In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
With Rob gone, the Villains can do nothing right. Jerri immediately regrets her decision to vote him out (as well she should) while Douche refuses to admit to himself that he was part of the reason why Rob is gone. Instead, he just complains about how everyone is terrible and then decides to sit Sandra and Courtney out in the reward challenge because he really wants to win disgusting Survivor pizza. Even though the reward challenge is bowling, which is something that Sandra and Courtney have as much a chance of doing well in as anyone else. Shockingly, the Heroes win the reward. The Villains don't go home empty-handed, though, as they brought their entire camp to the challenge in the hopes that there would be a merge. They get to take it all back with them, and now the mood is worse than ever. Sandra hates everyone except Courtney and decides it's time for her to actually get in the game, so she expertly figures out exactly how to play Li'l Russell and tells him that Douche is gunning for him to get back at him for voting Rob out. Li'l Russell falls for it, and when the Villains lose the immunity challenge, he's all for getting rid of Douche. Danielle dares to suggest that they keep the strength of Douche over Courtney, causing Li'l Russell to scream at her and run away. But then he appears to have a change of heart. At Tribal Council, Probst's love of Rob continues at Courtney's expense, causing her to be even more amazing than usual and call him "Jeffrey" before turning on Douche and calling him "Dad." And then she and Sandra fistbump. Oh, and then when she voted for Douche, she called him a lunatic and made fun of his hair feathers! With so much awesomeness, I was sure she would be the to go, but no! Sandra's plan worked perfectly and Douche is voted out.
Since Douche is gone, maybe now he can be available for personal appearances?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Probst's "previously on" segment is ridiculous this week. He claims that last week's episode was "the most epic battle" in all twenty seasons of this show, which can't possibly be true. I didn't even see Seasons 11-15 and I'm sure they had more epic battles. Hell, I had a more epic battle yesterday when I tried to resist the siren song of some coffee cake in my kitchen. I lost that battle, by the way. Probst then goes on to spend like five minutes worshipping Rob more than Douche ever did, telling us how amazing at everything he was. I do like how he said Li'l Russell was jealous of Rob's awesomeness, though.
The Villains return to camp. Li'l Russell and Parvati are very proud of themselves; Li'l Russell for engineering the ouster of Rob, and Parvati for "picking the right guy" to team up with. Li'l Russell gets way too close to the camera as he interviews that Rob was "after" him (which he really wasn't until like five minutes before Tribal Council when it was brought to his attention that Li'l Russell existed) and he beat him, so therefore he is the best player this game has ever seen. Although he's been saying that since the first episode of his first season, so, whatever. Meanwhile, Parvati and Danielle talk about how much fun it is to "blindside" people. I hope they aren't talking about Rob, because he really wasn't blindsided. He seemed pretty accepting of what his fate would be. "I only like doing it to people that deserve it," Danielle adds. "Me too!" Parvati quickly agrees. Like any of us believe that. Douche, meanwhile, stands around glaring at everyone. He interviews angrily that he never wanted Rob out of the tribe and now they're screwed. He calls the people who voted for Rob "cowards" and says Li'l Russell is a "bully." Dude, are you even serious? We all know the only coward last week was you because you didn't have the guts to take a stand one way or the other, and so put in a throwaway vote for Courtney knowing that Rob was getting four votes. Also, shouldn't he be crying about Rob calling him a "little man?" I think he might have told himself that a completely different set of events happened last week and he totally believes that to be true, much like he does about everything else.
On the beach, Jerri feels bad about voting Rob out and worries that it was the wrong thing to do. "I miss him already," she sighs. Douche finally has to ask her why, if that's true, was she the one who voted him out. Good point, Douche. Jerri claims to have no idea what Douche is talking about. I'm starting to wonder if the producers of this show, in their desire to keep Li'l Russell in the game as long as possible, chloroformed Jerri and Douche on their way to Tribal Council and replaced them with look-alikes. Douche sighs in an interview that he is now somehow "forced" to be in an alliance with Li'l Russell that is "based on lies" and asks Jerri if they should "make a play" to get rid of Li'l Russell. Which they absolutely could because whichever alliance they choose will have the majority. But they're both scared to do anything, so Jerri says they should "wait 'til the merge." Because it's not like it'll be too late by then or anything. Douche interviews that the Villains probably won't win another challenge without Rob and they are effectively "done." "Pray for the merge," he says. He really isn't a very good coach, is he?
Day 19, we head over to the incredibly boring Heroes camp. While Colby and Rupert work on the shelter, Candice asks Amanda where J.T. is. It turns out that he's looking for the immunity idol, despite being the person who suggested that they all look for it together and play it "as a tribe." He says he wants to make sure that he's the one in control of the idol because "you don't know what these other people are thinkin' around here." Honestly, though, when it comes to Rupert, Colby, and Amanda, I can make a pretty good guess: "..." J.T. tries to charm us with his country words, saying the idol is "in a creek" and he's going to "swing by there and take a gander." Back at camp, a lightbulb, albeit dim, turns on over Amanda's head and she decides to go look for J.T. As some kind of lizard looks on, J.T. searches for the idol as Amanda searches for J.T. It appears that he gets his prize first, but his desire to look awesome on camera and narrate his own discovery of the idol and haste to get back to camp before he's noticed wastes enough time that Amanda comes upon him as he's stuffing it down his pants. His look of "oh shit!" is pretty amazing, but he's able to recover quickly and say he was just looking for the idol to save everyone else the trouble and here it is. On the way back to camp, a suspicious Candice finds them both and J.T. is forced to tell her about the idol as well. And then he decides to "come clean" with everyone because he thinks that will bring the tribe together and keep him in the game longer since they wouldn't dare try to vote him out knowing that he has the idol.
J.T. and the girls return to camp and J.T. shows the idol to Rupert, who gets a big, stupid grin on his face like J.T. having the idol is somehow a good thing. Colby also seems happy for J.T., giving him a high-five as J.T. explains that the idol will go to whoever on their tribe needs it when the merge happens. Amanda and Candice, meanwhile, sit off to the side. "Good thing you walked up," Candice says; "how close was that?" "Close," Amanda says. Good -- it would appear that Candice and Amanda know what's up with J.T., so if they can combine their brainpower against him, that's like one and a half minds against one. Candice interviews that she's not happy that J.T. has the idol because she knows he's a slimeball and his word is good for nothing, and yet, somehow he's running their tribe. She confides in Amanda that she doesn't want to say anything against J.T. for fear that it will turn people against her. "He's always in with everybody," she says. "Yeah ... " Amanda says. "Isn't he in with you?" Candice asks. "Isn't he in with you?" Amanda replies. "Isn't he in with Rupert?" Candice says; "Isn't he in with Colby?" "That's true ... " Amanda says with a blank look on her face and her jaw slack. Sigh. Poor Candice must be dying for some intelligent conversation at this point. Colby and J.T. probably just giggle about the fact that her last name is "woodcock" when she tries to talk to them, Amanda is barely capable of the speech, and it takes ten minutes for Rupert to put three words together in interviews (all of which he does without blinking), so he's stupid and kind of scary.
At the Villains camp, Danielle complains that eating charred hermit crab shell is "ruining [her] teeth." She'd better hope not, because if she loses her teeth, then all she has left is boobs. Jerri whines to Douche that she needs "real food" or else she'll die. Douche says she won't. Jerri insists that she will. This fight is stupid. Despite Douche's insistence that Jerri will not die from lack of food, he interviews that people are "literally starving" and "shutting down." "The time for exigency has exited," he says; "it is do-or-die out here." It sounds clever, but I don't think he used "exigency" correctly here in his desire to pair it with "exited" and sound cool. Jerri, looking like a zombie, emerges from the tarp tent as Parvati reads the latest treemail to the group. It promises a challenge "that's good clean fun" and "it's not who strikes first, but who strikes the most. Your best meal yet is calling." Somehow, from this clue, Li'l Russell thinks this is going to be an individual challenge. "Merge," Douche smirks. Parvati agrees with him. The tribe decides to take their entire camp down and bring it to the challenge with them in case there's a merge and they're moved to a new site. Haven't these people all played this game before? So don't they know that anytime there's a merge and they're moved to a different camp, their rewards and possessions go with them? They spend all day taking their camp apart and packing it up, then set out for the challenge.
The first thing we see at the challenge is some nasty cold Survivor pizza. Ah, nasty Survivor pizza -- I missed you last season! And you have returned with a vengeance, as I see eight nasty Survivor pizzas on a table and they look fucking gross. Also, brownies and soda. The Heroes tribe enters and gush about the food before reacting to the absence of Rob when the Villains arrive. Colby then notices that the Villains are laden with parcels and figures there must be a merge coming. He doesn't seem happy about it. Probst asks Rupert if he's surprised to see Rob gone. "It sure looks like they got a women's alliance," Rupert says. I guess it does, actually, but it's not something you should say out loud. Because if there is a women's alliance, you're now the first man they'll target when the merge happens. And if it isn't, then your incorrect assumption could be used against you. Like right now, when Li'l Russell looks over towards the Heroes and gets a "hang in there" mouthed from J.T. It occurs to him that if the Heroes think he's on the outs with his tribe full of women, then they'll be looking at him to ally with them when a merge happens. Li'l Russell giggles over the fabulous position the Heroes' conclusion-jumping may have put him in.
With that, Probst asks Li'l Russell why his tribe brought all this stuff with them. A chicken clucking sound effect hammers this home, as apparently they even brought the chickens with them in a portable cage. I call bullshit on this, because it doesn't look like there are any chickens in that basket and if there were then Jerri wouldn't be complaining about how she's about to die from hunger and needs real food, since they have chickens to eat. Or maybe she would, since she apparently complains about everything. Li'l Russell says they just want to be prepared in case there's a merge, and points out that the Heroes are not prepared. That's because they know that the producers will move their stuff if they're moved to a new camp, you idiot! Colby starts freaking out that his tribe might have done itself a disservice by not bringing the camp with them, and then Probst launches into a speech about how they've been out there for 18 days (19, actually, according to the text) and 8 Tribal Councils, so they deserve "a bit of a break." He points at the pizza feast and says they'll all "have an opportunity" to eat it. That clearly doesn't mean they'll all be allowed to eat the pizza, but most of the remaining contestants are morons and hungry, so they start cheering until Colby, who knows Probst better than anyone else and so is best able to interpret his smirks, asks "what's the rub?" Probst ignores him and says "everybody ... drop ... your ... " and at this point, people are starting to remove their buffs and cheer for the merge. "Expectations," Probst concludes. "AWWWW," say the contestants. "Evil!" Courtney says. Probst does not appreciate that comment, and so will try to get back at her later on. "We are not merging," Probst grins. "Wah wah wahhhhh," Parvati Sad Trombones. Probst continues that the pizza is the reward if their tribe wins the challenge. And what is the challenge today? Well, odds are that it's recycled from Seasons 18 or 19, and yes, it's Survivor bowling from last season. One person from each tribe will face off to see who can knock over the most pins in two rolls. Whoever wins scores one point for the tribe, and the first tribe to three wins the reward. All that's left to do is pick who the Villains will be sitting out. Ah, but this proves difficult, as Douche immediately turns to Parvati and Danielle and says they once told him they were good at bowling. Did they really? When would this have ever come up? Douche asks Sandra if she wants to play or sit this one out. "I'll do whatever you guys want," Sandra says. But that's what she always says about everything, whether it's bowling or voting someone out. Sandra is all about the majority. Probst starts nagging the Villains for their answer. Parvati points out that they should think about who they're sitting out now and how those people won't be able to sit out in the challenge. "Yeah, but I want to win this feast," Douche whines. Probst then asks Douche to tell him who is sitting out, like, why is Douche suddenly in charge of this? Considering all the shit Douche gets for this later, Probst totally set him up. Much to several of his tribemate's disgust, Douche selects Sandra and Courtney to sit out. Even though that means they'll have to participate in the immunity challenge, which will almost definitely be physical. And even though even if Danielle and Parvati were world-class professional bowlers, they wouldn't have any advantage going into this challenge because Survivor bowling is to real bowling like Survivor pizza is to real pizza. Douche's decision was pretty stupid, and his entire tribe knew it. But they didn't speak up or anything, so it's their fault, too.
With that, we begin with Parvati vs. Rupert. I have a feeling that bowling is Rupert's sport, but will he be able to perform with his broken toe? We'll see. Parvati rolls first and gets a gutterball, which she reacts to just like she reacts to everything else, with a toothy rictus. Rupert manages to take down three pins, and never needs to bowl a second time as Parvati rolls another gutterball and the Heroes get the first point.
Second round: J.T. vs. Danielle. J.T. rolls first and knocks down an impressive six pins. Danielle doesn't quite get in the gutter, but still knocks down nothing. Probst compliments her "good form," whatever that means. J.T.'s second roll misses the pins, which is understandable since there are so few left up there, leaving Danielle with seven pins to knock over to win a point. She gets 0. Good thing Douche went with Parvati and Danielle for this challenge. Their bowling abilities really came in handy.
Li'l Russell faces off against Colby. Probst makes fun of Li'l Russell's "little baby toss" that results in a gutterball, like, I hate Li'l Russell but that remark was uncalled for. It's not like he did one of those through-the-legs shots or anything. Colby, on the other hand, might be worse at bowling than I am, as he proceeds to throw the ball, like, into the edge of the lane, causing it to bounce up in the air and eventually roll into the gutter. Probst does not make fun of Colby's roll like he did Li'l Russell's, even though Colby's was much more embarrassing. Li'l Russell manages to knock over five pins in his second roll. Colby manages not to slam the ball into the lane on his second roll, but it does him no good, as he only gets one pin.
The Villains are hopeful that they might be able to pull off a win after all, as their player is Douche, who strolls up confidently, against Amanda, who you know is taking this very seriously because her jaw isn't hanging open like usual. Douche's first roll is a good one, and hits the pins in the dead center. But since these are crappy Survivor bowling pins, he only gets five pins down. If this was real bowling, he probably would have gotten them all. Amanda goes , and manages to knock down five pins as well. Ah, excellent. It appears that Amanda the Challenge Monster is back. Douche gets one more pin on his second roll, which means that if Amanda gets two pins down, she'll win it for her tribe. Her ball only brushes against one pin, but that's somehow enough to knock it over and into another pin, giving her two. Probst joyfully informs the contestants that the Heroes have won and thus, the Villains will have to go back to their camp and put everything back up.
And so, the Heroes dig into their nasty cold Survivor pizza. [Now with extra grossness as it seemingly sat out there the entire time they were competing in the bowling challenge. -- Angel] Amanda toasts to them all saying "we kicked ass today," like, maybe you did, Amanda (albeit at bowling), but Candice didn't get a chance to play and Colby sucked. Amanda interviews that her tribe is doing really well lately but they don't want to get over-confident, even though it appears to me that they already are, what with Rupert calling them "the Fantastic Five" and Amanda saying they're the "best team in Survivor." The talk soon turns to the Villains, and how they are now Rob-less. Rupert calls that an "insane" and "silly" move, as if his alliance's decision to keep James over Tom was any better. J.T. interviews that there's an obvious "all-women's alliance" on the Villains' side, while Rupert gets right to work on the Hero women, saying that when the merge comes, the Villain women will try to recruit them into their alliance. Candice says that's a good thing, since they'll be able to find out who the Villains are targeting. J.T. interviews that Douche and Li'l Russell are sure to jump over to the Heroes' alliance as soon as a merge happens. So, based on all of these erroneous assumptions, the Heroes have a merge plan. And the Villains already know what it is because Rupert is a stupid loudmouth.
Over at the Villains Camp, of course, things are not quite so jolly. They have to re-build the camp, and Jerri has decided that she knew all along that there wasn't going to be a merge and she is "furious" at her stupid tribemates for making more work for themselves. "Voting off Rob was a big mistake. He would've made sure that Sandra and Courtney did not sit out today ... and we had strong people in the immunity challenge." Well, Jerri, whose mistake was that? Because from where I'm sitting, you were pretty much responsible for voting out Rob. She then walks up to Danielle and Li'l Russell and complains about how they're bound to lose the immunity challenge now that Sandra and Courtney will be participating. Sandra, meanwhile, is sitting like three feet away from them and hearing every word. She does not appreciate it when Jerri says that Sandra and Courtney acted like they wouldn't be able to handle the rigors of bowling when Probst asked them to choose who would sit out. She says that she told her tribe to do whatever they thought was best. That's true, although it wasn't like Sandra was stepping up to do the bowling thing. She left it to everyone else to make the decision for her so she could avoid having the finger pointed at her, which is why she's pissed off that it's being pointed at her now. She says it's not her and Courtney's fault that the Villains lost the challenge. Jerri tries to explain that that wasn't what she meant -- she's saying it's whoever chose Sandra and Courtney to sit out's fault, not Sandra and Courtney themselves. But Sandra is already angry and will not be placated. Jerri doesn't want to be on the receiving end of that wrath, so she quickly points at Douche as the reason why they lost, since his desire for pizza took precedence over immunity. Well, that shouldn't surprise anyone. Remember back in his season when he decided not to do an individual immunity challenge because he wanted pizza so much? Douche just loves his pizza. It's like Jerri's history with chocolate, except it produces the opposite results.
Jerri points out that Sandra could have said "hell yeah, put me in there!" Sandra tries to sum everything up, asking if they're saying that they lost today because she and Courtney sat out. Danielle decides to speak up and make things even muddier with this: "yeah -- no!" Sandra is being way too defensive about all of this, but I'm fine with it because it means the return of the Furious Sandra interviews! "The worst tribe ever put together is the Villains tribe. I should not even be here. I should be with the Heroes. Cause I can't stand Jerri, I hate Coach, I hate Danielle, I hate Russell even more. So any of those four -- I'm not gonna pick one above the other cause I equally hate them all." Hee hee hee. First of all, she doesn't hate them all equally because she just said she hated Li'l Russell more than anyone else. And second, I love how Sandra thinks the reason why she should be on the Heroes is because she hates people.
Courtney and Sandra hang out together in the woods being awesome. Courtney can't believe how quickly things turned on them, but Sandra is beyond complaining about it now and has moved onto the plotting stage. "Do you want to get even with Coach?" she asks. And now it's time to remember how Sandra won a million dollars in Season 7. She says Li'l Russell is the kind of person who will gun for someone he thinks is gunning for him. If they can convince Li'l Russell that Douche is plotting against him by "putting a bug in his ear," he'll turn his alliance against Douche and they'll be safe for now. Ha! Screw you and your stupid seeds, Li'l Russell! Sandra has bugs. Magic bugs, too. "I'm gonna work my magic and we're both gonna be here on Day 22 and Day 23," she promises.
The day, Douche hangs out with Courtney and tells her about how much he hates who he is stuck playing the game with. Like, why talk to Courtney about that, Douche? You've been trying to vote her out forever and she knows it. You actually helped to screw her and her alliance over by voting for her. What could she possibly have to say to make you feel better? "I guess that maybe you feel guilty or something," Courtney says, adding that she's sure she's the to go and has accepted her fate, so there's nothing more to say about it. Oh, except that this is all Li'l Russell's fault because people are too afraid to take a stand against him. Meanwhile, Li'l Russell was watching them speak and now sits down to Sandra to give her the perfect opportunity to begin Phase 1 of her plan. He says he just saw Courtney talking to Douche. Sandra just shrugs and lets Li'l Russell keep talking, which he naturally does, saying that he doesn't care what Courtney says to Douche because when it comes down to it, Douche and everyone else will vote the way Li'l Russell tells them to. Well, except for the last Tribal Council when Douche voted for Courtney. Sandra says that's probably true ... but then, she also heard that Douche is going around telling people that he made a mistake letting Rob be voted out and now he wants to get rid of Li'l Russell to atone for it. Sandra then shuts up and lets Li'l Russell take the bait and work himself up about this, saying that he doesn't trust Douche, who is now "digging his own grave," based on the information he totally believes even though it's coming from someone with every reason to lie. Sandra runs to an interview to proudly tell us how Li'l Russell believed everything she said to him because he's "so stupid." "He don't know how to play this game. Yeah, he's done good so far, but with me, he don't know what he got himself into." And he won't figure it out for a while if ever, either, because Li'l Russell is too used to thinking that all women are weak, stupid, and slavishly devoted to him.
While Douche does some fake Tai Chi in the ocean, Li'l Russell goes to Parvati and says that Douche is working against him. "Who does he think he is?" Parvati asks, totally reacting to Li'l Russell's news exactly the way she knows he wants and expects her to. I can't help but feel like Li'l Russell is being played by the women in both of the Villain alliances, but he's too consumed with trying to get rid of the men he perceives as powerful to notice. He's decided that Parvati is going to ride his coattails, even though she told him that she doesn't do that. Li'l Russell points out an actually solid reason for getting rid of Douche -- if another man is voted out, the Heroes will be convinced that there's an all-women alliance on the Villain tribe, and that will give Li'l Russell options should the merge happen. Which isn't really something he should tell Parvati since while that might help Li'l Russell in the game, it does the opposite for her, but he's too proud of his intelligence to realize that. If Li'l Russell tells the Heroes that the women have an alliance against him, who does that affect? Parvati, who they're sure to believe is in charge of it based on how she played the game last time. "It's all falling together perfectly," Parvati just says. "You've done that before," Li'l Russell says, shaking a finger at her but still not getting it.
The day, it's time for the immunity challenge. The tribes arrive to find a muddy pit with a series of gates in it. Douche seems happy to see this, as if his tribe has any chance of winning. Probst explains the challenge, which has been taken from the Guatemala season except the teams are racing for flags instead of jugs of corn. The first tribe to get two flags back wins. Unsurprisingly, this is a purely physical challenge. And since the Heroes only have five members, one of them will race against a single Villain. You know, they could just take the fifth member out of the challenge entirely like they've done before, which will make things more fair for the Villains since they have to race two men and three women against the Villains' three men and two women, but no. Even though they had no problem doing that for the Heroes in past challenges. Of course, Courtney and Sandra have to participate in this one, so Parvati quickly assigns Danielle and Jerri to sit out before Douche can do something stupid like sit out himself and Li'l Russell.
The first pairs are Li'l Russell and Sandra versus Amanda and Candice. Well, that's stupid. Why waste one of your two guys on Sandra? He can only go as fast as she can. Probst calls go, and as both teams come out from under the first gate, Probst is quick to announce the Sandra is going slowly, even though at this point she really wasn't that much slower than anyone else. The teams are pretty even until they come out from under the third gate, at which point both Sandra and Li'l Russell get stuck and are still under there when Amanda and Candice are on their way back with the flag. "Sandra really struggling!" Probst says. And then the weight of the mud pulls Li'l Russell's pants down, so that's fun. As Amanda and Candice approach the finish line, Probst says that "the look on Russell's face says it all -- absolute frustration." Right, because if it weren't for Sandra, I'm sure Li'l Russell would have sped through that course with his fat gut and tiny legs. Thankfully, Amanda and Candice get back to the finish line with the flag so we don't have to listen to Probst go on and on about how much he thinks Sandra sucks.
will be Douche vs. Rupert. This is probably the Villain's best chance to win a point, although it's pretty close as both men approach the flag. And this is despite the fact that Rupert is fat and probably has like 50 pounds of mud caked in his beard. Impressive! Although based on the way Douche keeps looking over at Rupert, I wonder if he's only going as fast as he needs to to beat him. As soon as Rupert hurls himself into the lead going over the second fence on the way back, Douche picks up the speed and beat Rupert back with the flag in a footrace.
But it's all for naught, really, since the final round is Parvati and Courtney against J.T. and Colby. I mean, come on. Why bother? Probst spends the entire time giving a pro-Heroes play-by-play, like Colby and J.T. beating Parvati and Courtney is really that impressive. As the Heroes celebrate another win, Courtney has trouble standing due to a twisted ankle. "You all right, Courtney?" asks Probst, like he freaking cares. He threatens to send in the medical team if Courtney can't walk on her own. She can't, requiring Parvati's help to get off the course, but Probst doesn't send in medical anyway. Remember when James's knee stopped working and they gave him all sorts of attention and a giant knee brace? Yeah, Courtney gets none of this. During the slow-motion walk of shame, Danielle interviews that she's sick of losing and wants to get rid of Courtney because she sucks at challenges.
And so, we return to the Villains camp. While the rest of the tribe heads into the water to try to wash off all the mud, Douche says that he sees all this mud "like going to a spa." Courtney and Li'l Russell complain of various bumps and bruises they sustained during the challenge, but Douche says this just makes him stronger. "The Dragonslayer's just coming into his own," he claims, flexing a seriously weak bicep. Like, I know his own body has been eating muscle mass for a few weeks now, but I'm pretty sure I have bigger arm muscles than that. As we see him staggering around in the water, he voiceovers that he feels "full of energy" and "it's time for [him] to shine." Then he does some ridiculous warrior pose with his arm extended outwards and continues: "off into the horizon." Oh, Douche. If you hadn't been so annoying last week with the Rob thing, I'd almost enjoy watching you these days. He gets over himself and says he's thinking of voting Li'l Russell out simply because he voted both of his "best friends" in this game out. But he also knows that they can't afford to lose a strong(ish) guy like Li'l Russell and keep Courtney, so he's going to vote with his "Forced Five Alliance."
It rains as God shows his disapproval of the Villains tribe. Douche asks Li'l Russell what's up for tonight and Li'l Russell says they're voting for Courtney. "If I can't trust someone ... gotta get rid of 'em," he says. This totally goes over Douche's head. Li'l Russell interviews that he has all the power in this game, so he will send home whoever he wants. We've heard him say this like 18 times already in this episode alone. He adds that Parvati is on board with voting Douche out and he's sure that Sandra and Courtney will vote with him too. He then tries to make fun of Douche's nickname but can't think of anything but "the Coach man" and gives up.
Ah, but Danielle has other plans. She thinks it's crazy to vote Douche out right now when they need him for challenges. If he leaves and there's no merge, they might lose their numbers advantage. That's fine with Li'l Russell, though, since he's probably thinking that he can flip to the Heroes no problem as the only man left in on the Villains tribe. Sounding annoyed, he says they'll lose the challenges whether they have Douche or not. Danielle thinks that if they keep Douche and lose Courtney or Sandra, they'll at least have a chance to win again. Suddenly, Li'l Russell gets all bent out of shape and tells Danielle that keeping Douche is a "stupid move" and he doesn't understand how she's playing the game anymore. Uh ... to not lose challenges maybe? He asks if she's willing to go home if they keep Douche and lose another challenge. Danielle seems confused as to why Li'l Russell is so angry and calmly says she just wants them to have the best possible chance at winning challenges. Then you shouldn't have voted out Rob, Danielle. It's too late now. "Chill out," Danielle orders. Li'l Russell does not like it when a woman tells him what to do, so he accuses her of "not making any sense," which is ridiculous since it makes plenty of sense to keep Douche over Courtney. I don't personally support that decision, since I'd much rather watch Courtney than Douche, but I get it. "Yes, I am! It's stupid to let him go," Danielle says. "I just told you, I don't agree with it," Li'l Russell says in a way that suggests that he thinks that everyone should just go along with whatever he says. Which is fine if you're a player like Natalie, but if you want to come across as a strong competitive woman on this show, it's not. Then again, neither is getting giant fake boobs. When Danielle doesn't let it drop, Li'l Russell says "I ain't gonna fucking talk to you no more," and scampers off. Meanwhile, Sandra watches from behind some plants, no doubt with glee.
Danielle interviews that it's obvious that they need Douche and should vote Courtney out tonight, but Li'l Russell freaked out when she pointed that out. She says he thinks he's in control of this game and everything must go the way he decides. And you chose to ally with that, so whatever, Danielle. Sandra talks to Courtney about how she thinks it might be difficult to convince Danielle to vote for Douche over Courtney. "She's such a competitor," Sandra says. Plus, she overheard part of Li'l Russell and Danielle's fight. She interviews that she doesn't know which way the vote will go tonight and can only hope that it works out the way she planned. Then Li'l Russell scampers back over to Parvati and Danielle and says he "might have a change of heart." They might need Douche at least one more time after all. "I think we should vote Courtney," he says. NOOOOOOOOO! Courtney is hilarious! We need her! I need her! Parvati interviews that her alliance can't make a freaking decision and stick to it. "That's a problem," she whines, although clearly she has no desire to actually solve said problem.
The tribe arrives at Tribal Council. Probst naturally wants to address the fact that since they got rid of big strong men like Tyson and Rob, they have been on a losing streak. He asks Danielle if she regrets voting them out now. She says a whole lot of nothing, concluding that they did what they thought was the right thing at the time. Probst points out that Douche was the only person who got a point for the tribe in today's challenge, to which Douche does a hilarious "ah," pretending to be humble and embarrassed by this when in reality he is loving it. Probst continues that, when it comes to a physical challenge, "99 out of 100 people" would choose Tyson or Rob over "say, Courtney." Well, 99 out of 100 people would probably choose Tyson or Rob over Jerri, too. Or Sandra. Or Parvati. Or Douche. Or basically anyone left in the Villains tribe right now. But way to single Courtney out like that, you asshole. "No disrespect," he then says to Courtney. "Thank you, Jeffrey," Courtney says, rolling her eyes. Jerri and Parvati, sitting behind Courtney, very much enjoy this. As do I. Courtney is awesome! Has anyone every called Probst "Jeffrey" before? He tries to convince us that he's right to call Courtney out, saying that she sat out "the majority of the challenges." Well then, it's not really her fault if the team loses the majority of the challenges, is it? Maybe they shouldn't keep having reward/immunity challenges that make it so that the Villains are able to sit Courtney out several challenges in a row. Courtney says that's what her team decided to do and she doesn't need to feed her ego by participating in challenges. And she was just as against voting Tyson and Rob out as Probst apparently is. "I'm sad that they're both gone, but insulting me isn't gonna bring them back," she says. AHAHAHAHA! She totally called Probst out for being in love with big strong men. "It's not meant as an insult," Probst says; "it's just one person's observation." Oh, fuck you, Prost. It's totally meant as an insult because you hate female players that you perceive to be weak in this game, which is pretty much all of them. Also, you aren't one person casually observing the events of the show. You're the host and a producer, so your "observations" have weight behind them and can unfairly influence someone's vote. "Boston Rob was dominating," Probst continues, totally about to cry. "I AGREE WITH YOU," Courtney says. "But Danielle just told me that's why you voted him out!" Probst whines. "I DIDN'T VOTE HIM OUT OF OUR TRIBE. The tribe voted him out because he was not in the dominating alliance," Courtney says.
Probst realizes Courtney is too smart for him, and so turns to Douche. He asks what Douche thinks outsiders think of his tribe right now. Douche says he's sure that they're laughing at them and think they deserve to lose. This somehow leads into him telling us about how he was trying to energize his tribe at the challenge, but they were all being negative. Courtney rolls her eyes at this, and Probst asks what her problem is. She says Douche is the one who would rather eat pizza than win the immunity challenge, so he put the "A-squad" up during the reward challenge because he figured that Sandra or Courtney would be voted out if they lost immunity anyway. Douche asks Courtney if she's saying that the tribe's low morale is his fault. "That's what I heard!" Probst says, happy to contribute. Oh, Probst. Stop trying to be all sassy when Courtney is there. Douche protests, saying he's not solely responsible for deciding who participates in the challenges. Well, except for that one time when he totally was because Probst asked only him who was going to participate in the challenge. Douche says that all his tribe is looking for from Courtney is for her to step up and say she wants to participate in a challenge because she can beat it. "Thanks, Dad," Courtney says in a sarcastic little girl voice. Courtney owns Tribal Council tonight, you guys. That probably means she's going to be voted out, though, so it's not all good news. Danielle tries to stick up for Douche saying "he's a coach, that's what he does." But Douche is already insulted and says Courtney is wrong to blame him for the tribe feeling demoralized when it has nothing to do with him.
Probst asks Parvati if she's worried that her tribe will just continue to lose forever and even "if" there's a merge, they won't be in a good position. I think Parvati will be in a decent position, actually, since there are that fewer physical threats to beat her in individual immunity challenges and she probably has something going with Amanda. Parvati just says that if the very physical challenges continue then, yes, they'll most likely lose and they'll all be voted out. Probst asks why, then, is Parvati choosing to vote out physical threats that could help the Villains win and playing a game based on alliances instead of creating the strongest tribe. Um, why would Parvati want to play that way, Probst? According to you, she's no match for someone like Rob or Tyson, so she'd be voted out. Courtney says that she might be the "poster child for weak Survivor," but she's still in this game and has outlasted a lot of supposedly strong people because she's a "determined little bitch and [she'll] put up with a lot of crap to get to the end." Damn straight, Courtney! When the rest of her tribe doesn't stand and applaud Courtney's awesomeness, Sandra extends a closed fist with a quiet "fistbump." "That's right, girl," Courtney says, returning the gesture. AWESOME. I am going to cry when Courtney gets voted out. She is just the best. Fortunately, we still have Sandra. But she'll have no one to fistbump with. Probst asks Li'l Russell how tonight's vote will change the tribe. Li'l Russell says it's important to keep strong people and trustworthy people in the game, and that's how he'll vote. Now that Li'l Russell has had the last word, we may vote.
Douche votes for Courtney. Courtney votes for "Coach," then says "you're a freaking lunatic. I'm just glad I don't have to live with you anymore. Nice feather in your hair." Actually, she said "nice fucking feather in your hair," but they edited that out. It's still great, though. Probst returns with the urn. Let's enjoy Courtney while we still have her these last few minutes. Probst reads two votes for Douche, then three for Courtney. Sigh. Oh, but then Douche smiles smugly. They rarely let you smile smugly at Tribal Council without that being followed by an amazing comeuppance. Sure enough, there's a third vote for Douche. With just one vote left, the first member of the jury is ... Douche! AHAHAHAHA! Hooray! I was starting to enjoy Douche, but I'd much rather see him go than Courtney. Of course, this also means that Li'l Russell is guaranteed at least a spot on the jury. Ugh. He makes sure to shake Douche's hand on his way out in a transparent effort to get a jury vote from him that Douche will probably totally fall for. Douche also hugs Jerri and then his torch is snuffed and he's gone. Sandra seems to give him a respectful nod on his way out, so maybe she didn't hate him as much as she said she did. Or maybe she's in a good mood following her awesome triumph.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.