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Another one-challenge episode means plenty more time to kill, although this time we at least get to see more of the inter-tribal dynamics and developing alliances. The Heroes tribe decides to put on a happy face after their ugly Tribal Council and pretend to let bygones be bygones, with the only scrambling we see done by J.T., who decides that Candice is too smart for her own good and tries to turn Cirie against her. We don't know if he succeeds or not, because the Heroes win their first immunity challenge due to it being entirely physical and their tribe being full of men who are either huge or muscular or both. So now, it's time for the Villains to turn against each other. In one corner, we have Li'l Russell and Parvati, who spend nights giggling and playing footsie with each other, which makes everyone else wary about their obvious bond. In the other corner, we have Douche and Jerri, who also have an obvious bond but have no use for Parvati, who they think is lazy and uses her sex appeal to get ahead. Not that that doesn't stop Douche from flirting with her as he accuses her of this, thus earning Jerri's undying hatred and maybe a little bit of respect. Meanwhile, Randy isn't in any corners at all, as he's antisocial and old. This makes him a big target for the first boot, but Douche, Rob and Jerri argue to get rid of Parvati first, since she's dangerous on her own and considering her history with the dominant alliance on the Heroes tribe. Douche promises us (with a Martin Luther King, Jr. quote, no less, just to wrap up Black History Month on the worst possible note) that he will see to it that his pal Randy stays in this game and the good and righteous will prevail. Then he votes Randy out, as does everyone else.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Amidst footage of rapidly-growing mushrooms that I am about 99% certain the crew didn't take but probably bought off of a PBS documentary, the Heroes return to camp. James has a lot to answer for and begins speaking immediately, saying that he doesn't like losing and wondering if he phrased his point incorrectly. If his point was, "I want to look like a giant asshole" then I'd say he phrased it just fine. "You coulda been gentler, that's all," Tom says, patting James on his humongous pecs. The menfolk agree that they said things that needed to be said at Tribal Council and now they can move on from it and be a stronger team. But Tom doesn't appear to be so over it in an interview, as he accuses James of being "nasty, brutish, and bullying." J.T. corners Tom to do some damage control, saying that he "respects" Tom and when they made their initial alliance, J.T. was telling the truth that it was his only alliance. It was only when he realized that they were "at the bottom of the totem pole" that he had to scramble and turn against his alliance with Tom. You have to hand it to J.T.: his lies always make sense and are said in the most earnest of tones. Tom says he understands and they hug manfully. Once again, however, Tom isn't quite so over things in his interview, where he says that while he still feels betrayed by J.T., he's hoping that J.T.'s guilt is sincere and will buy Tom some extra time. Meanwhile, Colby sees the writing on the wall and tells Tom that he's just not into the game this time around, which is what we say when we know we're going to lose anyway.
The Villains settle down for a good night's sleep, with Parvati snuggling up to Li'l Russell. They giggle and touch each other, oblivious to the fact that everyone around them is being kept awake and not thrilled about it. Even Douche must be thinking "how is it possible that I am not the most annoying person in a ten mile radius?" Rob interviews that he's keeping a close eye on who sleeps to who, because that's the best way to tell who is in a true alliance. According to his logic, then, Li'l Russell and Parvati and Douche and Jerri have paired off into sleepmates/close allies. Rob says those kinds of close alliances are especially dangerous, which he knows for a fact since he slept to Amber and they won their season. I love how he thinks that he's imparting his wisdom to future generations of Survivor contestants, when the truth is that most people who will be on this show season and however many there are beyond it will have never seen this show before and were cast because one of the lazy casting people some them at the Saddle Ranch bar, and not even the one on Sunset Strip -- the one on the Universal Citywalk.
The morning at Camp Heroes, things are still kind of awkward and everyone is off doing his own thing. Rupert says he's hoping for a rainy day that will force everyone to hang out in the shelter, where they can "play games" and "talk" and "bond." I don't think that kind of stuff really happens when you're beyond miserable, soaking wet and freezing cold and hate 50% of the people around you. And while Rupert is off by himself muttering and doing absolutely nothing, some of the men build a chicken coop together, thus having their own bonding experience that Rupert was not a part of. Oh, but then the chickens immediately escape from the homemade coop thanks to the ineptitude of its builders and the chicken hunt is on. Rupert manages to catch one with his bare hands, which I couldn't even do with all of my toe bones intact, let alone with a toe that's broken in fifty places. The second chicken is almost as stupid and the people trying to catch it and runs right into their shelter, perhaps hoping to play same games there or bond with the contestants. But only stupid Amanda is there, so the chicken leaves, running right into Tom's hands. Rupert is satisfied that the escape and re-capturing of the chickens has helped his team bond after all.
The chicken madness continues at the Villains camp, where there is a rooster roaming around. Li'l Russell makes a move towards it, but as soon as he sees that the producers are going to chain the rooster's foot to the ground to make it easy for Li'l Russell to catch, he gives up and talks to Douche about the first Tribal Council instead. Douche warns him that people are looking for any reason to target someone else to vote off first to keep themselves safe, and Li'l Russell's relationship with Parvati could be the reason they're looking for. Douche then interviews that Parvati is "the most dangerous player on our tribe," which he's probably right about. He thinks that Li'l Russell has a big stupid crush on Parvati and it's making him into a target. Although why that would upset Douche, I have no idea. Why does he care if Li'l Russell gets voted out? He should be happy it isn't Douche. Maybe they're in an alliance we don't know about yet or something. Douche says that Parvati is incredibly charming and people in the tribe are smitten by her. "It's unbelievable," he says, so jealous.
Rob walks up to find out what's going on between Douche and Li'l Russell. Li'l Russell is vague in his answers, but Douche comes right out and says he's trying to see what Li'l Russell's deal with Parvati is. Rob warns Li'l Russell to "be careful," since they all know that Parvati has friends in the Hero tribe so it's in the Villains' best interests to get rid of her along with her closest ally. Douche tells Li'l Russell that he's going to alienate himself from his own tribe, while Rob says he'll give Li'l Russell "the benefit of the doubt one time," which is more than generous in this game. Li'l Russell pretends to be cool with the guys and agree with what they're saying, then turns around and interviews that he doesn't care what Douche says, because "he's a big joke." True, and yet... Douche is making sense and being not totally hateable this season. Li'l Russell, on the other hand, sucks just as much the second time around. Li'l Russell also discounts Rob's opinion because he thinks that Rob thinks he's the king of his camp whose orders must be obeyed, when the reality (according to Li'l Russell, anyway) is that Li'l Russell is the king of this camp. He says that he'll just have to listen to Rob and do what he says "until he's gone." Which kind of sounds like Rob is the king and Li'l Russell is not. I mean, I'm no expert on monarchical states or anything, but I'm pretty sure that the king is the guy who orders everyone around and not the guy who obeys those orders while keeping his delusions of grandeur to himself. "Nobody knows who they messin' with around here!" he says. That's true, but only because his fellow contestants haven't had the advantage of watching his season before the game began.
Li'l Russell runs right to Parvati to tell her about his discussion with Douche and Rob, except that he says that they're planning to get rid of her and told Li'l Russell to keep hanging out with her so as not to make her suspicious, which is either a lie or we just didn't get to see that part of their conversation. "He is after you!" Li'l Russell says of Douche. Notice how Li'l Russell is targeting Douche and not Rob, because as much as he hates to admit it, he knows deep down that Rob is the king of this tribe. Paravati interviews that she doesn't understand why people are always trying to vote her out. "I'm just a sweet innocent little girl," she claims. Don't refer to yourself as a sweet innocent little girl. It's creepy. Especially when you're an adult, and have been for like a decade. She continues that she's kind of stuck in her alliance with Li'l Russell because she doesn't trust anyone else. "And I actually do trust [Li'l Russell] even though he's kind of a lunatic," she says. Well, Parvati is nothing if not observant.
Night 7 at Camp Villains and we're 17 minutes into this show without a challenge. Which means we're probably going to get another stupid combo reward/immunity challenge. Boooo! HISSSS! But now it's time for Douche to remind us all that he sucks, as he tells the tribe about his kayaking trip adventures that are anywhere from 75% to 100% fictional. Rob makes fun of Douche to his face about his far-fetched stories while Li'l Russell goes off by himself with the machete. "I can play rough," he promises. Oh shit. He's going to kill them so they won't vote him out. That is hardcore. Oh, wait, no -- he's just hiding it because he thinks that will "cause conflict." Meanwhile, Sandra did that way back in Season 7 when she threw out those fish and it actually did cause conflict and probably saved her from being voted out . She then went on to win the season. Li'l Russell will never be able to match that, and yet this is like the third or fourth time in his tenure on this show that he's tried. He then promises us that Rob's hat will be the to go. Uh huh. At least Rob isn't wearing a hat to cover up the fact that he's bald, like Li'l Russell does. "I don't even like the Boston Red Sox. It's the Houston Astros, baby!" Li'l Russell says. Okay, that was funny.
On Day 8, Douche has brought out the big guns for Season 20 by adding something to his warrior pose ritual: a SONG! Yes, he sings along with his movements in what he hopes we will think is an authentic Native chant, just like Scout Cloud Lee used to do in Season 9! But she didn't do warrior poses because she was like 86 years old. Randy walks up the beach with a freshly-caught clam and we do not get to hear from him about how ridiculous Douche is. That is a missed opportunity. He offers the clam to his tribemates, but they turn him down. Desperate, he even offers some clam to Courtney, who hasn't eaten since 1998. Randy resigns himself to eating the entire clam himself and looks for a machete to crack it open, only for someone to tell him to use a rock instead, as it's more effective. So he slams it against the rock and then interviews that when he was on this show before, bringing in a teeny little fish got you all kinds of praise. That's because it was Marcus catching those teeny little fish and the praise came from his alliance of sycophants. But here, everyone is spoiled and doesn't care about his giant clam. Sandra walks over eventually and eats some of Randy's clam. Parvati also takes a bite, but says she doesn't like it and spits it out. Sandra seems fine with that, since it means more food for her. Randy sighs in an interview that this game is a lot like the real world, in that intelligence and hard work never gets you as far ahead as good looks and personality. That's probably true, but in regards to Randy, I think it's difficult to get ahead in the wedding videographer business when you go on a Top 20-rated network show and talk about how much you hate love and weddings.
Randy and Douche take a walk in the woods and hate on the hot women in their tribe who do no work and are weak in challenges. "Let's vote 'em out," Randy says. Douche agrees in an interview that he thinks it's "unfair" that there are people in this game who get by without doing anything. Unlike when Douche himself made it far in his first season by virtue of being weaker than, like, Debbie and thus the least likely to be an individual immunity threat. Meanwhile, Parvati, totally not concerned about any of this, gets a nice tan. Hee hee.
At the Heroes camp, Candice and J.T. talk about an alliance. Candice says that she wants to make it to the end with J.T., but apparently he only talks to her when he needs her vote for his own purposes. J.T. interviews that Candice is making him nervous with her "strategical" ways. He thinks she should be the to go, but says it's not his decision. So he talks to Cirie and Amanda, telling them that Candice said she doesn't trust Cirie. Cirie laughs and says "oookay." Dun dun dunnnn. Candice is now screwed. J.T. interviews that he's going to lie to get rid of Candice and that he's a really good liar despite the fact that he'd like us to think that he doesn't lie in his real life.
But then! Cirie talks to Candice about what she heard instead of just assuming that J.T. is telling the truth and plotting against Candice. Candice denies telling anyone that she doesn't trust Cirie, then interviews that she doesn't know who lied to Cirie about her, but it's someone who wants to break up their alliance. She then goes around camp asking everyone if he lied about her to Cirie. Tom, Amanda, and James deny it, with James telling her to just "calm down" and "it'll be all right." That's easy for you to say when you're James and can be a total asshole without being afraid of going home for it. Also, didn't we see James freaking out all over the beach just last week and campaigning for Stephenie to go home? But now, when Candice is the one talking about stuff like this, she's overreacting and needs to "calm down?" Okay, James.
FINALLY, it's time for the challenge. And yes, it's another reward/immunity challenge. Overly dramatic battle music plays as the tribes enter the challenge area and the Villains see that Stephenie is no longer with us. Parvati's mouth makes a perfect "o" of surprise, as if this wasn't all planned between her and her friends/alliancemates Amanda, James, and Cirie before the show even began. Probst explains the challenge, which is just like it was when we first saw it in Season 10 except instead of the platform being over water, it's over a mud pit and they're playing to eight points instead of six. The winning tribe gets immunity and a reward of coffee, sugar, rice, and a basket full of luxury items that are supposed to remind them of home. We see that Candice brought a stuffed polar bear, as the home she wants to be reminded of is apparently in northernmost Canada. Cirie has a family photo album. Courtney has an ugly and seemingly useless bracelet. And James apparently brought one of the hidden immunity idols from the China season with him, which is funny but I don't see how it's actually useful. At least Cirie's photo album can be used as toilet paper. The Villains choose to sit Sandra and Courtney out and the challenge begins.
The first match pits Tom against Li'l Russell. Tom has won this challenge in the past, but Li'l Russell has a much lower center of gravity that could give him the advantage. Or not, as four seconds after Probst says "go," Tom has knocked Li'l Russell off the platform and into the mud. That was the best four seconds of camera time Li'l Russell has ever gotten, in my opinion. I could watch it all day. Meanwhile, Colby goes insane cheering for Tom's victory.
Round 2: Parvati vs. Candice. Parvati does a little shimmy-dance to either limber up or distract Candice from using an effective strategy against her, just like Parvati does to all the men in her tribe. "Be strong," Rupert suggests. "Attack her, Candice. ATTACK HER!" Colby screams. I guess he really likes coffee. Parvati almost knocks Candice off the platform, but somehow Candice is able to regain her balance, spin around, and push Parvati, knocking her over. In her zeal to push Parvati off the platform, Candice totally takes her right hand off the bag. Probst said the competitors had to keep both hands on the bag at all times, but apparently that doesn't count when it helps the tribe he favors, so it isn't called. Parvati is able to get back on her feet, but Candice barrels into her, knocking them both into the mud. Parvati hits the mud first, so the Heroes get a second point. They're thrilled, and Jerri laughs at their happiness.
Round 3 is Rupert against Douche. Could it be that I'm actually cheering for Douche in this? What a strange new sensation this is. Although I don't see how he can lose, seeing as how Rupert's toe is in such dire straights (it's broken, remember) that he can't even make fire. Rain begins to fall as Douche and Rupert take turns hitting each other, with Douche hitting Rupert quickly but not making much of a dent, since Douche is weak and Rupert is, if nothing else, hard to knock down. As he shoves Douche towards the end of the platform, Douche executes a spin move around him, taking a hand off the bag and using it to help him balance. Rupert falls into the mud, and Douche is ecstatic. So much so that he is deaf to Probst's cries to replay the match due to Douche's hand leaving the bag, which you'll remember is against the rules when a Villain does it but not when a Hero does. Douche lets out a mighty roar of victory and strikes a few warrior poses before Probst is able to get his attention and tell him the bad news. Douche responds to the replay order by flipping Probst off, which is awesome.
Round 3.5 begins with some slow motion and suspenseful music as Douche readies himself for another battle. He does this by winking at Rupert. Rupert does not wink back. The editors have way too much fun with Douche. The replay round doesn't last long, as Rupert simply shoves Douche backwards off the platform and into the mud. "Get your ass up!" James shouts at Douche, because James is nothing if not a great sport.
Round 4 is Jerri vs. Cirie. Jerri is no match for Cirie's power and quickly leaves the platform, making it 4-0 for the Heroes, who act like their road to victory wasn't paved with the producers stacking their team with physical threats against the puny Villains.
Round 5 will be J.T. against Tyson. J.T. kicks the mud off of his sneakers by flinging it at Tyson, who stomps the mud off of his feet in J.T.'s starting area, hoping for some extra slipperiness. Courtney loves it. J.T. gets an early advantage, nearly knocking Tyson off the platform, but Tyson is able to recover and get lower than J.T. as he pushes back. But then he stands up, allowing J.T. to get under him and push him into the mud. Tyson has no hard feelings though, and jumps back on the platform to give J.T. a congratulatory kiss, much to J.T.'s displeasure.
Round 6 is Danielle vs. Amanda. Amanda gets nice and low to start the match, although this also earns her a face full of muddy bag from her opponent. Danielle is able to push Amanda close to the edge of the platform, but Amanda does a spin move around her (without her hands leaving the bag, unlike Douche) and hits Danielle with the bag until she goes into the pit. It's now 6-0 for the Heroes. Amanda sassily throws her bag down and struts off the platform towards her team.
Round 7: Colby against Rob. This could be the Villains' best chance to get a point, as Colby is one of the smallest and weakest Heroes while Rob is one of the strongest Villains. Colby nails Rob first, causing him to do a flip in mid-air and land on his back. But he's able to stay on the platform as Colby tries to shove him off and even get to his feet somehow. He puts Colby on the defense, and Colby is forced to take his hand off the bag to regain his balance. But Probst doesn't notice this even though it happens at least two more times in the match and could have given Colby the advantage that lead to his eventual win over Rob. The Heroes are up 7-0. "This sucks," Danielle mutters, her teeth smeared with mud.
And now it's time for Round 8, which will be James vs. Randy. James takes a confident swig from his canteen, because the only way he can beat Randy is some last-minute hydration. "Good luck, man, that's a strong opponent you're gonna have," Rupert tells him, possibly sarcastically. Over on the Villains' side, Randy also gets some encouragement from his tribemates: "fight as dirty as you can," Danielle says. Randy does have one thing in his favor going into this match: he's almost definitely racist, and James is black. So his racism might give him some misplaced-anger-strength. "Come on. Get down in here," James orders Randy. "You like picking on an old man, don't you?" Randy says, knowing that he's going to lose this anyway so he might as well try to make James feel as bad as possible about it. Probst calls go, and James easily pushes Randy off the platform with just one hit. He then throws his bag down into the mud, hitting Randy in the face. Well, that's not necessary. Probst announces that the Heroes are the winners, and as they celebrate, the Villains take shots at them for heroically throwing muddy bags at old men they've already defeated. "Real classy," Randy says. James loves yelling at people he's just beaten (see: Stephenie last week) when they try to save some face with a smart remark, so he tells Randy to "get you [expletive] your ass out of there." At least, I think that's what he said. Between the expletive being bleeped and James's usual inarticulateness, it's hard to tell. "I told you you were on the wrong team, James," Courtney says, having a blast despite her tribe's defeat. And thus ends the "a Hero spirals out of control" story Probst promised us in the previews last week. Probst gives the Heroes their reward and the immunity idol, which Rupert of course grabs and holds aloft with a victorious yell. The Villains do the slow-motion walk of shame, with Douche appearing to give Probst a friendly "sorry about flipping you off" salute on the way out.
The Tuba of Defeat plays as the Villains arrive back at camp. They jump in the ocean to wash the mud off while laughing at themselves. They're so much cooler about losing than the Heroes, who react to challenge losses by screaming at each other and pointing fingers. Tyson interviews that the Heroes ate "steroid sandwiches" before the challenge. And I'm sure that's true in at least one case (JAMES JAMES JAMES). He says he was worried about the Heroes' sanity during the challenge, as if Tyson is in a position to judge whether or not other people are crazy when he has a few psychological issues of his own. Sandra and Courtney appear to be on scrubbing duty due to their non-participation in the challenge. Basically, everyone is laughing and having a good time together except for Randy, who's in the water by himself. He interviews that he knows he's at risk tonight since he's the oldest player in this entire season and Rob, Tyson, and Li'l Russell appear to want the hot women to stick around for a while so they can look at their boobs. Meanwhile, Randy himself can be seen helping Parvati wash mud off of her flat, toned stomach, so clearly even he is not immune to her charms. He interviews that she's the most dangerous player on their tribe right now because she seems innocuous and the guys like having her around, but if she makes it to the merge, she'll team back up with her Season 16 allies and dominate the game. Thus, he wants Parvati out of the tribe ASAP.
Parvati asks Douche if he's voting for her tonight. Douche says he doesn't know what he's doing yet, but acts all flustered about it because: 1. he just got called out, and 2. he's so very close to Parvati's boobs. He claims that he hasn't spoken to anyone in the tribe about "strategy" except for Randy, and that's just because Randy is a "super fan," a.k.a. the only person on this entire season who actually watches Survivor. Douche interviews that Parvati "came at [him] real aggressive," and yet she also believes that if she bats her eyelashes at the guys and wears a skimpy bikini all the time, they'll be forced to do her bidding. "Maybe Russell will. Maybe other people will. Maybe Tyson will. I sure as hell won't," he says. Cut to Parvati telling Douche all the reasons why she shouldn't be voted out tonight while he stares dreamily into her eyes and/or at her boobs. He continues: "that stuff doesn't work on me. I've been coaching college soccer for women for thirteen years and I've never had one of those girls bat their eyes at me and it make a difference in their playing time." Ah, if only this were true of my soccer-playing experience, where the girl whose father was the coach always got to play whatever position she wanted, regardless of skill. Parvati butters Douche up, saying she can tell that he isn't controlled by fear and thus won't let fear dictate who he votes out tonight. He agrees, adding that flirting doesn't control him either. And then he says that he likes flirting with Parvati as he swims up alongside her and puts his around her waist like a total creepo. She manages not to look completely disgusted as she pushes him away. Douche ends this segment by saying that anyone who risks a million dollars by keeping a dangerous player in the game just because she's flirtatious and hot is a fool. Douche is King Hypocrite, so I guess we'll be seeing the end of Randy tonight.
On the beach, Tyson also campaigns to get rid of Parvati, telling Jerri and Rob about her friends on the other tribe, who are clearly in the dominant alliance based on how they got rid of Stephenie. "Randy has no friends anywhere," Tyson points out. That makes Parvati dangerous and Randy useful. He asks Rob for his opinion, and Rob just calls Sandra over to see what she thinks. She thinks that she's going to play the same game she played last time and vote for anyone who isn't her. She says something about how the vote has to be a "group effort" and the person voted out has to get "the majority" of votes, not just "two or three," like, duh, Sandra. I mean, I love you, but we really didn't need the explanation on how voting works. The only opinion she voices is that she's hesitant to keep Randy around because he's the weakest. That's a good point, but on the other hand it's not like losing Randy is going to make much of a difference for the Villains, who are all weaker than the Heroes. Rob agrees that he'd rather vote Randy out than Parvati. Jerri stays silent, but watches as Parvati and her beloved Douche walk on the beach together, very friendly with each other. Jerri does not like this one bit. "Parvati is like a virus," she interviews, adding that she wishes she could get people to do her bidding in her real life like Parvati does in this game.
Douche meets with Sandra in the woods. Rob watches from his hiding place behind, like, a leaf. Douche says that he and Sandra are safe tonight (which he knows how, exactly? Never walk around thinking you're safe in this game), and asks who she's thinking of voting for. Sandra says she's going to vote the same way everyone else is. She doesn't care if it's Randy or Parvati or Probst. As long as it isn't Sandra, she's down with it. She excuses herself from Douche's presence by saying "let me go do this thing." time I'm in a conversation with someone unpleasant, that's what I'm going to say.
While Randy sits on the beach by himself, Danielle and Parvati try to convince Jerri to vote him out, saying he's the weakest member of the tribe and "a lot of people" feel the same way. Jerri tries to argue that Randy has certain strengths, but Parvati points out that if Randy leaves tonight, the Heroes will have to sit out one of their guys in the challenge, thus making them weaker as well. Yeah, except that they'll just sit Rupert out and they're probably better off without him. When Jerri refuses to commit to voting Randy out, Parvati asks who she wants to vote out instead. OOPS! The answer to that is, of course, Parvati. But Jerri can't say that, nor is she able to think of any other names. "I don't have to say," she finally settles on. "Why not?" Parvati asks. "Because I don't know!" Jerri sputters. In an interview, she says that Parvati seems to think she can make people do whatever she wants them to. Yes, why would Parvati think she could make everyone do whatever she wants? Could it be because Jerri herself has to admit that everyone totally does what Parvati tells them to? Everyone except for Jerri, who assures us that she will not fall under Parvati's spell. Heh heh heh, remember when Jerri used to be the woman who had everyone under her spell in her tribe? Now she's, like, the Maralyn "Mad Dog" Hershey. "I just wanna punch her in the face! That's all I can think about, is just taking her down, boy, I'll tell you what!" Jerri says. And the transformation is complete. Parvati, on the other hand, has this to say about Jerri: "Jerri's annoying [adorable giggle!]." She continues that Jerri is a "Fakey McGee" and "a bitter old cougar." Oh, Parvati, I wouldn't say things like that when you yourself are only ten short years away from the same status.
Meanwhile, Douche and Randy take a meeting in the ocean. Randy gives Douche the same argument Tyson had: the fact that Stephenie was voted out should show the Villains that James, Cirie, and Amanda are the dominant alliance on the Heroes tribe. "If you guys don't see that, you're ," he says; "this is Micronesia 2.0." Too bad for Randy that no one on his tribe saw that season. He says that if the Villains can't see what Parvati, Amanda, James, and Cirie are up to, then he doesn't want to play this game anymore, which is convenient since he'll be voted out. "If I am dead man walking, my friends are . And I'll see you in Loser's Lodge. I'll buy you a beer," Randy says. He's forgetting one thing, though: he has no friends. Oh, and the beers in Loser's Lodge are free. So, two things, then. Douche thinks hard about Randy's words, then interviews that no one in this game is honorable. "There's nobody out here that's honorable anymore ... except for me," he says in true Douche fashion. And then I'll just transcribe the rest of his speech because it's that amazing, especially considering what it promises and what the only honorable player in this game then delivers with his Tribal Council vote:
"I hate to pontificate about that, but, you know, Martin Luther King says that 'the greatest measure of a man is not in the way he handles times of comfort, but in the way he rises with controversy and challenge.' There's always hope. The last thing we have in life or in this game is hope. That the impossible happens, that we dare to dream that Randy's gonna wake up in this camp tomorrow. So yes, there's still hope. While I still have a breath and a brain cell in my brain (as opposed to having a brain cell in his finger?), I will fight for him."
Can you imagine if Martin Luther King, Jr. knew his words would be applied to something so incredibly important as one deluded man's quest for redemption, honor, and a million dollars by saving a racist from being voted out of a game show that has never been known for its portrayal of black contestants (who are, with few exceptions, depicted as lazy, crazy or both) and kicked off its 13th season with a race war, and then airing that in the closing days of Black History Month? The history of race relations in this country would be very different, as he would have no doubt given up before he even started and just moved to a country where people were more tolerant and less self-important.
And so the Villains arrive at Tribal Council, where they are met by the corpse of Martin Luther King, Jr., who spun in his grave at such a speed that he drilled through the center of the Earth and all the way to Samoa. Probst recites his stupid torch speech and begins with a question for Sandra, asking her if "past relationships" with fellow contestants, be they on the same tribe or the opposing tribe, are a factor in this game. Sandra says they take many things into consideration when deciding who to vote out, like who has won the game before (cut to Parvati, even though Sandra herself has won just as many times as Parvati has), who is on the show for a third time (cut to Jerri, as if she's the only one when it's really like half the freaking cast), and yes, who has played with other contestants before. Didn't Sandra play this game with Rupert before? But she calls out Parvati as the example, reminding everyone that Parvati has three friends on the opposing tribe while Randy nods eagerly. Oh, and there is Douche, simply resplendent in his now-traditional Tribal Council feather. Parvati says that she wants to stay true to her Villains tribe and will not switch over to her friends come the merge, but she knows that all she can do is promise that and everyone in this game knows how little words mean. Probst asks Li'l Russell for his opinion on the matter, just in case he didn't get enough camera time this week. Li'l Russell says that knowing people on the other tribe can be a "huge advantage." So can being the only castmate whose episodes hadn't aired before this season started filming, thus allowing you to use the same exact strategy you did on your season with your tribemates none the wiser. Probst asks Jerri if tonight's vote should be about challenge performance rather than potential allies in the merge. Jerri says that keeping the tribe strong for challenges is important, though maybe not more than the fact that Parvati has friends on the other tribe.
Probst then turns back to Sandra and asks her if the tribe has a leader, because Probst is freaking obsessed with tribes having leaders. Douche smiles self-importantly, but Sandra's answer is not what he was expecting. She says there are different leaders for different tasks, like when they're building the shelter, they defer to Rob's expertise. And sometimes Douche bosses everyone around, only to then go off somewhere that she describes as "two miles out." I'm not sure if she meant that he was off on the beach doing warrior poses or in the woods slacking off or in the ocean trying to catch food. But Douche takes great exception to Sandra's words, saying he doesn't appreciate being called out by name and that her words are "a bunch of bullshit" since he personally spent three hours collecting firewood. And he knows it was three hours because I guess he set up an accurate sundial on the beach. He says that he works harder than anyone else around camp while they all slack off and do their own thing, which is why their shelter is "the worst in Survivor history." Jerri begs to differ, saying that she's pretty sure she was in the worst shelter in Survivor history. She probably means the one Rupert built that was 50% underground and 100% flooded. Courtney, too, believes that she might have been in the worst shelter ever. Everyone is smiling and laughing, but it doesn't last, as Douche is still offended by Sandra's words and tells her to vote him out if she doesn't think he's pulling his weight on the tribe. She didn't say that. Douche is being a wee bit defensive tonight. Clearly, someone has an agenda this season to not look like a useless hypocrite who is full of shit. Sandra tries to say that she didn't mean it that way (at least I think that's what "I'm just saying I get stuck with you and you guys roll out" means), but Douche won't be mollified. So she suddenly changes the subject to the tribe's machete, which has been missing all day. Li'l Russell is positively thrilled to see that his dirty work is finally paying off. "What do you mean, you 'have no machete?'" Probst asks, as if he doesn't know. "It grew legs and walked off," Sandra says. Probst and the tribe laugh at this, which isn't quite the internal strife and chaos Li'l Russell was expecting. Ha! time you hide or destroy people's things, make sure you do it to a tribe full of people who give a shit. That really hasn't been the case with either of the tribes Li'l Russell has done this to.
Pavati says they're a "tribe full of misfits," and I'm not sure why they're downplaying how well they've really done in this game so far, winning two immunity challenges in come-from-behind victories and only losing this last one because it was stacked against them from the start. Probst asks Li'l Russell for his opinion again, and he says he played the game with "dodos" the first time around, and none of them compares to any of his tribemates this time. "Awww," Courtney says, apparently falling for it. Yes, Courtney. You keep believing that a doctor and a Stanford-educated lawyer are dumber than you. Li'l Russell says everyone is playing the game hard, which he claims to like and respect. Until that game-playing earns him second place to someone who played it better than he did, in which case his admiration and respect turn into bitter tears on national TV.
Probst finally acknowledges the Villains' challenge successes, saying he's surprised to find out that they're fractured back at camp when they put on a united front in the challenge. He asks if Tribal Council will help them bond as a tribe. Rob says he doubts it. In challenges, they all know what has to be done and are able to work together to accomplish it, but at camp, there's no other tribe to fight against or a Probst to tell them what to do. With that, they vote. Parvati votes for Randy, saying it's either him or her. We don't see how anyone else votes, causing me to hope against hope that Randy actually voted for Li'l Russell along with everyone except Parvati and it'll be a total blindside. But no, after Parvati's vote for Randy, we get a vote for Rob. Hmm... could it be, a super blindside to get rid of Rob? Oh, no, it isn't. The rest of the votes are for Randy, which means that the vote for Rob was cast by Randy himself (after all that talk about how pretty people get ahead, he couldn't bring himself to vote Parvati out either!) and that Douche, despite everything he said about hope and achieving the impossible and fighting to keep Randy in this game, voted for Randy along with everyone else. Way to stand up for the rights of the downtrodden there, Douche. Martin Luther King, Jr. would be so proud of this particular part of his legacy.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison[at]gmail.com.