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Survivor is ten years and twenty seasons old, so what better way to celebrate than to bring back twenty past contestants, many of whom we're seeing for the third freaking time? And they've been divided into two tribes: the "Heroes" (which has Cirie and Sugar in its ranks for some reason) and the "Villains" (with Douche, who, while detestable, was more of a stupid and self-deluded hypocrite in his season than he was a villain). They chat with Probst on the beach before heading into their first reward challenge, in which there is a lot of wrestling and boobs a-flyin' before the Heroes win flint -- though at the cost of injuries to Stephanie (who endures her dislocated shoulder like a freaking champ) and Rupert (who whines about his tiny little broken toe for the rest of the episode), along with Sugar's bra, which is ripped off by Sandra. When the Heroes catch some "wild" chickens roaming around their camp, they think they've got this entire game made. But the Villains are doing just fine at their camp, with Rob there to school them all in fire-making without flint, Douche and Jerri cozying up to each other in an unlikely and sick-making love match, and Li'l Russell playing the same camera-hogging useless game he played last season. They come from behind to win the immunity challenge, thanks to the Heroes' wise decision to put the four idiots in their tribe on puzzle-solving duty. Back at Hero camp, the group consensus on who to vote out appears to be between Sugar (who cries all the time and is generally useless), Amanda (who has proven in her two appearances that she knows how to play this game), and Cirie (ditto) until the votes are read and Sugar is unanimously chosen to leave the game, her time in it as much of a blur as she was when she finished the reward challenge with no top and two middle fingers.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Can you believe it's been 10 years since this show premiered and then patted itself on the back for creating the reality TV genre that was actually around for quite some time before? That's 10 years since Jeff Probst was only known as the guy who hosted that lame Rock and Roll Jeopardy show on VH1. 10 years since the world first knew that homosexuals and Navy SEALS could bond over their shared hatred of everyone else. And 8 years since this show was cool. How the world has changed in those 10 years! And yet, this show has remained pretty much the same. Case in point: we're celebrating 10 years and 20 seasons of Survivor with a bunch of contestants we've seen before -- in many cases more than once -- many of whom we were hoping never to see again. Case in point in point: here's Probst, who greets us with various sites of the South Pacific that have been featured on past Survivor seasons. Because nothing says you're pulling out the stops and going all-out on a 20th season like recycled footage! Probst claims that Survivor is "the most difficult" and "groundbreaking" show on TV. I'm sure that neither of those statements are true.
And here come helicopters full of Survivor contestants past! Yes, there's the stupid dragon tattoo of Coach "Douche" Wade, who I really thought I was rid of forever. And there's the tie-dyed shirt of Rupert, who I was hoping I'd never have to deal with in the first place. Oh, and there's Parvati, making her third freaking appearance on this show. I like Parvati and all, but I don't understand why she and some other contestants are on this show for a third time when there are plenty of other awesome past contestants who haven't gotten to come back for a second. Like Twila. But Probst claims that these contestants are 10 of our "favorite heroes" and 10 of "the most notorious villains." Um, what are Cirie and Sugar doing on the "heroes" side? And why is Douche in the "villain" tribe? He thought he was the most honest and true hero in his entire season, maybe in the history of the game. It wasn't true, but still. I see they've put Racist Randy back on the show, which pleases me only because he got to come back as a "notorious villain" and not Corrine. Rupert gets the first interview, saying "in my world, I've always tried to show that good will win." I wish he'd try to show us that it's possible to keep a beard neatly trimmed or wear something besides tie-dye. Li'l Russell kicks off what is sure to be copious amounts of camera time for him by saying he's proud to be a villain because villains are smart, and you can Google that fact if you don't believe it. Because the internet is all about honest-to-god true facts. Like how I, Sara Morrison, am a 5'11" supermodel with a Ph.D in astrophysics and an Oscar. Google it! It's there now!
J.T. claims that he's happy to be on the side of the heroes because he considers himself to be one, even though on his own season he had no problem lying to Douche and stabbing him in the back. Also Taj. Let's be real here: there are no heroes on this show. This whole concept is dumb. Jerri's back, and she has a sense of humor about herself and her place in this show's history. I actually met Jerri once right after the All-Stars season and she was really nice. So I'm rooting for her. Douche promises that he's going to "slay everyone" and "trust no one." "Hero" Tom starts off by saying he's not in the same shape he was last time and hopes he'll be able to keep up with his tribemates. Thanks for the low expectations, Tom! But you're still in better shape than, say, Rupert, so don't sweat it too much. Rob interviews that his tribe should get rid of him as soon as possible, but probably won't. "They never do," he sighs, somewhat sadly. Ha! Rob is only here for the free vacation from his wife and child. Sandra, who is on the Villains tribe despite being a hero in her season in that she: a. was awesome; b. was in an alliance with the beam of shining light that is Rupert, and c. won instead of sourface Lill or the guy who lied about his grandma being dead. But I guess since she swore a lot, she's a villain. Whatever. She says she's ready, willing, and able to be even meaner than she was in her first season. "I'll lie, I don't care. But I'll make up a good lie," she promises. Sandra rules. Meanwhile, Cirie finds it funny that she's on the Heroes tribe. "I'm a gangsta in an Oprah suit!" she says. And with that, Probst does his usual dramatic stance on some rocks near the ocean and says "39 days, 20 people, 1 survivor!"
After the credits, we have to hear from Rupert again, who says he's excited for the game to begin again. Meanwhile, Douche is pretending to shoot an arrow out of his helicopter while Sandra, seated beside him, no doubt thinks "what the fuck are you doing, weirdo?" Incidentally, this season I find myself not hating Douche as much as I did the last time. I know! I don't get it, either. Amanda says she feels like you do right before you bungee jump. I wouldn't know what that feels like because I've never bungee jumped. I will when I'm old enough that if I die doing something so frivolous, it won't really matter. Same with skydiving. Look for me on the senior citizen extreme sports circuit in about fifty years. Also, why is Amanda here? Why not someone from the Micronesia season who hasn't gotten a second chance come on instead? Like Natalie. I really want to see her again. Remember how she didn't exist until like the last five episodes of the season, when she suddenly became a homicidal maniac? That was the best. Oh, how I miss that season.
Probst pretends that he has the authority to direct the helicopters on where to land and the contestants walk onto the beach. The Heroes are first, all ten standing on their little blue mat and hugging each other hello and acting like they had no idea who would be here with them. And here come the Villains, their helicopters awesomely spraying sand all over the Heroes tribe. Jerri is the first off, and she gets some Wicked Witch of the West-esque music to accompany her entrance. Jerri gives Li'l Russell a big hug hello like she knows who he is, even though I don't think his season had even begun airing yet when this was filmed. With both tribes on their mats wearing, yet again, those stupid color-coded clothes because the audience is too stupid to identify who is on which tribe without them, Probst officially welcomes them to the 20th season of the show, which he claims is "the greatest adventure game in the history of television." Obviously, he's forgetting about Legends of the Hidden Temple, but whatever. Of fucking course, he talks to Li'l Russell first, asking him how it feels to be one of the ten most notorious villains this show has ever had. Well, one of the ten most notorious villains who aren't so notorious and so villain-y that their probation terms won't let them leave the country to appear on the show. Li'l Russell says he's in awe of his fellow contestants and happy to "finally" have a chance to play this game with people who respect it. Meanwhile, just behind Li'l Russell, Jerri is pulling all kinds of awesome faces. Probst asks Rob the same question, to which Rob says "I'm a villain?" Probst then turns to another one of his favorites, Rupert, and says he's "one of the most popular" contestants this show has ever had. That's not even a question, but whatever. Rupert says it's an honor and he's happy to be a Hero blah blah blah. Probst talks to Tom , reminding us that he was also very popular and won his season. He says America isn't always happy with the million-dollar winner and we get a shot of Parvati. Huh? I don't remember people being especially angry that she won over Amanda. Tom realistically says that despite his tribemates being labeled "heroes," he's not counting on them all playing like that, and vice versa for the villains. Probst then addresses Colby, saying that he was so popular that people apparently named their children after him. They did? I guess a lot of eight/nine-year-olds have stupid parents who watch too much television. Colby says that's cool. Like he and Probst didn't rehearse this whole thing right before they left. Aren't they best friends or something? Probst then asks J.T. if he's intimidated by his tribemates. He says he is since he watched many of these people compete on the show when he was just in high school and he's probably the youngest contestant there. Way to make everyone feel old, J.T.
Probst asks if anyone thinks he's on the wrong tribe. Of course, several of the Villains raise their hands. "What did we do that's so bad?" Parvati asks. Jerri says she's living up to her Black Widow title by wearing a black cowboy hat. Colby interrupts to point out that he is wearing a white cowboy hat, as if that's totally a coincidence and they weren't told what to wear by the producers. Probst finally gives a woman a chance to speak, telling Parvati that while she did a "great job" on her second season of whatever, she lead a "notorious tribe of women." Which Amanda was a part of, was she not? And Cirie? Both of whom are on the "Hero" tribe? Okay then. Probst just thinks Parvati is evil because she eliminated his beloved Ozzy. "Great player, yes ... hero? No," Probst says. Parvati tries to speak, but Probst just turns and asks James if he agrees. Why are we hearing what James has to say? He's boring and stupid. He immediately says Parvati is a villain, but we cut him off before he can give yet another stupid speech about apples. Probst says James must be right because he is huge, then asks if anyone is intimidated by the "sheer size" of James. I'm not sure what he means by that since just looking at a wide shot of the entire group, J.T. and Tyson seem to be about the same height as James. Get over your mancrush already, Probst. James says he isn't intimidated by physical prowess so much as the players who can strategize. Probst reminds us that James is a moron and was voted out of his first season while in possession of two immunity idols. And then in his second season he was felled by a cut on his finger. Let's not forget that.
Rob says that, despite the Hero tribe's size, he thinks the Villains have the advantage, as their women are much stronger than the Heroes', not like any women are getting a chance to speak. He also thinks they won't have to deal with "the egos" that the Heroes will. He has a point there. While Douche and Li'l Russell are full of themselves, they're nowhere near the smug self-satisfaction of Rupert or Stephenie or Tom. Before any women can try to speak up and ruin Probst's man-conference, he says it's time for their first reward challenge. Each tribe will split up into five teams of two. When Probst says go, one team from each tribe will run to a spot on the beach and dig for a bag, then race back to the mat with it. Whichever team gets the bag on its mat wins a point and the first tribe to get 3 points wins. Of course, contestants can and will wrestle each other to get the bag, because these hard-core physical challenges always work out so well on this show. The winning tribe gets fire and thus drinking water.
First up are Stephenie and Cirie versus Parvati and Danielle. There is much digging of sand as Probst reminds us that this challenge is recycled from Cirie and Danielle's first season. With that, Cirie uncovers the bag. Parvati tries to take her down, but Cirie awesomely Heismans her away. Despite being stuffed in the face, Parvati is able to grab ahold of Cirie's arm and drag her down. All four women are quickly entangled in a pile of blurs, because that's really why they do these stupid challenges: to give the editors something to look at. Parvati emerges with the bag, only to be spun around and dragged down by Stephenie. Damn, I forgot how strong Stephenie is. Cirie then takes down both Parvati and Danielle "like a linebacker," Probst says. Yes, because she isn't stick-thin like the other three women so she must be the fat football player. Parvati, meanwhile, manages to get Stephenie in a hold. "Break her shoulder!" Courtney requests. I never saw her season, but I like Courtney so far. Danielle emerges with the bag and outruns Cirie to the mat, giving the Villains the first point. Meanwhile, Stephenie returns to her side complaining about her right shoulder. James takes one look at it and calls for a medic. Probst walks over and asks what's going on. "Her shoulder's out," James says. Candice is a med student, so it's up to her to tell us that dislocated shoulders are bad. I'm glad I don't have HDTV so I don't have to see Stephenie's wandering shoulder in greater detail that I already do.
After the break, medical finally arrives to get more camera time this season than, like, Danielle. Probst inserts himself in the action, holding Stephenie's arm up to immobilize it. The doctor lady, who usually doesn't do much more than take someone's pulse and then pull him out of the game, wraps Stephenie up and pulls her shoulder back into place with a horrible cracking sound. Med student Candice can't bear to watch, spinning around with her tongue out. She'll be a great doctor. I know one thing that always makes me feel like I'm in good hands is when I show my doctor an injury and he spins around with his tongue out because he can't bear to look at it. As soon as the shoulder is back in place, Stephenie seems to feel much better, although she isn't thrilled with the other tribe for dislocating her shoulder. I'm sure Parvati didn't do it on purpose. "Wow," Probst says, in a rare show of admiration for a female contestant. Seriously, though: Stephenie is a rock star for that.
And now, it's time for the second round: Amanda and J.T. versus Randy and Jerri. Jerri gets the bag and calls out for Randy to help her, which probably wasn't wise since J.T. is much closer to her than Randy is. The bag is still partially buried, so Jerri sits on it like a determined mother hen while Amanda and J.T. try to pry her off of it. Randy finally decides to do something and wrestles J.T. away. J.T. leaves the women to the bag and jumps on top of Randy. Sugar cheers for J.T. to kill the hated Randy, like she hasn't done enough to him. J.T. somehow gets the bag out of the ground and has no problem getting past Randy and to the mat.
Third round is a Probst special: all men! It'll be Colby and Tom versus Douche and Li'l Russell. Will Douche finally do something physical, which he managed to avoid for his entire season? Not so much at first, as while the other three men dig in the sand, Douche just stands and watches. Of course, Li'l Russell is able to find the bag, but doesn't get far before he's tackled by Colby and Tom. Douche realizes he has to do stuff now and gets in on the pile-up. While Li'l Russell tries to crush Tom's windpipe, Colby gets the bag, but Douche has his arms locked around his waist. I think he might have grabbed hold of Colby's package for a second there, too. Probst is so jealous. Colby drags Douche back to the finish line, but it turns out that Douche actually has a strategy! He lets Colby push forward all he wants while pushing him sideways towards the Villain mat. When they get close enough, Douche simply pushes Colby and the bag onto the Villains mat, giving the Villains a second point. Tyson can't believe it, and says that Colby "might as well become a woman" for getting owned by Douche of all people. Heh heh heh.
For the fourth round, it's time for another catfight. We've got Sugar and Candice against Sandra and Courtney. Courtney looks confident, but she's thinner than my wrist and wearing what appears to be men's briefs, so whatever. She manages to find the bag, and tries to pull it out of the ground before anyone notices. But Candice is a med student, so she's quick to spot it. Sugar pulls Courtney away from the bag as Candice gets it. But she doesn't go far before Courtney manages to take her down. Sandra destroys Sugar and goes to help Courtney. Sugar weakly tries to help, but Sandra just pushes her away again. And yet, she's in the right place at the right time and Candice is able to throw the bag to her. Sandra takes Sugar down with an awesome flying tackle, causing the bag to fly forward and land in the sand, alone. Sandra then unhooks Sugar's bra, thinking that will stop Sugar. It doesn't. Sugar, now topless, grabs the bag and runs for the mat to give the Heroes a tying point. She then turns around and gives Sandra a double-fisted middle finger. So now she's got blurs on her chest and both hands. Awesome.
For the final round, we've got James and Rupert against Tyson and Rob. Tyson is wearing the tiniest shorts, by the way. Not just a speedo, but one with a pattern meant to accentuate his package and make us all uncomfortable. There's no way in hell he didn't buy that from an "International Male" catalogue. Tyson tells Rob to stay back like Douche did while he and the two heroes dig. He gets the bag, but James and Rupert jump on top of him. James emerges with the bag and easily blows past Rob. I'm starting to see why they're always talking about how big and strong he is. Damn. The Heroes win the reward, but all is not well for Rupert, who limps back to the mat. He says his toe is "broke." But it's not even his big toe. It's the second smallest toe. He whines about it as the doctor comes back and tapes it to his smallest toe, which is pretty much all you can do for that. Rupert claims that he could feel his tiny toe "cracking inside me" but this heinous injury won't stop him from playing this game. Oh, please. Don't try to act like you're so tough when we all just saw Stephenie literally shrug her dislocated shoulder off like it was nothing. Probst says that, despite their injuries, the Heroes now have fire and an advantage in this game. With that, he tosses the contestants their maps and tells them to head out to their respective camps. Li'l Russell gets the last word, saying that he doesn't mind losing because he's used to it. He's looking forward to winning the challenge and sending the Heroes to Tribal Council, where they can "do their hero thing," whatever that means.
The Villains arrive at their camp to find baskets full of supplies, such as flippers and a tiny pitchfork. I'm not sure what the pitchfork is for except as a delightful prop for the Villains. Li'l Russell gets yet another interview that I just can't be bothered to recap. He says the same thing all the fucking time. Let's hear from ANYONE ELSE PLEASE. Oh, and he says that if he can win against all of these people, then that must mean he's "the best ever." Except for Natalie, who beat him. And also all the other great players who aren't on this season because the producers would rather just keep putting the same contestants on the show over and over again. Li'l Russell says he'll play the same type of game he did last time, since it served him so well. And also because the people he's playing against haven't seen his season so they won't know any better. Hey, remember last season when Li'l Russell pulled all the women in his tribe aside and promised them a Final Two alliance? Well, he does the exact same thing this time, too. First with Danielle, who interviews that she'll stick with Li'l Russell until he turns on her. So she's not buying it. Neither does Parvati, who agrees to Li'l Russell's deal before interviewing that she knows exactly what he's up to, but it's in her best interests to work with him for now. "He's just an incredible force," she says, although it's obvious that she said "he's just an incredible" and then they put her saying "force" in from somewhere else. She probably really said "he's just an incredible moron." Li'l Russell interviews that he's playing this game against All-Stars, but he's even better than them, like Michael Jordan in basketball or Michael Phelps in swimming. Didn't he just tell us how awesome they all were? But now he's better than them? Whatever.
Let's go to the Heroes side, shall we? They, too, get a tiny pitchfork, so I guess it isn't a prop. It starts raining on them, even though it was sunny at the Villains camp. What the hell? How far away are they from each other? Or does God hate the Heroes? I hope so. They head into the water to wash the sand off and J.T. says that was the best first-day challenge he's ever seen: "Sugar got topless, Stephenie dislocated her shoulder and put it back in, and Rupert broke one toe in three places." I'm pretty sure it isn't even possible to break that tiny toe in three places. Colby interviews that while his team as a whole was strong in the challenge, he personally was not.
With that, the group tries to figure out where they should build their shelter. Sugar wants to leave the decision to "the two oldest men," which I'm sure Rupert and Tom appreciate being referred to as. They get to work on the shelter. Remember when they used to show stuff like that on this show? And now they only do it when they have to fill time because it's a two-hour-long season premiere. That's a shame. Also, check out Stephenie hauling logs with her bad shoulder like it's nothing. Amanda says things are going really well. And then they get even better, as Tom notices some "wild" chickens wandering around nearby. If you are an animal on this show, you do not want to be near Tom. He caught and killed a goddamn shark! He yells for his tribe to help, and J.T. is of course the first to make himself useful, because this is probably what he does back home anyway. They grab the fishing net the producers supplied them with, surround the four chickens, and toss it over them, catching them all. Oh my god, can you guys imagine what Shambo is thinking watching this at home right now? She LOVES chickens. JT interviews that it's "incredible" that they were able to catch all four chickens "in the wild." Oh, come on now. We all know that those aren't wild chickens. They probably belong to whoever's backyard the Heroes camp is to.
Night 1 at the Villains camp, the tribe makes fun of Rupert. Ha! Jerri says he merely "stubbed" his toe, while Randy does an impression of him. Douche reminisces about his stunning victory over Colby, although he claims in an interview that while he'd "forgotten" about his impressive display, his tribe couldn't stop thinking about it. Jerri, with her past with Colby, naturally gravitates towards Douche, her new hero. Say what? She interviews that she wants to get to know him better while snuggling up beside him to sleep. NOOO! Not Jerri! Also, what happened to Douche's ladyfriend from the finale? Douche interviews that he is also interested in Jerri, who is a "different kind of girl" to his "different kind of guy." Randy, meanwhile, laughs at them. The morning, the camp is abuzz about Douche and Jerri's blossoming romance. Douche actually smiles goofily when Li'l Russell and Parvati tease him about it, which makes him -- as much as I hate to say it -- kind of endearing. Meanwhile, Sandra and Courtney tease Jerri about Douche. I think Courtney's just doing it because she likes calling Douche "the Dragonslayer" and then laughing.
Day 2 at Camp Heroes. Is Colby wearing a prison uniform? J.T. and James go off and agree to an alliance of physical threats, and J.T. says he doesn't want women to beat them. Oh. Shut up, J.T. Didn't you used to be likable? But now you kind of suck. He then interviews that while he's promising James a final two alliance, he knows he'd never beat him in votes and will thus get rid of him before that point. Over in the bushes, Colby talks to Candice about his concerns about other players teaming up because they know each other from seasons. Meanwhile, he apparently hasn't watched this show since Season 2, so he has no idea who any of these people even are. Way to study your competition, Colby. Amanda and Cirie go off together as well. "We're back again," Amanda says. "I know. What do you think?" Cirie asks. "I don't know yet. What do you think?" Amanda asks. "I don't know," Cirie says. Well, that was fascinating. Amanda points out that she's played this game with James and Cirie before, so they've got a nice three-way alliance on their tribe if they want it. And Amanda has played this game with James twice before. That doesn't really seem fair to everyone else, but whatever. The producers clearly want James and Amanda to have every possible advantage. Amanda claims that this could also put a target on their backs, because their tribemates will be looking to get rid of them if they think they're aligned. Tom and Stephenie also go off together. Tom greets Stephenie with a big hug as if this is the first chance he's gotten to talk to her even though it's Day 2. Tom and Stephenie act like they're great good friends, even though they were on opposing tribes for most of their season until Stephenie got absorbed into Tom's tribe for like six days before they were able to vote her out. They talk about who to include in their alliance. Tom interviews that as much as he likes Stephenie and wants to work with her, she might not be the best choice to take to the Final Two. He says he needs to make a real Final Two alliance with someone who won the million. And that would be J.T., who has the similar idea that he has to go to the end with a fellow winner to have any chance of winning again. J.T. interviews that his tribemates expect him to be just a loyal and honest as he was in Toucanteens (even though he wasn't), but this is a totally different game. "You have to have a dark side somewhere. You have to be willing to sacrifice some of your integrity to make it far in this game," he says. Yes, thank you, J.T. That's why having a "Heroes" and a "Villains" tribe doesn't make sense. Also, I'll be interested to see what you can do without having Stephen around to do a lot of the thinking.
At Camp EVIL, Rob is becoming annoyed with the laziness of his tribemates. He complains to Jerri about these diva new-school contestants versus hard-working old schoolers like him and Jerri. "There's nobody here that wants to do anything," he interviews as we see a shot of Douche doing some useless warrior poses on the beach. Jerri says people are just suffering from a lack of energy due to dehydration. So Rob decides to build a fire so his tribe can drink. While his lazy tribemates scoff and call his efforts futile, Rob gets to work. Randy says that since no one will be voted off or not voted off due to fire-making abilities, they should just "blow it off." "You're just gonna wear yourself out," he says. While Randy interviews about how fire is impossible to make without flint and steel, Rob rubs two bamboo poles together (with Randy helping out, even though he said it was a waste of energy, so whatever). Sure enough, it's soon smoking and Rob places the resulting embers (or whatever that stuff is called. I don't know how to make fire and I don't have to, because I'll never go on this show) on a pile of kindling and blows. Lo and behold, there is fire! Wow, that makes him one of the only people on this show to make fire without flint or eyeglasses. Rob interviews that he's just as competitive and cutthroat as he was when he played this game six years ago, but he's also now a husband and father, which he thinks has taught him patience. At the same time, he says he's stuck on a tribe full of idiots. And somehow, when Rob says this, I believe him. But when Li'l Russell says it, I want him to die in the fire that Rob made. Funny how that works. Douche interviews that he's "a little in awe of Rob" and happy to have him on the tribe. Aw, look! Douche has a mancrush on Rob! And he likes Jerri! Douche is showing us his softer, possibly less-douchey side this season. Douche makes Rob uncomfortable by telling him how great he thinks he is. Li'l Russell, clearly jealous, interviews that Rob might think he's in control of this camp and the game, but Li'l Russell is "the king." "Unless I'm dethroned. But you know what? That ain't gonna happen," he says. Except that it did. Last season.
We go back to the Heroes Camp to see the other major camera-whore on a show full of camera-whores: Rupert. He wades out in the ocean to try to do some fishing, but complains that because his "toe is broke in at least two places," he hasn't been able to catch anything. So he's just going to work around camp because that's all his "darn toe" is capable of. He hopes that starting a fire for his tribe will be enough to keep him around. But how can he possibly start a fire when his toe is broken in three thousand places??? It's just not possible. He tries and tries, but has no luck. Cirie watches from afar and then laughs at him for shaving half of their flint down with no fire to show for it. That's funny to me, but it shouldn't really be to Cirie, since she kind of needs that flint to last 39 days. Cirie says she just had to sit back and watch Rupert fail because "his ego is so humungous, what can you say?" Finally, J.T. steps in to start the fire and save the flint. Rupert shuffles away, talking to himself. J.T. appears to start the fire immediately. Rupert interviews that he's still worried about his "darn broken toe." He's afraid the tribe will see "how much pain [he's] really in" and how he isn't able to contribute as much to them because of it. Oh my god, Rupert, shut the hell up about your stupid little toe. I do roller derby and despite what you may have seen on Google about me being 5'11", I'm actually pretty small and get knocked around a lot. One time I broke my index finger in the middle of a bout and you know what I did then? I complained about it for the rest of the bout and blamed it on my poor performance. Oh wait, no, I didn't -- I got it taped up and kept skating. And then went about my daily business with a broken finger for the couple weeks, typing on my computer and writing papers. It wasn't the most comfortable feeling in the world, but I was still able to adapt and go about my daily business without much of a problem. And I'm a wimp, so what does that make Rupert, whose broken second-smallest toe prohibits him from doing just about everything? A giant stupid baby, for one. Clearly the editors agree with me, as they're giving him the big dumb oaf music.
At the Villains camp, Rob and Tyson try to climb a palm tree to get some fronds for the roof of their shelter. Fortunately, they have Jerri there to talk some sense into them, as she points out that this is both unnecessary and ridiculously dangerous. Rob then interviews that while he doesn't want to risk getting hurt just for some fronds, he knows of one person who is "so full of himself" that he won't be able to resist a challenge: DOUCHE. So while Douche interviews that he and Rob are awesome friends and iron sharpens iron, he tries to climb the palm tree while Rob and Sandra laugh at him, then take bets on whether or not he'll be able to do it. Sandra bets he won't, because she is the smartest person there. She interviews that she likes Rob and thinks she's a lot like him. So much so, in fact, that she'd like to align with him "until it's time to cut his throat." In the end, Douche elects not to climb the tree, much to Sandra's delight. Rob now owes her one dollar.
Night falls on Camp Heroes. Everyone is asleep except for Sugar, who interviews that in this game, as in life, she's always looking for "a protector." By which she means one of the "sexy young men" on her tribe. But they're either taken or not interested, so she snuggles up to Colby instead. And then proceeds to talk, even though everyone else is clearly trying to sleep. Colby interviews that Sugar "started chattin' up again ... chattin' up loud." Didn't she pull this kind of stuff in Gabon, too, and that's why everyone hated her? That's what they said in interviews afterwards but we didn't get to see that then, so I thought she was awesome. Now that she's grabbing Colby's hands and placing them across her bosom, I find her a little pathetic. Also, wasn't she married or something at her Survivor finale? What happened to that? Colby tries to escape her by leaving the shelter and sitting in front of the fire, but she just finds him and lies to him. He blames her for the entire tribe not getting much sleep, although I think more of the blame goes to Rupert's broken toe, which is so broken and painful that it's making everyone else's toes hurt, too.
The day, Colby and James discuss eating one of their chickens to get some energy before the immunity challenge. They figure the rooster is their best bet, since he's the biggest and can't lay eggs. J.T. grabs the rooster and breaks its neck with a loud snapping sound. James loves J.T. for this, while Rupert no doubt thinks about how that rooster's neck is still not as broken as his darn toe. James interviews that his great-great-grandmother once did that when he was three, twisting off a chicken's head clean off and letting the body run around for a while. James laughs at the memory, then decides that it was actually traumatic. I'll bet. When I was three, I saw a toilet at JC Penney overflow. I had no idea toilets could do that, and I couldn't flush a toilet without then running for my life for years afterward. Um, actually ... I still do that in public bathrooms. Can you blame me? They flush so loudly, and with such force! So I can't imagine the terror that a headless chicken would have inspired in me. But the resulting chicken soup wins the approval of the rest of the tribe. Colby confidently interviews that his tribe is on a roll, and the Villains, who don't have "small victories," such as fire and some chickens that wandered away from some guy's backyard, will soon self-destruct.
We cut immediately to the roaring fire at Camp Villain, so suck on that, Colby! Danielle reads the treemail for the upcoming immunity challenge and Douche interviews that despite their reward challenge loss, the Villains are ready to kick some hero ass. Both tribes arrive at the beach for the challenge. Probst asks J.T. of the Heroes if they were able to start a fire, because obviously no woman on the Heroes tribe would be able to answer that question. J.T. says they did and camplife has been generally good. Probst asks Tom about the food situation, and he says they caught and ate some chickens. Probst then asks Rob (again, not a woman. Probst just doesn't want to talk to women this season, apparently) about Camp Villain, and he wisely keeps quiet about their fire, saying they have a terrible shelter. "It's not that bad," Douche says. "It's bad. It's really bad," Parvati says immediately. Probst chalks Douche's opinion of the shelter up to his ability to "endure anything" (that doesn't involve hard work or effort and has a camera nearby), then gets to the challenge before another woman dares to speak out of turn. The tribes will split into two groups of six and four players, with the 6-man group assembling a boat and keeping it together with planks that fit into pegs on the boat pieces. They will then row the boat out to sea, grab and light a torch, and row back to the beach. Once there, they remove all the planks from the boat and hand them off to the 4-man team, who must solve a puzzle and stick it into the slot on a ramp, which they'll also have to build a ladder on using the boat planks. The first tribe to get all of its members to the top of the ramp with the torch and light a "fire barrel" wins immunity. This is another recycled challenge, this time from the Cook Islands season. Probst reveals the immunity idol the winning tribe will receive to great musical fanfare, even though Probst is the only person in the world who actually cares what the immunity idol looks like.
The tribes split up, with Parvati, Courtney, Douche, Tyson, Danielle, and Li'l Russell on the boat for the Villains and James, Tom, Candice, Colby, Stephenie, and J.T. for the Heroes. They race to their boat pieces and planks and drag them into the water. Probst notes that James is carrying two boat pieces on his own, because Probst loves James. The Heroes gain a significant lead when they get their boat together before the Villains even have their planks in place. They've already got their lit torch and are heading back by the time the Villains set out. Probst is happy to see them on the water, though, as he finally gets to make fun of Douche's kayaking experience and sarcastically claim it should help his tribe in this challenge. The Heroes get their boat back to shore and hand their planks to the puzzle team, who get to work. On one hand, the puzzle team has Cirie on it, and she's smart. On the other, it also has Amanda, Sugar, and Rupert, who are all stupid. They haven't gotten very far into it by the time that Villains get started on theirs. Rob and Sandra take over on the puzzle and make quick work of it, while the Heroes struggle with theirs. The Villains complete their puzzle and work on the ladder. The Heroes aren't even close and just give up when they see the Villain tribe climbing up their ramp. So they can sit back and watch the Villains win.
Probst hands the Villains the immunity idol and some flint. Sugar bursts into tears. I do too, as I just realized that the Villain tribe's win means that Li'l Russell will be on this show for at least one more episode. Probst points out Sugar's tears to everyone, then sends the tribes away. During the slow motion walk of shame, Colby interviews that Sugar is having an "emotional breakdown" this early in the game, and so probably isn't fit to continue in the game. Okay, while I think that Sugar is lame for crying, she didn't have an "emotional breakdown." Come on.
The Villains return to camp feeling very triumphant. The talk soon turns to who the Heroes will be sending home. Sandra thinks Tom and Stephenie are aligned, as are James, Cirie, and Amanda from their last season together. "And what's the other one?" she asks, by which I'm pretty sure she's referring to Parvati. Parvati, meanwhile, chops something and says she has no idea if Amanda and Cirie are working together or not. Which is bullshit, since I'm sure they all talked about this and came to an agreement before the show began filming. Li'l Russell gets yet another interview, talking about how the Villains are enjoying life right now while the Heroes are not. With that, he makes a see-saw and plays on it with Douche. No, really.
And now let's see how the Heroes are doing in their defeat. Rupert interviews that "nobody in a million years would've guessed we were goin' to Tribal Council on Day 3." Really? No one? Because as soon as I saw your dumb ass at the puzzle, I had an inkling. Rupert says his tribe has now learned that they aren't perfect and are capable of failure. Isn't someone else on that tribe capable of narrating the day's events, though? He gets together with J.T., Cirie, and Sugar, who suggests voting Amanda out tonight. Way to do that right in front of Amanda's probably alliancemate, Sugar. She then cries in an interview about how she was disappointed in herself for being a part of the puzzle team that lost the challenge for her tribe as well as scared that she'd be going home first. J.T. goes to Colby to tell him that Sugar wants Amanda out. Of course, Colby does not agree. With visions of a good night's sleep dancing through his head, he agrees with J.T. that Sugar should go out first. Various other tribemates agree on this point until Colby talks to Tom, who points out that Sugar is useful to them as a "follower," while Cirie is "one of the smartest strategic players in the game" and it'd be a wiser move to get rid of her first. Yes, it would. Which is why they won't do it. Tom interviews that on his season, his tribe waited too long to get rid of the biggest threat to win the game -- Tom himself. Thus, he won and they lost. He doesn't want to be on the other side of that.
He talks to J.T., Colby, and Stephenie about Cirie and they seem to agree that they should be afraid of her. Meanwhile, Cirie, Candice, and Amanda talk about voting Tom or Stephenie out to get rid of that alliance. Cirie leaves the decision to Amanda, who stands there with her mouth open. Cirie interviews that Sugar, while annoying, should not be the one to go home tonight because Sugar makes Cirie look that much stronger and less annoying. Unfortunately for Cirie, she's in an alliance with Amanda, who whines that they shouldn't get rid of Stephenie because she's a "really strong swimmer" and they need her to win challenges. Like in Stephenie's first season in Palau, when her swimming skills helped her win approximately zero challenges. Amanda says that tonight's vote is a choice between getting rid of a weak player to help win challenges, getting rid of a strategic threat, or getting rid of someone no one likes.
The tribe arrives at Tribal Council, which this year has been built in a treehouse forty feet high. It takes them a while to climb all the stairs to get there, which just gives the editors more filler to pad out the two-hour show. Probst recites his torch/fire/life speech, then goes right to Tom (a man, naturally) to ask how important prior relationships are to this game. He points out that Tom and Stephenie and Cirie and Amanda have played together before. Um, way to ignore the fact that Amanda and James have played together TWICE before, and James played with Cirie as well. Tom says it's a "clean slate" now and prior relationships aren't important, which everyone knows is not true. Probst asks Sugar, who hasn't played with any of her tribemates before, if she agrees with Tom. She does not. Probst reminds us all that Amanda has played twice and come in second both times, and asks if that could put a target on her back. Amanda says it could help her, since people who have seen her play the game before know that she is loyal to her alliances and can trust her. Also, she sucks out loud at Final Tribal Council, so she's beatable in the end. James pats her on the back for her improved Tribal Council speaking abilities this time around, which seems kind of condescending to me. Amanda concludes by reminding everyone that there are people on the tribe who have gone farther in the game than she did, a.k.a. Tom and J.T.
Probst announces that Cirie has proven to be a definite "threat to win the game" and asks why her tribe should keep her in the game because of that. So, apparently, Probst only talks to women when it's to point out all the reasons why they should be voted out as soon as possible. Cirie says she's no more of a threat than anyone else here. Stephenie says her decision will be based on keeping the team as strong as possible so they won't come back to Tribal Council. Probst changes the subject to the immunity challenge, saying that while the first half went great for them, when it came time to do the puzzle, it was a "disaster." James, who wasn't part of the puzzle-solving team so who cares what he has to say about that, says the four tribemates weren't working together as a team. Probst asks Cirie if she shouldn't be voted out tonight for "blowing it" on the puzzle. Why doesn't Probst just say "Hi guys! Fire represents life. Now vote Cirie out because she's a strategic threat and too stupid to complete a puzzle. Right, James/Tom/J.T.?" Cirie points out that one challenge shouldn't determine one's worth in the entire game. That makes too much sense, so Probst turns to Sugar and informs her that "there's no debate" that she lost the immunity challenge for her entire tribe, so why shouldn't they vote her out? Hey, what about when Colby lost a point in that reward challenge to freaking Douche of all people? Are we not going to talk about that? Sugar says she's afraid of that, and that's why she was crying before, but she herself wouldn't vote someone out because of one challenge. Probst just can't stop talking about the point, and asks Candice why she shouldn't vote out someone who was on the puzzle team. Notice how none of Probst's favorite strong hot men were on the Heroes' puzzle team. I'm just saying. Candice says if you vote someone out for not doing well on the puzzle, then no one on the tribe will volunteer to do puzzles in challenges. Although in that last case, I think that might have been a good thing. They would have solved that puzzle sooner if they just left it on the table and hoped the wind blew the pieces into place.
Probst asks Tom if tonight's vote is about the short-term game or the long-term one. Tom apparently speaks for his entire tribe as he says that they're focused on being the strongest tribe possible and not the endgame yet. Probst asks Candice if she's looking to "change things up" in terms of her tribemates and their relationships. "Yes ... or no," she says. Because she, unlike some people in her tribe, doesn't want to look stupid by making a confident pronouncement at Tribal Council. With that, she's the first to vote. The rest of the voting is uneventful except for when Sugar goes to vote and finds herself stumped as to which end has the pen cap on it. Hmm ... this might be part of the reason why the Heroes did such a bad job on that puzzle.
Probst reads the votes: four for Sugar, one for Amanda, and the rest are for Sugar. Ah, well. She already had her awesome moment anyway. No one's going to top her flipping the bird with both hands while topless. Although Rob is going to try week, when he apparently dies.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at last season on Samoa. C