By Pamie
Recently the "A" key has worn off of my laptop keyboard. I blame Tarzan, with its repeated uses of the word "Jane" and the fact that Tarzan has yet to be called by his jungle-given name.
We open with Tarzan perched on the roof of his jungle. He's peaceful, waiting for the time he'll jump just behind Jane. His meditation is interrupted by Xena, who says, of course, "John?" Then: "Something's wrong, isn't it?" She informs us that Tarzan hasn't seen "Jane Porter" in a while. She asks if his mood has something to do with Jane. Tarzan blinks. "She doesn't want to see me," he says. Xena: "She said that?" Tarzan: "No." Except, yeah. "When I'm with her," Tarzan says, "She's sad." Xena says that Jane wouldn't have gone though all of this trouble if she didn't have feelings for Tarzan. "Then why do I make her unhappy?" Tarzan asks. Xena says that people can feel two things at once: "Even opposite things." I love that Xena flirts openly with Tarzan. Tarzan says he can only feel one thing. That's called "limited range," Travis.
Jane's playing cop down a deserted alley, holding her gun low as she rounds a corner. Jane backs herself into a dead end, as she likes to do, and flails her gun around this way and that. No partner, no backup. That's how Jane likes to play the damsel card. The closed-captioning, my best friend, says, ["Ugh!"] when the "Bad Guy" whacks Jane across the back with a 2 x 4. People on this show are eerily resistant to painful stimuli. Jane falls and drops her gun. But luckily the Bad Guy (note the Bad Guy Do-Rag) stands over Jane and waits for her to grab her gun again. Just as she's about to reach it, he hits her again. Jane flies through the air and into the required trash bags waiting to soften the blow. Jane has fallen against a dumpster, and if you'd like to call backup for Jane, the number on the dumpster reads "1-800-555-0011." It's apparently for the New York City Sanitation Department. Jane pushes herself up against the dumpster and faces the Bad Guy. This is when he pulls out his Bad Guy Switchblade! Duh-dun-dunnnnnnh! Nice manicure, Bad Guy. Jane pants, and searches the rooftops for her knight in shining J. Crew. But nothing. So Jane stands up and charges the Bad Guy herself. "[Grunting.]" Struggling. Flinging. Jane falls into a pile of traffic barrels that happen to be set up; she tosses one at Bad Guy, to no avail. In fact, when he catches the barrel, instead of hurling it back at Jane's head, he throws it out of their way so she has time to stand up. Not the sharpest Bad Guy in the tack shack. Jane picks up an empty, unbroken wine bottle and smashes it over Bad Guy's head. Then -- as the Bad Guy dances the Bad Guy Woozy Swerve -- Jane starts kicking the man's ass. She knees him three times until he hits the ground. Enter Sam, right on cue, impressed that Jane did that all by herself. He even looks around for Tarzan. Jane wipes the "blood" from her lip and unconvincingly says that she did it all by herself. Jane's employee review is going to look mighty strange.