Recently the "A" key has worn off of my laptop keyboard. I blame Tarzan, with its repeated uses of the word "Jane" and the fact that Tarzan has yet to be called by his jungle-given name.
We open with Tarzan perched on the roof of his jungle. He's peaceful, waiting for the time he'll jump just behind Jane. His meditation is interrupted by Xena, who says, of course, "John?" Then: "Something's wrong, isn't it?" She informs us that Tarzan hasn't seen "Jane Porter" in a while. She asks if his mood has something to do with Jane. Tarzan blinks. "She doesn't want to see me," he says. Xena: "She said that?" Tarzan: "No." Except, yeah. "When I'm with her," Tarzan says, "She's sad." Xena says that Jane wouldn't have gone though all of this trouble if she didn't have feelings for Tarzan. "Then why do I make her unhappy?" Tarzan asks. Xena says that people can feel two things at once: "Even opposite things." I love that Xena flirts openly with Tarzan. Tarzan says he can only feel one thing. That's called "limited range," Travis.
Jane's playing cop down a deserted alley, holding her gun low as she rounds a corner. Jane backs herself into a dead end, as she likes to do, and flails her gun around this way and that. No partner, no backup. That's how Jane likes to play the damsel card. The closed-captioning, my best friend, says, ["Ugh!"] when the "Bad Guy" whacks Jane across the back with a 2 x 4. People on this show are eerily resistant to painful stimuli. Jane falls and drops her gun. But luckily the Bad Guy (note the Bad Guy Do-Rag) stands over Jane and waits for her to grab her gun again. Just as she's about to reach it, he hits her again. Jane flies through the air and into the required trash bags waiting to soften the blow. Jane has fallen against a dumpster, and if you'd like to call backup for Jane, the number on the dumpster reads "1-800-555-0011." It's apparently for the New York City Sanitation Department. Jane pushes herself up against the dumpster and faces the Bad Guy. This is when he pulls out his Bad Guy Switchblade! Duh-dun-dunnnnnnh! Nice manicure, Bad Guy. Jane pants, and searches the rooftops for her knight in shining J. Crew. But nothing. So Jane stands up and charges the Bad Guy herself. "[Grunting.]" Struggling. Flinging. Jane falls into a pile of traffic barrels that happen to be set up; she tosses one at Bad Guy, to no avail. In fact, when he catches the barrel, instead of hurling it back at Jane's head, he throws it out of their way so she has time to stand up. Not the sharpest Bad Guy in the tack shack. Jane picks up an empty, unbroken wine bottle and smashes it over Bad Guy's head. Then -- as the Bad Guy dances the Bad Guy Woozy Swerve -- Jane starts kicking the man's ass. She knees him three times until he hits the ground. Enter Sam, right on cue, impressed that Jane did that all by herself. He even looks around for Tarzan. Jane wipes the "blood" from her lip and unconvincingly says that she did it all by herself. Jane's employee review is going to look mighty strange.
"Later." Sam teases Jane for missing Tarzan. Sam says that this is what Jane wanted: "You told him, 'Stay away, stay away, stay away.'" Can we get that in writing and sent over to Xena, please? Sam likes to repeat himself a lot this episode. Jane says, "Look, Sam..." And then proceeds to explain that everything about Tarzan was full of danger and excitement and now she's missing the adrenaline rush. Maybe you could drop a few more fiancés off of a roof, if you're really missing the hot action. Sam grabs Jane's arm so that they don't miss their mark and stops her from screwing up the shot. He tells her to go bungee-jumping, if she wants excitement. He makes her promise to stay away from "John Clayton." But he didn't say she had to stay away from...Tarzan. Jane's cell phone rings, and as she digs out her phone, she grumbles, "Who is this?" It's time for the first half installment of your Minute with Mitch Pileggi™! Jane asks him how he got her cell-phone number. "I need to see you," says Clayton. "No," Jane says. "I'm busy." It's very frustrating to watch our first half of the MWMP, because we're having to see a reflection of Clayton in a glass library case. He tells Jane that he's spoken with Donald Ingram, the witness to Michael's death. Clayton makes sure to use everybody's full names when recapping what Ingram saw, ever hopeful that this show is gaining in audience. If that's the case, they may want to explain why the word "Tarzan" is never used in this show. "When can you come by?" he asks Jane, who blinks her way to the opening credits.
When can Jane come by? Faster than she can break a promise! Greystoke Industries. Clayton tells Jane that Ingram's account is a good sign for Tarzan. He says the fact that Tarzan tried to save "Michael Foster" (remember when everyone just called him "Mike"?), it means he's got more human instincts (or "humanity") than they figured: "It means maybe we can civilize him." Clayton asks why she won't bring Ingram forward. "I'm trying to protect John," Jane says. "From other cops. Prison. You." Burn, Jane. Burn. Clayton smiles and says that Jane could lose her shield over that. Jane says, "Look. If this is some kind of blackmail attempt? You can forget it." Today's secret word is "Look." I'll italicize them from now on so that you can keep count. Clayton says he doesn't want to blackmail her: "I'm impressed with you." Jane's busy doing soap-opera blocking: her back is turned away as Clayton talks so that she can do a haughty spin toward Clayton to ask indignantly, "What?" Clayton stands: "You did what needed to be done. John shouldn't be mixed up in a cop's death. It's an unpredictable situation. There's too many wild cards." Again, I ask: What? Who's a wild card? What unpredictable situation? Are they still talking about Tarzan? Am I still watching Tarzan? Clayton gets a flirty smile and says, "You know, you and me, we're starting to think the same way." Jane clenches her jaw, frowns, and says, "No, we're not." I wish they'd put Mitch Pileggi back in his relaxed khakis and black knit tops. He looked awesome. "Why can't we work together?" Clayton whispers. "John trusts you." He tells Jane to convince Tarzan to come back to his cage to work on his people skills. Jane shakes her head. "No," she says. Clayton interrupts: "All right. I admit. Mistakes were made." Hit it, closed-captioning: "[chuckles]." Clayton's got some Manson Lamps going as he stares Jane down and continues: "But I love John." Ho. Yay! "I just want to help him be the man that he's meant to be." Me too. It starts by having him take off his shirt. He's meant to be the naked man on The WB! Jane, for clarification, asks what that is. "A Clayton," responds Clayton, jaw clenched. Well, if you insist. Take off your shirt, Mitch Pileggi! Blink. Blink, blink. Blink. Clayton pulls Tarzan's necklace out of a box, and says, "He was wearing this when I found him." Have they forgotten we know all about the necklace, including the picture in the locket? I guess so, because Jane looks at it like she doesn't know what it is. "It was his mother's," Clayton says. "I think it's all he had to remind him of where he came from." Remember when Jane gave it to you IN THE PILOT? It's not like we're on the fifth episode, here. Anyway, Jane, awesome detective that she is, just takes the necklace and apparently hands it to Tarzan, not wondering why Clayton would ask her to deliver something for Tarzan to keep on his person. Blink, blink. Jane leaves. Blink.
Jane's apartment. Before she's even entered the living room, she's asking UselessNicki if she's okay. She can't even see Nicki's face, since Nicki's blocked soap-operatically. "Yeah," Nicki pouts. "What's wrong?" Jane asks anyway. Nicki says that it's not her, but a friend. "You remember Darcy?" Jane pretends not to for a second: "Darcy...Yeah, yeah, yeah! She's a painter." "Photographer," Nicki corrects with an eye-roll. Jane apologizes. Nicki says she hasn't seen Darcy in four days. She calls, but Darcy doesn't answer her phone: "I'm starting to get worried." Jane asks if Darcy has ever done anything like this before. Nicki says that Darcy will hole up for midterms, but not like this. Nicki doesn't have Darcy's parents' information, since she's "from Ohio somewhere." Oh, that old place. Nicki sighs and says she's probably being stupid and that Darcy is probably fine. Jane agrees, strokes Nicki's head, and says she'll go check it out. Nicki thanks her. "[Chuckles.]" Jane kisses Nicki on the forehead. I guess Jane doesn't have real work to do that she's paid for by the city.
"[telephone ringing in the distance]." We're at the precinct, and Jane is the slowest dialer I've ever seen. Sam walks in and casually asks, "So, was this Darcy girl at her dorm?" She's got a dorm? I'm only asking because I've seen the rest of this episode already, and she totally doesn't have a dorm. She has an apartment. Jane says that nobody had seen Darcy at her dorm for a while, but that she got Darcy's voicemail code from the college. I hope she had a search warrant for that, or Darcy's got a nice lawsuit. The voicemail: "Hey. Darcy. It's Gary. Uh, I don't know why you're not returning my calls." The stage directions for Gary must read "[Like a meth addict.]" Gary: "Uh, I'm gonna come over there. Right now. And we're gonna have a great time. Okay? Look, we had a plan. And you are not gonna break this plan, you understand me? I'm coming over there right now, Darcy, and you'd better open the door." Jane and Sam finally conclude that they might need some help on this one.
"[telephone ringing in the distance]." That's how we know that time has passed. Enough time for someone to have made a Missing poster for Darcy. Hey, someone might want to tell Darcy's parents that they've filed a Missing Persons report. Perhaps they might want to be involved in the...what? Stay out of your case, you say? Okay. Have fun, you crazy cops. Jane scrutinizes the poster for a second and then says, "Yeah, send it out. Thanks." She hands it to Unknown Cop #49. Somehow, they know what Darcy was last seen wearing. Sam walks over and says that there's nobody matching Darcy at "The Hospital" (y'all know the one) and now it's time to check the morgues. Maybe they should have done that before the Missing Persons report? Jane shivers and blinks ten times because she doesn't like having to deal with people, dead or missing. Then someone delivers my favorite line on all of these cop shows: "Detectives? You should see this." They've hacked into Darcy's email account. They're lucky Darcy uses something like Hotmail, because they couldn't have read all of my old mail. Her inbox shows that the only person Darcy gets email from is someone with the email address "RAPTOR@Wexton." I don't know about you, but this shit would get flagged as spam immediately and then deleted. That's not an email address, for one, and secondly, don't use all-caps for your username. It makes me hate you. Anyway, this "stalker" has only emailed Darcy ten times, and we can see that Darcy has replied to four of those messages. "Big Day" is the first subject line. Then "Tell me more." Which Darcy did. Then "Photography?" Then "dining, dancing, art." Darcy wrote back to that one. "something special" she didn't, nor "not on a school night," "havin fun?," or "can't help it." But she did write back after "just a note." And I know you can all guess the subject line of the last email. Say it with me: "Hey." We can see the body of the email "just a note." It was "Dear Darcy, though [sic] I would send a little note to say 'hi.'" Sam asks to see "the last one," but instead, they open the first one with "Big Day." Sam reads with much enthusiasm: "Dear Darcy, just got your picture in the mail. You're beautiful. Can't wait to meet you tomorrow. In person." Well, if Darcy's fool enough to send a photo, the girl totally had it coming. And also: so far, it doesn't seem that Gary has done anything wrong. "That was a week ago Tuesday," says Unnamed Cop #92. "She hasn't used her computer since." Uh huh. Sam asks for "an email trace on this Raptor guy ASAP." #92 says it's going to take a while. Sam and Jane stare at each other as Jane shakes her head. I bet someone's got a gut feeling about something!
Fancy Xena house. "John?" Way to stay away, Jane. She wanders through the jungle. "Are you here?" Somewhere, a dove coos. Pan up to Tarzan on an upper ledge, staring down at Jane. "Why are you here?" he asks. Jane hands him his necklace. Actually, she slowly raises the necklace as we follow it up and then focus on her face instead. It's called "being dramatic." Tarzan leaps up and swings over Jane. Jane turns and gasps, beaming. She holds out the necklace, and Tarzan does a backward fall, flipping to his feet. He exhales. He takes the necklace and asks Jane where she got it. I guess I'm the only one who saw the pilot. Hey, what happened to all of Clayton's flashlight guys -- the ones who swooped in on helicopters who shot Tarzan up and took him to his cage three times an episode? They'd come in handy these days. "Your uncle," Jane says. "But he wants to hurt me," Tarzan says. Jane makes like a Budweiser ad: "True." She adds that Clayton deep down also cares about Tarzan. Jeez, this girl will believe any line of bullshit thrown her way. Tarzan puts on his necklace and fingers it, but he doesn't open the locket. He shows his bottom teeth and makes the ugly face. He thanks her and walks away. "Um, John?" Jane says. Tarzan barely turns around, just like a good soap actor does. "Look, I, um...." Jane stammers. "I know that I told you to stay here, hidden and everything...." Blink, blink, blink, blink. "And that's right, but if you wanted to just come by every once in a while so that I know you're safe." Jane's such an ape-tease. Tarzan asks if she wants him to stay there or not. Jane stammers around until her cell phone rings. "Porter," she answers, all nervous and breathy. Doesn't this girl have Caller ID? It's Sam, asking where she is. Jane lies to her partner again, and says that she's out eating lunch. Sam practically runs through the precinct saying they've tracked down the owner of the email address, and now they have a warrant. "You coming?" he asks. Jane simply hangs up her phone. She spins around to Tarzan and says she has to go. Tarzan walks deeper into his jungle.
A car zooms by some shitty apartments. I turn on the episode here at a party while we're waiting for food to show up because my friends don't believe me that the show I recap is quite this shitacular. From one glance at Jane, they all moan, "Oh, no!"
Jane knocks on a glass door. "Gary Lange! NYPD! Open up!" Nothing. Sam and Jane turn to look at the landlord, and give him the go-ahead. The landlord unlocks the door. Quick shot of Sam's silhouette as he aims his gun at the door. They enter, guns drawn, and case the empty loft. "NYPD! NYPD!" shouts Sam. Nothing. Empty. "Where you at, Gary? You in here? Huh? Huh?" Yes, Sam is taunting the suspect, and giving away his location. Nice partner work there, too. Anyway, they decide that the room is clear, and put away their guns. Then a girl enters, holding shopping bags. "Excuse me?" she asks. It's Darcy. Darcy walks into the middle of the room, silently. Jane sighs. Darcy says she's so embarrassed.
"You thought that I was kidnapped?" Darcy's asking this "later," sitting at a table with Jane in one of the rooms. So, wait. Is this actually Darcy's apartment? Then what the fuck? And if Darcy lives in the dorms...but this is...where's....shit. Never mind. Jane says they thought she might be dead. Sam just now decides to ask who the guy is. "That's Gary," Darcy says. "We've been talking and IM-ing for weeks." She says they finally hooked up. She says she knows this sounds weird, and that this isn't normally like her, but that she fell in love. She says it's all butterflies and adrenaline. Jane looks on, jealously. Why does that girl get her creepy stalker, but Jane can't have hers?
Enter Gary, who's been standing just outside that door until the director yelled, "Action!" Gary stops in the doorway and asks, "What's going on?" Jane and Sam are so suspicious of Gary right away. Gary is equally suspicious. Only clueless Darcy giggles on about how Jane is Nicki's sister, and Nicki was worried. Gary scoffs that Nicki called the police. Sam says this was just a misunderstanding. This scene has absolutely no subtext. "I'm not worried," Gary says, and then grabs Darcy into his ultra-strong grip, right around her neck. He kisses her forehead while staring at the cops tauntingly. From under his meathook, Darcy glances worriedly to the ground. Gee. I wonder what's going on here. The music plays a terrified note as Gary grabs Darcy's shoulder and squeezes. Sam stares Gary down. Jane and Sam stare at each other. Jane blinks and tells Darcy to let someone know the time she decides to drop off the face of the earth. Darcy says this is all her fault, and that she should have told people, and that she'll be calling her mom and dad soon to let them know she's not dead. Why? They don't know you were missing. Gary and Sam are still staring each other down as Jane apologizes for bothering them. "No problem," says Gary. Blink, blink. Sam and Jane leave, and Gary stares at the door, mouth open and blinking. "[sighs]." He blinks a lot and then gives Darcy a glare. Darcy looks to the ground. Commercial.
Sam and Jane leave Gary's apartment. (I'm guessing that's what it was supposed to be.) Sam says there's "something about this guy." He asks if Jane got the vibe as well. "Come on, you gotta tell me you're vibing this guy, right?" Is that what we're gonna call it every week now? "Hello, Jane? Hey. Hey, where you at?" Jane apologizes. "You feelin' this guy, right?" Sam asks. Jane exhales. Sam says that the guy fits the abuser profile, the way he's all over Darcy, "trying to cut her off from the rest of the world." Jane's all, "Oh, he fits a profile." Sam and Jane decide to check for priors and find Gary's last girlfriend.
Once inside the car, while putting on their seatbelts, Sam asks why smart girls go for dangerous guys. Jane goes on the incredible defensive, asking why Sam's asking her. "No reason," Sam says. He starts the car and they drive off, over like a curb or something.
UselessNicki is angry that they didn't steal Darcy out of Gary's apartment. She thinks that Darcy is in danger ("Now she's with some shady guy downtown?" Oh, no. Not downtown!), and she can't believe that Jane won't do anything about it. Jane explains that Gary hasn't done anything wrong, and Darcy says she's there by choice. "Now, Look." She says she'll check the guy out, but there isn't much more she can do. "I don't believe this," UselessNicki whines. Jane asks what UselessNicki wants Jane to do. "More!" Nicki whines. "Look, I know that this is hard," Jane says. "Just be patient. I'm working on it." But the look in Nicki's eyes tells us she doesn't want to be patient, and that she's apparently too fucking lazy to go find her friend herself.
MonkeyCam! Continuing the last few seconds of your MWMP, just in case we are as stupid as they think we are, we're told that the necklace Tarzan's wearing is a tracking device. We're watching Tarzan leap across the rooftops. You know, the dialogue is so retarded, that it's best if I just post it here and let you shake your own head.
Clayton: So is that tracking device working?
Henchman: Well, that's definitely him wearing the necklace. Nobody else moves across the city like that.
Clayton says that Tarzan can't move forever, and that once he falls asleep, they can pick him up. The henchman says that Tarzan spent "seven consecutive hours" at one place last night, adding, "I don't think you're gonna like it." Clayton asks again where it was. The henchman admits it was at Xena's place, east side of Park. Clayton zones out and blinks a few times. "Turn it off," he says. Henchman: "Would you like me to keep tracking?" Clayton: "I said turn it off. I know everything I need to know." Well, great. Thanks for that useless crap about the tracking necklace.
Jane's at "work" on the phone. She's changed her clothes, so who knows what day it is. She's blinking, and her fake eyelashes look fabulous. Sam gives a list of places where he's looked up Gary, but he's got a clean record: "Not even a parking ticket." Of course not. "Hey, I thought this show was about Tarzan?" one of my friends bitches. "Where's the monkey?" "There is no monkey," I say. "But he strips down to a loincloth, right?" says another, who then growls. "No," I say. "But --" one starts. "No," I interrupt. "Your show sucks," three of them conclude at the same time. "It's not my show!" I shout. "What's happening?" another one asks. "This is the part of the episode where the cover of that day's newspaper helps them solve a crime," I explain. And then Jane, what she does is pick up that day's newspaper (the closed-captioning says the guy whose paper she stole says, "Hey, I was reading that!" but he doesn't. Jane totally stole that paper out of someone's hand), and because of the huge headline of some hockey score, determines that Gary's email address "RAPTOR" means he's a fan of the Raptors, which means he's from Toronto, which means that he must have his criminal record in Canada, which is why it wouldn't show up on any of their databases. And that's how you do it. Ta da! Detective work is easy-peasy. ["Um, the Raptors aren't a hockey team, but good one, Jane." -- Wing Chun]
We see an open window, so I tell everyone that Tarzan's about to make an appearance. Nicki's listening to everyone's favorite song, "This Show Forces Me To Suspend My Disbelief As High As Tarzan Suspended Michael Over the Streets of New York City (And I'm Fixing To Let Go)." Nicki's holding up Jane's clothes to her chest (I guess she's over her missing friend for the time being), deciding that Jane's clothes look better on her. The song is actually about boys making girls give up their virginity. It really is. Including the words "suck it up, suck it up." Tarzan leaps to the window, frightening Nicki. "There's Tarzan," I say to my friends. Nicki screeches, and Tarzan falls backwards off the roof. Everybody laughs, but I'm worried. That means Tarzan fell about seven stories to his death. I know they already killed off a major character, and Travis Fimmel has had problems on the set, so maybe they just decided killing Tarzan was the best way out of their sticky situation! But no, Tarzan somehow flips right back up again onto the window. Nicki screams again a couple of times. Nicki's acting reminds me of Anne Hathaway's. She regains her composure, saying, "Eighteen years old and having a heart attack." Yeah, that girl's eighteen. "Not good." She sighs. "So, I take it you're John," she says. He's only lived in your apartment before. "Hi, I'm Nicki," she says, arm outstretched. John says he knows. He enters Nicki's room and circles the dropped headphones. Music good? Music loud? Nicki checks out Tarzan's ass. Tarzan holds the headphones in his hand and looks at Nicki. "It's music," she explains. Tarzan's more confused than George McFly hearing some Van Halen. Tarzan tries to hold the headphones near his ear, but winces. He does have superpower hearing, y'all. Quit laughing. "It's loud," he says. Nicki says she's blowing off some steam. Tarzan stands up and walks over to Nicki. Kiss her! "You're worried," Tarzan concludes. "That obvious, huh?" Nicki walks away and talks to a wall. "Yeah. I'm worried about my friend." Arms crossed. This is the kind of acting we did in high school, you guys. Tarzan asks why, and Nicki says her friend is with this guy who might be hurting her. Nicki flips around and says that Jane's doing all she can, but that it might not be enough: "And I don't know what to do." Tarzan makes the ugly face: "She needs help. I'll help her." Nicki smiles. "Do you mean now?" "Yeah," says Tarzan, who doesn't know music, but he knows slang. Nicki leaves to put on clothes so she can go with him. Nicki knows how to leap rooftops now? Cool. Can't wait to see that. And in the middle of the day when she's depressed, why did Nicki take off all her clothes? Nicki comes back into the room, interrupting Tarzan's music appreciation lesson, to say, "Thank you, John." My friends turn the show off, declaring my job to "suck balls."
Here's the scene where suddenly we find out that the cops' "vibing" was right, and that the suspect from all along was actually a bad guy with a string of priors. This one maybe killed his ex-girlfriend, whom he met in an "internet chat room." As opposed to all of those real-life chat rooms we keep meeting people in. Those are usually called "bars." Whatever: Gary totally did it, and they've got a paper trail from Toronto, where criminals go to hide, and Tarzan goes to film.
Tarzan's watching from under the highway. Somehow, he can still hear Nicki talking to Darcy in front of Gary's apartment. Nicki tells Darcy she'd like to meet Gary. Do you think they took a cab there? Darcy says this isn't a good time: "Gary's just really intense about us." She says she's never had anybody love her this much before. Blink, blink. Darcy says it's probably hard for other people to understand. Enter Gary. Tarzan's monkey-sense starts tingling. "So, this must be Nicki," Gary smarms. Darcy's all, "Yeah. Uh, Nicki, this is Gary." Tarzan leaps down for a closer look. Gary says, "Thanks for calling the cops...Nicki." Darcy's still clueless, and tells Nicki she'll see her later. She goes to grab Gary's arm, but he shrugs it off. "Darce!" Nicki yells. "Come with me! I just want to talk to you." Gary is now in total killer mode: "See, Darce? What'd I tell you? They say that they're your friends but what do they do? The first sign that you might actually be happy --" But Nicki interrupts here: "She doesn't Look happy to me." Gary: "Really? What's that supposed to mean, Nicki?" I'd like to know that, too. Darcy was just saying how happy she was. And why does he keep saying "Nicki" like that? Does he think it's not her real name? And how can Tarzan hear from across the highway like that? Darcy begs them to stop fighting. Gary grabs Darcy's arm all hard, and Nicki gets worried and Darcy says, "Okay, take it easy," and Gary muscles Darcy into the apartment. "Darcy, wait!" screams Nicki, which makes no sense, since Darcy obviously isn't in control of where she's going.
Gary throws Darcy into his apartment, which is filled with canvases and shelves full of paint stuff. It's confusing, because earlier when Jane asked if Darcy was a painter, Nicki made a big deal out of correcting her and saying she was a photographer (and actually, isn't she a college student?). And now she's in an apartment filled with art stuff, so either Gary's a painter somehow or THIS SHOW IS JUST RETARDED. So Darcy totally screws up Gary's latest painting by flying through it, and now she's totally going to get beaten. "Gary, I'm sorry!" she cries as she stands up. Nicki is now knocking on the door, which is quite polite for someone who can hear her best friend's ass getting kicked. Gary yells for Nicki to leave them alone. "Nicki, go away, please!" Darcy cries and screams. "She's just trying to be my friend," Darcy cries to Gary. "She is not your friend," Gary yells, pimp-slapping Darcy, who flies across the room into a shelf of painting supplies, which falls over. Aw, man. She's going to be in even more trouble for spilling the boy's turpentine! She wails and cries, and Gary runs over to her: "Darcy, I just don't want you to see her anymore, okay? Don't you understand?" Cut to slow-motion, but the sound isn't slowed down, so we hear Darcy screaming and wailing as Tarzan slowly crashes through Gary's glass door (thanks for not thinking of that, Nicki) and does an unnecessary shoulder roll into the apartment. But I'm not complaining. Tarzan's hair has a lot of bounce. He and Gary make eye contact. Tarzan growls and then leaps into the air. He throws Gary into the shelf still standing. "John, no!" screams Nicki. But Tarzan's in full-on bitch-out, and he won't stop beating the crap out of possible internet killah Gary. None of the breakable furniture in the apartment is safe, and I've got to say that either this is Darcy's place, or Gary's gay, because there was a plant on the coffee table that Gary just smashed with his back. And there's another one hanging from the ceiling. One second the ceilings are really high, and the they're low enough for Tarzan to swing from a fern like a vine, which he does, then plopping down on Gary. The music's churning, the girls are crying, and Tarzan can't stop smacking this man. Darcy is screaming for Tarzan to stop, but he doesn't.
Sam and Jane are always a little too late. They screech to a stop outside Gary/Darcy's apartment. Don't worry, there's no traffic in downtown New York City.
Darcy is now struggling with Tarzan, trying to get him off her man. "What's wrong with you?" Darcy screams, pushing Tarzan. We're suddenly all MonkeyCam, in Tarzan's POV. Why would Darcy want this man to stop beating up the man who was beating her? Because this show sucks, that's why. Jane and Sam run in, guns drawn. Sam sees Tarzan pulling Darcy off Gary and says, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" Jane asks Nicki, "What are you doing here?" Then Sam shouts, "Hey, relax! Get up, Darcy." The closed-captioning then says, "[Hey, John. Hey, hey, hey, hey. No, John."] I guess that was Sam. Then Gary screams, "God! He's crazy!" Sam shouts back, "Shut up!" Jane screams, "John, that's enough!" Man, everybody's shouting. Tarzan shouts that Gary will hit her again, and Jane lies that he won't now because she won't let him: "That's enough, John. That's enough!" Tarzan's still growling as Jane pushes him away and Sam delivers the laughable line, "All right, now. I'm gonna need statements from everybody." He says that Darcy will give the first statement. Darcy stands up and walks over to a fallen Birkenstock lying on the ground. Whose shoe is that? It's not Tarzan's. And don't look for an explanation. It's just some weird piece of blocking. Oh, wait. It's her other shoe. Well, that's just dumb filmmaking. Why focus on her other shoe? And Darcy's totally a size 13. Those are some monster feet, girl. "[speaking indistinctly]," the closed captioning concludes. I'll say. Darcy pants as Nicki apologizes. For what? Darcy runs past her, still crying.
Jane and Tarzan are still in Gary/Darcy's apartment, over by the stained glass, where conversations look prettier. Jane's pretty pissed off, which is weird, since she pretty much banks on Tarzan solving all of her cases now. She sighs. "Oh, my God," she says. "How did you even get here?" Tarzan says he came with Nicki. "You what?" Jane asks, offended. Get your mind out of the gutter, Jane. And also: Tarzan. Where's your mommy's necklace? You'd think you'd get a new clasp for that thing, with the way you're always losing it. Nicki is also in the apartment, listening to their conversation. "She wanted to help a friend," Tarzan says. Why hasn't anyone been evacuated from this place yet? Jane gets tough, and sidles up to Tarzan: "All right. You need to listen to me. I do not want you anywhere near my little sister." And yes, in the previews for this episode, she said "me" and not "my little sister." Jane says that Nicki isn't a cop, and therefore cannot protect herself "the way [Jane herself] can." Hee. Tarzan blinks and then leans into Jane to tell her that he'd never harm Nicki. Jane blinks, inhales, and says, "You know what? I know that you would never mean to, John, but sometimes you can't help yourself. You lose control like you did that night with Michael on the roof!" Tarzan sucks on his tongue to look like he's thinking. Jane blinks a lot. "Look," she says. "Get out of here before more cops come. Go, John. Please." Here's my theory: there's one script, and it's written with one set of refrigerator-magnet poetry. They take all of the words, toss them into the air and let them land in whatever order, and that becomes the script.
Night. Precinct. Darcy's talking to Jane and Sam. She wants to see Gary and know that he's okay. Jane says that Gary's fine, aside from a few cuts and bruises. Again, the recovery time of these people is astounding. Sam says, "Look, Gary's in a holding cell where he belongs." Darcy can't believe Tarzan's allowed to roam free. Jane: "Darcy, you're getting angry at the wrong people. Gary battered you." She says it like that kid on King of the Hill who's just Butthead in Arlen. "Gary battered you." Like, I'm so totally sure. Hello? Can you say "Total victim/martyr complex"? Gah. Sam says that Darcy needs to press charges to make sure Gary doesn't do that again. "Gary would never hurt me on purpose," says Darcy, who has known Gary for about two weeks. She says he was upset and scared today because of the Nicki and Tarzan and the cops. Sam tells Jane to show Darcy what they "know." Jane hands over a fax, and says it's from the police department in Toronto. Hey, if anybody needs it, Jane's fax number is 1-212-555-0316. Darcy flips the page to a full-color glossy photo of the "battered" and "dead" girlfriend. Must be one of those fancy color fax machines. Darcy hands it back and says she already knows all about it, and that it totally wasn't Gary's fault. Jane: "Come on, Darcy, you're smarter than that." Darcy insists on not pressing charges. Jane asks her to protect herself by not seeing Gary, and by filing a restraining order. Darcy closes her eyes and says she wants to go home. This inspires much blinking and shaking of the head from Jane and Sam.
There's a knock on Xena's door. Xena runs to answer it, but Clayton lets himself in and stands just past Xena, staring at nothing. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the apes of our lives. And so begins the Skinner/Xena flirting. So that's how it is in their family. "What are you doing here?" Xena asks. So many times that question starts a scene on this show. "Where is he?" Clayton counters. "I asked you a question," Xena says. Clayton: "I answered it. Where are you hiding him?" Xena starts to pretend she doesn't know what he's talking about, but Clayton interrupts with a totally new line we've never heard before: "Don't start that charade with me!" Xena checks out Clayton's butt as he heads to look upstairs. Xena runs after him, asking, "Richard? What's this all about?" Do you think they could ask any more questions? What about in the scene? Will there be more questions? How about the episode? What's going to happen? Why are you still here? What are we doing with our lives? What's it all about? Why won't my eyes stop bleeding?
Clayton easily finds Tarzan's jungle. The camera spins around him as the crickets kick it into high gear. Clayton pants, and Xena pouts. "Tribal" music plays. Clayton looks around, and finds a discarded apple, and some old boxers. "This is where you've been hiding him," he says. "Me?" asks the incredulous Xena. "You didn't even tell me he was alive." More whispering. "You kept him locked in a cage!" We are stuck in an incredible melodrama. "I saved his life," Clayton screams. "I'm pregnant! And it's your baby!" Sorry. Got caught up in the clichéd soap-opera writing. "I found him filthy and alone in that jungle, and I saved him," Clayton adds. So much whispering! And squinting. Xena accuses Clayton of bringing Tarzan back just so that he could have more control over Greystoke.
Tarzan does a giant leap into the air and lands in the middle of this scene. Clayton turns. "John," he says. "Leave," Tarzan growls. Clayton says he's here to help Tarzan, and that he knows what he wants. Tarzan monkey-crawls over to Clayton. Nice boxers, Tarzan. "I said 'Leave,'" Tarzan growls, right in Clayton's face. "You want Jane," Clayton says, close enough to kiss Tarzan. "But you'll never get her like this." Tarzan growls. Clayton: "John, Look at yourself." Whispering now. "Look at how you live. You're like a wild animal." Tarzan's making the ugly face, and not facing Clayton, so he has to watch him from the side. "You'll never belong in this world. You'll never find a place to Jane until you change. I knew your father." And this makes Tarzan growl again, as if Tarzan thinks his father is the monkey that they shot and not a man who died in a plane crash. Clayton says he knew Tarzan's father better than anybody. "I know who he'd want you to be," he whispers. Kiss him! "Come with me," Clayton whispers. Xena watches, stoically. Clayton looks at Tarzan, blinks, and opens his mouth as his eyes search Tarzan's face. He's trying to find the words, the breath, trying to say what he feels deep down inside: "I love you." I seriously can't stop laughing. Tarzan makes a face like he has to poop. "I just wanna help you," Clayton concludes. Tarzan doesn't move, but he shifts his eyes so that we can see Xena, who's so jealous that these two men don't hit on her as often as they hit on each other. "No," says Tarzan, using his tongue on his upper teeth to say the word. Clayton's insulted face is fucking priceless -- open-mouthed, head cocked, heart-broken. He inhales and shudders. "Please, just give me a chance," Clayton begs. Tarzan says, "Never," and now the two men are breathing each other's breath. Clayton thinks that maybe they'll kiss, and when they don't he asks, "Why?" Tarzan's really grumpy, and frowns a lot. "I see what you are," Tarzan says. Grumpy, grumpy. Sucking on the tongue. "And I ate you." Huh? Oh, he probably means "hate." That's okay, everybody. He's an Australian model pretending to be a jungle-grown ape-man. Cut the man some slack on the "H" sound.
This is awesome: Clayton just stands there and stares at Tarzan, and finally he turns his head three inches to the left and stares out, mouth open, waiting for the music to finish swelling. Can you imagine if people acted like this in real life? It'd be creepy. Xena's kind of crying, for some reason, and Clayton's still looking almost over his shoulder, shocked that someone could hate him. He looks down, blinks. He looks at Tarzan, blinks. He backs away, blinks. His head wiggles a little from the shock and embarrassment. Dude, it's not like Clayton taught the kid little league or something. He shot his monkey-mom! Tarzan's still making the ugly face, and this scene has been eighteen minutes long! Clayton's eyes go real wide as he turns on his heels, dumbfounded, and walks away. Xena swallows, and tries to figure out what she should say, tries to talk herself into saying this stupid line and the stupid line after that. But Tarzan leaps out of the way before she says anything, and pulls himself up into some tree somewhere, so Xena decides not to say anything after all.
Clayton's doing the walk of shame home. He gets into his SUV. He pouts. "No luck?" asks the henchman. "She's poisoned him against me," Clayton whispers. "How is Mr. Ingram enjoying his stay with us?" The henchman says that Ingram is literally climbing the walls. No, that would be Tarzan. He says he doesn't know how much longer they'll be able to hold Ingram. Wait, has he been staying at Greystoke for, like, two weeks? Clayton says they're holding Ingram for his own safety as a witness to murder. The henchman -- who's apparently not very good at henching -- says that Ingram never said he saw a murder. Clayton stares at him. "Didn't he?" he asks. The henchman, NOT GETTING IT, reminds Clayton that Ingram said Michael's death was an accident: "Matter of fact, he said he saw foster lunge at your nephew." Wait. Why do I feel like we've already seen this scene? Clayton lifts his hand and says, "No." He laughs. "That's not the way that I heard it. Perhaps we should talk to him again. Just to clarify the facts." Finally, finally, the henchman gets it.
It's daylight instead of night now, but it's supposed to be at the same time, so whatever. Jane wanders through the office and finds Gary, who's leaving. They give each other mean looks in slow motion. Gary's hair has so much product it's about to get its own Queer Eye spinoff. He gets right up and almost kisses Jane, and then walks off. God, this show is so lame. Sam tells Jane that the lieutenant won't let them hold Gary. Do you think they changed the captain to the lieutenant because Sam and Jane are supposed to be detectives? Since Darcy won't testify, they "got no case." Sam says there's nothing they can do. "Yeah, there is," Jane says, and runs off.
Outside, Jane runs after Gary. Where's Darcy? Jane asks him to hold up. Gary keeps walking, and tells Jane to stay away from him. Luckily, there's never any traffic, so they can just walk across the street.
Tarzan's watching from the roof. Man, Tarzan. Get a life.
Gary threatens a lawsuit. Jane says this isn't over, and that Gary won't see Darcy ever again: "I'm gonna be all over you 24/7. I'm gonna reopen that Toronto case!" ["Dude, what happens in Toronto stays in Toronto." -- Wing Chun] Jane's so celebratory about this that I think she's about to burst into a song about a monorail. Gary asks what's the matter with her. "I know who you are," Jane says. "You are somebody so small, and so tiny on the inside that you need to dominate a woman to make yourself feel big." My cats have to pull me back from destroying the television set. Jane follows Gary, laughing and taunting, pulling the ol' detective standby: The Chicken Card. Jane says, "You got, what, sixty pounds on me?" "[scoff]." I agree, closed-captioning. I wholeheartedly agree. "Lay me out. Like that girl you killed, right? She didn't think you were man enough, either." Jane is up in his face, flirting with Gary, who can't resist her crazy reverse psychology! Jane: "Show me what you showed her. Come on, Gary." Jane's whispering, smiling. "Come on," she hushes. "Show me what you showed her." Gary is about to show Jane a boner, but Tarzan swoops in and fucks everything up. Gary composes himself and walks away, and Jane's pissed off: "Dammit, John! I had him!" She's so mad she has to turn away and say that to the air. She was about to get bitch-slapped outside the police station, making it her easiest case yet! Tarzan doesn't understand, because his brain comes and goes, and only knows that Gary was going to hurt her. Jane blinks and pants. She calms down and walks back to the station, where Sam congratulates her on a job almost well done. "He was just about to swing on you --" (nice pun) --"'til Goldilocks swooped in." Sam then says the required lines per episode about how one of these days Tarzan's accidentally going to hurt her, and Jane says again that he'd never hurt her. And then, check out this shit: Sam says, "You know who you sound like? Darcy." Aw, shit! That's some cold-blooded, stone-cold truth right there. No, you di'in't, Sam! That's fucked up, yo. I gotta leave the room with my arms up and my head shaking, and then I gotta come right back into this room again because I cannot BELIEVE that you WENT THERE, my friend. You are hella crazy, fool. Dayum. I say it again: Daaaaaaayum.
Kill me.
Nicki's working on "homework" while drinking from a glass of flat Coke. There's a pounding on the door, urgent, like something's wrong. But Nicki -- the sister of a detective, friend to a man who hates her -- she just gets right up and opens the door. Screw peepholes or chain locks. This is New York. Everybody knows murderers only live in Toronto. So Nicki screams, but Gary's already in her apartment, pushing her against the wall. "Shh!" he says, like all bad guys do. And Nicki -- whose mouth isn't being covered -- stops screaming. She's so smart. Gary says that she and Jane should have minded their own business. Nicki moans when she sees that there's a gun held to her neck. How she can see something pointed at her neck is beyond me. But luckily we're at commercial, and I hope this episode will be over soon.
Oh, no. Nicki let her kidnapper take her to the second location. She's in the car, crying, and Gary's just driving along. I guess Nicki can't jump out at any of the lights, since New York traffic downtown keeps you driving at such a rapid speed. "Please, just let me go! Please!" Too bad the actress playing Nicki can't cry real tears. Gary says he doesn't want to hurt Nicki. And I shit you not: Nicki looks disappointed. Gary says that Darcy didn't come back home after they were at the station, and went to her dorm room: "Because of the lies that your sister told her. Your lies. I'm so sick of these lies! Now you're going to talk to Darcy, and you're going to get her to come home with me." Oh. Well, that's not too scary. Nicki is busy pulling her cell phone out of her cargo pocket. She dials up "2" -- Jane. This kidnapping brought to you by the Motorola Flip Phone.
Jane's hanging at her office, chillin', cold-kickin' it over some paperwork, when her cell phone rings. She answers. "Hey, Nick." She hears Nicki: "Where are you taking me?" Gary says, "You're gonna help me get my life back. The life I had before you and your sister ruined it." Jane covers the mouthpiece and tells Sam she needs a trace on this call. Sam picks up a phone and starts dialing. It's that easy!
Cut to Sam and Jane in their police car, lights flashing, tires screeching. "1143, 10-4!" shouts Sam, as Jane drives calmly. Sam tells Jane that Gary "drives a gray Cherokee and is headed north on the west side and changing cell zones fast." Fake Chemical Brothers plays to make us feel "engaged" with the "tension" in the "storyline."
Gary freaks out because he's being chased. Seems it would have made more sense just to head to Darcy's dorm for the takedown instead of causing dangerous road conditions. Nicki begs Gary to stop the car. And I don't know, there are so many cars on this chase, that when Jane finally spots him it doesn't make a lot of sense to me, because he's been pursued already by some other cop car. I will stop trying to inject logic and reason into this. Gary looks at Nicki and actually says, "What did you do? Did you call your sister?" You guys. Seriously. What are we doing? Is it worth this? Can't we get laughs elsewhere? When we keep watching this show every week, hoping it'll be funny, but instead just hope that the recaps will make up for the lack of this show's substance, you know who we are? We're Darcy. We're Darcy.
I will now recap this scene like I had always imagined I was going to get to recap this show, but because it's a cop show instead of a monkey show, I never get to do this. Fuck it. I'm doing it. Car Chase! Tires Screech! Tarzan leaps! Jumping Tarzan! Tarzan so mad. Pretty shoeless Tarzan fall to bridge. Bad man speed up car toward Tarzan. Nicki scream! Tarzan play chicken with car. Tarzan leap! Land on hood! Tarzan understand power steering and fucks with bad man's wheel! Screaming! Struggle! Bad music! Nicki scream for car to stop! Bad man stop car! Tarzan flies through air! He okay! He okay! Cops screech car to halt! Someone stole cop hubcaps! Jane runs out! Bad guy hold Nicki to himself, hold gun to her. Nicki whimper like stereotype! Wait, I have to stop here to say it's really strange that Jane has a moment where she wants to run to Tarzan to see if he's okay, but Nicki's screaming her sister's name, begging to be saved from the man with a gun. Jesus, Jane. Get a grip, girl.
Gary promises he'll kill Nicki if they come any closer. They come closer. Shoot Nicki! Do it! But Jane eventually puts the gun on the ground, because this man has allegedly killed people before. What happened to all units on the pursuit? "What the hell are you doing, Jane?" Sam asks. "Nicki didn't do anything," Jane says. "I did." Gary says that Jane lied to Darcy, and that now he'll never get her back. How does he know that? Darcy's the one who thinks that Gary still loves her. Gary, have you even asked Darcy? She sucks so hard she wants to date you. Tarzan's getting up, fine from the whole getting-hit- by-a-speeding-car/ flung-from- a-speeding-car thing. Jane tells Gary that Darcy does want to be with him, and wants to forgive him, but that she can't if he goes to jail for killing Nicki. Gary says it's too late, and backs up closer to the edge of the bridge. Sam and Jane walk even closer to Gary. Jane says it's not too late. Gary screams that nobody understands, and that they shouldn't come any closer. Tarzan stares. Jane tries the Exorcist approach, telling Gary to let Nicki go and take her instead. "This is your only chance, Gary," Jane says. I don't know what she means, either. "Let her go, Gary," Sam says. "Come on, man. Just let her go!"
The camera's in crazy mode and so is Gary, so instead of whatever makes sense, he makes eye contact with the approaching Tarzan, and despite Sam's persuasive arguments, he points the gun at Jane. Faster than a speeding bullet, as the old Tarzan legend goes. Sam shoots Gary in the chest, and Gary goes backward, pulling Nicki with him. It goes on for a really long time, but they flip back and both of them fall into the cold water many feet below the bridge. Did I mention there's no sound? There isn't. Tarzan leaps into the air and dives into the water. "Nicki!" Jane finally screams, running to the edge of the bridge. She pants and frets and watches the water. Tarzan pulls Nicki to the surface, and Jane and Sam run somewhere. Tarzan lowers Nicki to the ground. Jane holds Nicki and kisses her forehead, calling her "baby," saying she thought she lost her. Wet Tarzan! Wet Tarzan! Nicki says she's fine, but Jane's too busy repeating "I got you." Sam and Tarzan share a look, and Sam gives Tarzan the male-approving head-nod. Jane cries and holds her sister. Tarzan disappears. Where are the other cops?
Greystoke. Clayton's looking at a baby picture of Tarzan. Yeah, whatever. Let's get this over with. Ingram is let in by the henchman. He says he'd be happy to cooperate. Clayton asks if he thought about what they talked about. Ingram says he'd like to go home and think about it. Clayton says he can't go home until they reach an understanding. Ingram says he understands that they want him to lie about what he saw. Clayton says that if Ingram doesn't help them, "well, you think you have phobias now...." Ingram caves and says he'll say whatever they want: "What I saw was murder." Clayton's satisfied. "I saw the blond man murder Detective Foster. He killed him on purpose." This concludes your Minute with Mitch Pileggi.
Xena's jungle. "John?" Must be Jane. Yep. "John?" Jane wanders through the forest and finds naked Tarzan. The music celebrates as we pan up to Tarzan taking a shower. After Jane watches for a while, Tarzan can sense her and turns around. Jane snaps back up and hides. She can't help it, and leans back over to take another peek. But Tarzan is gone. Surprise! He's right to her, and Jane freaks out over the size of Tarzan's monkey. Don't you want to touch his monkey, Jane? She apologizes and hides her eyes. "Oh, my God. Um, sorry, John. Sorry." She looks a little nauseated. Tarzan puts his pants on. Boo. Jane looks at him and smiles: "You followed Gary from the police station, didn't you? After I was so mad." Wait. If he did, then why didn't he stop Gary from kidnapping Nicki in the first damn place? "John." Here come the tears. "You gave me my sister back. I owe you everything for that. I know that there's a part of you that most people don't see. A part that's very gentle and very kind. And I want you to know that I see it." Oh, thanks, Jane. Now put him back in a cage until you need him to solve another case for you. This scene would be much hotter without all the Vaseline on the lens. And without Jane. And without the pants. "And I'm glad I do." Shut up, Jane. Tarzan bares his lower teeth and wipes away Jane's tear. They stare at each other for a while, and then we fade to black. Bullshit! When will something happen on this show?
week Jane finally gets fired. Man. It's about time.