Women Are Useless And/Or Bitchy

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Cracks are starting to develop in both tribes' majority alliances, as Stephanie and Krista use their trip to the Redemption Island Arena (where Kristina falls to Matt, sadly) to let fellow audience members Rob and Grant know that they will flip to their side in a heartbeat if they get the chance. And with Rob and Grant out of camp for a while, Andrea and Phillip have a chance to bond over their outsider status. They won't need to use it against the rest of their tribe this week, however, as Onomatopoeia finally win a challenge for real, thanks to Rob's ability with puzzles, Sarita's decision to have Stephanie solve their puzzle instead of designated puzzle-solver David, and Ralph's inability to follow the simplest of instructions. That means it's down to Krista and Stephanie going to Redemption Island tonight, and though the scheming and thoroughly unpleasant Stephanie seems like the obvious choice, Krista is voted out.

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Fresh from voting Kristina out, Onomatopoeia return to camp and wait to die of either pneumonia from all the rain or from being murdered by Phillip, who says he wasn't surprised to get three votes tonight because he knows he's the odd man out of his tribe and there's a tight alliance that he isn't a part of, no matter how obviously valuable he is to them. The tribe beds down for the night wearing very little clothing so they won't sleep in rain-soaked clothes. That means Phillip and Rob will be spooning. Rob makes sure Phillip is wearing underwear. Phillip says he is, but Rob shouldn't have been worried about that anyway. He only kills people in their sleep. He doesn't have sex with them. The morning, Rob complains about Phillip as a sleeping buddy, saying he stuck his knee in Rob's back all night long. Rob thinks he did it on purpose because he's angry about the Tribal results. I think he did it to make a point to Rob that he was not going to try to have sex with him in his sleep. Or maybe that wasn't his knee. Rob interviews that Phillip is crazy, annoying, cannot be trusted, and insists on walking around in nothing but pink briefs and his awesome white loafers. This, Rob says, kind of makes Phillip a great ally. Hey, that's how Li'l Russell got to the end twice. Why not?

Over at Zapato, the alliance of six HEROES are feeling good and catching fish. Steve says he'd love for Krista and Stephanie to be part of their club, although that's ridiculous since if they are, then ... who do they vote out ? Or maybe they're just planning not to lose ever again. Mike fetches the treemail, and it's time to send two more people to the Redemption Island arena. The four people who haven't gone yet pick tiles, and Krista and Stephanie win the chance to go. Julie doesn't really care what they do, saying way too confidently that with Li'l Russell gone, they pose no threat to her alliance and nothing they do really matters. "They can't do any damage to us," she says. Well, we'll see about that. Indeed, Stephanie is planning to let the other tribe's representatives know that they hate their tribe and will flip to their side at the first available opportunity. This would be a solid plan if the merge wasn't so far away.

The girls arrive at the arena, and Rob and Grant take their places as Onomatopoeia's representatives. Matt and Kristina arrive. Hey, remember last week when Li'l Russell was on Redemption Island and we got to watch him for like fifteen minutes? Well, this is the first we're seeing of Kristina. Matt seems like a decent enough guy, but I am rooting for her. Probst explains the challenge: each player will grab a bunch of Tetris-like pieces that must be put together in the shape of a cube. Nothing more, nothing less. Probst says go, and Matt has an early advantage in that he is physically stronger than Kristina and can get his pieces to the platform first, but Kristina is not far behind. It looks like Matt will have a quick win, but with two pieces left to place ... he has to start over. Kristina isn't doing much better, although she isn't distracted by Rob's presence like Matt is. He calls Rob a "rascal" who voted him out for no reason. He says he'd love to know why. Rob just says he wasn't the only person who voted Matt out. Meanwhile, Kristina is really struggling with the heavy pieces. She could lose this just because those pieces seem to be so heavy. Indeed, Matt suddenly figures it all out and wins. He laughs in Rob's face and hugs Kristina, who is still exhausted when they're called in front of Probst. Probst asks Matt if he learned anything from Rob or Grant today, and Matt says he thought he had a Final Three alliance with them and hopes to get back in the game and back on their tribe. So they can vote him right back out again, I guess. Kristina says nothing, as she can barely stand. Stephanie sees her chance and says she wishes she was as loyal to her tribe as Matt seems to be to his. Well, that's because Matt's an adult and you are a sulky baby, Stephanie. She says that even though Zapato has more members, two of them would flip in a second. Krista agrees. Probst asks Rob how he feels about this, and Rob says it sounds good if it's the truth. Stephanie assures him that it is. Rob gives her a thumbs up.

Anyway, it's not all about these camera whores. Kristina is out of this game, as sad as she is about it. I'm sad, too! She and Francesca are way too awesome to leave so soon. And to be stuck at the Loser Lodge with Li'l Russell -- no one deserves that. Matt is sent back to his lonely island, and the rest are sent back to their tribes. Rob mutters a "hang in there" to the girls on his way out. Stephanie is extremely proud of herself and says Rob is her only chance in this game. She'd better hope she's on the right side of a tribe swap in the five minutes or it won't matter what Rob says or does.

Back at Camp Onomatopoeia, Phillip has been left behind with a bunch of women who do their best to pretend he doesn't exist. Phillip sighs that he doesn't seem to be able to say or do anything to win them over, and that's frustrating. He says it's just as difficult as it is to approach his crabs. Those crabs are running away from you because you're chasing them around with a spear, Phillip. I'm sure he'll be throwing one at the girls soon too if they don't pay attention to him. Phillip says of the three women, Andrea is the most approachable, but she doesn't want to be seen talking to Phillip and incur the wrath of Rob, who already sent her beloved to Redemption Island. As for the girls, they miss having Rob and Grant around, especially since now they have to pretend to like Phillip and Andrea. Ashley seems to think she's doing a great job of it, but ... no. She isn't even fooling Phillip, and he's crazy. Andrea, in return, isn't particularly thrilled with the girls, saying they "don't do that much." While she showers in a waterfall with them and their tragic bikini cameltoes, Andrea says she doesn't really want to hang out with Natalie and Ashley, but she has to so they'll think she's on board with them. It's getting difficult, though, she says, as all they talk about is superficial stuff. Instead of listening to them, she collects firewood. She interviews that she'd rather see Ashley and Natalie go before Phillip, but there's nothing she can do or say to make that happen.

Phillip finally makes his move. He gets Andrea alone and praises her for being "the best female worker here." Andrea admits that this game has been frustrating for her. Phillip says he's even more frustrated, because he hasn't connected with anyone on his tribe. Well, whose fault is that, Phillip? You could have had friends in Francesca and Kristina, but then you turned against them and helped vote them out. Also, you make everyone uncomfortable with your choice of underwear and general insanity. Phillip says Andrea is probably the person he's closest to, and that's not saying much. Andrea suddenly asks him if he ever, at any point in this game, tried to throw her under the bus. Phillip very seriously assures her that he has not. And even if he did, what would it matter? Rob and Grant are pulling all the strings in this tribe. Everyone seems to have a special partner in this game except him. Andrea says her special partner is "long gone." Phillip says Matt could always come back, and maybe if he does, then he, Matt, and Andrea could form an alliance. Andrea nods. Phillip interviews that he made some progress with Andrea today, and hopefully that will benefit him down the road. It just occurred to me that this crazy person is still in this game. Awesome. Rob and Grant return to camp. Rob jokes that Kristina won the challenge, then tells the truth. Phillip interviews that Rob is the king of this tribe and Phillip is a lord, just waiting for his chance to seize control. And then Phillip laughs because I think he's starting to realize how full of crap he is.

Krista and Stephanie reluctantly return to camp. Stephanie says they should tell the rest of the tribe everything that happened except for the part where they made it clear that they hated their own tribe. Stephanie says Rob is probably nervous about his position in the game since he just saw Li'l Russell get voted out of his tribe "for no reason" (uh ... ), so he'll be very interested in having two more votes on his side. Stephanie says they just need to keep winning challenges. "Yeah, okay," Krista says, her input always so useful.

Lucky Day 13. Steve randomly mutters about teamwork and being successful and whatever else was drilled into his skull in his years of football training. Krista says that since Li'l Russell left, there has been zero talk of strategy and all people in her tribe seem to do is praise each other and talk about how awesome they're all doing. Why would Krista think they would discuss strategy in front of her? And what strategy do they really have to discuss at this point? They're good until they lose two immunity challenges and have to pick each other off. And it's not like Krista is some brilliant strategist, seeing as how she can barely keep up with Stephanie's machinations. Krista and Stephanie decide to make lunch for the group to further isolate themselves, or, as Stephanie puts it, so they won't have to hear the same boring stories over and over again. The others notice, but, like Julie earlier, aren't too concerned. Mike interviews that it's risky to have them there plotting against everyone else, but he can't see how Krista and Stephanie can possibly hurt them. Everyone gets ready for the challenge, and Julie interviews that people on her tribe are "overconfident" about their chances of winning, although they do have reason to be. Once again, she says she hopes throwing that challenge doesn't come back to bite them in the ass. Did they just recycle that from last week? Or is that all Julie says?

The tribes arrive at the reward/immunity challenge. This week, it's a blindfolded challenge! Hooray! I love these. I especially love how the challenge builders intentionally make the barriers so they're taller than the contestants' knees but shorter than their hips to maximize the chances of them all falling on top of each other. This time, one caller from each tribe will guide the rest of his blind tribemates through a maze to collect bags of letter tiles. There are also coffee beans in the bags, because we're in Nicaragua. Once all the tiles have been collected, the caller must then use the tiles to spell out a phrase. Basically, this challenge has been designed so that Rob, veteran of three seasons and plenty of challenges like this, will be able to win the challenge for his struggling tribe. And not only will his tribe win immunity, but they will also get a bunch of breakfast items. The tribes salivate, especially Ralph, who says he'd be willing to eat the actual basket the pastries are sitting in. Okay, termite. Zapato elects to sit Steve and Julie out and then they need to pick someone to be the caller. Sarita nominates Stephanie, saying she's really bossy and so should be good at the calling part of her job, and has faith in her puzzle-solving abilities as well. This doesn't sit well with David, who doesn't appear to speak up in the strategy session but does interview that he's the best puzzle-solver on his team and so should be the one to do this, but Sarita is trying to give everyone a chance to play like it's a kids' sports league. Actually, I think Sarita is giving Stephanie a chance to win or lose this challenge for the tribe, which is kind of win-win for them. If she wins, obviously, then they win. If she loses, then they have another reason to vote her out at Tribal. I doubt David would want to have that kind of pressure resting on his shoulders, which is why I didn't see him volunteer to take the role on at any point before the challenge. Over at Onomatopoeia, the decision is simple: Rob does everything.

Probst calls go, and blindfolded hijinks ensue. People walk into each other, stumble around, and, at some point, collect the coffee bags. Zapato quickly gets three bags, while Onomatopoeia is the first to get a bag onto the puzzle table. Sarita tries to get her bag back as well, but it's difficult when Stephanie's attempts to lead her to the table are constantly interrupted by Ralph screaming for instructions. He refuses to obey Stephanie's orders to be patient and shut up, but Sarita and Krista are somehow able to get their bags on the table anyway. Mike gets a third bag back, while Onomatopoeia is just behind with two bags on the table. Meanwhile, Ralph and David are calling out to Stephanie, although Ralph is much more annoying. "Wait 'til I address you!" Stephanie tells Ralph, tragically using a big word like "address" that Ralph cannot possibly understand.

Onomatopoeia get their third bag back, tying it up. Stephanie finally tells Ralph it's his turn to receive instructions. "Move to your left!" she says. Ralph moves to his right. "YOUR OTHER LEFT!" Stephanie shrieks. You know, it's hard to feel sorry for her because she is so unpleasant and has such poor taste in allies, but I did feel a twinge of sympathy for her here. Meanwhile, Grant gets Onomatopoeia's fourth and final bag. Ralph does too, somehow, and makes his way back to the table as Rob starts on the puzzle. Krista grabs the bag from Ralph and slams it on the table, allowing Stephanie to start the puzzle as well. Probst sings Rob's praises, saying he has a time advantage and is one of the best puzzle-solvers in the history of ever just as Rob stupidly knocks a letter tile on the ground without realizing it. Stephanie manages to get all of her letter tiles without dropping any on the ground and does it before Rob can get all of his bags open, putting her tribe back in the lead. She also, it appears, figures out the final word of the phrase, "victory," which bodes very well for her tribe. Meanwhile, Rob hasn't managed to spell out any words, but he did realize that he was missing a tile, so that's good. Suddenly, Rob gets a flash of brilliance and figures out three of the five words: victory, the, and of. Stephanie's tribemates cheer her on. "Shut up," she mutters. So, instead of cheering her on, they decide to whisper to each other about how David should have been the caller instead of Stephanie. Rob finally figures out the last two words and spells out "the sweet taste of victory." Probst proclaims him the winner, and his tribe runs over to embrace him while Zapato continue to blame their loss on David not being the caller and puzzle solver. A vulture buzzard thing symbolically lands near Krista and picks at a dead fish.

Probst gives Onamatopoeia their reward and the immunity idol, then sends both tribes back to their camp. Julie says that they may have lost the challenge, but that means they'll be able to get rid of Krista or Stephanie tonight, so it's all good.

The vulture buzzard is still picking away at the dead fish, albeit now on Onomatopoeia's beach, as they return to camp and dig into their reward. The sugar high causes them all to dance around oddly and Phillip to act somewhat normal, interviewing that today's win means we get to see his bright white teeth as he is full of smiles. The ladies of the tribe even let him hug them, but none of them go for his offer to trade one of his donuts for a massage.

Meanwhile, Grant has learned a few tricks from his best buddy Rob, and takes a look inside their jar of coffee to find a reward clue. Which isn't really that brilliant since they totally hid a reward clue scroll in a jar of coffee like two seasons ago. A season in which Rob was a contestant, by the way. Grant tells Rob to take a sniff of the coffee so he'll see the clue, too, but now they have to figure out how to get it without the rest of the tribe seeing them. Fortunately, the rest of their tribe are morons, so all they have to do is take the jar and walk away. Rob takes the scroll and says he's going to go hide it, while Grant brings the coffee beans back to camp. Grant returns to camp with his nose stuck in the coffee jar, acting like it's just the smell of beans that has him so excited. Rob, meanwhile, decides to switch the new clue with his older one, since he knows it'll be impossible for Grant to find the idol with that vague clue and, thus, Grant will never realize that the idol has already been found. Also, Rob is doing this because he's bored and knows it will make for good TV. Sure enough, he shows the clue to Grant and they both have no idea what to make of it. They end up burying it elsewhere. Rob cheerfully interviews that at least he's finding ways to entertain himself.

While a bunch of nasty birds eye a sea turtle's freshly-laid eggs hungrily, the six Zapato allies get together to do some fishing and talk about how David should have done the puzzle instead of Stephanie. Sarita defends her decision, saying that David gets too stressed under pressure. David does not appreciate this. He says he's awesome under pressure. Sarita says she knew he'd be good at the puzzle, but wasn't so sure about the maze part. David says he is going to do all the puzzles from now on and that's it. Again, he could have stepped up and said this back before the challenge started, but he was perfectly happy to let Stephanie take on the responsibility and thus the fall. And now he's perfectly happy to let Sarita take the blame for choosing Stephanie in the first place when it was supposedly a group decision. They return to the camp and continue to discuss the loss. Mike says they just need to win again and will as long as they don't have the same "personnel problems" they did today. Stephanie doesn't like hearing that, but can't really say anything about it, either. Mike interviews that Krista and Stephanie chose to align with Li'l Russell, so the fact that one of them is going home tonight is their own fault.

While Mike would rather see Stephanie the challenge loser go home first, Julie and Sarita discuss voting Krista out first, saying she's totally useless while they might be able to "work on" Stephanie if given enough time. Hmm!! Sounds like the women of Zapato are thinking of going in on a female alliance, which seems like a fine idea to me, since the men in their tribe are assholes like David and Ralph and possibly Steve. Sarita says she'd rather see David go home before anyone else, since she doesn't trust his lawyerly ways. But she knows that's not happening, so it's between Krista and Stephanie. Krista and Stephanie, for their part, decide not to do or say anything to save themselves, as the tribe is full of "dumb-asses," and so it's pointless. Stephanie mutters that Steve is the biggest liability in the tribe, as he does nothing around camp and "is not a good athlete." Right, except for those thirteen years where he was a professional athlete. Krista says they'll just have to hope they do well on Redemption Island and get back in the game, since their tribemates "aren't playing the game." She interviews that her tribe is too locked into their alliance and refusal to play strategically to consider voting out one of their alliance instead of one of the two women who are clearly plotting against them and would never in a million years side with them when the merge happens and have made that pretty freaking obvious.

Zapato arrive at Tribal. Probst takes all of two seconds before invoking the name of Li'l Russell, saying at their last Tribal, when he was VOTED OUT, Krista and Stephanie appeared to be in an alliance with him. He asks if that's still the case. Krista says it is -- she and Stephanie are in an alliance with a guy who isn't even in this game anymore, because they are just that good at playing this game. Krista criticizes her tribe for their lack of "game-playing" since Li'l Russell left, saying this is like camping with the Brady Bunch. I wonder who she got that line from -- Li'l Russell maybe? She certainly didn't come up with it herself.

Probst asks Sarita to weigh in on Krista's words. Sarita says she disagrees, pointing out that they did enough game-playing to vote Li'l Russell out. Krista says sticking with your alliance of six isn't good gameplay. Yes, it's a much better idea to be in an alliance of three against an alliance of six, especially when one of those three has already been voted out. That is a solid plan. Krista says that eventually, the alliance of six will be all that's left, and then they'll have to play the game. Well, yeah. Duh. And at that point, you've made it into the top six, so that's awesome. While Mike and Sarita straight-up laugh at her, Krista says she didn't come here to make friends -- she came to play! By making friends with Stephanie and then doing absolutely nothing to save herself. Mike finally speaks up and says that for all of Krista's talk about gameplay, she hasn't done much of it herself -- she hasn't tried to play the game with her tribemates or even tried to reach out to anyone or build any trust. "You've been abrasive this entire time to everybody. That was your strategy," Mike says. Thank you, Mike. You speak the truth. Krista says there wasn't anything she could really say other than encourage the others to vote Stephanie out before her. Mike says it's not about scrambling at the last minute on the beach -- Krista had thirteen days to try to talk to her tribemates and form some kind of bond.

Probst speaks up to ask if Krista is saying that after she and Stephanie are inevitably voted out, the six remaining contestants will have to start voting for each other and it will be difficult since they don't have any sub-alliances within their alliance. Krista says there are probably pairs that are closer to each other than the rest, naming Mike and Steve, Julie and Steve, and Sarita and Ralph, which leaves David as the odd man out. If Krista's right -- and I doubt she is, because she's stupid and probably not very observant -- that puts Steve in a nice position. Krista says the best move for one of the alliance pairs would be to team up with Krista and Stephanie for a tight team of four. Yes, and with eight people in the tribe, that tight team of four would go up against ... uh ... another tight team of four. Also, they'd be stuck in an alliance with Krista and Stephanie, who are unpleasant and hate everything. But I guess that's true strategic gameplay, according to Krista.

Probst turns to Mike and says the problem with not blindsiding someone is that she has the chance to prepare for Tribal Council. He claims that Krista just "outed" a lot of her tribe's inner workings. Mike says he's not too worried about it, since Krista hasn't been a part of any of the strategy talk that's been going on within the six-way alliance. Probst asks Steve how his tribe will decide who to vote out. Steve says he was disappointed in Stephanie's performance at the challenge today and wishes David had been on puzzle duty instead. Probst asks Stephanie to speak for the first time in this Tribal Council (either they edited out her comments thus far or Krista was just unusually chatty and Stephanie learned a lesson about keeping her mouth shut), asking her if it would be fair for her tribe to vote her out because she didn't come through for them at the challenge. Stephanie says all she can do is "rely on [her] record with them." You mean her record of being nasty and horrible to everyone? That's probably not a good idea.

Probst asks Krista if she and Stephanie have talked to each other about the possibility that one of them is leaving tonight. Krista says they've pretty much resigned themselves to that, and the only question is who will go first. I think Krista is pretty confident that it won't be her. A much more humbled Stephanie says they still have Redemption Island, so they'll just have to hope one of them can make it through and come back, because that's all they have left to hold onto in this game. I wonder if Krista and Stephanie would have done more scrambling and plotting if there was no Redemption Island to fall back on?

And so, the tribe votes. We don't see how anyone votes. Probst returns with the urn and reads off two votes for Steve. The rest are for Krista, except for one for "Crysta" (Ralph, you are an idiot). Wow, I thought Stephanie was gone for sure! I guess Sarita really does have a lot of pull with her alliance. Krista and Stephanie hug and whisper words of encouragement to each other, and Probst sends Krista on her way. Probst leaves us an attempt to make us think that Krista's words did any kind of damage to the six-way alliance so that Stephanie's upcoming ouster won't be so incredibly obvious.

You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.

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2018-09-02
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