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It's the end! Who will win? Not Ken, as he's voted out when Bob wins the immunity challenge (although not the fashion contest. Each contest got fabric and war paint to dress up as warriors. While Susie went gothic black and looked cool, Bob went red and almost naked. It was awkward.) and again refuses to give it to him, pointing out quite rightly that he wasn't about to give Ken immunity after finding out that Ken planned to turn around and vote him out. Ken goes out well, though, telling his former tribemates to have fun.
The day, the Final Four pay their respects to their fallen tribes mates and then head to their final immunity challenge, where they have to build a house of tile cards ten feet tall. Sugar goes for speed over stability, building tall towers that collapse before they hit the ten foot mark. It soon becomes a race to get the highest tower before time's up, and Susie is in the lead before she smartly decides to stop building so as not to risk knocking her tower over. Meanwhile, Bob finally comes across an immunity challenge he can't win. Matty gets close, but in the end, Susie wins her second immunity challenge and a spot in the Final Three. Everyone is insultingly bummed out that Bob is going home tonight instead of Susie. Sugar can't bear to vote him out, since he reminds her of her dead dad. She decides to force a tie instead, pitting Bob and Matty against each other in a firemaking challenge. Bob wins it easily, putting him in the Final Three with Sugar, Susie, and Bob.
Bob continues his firemaking skills and burns the hell out of the camp and then it's time for the Final Tribal Council. Ken is still sore at Bob for not giving him immunity, which is ridiculous and annoying. Corinne tells Sugar she's insincere when she cries about her dead dad, and Sugar flips her off, as well she should. Marcus is bitter as well, because he's a dick. Randy is a dick, too, but not as much as I was expecting him to be. Matty looks like David Bowie and is kind of bitter himself. None of the finalists make particularly good cases for themselves. Sugar comes across as honest and unashamed of her game play. Bob comes across as thinking that he didn't do anything wrong to anyone. Susie comes across as not sure why she's there or how.
Then we go to Los Angeles for the results. Sugar looks amazing, but she gets no votes even though she was clearly the best player of this game. Then again, she chose to keep Bob in the game over Crystal and Ken, so I guess it's her own fault. Of course, Bob wins it with four votes to Susie's three. Good for him, but he owes it all to Sugar several times over, something he never acknowledges.
Take a look back at this season's contestants. Come back on Monday for the full detailed episode recap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Welcome to three hours of Gabon! Will Bob continue his challenge domination? Will Sugar continue to play this game like it's for $10.00 instead of $1,000,000? Will Susie get more than two words to say? Will the reunion show be as disappointing as it always is? Time to find out!
I will not miss the recycled nature shots at all. Either you have enough footage to show all new nature shots every week, or you don't show fifty-seven nature shots each episode and fill the time with footage of the actual contestants instead. It's that simple. Because this is the finale, we get an animal version of Survivor. A gorilla chills out in the field. A herd of deer-like creatures drink water. Then some asshole elephant charges up and yells at everyone and they all run away. Probst reminds us that eighteen Americans came to Gabon, where they were at the mercy of dangerous animals that never came near them except for one time when two of them rowed into an elephant like idiots. He says they were as far away from civilization as a person could possibly be. This simply isn't true. It's called Antarctica. Or how about Tristan da Cunha, the most isolated place in the world?
And now, the Fang-bashing. I'd like to say it's the last time we'll hear it this season, but I'm sure the reunion show will be chock-full of goodies. Anyway, Kota was amazing and won everything. Fang sucked. Then there was a tribe switch (Probst doesn't mention the first tribe switch, as it hurts his cause that Kota was so great from the very beginning), and Kenny and Crystal used "superior strategy" to vote Marcus out, thereby ending Kota's superiority. "The powerful twosome" even "added insult to injury" by making Randy play a fake idol even though he was sure to be voted out anyway. Is he saying that Ken and Crystal did that? Because they didn't. I saw that episode. Like, more than once. Corinne was voted out, and then Crystal was, too, although Probst doesn't even mention her. Now we're left with five. There's Susie, whoever that is. Probst gives her credit where it's due for being the reason why Fang was able to get rid of Kota (aside, of course, from Kota themselves, who screwed themselves over by telling Susie she was at the bottom of their alliance). Probst says Susie is "considered weak" at individual challenges (by Probst, but not by me. SUSIE = CHALLENGE MONSTER!), but did manage to win one. Then there's Matty, whose physical strength hasn't helped him one bit since the merge, and didn't do much for him before it, either. Sugar pretends she doesn't know how to play the game and spent most of it on Exile "Island," but has been the vital swing vote at almost every Tribal Council. Bob is old, but wins like every single challenge. Bob says the AARP will soon be calling and asking him to represent them. Okay, that was funny. By the way, AARP, could you please stop sending me membership cards? It's not going to happen. Not for another thirty years. Also, Bob underestimates his commercial appeal. Surely, Michael's will be knocking on his door as well. And finally, there's Ken, the video game player who's been to eleven tribal councils and is still here. And he thinks a lot of himself for it.
Oh, and now we get recap of last week, when Ken used Bob's guilt to try to stab him in the back, only to be stabbed in the back himself by Sugar and see his ally Crystal be voted out. And then she went to the Losers Lounge, where Randy, Charlie, Marcus, and Corinne gave her the silent treatment like the disgusting people they truly are. Yes, Charlie, even you. Perhaps especially you, because you were the only one who realized that what your friends were doing was wrong and went along with it anyway to belong to the Cool Kids Club. How many of your classmates growing up made fun of you for being gay even though they knew it was wrong because they wanted to look cool in front of their friends? Shame on you.
The Final Five return to camp. Sugar is quick to gloat, saying the hidden idol was played "perfectly." Ken seems to disagree. Sugar says giving the idol to Matty felt "glorious." It looked glorious, too. Sugar and Matty high-five, and Sugar says she's never felt this powerful in her life. Except that now that Matty and Bob are still in the game and she doesn't have an idol, she's probably the least powerful she's ever been in this game. Whoops! Ken just says he had no idea that was coming, and asks where the plan came about. "In the woods somewhere," Sugar says; "you know how it goes around here, Kenny." And to think that he let her wear his shirt! Ken says he thought he was the one being voted out. Bob says he knew he wasn't, and that's why he didn't give him the necklace. Ken asks what happens time, then, when it is him. "Why don't you get your own idol?" Bob says. OH SNAP! Easy for Bob to say, though. When he needs an idol, he just makes one. Or wins it. Or both! Ken tells us that he feels "a little bit betrayed," so now I guess he knows how all those other people he fucked over felt. He whines to Bob that it's not like he doesn't try to win his own necklace, and he was close at the last immunity challenge. "We'll see," Bob says, totally done with him. Has Ken forgotten that he only wanted Bob's necklace so he could turn around and vote Bob out? Because Bob sure as hell hasn't. Bob tells us that he's annoyed that Ken tried to call him out at Tribal Council and make him look like a liar in front of the jury. "All promises are off," Bob says. Are there even any left? Everyone congratulates Bob for playing a great game, while Ken looks so jealous. He's supposed to be the big strategist! He's the game player! Ken, not Bob!
But really, the only big strategist in this game is Sugar. The morning, Sugar whispers to Bob that Ken thinks he's in an alliance with her, while Susie thinks she's tight with Matty. Sugar says she'll just pretend she's still with Ken and Matty will pretend he's with Susie, and then Bob, Sugar, and Matty will take Ken and Susie out. "Is that cool with you?" she asks. "Yes, dear," Bob says. Sugar tells us that she wants to be in the Final Three with Bob and Matty because she apparently hates money. That means Ken and Susie have to go. She'll cozy up to Ken again and try to win back his trust after voting Crystal out. That's going to be difficult after publicly giving the idol to Matty, no?
Sugar and Ken go for a walk. She says if Bob doesn't win today, he's gone. If he does, then Susie's gone. Then it'll be Ken, Matty, and Sugar as the Final Three. Ken says he's determined Bob won't win today. They open the treemail to find some craft supplies and face paint and head back to camp. Ken tells us that he felt like Sugar blindsided him last night, but after talking to her today, he feels comfortable that she wants to take him to the Final Three. Was he not paying attention when she said "Matty take this cursed thing away" at the last Tribal Council? Does he not realize that that was a big old fuck you? How can people possibly underestimate Sugar this late in the game after everything she's done? And yet, they do. It's amazing.
Ken reads the clue. It rhymes, and the last four lines are:
An amazin' chance you've got
An amazin' trip you're on
An amazin' shot at a million bucks
If you conquer amazin' Gabon.
No, I don't know why they dropped the g from amazing. All I know is that "Gabon" is clearly supposed to rhyme with "on," but Ken pronounced it "Ga-bone." Dumbass.
Amazin'ly, we actually hear from Susie, who says it feels great to be in the Final Five. She adds that it's Day 37, and they have a challenge coming up. I guess I know why we don't hear much from Susie. But if the challenge involves stating the obvious, she has a great chance to make it to the Final Four. Susie goes on to say that they were given face paint and beads and stuff in five different colors for them to use to dress themselves up as warriors. She says this with a great, "why are they making us do this cheesy bullshit?" expression on her face that is probably another reason why we don't hear much from her. Survivor takes itself too seriously for you to make fun of its sacred and meaningless ceremonies. Meanwhile, you know that no one's going to dress up at all since Bob has already stolen everything to make 750 fake idols.
Oh, the challenge looks like a fun! It's a maze. It's two mazes, in fact. I guess if there are two mazes then grammar rules state that you must drop the G in treemail clues. The contestants arrive wearing their new warrior outfits, and Probst claims to be impressed. I'm not. Sugar has, like, a bow in her hair and a lightning bolt painted on her cheek. This isn't the face painting station at the fair, Sugar! Meanwhile, Matty has turned his fabric into a loincloth, which I have no problems with. Probst asks him if it was fun turning himself into a character. Matty says he feels and looks like he's lost his mind. Probst tells him not to worry about that, since Bob, who looks like he just came from the set of Zardoz, is surely the one who's going to get the most grief from the people back home. Yeah, well, that already happened several episodes ago when he walked around in his underwear. Every week, I wonder how his little high school physics students must feel, watching their old teacher on TV practically naked. Bob reacts to Probst's comment with what might be a limp wrist, and Probst calls his outfit "very Village People," a.k.a. GAY. Either say it and own your homophobia, or don't. Preferably, don't.
For today's challenge, contestants must dig under a wall (since the challenge makers totally forgot to put a door in) and walk across a series of planks in maze form. They will then enter another maze with huts inside. Inside three of the huts are bags of puzzle pieces. Contestants must collect all three bags, which they will then assemble to create a miniature Gabonese hut. Actually, it's just the roof of a hut. The bottom part is already assembled. First person to do it wins immunity. Apparently, there will be no car challenges this year. Lame. The contestants hit the starting line, and we see a full-body shot of Bob and ... oh my. He is also rocking a loincloth, but it's even smaller than Matty's. Why, Bob? Why? Meanwhile, Susie chose the color black, and she's gothing it up something fierce! Probst calls go, and, awesomely, Susie is the first person to dig underneath the wall. The rest are soon to follow.
Matty tries to follow Bob, and then either pass him or knock him off the maze. Either way, it backfires horribly, as he falls off the maze, and if it was any taller or he any shorter, he might have lost the ability to father children. He has to go back to the beginning. I know Crystal isn't with us anymore, but can we take a second to imagine how she would have done in this challenge? I think she wouldn't have made it past the digging stage, and then said that she was digging as hard as she usually does but her sand was thicker. Susie continues her DOMINANCE of this challenge by being the first person through the first maze. Sugar and Ken totally copied her, so they follow her out. Sugar and Susie untie the knots at the door to enter the second maze. They're followed by Bob, Ken, and then Matty.
Matty gets the lead as he's the first person to get a bag of pieces and bring it to the finish line. Ken and Susie follow, with Bob and Sugar apparently close behind. Matty is the first person to come back with his second bag, again followed by Ken and Susie. I am so rooting for Susie to win this one. Sugar comes back with her second bag, and Bob is last up, having to pull himself up the ramp. Hmmm ... looks like he's finally feeling his age. Or maybe he's realizing how hard it is to run in a skirt.
Sugar is the first person to find a third bag, which Probst announces loudly to all the players, who will now no doubt make their way to her hut since they know it has pieces in it. Sugar is the first person to get all her pieces, and she starts her puzzle. Bob is close behind, and Matty and Ken soon arrive. Damn it! Where are you, Susie? Bob and Sugar are neck-and-neck with their puzzles, but it's Bob who finishes first, much to Probst's joy. As for Susie, she never even made it to the end. But she looked great not doing it! Probst gives Bob his necklace and reminds the others that one of them will be the to go. As they leave, Susie speaks up again (she must be going tonight to have gotten so much face time, right?) and says she wanted to win, but "wizard fantastic Bob" did instead.
The tribe returns to camp. Ken lies in the hammock and tells us that he's set up very well in this game, so he knows that Susie will be the to go, according to what Sugar said during their walk. He's not worried at all. Oh, I guess it won't be Susie leaving tonight, but Ken. Matty approaches Ken at the dock and says Sugar's going to tell Susie that she's going home , but not until the end of the day so she won't have time to scramble around and find a way to save herself. Matty reminds Ken that he's never written his name down. "Thanks," Ken says insincerely. Matty says he'd tell Ken if he was going to vote for him and wouldn't blindside him. Ken just says he really wants to go to the end. Yeah, Ken? When people come up to you -- especially people you just tried to vote off yourself -- and say they'd never blindside you or vote you out ... that means they're about to vote your ass out.
Matty then talks to Susie, who asks him what Ken said. She thinks Ken is plotting to take her out. She says no one ever tells her anything, and she's sick of being left in the dark. Matty says he doesn't know anything, so there's nothing to tell her. Susie's not stupid, so she tells us that no one is talking to her about what's going on tonight and that makes her feel vulnerable. She again appeals to Matty to tell her what's going on, but he just tells her to "do what you feel." He says alliances are off now that they're in the Final Five. You can't trust anyone. Susie tells us that she wants to believe that Matty is telling her the truth, but sometimes people tell the truth and sometimes they lie. Thank you, Susie Obvious.
Matty goes to Sugar and says that "no matter what" it's them until the end. Sugar agrees. Matty, you're an idiot. Sugar has turned on every alliance she's made in this game. Matty wants the final three to be him, Ken, and Sugar. Of course he does! That final three will win Matty a million dollars. He wants Susie to go home tonight. Sugar agrees. Susie will be . But, Sugar tells us, she's nervous keeping Ken around. So she heads to the hut and asks Bob who he wants to vote out tonight. We don't hear his answer. Sugar tells us that she has no allegiance with Susie, so it would be easy to vote her out. But Ken is dangerous to have around since he's so good at manipulating people and could turn Bob and Matty against her.
With that, they go to Tribal Council. Crystal's looking gorgeous, and winks and smiles at her former tribe mates, free of the bitterness that all those other assholes felt and continue to feel. Probst talks to Bob first, saying he's now tied for a record of consecutive wins in Survivor history. He's like the Katherine Hepburn of challenge wins! He asks Bob if that makes him a target. Bob says it sure as hell does, so he has to work harder and harder to win every challenge, or else he'll be voted out. Probst asks Matty if he admires Bob's greatness. Matty says that Bob is "money." It must be embarrassing to be a physical trainer and get beaten time after time by an old physics teacher. Probst asks Ken if it's frustrating to lose to Bob. Ken says that Bob is an outdoorsy guy and he isn't. He's also got thirty-five years on you, Ken. No excuses!
Probst asks Susie if she's worried that people have a reason to vote her out tonight. Susie says she waits for someone to come to her and tell her what's going on, because that's just a great way to play this game. She fully owns up to not being strategic or making any strategic moves while the asshole jury members laugh at her, as if their big strategic moves helped them out at all. Probst asks Ken if he feels like he's repaired any of the damage he's done over the past thirty-seven days. Ken thinks he has. Ken might want to say he hasn't so that the people who can vote him out don't think he's a jury threat. Probst brings up Ken's deal with Bob about the necklace, much to Bob's annoyance. This gives Ken the chance to say that Bob will back down on his deal, just like he did last time when he changed the terms of their agreement to be that he'd give Ken the necklace if he thought Ken was in trouble. Bob decides it's time to speak up and call Ken out like Ken's trying to call him out. He says that he felt like he had to back out of the deal because Ken was going to vote him out if he gave up the necklace. He says Ken was trying to take advantage of his good nature, and that changed things. Their deal was that if he helped Ken, Ken would help him, not if he helped Ken, Ken would stab him in the back. Oh, busted.
Probst gives Ken a chance to weasel his way out of this. Ken says that he didn't try to stab Bob in the back. If people couldn't vote for Ken because he had the necklace, then of course they'd have to vote for Bob instead. Bob laughs at this and gives an exaggerated "oh." The jury (except for Crystal), giggle like assholes. Shut up, jury. Ken says that Bob agreed to sacrifice himself for Ken, and that was their deal. Except he, Bob, the jury, and everyone watching at home know that's a load of bullshit. I mean, come on, Ken. Probst asks Ken if he wants the necklace to save himself, or just to make Bob uphold his end of the deal. Ken says he thinks he's safe tonight, and that Bob isn't holding up his end of the deal. Whatever. Probst asks Bob what he wants to do with his necklace. Of course, Bob wants to keep it. With that, it's time to vote.
Susie votes for Ken. Ken votes for Susie, telling her to be happy she got this far. That's all we see. I want Ken to go home tonight. I'm sick of hearing about his stupid deal with Bob. Probst returns with the urn. First vote: Ken. Second vote: Susie. Third vote: Ken. Fourth vote: Ken. Good. I liked him until he got all full of himself and annoying. Then the only use I had for him was that he'd protect Crystal from being voted out, but he couldn't even do that in the end. Probst extinguishes Ken's torch, and he waves good-bye to the others and tells them to have fun. Then he tries to enter the Konami Code (up down up down left right left right B A Select Start) to stay in the game with infinite lives, but it doesn't work. For his good-bye speech, he's forced to say that it's "game over" for him, and he thought he did extremely well in this game (I agree) and that he played a lot of people but ultimately got played himself. "They got me good," he says with a smile. Aw, now I like Ken again.
The morning, Sugar and Bob go out in the canoe. Matty and Susie hang out by the fire, and Matty says that Susie seems "super nervous" for the first time in this game. She says she is, because everything depends on who wins the immunity challenge today. Matty agrees. Susie obviouses that she has to win the challenge to stay in the game, but she's sure Bob will win it. She tells Matty that if she wins today, she'll vote Bob out. Duh. She tells us that Bob and Sugar both look confident, but she still has a chance, however slim, that she'll win it today.
Sugar and Bob return to the shore as Matty comes in with treemail. Oh, no. It's time for the stupid fallen comrades segment. They'll go to Exile "Island" (Sugar shows them the way) and collect masks from each comrade's torch. Then they'll burn them. Matty says he's happy to pay his respects to his competitors, who were all worthy people. Enh, not all.
First up is Michelle. Sugar looks confused as to who this is. Me too. Matty says she was strong. Michelle comes on screen and says this experience was harder than she thought it would be, and she was surprised that she wasn't stronger mentally. How about just nicer to people? In a season with Corinne and Randy, you're the only one who was voted off solely because of your bad attitude. Then there's Gillian, who never had a chance in this game. Susie says that Gillian was fun. Gillian says she learned that ... actually, I have no idea what she was talking about there. ! Bob says Paloma was sweet. Paloma says this game showed her that she take on anything. She just has to prounce over it. Yeah, like I was going to let Paloma go without bringing that up one last time.
Then there's Jacquie. Bob, who still has some red paint in his beard from yesterday's challenge, says Jacquie was a "nice kid" who should have lasted longer in this game, Matty. Jacquie claims that Survivor was the best experience of her life, which is tragic since she was only there for twelve days. She says she wants to live that freely for the rest of her life. I bet she lives in an apartment with a shower, though! up is GC. Who cares about him? I don't. Quitter. GC claims that being volunteered to be the leader by his tribe was important to him, but not really since he quit the day and then he quit the game. ! Ah, it's Kelly. Matty basically says that Kelly did much better in this game than she should have. Kelly says the game taught her so much. Except the meaning of the word "asset."
Oh, Ace. Sugar gets all sad and says she feels terrible about taking Ace out of the game because she was lied to. She sounds like she's crying, but the camera zooms in and there are no tears. "He was a shyster but he was cool," Matty says. Ace the prat says that it was hard to be so well-traveled and stuck with people who haven't gone anywhere. Fuck you, Ace. I saw the "places I've been" on your Myspace, and you really haven't been to all that many places. And when you travel on Daddy's dime and stay in the finest hotels or whatever you said in the beginning of this season, it's really not a mind-blowing cultural experience. And finally, at least the tired, poor, huddled masses of unraveled people you competed against can go to a bar without getting arrested. And then there's Dan. Bob says he had a heart of gold, and Matty says Dan wanted to find himself out here and he thinks he did. Dan says he's learned how to calm himself down, or something. Whatever. He's cuter than I remembered.
Marcus is . Sugar says she thought he'd be in the top three. So did he! Ha ha! Marcus says this game gave him an appreciation for the way the world works, and that you can make good choices and bad ones. Like throwing the immunity idol into the ocean and then getting voted out . Marcus claims that was a good decision, though, since he didn't want to be sneaky or double-cross people in this game. No, they were supposed to accept their fate to be voted out and not try to stop it or save themselves. You know what I want to know? I want to know if Marcus would have kept his promise to take Susie to the Final Three if she hadn't flipped on him. I bet he wouldn't have! Everyone loves Charlie, and I did too, until I saw him join his crappy friends at the Loser Lodge in ignoring Crystal. Grow a pair, Charles.
Randy's , and there's an awkward pause and no one knows a single nice thing to say about him. Bob finally comes up with the fact that you always knew where you stood with Randy. According to interviews, where Bob stands with Randy is he hopes he has a heart attack. Sugar blows a raspberry. She just can't let it go. Randy says that he was hated and liked by the same amount of people in this game, and he felt closer to people in this game than he has to anyone at home in years. Also, he is not a dumbass for falling for the fake idol. Everyone else is a dumbass. He concludes by saying that this game has shown him that it's okay to make friends and like people. Oh, dear. I think you're supposed to figure that out much earlier in life. Corinne is . No one knows what to say at first, as they can't think of anything positive. Susie finally comes up with the same thing Bob said about Randy. Corinne says she's always been the kind of person who says what's on her mind and doesn't have a filter. I think I tend to do that, too. Unlike Corinne, however, I am not proud of this fact and try hard to fix it and improve myself. After watching Corinne on my TV set, I'm going try even harder. Thanks for the life lesson, Corinne! Too bad you couldn't learn one yourself while you were at it, as she says she thinks it makes her endearing. "Just being nice isn't really a personality trait that I find interesting," she says; "anybody can be nice." And since Corinne can't be nice, that must make her a nobody.
Crystal's . "She was the muscle behind the mastermind," Matty says. No, she wasn't. That was the greatest thing about her. I am now convinced that I could beat Crystal in a foot race. Or in anything, really. Except awesomeness. Crystal says it's hard to know that she came so close without making it, and that "as a professional athlete" it's hard to lose. She says she failed, and that's been very humbling. She failed so many times, it must have been the most humbling thing ever. But she'll use that to improve as a person, while Corinne will stay proud of her faults and make the people around her miserable until they all go away. So in the end, Crystal hasn't failed. Ken's the last one up, and Matty says he was the most conniving player in this game, which is just sad if it were true. But it isn't, since I think Sugar has Ken beat. And no one knows it STILL! The cruel editors put the shot of Ken tripping over himself in his montage as he tells us that he thinks he grew as a person. He still hasn't cut his nails, though. Gross. He says he won more than a million dollars in that regard. I agree.
With that, the four make their way to the top of Bob's mountain, which he climbed when he was on Exile. There's a Gabonese tribe waiting for them in their bright red outfits that cannot possibly by authentic ceremonial wear. The contestants place everyone's masks into the fire. Bob looks sorry that he can't keep one behind to use for his fake idol. Then he makes everyone hold hands. Meanwhile, the Gabonese people are all like "this is really cheesy and dumb. Oh well, at least we're getting twenty bucks for it."
And now, the final immunity challenge! It ... sucks, actually. What happened to those awesome endurance challenges? Now we've got 200 tiles with which the contestants must build a ten-foot-high house of cards within a measly half hour. If no one manages to do that, immunity will go to whoever's is tallest when the time is up. And they've got examples of card towers off to the side to use as guides! I think Probst just doesn't want to sit through hours of an endurance challenge, so now they do this. I mean, thirty minutes? Are they running short on time in the shooting schedule or something? Bob sets about constructing a wide, stable base, because that's what Probst recommends. Sugar, on the other hand, is going for speed, and has a wobbly and thin -- but tall -- tower. And then there's Susie -- "making a lot of progress," Probst says. Unfortunately, the hot air flying out of his mouth hit Susie's tower and knocked it over. "Susie's house of cards collapses!" Probst says, and you know he's been waiting all challenge to say that. Probst then turns his breath of sabotage on Sugar, saying her tower is looking precarious. It collapses. Probst is thrilled, happily announcing that with Susie and Sugar starting over, Matty and Bob are still in this game. Except not so much Bob, as his tower, which is all of eight inches high, collapses.
Later on, Sugar has another tall, thin tower. It's hovering up at six feet, but it could fall over at any minute. Meanwhile, Bob is having a hard time getting anything going. And there's Susie, with a much sturdier tower than Sugar's that's at the five foot mark. Yes, SUSIE! THE CHALLENGE MONSTER! Probst decides that Sugar's tower has gotten tall enough and blows some hot air in its direction, announcing that it's up at six and a half feet. And there it goes. Probst also hates Susie, and knocks her tower over by saying it's just past the five foot mark. She's trying to put on some flying buttresses for support, but nothing can withstand Probst's wind bagging and the tower falls. And Bob's tower, which is like a foot high, also falls. No big loss.
More time passes. The contestants keep working on their towers, everyone using the same method every time except for Bob, who's still searching for the perfect card tower. He hasn't found it yet, so he's way at the bottom while Sugar, Matty, and Susie are all pretty high up. Sugar is in the lead at just under seven feet, but her tower is weak. But if she can keep it standing for five more minutes, she'll win, since that's all that's left in this stupid challenge. Couldn't they have made it, like, an hour long so as to give these guys a chance to build a ten-foot-high tower? This is so anti-climatic. Sugar's tower wobbles as she works on it, but somehow stays up, even though Probst tries his hardest to knock it over. Susie, meanwhile, up to just under eight feet. She's about to put more tiles on, but then looks around and realizes that she's in the lead and decides to stop. Smart, but it means that if she wins, it'll be because she didn't participate at the end, which is why this challenge is lame. Matty's is only at six feet, so he has to keep working, as does Sugar. With one minute left, Sugar and Matty are still trying to top Susie's tower. She's considering putting another tile on. Don't do it, Susie! She doesn't. Meanwhile, Sugar and Matty are both approaching Susie's tower height with just seconds to go. Bob's tower, such as it was, collapses. Then Sugar's goes as well. Matty's still in it, and Susie watches him build and prays as Probst counts down. And then ... SUSIE WINS! Hooray for Susie! By the way, it turns out that Susie has mad card house building skills. Growing up, her family didn't have much money for toys so they would build houses of cards every Sunday. No one else had a chance in this challenge. Probst puts the immunity necklace around Susie's neck and tells her she is guaranteed a spot in the Final Three, and won both the first individual challenge and the last. THAT'S RIGHT! CHALLENGE MONSTER! I always had faith in her. And unlike Crystal, she actually came through! Too bad there's no way she can win since she's been invisible all game and the editors would never edit the eventual winner out of the show like that. Probst sends everyone back, and Susie gives him a cute wink on her way out. Susie tells us that she was in shock that she won immunity, and knows that if she hadn't won it, she'd be going home tonight. "So now, I'm not going home until tomorrow," she says. Thank you, Susie. Sugar, on the other hand, is absolutely beside herself, saying they got rid of Ken because they thought there was no way Susie would win immunity in the final challenge. Oops! Too bad so sad! Being underestimated has gotten you through this game, Sugar. You should have known better than to underestimate someone else. Unless that person is Crystal.
Ridiculously tragic music plays as Nobag returns to camp. Oh good god, people, this isn't Sophie's Choice. Settle down with the epic score. Everyone assumes Bob is going home tonight and they apologize to him accordingly, except for Susie, who is so thrilled and surprised that she won that she can't help but say how thrilled and surprised she is. Bob and Matty embrace sadly while Sugar sobs in a corner. Can someone tell them that Bob isn't going off to die? He's actually going to brush his teeth and take a shower and eat and stuff. He'll be okay. "Susie won, and that means ... that means we have to vote for Bob!" Sugar sobs. Is it wrong that I laughed at their pain? I mean, I liked Bob and everything, but this is way over the top. Bob tells everyone that it was a good, fun game as the tragic music swells. Matty apologizes to Bob, saying he has to write his name down tonight. Whatever, Matty. You know you're secretly thrilled that the only person who could win a million dollars over you is going. Bob says it's okay, and it's just a game. And yet these people are acting like they are voting Bob into certain death.
Susie starts babbling because she's full of adrenaline and victory. She says she doubted herself, but you just have to tell yourself you can do it, and then you will. Bob doesn't want to hear this, because he told himself he could do it and it wasn't enough. Susie tells us she's thrilled to be in the Final Three after being underestimated, both in this game and, from the way she says it, in life. She keeps talking about how she visualized herself winning and then she did, and she's in shock, and she cannot read the room because everyone is obviously pissed off that she won and doesn't want to hear about her victory or share in her happiness. She then asks Bob if he thinks he would win a lot of jury votes if he were to go to the Final Three. Bob doesn't want to talk about this at all, since he thinks it's pretty much a done deal that he won't make the Final Three. He snaps at Susie that it's a moot point, so why ask? Turns out that it wasn't, as Susie tells us that she asked Bob that question to see if there was a way she could justify voting Sugar out and bringing Bob to the Final Three. Later, she's in the hut with Sugar, Bob, and Matty. She asks them if they were going to vote her out if they had won the challenge instead of her. Again, Bob asks if they can talk about something else since everyone knows he's going tonight and he doesn't want to hear about it over and over again. Susie tells us that when Bob snapped at her, she decided that his fate was sealed.
Bob leaves the hut, and Susie talks to Sugar and Matty about Bob's outburst. Sugar says Bob probably doesn't want to hear constant reminders about how he lost, and Matty tells her to stop talking about it. Susie says she talks too much, then proceeds to talk too much about how she talks too much. "You say everything that you're thinking," Sugar laughs. "That's not good," Susie says. YES, SUSIE! See, while Susie realizes that not having a filter is detrimental, Corinne thinks it's a plus. That's why Susie wins at life and Corinne doesn't. Sugar tells Susie to stop talking about how surprised and happy she is about her win when Bob is around. She can talk about it with Sugar and Matty, but not Bob.
Then Sugar's crying on a log and telling us that she really thought Bob was going to be in the Final Three. And maybe she can force a tie and that can still happen. Sugar goes to talk to Bob about voting for Matty tonight and making a 2-2 tie, leaving whoever is booted up to fate. Bob's eyes light up, and he says he'd appreciate that. Then he goes off to be alone. Sugar tells us that forcing a tie would give Bob a chance, but she also told Matty she'd never write his name down. Then again, Bob is a father figure to Sugar and that's a big deal since her father is currently at the bottom of Fang Lake. She says she feels like she has to choose between her father and her brother tonight.
Bob, meanwhile, is off practicing his fire-starting skills just in case there is a tie and the tie-breaker is a fire-starting competition. Either that, or he's gone crazy and is finally going to intentionally burn the camp down. Or maybe he's building a fake Tribal Council set in a last-ditch effort to save himself. He returns to camp and tells us that he doesn't know why Sugar's being so nice to him, but he's packing his bags and hoping for the best.
The four arrive at Tribal Council, and the jury is called in. Ken gives the people who blindsided him a nice, but sad, smile. Probst points out that Susie is wearing the immunity necklace, and you know that has to piss some (possibly all) members of the jury off. Good! Susie says she's proud of herself for getting here, and knew that if she didn't win today, she'd be out tonight. Probst then turns to Bob and says he is vulnerable for the first time in a while. Bob says he's feeling pretty uncomfortable, although that could just be because those Tribal Council log seats look painful to sit on. Even worse than cheap IKEA chairs. Probst feels the need to point out that Bob has four former tribe mates he's close to on the jury right now. Uh ... which four? Cause I don't know how much Randy likes Bob, considering he wanted him to die for giving him the fake idol and stuff. Also, way to point that out and give the other three more reason to vote Bob out, Probst. And finally, shut up, Probst. Bob says the fact that he probably has a majority of the jury's votes is why he's getting voted out tonight.
Probst asks Matty how the rest of the afternoon went when they returned to camp. Matty says there wasn't much scrambling back at camp, but there was some in his own head. That's the hamsters, Matty. The ones that run on the wheel that works your brain. He says that Sugar saved him by giving him the immunity idol, so there's no way he can vote her out tonight. Crystal makes an especially sassy look at the mention of her tragic ouster. Probst asks Bob about his choices tonight. Bob says Matty is probably his biggest threat when it comes to jury votes, so he's voting for him. Probst asks Sugar the same question. She says she knows she'll lose to Bob or Matty in the Final Three. At this, Corinne nods. I didn't know someone could nod in such a bitchy way, but Corinne did it. Sugar repeats that Matty is like a brother and Bob is like a dad, and she loves them both equally. At this, Corinne scowls and shakes her head, confused. Sugar is discussing human emotion and love, which is something Corinne has no concept of.
Probst asks Matty how it feels to hear that Sugar thinks of him like a brother. He says it feels good, and he thinks of her like a sister. Probst asks Bob the same thing, reminding us all that to be a father figure for Sugar, who just lost her dad, is significant. Bob says it feels good to make that kind of impression on Sugar, and that he is a father. He tries to say he's a damn good one, but starts to break down. Awww. "You're a good dad," Susie says. But she can't help but add that she was shocked to win the immunity necklace and Bob yells at her, thus ruining the moment. No, not really. "I'm a father, and I'm a damn good one. Because I had the best father anyone could have. He set a great example and I've tried to follow it," Bob says. Um, when did this become the Bob's dad show? Isn't it the Sugar's dad show? Way to steal Sugar's dad's thunder. Bob's dad.
Probst is loving all this emotional stuff, and tries to keep it going by asking Bob how Sugar must feel having to choose between her brother and her father. Bob says Sugar is in the cruelest situation she could be in, but that's where she is and she has to choose someone. She has to choose someone to win the fourth-place prize of $75,000 and go eat and take a shower and sleep in a nice, warm bed. TRAGEDY!!! With that, it's time to vote.
Matty votes for Bob and has nothing but kind words to say to him. Sugar's runny nose has got to look just awesome to those of you who are watching on your HDTVs. Bob votes for Matty. Probst tallies the votes and returns with the urn. First vote: Bob. Second vote: Bob. Third vote: Matty. And the fourth vote -- Sugar's vote -- is for Matty. It's a tie. Charlie is shocked. Marcus and Corinne are thrilled. But you know they'll never give credit for this to Sugar, who has once again masterminded a blindside. They'll probably find a way to hold it against her at the Final Tribal. The tiebreaker will be a fire-making challenge, just like Bob suspected. If Susie was competing, she would, of course, beat everyone. But it's just Bob and Matty this time. Unfortunately for Matty, he's never seen this show before and Sugar didn't give him a clue like she did Bob, and so he had no idea this was coming. I wonder who will win?
They take their spots behind fire-making stations and get started. Of course, Bob is ready for this, and scrapes together a little pile of magnesium before putting the kindling on. Probst points this out, like, way to give away Bob's strategy, Probst. Matty creates sparks, but no flames. Bob, meanwhile, gets a big fire started and starts putting the thicker pieces of wood on it. He gets a little too excited and puts too many on, and the fire goes out. Bob blows on it to try to revive it, while Matty keeps making spark after spark but still no flame. And then ... Bob gets his fire back. And this time, it's not going out. While the ridiculous epic movie music plays, Bob's fire grows stronger and bigger, up to the rope. There's a gross shot of Corinne resting her gross head on Charlie's shoulder and smiling like the Joker. Bob burns through the rope and wins it. Matty never even got a fire going. Which is good for Sugar, because he probably would have used his to burn her face off. Matty wanted to avoid going up against Bob in the end so badly that he didn't consider voting Sugar out tonight, and stupidly thought she felt the same way. He should have realized when Sugar kept him in the game and took out Crystal that she isn't playing to win.
While Bob breathes fifteen thousand sighs of relief, Matty hugs everyone and takes his torch to Probst. The epic music is so loud that it almost drowns Probst out when he extinguishes Matty's flame. Matty leaves, and that makes Susie, Bob, and Sugar our Final Three, and possibly the most unlikely Final Three this show has ever had. Probst says the power now shifts to the jury, and we cut to the jury, some of whom are looking very smug (Marcus, Corinne) for people who have to be jealous as hell as the three people seated before them.
For his farewell speech, Matty says he learned a lot about himself and he's grateful for the experience. Not grateful enough to have used it to learn how to make fire, but still.
It's a new day in Gabon, and we need lots of filler animal shots to pad this baby out to two hours. After, like, ten hours of that, we go to Camp Nobag, where the Final Three are marking off the last day in a long piece of wood full of notches. They count all thirty-nine days together. I know the segments with the Final Two or Three are anti-climatic, but this is seriously boring. Susie tells us that she can't believe she's still here, and it shows that you just have to keep trying. That sounds like something that would make for a crappy Final Tribal Council opening statement. She continues that she wanted her son to see that if you keep trying, you'll make it. "And I did, I'm here on Day 39! Is that crazy? It's insane," she says. Why couldn't we have seen more of Susie this season? Her hair always looks good and she's endearing. And she's in the top three! Have we ever had such an invisible finalist on this show before?
The last treemail is a breakfast feast, which is a relief to anyone who might have been worried about a Final Two twist like last season. Then again, since none of them watched last season, or any season (except Susie, who actually applied to be on this show), maybe not. Somehow, Sugar is immediately able to identify a big jug of what looks like milk as pancake batter, which means they have to cook their own breakfast after all this? Does the survival never stop? Although I guess it came with mimosas, so that's cool. Sugar tells us that she had something to do with everyone on the jury's ouster except for Marcus, so she's scared to face them tonight. She figures they all hate her, but maybe she'll get a vote or two. She's not counting on winning, and hasn't been for a while now. Is Sugar wearing makeup? She appears to have eye shadow on when she's eating breakfast. Perhaps Bob whipped some up for her.
After an unsuccessful attempt to dissolve a shot of a fried egg into a shot of the sun, it's time to burn down the huts and probably a good amount of Gabon's prized national park system, as Bob has loaded the hut up with as many flammable things as possible. Usually, I hate it when they burn everything down since it could have sold at an auction or whatever, but considering that most of the stuff that did make it back to the US from the set was confiscated by the Feds for being contaminated with all kinds of African horribleness and was probably going to spread Ebola across America and kill us all, it's okay this time. Bob tells us that all he has to do now is convince the jury that his behavior, work around camp, and participation in this game is worth a million dollars. Because that's the Survivor motto: outbehavior, outwork, and outparticipate. With that, the three burn the hell out of the hut. "That's how fast stuff comes and goes," Bob says. Yeah, tell that to Matty. They leave the hut burning behind them and set off for Tribal Council. Tragically, one hundred baby elephants and three thousand hippos were killed in a brush fire in Gabon that day.
And now it's time to hear from our jury and how much they're looking forward to treating the people who beat them fair and square like shit. Ken admits that Sugar played a good game, doesn't think Susie did, and is still sore at Bob about their immunity necklace deal. Ken, DROP IT. You aren't in the game anymore! You know the only reason why you wanted him to keep his promise was so you could stab him in the back, and he knew it, too. He made the only decision he could. You can be bitter about it when you're in the game to try to play it up for the jury just in case you go up against him in the end, but you are no longer in the game, so your failure to understand why Bob didn't want to sign his own death warrant makes no sense. up is Randy, who says he hates everyone, but then admits that Sugar made some good moves in this game. He's looking forward to telling Bob off. "It's simply an opportunity for revenge. Pure and simple: revenge." And in that vein, but infinitely less charming (and Randy wasn't charming in the slightest to begin with) Corinne says she's looking forward to having the chance to really speak her mind and tell her former tribemates off. Ugh. I've been dreading this jury since Marcus joined it. I don't like bitter juries, and this is bound to be one of the bitterest.
The Final Three arrive and the jury is brought in. I think Matty looked better with the beard. Now he looks like David Bowie at his most androgynous. Probst recites his little speech about how the jury now has the power, and there's Corinne with her smug smile as if being on the jury is somehow better than winning a million dollars or whatever the runner-ups get. It isn't!
Susie's opening statement is first. Uh oh -- she's going with her "I just wanted to try" theme. She says she was scared in the beginning with all the impressive people she was competing against, like Marcus the Doctor and Crystal the gold medalist. Huh ... so Susie knew that Crystal won a gold medal. I wonder how many other people did, and when during the game Susie found that out. I also wonder if Susie's relatively poor challenge performances (except, of course, for the TWO she WON) can be explained by her being unable to move at the shock of seeing gold medalist Crystal do so badly. Susie says she isn't afraid anymore, and thus she isn't afraid to stand here against Bob. Susie has either forgotten that Sugar is there, too, or doesn't consider her worthy of mention. Either way, burn! She says she feels confident now, and Probst totally winks at her. Probst loves Susie, which is weird since she was on the hated Fang tribe and she isn't an alpha male.
Bob's . He's going for the suck up approach, which is smart considering the people he's playing to and how full of themselves they are. He says he wanted to make everyone's life better around camp, and that he didn't outplay or outwit any of them, just outlasted. Ew. I wouldn't vote for him just for that. If you can't outplay or outwit me, then you don't deserve a million dollars. Probst does not wink at Bob.
Sugar is the last to go. She's not expecting to win, so she doesn't give a shit. She thinks she played a "perfect social game," which Corinne shakes her head at, of course. Because Corinne is an expert on human relations, so we should trust her opinion. Sugar continues that lying is part of this game and she's sorry for sacrificing "some innocents," although she doesn't sound very sorry. She reminds everyone that she found the immunity idol and kept it for the entire game, and never had one vote cast against her. Which is, honestly, impressive. She says she never really had any alliances because she went from tribe to tribe and spent all that time on Exile. I think Ken and Crystal might disagree with that. And Matty. And Ace. Except he isn't on the jury since Sugar booted his ass out before the merge, ha ha! Sugar then says that she voted to keep Bob in the Final Three because she thought he deserved to be there, the implication being that Matty doesn't. So there goes his vote.
Charlie is the first to speak. Couldn't they have made the jury seats easier for people to get in and out of? People on the top row have to jump through or climb over the bottom row. That's cumbersome. Charlie asks Susie and Sugar why they deserve his vote after being voted at the bottom or second to the bottom of their tribes on Day 9. Uh ... because those votes were clearly based on physicality and that's not what wins this game? Susie talks about the meaning of trying and teaching that lesson to her son again. I think she really means to say "don't give up." That might have worked better than this trying BS. Sugar, again, doesn't care about winning and possibly had way too many mimosas, so she just says "I don't know" and that Charlie doesn't have to vote for her, but she'd like it if he did. As for Bob, Charlie asks him about their "intimate cuddling" and "spooning all night long," and if Bob found it more enjoyable than he'd like to admit. Um ... only Natalie can get away with jury questions like that, and that's only because she's crazy. You are not Natalie, Charlie. Shut up. Bob says Charlie was "nice and warm at night. I don't give a hoot." Those of us who do give a hoot, of course, don't pollute.
Crystal is up . She accuses Susie of being a "coattail rider," as if Crystal herself wasn't one, according to her own definition. The only time either of them really made a proactive move in this game was when Crystal convinced Susie to vote Marcus out. Other than that, Crystal had it pretty good and safe for the most part on Fang while Susie was always in danger of being voted out of Kota. Crystal accuses Bob of letting Sugar "control him like a race car" throughout this game. She asks him for something that he did that Sugar didn't tell him to. Bob can't think of anything, and proudly says he rode coattails and never had to do anything beyond that. Except use Sugar's father issues to keep himself in the game! Don't forget that! And don't put it past him, either! He saw his opening and he went for it! As for Sugar, Crystal wants to know why Sugar went back on their alliance and voted her out, since Crystal never lied to her. It sounds more like hurt feelings than sour grapes. And Sugar's going to keep on hurting those feelings, as she says that she personally doesn't have any problems with the way Crystal "talks" and "treats people," but Crystal was a bully to others, and even though it was better for Sugar to go to the end with Crystal and Ken, she went with her heart instead and kept Bob. Why do I keep hearing about Crystal's meanness and bad way of talking to people and yet I see no evidence of it? Crystal sits down with a smile on her face, both gracious and graceful.
Ken asks Susie why she deserves his vote and the million dollar prize. Susie doesn't have much of an answer except that she's an average housewife. I'm sure Ken can relate to that. Ken turns to Sugar and says he trusted her and opened up his heart to her, only for her to scar him with her betrayal. Now he'll never be able to trust women! Didn't Erik pull this last season? And it was just as stupid then. Ken wants to know why Sugar stabbed him in the back. Sugar's eyes well with tears, of course. She says she had an alliance with Matty and Bob along with her alliance with Ken, and she thought he was a bigger threat than Susie. So, basically, she's saying that if she had to do it over again, she would've kept Ken in until the Final Four instead of the Final Five. That's not exactly the Final Three, is it? Ken doesn't believe Sugar, but she says she's telling the truth and I think she actually is. Ken's last question is for Bob and, of course, it's about their stupid necklace deal. Bob says he intended to give Ken the necklace until he found out that Ken was planning to vote him out. Then, he says, Ken became "the enemy." "That was not what I wanted to hear from you, Bob," Ken says, cutting him off. Bob's confused, since he gave a pretty good answer and it was the truth. I'm not sure why Ken can't see it or what answer he did want, but whatever. Bob's not here to get Ken's vote anyway.
And now, Corinne and her shockingly terrible boob job. I don't even want to give her the honor of a recap of her comments but I think I have to, so here goes. She tells Susie she'll vote for her if Susie agrees to use the money to cut out her vocal cords. If she thought that was a stinging insult, she was wrong, as Susie just laughs, not bothered, and says no. At first, I was disappointed that she didn't just say yes and force Corinne to vote for her, but then I realized that all that would have done is lead to Corinne voting for Bob anyway and saying all this annoying bitter stuff about playing Susie and getting her hopes up for a vote she wasn't going to get. Corinne basically tells Bob that she's going to vote for him, but wants to see his nasty side after thirty-nine days of only seeing his nice side. It hasn't occurred to Corinne that Bob might not have a nasty side because Corinne can't fathom someone not being a bitter nasty ugly twisted shell of a person underneath it all. She wants him to make her believe he doesn't like Sugar. Bob doesn't exactly say that, just repeats what he's already said about how he didn't like when Sugar laughed at Randy for playing the fake idol that Bob made in the first place. Bob starts to say something nice about Sugar, but Corinne tells him to stop. He does. I hope Sugar's future father figures don't sell her out like Bob did.
Corinne turns to Sugar and calls her an "unemployed, uneducated leech on society." Eh, whatever. Sugar said worse when she voted Corinne out. And what Sugar said was actually true. But then it continues: "and the only thing I would vote to give you is a handful of anti-depressants so no one else has to be subjected to your constant crying anymore." And it should have ended there, but Corinne proudly has no filter, so there's this: "and maybe if you got some then it would seem a little more sincere when you are crying about your dead father." Sugar flips her off. Corinne got off easy. What was she thinking when she said that? Because she was clearly thinking as that entire speech was super-rehearsed and you know she's been practicing it in her mirror every day when she goes to check in on how beautiful she thinks she is. Was she thinking it would drive Sugar to violence and get her kicked out of the game? Was she thinking America would watch that at home and go "wow, Corinne is awesome! Doubting a fellow contestant's grief over her dead father, oh snap! We love you, Corinne! Your nastiness is so endearing!" Was she hoping that Sugar was making up her dead father and this would show America that Corinne was too smart to fall for it? Because -- oops! -- she wasn't making it up and now Sugar looks sympathetic and Corinne looks like the ultimate cunt. And not in a good way, or a love-hate way. Just a "please get off my TV screen and never come back and preferably fall off the face of the planet" way. And before you start smirking over there, Randy, how would you like it if someone made fun of you for being sad about your dead dog? That died five years ago? Shut up. Unlike Corinne, Sugar does have a filter and some maturity, so she doesn't say much back besides the flip-off, which is lucky for Corinne because Sugar could have probably ripped her ass apart with her response. Sugar is self-confident and comfortable with her life, while Corinne is a festering hole of insecurity and possibly evil. And after all that effort, she still won't top Sue's pee on a snake speech from the first season.
Here comes Marcus. "As you know, I'm a physician," he starts. Probst snickers. Ha! You know he had some side bet with the crew over how many times Marcus would mention his lauded profession. Anyway, as a PHYSICIAN, Marcus sees people everyday who are the victims of bad choices. As opposed to the rest of us with non-PHYSICIAN jobs who have no experience with people who make bad choices. For instance, as a recapper of this show, I did not see when Marcus made the bad choice of throwing the immunity idol away. With Marcus's line of work established, he tells Susie that she came on this show as a mother and an educator (um, and a hair dresser. Read the text on the screen, chumpo), so he's surprised that she would turn her back on her obligation to be a positive role model in this game. Surely he's talking about all the weed she smoked, but since the viewers at home didn't see that, it makes it sound like Marcus thinks that Susie's decision to side with an alliance that valued her contributions and wouldn't turn on her as soon as possible over the Onions is somehow bad and wrong. Oh, but Marcus isn't talking about the game of Survivor -- he's talking about "the biggest game of all -- and that's Life." It would appear that Susie totally pulled the move I always pulled when playing Life, which is to cheat so that she landed on all the squares on the board that gave you kids. One time, I had to get two extra cars to hold all my children! Oh wait -- it would seem that Marcus is not talking about the popular board game, but about actual life. What a douche. And if he expected Susie to break down in tears in remorse over setting her a bad example for her son, he must be disappointed because the smile doesn't even fade from her face.
Marcus turns to Sugar and says he's "assuming" that her father is dead. How nice of him. Sugar says that her father truly is dead. Corinne smiles. Just remember, Corinne: your father is going to die one day, too. And no one is going to make fun of you for it, not like you'd care if they did since you probably don't love your own father. That would require you to possess feelings such as love. Marcus says that he, too, has lost someone close to him. Except he's probably talking about his friendship with Kenny Cox. Not the same, Marcus. He wants to know if Sugar will donate part of her winnings to honor her father's memory the way he would have done if he had won the million. Which is easy for him to say since he didn't, and he's a PHYSICIAN so he doesn't need the million-dollar prize as much as Sugar might. Sugar says she never considered actually winning, but if she did, she'd put some money towards lung cancer, because that's what her father died from. Meanwhile Corinne is no doubt sitting back there thinking that this is the funniest show she's ever seen.
Marcus turns to Bob and basically says that he, Charlie, and Corinne are voting for him tonight, so he wants to know one time when Bob was responsible for his decisions in the game. Bob says he never had to take control of anything in this game, because the decisions that were made for him were just fine. Pretty much.
And now, Randy. He asks Susie to "elaborate" on why she felt sorry for him, and then helpfully explains what elaborate means just in case she doesn't know. Oh, what an insult! Assuming Susie doesn't know what a four-syllable word means! They'll be talking about this one at the water cooler tomorrow. Susie says that Randy struck her as someone who is sad inside, and she wishes she knew how to help him. If that offended him, she's sorry. That wasn't how it was meant. Susie might also want to give him some free hair advice and say that gray hair doesn't work in a mohawk. Randy turns to Sugar and asks her why she rolled around in the dirt laughing at him after he was voted out and made herself look like a jackass. I think the answer to that is pretty obvious, and gives Sugar the chance to say that Randy did a good job of making himself look like a jackass. Randy can't believe that's all she has to say, so Sugar gives him some more: "you were a jerk. You were a jerk the whole time. Sorry." And what more does he want? He was a jerk. He knows it. He's proud of it. Why shouldn't someone else say it? Randy tries to tell Sugar that she's as much of a loser in this game as he is. Sugar doesn't care, because she's looking at third place minimum and Randy got eighth. Do the math. Randy asks Bob why he took part in the fake idol plot. Bob doesn't have much to say for himself. Unlike Sugar, he doesn't take ownership over what he did and says it was strategic. Randy says it clearly wasn't, since they had the votes to get rid of him no matter what. He begs Bob to give him a reason, since if he doesn't he'll have to vote for Susie, because she was the only person who didn't laugh at him. Bob just says he didn't mean to embarrass Randy and was outraged at Sugar's reaction to his boot and told her so later in camp. Sugar nods, totally backing Bob up as he lists off her character flaws.
Matty is the last to go. Losing the beard has somehow made his voice higher and accentuates his non-existent lips. He asks Susie why Bob and Sugar deserve the money less than she does. Susie says she has faults of her own, like talking too much and not keeping her promises. "But I know this is a game," she adds. The jury laughs at this, although I'm not sure why. Wasn't that a big dig at Marcus, who doesn't know this is a game? Susie says she was disgusted with Sugar about what she did to Randy, because even though he can be "harsh," she still doesn't think he deserved to be humiliated like that. I do! As for Bob, she thought he should have been nicer to her after she won the last immunity challenge, just like she was happy for when other people won their challenges, and would have been happy for Crystal if she had ever come close to winning. Matty asks Sugar to tell them something she did in the game that was "evil." Too bad that Corinne set the bar so high on evil, because it just makes Sugar's answer of hurting Ken look not so bad. Matty was apparently looking for something else, but Sugar doesn't give it to him, so he moves onto Bob, asking him why Susie and Sugar are more deserving of the million dollars than he is. "I don't think they are," Bob says. That could have been said more diplomatically. Like, "at this point in the game and while I'm sitting here answering these questions, I can't afford to think that I'm not the most deserving player." Because when it comes to who played this game the best, he's not the most deserving player. Sugar is. Sugar played this game better than anyone else. She played it so well that she got bored and decided to keep playing and put likable people in the Final Three instead of people she had a chance to beat. Which kind of ruined things, but whatever.
And that's it. Probst reminds the jury that they're about to cast a million-dollar vote, and Marcus smiles at the power this somehow implies. They all take a commercial break to consider their vote. By the way, what's with all of the out of focus shots of jury members? If you don't get the shot, don't put it in the show. And then hire a crew that will get the shot season. With that, it's time to vote.
Matty votes for Susie, saying they were friends in the beginning and they're friends at the end. Yes, they were friends this whole time except for when he was trying to vote her out.
Corinne votes for Bob, of course, saying he did an awesome job surviving out here, but she has no idea how he survives in real life. Uh ... quite well, actually, Corinne. Unlike, you know, you, he has a job and a spouse and children and love. Also, Corinne marks her vote with a triangle with a K in the center and Marcus, Charlie, and her initials in the corners to show that they all voted together. Yeah, no shit. Sugar knew you would. Everyone did. Sugar knew it, and kept Bob in the game anyway. You owe the fact that you can vote for Bob to Sugar. And why are they allowed to vote in a block like this? Like, to the extent that they created little voting logos? Can we take some measures to prevent this from happening in on future seasons, please? We don't see Randy's vote, but he loudly shouts "all three of you, kiss my ass!" when holding it up. The "ass" part is censored, of course. If they weren't going to show "Ace-hole," then they weren't going to let us hear someone say "ass." Because Randy did not follow that up with a joke about Sugar's dead dad, everyone laughs. Randy thinks he's cool, but he's really just following the trend set by Crystal. We don't see who Ken votes for, but he labors over the decision, pacing around the booth before casting his vote.
Probst collects the urn and teleports to Los Angeles and the live reunion show (except not so live for me, as I'm on the West Coast). The Final Three are looking good, with Susie sporting glasses, Bob still rocking the beard and a bowtie (but with tragically bad hair), and Sugar showing us all why she's a pin-up model. She looks great! Unlike last season, when Amanda and Parvati got back home and put on way too much makeup and looked awful. Anyway, Sugar is cool, calm, and collected because she knows she has no hope of winning. Susie has been given terrible lighting, and Bob looks like he's going to crap his pants.
Probst reads the votes. One vote for Bob. The crowd goes wild. One vote for Susie. The crowd goes slightly less wild, but still wild. There's a second vote for Susie, cast in Ken's unique handwriting. Susie looks confused and reassures Bob that he will win. There's a third vote for Susie, and she shakes her head and tries not to be hopeful. There's no way you won, Susie. They edited you out of the entire show! Bob gets second vote and a third. Two of the Bob votes had a Kota Triangle on them, and there's one vote left, so I think we can all guess who it's for. Probst says that if it's for Sugar, they'll have a tie. But we won't, because there's one stupid Kota triangle vote left, and it's for Bob. Bob runs off the stage and hugs his family. Meanwhile, Randy decides to shout "kiss my ass!" again and his mic is loud enough for it to make it on TV. The censors try to bleep him out, but totally miss. So we all hear him say "kiss my ass" and then there's a few seconds of no sound at all, which only brings more attention to the kiss my ass. Ha ha ha! Randy's kiss my ass got in the show after all. As Probst plays us out to the reunion show, saying that Bob is the oldest and one of the most well-liked winners in this show's history, Susie totally makes Randy hug her. And that's it for this season except for the reunion show! Sugar deserved to win, but chose to basically hand it to Bob, so there you go. She's an actress and she played the game that way. If you don't like it, complain to the people who keep recruiting pretty model/actors over actual applicants.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com, especially if your name is Crystal. Crystal rules.