With no more stupid torch walk and a Redemption Island quadruel to sandwich into the two-hour finale, things actually went pretty quickly. Which is good, because this episode, like the rest of the season, was predictable and ultimately not very memorable. Andrea provides us with probably the only surprise of the episode when she beats Grant, Mike, and Matt out for a spot back in the game. But then she doesn't win immunity and the hated Ashley does, so she's pretty much screwed at the Tribal Council. She tries to convince Ashley and Natalie that it's in their best interests to align with her, but they don't go for it, which was a good thing for them since Rob plays his immunity idol so he wouldn't have been voted out no matter what. Andrea is voted out unanimously and Redemption Island is officially useless. And Ashley and Natalie lose Andrea's jury vote, if they ever had it in the first place. Rob narrowly beats Ashley out to win the last immunity challenge, but Ashley isn't too worried since Phillip is the obvious choice to vote out and she has her BFF Natalie to tell her if Rob has anyone else in mind. Rob decides that he'd rather go the end against Phillip than Ashley, though, and tells Natalie she has to turn against Ashley. Natalie has a chance to tell Ashley the truth and doesn't, so Ashley is blindsided and becomes the final juror. And Natalie loses Ashley's vote, if she ever had it in the first place.
After the traditional last day breakfast and some insanity from Phillip, who is now decked out in mock Indian robes (a.k.a. a blanket) and a headband full of feathers, the Final Tribal Council begins and the jury is its usual bitter angry self. No one has any respect for Natalie or Phillip, who does an absolutely abysmal job trying to convince the jury to vote for him even after promising us that he knew an argument that could give him the win over Rob. He basically yells at them and even tells some jurors not to vote for him. I was so hoping he would drop the crazy act and shock us all by being totally rational and saying he was putting everyone on this whole time, but no. After David uses his juror question to sing Rob's praises, it's pretty clear that Rob has this in the bag. Sure enough, he wins everyone's votes except Ralph's, who voted for Phillip. So Rob had to play this game four freaking times to win it and his fourth time had to be with a group of easily-lead idiots, but he finally gets his million dollar prize.
It's almost over! Hooray! We will soon be rid of Rob and Li'l Russell and Redemption Island forever! Probst recaps the season so far, and I'm sure you can guess how it goes: Rob Rob Rob Rob did he just say that Natalie was the youngest player in Survivor history? I thought Spencer was younger? Rob Rob Rob Matt Li'l Russell crying HA HA HA Rob Rob Phillip Rob Rob. And look! The full opening credits are back! Oh my god, I can't believe there are like eight people left in this game.
Night 35 on Redemption Island. Andrea and Matt seem to be on good terms again, as her head is resting on his lap. Grant arrives, much to his surprise. He interviews that he trusted his alliance but apparently they weren't trustworthy people. "Possibly, Rob betrayed me. Possibly Phillip did," he says, apparently not realizing that EVERYONE VOTED FOR HIM except for Grant himself. So there's nothing "possibly" about it. They ALL betrayed him. Just like he happily betrayed plenty of other people. He claims he's "a-okay" about it, though, and greets the Redemption Islanders who are clearly not happy to see him since he has very good chance at beating them all in the quadruel. You know, if Grant just wins himself right back on the show then Redemption Island will truly be the biggest waste of time ever. Grant settles into bed, while Andrea is still stuck sleeping on the floor for some reason while he gets the prime shelter spot.
At Murlonio, no one is happy about having to vote Grant out. Or at least, that's how they're all pretending to feel. Phillip mourns the loss of one third of Stealth R Us. Rob claims that it's "completely [his] fault" that Grant was voted out, and that even though getting rid of Grant was probably his best move in the game, he misses Grant and feels bad about losing him. That said, if Grant won his way back on the show, Rob would definitely want to vote him out as soon as possible. As for Matt, Mike, or Andrea, Rob says he'd rather vote Ashley out before them. Um, he's kidding, right? He does realize that Matt or Mike would probably win the jury votes at the end and so he should want to get rid of them as soon as possible?
Back on Redemption Island, Matt talks about how much he's grown to love it there. Well, sure. Now that he actually has plenty of company, why shouldn't he like it? He gets to hang out with people and talk about God and doesn't have to worry about any of the strategic gameplay stuff that he was so terrible at. This is basically a vacation but with not very much food. Meanwhile, Grant and Andrea fetch the treemail announcing their final quadruel. Mike hears them cheering about it in the woods and mutters that he hopes treemail came with a pizza. It didn't. Instead, they get a note telling them to "dig deep." I thought this meant that there would be digging involved in the quadruel, but there actually wasn't, so I guess the treemail writers have given up on the clever rhymes and challenge clues. Treemail also says that there can only be one winner in this quadruel, who will then be allowed to return to the game. The other three will DIE. And be sent to the jury. Mike says the idea of his Redemption Island experience being over is "bittersweet," since his fourteen days there has been a "life-changing" experience. He is happy, though, to finally know what his fate in the game will be. You know what I won't miss? Matt talking about God ALL THE TIME. Sure enough, he leads the group in a final prayer before interviewing that after everything he's been through in this game, he gives God "all the credit" and "all the glory" for this miserable experience. He should give Rob at least some of the credit, since he's the one who sent him there. Twice. Although if you ask Probst, I'm sure he'd tell you that Rob and God are one and the same.
With that, they arrive at the Arena for the last time. Probst points out the four contestants in attendance, none of whom look particularly excited about this challenge. They probably just want to get it over with so they can vote out whoever wins. Except for Rob, who is thinking of ways to get rid of Ashley even though she has no chance of beating him in the Final Three and some of these Redemption Islanders do. Probst explains: this will be a nasty endurance challenge where each contestant will place his foot on one end of a see-saw. On the other end is a large vase. If the vase falls, you're out. The last person left will re-join the game. The others will become the jury members. Andrea should be quite pleased with this because an endurance challenge (and a lower body one at that) is probably her best bet against these guys. The contestants place their feet on the board and the challenge begins.
Twenty minutes in, Grant nearly loses his balance but manages to recover. Matt has a lapse of attention and also nearly loses his vase. Mike is also starting to struggle. "Wake up. Wake yourself up," Probst says, sounding barely awake himself. All four make it to the forty minute mark, and now Probst is really bored. He hates endurance challenges. Grant tries to move his leg a bit to stretch it out, but he ultimately moves too much. His vase wobbles and falls and, amazingly, he is the first contestant out of the challenge. I can't tell if Rob is happy to see him out or sad. He seems to think Grant is his biggest threat if he came back in the game, so I guess he's happy.
After an hour has elapsed, Andrea decides to try to stretch her leg as well. Probst takes note of this, and Matt stops paying attention long enough for God to knock his vase over. This is his first time losing a Redemption Island challenge, and Probst makes sure to rub it in. "And with that, Matt is out of this challenge and out of this game. After 36 days in the game, you survived 10 duels but fell short when you needed it most. Matt is the sixth member of the jury, has no shot at winning," he says as Matt waits and hopes for some lighting to come down and strike his opponents dead. But God has forsaken him, so his time in this game is officially, finally over. With Mike still in the challenge with only Andrea to defeat, Rob has got to be shitting bricks. Both Mike and Andrea struggle and nearly lose their balance a few times. Probst reminds them to stay focused, only for Mike to wipe his face and lose his concentration just enough to drop his vase. Andrea wins the challenge and spot back in the game! I'm kind of pissed because I wanted Mike to win and to go back in the game and win it and ruin Rob's perfect season. But at least I can take some pleasure in seeing that Rob isn't all that happy about seeing Andrea re-enter it, either. Phillip claps seemingly sincerely for her. Everyone else scowls. Matt walks past the Murlonios, and Rob says he did a "hell of a job." I'm sure Matt cares what Rob thinks.
The four Redemption Islanders stand before Probst, who says that Andrea, despite being the "biggest underdog" (not really -- women traditionally do well in endurance challenges and Andrea actually won immunity in one earlier this season) has won her way back in the game. He then has Grant, the first loser, burn his buff and walk out. Grant does, and actually gets a good-bye interview, saying that he might have fallen short of the million dollar prize, but feels like he received plenty of gifts during his time on the show. Aw, he seems like a nice guy. Who smokes a lot of pot. It would have been nice to get to know him beyond his, like, four interviews and the one Tribal Council where he talked about how much he loves his fiancée. I will not miss his nasty dreadlocks, though. Matt is the to go, and he says he spent 29 of 36 days on Redemption Island but he was never alone. Guess who was with him the entire time? The cameraman! Also God. Matt says he was happy to be a "vessel" for God or whatever. I'm just so happy the God is finally over. Until the Final Tribal, when he'll probably bring it up again because this kid apparently talks about nothing else. Mike is the last to leave. He says he was really hoping to win and get back in the game, but he didn't. Thank you, Mike. As always, you have very little to say. With that, Probst calls the Murlonios down to welcome Andrea back in the game, which Phillip does very sweetly, actually. Every once in a while he acts like a pleasant human being. It's nice. Probst asks Andrea if she feels like she's part of Murlonio now after they blindsided her. Andrea says she doesn't and she'll have to win immunity and work some strategies. But Rob gets the last word, of course, saying that he's not super-worried about Andrea being back in the game because Ashley is his target and the person he's most afraid of going against at the end due to being the only other person trying to play this game.
Andrea returns to her camp. She says coming back was awkward and her tribe obviously wasn't that happy to see her, which she expected. She says she doesn't want to sit back and wait for something to happen this time around, because if she does then she'll just get voted out again. To that end, she talks to Ashley and Natalie, telling them that the people on Redemption Island saw everyone in Rob's alliance as his puppets and thus have no desire to vote for any of them except Phillip, who Ralph is apparently ready to vote for, and Matt and Mike and even Andrea started to agree with him. Andrea then interviews that she totally lied to them and that no one is planning on voting for Phillip. She's just trying to plant seeds here. I'm not sure how successful that was, though, since as soon as she's gone, Ashley turns to Natalie and asks if they're voting for Phillip if Andrea wins immunity. So yeah, they're still ready to vote Andrea out. Ashley wants to make sure that Phillip will be the one to go and not her, since she thinks Rob wants to keep Phillip around. Natalie says what Rob wants doesn't matter if the three girls vote the same way. Ashley mutters that she's not sure if they should trust Rob, then interviews that she was actually happy that Andrea came back in the game, since she won't be teaming back up with Rob and therefore might ally with her and Natalie, giving them the majority. As for Natalie, she says she wants to "relax today and figure it all out tomorrow." Because waiting is always a good idea in this game.
Murlonio return to camp. Ashley says she's very happy about winning, but doesn't get a chance to celebrate her victory before Rob calls everyone except Andrea down to the beach to talk. On the way out, he calls back to Andrea "sorry, Andrea, you're ." Ew. So cocky. Are we supposed to root for this guy when he says stuff like that? Andrea's just like, "whatever. Bye." Rob interviews that Andrea is a "no-brainer" to go home tonight now that Ashley has immunity, and that's pretty much all they have to say at their meeting. Rob heads out to fish, saying that tonight is the last night he's able to use his idol but he's so confident that he won't need it that he's not going to use it. Surely he's not that stupid, right?
While Rob is off by himself being way too confident, Ashley talks to Natalie. She says that she'll only vote for Andrea tonight if she knows that Phillip is going , and she's not so sure if that's part of Rob's plan. She thinks Rob would rather go to the end with Phillip than Ashley. Natalie lies that Rob told her he's keeping Ashley over Phillip, but she does add a "you just never know." Ashley asks Natalie for a promise that she'll vote for Phillip and not Ashley. Natalie promises her this. Ashley plays up their friendship and their alliance. Phillip, meanwhile, takes notice of Ashley and Natalie going off to talk to each other and realizes that's no good for him or Rob. Thrilled to have a reason to remind us that he thinks he used to be a federal agent, he says he went into his "special agent mode" and reported back to Rob all about the girls' activities while he was away. Um, that's not being a special agent. That's tattling. But then! Natalie and Ashley are watching Phillip and Rob talk from the shelter and now they're suspicious. Meanwhile, Andrea has just been sitting there listening to everything Phillip says to Rob, which he only notices after he's said everything. Andrea interviews that she's not really sure what's going on right now or why Phillip and Rob felt the need to openly discuss that stuff right in front of her. "Rob and Phillip in front of me are openly talking. I can hear them!" she says. She thinks it's "weird." I think it just shows how confident Rob and Phillip are that Andrea is leaving and thus doesn't matter to their game. Finally, Phillip and Rob go off together to talk without Andrea around. Andrea takes her chance to talk to Natalie and Ashley. She asks if they've made up their minds about tonight, and they say they haven't. Andrea says that's good, because it might not be a good idea to go up against Rob in the Final Three. "People are gonna vote for him," says the girl who just told them that everyone wanted to vote for Phillip. Oops.
Phillip talks to Rob in the woods about Ashley and Natalie's woods conference. Andrea keeps working on the girls about voting for one of the guys. She says she's going to vote for Rob tonight and hopes they vote with her. Then they can decide if they want to take Phillip to the end or make it an all-girls Final Three. This seems to be sinking in for Natalie, who interviews that she probably won't win against Rob in front of a jury, and sometimes you have to do things that make people upset. Rob and Phillip finally finish speaking, and Rob doesn't seem very worried about the news of Ashley and Natalie's meeting. He says that's what Day 37 is all about, and he knows this as someone who has played this game so many times before. He thinks he knows everything everyone is going to do and say before they even do or say it, so I guess people shouldn't even bother trying to go against him. They should all just let him win and thank him for the privilege of playing alongside him. Rob seems sure that Natalie will never turn on him and he can take the idol home as a souvenir instead of playing it. "I like the gamble," he chuckles. Maybe, but there's no way he's not playing that idol tonight. He just humoring the producers and giving the editors some material to try to manufacture suspense.
The Final Five arrive at Tribal Council. In walk the jury, now with three new members. Probst asks Rob if he's starting to get paranoid at this stage of the game. Rob says he is because a lot of people are telling them a lot of different things. Probst asks Phillip if he was one of the people talking to Rob. Phillip says he definitely was, because he is an "undercover specialist." "Obviously, you've forgotten my title," he scolds Probst. Grant, now on the jury and so having no need to curry favor with Phillip, busts out laughing. The rest of the jury follows. Probst keeps a straight face and asks Phillip if he was successful in his mission. Phillip rambles on instead of answering, so Rob takes over and says that he asked Phillip to look out for anyone plotting against him. Probst says that, obviously, the three remaining women were plotting against Rob. Rob says they were.
Probst asks Ashley if she's surprised that Rob sicced Phillip on her. Ashley says she isn't, since Rob has to know that he's had a target on his back since the game began. "He's Boston Rob. Who wouldn't want to take him out?" she says. Apparently quite a few people, since he's still in this game and no one ever really tried to get rid of him. Probst then asks Andrea how easy of a choice it is to align with the two women against the men. Andrea says it is, so she got together with Ashley and Natalie and pointed out that the jury is very smart and will give Rob all the credit for pulling the strings in this game and the million dollars if they don't vote him out first. So this is their chance to do something strategic in this game for the first time. Ashley and Natalie don't seem to appreciate Andrea saying that they've done nothing strategic this entire game. Way to get your ass voted out right there, Andrea. Probst asks Natalie if Andrea makes a good point. Natalie says that Rob is a huge threat and she's going to do what she thinks will get her the furthest in this game.
Probst asks Rob if Andrea isn't a super awesome powerhouse, having beaten Grant, Mike, and Matt to win a place back in the game. Rob says she was in the quadruel and continued to be when she almost won immunity today. He sings Andrea's praises before noting that that makes her a dangerous person to go up against in the Final Three. With that, they vote. Andrea votes for Rob. We don't see how anyone else votes, because they obviously all voted for Andrea. Unbelievable. Natalie and Ashley are idiots. Or they would be, except that we know now that they both knew that Rob had the idol and would almost definitely play it, so there was no point in trying to vote him out. Probst returns with the urn. Does Rob play his idol? Of course he does. So Andrea is doubly screwed. And she knows it. Probst reads the votes. One for Rob. One for Andrea, with a heart drawn on it that pretty much guarantees it was written by a woman. Sure enough, the rest are for Andrea as well. Redemption Island: meaningless. Two people came back into the game from Redemption Island and both were immediately voted out. Andrea gets the first proper good-bye post-Tribal speech of the season, saying that she was hoping the other girls would make a big move and do something strategic but they didn't, and so she has no respect for them. You know, it might have been in Ashley and Natalie's best interests to both vote for Rob even knowing that he was going to play that idol, because then at least they would have given the jury a reason to vote for one of them in the end over Rob. But they didn't, so Rob is just one Final Immunity Challenge win away from having this game in the bag.
The Final Four return to camp. Phillip demands a group hug that you know none of them want to take part in and interviews that he always suspected that Rob had the idol and thinks he played it "brilliantly." He says he can't believe he's in the Final Four (seriously) and that his Stealth R Us alliance did exactly what it set out to do. Uh ... except for the part where Grant was there with them. Natalie and Ashley again celebrate being the last girls standing and Ashley does her now-standard bitchterview saying that Andrea said she and Natalie didn't make any big moves in this game, but they're still in the game and Andrea isn't. "So I get the last laugh when all is said and done," says the person who might have had a chance to win this thing if she'd gone to the end with Natalie and Andrea. Phillip goes off to get water, and Rob hugs Natalie and Ashley and promises them the Final Three. Rob interviews that after ten years and over a hundred days in this game, he is just one immunity challenge away from winning the million dollars.
The four arrive at the challenge. Wait, what's this? Where's the stupid walk of fallen contestants? Damn! I love that walk. It wastes so much time and makes this show that much easier to recap. Now I have to recap three hours of actual content. Probst explains the challenge: each contestant must race through a maze to collect bags of puzzle pieces. There are only eight pieces, but each one is a mini-puzzle in itself that has to be solved to figure out what the letters on it are before trying to create the phrase "only you are safe" out of them. This is looks pretty difficult, and thus worthy of a Final Immunity Challenge. Probst calls go and they are off. It's a very big maze, so there's a lot of going the wrong way and getting lost from all of the contestants. Ashley decides to follow Rob and makes it to the first station just after him. Meanwhile, Phillip gets his first bag from a different station. And Natalie is running back and forth aimlessly.
Ashley and Rob get to another station and grab their second bags. Phillip also gets a second bag from a station. I will laugh my ass off if he wins this. I mean, seriously. That would almost redeem this season. Rob tries to run away and lose Ashley, but she sticks behind him. They get their third bags. Phillip has fallen behind, sadly. Natalie is whatever. Rob gets his fourth bag. Ashley is close behind. Phillip manages to find a third bag, but Rob and Ashley are now making their way to the end to solve their puzzles. As for Natalie, Probst says: "Natalie! One bag. Has only one bag." How can she possibly be this bad at this? Is she just not trying? Rob and Ashley start working on their puzzles. Somehow, Ashley manages to get two of the words: "safe" and "only." Rob doesn't have any yet, and has the balls to suggest to Ashley that they work together on this. But Ashley won't tell him what she has. And I'm not sure why he can't just bend over and look at her board, since it's right there in plain sight like that. Both contestants start piecing together the solution. It looks like Ashley has it again, but in the end, it's freaking Rob with the win. And he is fucking thrilled about it because he knows that pretty much just won him a million dollars. He screams and jumps up and down, then starts crying. So does Natalie, but only because she sucked so much in that challenge. Phillip sucks up as Rob is given the immunity necklace, saying "that was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful." Rob tearfully interviews that Amber was the person who encouraged him to come back and try this stupid game for a fourth time because she "believed" in him. Yeah, and wanted a million dollars. And probably wanted him out of her hair for a month. Rob claims that he'll be okay even if he doesn't win the million now that he's made it into the Final Three. "I feel like I did my best," he says. And then he stops being sentimental and says now he has to figure out which of the "three idiots" to send home tonight.
The four return to camp and group hug again. Phillip and Ashley compete with each other to see who can suck up to Rob the most as Rob says that his job today is to convince both Phillip and Ashley that he's taking them to the finals with him just to keep the peace around camp before Tribal, when he votes one of them out. See, this is the kind of shit that makes the jurors not want to vote for Rob. There's really no reason for him to lie to anyone at this point since he has immunity, but he's doing it anyway. Then again, when those people last season tried to be upfront and honest with Jane that they were voting her out, she threw a fit and it was horrible and awkward for everyone, including the audience, so maybe he's doing everyone a favor. Rob still wants to vote Ashley out, but he's not sure if he'll be able to convince Natalie to vote with him. Phillip goes off to collect wood, so Rob tells Ashley that they're voting for Phillip tonight but he doesn't want anyone to tell Phillip that lest he freak out on them. So he's going to tell Phillip to vote for Ashley tonight. Ashley thinks that's a good idea and interviews that she's confident that Rob is telling her the truth, especially since she has such a close bond with Natalie that she would definitely tell her if Rob was lying. She makes sure to tell Natalie to tell her if she hears "anything," though, so she's not totally comfortable. Natalie also seems to believe that Phillip is the one leaving tonight, as she interviews that she's really looking forward to spending her final day in this game without him.
Phillip talks to Rob. He asks if Rob told Ashley he's voting for her tonight. Rob says Ashley thinks Phillip is going. Phillip is fine with that. Like Ashley, he trusts Rob's promises. In the shelter, Natalie is still reassuring Ashley that she has nothing to worry about. Rob interviews that Ashley somehow managed to develop a bond with the Zapatos when they were in the camp and he's afraid they'll vote for her over him in the end. Phillip, of course, is not close with anyone on Zapato. Thus, Rob says, he's going to have to try to convince Natalie to vote for Ashley. He tells her on the beach. As Rob predicted, she does not look happy about it. "But why?" she asks dramatically. He says Ashley has too many friends on the jury. He knows it will be hard for Natalie to screw her friend over, but it has to happen. He tells her to "be strong." Natalie interviews that it's going to be very difficult for her to betray Ashley like that, but Rob keeps working on her on the beach, saying he promised he'd get Natalie to the end and he won't let her down and this is part of the game, etc. Natalie interviews that she didn't come out here to make friends, but she did anyway. If she didn't come on this show to make friends, then why did she come on? It certainly wasn't to, like, play the actual game of Survivor. The only thing we've seen her do this entire season is win one challenge, pluck Ashley's armpit hair, and follow Rob around everywhere.
As soon as Rob walks away, Ashley is there asking Natalie if Rob said anything to her about voting Ashley out. Natalie says he didn't. Natalie lied to Ashley. So Ashley's a goner, right? Maybe not, as Natalie then interviews that she would rather lose the game than lose Ashley's friendship. Because Natalie is 19 and therefore has no concept of what a million dollars could do. Also, she's stupid.
The Final Four arrive at Tribal Council. The jury enters, all looking kind of annoyed to see Rob with immunity. Andrea makes sure to shoot the women her most spiteful glare. Probst opens with some more singing of Rob's praises, saying that he won immunity when it mattered most, unlike Ashley, who totally lost it. He says she could have lost a million dollars right there, and Ashley calls it a "definite bummer." Probst says Rob's vote tonight is a big one since he has immunity. Well, not really. Natalie is probably the person with the deciding vote tonight. Either she goes with Rob and takes out Ashley or she chickens out and forces a tie. And then Phillip and Ashley face off in a fire-starting challenge that would be equally epic and pathetic. Ashley, of course, has no idea how to start a fire, and Phillip wouldn't be able to concentrate on starting his because you know he'd be too busy yelling at Ashley for trying to start hers wrong. I kind of want to see this happen, actually. Rob says he wants to go to the end with the people he's most likely to beat, but he's been to the end before and lost, so he knows there are no guarantees no matter who he takes to the end with him.
Probst asks Natalie if she plead her case with Rob today. She actually didn't, so she just says that she and Rob have been working and "making decisions" together this whole time so she hopes Rob wants to stand to her at the end. "I belong here," she says. Probst asks Phillip what his pitch was to Rob. Phillip says that Rob probably doesn't want to go up against him in the end because he'd be very difficult to beat. "I won how many challenges? Oh, that's right. I didn't win any," Phillip says. Ah ha! A glimmer of sanity and masterful gameplay! There is hope that Phillip will reveal himself to be a genius who was faking the craziness this whole time after all! Probst asks Ashley the same question. She says that she was loyal to Rob this whole game and passed up opportunities to screw him over, so I guess he owes her. But at least she's doing a great job winning over the jury. They'll all be thrilled to vote for the person who claims she kept Rob in the game instead of, you know, one of them. Probst then asks Ashley if she thinks she can win the game. "Yeah," she says stupidly. Probst asks if she thinks she has a better shot at winning than Natalie or Phillip. "Yeah," she says again, even more stupidly. If Natalie wasn't going to vote her out before, she's definitely going to do it now. Also, why isn't Probst asking Natalie or Phillip this question?
They vote. Phillip votes for Ashley, accusing her of being the laziest person he's ever met. Ashley votes for Phillip, saying she can't believe it took this long to write his name down, she won't miss him, and he's a "nutcase." The fact that she didn't say she was looking forward to seeing him leave the game, combined with her stupid answers at Tribal, makes me think that she knows she's being voted out tonight. Sure enough, Probst reads the votes. Phillip gets one. Ashley gets the rest. Natalie wipes a single tear from her eye as Ashley's torch is snuffed. Ashley turns around and waves to her with a smile, and Natalie mouths "I love you." Not enough to tell her she was being voted out tonight or to try to keep her in the game, though! Ashley leaves and Probst turns to one of the more unlikely Final Threes we've ever seen in this game and says they've gone as far as they can and tomorrow night it will be the people they voted out's turns to decide their fates. For her good-bye speech, Ashley says she really didn't know she was leaving tonight even though she knew she was the biggest threat to Rob's win (and said so! Openly!). But she thinks she played a great game and has nothing to be ashamed of. "I wouldn't change anything," she says. Really? Not even the part where she lost the last immunity challenge?
Day 39 dawns on Nicaragua. Phillip says he is at peace with himself and this game and proud of what he's accomplished. He seems rational to me, but then he ruins everything by showing up for his interview decked out in his finest feather headband with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders like an Indian chief as he talks about his great-great-grandfather and how he helped him through this game. "I thanked him for coming to sit a spell with me on this journey of a lifetime in Survivor," he says. I would be seriously pissed off if my great-great-grandfather chose this time to appear to me. Like, you can't show up and help me out in truly significant moments of my life, great-great-grandpa? You only show up when I just happen to be on TV with a chance to win a lot of money? Money-grubbing famewhore! Phillip says he's learned a lot about himself on this journey, like that it's okay to tell people that he has a "relationship with somebody that's been dead since 1870." Oh, no, Phillip, no. That is not okay. If that is all you truly learned on this show, then I don't even know what to say about you, other than I have very little hope that you're going to storm into the Final Tribal Council and reveal that you were pretending to be an obnoxious bossy asshole this whole time so Rob would take you to the end. Sure enough, Phillip then tells us what his plans for tonight's Tribal Council are: "I want to make it clear to the jury why they're sitting in the jury and I'm sitting in the Finals. I need to kind of put a little salt on that wound to make sure folks don't forget that." Hmm. That certainly is one of the worst Final Tribal Council strategies I've ever heard. Let's see how well it goes for Phillip.
The last day breakfast feast arrives, and the three are predictably thrilled to see it. Natalie interviews that this is the hardest thing she's done in her entire life. Well, duh. She's 19. This is, like, the only thing she's done in her entire life. "I feel like I stand for my generation," she says. Ha ha! Sucks to be you, 19-year-olds! Natalie is the symbol of your generation. I'd rather have Phillip, frankly. While the contestants chow down on all the food and toast to their final day, she continues that this game has shown her that she can do anything she puts her mind to in life. As long as, you know, what she puts her mind to happens to have a guy like Rob there to get her through it all with minimal effort on her part. She says that she's looking forward to proving herself to the jury tonight and thinks she has a chance to win.
Phillip asks Rob what he had to do and say to the others to keep them from voting Phillip out. Rob admits that it was not easy. Phillip laughs. Rob interviews that this is his 117th day in this game. "It's overwhelming," he says over a shot of Phillip bathing himself with a blur on the crotch of his pink panties. Why, editors? Rob reminds us that he's been this close to winning before, but the ultimate prize eluded him. He gives Natalie a last-minute pep talk, saying that the last time he went before the jury in this game, they were all very mean to him and tried to make him cry, and his one mistake was letting them make him feel bad. He says his biggest regret was apologizing to the jury and if he could do it over again, he would have told them all to kiss his ass instead. Rob tells us that he is not, of course, trying to help Natalie out in the end. He's telling her all the wrong things to do in front of the jury in the hopes that it will further sabotage her chances. Well, duh, Rob. That said, if Natalie actually did stand up and tell the jury to kiss her ass, it might actually win her a few votes just because it would show that she did have a backbone after all. Rob says he feels like he did his job in this game and he hopes the jury sees it that way and gives him the million.
Phillip strolls up wearing his swimsuit and holding his pink panties aloft. He has a speech to make: "I want to say that I was never proud to wear plum-colored underwear," he begins. Wait, WHAT? Then how the hell did he wind up stuck wearing them?! Did the producers make him wear them? Were they the last pair of underwear he had and it was laundry day so he wore them while waiting for his other, better undergarments to be cleaned only for the producers to grab him and shove him onto a helicopter that was on its way to the show? I'M SO CONFUSED!! Anyway, Rob is very happy to see the end of them. But Phillip isn't going to throw them into the fire yet, as his speech is not over. "I knew that my manhood was not reflected in the briefs that I wear but rather the character that I bring to the game," he says. Um, judging by how many times they had to blur his crotch area when he wore those panties, I'd say his manhood was definitely reflected in them. With that, Phillip finally tosses the briefs into the firepit. Except that there is no fire currently going in it. Phillip's speech was so long and boring that the fire put itself out. So he basically just tossed them in a pile of ash. And it's still not over! "My great-great-grandfather Jessum Herring would probably say 'like all good things, some things must come to an end.'" Way to get the quote wrong, Jessum. You'd think he had plenty of time wandering around in the afterlife to get it right. Phillip concludes that Jessum would be "pleased to see those [undergarments] come to an end." Really? Then why did he help Phillip find them where Julie hid them in the first place? And between Jesus and Jessum this season, I'm starting to wonder why people wandering around the afterlife don't have better things to do with their time. Or at least better shows to watch. Fittingly enough, Phillip's smoldering underwear takes us out of the Murlonio camp for the last time and into the Final Tribal Council.
Phillip may have disposed of his underwear, but he has managed to look just as ridiculous without them, as he arrives at Tribal wearing his blanket/chief robes and feather headband. The nine jurors arrive, and Ashley gets a second of screentime to shoot furious glares at those who betrayed her. She somehow manages to do this without cracking up at the sight of Phillip to them, so, good for her. Probst congratulates the Final Three and recites his traditional speech about how the power in this game will now shift to the jury. The Final Three will each have a chance to make their opening statements, two thirds of which will be absolute disasters, before the jurors yell at them and call them names and say they did horrible things just for money, like they all wouldn't have done the same thing if they had the chance.
Natalie's speech is first. She says she played the "best game that [she] could" and her true strength was her social skills and figuring out the best person to align with. Oh. She thinks that she was the one who chose to align with Rob? She says she and Rob had an alliance from the start and sticking with him got her all the way to the end of the game. She concludes by saying that if she wins, she'd be the youngest female to win this game. She'd actually be the youngest person period to win this game period, but it's not like she would know that, having never seen this show before. Also, that was a pretty crappy opening statement but I didn't really expect anything better from Natalie.
Phillip goes because Probst wants his precious Rob to have the final say. Here is Phillip's chance to tell everyone that this was all an act and he's not crazy and just played them all so everyone would want to take him to the end. Here is his chance to make that argument he promised us would give him the win over Rob. But he doesn't. And with that, this season officially totally sucked. He says he had a strategy for this game but had to change it when Rob was placed in his tribe. Then he wanted to vote Rob out but couldn't, so he apologized to Rob for that and Rob, benevolent god that he is, graciously accepted Phillip's apology. "I wouldn't be sitting here right now if it weren't for Boston Rob," Phillip says. This seems like a terrible argument for why Phillip should win anything, but maybe he's hoping that the jury will blame Rob for basically inflicting Phillip on all of them and not vote for Rob out of spite. Phillip then talks about his ridiculous Stealth R Us "concept" that he credits for being the reason why Onomatopoeia was able to stick together so closely and take out Zapato. "[Rob's] true name was The Mastermind," Phillip continues; "he came up with the whole concept on how we should go forward and I implemented it." Most of the jurors are burying their heads in their hands at this point. Phillip finishes by saying that Stealth R Us and his loyalty to Rob got him to the end. How is that an argument for why he should win? There were so many other, better things he could have said. Things he actually has said in interviews on this show! Why didn't he say any of them here? I will never understand him. I probably don't want to, either.
Rob then gets to speak. He thanks the jury for "letting" him play this game with them and especially thanks Onomatopoeia for being stupid enough not to vote him out ASAP like Zapato did to Li'l Russell. He says he was strong in challenges, strategic when it came to alliances, and a hard worker around camp. But, he says, none of that matters because the jurors have the power now and he is at their mercy that they will think his gameplay was the best of the Final Three and vote for him to win the game. And then he reminds them that although this show has been a part of his life for the past ten years, the most important thing to him is his family. He wants to win the money to provide for them. Which is great and all, but Rob could, you know, get a real job and provide for them that way, like most parents do. I mean, shit, Phillip has a son to provide for and you don't see him running around crying about him all the time. And Phillip is a crazy person!
And now it's time for the jury to be bitter and horrible. Andrea goes first. She addresses Phillip, opening with "you ... are weird." She says they've seen many different Phillips in this game, and she wants to know who the "real" Phillip is. THIS IS A GOOD QUESTION. I, too, would like to know the answer to it. But I have no hope that we'll get it at this point. Sure enough, Phillip says Andrea doesn't know who he is because he was always on the outs with his tribe. And if Andrea didn't make the effort to get to know him in all that time, then that's her fault and she shouldn't vote for him. Thank you, Phillip, for giving what might have been the worst possible answer to that question with the possible exception of throwing a live venomous snake at her face. Andrea then turns to Natalie and asks her about her "borderline creepy" attachment to Rob, one that ultimately caused her to betray her BFF Ashley. Ha! I bet she totally just stole Ashley's question. Natalie says she and Ashley had a "great friendship," but this game isn't about friendships. Rob came into this game with a ton of experience while Natalie had never been camping before in her life, so when he asked her to team up with him, she thought that sounded like a great idea. Andrea doesn't have a question for Rob, so she sits down as Natalie creepily apologizes to Rob for being creepy.
Ashley stands up . She hates Phillip and is looking forward to telling him so. "I'm going to speak and you're not going to comment," she says. After 38 days with this guy, how has she not learned that you don't try to boss him around? He immediately snaps back that he will comment if he wants to. "No, you're not," Ashley says. "Yes I will. I'm doing it now," he says. Well, what's she going to do about it? Tattle to Probst? Shut up, Ashley. "That's really pathetic. You look really pathetic," she says; "I wanna say my piece so you're just gonna sit there." Again, Phillip says he has no problem with her saying whatever she wants, but she doesn't get to boss him around. Ashley decides to just talk over him, and starts out by thanking him for teaching her patience in dealing with him for a "torturous 38 days." How was she patient with him? She screamed at him like every other episode. That's not patient. I hope she isn't this "patient" with her actual patients at her nurse job. "You sound like a little whiny child," Phillip says. Ashley gives up on Phillip and moves on to Natalie, asking her why she lied to her when she said she would tell her if she was being voted out. Natalie claims that she didn't know if Ashley was the one being voted out or not until ten minutes before Tribal Council, at which point there was apparently no way for her to let Ashley know the truth. Natalie then tries to suck up to Ashley, saying that she was the bigger threat to go in front of a jury with and no one wants to bring that to the end if he doesn't have to. Ashley snaps that Natalie is "sad" and then tells Rob that he lied to a lot of people and she was wrong to put him up on a pedestal like she did. Thanks for realizing that way too late, idiot. She says she doesn't know who he really is and doesn't think she wants to know. Which is probably fine with Rob, since he apparently never liked Ashley in the first place. And he did know the real Ashley.
Grant goes . He asks Natalie about her alliance with Rob and Rob about his alliance with Natalie, basically wondering what they had that Rob seemed to think he didn't with Grant. Natalie says Rob aligned with her from the very beginning and she always felt like she could trust him, while Grant was a much bigger threat to Rob winning than she ever was. Obviously. Rob says his alliance with Natalie began when she came up to him and said "tell me what to do." He also trusted and valued his bond with Grant, but knew that Grant could "kick [his] ass" in the end. So he didn't let him have the chance to try. Grant sighs that it would have been fun to battle Rob in the end. Fun for Grant, maybe. But I doubt that it would have been much fun for Rob because Rob wants to win a million dollars and going against Grant would have made it that much harder for him. Why does Grant not understand that? He's an idiot, too.
Ralph and his nearly incomprehensible accent are up . He accuses Natalie of not being able to do anything without Rob's consent, just "like a kid." Natalie, still apparently thrown by Andrea's comment about her being creepy with Rob, says she didn't know everyone thought she was too attached to Rob. She thinks she and Rob just had a "really good relationship." She says this while turning and looking at Rob, which Ralph points out. "You're afraid to make a decision without him," Ralph says, adding that he and Natalie never talked when they were in the game together. Natalie says that was part of her strategy, but Ralph thinks she was just following Rob's orders again. Natalie says she wanted her tribe to trust her, and after Matt was voted out for thinking of betraying Rob, she didn't dare make the same mistake. Ralph then asks Phillip why he only showed up tonight wearing two feathers in his headband instead of the entire chicken's worth that Ralph was hoping for. Or as Ralph puts it, "tell me why ain't you got more feathers than that?" Phillip actually smiles and says he could only collect the feathers he found, and he did not find a chicken's worth of feathers. "Do you really like me, Phillip?" Ralph then asks. That's a weird question. Phillip says that Ralph was his favorite person on Zapato and if they had started the game in the same tribe, he thinks they would have gotten along well. I doubt it, since I'm having a hard time thinking of Phillip getting along well with anyone. I'm surprised he hasn't snapped at his great-great-grandfather yet, really.
Matt almost breaks his ankle jumping down from the jury box, which the editors make sure we all see because they probably hate Matt. Matt and his beautiful mane of blonde hair have only one question, and it's for Rob. He wants to know where Rob draws the line in how he treats people, especially after doing this for 117 days over four seasons of this show. Rob says he draws lines all the time in his real life. He doesn't draw them on this show, because he's found that this is the best way that he can play the game: by making promises to people even though he knows he won't be able to keep them and making people believe his lies. He says it's harsh but effective. Matt says the people he betrayed don't know who Rob really is now. Really? Because they could have watched him on three seasons of this show before they went on it and found out. I'm just glad Matt didn't mention Jesus.
Julie goes up , and somehow she is the most bitter person on the entire jury even though she has no right to be. What did she do in this game? Nothing. She wasn't even good at challenges considering how muscular she is. "None of you played a respectable game," says the woman who helped her tribe throw a challenge to vote out one person and blindsided Sarita out of the game. Julie says that she told Natalie that her parents would be proud of her when she won that immunity challenge (I would hope my parents had more to be proud of me for than balancing balls on a plate for longer than anyone else, but whatever), but now that Natalie is in the Final Three and Julie's not, she doesn't think her parents will be proud of her and how she played this game. Julie says if Natalie were her daughter, she definitely wouldn't be proud of her for being Rob's "servant." Julie then informs Phillip that he was not brought to the end for his loyalty to Rob, but because everyone on the jury hates him. She doesn't think Phillip's son will be proud of the way his dad played this game. Phillip says his son will be proud of him because he worked hard and Julie even told him that. Julie admits that Phillip has a good work ethic. "The hell with you! The hell with you!" Phillip says. So he's basically managed to antagonize three out of the last five jurors. I wonder if it's a coincidence that those three jurors are female. Anyway, I can't really blame him for going off on Julie, who has no right to talk about other people's families and how proud or not proud they'll be. Yes, Phillip looks like a lunatic on national television and yes, he did wear unflattering underwear pretty much the entire time. But he'll probably also bring home the runner-up prize of $100,000 that I'm sure will go far in making his son's life better. Also, if I were Julie's daughters, I would not be proud of my mother for buying a house she couldn't afford and going into foreclosure. Low blow, but if Julie's going to go there then I will, too.
Julie finishes with Rob, saying he made it to the end with a "little girl" who rode his coattails and a guy everyone hates. Phillip interrupts her to say he didn't come on this show to get Julie's respect. "I came out here to kick a little ass, and I think I did that!" he says. Most of the jury bursts out laughing with that. Maybe Phillip will entertain them into giving him a million dollars? Ashley can't help but retort that Phillip certainly didn't kick ass when it came to challenges. "I didn't do it in the challenges, I did it in the social game," Phillip screams at the jury, displaying his ass-kicking social skills. "That's why none of you knew just how close I was to Boston Rob!" "Ooooooo!" the jury responds. Julie gets her chance to speak again, and tells Rob to make sure that his daughters grow up to be strong women and not like Natalie. As she sits down, Rob mutters to Natalie, "don't worry. They'll be all smiles later." To her credit, Natalie doesn't seem to care that much what Julie or the rest of the jury think of her.
Mike stands up and talks about himself and what he got out of his time on this show: friendships and inner peace and a stronger relationship with God. "Things you can't purchase with money," he says. That's good since, you know, he didn't win that much money. He wants to know what the Final Three learned aside from how to be better at this game than Mike was. Natalie says she had a lot to learn since she came here just out of high school with no camping and very little life experience. She learned that she's stronger and more capable than she thought she was and she loves her family. Rob says he learned that he's done with this show and this is his last day on it. Which is easy for him to say since he's been on it more times than anyone else. "I need to go home and take care of my wife and my children," he says. But if he's not on Survivor anymore, how can he do that? Certainly not by getting a real job! Phillip has switched back into not-crazy mode, and says that he's grateful he had an opportunity to do something like this and he learned that he could be on his own as an outcast for so long. He adds that he already knew that to some extent, but now he knows he can be really unpopular in demanding conditions. "I am a beacon in the Sheppard family!" he says. I have a feeling he's an outcast there, too.
Steve, still looking nearly dead, is a nice guy in the end. He congratulates Natalie for being so young and doing so well in this game, admittedly better than he did. He praises Rob for making it 117 days in this game after he couldn't get past Day 31. Um, did Rob even make it to Day 31 when he played this game the first time? Ultimately, Steve does not have kind words for Phillip: "I'm sorry for you for who you are, what you've grown into. I think you're a pretty shameful, sorry man." I usually don't like it when the jurors are sore losers like this, but I can't really blame Steve for being so bitter about Phillip after Phillip accused him of racism on national television. That would be a tough one for me to forgive, too. With that, Steve wishes Natalie and Rob luck.
David goes last even though he was voted out first. Because, he says, his speech will be "something completely different." Not really, as it turns out. We've been hearing what David is about to say all season long: Rob is awesome. So here it goes: David says he has no questions for the Final Three. Instead, he wants to talk to the jury and tell them that there is only logical choice to win the million tonight. It's not Phillip, since David doesn't think he deserves it. It's not Natalie, because she credited someone else for getting her this far. Rob "did everything," David says. And the best thing he did, David says, was blindsiding Matt so his allies wouldn't dare cross him. "Ruthless but brilliant," David says. David is officially creepier about Rob than Natalie. He reminds them that the returning contestant who claimed to be the best ever to play this game went home on Day 8. The other one played the "best strategic game this game has ever seen." Yes, and wasn't it boring? And while sure, Rob played a great game this season, it was also his fourth attempt. So it damn well better be after that much practice. By the way, why aren't Natalie and Phillip making that argument? Shouldn't they be answering every juror question with "don't give the money to a famewhore who played this game four times now. I mean, come on?"
Probst thanks the jury for their questions and lets them think about who they want to vote for during the commercial break. When it's over, the show ends on my DVR. Ugh, really? They have two freaking hours to fill for this show and they always have to cut into the reunion time. I guess that means we won't be hearing from or even seeing a good half of the cast again. Probst carefully reminds these idiots that they are voting for the winner tonight and that it has to be Rob, and then sends them off to vote. David, of course, votes for Rob, saying he wishes he played this game with him instead of against him. Idiot. If he had started this game on Rob's tribe he would have been one of the first people Rob got rid of, just like he took out all the other smart people on Onomatopoeia. Ralph goes and votes for "Phile," saying he hopes he spends the money wisely. And with that one vote for Phillip, Ralph ensures that Phillip wins $15,000 more than Natalie, because she is obviously not going to get any votes and thus get third place. Phillip will now get second place. Which is pretty amazing considering that he really should have been the first person voted out. "I love you, man. Have a great one," Ralph says. That's all we see. Probst grabs the urn, thanks the contestants for the worst season of this show ever, and heads off to the live show.
Live from New York City (recorded earlier), it's Survivor! Probst takes his sweet ass time walking to the stage. I'm impressed with how well Natalie cleaned up. She looks great! Maybe too much eye makeup, but they always do that to women on the reunion shows. Probst congratulates the Final Three again and asks Natalie if she's nervous. Natalie says she is, like she has a chance in hell of winning. Rob is positively glowing because he has to know he won the shit out of this thing. Probst asks Natalie if she has a shot to win. Even as stupid and clueless as she is, she must know that she doesn't, so she says that she learned a lot from playing this game and did her best or whatever. Probst asks Rob the same question. He says he "hopes" he'll win tonight. And Phillip keeps it simple, saying only "yeah."
Probst reads the votes. One for Rob. One for Phile. And the rest, of course, are for Rob. Duh. He stands up and thanks the jury, then runs down to hug Amber and his two daughters. Surely Amber knew she was going to be on camera tonight, right? Why is she wearing, like, a T-shirt and jeans? Anyway, it's a happy moment and his kids are cute, so that's nice. Boring, but nice. I guess I'm glad that Rob won since he did play a good game, but it's hard to be happy for him when he chose such a boring way to do it. Oh well. Onto the reunion show!
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.