Ding Dong

S24E06

Colton and Alicia gloat over their "brilliant" blindside, and Colton is seriously mean to Christina. And so is Alicia. Human beings should not be that awful to one another under any circumstances, and it's tough to even watch.

Reward Challenge: Bounce coconuts off a trampoline and knock out five targets. Winner gets an afternoon at an ice cream parlor. Of course, Salani wins, although it's not a blow-out. Colton and Alicia continue to "mean girl" Christina, who retaliates by telling Jonas and Leif about Alicia's alliance with the four ladies currently on Salani. Alicia busts her doing so and they argue.

Colton gets a splitting headache and abdominal pain and Christina, of all people, comforts him. Tarzan, who is a doctor in real life, tells him to push fluids because he's dehydrated. Cut to Colton lying on the jungle floor. Christina finds him and calls in the medical team, who decide that they have to take him in to rule out appendicitis. Colton refuses to give his Immunity Idol to anyone and Alicia is screwed. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA x 1000!!!!

Both tribes are told to report to Tribal Council, where Salani finds out that Colton is gone. Alicia tells everyone that Colton left with his Idol, and they all debate whether or not to believe her. Also, Kat has never heard of the appendix and is very concerned about hers. She is seriously sub-level intelligence. And then they merge and no one is voted out. Wow, that was anti-climactic.

Manono. Night 14. The tribe returns from voting out Monica at Tribal Council, a blindside that shocked both Monica and Christina. Alicia and Colton lie in the shelter as Alicia giggles that it was "the funniest Tribal Council [she's] been to." Yes, it was hilarious how the person on your tribe who was actually kind and tried to inspire others was unceremoniously dumped. I can buy that it was a necessary move for Colton, but Alicia doesn't need to be so giddy about it, especially since I'm still not sure why she thinks it was so smart. But she clearly wants to make sure that Christina knows that she was in on it, and that she's part of the cool kids club. Alicia interviews that she originally had an alliance with the women, but she realized that they would all be eliminated once they merged, so she decided to go with the guys. So her math is that her tribe was going to eliminate a woman no matter what, since the guys had the numbers, right? But how does she know that the other tribe might not lose and eliminate some men? Or that her alliance-mate in the other tribe might not cut a deal that might be to her benefit if she sticks with them?

Alicia and Colton sit by the fire, Colton with his head annoyingly on Alicia's shoulder. Ugh, so gross. That's not for warmth. That's for showing off to the others that you are the King and Queen of the tribe. Colton tells Christina that no one will align with her and she could maybe go make an alliance with a hermit crab. He interviews that Christina will go no matter what, and the more dispirited she is, the easier it will be to get rid of her. I don't get gloating. I really don't. Gloating assumes that you have control over the situation, when that's not the case. Whether it's the producers or God or fate or random chance or whatever you believe controls the universe, shit happens. And gloating seems to be for those who have forgotten that we, tiny humans, do not control what happens. Colton can barely suppress a laugh as he tells Christina that even if she, by "some miraculous miracle" (nice vocab there, sunshine), survives to the merge, the men and the women all hate her and will immediately vote her off. Christina just sits there with a dull look on her face. I wouldn't mind if she ignored them, because it's certainly better than interacting with them, but I wish she could at least act like she doesn't buy their bullshit instead of looking like she's a trauma victim.

Later that night, while the others are sleeping, Christina and Alicia get in a scrap because Alicia refuses to move over in the shelter so that Christina can have room to sleep. Alicia actually says that she's not going to move like two inches because Christina is going to be voted out so there's no reason to be kind to her. How about because she's a human being and you live in the world? Jesus. It's not like Christina killed your family. Even if she's annoying or mean or picks her nose and wipes the boogers on your clean laundry (just trying to figure out why everyone hates her), there's no reason to be so awful. The scrap wakes up Jonas and Colton (who looks ill, FORESHADOWING). Then they start arguing over how Alicia is difficult to work with, and how Alicia is going to smack Christina for touching her. It looks like Alicia finally moves over like a centimeter. Christina interviews that Alicia is not a good person and Colton's a jerk, and she wants others to see that. I think they know. I don't think people are basing their alliances on who would win an ethics contest. That said, this is probably Christina's only weapon at this point, so she might as well use it.

The morning, over at Salani, the tribe members slowly wake up and enjoy their coffee. Kat tells everyone that she had a dream that Alicia killed her at the mall. Kat is not so bright. I know that's not news. Chelsea and Kim bring back treemail telling them about the Reward Challenge. They all start speculating about various backyard games, since that's what the note implies they'll be doing. They come up with tag, hide-and-seek and dodgeball. Also, hopscotch. Troy interviews that the other team is a bunch of misfits, and they'll kick their asses. Chelsea points out that they'll get to see who got voted out as well.

Probst calls both tribes in for the Reward Challenge. Sabrina notices that Monica is gone, and interviews that it shows that the other tribe is just going to pick the women off and they'll be screwed when the merge comes. I wonder if Sabrina could convince her tribe to throw the Immunity Challenge and get rid of Michael. The other women would agree, and she could pitch it to Troy and Jay as a way to solidify their suballiance, like "Do this and we'll know we're really together." The problem is that, if it's a physical challenge, Michael might be able to win it all by himself. And the other tribe is so terrible that Salani might not be able to throw it without being totally obvious about it. Just a thought I had.

The challenge is to run up a giant stack of crates and throw a coconut, bounce it off a trampoline, and break a paper target. The tribe to break all five targets first wins, and the reward is a visit to an ice cream parlor. Everyone is suitably orgasmic at the prospect of ice cream. Colton pleads with his team to win this one, as if they were going to skip it, but Colton wants it? Let's do this thing.

The competition begins. Climbing up those crates is no joke. Each step is probably four regular steps. The first few people miss and Probst admits that there's a learning curve to this, at least until Alicia goes, and he says that she throws like a little kid. Kim breaks the first target for her team while Tarzan struggles to even get up the steps, but then breaks the first target for his team. Leif breaks a target, so Manono is in the lead for now.

Alicia throws again and Probst snarks that it was way short and his nephew could throw it harder than that. It doesn't seem to matter how hard you throw it as much as where the coconut hits on the trampoline, and Alicia is hardly the only one who's had a lame throw. I mean, I like seeing Alicia ridiculed as much as the viewer, but Probst is really picking on her and I don't know why. Christina isn't running back and forth fast enough for Colton and he screams at her and then calls her a "stupid fucking idiot." If I were Christina, when it was my turn, I would just slowly stroll over, take my time picking out a coconut, drop it nowhere near the trampoline, and then stroll back. Fuck those guys. Why should she help them win? She's going , and she knows it, so she can get ice cream in Elimination Village or whatever they're calling it this year. And it would be fun to see Colton's head explode. What are they going to do, be mean to her? Oh, that's right. They're already doing that. And they're not going to hurt her physically, because that would be an automatic ejection. Luckily, Christina is a nicer person than I am, so she actually tries.

By Kim

While all this has been happening, Jay and Chelsea hit targets for Salani, so they are up 3-2. But Tarzan quickly ties it up again. Then Kat gets one for Salani, so they are one away from victory. Probst has time to tell Alicia she's pathetic even though Chelsea just had a throw that was just as bad. What is his deal? Probst keeps telling Manono that they aren't throwing hard enough when that's not the problem at all. It's that they're throwing to hit the trampoline at the far edge, so it bounces straight up or back at them instead of out towards the targets. I don't know why Probst isn't getting this. And then Troy hits the last target for Salani and they win. Colton interviews that he was annoyed with Christina's nonchalance, and as far as he's concerned, Christina can get voted out, quit, or jump in the fire and be medevaced, but he can't wait until she leaves. He's really proud of himself for coming up with that semi-witticism. Or half-witticism. Because it comes from a half-wit.

Tarzan asks to speak to Colton alone, and Alicia invites herself along. I know I haven't talked about Alicia's bikini yet, and I'm not one for body-shaming because we all come in all shapes and sizes and we don't always choose the most flattering options for our body types, but seriously: What the fuck was she thinking with that thing? No one would look good in that. It's horrific. Anyway, Jonas interviews that Colton and Alicia are awful. Thanks for the news bulletin, Jonas. Those are your allies. Do something about it.

Christina takes the opportunity of Tarzan, Colton, and Alicia being away from the camp for a moment and talks to Jonas and Leif. She tells them that she knows she's going home , but also tells them that Alicia has an alliance with the women from Salani. So at the merge, they will have an alliance of five people. And there will be seven guys. I'm not sure what Christina's angle is here. I guess she's assuming that the guys won't all vote together, necessarily? Christina emphasizes that she was not part of the women's alliance. Jonas interviews that he doesn't know much about Alicia's status with the women from Salani. While Christina talks, Alicia wanders up and Christina doesn't shut up but continues talking. Alicia gives her a slow clap and then insults Christina some more, and says she's digging herself a bigger grave. Christina says she's got nothing to lose. Alicia gets all defensive, which doesn't help her efforts to make it look like she's got nothing to hide, if you ask me. She also says things like, "It's wack. You're crazy." I'm sorry, I can't be in an alliance with someone who uses slang that I learned from Kid 'n Play in House Party 3. Alicia interviews that Jonas doesn't need to know about her alliance, so Christina needs to go. Christina barely gets another word out before Alicia keeps saying that she's done, done, done. Christina should ask when everyone voted and decided that Alicia gets to decide who gets to talk when. That's what I would be wondering.

That night, Colton has a really bad headache. Maybe it's all of the garbage inside of him rebelling and trying to find a way out, through his skull. Maybe it's the tiny devil in his brain poking at him. Colton has his head in Christina's lap (?) and says that he woke up and it felt like his brain was swelling. That's not good. And now it feels like he has a pain like a knife in his belly button. Christina comforts him by telling him he'll be fine. Christina interviews that when someone is sick, she's going to help, but she's also aware that it could help her game standing. Colton interviews that Christina took on a motherly role, but he knew she was only doing it to help her standing in the game. Well, also because she's a nice person, apparently. I guess that never entered Colton's sick infected mind.

By Kim

Later that day, Jonas gets on Tarzan's shoulders to try to knock down some breadfruit. I totally think they only showed that scene as a fakeout because the previews showed a medical situation. I was sure one of them was getting a coconut to the head, and if Gilligan's Island has taught me anything (and boy, has it) that would mean the victim would immediately be able to speak fluent French or sing opera or something. Anyway, it was a fakeout. Tarzan looks at Colton's tongue and says he's dehydrated. Remember, Tarzan is a doctor. I know. I KNOW! Who would go to him? Tarzan then lists off all the maladies that Colton can expect if he doesn't drink water, like great bedside manner, Tarzan. In an interview, Tarzan lists off all of the things that could be wrong with Colton, like appendicitis or gall bladder attack or gas. He is not that useful.

Alicia, selfish to the end, interviews that she always talked strategy with Colton and she's upset that he's leaving because it hurts her strategy. Oh, and she's sorry he's in so much pain. Wait, she didn't say that at all. Jonas basically gives a eulogy for Colton, like, he's not dead, dude. Relax. Wait, is Jonas crying? What is wrong with him? Probst asks Colton if he has any last words, and Colton tells them to tell Sabrina, "Thanks for the souvenir" as he gestures with his Idol. Alicia interviews that Colton "is a spoiled brat" and she can't believe he kept the idol. Would he even be allowed to give it to a woman? They've changed things up so many times this season that I don't know what's going on. Jonas interviews that Colton wanted to get rid of Christina, but now that Colton's gone, he thinks they should get rid of Alicia. Yes, Jonas! Do that! The rise of Jonas! Colton's taken out on a stretcher. It's kind of anticlimactic. I really wanted to see him blindsided or have to build a fire and then get eliminated.

So even LATER that day, there is five minutes of animal footage, like when did I tune into the Discovery channel? Is Alec Baldwin going to start doing a voiceover? The Salani tribe picks up treemail and reads a clue that says that they haven't won or lost but they are going to Tribal Council tonight. Kat interviews that she chewed all the dirt out from her fingernails and it was disgusting but nutritious. Oh, Kat. I used to hate you but you are kind of amusing in your stupidity. Anyway, the Salani members (I keep wanting to call them Salami, like White Shadow what what?) start speculating about what all this means. And they have no clue.

Manono gets the same clue. Everyone is excited except Alicia. She interviews that she thinks they'll just talk about Colton, but she's worried that if there's a vote, she might be going. And then I don't know what starts this conversation, but I think they are standing around waiting to leave for Tribal Council. Alicia asks Tarzan if they would be friends, and Tarzan says he'd be her dad and his wife would be her mama. That's weird. And kind of gross. Christina asks if Tarzan likes her and he says no. What? She asks if it's because she voted for him, and Tarzan says she's a wonderful girl who will be very successful, but she wouldn't be his friend. And Christina says, "Understandable." UNDERSTANDABLE? Does she know what that word means? How is anything about what Tarzan just said understandable? WHAT THE FUCK DID CHRISTINA DO TO THESE PEOPLE? Did she shit in their water supply or something? Tarzan decides to rub it in and says that Leif and Jonas would be his friend. Basically, everyone except Christina, who he then calls Katrina.

At some other point, Christina reminds Jonas and Leif that she's one hundred percent with them, and they agree. Jonas interviews that the three of them are going to vote out Alicia, even though Tarzan disagrees. Jonas actually grew some balls when Colton left. Just wish he could have done it before. Also, it makes me really nervous to watch Tarzan stumbling through the forest carrying a giant machete. He looks like he could fall and impale himself at any moment. Christina concludes by telling them that if they ever find her a threat, get rid of her.

Tarzan takes Leif aside and says that she's what he calls sycophantic. No, everyone calls it that, Tarzan. It's not a word that you made up. Leif thinks Alicia is the same way, but Tarzan disagrees. They spend like five minutes going, "No, no, no" to one another. Tarzan begs Leif to vote out Christina. Leif interviews that he's stuck between two worlds. I don't think Leif is super bright. Alicia interviews that she's mad that Colton didn't give her the Idol because she really needs it. Ooh, who will they vote out? I can't wait for all this posturing and wheeling and dealing to pay off at Tribal Council.

Probst welcomes both tribes to Tribal Council. They are surprised to see one another and Troy immediately recognizes that Colton is gone. Probst tells them that Colton was medically evacuated, even though he wanted to stay. Kat has never heard of appendicitis. Leif says that he's had his taken out, and it's a lot of pain. Probst asks Troy how this changes the game, and he says that he's still processing it, and he's sad for Colton because he loved the game. Kim admits to being happy that one more person is gone. Kim has also had her appendix out, so she feels bad for Colton. Kat is terrified! She didn't even know she had an appendix and now everyone has had his or hers out and it was really painful. Seriously, how dumb is she? Who doesn't know what their appendix is or at least know someone who had it out? I remember this girl Patty collapsed in gym class in fifth grade and had her appendix out and there were lots of stories about how it burst in the elevator on the way to surgery and it was all very gory in a mild fifth-grade way.

Alicia delivers the news that Colton thanks Sabrina for the souvenir but he took the Idol with him. Everyone chuckles and Sabrina makes a total Bill Cosby Jell-o pudding pops face. Probst asks Sabrina if she believes the story about the Idol, and Sabrina says that her gut tells her it's true. Chelsea pipes up that she doesn't buy it. Probst asks Jonas if it was a tribal decision to come in and reveal certain information and Jonas says that he can't reveal that information. Jay and Troy think Alicia looks nervous. Then they go back and forth about whether or not she's lying and man, this episode has a ton of filler. Vote or don't vote, but get to it. Also, Kat doesn't know what touché means, because she uses it wrong. Kat admits that she's worried about her appendix. She is a cartoon character.

By Kim

Probst says he's about to complicate things again, because they can drop their buffs and it's time for the merge. So now there are six men and six women, so all this talk about the numbers turns out to be irrelevant. I'm glad they did this now. It's possible that the Jay/Troy/Kim/Chelsea suballiance will hold. Probst points out that Kim is looking all over the place and she admits that she's trying to figure out if the women and men are still together, or if the more recent tribal boundaries will hold, or what's going to happen. But she's excited. Tarzan has the last word: "The game is afoot." Probst gives them the details: they'll go back to their original beach and live there. So it's One World but it was always One World but then it was Two Worlds for a while? I really feel like the producers are making this up as they go along. Then again, I wasn't really interested in seeing the men pick off the women or vice versa for the rest of the season, so maybe this will stir things up a little. It all depends on who wins immunity week, and if word gets out that Kim has an Idol.