dude.) "They Had No Idea." Kissing. "How Far." Kissing. "It Would." Blonde braid girl crying that she hates this. "Go." Titles! Blonde girl: "This could rip two people apart." ("Yeah," my friend says. "I'm already mad at you for making me sit through this shit.") "The Journey Begins Now." I love how they put it on a beach for no reason and have crazy Survivor drums during that nine-minute title sequence. I wonder if one of the singles is going to be an old cranky homophobic guy and another a foul-mouthed female truck driver. I mean, I already know that the host is going to be a Jeff Probst wannabe (which is a very very sad thing to "wanna" be when you think about it.) So, let's indeed begin this journey. (Personally, I'm already thinking of beginning my journey to the kitchen to fix a drink.)
Title: Malibu, California. First couple, getting ready. A mealy dark-haired guy and a pretty blonde. Shannon and Andy have been together five years, we are told. They give exposition about the show separately, Andy being wrong by saying there will be thirty singles and eight couples (I believe it's twenty-six singles and four couples.) He's right that they're going to "Belize," even though he pronounces it "Billy's." Shannon says that she gets to be single for two weeks and kiss Andy goodbye.
Atlanta, Georgia. Nice house. We meet Mandy and Billy, who have been together for a year and a half. She is shaving his head: he is the guy who was talking at the beginning, and she is the girl with the orange hair who looks very much like a stripper and until I am proven wrong, I will assume she is a stripper. He thinks the point of the show is to get "your" relationship tested. Dude, if just, like, life isn't already testing your relationship, why push it? Free trip to Belize and a tenuous taste of fame is the only reason I can see for going. Billy continues about how he thinks their relationship is strong, as she jokes that this is the last time she'll be leaving his driveway. He stares at her. "I'm just kidding," she screeches, laughing. Oh, poor Billy. This is going to end in heartbreak for the kid.
Los Angeles, California. Black couple. He talks about how he's "stepped out" on his relationship before. He's very non-committal. Yikes. She says that she can be a "real bitch." Man. Strong union, these two. We learn they are Ytossie (her) and Taheed (him), and I'm immediately putting their names into my function keys. Jesus. (Pamie yelled, "Yahztee!" when she saw her name. I promised her many "Sm. Straight" jokes.) They've been together five and a half years. She kinda looks like Iman and he kinda looks like a cross between Montel Williams and Tupac. Hey, maybe it is Tupac. Shit, he keeps putting out albums and he's been "dead" for six years, I wouldn't be surprised. Taheed justifies that they need "this" to determine if they are going to move on and if he is finally willing to commit after five years. "We'll see," he says. (Not if you get kicked off the show for actually having a child you kept secret from Fox, dummy.)
Miami Beach, Florida. Valerie and Kaya, who have been together for one-and-a-half years. Ew, a dude named Kaya. Reminds me of the topless freaky girl from Real World: Hawaii. Maybe this Kaya will also write poetry. That would be dope. So the kids pack as they tell the camera that they've been kept in the dark as to exactly what's going to happen on the show. They are excited and afraid and feeling "a whole spectrum of emotions in every respect." A wordsmith. We see him working on his hair. I'll just say it now: he looks and seems very very gay. There. It's out there. ("It" is not the only thing out there. Hee.) They drive off.
Everyone is now at the airport. Now on planes. Now the voice-over starts about how these four couples are in committed relationships and how they'll test their devotion to each other by being put on opposite ends of an island with twenty-six "fantasy singles" picked specifically from what they said they like in a partner, and they'll all mingle and date, the rationale behind this being that it will answer a couple's "most important question: Have I found the one? Or, is someone better out there?"
"Who will stay together? Who will be torn apart?" says a guy on a beach. We swoop in to see it is our host: Mark L. Walberg. Hee. We had fun talking about what the "L" stands for. Loser. Lame. Less famous than Marky Mark. Length of career will be much shorter. Level of talent not even close. Did Fox hope to trick people into thinking Marky Mark was hosting the show? Was this really the best fake Probst they could find, and anyway, what did Jeff Probst really have to do with the success of Survivor? I suspect Soleil Moon-Frye could have hosted that shit and it would have done just as well. (Plus, you could add a few thousand viewers to account for all the former Punky Brewster fans tuning in to see what she looks like with her breast reduction. Anyway. Mark L. Walberg stops mid-sentence and we switch to a "dramatic" camera shot from the air as he says, "...here. On Temptation Island." He holds his arms out pathetically as the camera quickly swoops away to shoot the pretty beach as opposed to the schlebby host. Beach shots. Survivor-fu. The Reed Flutes And Native Drums Of My Guilty Conscience play as we get a colorful montage of island life with water and diving and fish and coconuts and shirtless guys, then a monkey, then watermelon, then a cheetah...then the logo! Man. Did some Internet island footage randomizer make that montage? It looks like one of Tennessee Williams's fever dreams after too many rum toddies on the verandah of the Hilton in Boca Raton.
Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. The kids looking out. The plane landing. Deplaning, which is a funny word. Yahtzee, who is a thirty-four year old executive administrator, says that she is doing the show for a vacation and to test her recently unfaithful man. The twenty-six-year-old attorney Shannon says also that she's doing the show for a vacation and because it might make Andy give her a bigger commitment. Valerie (twenty-nine, Real Estate Broker) says that it's a risk, but it's better to have it end if it needs to end. The kids come to a boat where Mark L. Walberg introduces himself. They all sail. The ninth Island Prettiness montage begins as they sail. Shannon says that Andy loves women. Andy (twenty-six, Owner, Kayaking Company), drinking a beer, says that he was talking about the show to his buddies and that it's like "The Pepsi Challenge, but having ladies being the actual soft drink instead of the soft drink." Oh, Christ. I hope Shannon is humping three island guys before Andy wakes up the first morning. The boat arrives, and Mark L. Walberg welcomes them all to "Temptation Island."
Island Prettiness montage #10. Slo-mo walking off the boat. Mark L. Walberg leads them to a hut/bar, and they all mingle and starting drinking. Valerie says she wants Kaya to realize that she's the one. Hm. Too bad she doesn't have a cock, or she'd be perfect for him. Kaya (twenty-eight, Model [?!]) then pipes up that he doesn't know if Valerie is right for him and never got a chance to be single, and that he's been waiting for an opportunity like this to "explore." Man, another prince. Billy (twenty-six, Manager, Sports Center) then explains that he fears Mandy will find someone else and he won't. We then find out the reason why he's so scared, and that is because on her twenty-first birthday Mandy got drunk and made out with an ex in front of Billy. The graphic in front of Mandy reads: "Mandy, 22, Singer/Waitress." Wow. There are four lies in that graphic. Her name is probably Irma. She's at least thirty. And she looks like a stripper. She goes on to unbelievably say that it's horrible to say, but she thinks she "needs" to see other girls hanging on Billy. Mandy, you're not a fine girl. What a good wife you won't be. The kids frolic and drink as Mark L. Walberg tells them that they have guests arriving. Mark L. Walberg heads to the dock and we see the legs of the singles walking off the boat. "I'm Mark, I'm your host!" he yells as we cut, finally, to commercial.
Appropriately, we get a commercial for Snatch. I can't believe they had to change the name of Free Willy in England, but over here they make us ask for two tickets to Snatch.
Shots of the beach. Pretty. Yes. We know. So we see Mark L. Walberg leading the girl hos down the peer and the boys all stand to see them coming. We see the stupidest shot of a dog standing on the back of another dog, supposedly also to look at the women. Ha heh hm. The women make faces (not at the stupid edit, but at the girl hos) as Mandy wonders why they couldn't have done the boys first. (She'll do the boys, all right.) Shannon looks sad. Mark L. Walberg leads the girl hos through as Mandy protectively rubs Billy's bald head. Mark L. Walberg smugly sits back down and asks the girls if they are now worried, having seen the temptations. They say no, but Shannon tells us that the four girls are actually the jealous type. Mandy also says she's threatened. Yahtzee has dealt with this before with Taheed, so she doesn't worry. So the boy hos come through, and the girls enjoy it. Mandy shrieks drunkenly. The guys glower. Mark L. Walberg tells one boy ho that he'd love to hear him play guitar later. I'm serious. Billy tells us that the boy hos were showing off as they walked by, and he hates arrogant people. Andy wasn't threatened. Shannon then tells us that they were attractive, the men. Andy is a douche -- that's not from Shannon, that's from me.
Suddenly it's night, and Mark L. Walberg tells the kids that they have a big day ahead of them. The girls are staying and the guys are leaving for the night -- they'll all have breakfast tomorrow. The couples say their goodbyes and Mandy casually tells us that she's not sure they will be together by the end of this, but that seeing the hos made it all real. Kaya tells us that suddenly he's thinking of his girlfriend doing stuff with other guys and it's "wild." Ha. I'm sure you are thinking about that, and how "wild" that would be, Kaya. The boys leave and we fade to black.
Rain. Sunrise on a clear "Day 2." Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Shot of "Captain Morgan's Retreat," where the guys and the girl hos will live. Huts. Huts. A shirtless and very buff Billy wakes up.
, the women's resort, which doesn't seem to have a name. Huts. Yahtzee wakes.
The guys again. They talk on a deck about how the single girls are living with them, and Kaya says, "How convenient." Yeah. Sure, Kaya. The women arrive by boat from "Bota Chica," my phonetic interpretation of Mark L. Walberg's pronunciation of their resort. The couples are reunited, and it feels not so good. The guys have a dog now. I don't know. The Music of My Bleeding Ears plays as we get a quick montage of naked torsos. Mark L. Walberg leads the contestants to a swimming pool where the hos are all gathered -- men on one side and women on the others. Mark L. Walberg explains that the singles will now introduce themselves, and the kids take seats as the ho-troductions begin. Oh, Jesus. It's just occurred to me: I have to learn the names of twenty-six fucking people? No. No. I refuse. We'll find out their names here, but during the show, I'm just going to call them some look-specific thing if I don't catch their name. No way. Sorry, Fox.
So the first guy steps to the mic. Dano. Twenty-four. Motocross racer. Dork.
Yvonne. (We're switching off genders -- sort of.) Twenty-six. Advertising executive. "Aspiring VJ." What? How do you aspire to be a VJ? (Ha. Andy asks Billy what a VJ is.)
Ace. Big black guy. Twenty-five. Former college football player. Oh, impressive. He says he dances and he quickly does, terribly.
Heather. Twenty-six. Backup singer/dancer for Jimmy Buffett. Ha. She says that she is from wherever "you" want her to be from. And I know, it's her own damn fault.
Megan. Twenty-five. Former Laker girl.
Maceo. Twenty-nine. Musician. Son of former NFL Great Mercury Morris.
Venus. Twenty-eight. Triathlete. She's proud to be from Kansas City, she tells us. Ooh. What a temptress.
is Keith. Twenty-six. Small-business owner. He tells us to "show [him] something "wet and wild." Yeah, I don't know, either.
Patti. Twenty-five. Miss Georgia USA 2000. What is Miss Georgia USA? As opposed to Miss Georgia, USSR?
Evan. Twenty-eight. Actor/Model. He calls himself an "actor and a drummer." I guess he gave up modeling for drumming.
Alison. Twenty-eight. Former Playboy model. I guess Hef stole one of her "l"s.
Matt. Twenty-nine. Public Relations. He tells us very proudly that he's been living in New York City. Well, when that's the only notable thing about you aside from the fact that you obviously lie about your age, why not share it?
is Carla. Twenty-two. Bass player in rock band. She has pink hair and is quite cute.
Jim. Thirty-one. Artist. Whoa. I'm guessing this guy fit some of Kaya's fantasies.
Elizabeth. Twenty-two. Real estate agent. "I like it hot," she tells us. Yeah yeah, shut up and find me a new apartment.
Charlie. Twenty-nine. Entertainment reporter. Hm. I guess technically even I could call myself that if I wanted to, huh? "I'm one hell of an amateur cook," he says, taking off his sunglasses for effect. Ha. Dick.
Lawonna is . Yeah, Taheed wonna. Twenty-five. Former college track star. Good, so that means she can run when Yahtzee tries to beat the shit out of her.
Johnny. Twenty-six. Singer/Poet. He loves the ocean, he tells us. Huh. Interesting factoid.
Lisa. Twenty-five. Bartender. Now, there's an occupation that impresses me. A girlfriend who could give me free drinks every night? Now if only I could find a bartender/real estate agent/bass player in a rock band. That would be perfect.
is Tom. Twenty-seven. Ivy-League graduate. (Is University of Virginia Ivy League?) He is also the founder of an online dating service. Great.
Britt is . She's normal-looking and very cute. Twenty-six. Attorney. She's also proud of being from New York. She really doesn't seem like she belongs with the hos, in that she seems normal and real. I guess time will tell.
Greg. Twenty-nine. Naval flight instructor. Man. He's a big scary Aryan guy who now, with the Top Gun occupation, reminds me of Iceman. Billy better never leave his wingman around this guy.
is the ho-ho-ho-y Vanessa. Twenty-two. Cover girl for Perfect 10 Magazine. She must be so proud. I think that even only being able to say that you're from New York City by way of tooting your own horn is still better than only being able to say you took your clothes off for money.
Jon. Twenty-seven. Special-education teacher. He also seems normal and out of place.
Asian ho Lola. Twenty-six. Model/Actress. (Read: stripper/occasional whore.) Ooh, she tells us proudly that she is in Madonna's new video. Well, isn't that special. Ha. The contestant girls all look askance at the guys.
Finally, we get Sean. Twenty-three. Masseur. Everyone goes crazy over him. Yeah, he's really good-looking but if I'd known that women would automatically freak out over the fact of someone being a masseur, I would have signed up years ago. However, Sean ruins everything by "raising the roof" on his way back to his place. Didn't the "roof" officially collapse about three years ago?
Mark L. Walberg congratulates the hos on being able to say their names into a microphone. He then goes to the contestants and says, "Ooh, your faces are killing me." Yeah, the feeling is mutual, Mark. He then explains the first wrinkle: that the guys and girls can each send home one ho about whom they feel particularly nervous. The non-hos huddle to decide. Slo-mo deciding. Taheed looks up. ChiPs freeze. Fade to black.
Oh, poor Tim Robbins, not even being featured on the poster of Antitrust. I have a suspicion they should have called the movie Antigood. Oh no. In an Ally McBeal preview, Downey tells someone, "I can't do this again. It would be one time too many." He should have thought of that before he went into that hotel room at Thanksgiving.
The huddled guys. They want to pick a big black guy who one person calls, "Sisqo." Ha. They make a decision and sit back down. They whisper to Mark L. Walberg. He walks down the guys enigmatically, asking random questions, before giving it to a different big black guy, Ace. The bad dancer. Mark L. Walberg tells him to take it as a compliment. The girls can't believe they didn't get rid of the masseur. Yeah. I would have picked him too. Suckers. Ace walks off, triumphant, and disappears down the beach. Billy then tells us that the cheesy Ace distracted them from what they really should have been worried about, which is the masseur guy. Uh, yeah.
Now it's the ladies' turn. Mandy says she's worried about the bass player, because she knows she was chosen for Billy. The guys think the girls are going to get rid of the hot Asian chick. (Oh, they should kick of Mark L. Walberg. I wonder if they can do that.) The ladies finally decide. Mark L. Walberg asks the girls if the men should have picked Ace, and they say no. Mark L. Walberg then does his schtick again, before giving the boot to Yvonne, a light-skinned black woman. The girl hos all moan, because I guess they liked her. As the hos hug, Yahtzee says, "See you, later." Hee. Shannon then tells us that Yahtzee got a bad attitude-ish vibe the day before from Yvonne. That was nice of them. Dumb, but nice. At least now she can get to work on that aspiring VJ career a couple of weeks early.
So now Mark L. Walberg explains another wrinkle. Basically what the talky-talky comes down to is that each contestant gets to hand a bracelet, color-coded also to their mate, to one of the hos that makes them particularly nervous. Then, that ho won't be allowed to date their spouse. They can talk and mingle, but can't go out on the show-sanctioned "dates." They all like that. Especially Shannon, who knows already who to pick. Taheed is first. Yahtzee thinks she knows who he'll pick. Taheed gives the bracelet to Maceo, a short, black, musician. Yahtzee goes quickly to Venus, the short Asian-ish triathlete, who pouts. Mark L. Walberg says something stupid about her name being Venus and how she's blocked from "love" with Taheed. I hate Mark L. Walberg already. goes Kaya, who takes his sweet time strutting down the row of cute boys, checking them out. He finally hands his bracelet to masseur Sean. Sean shows his teeth and once again says that he is indeed a massage therapist, in case anyone forgot. Valerie gets to go , and she gives the stiff-arm to Megan, the hot kindergarten teacher / former Laker girl. Kaya tells Mark L. Walberg that Megan was a good "block." Liar. Billy is , and he heads to masseur Sean, dropping the bracelet in front of him. Dis! Mandy laughs uproariously as Mark L. Walberg plays up the fact that Billy punked him. Sean almost bends down to pick up the bracelet, but awkwardly stops himself and folds his massage-therapist arms. As Billy slaps hands with his compadres, Sean picks up the bracelet and says, "Don't hate the playa, hate the game." I should point out for clarification, that Sean is very white. What a dick. Really. Mark L. Walberg should kick him off the island just for being such a tool. But maybe it's hard for one total tool to recognize another.
Kaya tells us that he doesn't want someone else to massage his girlfriend, and Billy tells us that Sean is "smooth." I don't know. Everyone is still laughing and clapping about massages and Mandy laughs hugely, before taking the bracelet straight to the funky bassist Carla. Carla says, "What!?" genuinely surprised. Mandy, showing class that she probably hasn't displayed since 1987, hugs Carla as she blocks her, and says, "Sorry." Carla says, "Sucks!" and pouts. Mandy reiterates that Billy likes "funky" girls, as we see Carla still pouting, but really secretly happy that she'd be thought of as a threat. is l'il Andy. I hate Andy already, too. He tells us that for Shannon it is not so much a physical (yeah, obviously) as an emotional thing. He then gives the bracelet to Jon, the teacher of special children. Yes. He was the only real-seeming guy in the crowd. Andy shakes the guy's hand and I think it's nice gesture, but then Andy ruins it by twice saying, "She's a hot lady." Tool #3. Man, this island has more tools than Home Depot. Shannon tells someone that she would never have "picked" Jon. Oops. Finally, it's Shannon's turn. She blocks the real-estate agent Elizabeth. Good move. Andy laughs that he "knew it." The camera slides lecherously up Elizabeth's near-naked torso. Good camera work.
Mark L. Walberg tells the couples that they've had a big day with the picking and the booting and the blocking and that they can go relax and hang and that they'll gather for dinner. The couples walk off together, and we get the nineteenth shot of Mandy with her mouth open wide in a laugh. I'm sure that's not all her mouth will be wide in before the show is over. Billy winks to Carla, who pouts again. Mandy screeches out a laugh, as some woman gives a maneater stare at the departing couples. "I will wreck your relationships" is what she seems to be thinking. Really, I bet she's thinking, "I'm fucking freezing in this bikini. Can I change, yo?" Mark L. Walberg claps and says to no one, "Now the game is on, isn't it?" You fawning, attention-needing, shoulda-changed-your-name, failed stand-up douchebag. The hos clap at Mark L. Walberg's patheticness as we gets another slo-mo segment end, this time with Lola laughing. Me love commercials long time.
The crap-ass island house-y guitar-fueled music plays as Island Prettiness gives way to shots of the men's resort, where the guys hang out and drink with the girl hos. The women are sexy, yes, but the whole thing has that first-day-of-camp vibe, where everyone is a little shy and wary, but in this case that is also mixed with the embarrassment of having agreed to come on the show in the first place.
the ladies chat with the boy hos. Naturally, stripper "Mandy" is the most flirty, doing a weird hip-bump with her blocked masseur.
Three women talk to Billy, including the actual real human-being-seeming attorney, Britt. I've changed my mind about Carla in retrospect, by the way. I think she's probably insanely irritating with the "look at me with my pink hair and I'm a bassist and I'm all funky and watch me pout!" It's sad because the very normal-sized Britt actually looks kinda big to the stick Carla. Jesus, there is no way she's a bass player -- the instrument probably weighs more than her. She probably has to, like, rest it on something or sit down and play it all strummy-style. So now we get Elizabeth, the blocked girl, talking to Andy about how Shannon blocked her and how surprised she was, adding, "Nobody's ever not liked me in my entire life!" People smiling and laughing whenever you come by doesn't mean people necessary like you; they could just think you're a dolt. Andy is sitting on a hammock and wearing a shitty backwards hat and a shitty faded t-shirt for some, like, trucking company and he throws Elizabeth a line about how obviously Shannon thought she was the best looking girl out there and I hope he gets stung by a wasp or something. Shannon and Andy then tell us that they have rules in their relationship, and that if they want to kiss someone else, they should be allowed to. Billy and Mandy then talk about how they don't understand Andy and Shannon, and that they suspect that they've maybe done some "sharing" or brought other people into the relationship, and it's very amusing because Billy is talking about it with confusion and derision while you can see Mandy wishing Billy would agree to a little tag-teaming himself. In a changing room, where Kaya just happens to be hanging out, Billy is changing, and they talk about Andy busting moves on his blocked girl. I like Billy. He's sort of the only one I like on this whole island, and I'm sure he'll ruin it very quickly. Wait. I like that black dog too. That's two.
So Andy asks Shannon why she doesn't have a boyfriend, living in Manhattan and being so pretty. Seriously, he asks it like that. She answers, and she has one of those girl voices that isn't quite grounded; it's stuck somewhere in her nose, halfway between her daddy not loving her and the time Jeffrey Sprecher told her she was ugly right after he kissed her at the seventh-grade dance. So Elizabeth honks, "Well, I was in ROTC and I'm a tough cookie and I can play any sport, I can do anything, I'm very aggressive and I love to play games." And at this point I realize something. I don't tend to pick up women at bars. Not my thing. But often when I'm hanging with friends, I'll see cheesy guys chatting up cheesy girls and they seem to have so much to say and I always have wondered what are they talking about so intent and drunkclose. Well. This is it. This is what their conversations consist of. It's all so clear! Okay, to be fair, they probably also discuss culture, like how awesome Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood is and the symbolism of Wilson the volleyball in Cast Away.
Anyway, so night is falling and Taheed comes back to the dressing room, which turns out to be one of their huts, which is pretty nice, and tells the other two that girls swarmed him at the bar and that it's "pretty funny." All three stand there and nod their heads and agree that it is indeed "pretty funny." Taheed then says the girls are playing volleyball (see, it all comes back to volleyball) and Billy gets very excited and they head off and we get a riveting three-second slo-mo volleyball montage that consists of a girl ho hitting the ball into the net and then Taheed smiling. Man. It rivals Top Gun, that scene of sand court mastery.
Night. Island Prettiness. "Couples -- Last Dinner Together." Candles. Everyone is dressed up and they all sit down at a nice long table in a hut somewhere and in slo-mo we see Billy gallantly leading Mandy to her seat by the tip of her fingers and oh man, is he going to have his heart broken. So it's a nice dinner and -- oh, Mark L. Walberg ruins it by showing up. He says that this is "sort of like [their] last dinner," and um, well, isn't it exactly like their last dinner before they're all separated? Tool. I've decide the "L" in Mark L. Walberg stands for "lummox." So Mark L. Walberg sits down and says, "Thanks for joining me," and everyone hates him so no one answers until finally Taheed politely says, "Thanks for having us." He gives an awkward 2% smile. Hee. Mark L. Walberg says that the kids must be overwhelmed and everyone smiles and thinks, "tool." He then asks Valerie why she gave the bracelet to "red bikini girl." She blows off the question but then Billy says, about red bikini chick, "She's a smart girl." Silence. Valerie says something, then Mandy turns, stone-faced, to Billy and chirps, "Oh, is she?" Hee. Taheed then says that he talked to his banned pouty-Asian-y girl. Yahtzee is pissed and Fox makes the whole moment more awkward by cutting to Yahtzee looking down and everyone staring agape. He goes on to dig his hole deeper, talking about "women's intuition" and that "that" would be something he'd be interested in, "coversation-wise." "Right," helps Mark L. Walberg. Ha. We see Taheed earlier on the beach with his video camera, taping a shot of his blocked girl's butt. Hee. They all then discuss the possibility that, ironically, blocking someone makes them even more likely to bust a move with that person. Dickface Andy says that he thinks that's true even more for girls because, "Girls want what they can't have." Not Sinéad O'Connor. (Obscure joke. Never mind.) Billy agrees. So does Taheed. Andy then reveals that he talked for "over an hour" with Elizabeth and that she came over to him (we see this, in what looks like one of those fake 911 recreations on some Discovery Channel show) and the conversation "flowed" really easily and that she's "neat." Billy helpfully says that they were lying in a hammock together. Ha. Mark L. Walberg asks how that makes Shannon feel. "It bothers me a little," she says. She's afraid that she "opened a door" for Andy.
So now that the Tit started flowing, here comes a whole mess of Tat. Yahtzee says that she had a long talk with massage boy and that he's handsome and a gentleman and la la loo...that he shows "a respect for women that every woman would love." Music. Silence. Tension. I love this show. Mark L. Walberg stares creepily, using some Scientology eye-contact trick with Yahtzee, and then asks, "Is that a turn-on?" in a way that makes my skin crawl. "Big-time," she says. Valerie breaks the silence with an awkward laugh. Yahtzee goes on to say that yes, Taheed should be worried. Taheed shakes his head. "Break it down," says Mark L. Walberg. Someone hit him. Please. I think Mark L. Walberg realizes that no one likes him, so he says he's going to give them a little time to enjoy themselves and repeats about nine times in his irritating faux casual / chummy way, "Be right back, you guys." He leaves. Dinner montage. Talking. Talking. Laughing. Laughing. Mandy is very cute, even if she does give lap dances at Crazy Girls. Someone is drinking milk, it looks like. Mark L. Walberg comes back and no one pays him any mind and he has to ask for their attention. He says that dinner is over and it's time for the couples to say goodbye. Montage of Faked Looks of Shock. Mark L. Walberg says that they have "ten minutes," purposefully dropping his chum thing to remind the couples that Fox means serious business with this show and you better start doing some adulterous fucking in the few days or else it's Darva Congerville for you. Taheed seems unbothered with saying goodbye, and we go to commercials.
I feel very dirty. I just laughed at a joke in a The Drew Carey Show promo. I didn't mean to. It just slipped out. I'm weak from the Mark L. Walberg. It's not my fault. I don't think I could hate anything more than I hate those Carl's Jr. ads, "Don't bother me. I'm eating." I want to find the guy who does the voice-overs and take him by his oh-so-calculatedly anti-voice-over throat and just squeeze until he has to talk using a little box held up to his neck.
So Mark L. Walberg continues, saying that the couples knew this time was coming and to use their ten minutes wisely since they won't speak again for two weeks. So the music starts and the couples all cuddle. Except for Taheed and Yahtzee. She starts berating him with just what he is going to do on his dates, and he says he'll try to have fun, and she cries and says, "Yeah, right." Then Shannon tells Andy that she's more nervous that she thought she was going to be, and she's very cute, and she asks Andy if he's nervous, and he says no, and she obviously didn't want to hear that. Yahtzee goes on that she's never done anything, and Taheed has, and all the other couples watch as she storms off. Ouch. Two weeks to brood over that last fight. I kinda hate that the couples consist of three where the woman wants more from the man. But, then, at least we have Mandy. Mandy is sorta crying into Billy's shoulder, knowing that she's going to be cheating on him left and right within a few days, I'm sure. "You realize what we're about to do?" asks Billy. "It's huge." Mandy says, "I know." Oh. Sad. Sad Billy. Speaking of sad, we go outside where Yahtzee is crying alone in the dark. Maybe she's not alone because through her sobs she's saying that no matter how many women he has sex with, they'll never love him like she does. Ow. Sad. Sad sad. Everyone is sad. Now I'm sad. I'm supposed to be having fun with this show. I feel as sad as I did after every episode of The $treet, but of course that sad was for a very different reason. Taheed walks alone outside. Mandy cries. Kaya is shiny. Outside, Billy and Mandy hug. Hug. Taheed is on the boat alone. Andy creepily kisses Shannon and the boat takes the men away. Yahtzee cries.
"Men's Resort -- 30 Minutes Later," reads graphic. Ha. I see where this is going. Loud women. Frolicking. Two girl-hos play-fight in the water. The boys chat up the girls. I don't see Billy but...wait. At the bar there is some guy with a mustache. Huh? Some grip on a break? Weird. Kaya tells us that when they returned, they were greeted by all these girls ready to have a good time. Twelve drunk girls, and one key grip on coffee break. ["And a sitcom on the WB." -- Wing Chun] Taheed tells us that he's pissed that Yahtzee blew up at him right before their two-week break because she "can't get this back."
Ouch. We cut from the partying men to the women's side, where all three ladies are comforting Yahtzee. Hear that noise? That was one million women across America hitting their boyfriends and husbands. Yahtzee says that you only see what he wants to you to see, whatever that means. Shannon says that she doesn't believe that, but Yahtzee responds, "Well, your guy's never cheated on you." "Um..." say the producers as we cut to a shot of Andy frolicking with the women. Billy chats it up with Carla. Andy with someone else. Taheed with an unseen girl, all in slo-mo. And...that's it!
A graphic tells us that coming up are scenes from future episodes, but they tease the scenes with a bunch of scenes. Girl ho dinner party. Someone says they should all say who they're attracted to. A bunch of them say Billy. One blonde I don't remember says that "Billy is the whole package." we get crying sounds and a night shot of the dreadlocked guy doing a shot off Mandy's stomach. "Oh my god, Billy. I am so sorry!" weeps Mandy. Oh, we see that the four guys are on the beach at night watching a videotape of Mandy crying and saying she's sorry. Ooh, now we see Mandy kiss the rasta dude. "I don't think I want to watch the rest of that," says Billy, closing the portable video unit and suddenly, oddly looking exactly like Dr. Chilton in Silence of the Lambs. Poor guy. "This is the island of temptation," says Mark L. Walberg. "You guys willingly came here." Yes, true, but man, Billy -- punch him. Billy closes his eyes and then later tells us that things are way too real now. A drunk Mandy laughs and points to one of the man ho's naked, except for a leaf on his wiener. Finally, Yahtzee yells at Taheed under a tree. (When do they get to see each other?) She says that he expects her to be strong and believe everything he tells her. Commercials.
The Music of My Frozen Sneer. More Island Prettiness as a voice says, "week, on Temptation Island. "Things heat up as the dating begins." We see a montage of these "dates." Andy and a girl sit together in a hammock, Andy telling us that she is indeed a "temptation" for her. I think they get extra coconuts every time they use any form of the word "tempt." Are there any fashion consultants among the girl hos? Andy should date himself one of those, and real quick. Now Mandy dates, scuba diving and then hot tubbing. She tells us that she might never again get a chance to flirt with guys. Valerie says that she saw Kaya out on a date with a pretty girl (man, whoever he's with is indeed very, very pretty) and it made her sick. That's kinda cold, sending them on dates where they'll run into each other. "And reality sets in as the couples are introduced to the bonfire ritual." Yeah, the "reality" being that Temptation Island bit so hard off Survivor it left tooth marks. So there's a bonfire pit on each side of the island, I guess, where separately Mark L. Walberg tells them that they have a choice to make -- that they can chose to see or not see a videotape of "unedited highlights" of their mates dating. Everyone looks uncomfortable. Billy clutches his heart, seriously. Taheed, however, pumps his fist -- the first time that's been done since Arsenio's last show. Way to hold onto the dream, Taheed. Lord, Mandy's hair is up on her head in like ten crazy buns. She looks like a drawing of some old Aztec God. She-Ra, Goddess of Ten-Dollar Handjobs. "For some it's a relief, for others it's a painful experience." Mandy is crying, most likely for this reason: she knows she did bad things, and that if Billy sees it now, before they get off the island and back home and the show actually airs and she's had time to talk to him about it, he might go bust some revenge action. Reap. Sow.
Okay. Now the voice says, "And here are some scenes from future episodes of Temptation Island." Wait. We got a group of scenes before the commercials, and we just got scenes of the bonfire thing. Damn. They're teasing the fuck outta this shit. Weird -- so again we get the scenes that we got before the break. Girl ho dinner. Mandy crying. Billy shutting off the tape, looking like Chilton. Now different scenes. Ladies/Boy ho hot tubbing. The girls decide to "turn things up a notch," someone says. Billy grinds on a girl on the dance floor. Mandy again points out Penis Leaf Man. Yahtzee again yells at Taheed. Billy, on the beach at night, tells the camera crew to turn the camera off. "I'm serious. This is my life." Kaya says that he doesn't want to leave the island with any regrets, and we see him kissing someone. And...that's it.
Huh. So what have we learned here? Mandy is a ho and most likely semi-cheats, at least, on Billy. Billy is nice and cool. Taheed and Andy are fuckers. Kaya is fey, but kisses a girl at some point. Shannon is sweet but obviously broken somehow for being with Andy. Same thing with Yahtzee, even if she does secretly have a kid with Taheed. Valerie is boring. And Mark L. Walberg eats poo.
I think I love this show.