Surrender

Previously: This show got cancelled.

We open with the brilliant night skies of fake New York. Inside Jane's apartment, just beyond her screen-less open window, we see the sleeping Jane. Jane wears a lot of clothes to bed and doesn't really use her pillow. There's a knock at her door. Isn't it UselessNicki's job to answer the door in the middle of the night, wearing only her pajamas? Jane does it this time. Jane asks who it is. "Internal affairs. Open up." To me, this means Jane's somehow in trouble for her tax return. Jane -- a detective in the jungles of Manhattan -- only locks one of the three locks on her door. She opens the door to find a Suit and some cops. Nobody flashes a badge, though. "What's going on?" she asks. "Get dressed," he says. Ah, the motto for this show.

Casa Xena. Her maid answers the door. This time, the unfriendly Gene and his gang of cops (a gang of cops...is that normally a squad?) storm into the mansion. Xena runs down in her pajamas, silky robe trailing on the steps. "What is this?" Xena hisses. "I know my rights. You can't come in here like this." Xena struts down the stairs, making her boobies jiggle for all they're worth. The "other cop" at Jane's precinct holds up his warrant for Tarzan's arrest. "What do you mean?" Xena asks.

Shot of Tarzan "hiding" in some "bushes" "somewhere." There's a grumbling, groaning noise, not unlike the sound Lardass made before there was some serious pie spewage.

Gene looks around the mansion and orders, "Check upstairs."

Tarzan stops hiding behind that one frond. He sits upright.

"We have to talk," says the IA guy to Jane. "About what?" Jane asks. I don't think she's not asked a question so far this episode. "Michael Foster," IA Guy says, now following Jane into her apartment. He wants to know why Jane didn't tell them that Tarzan was alive. "That he murdered Detective Foster [sic]." He accuses Jane of covering up Mike's murder.

Xena stands, holding the warrant, mouth agape. The squad bounds up the stairs. Xena follows, asking the obvious: "Who the hell do you think you are, coming in here like this?" Um, the police? "Get out of my house!" Xena rages in an extreme close-up.

IA Guy tells Jane that they're picking up Tarzan right now. "No, you do that and someone's gonna get hurt," CluelessJane says, standing in strange lighting. She says they should let her bring Tarzan in. When she says it, she opens her eyes really wide to show how serious this all is. IA Guy is offscreen, but he's also very serious about how much trouble Jane is currently in. "Get dressed," he repeats.

The squad makes it to Xena's jungle. Ya think he might be in there, boys? Guns drawn, they point at every available vine and tree limb as jungle music fills our already wounded ears. I love the addition of the flute to the "tension." Xena flaps her arms in frustration. And Tarzan, who loves a good entrance, just jumps right into the middle of the cops, right to Gene. I want to recap all of the cops' ad-libs for you right now, in the order they're said, because they're fucking priceless. "What's that?" "There he is!" "Hey! We got 'im!" "Freeze!" I think they might have all been said by the same guy, too. Then Xena: "John!" Then that guy again: "We got 'im." Then Xena again: "John!" Xena has her hand out, because Tarzan suddenly doesn't understand guns, I guess. Tarzan's wearing even more clothes than usual, if that's possible. He stands there, looking over the group of men with guns. Xena asks him not to move. Gene tells Tarzan that he's under arrest for the murder of Michael Foster. Tarzan has no choice left but to give Gene a serious model pout. He's too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his shirt, so sexy it TAKE OFF THAT FUCKING SHIRT! "Get down," Gene says. Aw, yeah! Here we go! Now squeal like a pig, boy! Closed captioning is in the mood, too: "[guns cock]." Dirty! Xena's also ready for some hot action. "Just do it, John," she begs, breathless. Tarzan sucks on his lower lip. "Do what he says," Xena whispers. Do it. Take off the shirt. Do it! "Do it, John!" Yes, Xena. Yes, Tarzan. Do it. Take off the shirt. Look how much Gene wants you to do it. Get down and strip. "Please!" Gene nods. Tarzan does this weird Mr. Miyagi thing where he slowly lifts his left hand for no reason. A cop comes behind him and dead-legs him to the ground. He pins Tarzan's hand behind his back. Gene makes a grumpy face. He takes the cop's place and puts a handcuff on Tarzan's left hand. Tarzan grunts and stares at Xena. Okay! Boy on his knees. Handcuffs. I think we got ourselves a party, y'all.

Suddenly, Tarzan whips around and attacks Gene. Dammit, Tarzan! You ruin everything! Tarzan climbs the walls, using one of the cops as a ladder. "He's moving!" Xena keeps calling Tarzan's name, and the cops continue to be bewildered as Tarzan leaps to the top of the greenhouse. Then, for no reason at all, Tarzan leaps back in again and knocks the gun out of Gene's hand. Then he punches Gene in the face. Gene flies back, and Tarzan disappears into a pile of plants about as thick as the gang of houseplants currently hanging out over my left shoulder. Gene touches the blood pouring from the gash on his face. "Get him!" he shouts. More bewildered cop gun-pointing. Then Tarzan leaps out of nowhere again and knocks down a cop. Tarzan flips and kicks another cop in the face. "John!" says Xena again. Nobody shoots Tarzan, even though all guns are drawn and aimed at Tarzan. It's not until Tarzan leaps again, just out of reach, that Gene shoots his gun, firing a bullet that must have landed in the brain of some poor tenant in Xena's building. Gene shoots some more, but Tarzan's using his Superman-given talent to fly through the air, diving into a pane of glass and disappearing, seemingly in mid-air, twenty stories up. So he can fly and he can disappear. Why can't Tarzan build himself a hut and get the hell away from these people? The only superpower Tarzan wasn't given was the power to create compelling storylines. The cops actually look at each other in a take before running to the open window and staring down at nothing, supplying one of the required shots on this show. The streets are empty, like all New York City streets are at night. Gene radios in that the suspect is on the run. Gene's partner turns to leave, and then stops and gives the most stilted arm-pat to Gene's shoulder that I've ever seen. Gene's too busy fuming to notice, so the partner runs off. Gene follows, cursing. Xena then walks up to the window. Once more, for good measure, Xena leans out the window, looking for the seemingly-vanished Tarzan. You guys? Look up. Tarzan's always on the roof, not the street. Man. Even I know that. Xena is alarmed to find blood dripping down one of the broken shards of glass on the window, and as in all crappy television show moments, she must touch the blood with hesitant fingers and hold it up to examine it. Xena looks out, breathless and sexy, until the opening credits ruin any hotness this show might have pulled off.

12th precinct. Interrogation room. A fake Eric Roberts is giving Jane the rundown of all the crimes she's committed: obstruction of justice, aiding and abetting, and accessory to murder. He says he's never seen "anything close to this" in all his ten years. He hasn't seen that many cases, I guess. Erik Robbertz asks Jane to tell her story, since she thinks it wasn't murder. The lieutenant tells Jane to wait for an attorney. "You know what?" Jane says. "I don't care." She says she's telling the truth. Jane does a lot of blinking, and then once again recaps the same story we've been hearing every episode since the pilot. We even get to see it at the top of every show. We've moved on. Why can't they? Erik Robbertz says that the witness has a different story. "Oh, well, then your witness is lying," says Jane. Erik tells Jane that the witness said he talked to Jane. "Wait, are you talking about Donald Ingram?" Jane asks. The lieutenant gives Jane another warning, by saying her first name. Jane says she didn't coerce Ingram, but simply interviewed him. The lieutenant calls off this interrogation until Jane can get a lawyer. He asks Erik Robbertz to give them a minute alone.

I guess Tarzan's been hobbling and bleeding all over New York City for about twelve hours. The timeline here is beyond confusing, since Jane should have had that last conversation in the middle of the night, or else they kept her in a cell until the morning. Anyway, Tarzan's hurt, and bleeding profusely, so he hobbles across the completely empty street (avoiding the negligent cops) until he finds a bush in some kind of park, where he touches his thigh. Damn, the most skin we see on Tarzan this episode, and it's covered in blood.

Jane repeats that Ingram is lying, and deduces that Clayton got him to lie. But as far as she knew in the last episode, Ingram told Clayton the truth. Why wouldn't she tell the lieutenant to ask Clayton? She says that even Michael was working for Clayton. The lieutenant interrupts, "Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth?" Hee. That's the best line this show has ever had. I love how this episode's subtext is about the cancellation of the series. He asks Jane why she didn't bring Tarzan -- or, as he calls him, "the kid" -- in. Jane says he's not exactly the type of "kid" you can bring in, since he loses his temper all the time. Plus, he did get brought in before (this show operates on the assumption that absolutely nobody watched the pilot). Jane says she thought she had it under control. What? When? "Guess what?" the lieutenant asks. "I know. I was wrong," Jane says. Amazing. "I made a mistake. And John is innocent. And if we don't do something, he's going to die." Really? How? What brought her to that conclusion?

Tarzan rips the bottom of his shirt and uses it to tie a knot above his thigh, Punky Brewster-style. The music swells to a dramatic finish as Tarzan yanks the knot. Lordy, this show is bad.

The lieutenant suspends Jane and takes her badge and gun. Finally, the streets of fake New York City are safe again. Jane blinks a few times and then removes her badge and gun, showing just enough of that tummy that made her so respected on the force.

Sam and Jane wander through the streets. Sam complains that he doesn't want a new partner. "I am really sorry, Sam," Jane says. "I didn't mean to do this to you." She then immediately follows this act of kindness with a request for a favor, because she's Jane. She wants to know where the DA is holding Ingram. She says that she has to talk to Ingram and find out the truth. Sam shouts "Stop" and then "No" and then "Jane" and then says all three of the words over and over in random order. "This is crazy," he says. "You're acting reckless and you're acting insane." Well maybe it's a good thing she's not your partner anymore. He tells her to be reasonable. Jane whines that she's sick of people telling her to be reasonable. Maybe if you didn't run the streets with an escaped monkey-man, breaking laws willy-nilly, then people wouldn't offer their opinions so often. Sam reminds Jane that she could be convicted for this. He asks if Jane really wants to throw her life away for this guy. "You know what?" Jane asks. "John's innocent." Everybody get ready to hurl. "I don't mean 'not guilty.' I mean he's innocent. He is...he's so pure and he's completely uncorrupted. I don't even have words for what else he is, Sam --" Because the writers have run out of ideas after the words "wild" and "dangerous" and "innocent" -- "because I've never met anyone like that. I don't care how much trouble I'm in. I don't care what laws I've broken. I'm gonna save his life. Because that's the right thing to do." Along with eating oatmeal. "And in my mind -- badge or no badge -- that makes it my job." Actually, without the badge, it's not really your job at all. And try to follow this logic as Jane points a finger at Sam: "That makes it your job, too." Sam doesn't say anything for .03 seconds, so Jane huffs and sarcastically thanks him for his help. She walks off. And then, because she's a scorned female, she breaks into a run. Keep running, Jane! Never look back!

Night. Fake Matchbox cars ride down a tiny street. Bad music plays. Jane enters the only rooftop in all of New York City. She calls Tarzan's name a few times and checks a few places. And of course, he's there, right when she's turned around. "Jane," he says. Jane smiles. "Hey," she says. Jane finds Tarzan and curls up to him. He touches her and smiles. They flirt. Jane uncuffs his handcuffs. (Does one key work on every set of cuffs? Seems to be a dumb idea.) Jane notices Tarzan's leg gash. "John, what happened?" she asks. It's hard to hear them over the incredibly loud, remarkably shitty music. Tarzan says that the cops came. Jane tells him he's bleeding, and digs her hand into the cut on his leg. Tarzan winces and sucks in some air. Then he leans in and almost kisses her. Ah, bloody wounds, bringing the kids together.

Dr. Ben's place. Jane promises Tarzan that she'll come check up on him first thing in the morning. Good. Nobody will follow you if you keep going back to where the cops are staking you. ['Pamie, come on. How the hell is Jane supposed to know how the cops operate?" -- Wing Chun] Jane asks Tarzan to promise he'll stay at the doctor's house. He promises. He touches her cheek. "You're tired," he says, trying to pull her face closer to his. "I'm fine," Jane says, stroking his arm. "And, John...I'm not gonna quit on this. All right? I'm gonna keep fighting. Let me try to save you for once." I vomit all over my lap. The music, the lighting, the writing, the ridiculousness of it all, it's just too much. I can't believe that there are another two episodes of this! Jane doesn't kiss Tarzan goodbye. You could cut the sexual tension in here with a seriously high-powered chainsaw!

Making sure we don't miss one second of this almost real-time episode, Jane gets out of a cab in front of her apartment. She crosses the empty street to find Gene leaning against a car, waiting for her. Gene tells Jane he's in the neighborhood staking out a suspect. In an amazing feat of stupidity, Jane looks around the street, as if she can't figure out who the suspect is that watched her boyfriend get murdered by an ape. And if she's being facetious, she needs to look that facial expression up in the acting dictionary. Gene gets up in Jane's face and tells her to stay out of his way when he finds Tarzan. Jane laughs and tells him to leave her alone. "There's gonna be justice here," Gene thugs. "Mike deserved it!" He then gives Jane's shoulder a thwack with his own as he passes her on the street. Then it's all over but the blinkin'.

Greystoke. Xena storms into Clayton's office. She sits and asks him why he's doing this. She tosses a book onto Clayton's desk. It's a proposal, signing over her third of Greystoke if Clayton promises to leave Tarzan alone, call off this case, and let Tarzan keep his third of the business. Xena flirts something a-fierce. Clayton says no. See, after this all goes down, once Xena has been implicated in Michael's murder, it's going to be pretty easy for Clayton to walk away with the entire business. Like how I started that sentence with "See"? I'm pretending I write dialogue for this show. You know what's great about this show? It's directed exactly like a high-school play. When someone needs to do some "business," he goes over to a "bar" and pours himself a "drink" that he never actually drinks. Or she stands at the top of some stairs, awed at what she's watching. Or they stand incredibly close to each other, over-acting their hearts out. Xena and Clayton get close enough to kiss. "Oh, Richard. This is extreme, even for you," Xena moans. Clayton says he begged Xena and Jane to let Tarzan be contained and rehabilitated: "But you wouldn't listen to me. You didn't give me any other choice." Xena smiles the smile of a woman who owns a Hitachi Wand, and hisses, "I won't let you do this. And I don't care if I have to tear this company apart to stop you." Kiss him! Kiss him! "Do whatever you have to do," Clayton whispers. Kiss her! Dammit. Xena leaves. "[door slams]." Stay tuned for scenes from week's Minute with Mitch Pileggi™.

Cue the rain! Greystoke. Night. Clayton pretends to browse his library. He's still wearing the same outfit, even though days have passed. Wet, pouty Tarzan enters through some glass doors to the sound of "tribal" music. "John, you surprised me," Clayton says, smiling and flirting. This whole family has the hots for each other. "What are you here for?" Clayton asks. "The man you took," Tarzan says. "Let him go." Clayton says that Ingram is in good hands. "Why do you hurt people?" Tarzan asks, walking up to Clayton. Why does anybody hurt people, Tarzan? Sometimes this things just happen. Tarzan walks back and forth, the tears starting to show the more he bares his lower teeth. As he rocks back and forth, side to side, Clayton says that Tarzan's done nothing but cause Jane trouble: "You caused the death of her friend." Friend, fiance, whatever. Tarzan kiwis, "I keep 'er safe!" Clayton tells Tarzan that he makes Jane miserable. Tarzan screams that this is Clayton's fault. Why doesn't Clayton call in his men with flashlights and his goons? Clayton tells Tarzan that it's too late -- that Clayton tried to help Tarzan, but Tarzan spit in Clayton's face. No, Clayton, that mean love in gorilla speak, don't you know that? There is much panting and baring of the teeth as Clayton makes the wise move to turn his back on Tarzan, who almost jumps him, but stops himself because that might make the show interesting or entertaining for a second. Clayton tells Tarzan to learn the saying, "You make your bed and you lie in it." Tarzan makes a panther noise and grabs Clayton by the collar. He shoves Clayton to the wall. Clayton tells Tarzan to go ahead and kill him. Kill him or fuck him! Do it! Do it! "You're an animal." Do it! "You need to be caged." Yes! Tarzan drops Clayton. Emotionally destroyed, he flips his wet hair and leaves. So much for catching Tarzan, Clayton. We close our MWMP with Clayton gasping for breath. So much panting on this show.

Xena's doing some writing, catching up with her pen pals on crap syndication shows, wondering if any of them might have a guest spot for her. She opens her door and finds nothing. She turns back around to find Tarzan standing in her room, making a face that says, "Heeeeere's Johnny!" "John!" she says. "How'd you get in here?" The window? Like ALWAYS? Xena asks what's going on, and whether he's all right. I cannot stop laughing at this horrible dialogue. Tarzan says he wants to go home. "You are home," Xena says. Tarzan can't hide his accent as he destroys something and says, "Naught dis house! Naught dis city!" He smiles and gets real close. "My home. Home." Xena stares, and I get excited because this episode is almost over. Commercial.

Xena stops drinking her tea to take a cell-phone call. She's got people working for her at all hours, doesn't she? It's Jane on the phone. Never mind all the wiretapping, I guess. Jane asks Xena if she's seen Tarzan. "Yeah, I have," Xena says. She tells Jane that she's put Tarzan on a plane back to the Republic of Congo so that he can find his jungle once again: "He's going home." Jane asks how Xena could let Tarzan leave. Xena says he wanted to go. She thanks Jane for what she did for Tarzan: "Because of you I got to know him again. Only for a little while. I hope this won't be goodbye." Xena totally digs Jane.

Jane says, "Sam, John's leaving. For good. Why would he do that?" Sam tells her that this is the right thing. Jane: "For who [sic]?" Sam: "For you, Jane. For both of you. Come on. It makes the most sense." It certainly does. Ship him back to the Congo and end this show. Wouldn't that be awesome, if they re-cut it that way because they were cancelled, as if Tarzan just swooped in here for six weeks and then went home? That would be so awesome. It was all a dream! Jane -- who can't go three seconds without guilting someone into a favor -- says, "I need you to be my friend right now. I need you to help me."

Sam taunts the two worthless cops staking out Jane's apartment (one of whom is that guy who's working for Clayton and has no name) while Jane slips out behind him, running off to go stop Tarzan from making the smartest decision of his life.

At the precinct, working really late, Carey brings Gene the news he heard from Sam's cell phone. He tells Gene that Tarzan's fixing to leave the country on a jet plane. Carey asks if he should tell the Lieu, but Gene's too dirty to do things by the book. We spend a long time with Carey here, watching him "think," and then forgetting him instantly.

Airstrip. Jane's taxi pulls up. She runs through the fence, which isn't locked. "John!" she shouts. She runs up to the jet. Tarzan -- in another outfit entirely -- stops. "I heard you were leaving," Jane says. "I had to see you." "Why?" Tarzan asks. They then ask each other a few questions back and forth. Casablanca, this shit ain't. And here's where Jane's not talking to Tarzan, but instead to us. "How could you give up? There's so much hope. There's so many things we haven't tried." "Let me go," Tarzan says along with us. He walks to the jet. "So that's it?" Jane asks. LET US GO, JANE. "You're just gonna leave without saying goodbye?" Tarzan walks back to Jane, sparking truly wretched music, and gives Jane a serious hug. Like, total first-base touching, here. Wow. Hot! Jane and Tarzan sniff each other as the jet makes that sound jets make when they want to leave. Still no kissing, but Tarzan tries to cry. "Goodbye," he says, and walks backward to the plane.

Jane turns around, crying, and sees a car approach. She runs to it. It's Gene. Jane tries to block him from going past the fence. He tells her she's "obstructing justice," which is the name of my fifth album. Jane tells Gene she just wants to kill Tarzan. Gene pushes Jane out of the way. She gets in front of him again and taunts him. The jet takes off. And then Gene proceeds to beat the living shit out of Jane, punching her and kicking her in the stomach over and over again, kicking her head. "He got away on that damn plane!" Gene screams. "He got away! It's your fault! It's your fault!" He then begins punching Jane in the face over and over again. I know you think I'm kidding, but I'm not. This isn't just our fantasy spilling over into a recap. Gene beats Jane up using our anger, all of our outrage that she's such a shitty cop, that she needs a man to save her every time, that she's let people die because of her precious monkey-boy. And then, like always, because Jane's got ovaries, Tarzan swoops in and protects her. My disappointment that he didn't get on that plane cannot be contained. Tarzan beats everybody up in that way he does where they all disappear somehow (except for Gene, whom he might have killed). Tarzan then crawls over to Jane, teary-eyed and shivering. Jane is on the ground. Tarzan beats the pavement and then brushes back Jane's hair. He picks her up, severing her spine, and carries her back...toward the airstrip? Are they going to catch the jet? Tarzan carries Jane into the darkness.

week: Tuck Everlasting meets Predator.