Episode Report Card Sara M: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Elephant Dung: A Love/Hate Story
By Sara M | Season 17 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.25.2008
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Survivor is back and in HD, all the better to see the many shots of random hippos with! 18 contestants are divided into two teams based on the age-old schoolyard pick method, then sent on a race for the individual immunity idol. But this time there's a catch: not only does the end of the race have the idol, but there's also a bag of corn and beans in it for the first team to get all members across. So players have to decide whether they want to work together and not go for the idol or be selfish and race for immunity.
Crystal, who won an Olympic gold medal four years ago for running, sucks out loud in the race, as does her team, Fang (pronounced Fong, or, alternately, Thong), which Probst takes great care to mention over and over again. The teams make their way to their new camps, where they find some cushy accommodations -- ramshackle huts -- and make friends. Except for Michelle, who hates everyone on the Fang tribe because they picked her last and are all "retarded." It's all sunshine and happiness at the other tribe, Kota, where Charlie has fallen in love with Marcus the most perfect man in the world. He's a doctor, he's open-minded, he's fit, he's attractive -- he's perfect! But not for Charlie, because he's straight.
Fang hopes to redeem their first loss at the immunity/fire challenge, but get stuck digging for puzzle pieces while Kota wins another one with the help of Bob the Most Amazing Physics Teacher Ever. At Fang's camp, it looks like the votes will come down to Michelle the Negative Nancy who openly hates everyone or Gillian, who's old. In the end, it's no contest: Michelle is voted out unanimously. And in other news, Probst basically forces the tribe to make GC their new leader. He doesn't want the position, but gives it a try until the next morning when Gillian objects to him washing his clothes in the middle of the night and waking her up. Then he quits as the tribe leader, and no one wants to step up to take his place.
At Kota, Marcus and Charlie extend their alliance to include Corinne and Jacquie, whoever they are. Really, it's all about Fang, who lose their third challenge in a row, giving Kota a fishing kit that they immediately use to catch thousands of fish. Oh, they also sent Fang's Dan to Exile Island, where he's given a choice between a comfortable shack and an apple or the immunity idol clue. He chooses the clue but can't even find the next one, let alone the idol. When he returns to Fang, he acts suspicious and people start to wonder if they should vote him out next to flush the idol out. Others, like Randy, want Gillian out at all costs. At Tribal Council, Dan tries to prove he doesn't have the idol by emptying out his bag. No one votes for him. Gillian votes for Ken the "professional video game player." Everyone else votes for Gillian. Apparently, a positive attitude can save you from one tribal council, but two is pushing it.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Survivor is back and it's "like you've never seen it." Except not for me since I don't have an HDTV because 1.) I'm poor, and 2.) I think they're a little bit too sharp. I watched the Olympics on an HDTV and was disturbed to see the female divers' armpit stubble, so I can't imagine how horrifying some of these contestants are going to look in a few episodes. But have fun with that, HDTV people! There's the obligatory shots of African wildlife while the Survivor Look At The Exoticness And Grand Majesty Of Our Location Orchestra plays. Then Probst steps in front of the camera -- oh, wait, I'm sorry, that was a gorilla. Ah, there he is! No, my mistake again -- that's a chimpanzee. Ah, there's Probst! Standing in the most dangerous-appearing location he could find: the edge of a cliff. He introduces us to Gabon (pronounced Gah-BONE hee hee hee), which he claims is untouched, so maybe they won't be filming in peoples' backyards like they have in previous seasons. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. With that, a helicopter flies over the untouched wilderness and films it while probably leaking fuel into the waters, thereby polluting them and killing off the wildlife. Whoops! Probst says 18 Americans have been flown here (so helpfully illustrated with a graphic of a map and a line tracing a route from "USA" to "Africa" that The Amazing Race puts to shame on a weekly basis) in nothing but their street clothes. We see our 18 dopes as they're led across a field by two Africans in "traditional tribal gear" because Survivor is obsessed with preserving the illusion that its contestants are in places so remote that the people who live there have never seen electronics or blue jeans and wear loincloths and wooden shields every day. Not that that's any better than what our contestants are wearing, as several men are wearing suits, which is great survival gear. And I see at least one woman with a tube top dress, which is freaking stupid. Haven't these people seen enough of this show to know that there's a very good possibility that they're going to be dropped in the middle of nowhere with the clothes on their backs and little else, so they'd better dress practically? Actually, I have a feeling that the contestants don't really get to pick out the clothes they show up in anymore.
Anyway! The first contestant we meet is Crystal, a 2004 Olympic gold medalist in "the women's 4x400 relay." I love how she felt the need to tell us she participated in the women's event. She thinks her "blazing speed" will help her win "the hell" out of this game. A pointdexter-looking guy wearing a bowtie tells us he's a high school physics teacher, which I could have guessed just by looking at him. Do all physics teachers have to resemble Bill Nye? Because Bob does and so did my own physics teacher. Weird. GC feels the need to tell me his whole life story. He was a troubled teenager but he's turned things around and is thrilled to have the chance to win a million dollars. And here's a bald guy named Ace: "I'm from America, but I grew up very well." Apparently, those two things are mutually exclusive. "Going to different countries, flying on Concordes and being in the best hotels -- with money," he finishes. Hey, I wonder if this guy is rich? It's hard to tell. One thing's for sure: he's a prat with a fake English accent.
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