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Survivor is back and in HD, all the better to see the many shots of random hippos with! 18 contestants are divided into two teams based on the age-old schoolyard pick method, then sent on a race for the individual immunity idol. But this time there's a catch: not only does the end of the race have the idol, but there's also a bag of corn and beans in it for the first team to get all members across. So players have to decide whether they want to work together and not go for the idol or be selfish and race for immunity.
Crystal, who won an Olympic gold medal four years ago for running, sucks out loud in the race, as does her team, Fang (pronounced Fong, or, alternately, Thong), which Probst takes great care to mention over and over again. The teams make their way to their new camps, where they find some cushy accommodations -- ramshackle huts -- and make friends. Except for Michelle, who hates everyone on the Fang tribe because they picked her last and are all "retarded." It's all sunshine and happiness at the other tribe, Kota, where Charlie has fallen in love with Marcus the most perfect man in the world. He's a doctor, he's open-minded, he's fit, he's attractive -- he's perfect! But not for Charlie, because he's straight.
Fang hopes to redeem their first loss at the immunity/fire challenge, but get stuck digging for puzzle pieces while Kota wins another one with the help of Bob the Most Amazing Physics Teacher Ever. At Fang's camp, it looks like the votes will come down to Michelle the Negative Nancy who openly hates everyone or Gillian, who's old. In the end, it's no contest: Michelle is voted out unanimously. And in other news, Probst basically forces the tribe to make GC their new leader. He doesn't want the position, but gives it a try until the morning when Gillian objects to him washing his clothes in the middle of the night and waking her up. Then he quits as the tribe leader, and no one wants to step up to take his place.
At Kota, Marcus and Charlie extend their alliance to include Corinne and Jacquie, whoever they are. Really, it's all about Fang, who lose their third challenge in a row, giving Kota a fishing kit that they immediately use to catch thousands of fish. Oh, they also sent Fang's Dan to Exile Island, where he's given a choice between a comfortable shack and an apple or the immunity idol clue. He chooses the clue but can't even find the one, let alone the idol. When he returns to Fang, he acts suspicious and people start to wonder if they should vote him out to flush the idol out. Others, like Randy, want Gillian out at all costs. At Tribal Council, Dan tries to prove he doesn't have the idol by emptying out his bag. No one votes for him. Gillian votes for Ken the "professional video game player." Everyone else votes for Gillian. Apparently, a positive attitude can save you from one tribal council, but two is pushing it.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Survivor is back and it's "like you've never seen it." Except not for me since I don't have an HDTV because 1.) I'm poor, and 2.) I think they're a little bit too sharp. I watched the Olympics on an HDTV and was disturbed to see the female divers' armpit stubble, so I can't imagine how horrifying some of these contestants are going to look in a few episodes. But have fun with that, HDTV people! There's the obligatory shots of African wildlife while the Survivor Look At The Exoticness And Grand Majesty Of Our Location Orchestra plays. Then Probst steps in front of the camera -- oh, wait, I'm sorry, that was a gorilla. Ah, there he is! No, my mistake again -- that's a chimpanzee. Ah, there's Probst! Standing in the most dangerous-appearing location he could find: the edge of a cliff. He introduces us to Gabon (pronounced Gah-BONE hee hee hee), which he claims is untouched, so maybe they won't be filming in peoples' backyards like they have in seasons. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. With that, a helicopter flies over the untouched wilderness and films it while probably leaking fuel into the waters, thereby polluting them and killing off the wildlife. Whoops! Probst says 18 Americans have been flown here (so helpfully illustrated with a graphic of a map and a line tracing a route from "USA" to "Africa" that The Amazing Race puts to shame on a weekly basis) in nothing but their street clothes. We see our 18 dopes as they're led across a field by two Africans in "traditional tribal gear" because Survivor is obsessed with preserving the illusion that its contestants are in places so remote that the people who live there have never seen electronics or blue jeans and wear loincloths and wooden shields every day. Not that that's any better than what our contestants are wearing, as several men are wearing suits, which is great survival gear. And I see at least one woman with a tube top dress, which is freaking stupid. Haven't these people seen enough of this show to know that there's a very good possibility that they're going to be dropped in the middle of nowhere with the clothes on their backs and little else, so they'd better dress practically? Actually, I have a feeling that the contestants don't really get to pick out the clothes they show up in anymore.
Anyway! The first contestant we meet is Crystal, a 2004 Olympic gold medalist in "the women's 4x400 relay." I love how she felt the need to tell us she participated in the women's event. She thinks her "blazing speed" will help her win "the hell" out of this game. A pointdexter-looking guy wearing a bowtie tells us he's a high school physics teacher, which I could have guessed just by looking at him. Do all physics teachers have to resemble Bill Nye? Because Bob does and so did my own physics teacher. Weird. GC feels the need to tell me his whole life story. He was a troubled teenager but he's turned things around and is thrilled to have the chance to win a million dollars. And here's a bald guy named Ace: "I'm from America, but I grew up very well." Apparently, those two things are mutually exclusive. "Going to different countries, flying on Concordes and being in the best hotels -- with money," he finishes. Hey, I wonder if this guy is rich? It's hard to tell. One thing's for sure: he's a prat with a fake English accent.
With that, the "natives" stop and point the contestants onward, one of them doing so with such force that it causes a musical flourish. Probst narrates that our players will be forced to work together and adapt, etc. etc. same speech every season. The producers pay Matty $50 to repeat the tagline about Gabon being "Earth's last Eden," which it totally isn't in my opinion because I saw shots of alligators and my idea of Eden includes no animals that could eat me, not to mention the fact that you have to have like 20 shots before you come to this "Eden" in order to prevent catching a variety of terrifying diseases. Anyway, take it away, Probst! "39 days, 18 people, 1 Survivor!"
I have to admit that I do love the theme song and the new variations on it that are introduced every season. This one has African singers. At the end, someone appears to be peeing on the Survivor: Gabon logo, which is just rude.
During the theme song, Probst climbed down from his mountaintop lair and is on the field to greet the new players. They make their way to King Probst as cutaway shots to an elephant and its baby (cute!) try to make us think that they're close to wildlife. Probst welcomes them with "welcome to Survivor: Gabon. Earth's. Last. Eden." They are in love with that tagline, aren't they? Time for introductions! GC introduces himself as "Danny" even though the opening credits said his name was GC. I don't understand. Danny doesn't have a G or a C in it. Anyway, he's a maintenance supervisor. There's Bob the physics teacher. Jacquie sells "medical devices" (which could be anything from MRIs to enemas) and spells her name like someone who wishes she was important and special. Ken claims to be a professional video game player and a college student. He's also a giant nerd. He claims to be "number one in the world at videogames" (specifically Super Smash Brothers, a game that requires no skill whatsoever. You mash buttons together and hope you don't randomly fall off a cliff. That's it.) and says he's a "huge-time strategist." Unfortunately for him, Survivor involves things like fresh air, physical ability, and human contact. Thus, he knows he's an underdog. And here's Marcus, who's a bit of a mystery man in that he will only say he's "in the medical field." He also says it's good to see Probst because he thinks sucking up will get him somewhere in this game. It won't. Probst hates all the new players, and he hates you. Charlie is a "management consultant" even though his graphic will later say he's a lawyer. Matty is a personal trainer. His bio says he managed to blow through a huge trust fund his grandparents left him by partying, so he's not much better than Ace. At least he doesn't have a fake accent. Susie is a part-time hairdresser AND (she's the one who emphasized the "and," not me) a mom and a wife. Paloma is a student and either a surfer or a server. One thing she isn't is articulate. She's also wearing a tube top dress, which makes her a moron. Seriously, if I showed up to this show and they told me I'd have to wear a tube top dress for up to thirty-nine days, I'd totally quit. One million dollars is not worth being so uncomfortable. I still get the shivers thinking of that woman in the Pearl Islands season who had to wear a dress and a thong for three days until she was mercifully voted out.
Randy is a videographer and looks to be our way-too-intense old guy for this season. He tells us that although he edits wedding videos, he's not a big fan of marriage and had better win the million dollars because I can't see many more jobs coming his way now that this has been shown to a national audience. Ace claims to be a photographer although I think it's more like he takes a few pictures with the ridiculously expensive camera his parents bought him, doesn't sell any, and then lives off of their money. I think this even though his bio claims he hasn't taken a penny from his parents since he was 18. The guy has worked a string of odd jobs I'm sure his parents got him with their connections, like selling Porsches. He doesn't know anything about the value of money or working to earn it. Crystal claims to be a preschool teacher and a full-time mom, so take THAT, Susie! She doesn't see the need to reveal that she's an Olympic gold medalist at this particular time but her name graphic calls her an "Olympic Champion," so take THAT, Crystal's kid! Olympic champion > Mom. I have a feeling her fellow contestants are going to figure out something's up during the first physical event when she breezes past everyone including the male models. And here's Kelly, an assistant manager/buyer "for one of the high-end retail stores ... in Chicago." Fall into The Gap, Kelly. And there's Corinne, our obligatory pharmaceutical sales rep. I hate pharmaceutical sales reps. I think they are the face of evil with their little suitcases on wheels and their tablet PCs and their bribing doctors to prescribe their product made by a company that will put all the time, effort, and money in the world into developing a hard penis pill while people are still dying from cancer. And Corinne is your typical pharmaceutical sales rep, as she says she'll say hi to everyone's faces, but she's ready to be a total bitch and hurt feelings and laugh in crying people's faces. "And I'm gonna OWN it!" she says. The ones who talk the toughest are the ones who fall first. Let us all remember Natalie last season, who waited until she had silently advanced far into the game before revealing her true nature, to both her fellow contestants and the camera.
Dan was a lawyer for five years but is now "finding [him]self," a.k.a. unemployed and directionless. Probst can't let that one slide: "you're gonna have thirty-nine days to find yourself out here -- if you're lucky," he says. Dan giggles. Michelle says she "work[s] in film" and "help[s] music supervisors and editors." So, she's a PA. No shame in that, Michelle, but just admit it. I was a PA once, and I was proud. Not necessarily of the movie that came out of my hard work, but of the work itself. Sugar, which can't be her real name, is a "retro pin-up model." Ah -- I see from her bio that her real name is in fact Jessica. If I had to introduce myself as a "retro pin-up model," I probably wouldn't want to use my real name, either. I'd definitely think of something cooler and less generic than Sugar, though. Like NO FEAR. That would be a bad-ass pin-up girl nickname. Gillian is a wife, mother, grandmother of four and a nurse. And she said the wife/mother stuff before her job, so take THAT, Susie and Crystal. Ace laughs at this because it's funny when people have to work for a living. Gillian also has an accent that I couldn't quite place so I looked it up. She's originally from South Africa. I'm always suspicious of South Africans over a certain age because of their country's history of racism, but Gillian's been in America for a long time so I'm going to assume that she's cool and does not support apartheid. At least her accent is genuine.
Probst says that in the entire country of Gabon, the elders typically make the decisions. Bob and Gillian know what's coming and nod their arthritis-riddled necks. Just so you all know, these days Gabon is a democratic country with elections and everything. Unlike Probst would have us believe, it is not run by a sitting council of old people. Or if it is, they were elected to the position first. Bob steps forward and says he's 57. Gillian doesn't say how old she is, but steps forward and no one argues with her. They stand on opposing mats and Probst, who can't remember Gillian's name (way to prepare for the show, Probst. It's only 18 names. Come on) says they'll be choosing their teams. They can choose a man or a woman, but they must choose carefully, as this will be their tribe until like episode 3 when the producers mix the teams up. Probst says all they have to go on are the contestants' names and what they say they do -- if that is what they do. Way to blow up Crystal's spot, Probst. With that, Probst follows Gabonian tradition and has Bob and Gillian do rock-paper-scissors to pick who chooses first.
Bob gets paper to Gillian's rock to go first. Wow, Gillian couldn't even win rock-paper-scissors. That's funny in retrospect. Bob picks "baldy," a.k.a. Ace. "Guy with the shaved head," Probst says very generously. It's quite clear to me that Ace's head is only shaved because most of it was hairless anyway. Gillian either shows an incredible mastery of all Olympic event winners or stupidity by picking Crystal. Cut to the young, athletic men (and Ken), unpicked and confused. Ace is a prat, so he says that as a photographer, he should have a model. He picks Sugar. As she skips up to her new team, Probst looks utterly disgusted with Ace's choice. Crystal picks Susie, saying moms have to stick together. Yet again, the hunky muscular men (and Ken) have been passed up. Ha! Charlie is pissed off and says they're playing "stupid Survivor" now because Susie is not athletic and therefore will not help her team win immunity. Unlike Charlie, who's a tiny little guy with chicken legs. Yeah, I'm sure he'll win those things single-handedly. "Interesting so far," Probst fumes. Oh, he just HATES it when contestants on this show don't recognize that young hot men are where it's at! Sugar picks Marcus, "the farmer-looking boy." Susie takes "surfer dude" Matty. Probst asks Matty how he feels being on what is clearly the loser tribe of three women. "I got three moms!" he says. Marcus picks Charlie, who flamboyantly sticks his tongue out and bounds over to his new team and squeals and hugs Marcus, which he may or may not be comfortable with. Might want to find out what people's boundaries are before you invade them, Charles. "Charlie's happy!" Probst understatements.
Matty picks Randy, who suddenly comes to life and slaps everyone on his new team's hands. Charlie picks Paloma, who's looking really athletic in her tube top dress. Nice pick, Charlie. Really. You're not playing stupid Survivor at all! Randy picks Dan. Paloma picks "my lady, Kelly." "YAY!" Kelly says. Don't get too excited, Kelly. We wouldn't want you to kill one of the few brain cells you have. Dan picks Danny, who tells everyone to call him "G-Sizzle" or "GC." Um ... no. I will not call him G-Sizzle. That's stupid. Kelly picks Jacquie because she's blonde. No, really. That's what she said. GC picks the last man standing, Ken the video game player. Jacquie picks Corinne, leaving Michelle to join Gillian's team. But not before Probst can ask her how she feels to be picked last. "I'll learn to love you guys -- maybe," she says. Dan charms her by saying they have no problem with adding another hot girl to the team.
Probst hands out the buffs. He tells Gillian that her tribe is red and named "Thong." Really? Thong? That can't be right. Ah -- it's not Thong, but "Fang." It sure sounded like it, though. The other team is yellow and they will be named Kota. And now it's time for their first challenge, much to everyone's surprise because they have clearly never seen this show before. Yes, it's time for the individual immunity idol race. Teams will race each other to the top of a very steep hill. First one there gets the idol. Also at the top are the team's essentials, although Probst only mentions one specifically: a bag of rice. And there's more! The first tribe to have all members at the top of the hill wins an additional bag of corn and beans! Probst asks the contestants if they'll race out ahead selfishly to get the idol or work as a team to get the corn and beans. How can they work as a team here? Carry each other on their backs? Shockingly, when Probst says go, they all race ahead selfishly. Probst has to race along with them, which is funny.
I was expecting Crystal to be in the lead here, but she's totally not. I hope for her sake that she's losing on purpose so as not to show her hand because a gold medal runner should have blown past everyone, men and women, in this race and she isn't even in the lead of the women. Probst has to take a breather. Weak! Gillian falls behind and Matty and Dan fall back to help her. Huh. I would not have done that. I would have gotten the idol first and then gone back to help, although perhaps that's not allowed. Maybe once you cross the finish line you can't go back. GC and Marcus are in the lead at the hill and Probst makes sure to scream out that they're looking out for themselves. Wow, that hill is very steep. Bob is surprisingly strong, and gives Paloma a hand up even though, as Charlie's pick, she's really athletic. Marcus gets the idol for Kota while GC and Michelle, trying to prove that she's not last-pick material, are racing for the Fang idol. GC gets it. Michelle would do herself a few favors here by turning around and going back to help her team since she knows she can't get the idol, but instead she crosses the finish line and says her new tribe isn't very smart because she is clearly the strongest girl on their team and they picked her last. Uh, yeah, Michelle? Crystal is the strongest girl on your team. And she's back there helping people get up the hill so you can eat corn and beans. "They can kiss my ass," Michelle concludes.
I now regret saying that Crystal was strong because she's struggling on the hill, and poor Matty has to push her up from behind. Susie and Gillian struggle as well. Probst delights in pointing this out to show that they were wrong for picking mothers over models. "This isn't even close!" he says, barely able to keep himself from doing a happy dance. While Michelle stands at the line and watches, the rest of Kota easily make it across the finish line. You'll note that before Jacquie crosses the line, she turns to make sure she doesn't need to help anyone behind her. Matty is now pushing Gillian up the hill and he complains to us that Gillian could be a real liability for them when it comes to physical challenges. In fact, he describes her as a "huge huge huge load to carry" while we see him push on her ass. Meanwhile, Crystal tries to defend her abysmally poor performance by saying she can run, but the hill was hard and her tennis shoes weigh "at least ten pounds." The hell? Where is she getting shoes that heavy? And why would she bring them along? I have a feeling she's pulling what I do at the gym when I weigh myself with shoes on and don't like what the scale tells me. I go "ah, well, it's actually ten pounds less than this because I'm wearing shoes." It's not true for me then and it's not true for Crystal now. Gold medalists shouldn't make excuses (unless it's in the face of positive doping tests)!
Kota cheers for themselves for winning the challenge. Hilariously, Bob is wearing his buff as a bow-tie. Bob rules. Probst turns to Fang and pretty much says they suck at life and will have a hard time in this game if they don't get better. With that, the teams head out to their new homes.
After the break, we hear from Marcus, who the graphic says is a physician. Because he's PERFECT. He says being in the wild like this is "really, really scary" because "you don't know what's around the tree." As he says this, a crew member wearing the arm from a monkey costume swipes at some branches while monkey sound effects play. Narrator Marcus continues that they finally came upon a campsite with the Kota flag flying over it. We see that they're near a large lake and have been given two small dilapidated huts. Kota cheers. Hell yeah, they're cheering. Has this show ever given tribes shelter to start out with like this before? Not in a long time, that's for sure. Lame, but they probably had to do it because the contestants aren't allowed to disrupt the pristine African wilderness by cutting down trees to make their own shelters or something. Marcus claims that his tribe could all be eaten by leopards and "no one would know the difference." Except for the huge film crew and staff of the wildlife preservation I'm sure they're filming this at. I refuse to be frightened for these people's safety when it comes to animal attacks.
Sugar proves to be a total ditz in her interview, as she says she's "excited (giggle giggle)" but there's "really wild animals out here (giggle giggle)" and "this is really Africa (giggle)!" Ugh. She is smart enough to decide she won't be going anywhere near the lake which is probably full of horrible African things like super leeches and snakes although the editors want us to believe it's full of hippos. The group decides to get the roofs on their huts all sealed up before it starts to rain. Bob immediately jumps on top of one of the huts and basically does all the work himself because he's amazing. Corinne says great things about Bob, and where did her "I'm going to rip everyone to pieces" attitude go? Meanwhile, Bob has a pretty good body going for a fifty-seven-year-old. It must be so weird to be one of his students and seeing this right now. Sugar and/or Jacquie thinks she's helping by cheering Bob on annoyingly. "He's fifty-seven years old and he's awesome," Corinne concludes. Okay, I might like her after all.
Bob interviews that doing all this stuff around camp is second nature to him because he's "from Maine." "That's all we do in Maine," he says. Um, yeah, well, Julie from Vanuatu was from Maine, too, and she never did shit. And I worked on that season, so I saw all the footage. Not a thing. Except one time when she and Eliza stole one of the group's melons only for it to be too rotten to eat inside. While the rest of the team watches, Bob goes and makes a freaking bench out of vines and sticks. Ace the Prat begrudgingly admits that it's a decent bench while the ladies swoon. Swoon over Bob, not Ace.
Fang comes upon their camp and are similarly thrilled to find huts waiting for them. Gillian gets the group together and makes fun of Probst, saying that "according to some people" they "sucked," but she disagrees. She thinks they're "awesome" and it's important that they keep a positive attitude. She says there's an "African word for 'fierce,'" although I think we all know (and, being from South Africa, Gillian must know as well) that thousands of dialects are spoken in Africa, so there is no one African language. Also, I thought .America's Top Model had a trademark on the word "fierce" when it comes to reality shows. Gillian tells us she's all about having a positive attitude and hopes if she can keep that up, the rest of her tribe will forget how much she sucked in the first challenge. Nice try, but I'll bet they'll remember every mealtime that they aren't eating corn and beans. Gillian immediately shows off her "I read too many survival manuals and watched too much Man Vs. Wild" know-how by telling people to be on the lookout for elephant shit because it burns well. This earns the disgust of Randy, although I don't think it takes much to do that.
Despite the rest of the tribe's obvious disinterest in elephant dung, Gillian keeps at it, and even finds some while looking for firewood with Susie, which she immediately gathers up in her hands and takes back to the camp with her, holding it aloft like a prize. She offers to show it off to anyone who's interested. Shockingly, no one is interested. Psst! Hey, Gillian? Here's the thing. Elephants are cool. Elephant shit is shit, and no one wants any part of it no matter how well it burns. But Gillian persists, dumping it on the ground to show everyone how "interesting" it is. "Wanna see my dung?" Dan jokes. Heh. Get a clue, Gillian. You're grossing everyone out. But it gets worse! She picks through it looking for "something edible" the elephant might have forgotten to digest! "Don't even think about that!" Dan begs, trying to be nice. "You first," Randy says, pure hatred on his face. Randy's kind of scary. Randy tells us that he has decided that Gillian is annoying and so busy trying to look busy that "she's not accomplishing crap." Bad choice of words, Randy -- crap is actually the one thing Gillian has accomplished.
Meanwhile, Ken and Michelle have gone off for their own "I read too many survival manuals" walk. Ken finds a termite nest and dares Michelle to eat some for protein. You guys have been out here for all of three minutes. You can't possibly be that hungry. Ken interviews that since he's a video gamer, people will think he's a stereotypical anti-social nerd and that won't win him any points with the ladies. You know what really doesn't win you any points with the ladies, Ken? Telling them it would be "hot" if they ate a termite. And yet, Michelle eats the termite. She waits until Ken is turned away before she does it, though, so maybe she palmed it or something. Already we see an unfortunate side effect of bug-eating: Michelle has a strange rash on her left boob. Oh, I'm sorry -- that's just the Survivor over zealous censoring machine, all rested up from last season and back with a vengeance.
The producers somehow convinced poor Ken to confess that the last girl he kissed was in high school, four or five years ago. Back with Michelle, he tells her she ate "the Queen termite." Ken interviews that being in Gabon with "a girl that you are attracted to is a very special moment in life" and since both he and Michelle are single, "you never know. Perhaps a romance could start." Actually I do know, and no, it couldn't. Michelle is only talking to Ken because she hates everyone else more. And with that, Ken impresses his lady love by tripping over something and almost falling on his face. Aw, that's mean, editors!
Over at Kota, there is way too much discussion over how to make a latrine. Actually, this is all Ace the Prat's fault, because while Paloma seems in favor of the more sensible and less disgusting option of digging a hole, crapping in it, and covering it up and to each his or her own, Ace the Prat wants to create some sort of moving latrine based on the Roman legions he learned about in his posh little public school. Paloma's had enough and goes off with Charlie to talk about how Ace is getting on her nerves. "He will not shut up," she says. No, he won't. As he interviews, delightfully oblivious to the fact that the rest of his tribe (and the editors) can't stand him: "I'm the full package. I'm not just a physical competitor; I'm a mental competitor." Look out, there, Ace! You just dropped your English accent. Here's a fun fact: people with genuine English accents don't randomly lose them for complete sentences. My dad has been in this country for thirty years and he might pronounce certain words in an American way, but he has never strung together a complete sentence in an American accent like that. "I have no fear of standing in front of Jeff and expecting my check for a million dollars," he says. Yeah, it'll be just like home with your rich parents, won't it? Prat. Meanwhile, Corinne and Jacquie are wishing they were on latrine digging duty since they're still stuck at camp with Ace, who thinks they should split up into two groups and look for dry wood. His accent just disappeared again, by the way.
Marcus goes off with Charlie, who is apparently back from his shit-talking and shit-ditch-digging session with Paloma only to go off on another shit-talking session with Marcus, who wonders how many days into this thing it will take before Ace gets irritating. "One," Charlie says. He thinks Ace the Prat is here to "play hard," so the best strategy for them is to "lay low." Marcus agrees that they just have to let Ace the Prat "run the show" until it gets so obnoxious that the tribe has no choice but to vote him out. But ... you can't vote Ace out! He's the full package! And here's where Charlie gets a little creepy and starts saying he's looking for a player he has a "connection" with. In an interview, he elaborates on that, saying he has a "special bond" with Marcus, because Marcus picked him to be on the team and Marcus has "deep, blue, beautiful eyes." So it's not so much a "connection" as it is a one-sided crush. Marcus diplomatically says he thinks Charlie is a "well-balanced human being." He doesn't say anything about Charlie's eyes, though. Charlie says he thinks he can trust Marcus, based on knowing him for all of one hour and Marcus being hot. Marcus tells us that he's picked up on the very subtle fact that Charlie is attracted to him, but he doesn't see that developing into any kind of romance since Marcus is straight, not to mention the fact that Charlie is lame. "We're in Eden but there's no two Adams here," Marcus concludes in a line the producers totally fed him. Hey Marcus? It's Adam and Steve, not two Adams.
Night falls, and Fang is having trouble sleeping what with the elephant sound effects blasting on a nearby stereo. But the only oafish mammal here is Randy, who went and walked into the doorway of the hut and cut his head open on a "sharp branch." Wow, I guess they brought the Jonathan-stabber back for another season of contestant pain. Randy is bleeding profusely, but since it's dark outside, no one can really tell how bad it is. He asks Nurse Gillian for assistance, but she can't see anything, nor does she have any supplies even if she could. "Yeah, right," she interviews. She advises Randy to keep it clean, and here comes the Survivor medical team for what probably will not be their only appearance of the season if last season is anything to go by. They fix Randy up with a few stitches and he will not shut up the entire time. They're spending an awful lot of time telling us that Randy is at risk for infection and they'll have to keep an eye on the wound, which makes me think it's going to get worse. In a night-vision interview, Randy, now with a ridiculously large bandage on his head, says he doesn't know if they gave him three stitches or thirty. I'm guessing it's more like three. He says he's scared the injury could take him out of the game, as opposed to his general worthlessness as a physical competitor and unpleasantness as a person.
The morning, Randy's head looks like a turnip with that bandage on. He says he's sure the wound will be fine in a couple days. Meanwhile, Michelle is freezing in her little outfit. She's borrowed Dan's suit jacket for warmth and says she doesn't understand why she's cold when they're on the "freaking equator." She does have a point there. Michelle tells us that she was very cold last night and since she's "very bony," she was uncomfortable on the wood floor. Well, who's fault is that? You know you're going on Survivor. EAT. Don't be vain about being on television and just gain twenty pounds before you go on the show. One million dollars > not looking model thing on TV. Especially when by the time this thing is over, you'll look model-thin anyway. Meanwhile, her tribe attempts to start a fire using the machete and a skull. Michelle watches Dan's efforts and says "trying to make fire with a bone? I don't think I got stuck with the brightest bunch, that's for sure." Well at least they're trying. If you don't like it and think Dan is stupid, you can go ahead and give him back the suit jacket he so kindly lent you. Michelle whineterviews that she doesn't know what she did to get stuck with this tribe of "dorks" when Kota has all the "smart, beautiful people." Right, well, the smart beautiful tribe didn't pick you, Michelle. Neither did Fang. Perhaps you should look inwards and see what it is about you that turns everyone off and fix it. Preferably before you go on national television so millions of people don't think you're a whiny, selfish, entitled, mean, negative, spoiled brat. I mean, I actually like Michelle and I can see where she's coming from and lord knows I would probably come across pretty similar to her if you put me on Survivor, but that's also why I won't be on this show. If you're going to be negative and sour and bitter, it's good to have you some self-awareness so you don't torture the people around you.
Over at Kota, the smart beautiful people have their first treemail. They choose Paloma to read it for some reason and she struggles to read that there's going to be a combination fire reward/immunity challenge. Ace the Prat leads select members of the group through some yoga meditation to get ready for the challenge, which I'm not going to judge because maybe that stuff works. I hear it helps you gain focus. But in case Ace the Prat is wearing tiny orange underpants, making it ridiculous. Ace tells us he thought a group yoga would do well to clean out Kota's humors. It certainly cleans out Paloma and Bob's, as they watch from the hut and laugh at the yoga people. Bob gamely says he "should" be stretching, while Paloma endears herself to me by saying she couldn't because she'd be laughing the entire time. "They're doing it in, like, their underwear. In the middle of the jungle," she says as the yoga group imitates a flamingo.
Challenge time! Probst explains that for this challenge, six tribe members will be belted together and race through an obstacle course to a dirt mound where they'll dig up three bags of puzzle pieces. They will then bring those pieces to the three remaining tribe members, who will assemble them. With that, Probst reveals the new immunity idol and says it's really important and stuff. The winner also gets some flint, which the contestants seem much happier about. With that, we see Kota has picked brain trusts Paloma and Sugar to solve the puzzle along with Bob, who will be actually solving the puzzle. Gillian, Susie, and Randy will solve for Fang.
With that, they're off! Probst makes sure to tell the contestants that the swamp is full of leeches as they enter it. Kota has a slight lead over the rope wall until the pretty ladies get stuck and they fall behind. "Do not slow down here!" Probst says. What, really? You mean if they want to win, they should go fast? No way.
Kota gets the lead back when Marcus digs up the first bag of pieces. They get a second bag before Fang even finds their first one, let alone digs it up. And then they've got all three, leaving Fang digging leisurely in their pit. GC and Matty aren't even digging anymore. Bob works on the puzzle while Sugar and Paloma move pieces around to look busy. Back at the pit, half of Fang (specifically, GC, Matty, and Ken) have given up while Kota is almost done with their puzzle. Gillian continues to cheer her team on, but Probst tells her to "put it in the deep freeze," a.k.a. stop yelling in his ear. Gillian says she won't give up on her team when there's still a chance. Standing to her, Randy makes a series of angry faces and tells us he's sick of Gillian's positive attitude and accent. Yeah, because Randy's accent isn't annoying at all. Stuff it, Texan. Unlike Ace the Prat, Gillian can't control her accent. Fang finally gets all three puzzle bags, but they don't even make it to the game board before Kota finishes their puzzle and wins. "This is not even close. Two absolute blow-outs," Probst says, wincing from the stick that apparently has been lodged up his ass.
A defeated Fang returns to camp and console themselves by saying they didn't lose that bad since they were ahead before they got to the dig. GC, who was one of the people who quit in the middle of the challenge, says he's upset to lose because now they don't have fire and they'll have to lose a teammate. Randy thinks the problem is that they don't have someone who will step up and be a leader. I think the problem is this team has people like Randy on it. GC interviews that he agrees the team needs a leader or "some kind of game plan" but since he doesn't seem at all willing to step up and do it himself, what good is he?
Michelle stupidly goes off by herself to probably trash-talk her team to a cameraman, giving the rest of them the opportunity to discuss voting her off. Matty wants her gone, but Dan doesn't see how her leaving will make their team any better. Matty says the tribe is in a "down and out" position, so they need all the positive thinking they can get right now, and Michelle is the opposite of that. I hope you're paying attention back there, Randy: keep up your bitching and you'll be to go (I hope I hope). Dan seems happy enough to vote for anyone except himself and says Matty's reason is a good one. Susie tells him to do what he has to do and she'll vote however he wants her to. "Me too," Randy says, but his heart isn't in it. Matty notices and asks Randy if he's "feeling him." Randy says he hears what Matty is saying about getting rid of Michelle, but it's still early. "It's not that early," Matty says.
Randy tells us that he won't vote for Michelle until he hears everyone else say he's going to vote for her, too. Way to be a leader, Randy. The fact is, he'd rather see Gillian go tonight because she's old. "Nothing against the 60 year-old women out there, but, don't come to my camp," he says, with the scariest intense look on his face. You know, I'm starting to think that Randy might hate women. I don't think he likes men very much, either, but he hates women. And we don't like him right back. Also, he should really watch what he says about voting people out for being old because he's like the second-oldest person in that tribe, and looks it. Randy continues that Gillian tries to be all happy and positive to make people like her because he can't fathom that maybe there are people out there who are genuinely friendly and positive. I have a hard time grasping that fact, too, but at least I can acknowledge that those people exist, and even aspire to be more like them on occasion. But Randy just thinks it's "worthless." It can't be totally worthless if it's apparently keeping the tribe from voting for Gillian tonight.
Meanwhile, Michelle and Ken want to vote Gillian out. Ken tells us that Gillian is a nice lady but not meant for this game, as opposed to the nerdy videogame "champion" who hadn't seen sunlight in years before coming out here. Ken has to be honest, though, and says he thinks Michelle is on "the outs." Michelle says "that's so funny" and it just confirms her belief that she is on a tribe with "the dumbest people on Earth" as if she needed any outside confirmation. Michelle strikes me as the type of person who makes up her mind about something and won't be swayed despite however much evidence to the contrary. By the way, you know what's really dumb? Playing a hugely social game with a grand prize of a million dollars and immediately deciding that the people who decide whether you stay in it or not aren't worth your time. Ken tries to point out that Michelle hasn't exactly tried to endear herself to anyone or even talk to them. "They're all retarded!" Michelle says. Michelle! Oh my god. You are on national television. For your own sake, try to come across as not a complete asshole if that's even possible at this point. She must have no idea how she comes off. That's kind of sad, really. Ken tells us he wants Michelle to stay in the tribe because he likes her and wants an ally. And even though he's an anti-social video game player, he has better people skills than Michelle the entitled beeyotch, who says it's hard for her to pretend to like people. Right, well, that's usually how you succeed in life and definitely how you succeed in this game: you pretend to like people. You're friendly and amiable to their faces and then you shit-talk them all you want to the cameras. You just can't be so obvious in your contempt that they'd consider voting you out over a 60 year-old woman who is obsessed with elephant shit. Ken gives up and says he doesn't know how tribal council will go tonight.
Back at camp, Dan says Michelle is a "Negative Nancy," which is kind of adorable. Gillian agrees, and says Michelle is "sad" and "doesn't need to be here." Gillian says she'll vote for Michelle without hesitation, both for Michelle's sake and the tribe's. Then again, Gillian says, she may well be the one who's really going home tonight and everyone's fooling her into thinking it's Michelle. Meanwhile, Michelle roams around camp wearing see-through underwear, possibly hoping the men won't vote her off if she gives them a show. At no point do we see her even try to talk to her tribe mates about their votes or convince them to keep her over Gillian.
And we're at the first Tribal Council of the season! It comes with its own snake that I'm sure wasn't actually there when the host or contestants were despite what the editing wants us to believe. Fang enters and Probst holds back his contempt for them long enough to recite the Tribal Council fire-life-torch speech. With that, he starts things off with Dan because Dan is a hot young athletic man. He asks him how he thinks Fang did at the immunity challenge. Dan says they did "okay." Probst was apparently expecting him to say "we sucked!!!!" because he makes Dan repeat himself before saying that Fang is both a "complete disaster" and "in total denial." Whoa. Africa makes Probst really angry. He's even crankier than Randy, I think. Dan doesn't agree with that and says he's looking forward to the challenge, where he's sure they'll do much better. "Okay," Probst says with a condescending chuckle. Yes, folks, he won an Emmy for this.
Probst turns to Michelle , and she gives him what he wants to hear. She says people were taking breaks during the challenge, like Ken (Michelle, you little backstabber!) and GC, who she actually calls G-Sizzle. GC tries to defend himself, saying he was exhausted and needed a break. If that's the reason they lost, he's sorry. Not sorry enough to give away his immunity idol, though. "Well, it wasn't the reason we won," Michelle snots; "cause we're sitting here." Wow, she and Probst apparently forgot to get their anti-bitch shots before coming to Africa. Does Michelle think this is really going to help her case at all? Dan tries to be diplomatic and says it's impossible to go 100% all the time. "Um, that's what a challenge is. That's what a race is. You don't stop 'til the job's done," Michelle says. Wow. I think ... does she want to get voted out? She must. She can't possibly think arguing with EVERY SINGLE person there is going to help her stay, right? Susie's had enough of the spoiled brat and says Michelle should have said that during the challenge. Michelle says she didn't stop digging. Susie says she should have talked to the team, too. Crystal points out that she was telling everyone to hustle. Good for you, Crystal. Thus far, you are a disgrace to Olympic gold medalists everywhere (including Curling), so you might want to stay out of the spotlight. And now everyone's arguing, so Probst shakes his head at this team of fools. And lets them continue, because he knows good TV. Michelle is determined to have the last word, so the argument can't stop until she does. Probst finally speaks up to innocently claim that he just asked a "simple question" and this pathetic excuse for a team had a huge argument.
He turns to Crystal and asks her who the leader of the tribe is right now. "Right now, at this current moment, we don't have a distinct leader," she says. Oh, just say "no one," Crystal. Probst asks Gillian how she feels about her terrible team-picking abilities now. Gillian says there are a lot of leaders on the team, but no one wants to step up and become a target. Probst asks if anyone is willing to stand up right now and volunteer for the job. No one is. That should be the end of it, but Probst won't let it go. GC says a leader and someone for everyone to look up to would be great, but that doesn't seem to be a possibility right now. And then everyone starts arguing again. I thought Probst was being a dick saying that this team sucked, but now I'm starting to think he's right. They're awful. Probst is still a dick, though. Dan tells GC he should be the leader, but GC declines saying he doesn't want to take the fall for a wrong decision. "If they want me to roll with it, I mean, I'll do it," GC says. "GC's willing to be the leader. Who's in favor of that?" Probst says. "I didn't say that!" GC says. True, he didn't. Stop trying to force the teams to do stuff, Probst. If you want to play Survivor so bad, apply like everyone else. Probst amends his statement: "GC is open to being the leader if you would like him to be." Probst asks each contestant if he's cool with GC as the new leader. Put on the spot, they all say yes. Probst claims to be "impressed" with his own machinations and announces that Fang has a new leader. GC shakes his head and looks down at the ground.
Probst asks Michelle who she's closest to out here. She says Ken. Probst then asks her how much of an impact being last picked has had on her. Well, it made her a bitter loser for one. She says she "wasn't surprised," although I have a feeling she was very surprised and just can't get over it already. She thinks she proved herself worthy of this tribe in the individual immunity challenge, whereas there's some "dead weight" the tribe could stand to lose. Okay, I don't know why Probst is bothering to ask anyone else any questions. Michelle is reality show gold. Too bad she's leaving soon. Gillian knows she's the dead weight and makes a strange sound. Randy nods and makes scary intense faces. Probst turns to Gillian and says she struggled in the first challenge. Gillian agrees and says she was "the old bag that had to be helped up by two young bucks." But she hopes the rest of tribe has seen that there's more to her than one challenge and gray hair. Like coprophagia. That livens up any dinner party.
With that, it's time to vote. Michelle votes for Gillian, saying she's the weakest person on the tribe. Ken has the loping awkward walk of a video game nerd. Gillian votes for Michelle, saying she doesn't want to be here, and with an attitude like hers, she shouldn't be. We don't see anyone else's votes, which means it was a blowout.
Probst returns with the urn. One vote for Michelle. One vote for Gillian. And then ... Michelle gets the rest of the votes, including one spelled "Mishell." Shame on whoever wrote that one. I guessed it was GC because he seems to think C stands for Sizzle so he obviously has a problem with his S's and C's. Just to be fair, though, I checked the CBS site and it was actually Susie who spelled Michelle's name wrong. Disgraceful. Disappointingly, Michelle does not tell anyone off on her way out. Probst pats himself on the back for basically forcing the tribe to appoint a new leader and gives them some flint. The super-intense music plays them out and we do not get any final words from Michelle, which I can only take to mean she let out a string of unairable obscenities and nothing else. If she had lasted longer I might have really liked her, but she didn't and it's no one's fault but hers. I hope she's learned something from all of this, but I very much doubt it.
But this is a special two-hour show, so we're only halfway through! The Michelleless tribe heads back, all of them happy to still be here and to be rid of the party pooper. GC says Tribal Council sucked, but at least they got flint out of it, and flint > Michelle. Hell, even Flint, Michigan > Michelle. GC tries to get Ken to start the first fire, but Gillian thinks that honor should go to the new leader. Randy "jokes" that if GC can't start the fire, they'll all vote him out, which is exactly what GC is afraid of. GC tells us it feels good to be chosen (more like have the title forced upon him by the supposedly impartial host) as the tribe leader, but it also makes him a big target. Well, maybe if you had set a precedent of voting out the weakest competitor instead of someone who was young and fit but bitter, that wouldn't be something you had to worry about. GC starts the fire and is so relieved to come through on his first Big Assignment as tribe leader that he does a victory dance in front of it to celebrate. I'm just glad Gillian stayed seated.
Over at the tribe of happiness and success, Marcus is still perfect. Bob is still good at everything, including starting fires. Sugar is still annoying. Ace is still a prat. And Charlie is still in love with Marcus. He seems to have found out that Marcus is straight, though, as he interviews that he doesn't understand why "a million girls" aren't jumping on Marcus right now. Well, first of all, there aren't a million girls in your tribe. Second of all, they can't when you keep hogging him and taking him out on private canoe trips.
Charlie proceeds to weird Marcus out by getting him alone on a canoe and saying he's scared when Marcus isn't there and happy and safe when he is. At least, I think that's what he said. He said some stuff about feeling like he was "there in spirit" that I didn't understand. Marcus just nods and "yeahs," which is fine with Charlie because I get the feeling that he just loves to hear himself speak. Charlie says he can't see how anyone else has a stronger alliance than he and Marcus have. Well, since this alliance currently seems to be based on Charlie loving to fawn all over Marcus and Marcus loving being fawned over, he might be right. Marcus says Charlie is definitely his "inner circle" but he wants to have an outer circle as well. An outer circle of hot women like Jacquie. Marcus tells us he has this whole "onion" alliance plan where Charlie is at the center and then there they'll add people (or layers) as they continue in the game. That actually sounds like more of a snowball alliance plan to me, but whatever. Marcus tells Charlie that Jacquie seems like "a really cool girl." Charlie tries not to get jealous and says he likes Corinne. Marcus says he's hoping to get a Jacquie and a Corinne layer on his onion, as he likes Jacquie and thinks Corinne is very smart. Apparently hearing this, Corinne nods. Marcus says he's going to try to talk to Corinne and get her in their group.
Over at Loser Central, GC settles into his leadership role and sends Susie and Crystal out to gather fruit and Matty and Randy on the more manly task of finding things they can use as bowls and eating utensils. He tells Ken to get something grass-like they can use for layers. Layers of what? Is this Marcus's onion alliance again? Because I don't think that works when you don't have a teammate who is slavishly devoted to your good looks. Oh, I guess he meant things to line the hut's wood floor with so they'd be more comfortable at night. GC says that, as a maintenance supervisor, getting things together like this camp is what he's good at. Meanwhile, the team doesn't seem to be doing anything GC's asking them to, as Susie and Crystal make no effort to get fruit and Ken says he'd rather "weave" something than dump a bunch of grass on the floor. GC tells him to put the grass down first and then weave his little mattress. With that, GC says people seem to like his ideas and at least now Fang has a plan for the day.
And there's the insert shot of hippos I have a feeling we're going to see over and over again, since this is just the first episode and I've seen that same exact shot at least twice already.
GC might be getting too into his leadership role, as he's now commandeering the rice pot from Randy to make lunch. But there's some confusion, as Randy wants GC to use water from the lake while GC would rather use the "clean" water they've already boiled back at camp. Randy tries to explain that using the lake water is best since it will boil and become clean in the process of cooking the rice, whereas the clean water they have at camp is their drinking water, so it would be a waste. GC doesn't understand what Randy's talking about, though, since Randy doesn't explain it very well. In fact, the first few times I saw this scene I thought Randy was afraid that GC would burn the water by boiling it twice. Either way, GC doesn't seem to like being "challenged" and walks off. So, of course, Randy is now annoyed with GC. He says GC is too young, doesn't know anything, and won't be a good leader, but he's perfectly happy to let his tribe members crash and burn because it means he'll stay in the background and no one will notice that he's old and out of shape.
Back at camp, Crystal doesn't seem to understand the word "leader" or "fruit," as she tells a confused Susie they're going to get leaves to sleep on instead of look for fruit to eat. GC points out that they aren't doing anything right now. Randy concludes that he's ready to watch his tribe "self-destruct." That's a stupid plan, Randy, since you're ON THAT TRIBE. If it self-destructs, then that means you're out of the game, too. Remember a little tribe called Ulong on a little season called Palau, Randy? Actually, you probably don't since I don't think anyone who gets cast actually watches this show anymore. Except for Gillian.
Back at Kota, Marcus gets Corinne alone. Somehow, Corinne has developed a friendship with Jacquie behind the scenes where she trusts her "whole-heartedly," which is quite a change from the Corinne we saw in the beginning who was ready to stab any and everyone in the back. Which Corinne is real? I don't know! Marcus starts going into his onion layer alliance strategy again, and Corinne cuts him off and says she's hoping for a "tight and strong" alliance of her, Marcus, and Jacquie. She adds Charlie as an afterthought. I think he likes her more than she likes him, which seems to be a bit of a recurring theme with Charlie. Corinne says they'll need a fifth wheel in their alliance to get the majority vote who will then be the person they get rid of first. Because that plan always works. Just ask Ozzy. Corinne wants Bob to be their fifth person. Jacquie, Charlie, Marcus, and Corinne meet in the woods to discuss this. Corinne thinks she can "full on" bring Bob into their alliance. Meanwhile, if the cutaway shots are to be believed, all kinds of apes and monkeys are listening in. Eventually, one of the women figures out that all four of them disappearing like that might clue the other five in that they're plotting something, so they head back to camp. Charlie tells us that his new alliance is "like magic" and "one brain working as one." Think you mean "four brains working as one there, chief. Then again, these people possess a quarter of a brain each. Is Charlie really 29 years old? He is so naïve. Talk about playing stupid Survivor.
Over at Fang, someone is snoring loudly. I think it's Randy. It wakes GC up, so he decides to wash his clothes in the corner of the hut. He does appear to do so as quietly as possible, but it still wakes Gillian up, and she is pissed. Oh, look who's not little miss sunshine now! The rest of the tribe soon wakes up and they're all outside by the fire chatting away. Old people hate it when young people are loud, so Gillian finally comes outside and endears herself to no one by saying they have all day to "blah blah blah," but for now they should shut up so she can sleep. This kills the fun mood everyone else was going for, and GC immediately apologizes the same way he apologized at Tribal Council for being too "tired" to participate in the challenge, by which I mean he's more angry than sorry. He places the blame on the people who were snoring, saying they woke him up in the first place. He was trying to be quiet, but other people came out and started talking to him, so he doesn't see why Gillian's getting on his case. I didn't see Gillian address him specifically, so it looks like someone's a little bit defensive. GC Rorys that as an grown-ass man, no one can tell him when he can or cannot wash his clothes. Gillian says she was just trying to put in a nice request, and then says "blah blah blah" again, which might be what pissed GC off in the first place. He doesn't like being talked down to. Who does? But he is taking way too much offense at this. Suddenly, he decides he's through being the leader and as the youngest person there, he shouldn't be the leader anyway and he won't let his tribe "force" him to be it. They didn't force him -- Probst did.
Randy makes some nonsensical comment about how GC stands for Golden Child (although that's certainly better than G Sizzle) and tells us GC's decision to step down is the best leadership decision he's made in this game. Well, it's certainly better than washing his clothes in the middle of the hut at two in the morning. GC asks Randy if he wants to step up and be the new leader. Dan -- whose graphic calls him an attorney, whereas Charlie's says he's lawyer ... is there a difference? -- says quitting the leadership role is not very leader-like. Well, that's fine considering that GC is not the leader. As for Dan, he's just as bad as the rest of them as he says that his "management style" is conducive to leading this tribe. Dan tells us that he's "highly emotional" and that wouldn't work as a leader here. He'd rather be the "silent leader," as then he'll get none of the blame and all of the leadership. Yeah, no shit. That's what everyone wants, which is why no one is volunteering to be the leader. Do these people really need one leader? There are eight of them. Surely that's small enough of a community that you don't need one person in charge of telling everyone else what to do. Either let a leader emerge organically or work as a group. But standing around passing the responsibility buck over and over again is pointless, which is probably why Fang loves to do it so much. PS: it's only boring.
With that, Fang gets treemail for the upcoming reward/immunity challenge. The winner gets fishing gear and the loser goes to Tribal Council. Dan says he thinks his tribe has a good chance to win this one, although they'd have a much better chance if they were "more unified." To accomplish this, Dan decides to make some black war paint. Crystal loves this idea, and says with the war paint on she feels like she can kick anyone's ass. It's good to see her finally show some personality. Now if only she'd show some athletic ability.
The teams arrive at a field. Kota has no real reaction to seeing that Michelle was voted out last night. Well, Sugar giggles, but I think she does that no matter what. Probst immediately asks Fang why they have black smudges on their faces with this big old smirk on his face as if Survivor doesn't do the same exact thing almost every season. Gillian says they're a "united tribe" that's going to "take 'em on" and "uh ... do it?" She kind of lost it at the end, didn't she? Meanwhile, Susie doesn't appear to have any war paint on, so, way to be unified, Fang. Also, with the war paint all over his eyes, Randy now resembles a scarily intense raccoon.
Probst explains today's challenge: players must maneuver a large "boulder" (a.k.a. giant sphere made of paper maché) through a series of gates. At two points on the course, they must stop the boulder underneath a hanging set of keys a player must climb on the top of the boulder to retrieve. At the end of the course is a gate with locks on it that the players must use their keys to open. They will then push the boulder into a small pedestal and win immunity and all kinds of fishing gear, including worms for bait, traps, and a rather ridiculous rusty barbed spear. And that's not all! The winning team gets to pick one player from the losing team to go to Exile Island, where there is a hidden immunity idol. Probst says if you have immunity "you cannot be voted out of this game," even though that happened like three times last season.
With that, Kota sits Paloma out and the race begins. And -- okay, I'm sure you've all already heard about this or noticed it for yourselves, but Marcus has chosen to wear his boxer briefs during this competition and his penis has decided to come out for air. These things happen, but what's weird is that it's so blatant and the editors either didn't see it to blur it out or decided to leave it in and see if anyone else would notice. And it happens more than once! It's so obvious that I watched this episode on my freaking IPOD (a 5g iPod too -- not the sharper-screened iPod classic) and I still saw it! How could this happen? Well, my theory is that since almost everyone who works behind the scenes at Survivor is a man, you have plenty of the dirty old man editors pouring over shots of half-naked women looking for nipple slips, but when it comes to men's crotches, they're not so attentive. But there really is no excuse for it, since each episode has an editing team specially dedicated to just the challenge segments. If they can't spare a few minutes to look at their final product before sticking it in the episode, that's pathetic. And hilarious!
Over at Fang, I'm grateful to say that Randy has managed to keep his dick in his underwear, but he can't conceal his dickish attitude as he literally shoves Gillian out of the way so he can push the boulder. And then Probst, the biggest dick of all, has to point out that Gillian isn't helping her team as if that's her fault.
Kota lifts Bob onto the boulder to untie the keys. Ken does the same for Fang, although he appears to be a bit slower. Both teams head down a hill, and Fang rams their boulder into Kota's, knocking them off course. This gets them a small lead, but Probst does not say anything positive about Fang because he hates them so much. He happily points out when Bob's quick key untying skills gets Kota the lead again, though.
Both teams approach the gate and start working the locks. They have six keys for three locks. "How lucky are you?" Probst says. "Lucky!" Randy responds. Uh, Randy? I think that was rhetorical. Also, you're wrong. You are not lucky. Look at you. Look at your attitude. Not lucky. Of course, Kota gets their gate open first and although they have some trouble getting the boulder on the pedestal, they win. While various members of Fang slump in defeat, Probst actually gives them some semi-positive words: "much different [than] the last challenge, guys -- you were right there." Gosh, thanks, Coach Probst! Shut up.
Kota decides to send Dan to Exile Island. Probst gives him a map and sends him off. He says he'll see Fang at Tribal Council tomorrow and kicks them out. Armed with fishing gear, Kota gets the slow-motion victory walk back to camp.
Unsurprisingly, Charlie says he was "so excited!" when they won the fishing gear reward. Marcus decides to do the Kota Dance, and it is not good idea and should stop immediately. Charlie says he was "expecting the worst" from this game, but so far it's "ten times better" than his real life. Which is very, very sad and goes a long way towards explaining why Charlie is the way he is. This is a guy who is so used to rejection that he pees his pants when someone offers him even the slightest hint of a friendship. "This is totally fun," he concludes. Meanwhile, Bob has something actually useful to add to the tribe as he starts unpacking the gear to do some fishing. The editors would have you believe he nearly snares a hippo in his fishing net. Of course, Marcus the Perfect catches the first fish, and Charlie is right by his side. That's the first time I've ever seen someone catch a fish using a homemade fishing pole, I must say. And I went to camp, where every year, we had to make fishing rods with stick and safety pins. I never saw anyone come close to catching anything. I wonder if Survivor stocked this lake with fish before the teams arrived? Ace catches a fish as well, and Jacquie says she doesn't "envision" their team losing ever. Overconfidence can be a killer, Jacquie.
Meanwhile, Dan's on his way to Exile Island. He says he's not sure what Kota was thinking, sending a "strong guy" to look for an immunity idol. Eh, they don't think they'll ever lose a challenge, so as far as they're concerned, they all have the immunity idol anyway. And since Bob appeared to be the person who spear-headed the decision to send Dan to Exile, I'm guessing he's hoping that Dan getting the immunity idol or at least the rest of the tribe thinking he has it will cause a lot of problems, like last season. Dan tells us that law school has made him an "analytical thinker" and he's pretty confident that he'll be able to find the idol no sweat. He arrives at the "island" (actually a field and a lake) to find a table with a scroll and two gourds on it. The scroll says he can choose to hang out in a comfortable hut with an apple to eat (geddit? It's the Garden of Eden!) or choose the gourd with the first clue in it and look for the idol. Since everyone knows that eating an apple in the Garden of Eden is not a good idea, Dan picks the clue gourd. He says one apple is not worth a million dollars. For real. Anyone who picks comfort is a moron.
The clue tells Dan to go across the lake and look for a sandy crater. "The object hidden in its floor will surely help you later," it concludes. Wait, is there another clue there or is it the idol already? We won't find out this week, since Dan immediately wonders if the clue is in the lake itself. He finds nothing there and searches the grounds beyond it for a sandy crater. He finds a dirt pit and thinks that's good enough. It's not, but he digs pretty deep before giving up. It's easy to say that Dan sucks for not being able to find the sandy crater, but it looked like it was pretty far away and on top of a hill, so it's not easy to find. Although it's pretty huge and unmistakable once you do find it. Dan says Exile Island is "the worst place ever" and the clue is playing with his mind. He spends the rest of his time there pathetically standing outside the comfort hut looking in, so sad.
Over at Fang, Matty tries to keep the team's spirits up by saying they did pretty well today despite the loss. Gillian, of course, agrees. But GC pulls a Michelle and tells us that he's starting to feel discouraged and frustrated after losing three challenges in a row and especially after missing out on the fishing gear. Crystal talks to Ken at the dock about who he wants to vote for at Tribal. He says in today's challenge, everyone did his part -- except Gillian (who was pushed away when she tried, but I guess no one saw that or they just don't care). Ken tells us that all challenges thus far have been physical, and they've lost every one. If they're going to learn from their mistakes, they have to get rid of Gillian. Matty joins them as Ken says he's going to vote for Gillian. Crystal says she doesn't even need to write it down on the paper; she'll just stand up and announce it. Meanwhile, the US Olympic Team wishes they could vote her out of the history books, so horrible has her performance been thus far.
Gillian talks to Susie about engineering some sort of "surprise vote out." If she's talking a physical person like Matty or Dan, she's crazy. Or not, since this is probably her only chance to stay in the game for another round. Gillian says the young people are ganging up against them, so if Gillian goes, Susie will be out . Gillian says they could vote out a "very weak" young person, like Ken. Weak? I think not! He can play Super Smash Brothers! He knows where all the secret 1UPs are! He knows the Contra code for infinite lives! Come on! Susie agrees with Gillian's reasoning but seems non-committal. Gillian tells us that she knows she's a "walking target" on this tribe and has to do something about it before it's too late.
Oh! A baby gorilla! So cute! And back at Camp Fang, the contestants are looking pretty down and out. GC says they don't seem to be able to pull things together when it's "crunch time." He says this tribe needs a lot of things, food especially. To that end, Randy has somehow constructed a perfect fish hook out of his glasses, although he sadly had to take his shirt off to do this. Gillian weaves together some twine for a fishing line and various members donate shoelaces as well. Crystal and Susie find worms to use as bait. With that, Crystal sends the "boys" off to catch something since women can't catch fish. They can't catch fish at Kota and they can't do it at Fang either. Fish in Africa refuse to be caught by women. It's a fact. Amazingly, the guys do manage to catch a fish! Now I'm sure those ponds are stocked. GC says they don't need reward challenge fishing gear since they can do it all by themselves. Now quick! Eat it before Dan gets back. Ken and GC return to camp with a sack with five fish in it, which is impressive. GC says it feels good to get some protein in his body after six days without it.
Dan returns. Gillian hugs him hello and the group presses him for details about Exile "Island." He won't say much except that there's a "choice" when you get there and he made the wrong one. He thinks if Fang ever wins a challenge, they should send one of Kota's weaker team members to Exile. He says he looked for the idol for five or six hours and had no luck, so a weaker player is sure not to be able to find it. GC interviews that Dan was acting strange when he returned from Exile. Dan lies down and says Exile made him "re-think" why he wanted to do this game. GC thinks Dan either has the idol or knows where it is. Matty, Ken, and Susie seem to agree with this. Way to act needlessly suspicious, Dan. Now they're thinking of voting you out to flush out the idol that you don't even have.
Back at camp, Matty tells Crystal and Randy his suspicions regarding Dan. Randy, terrified that they'll vote Dan out instead of the hated Gillian, says he thinks they're being paranoid and Dan is just tired. Crystal is not convinced. They blurred out the top of Matty's crotch lest we see a pubic hair or two. Flying dicks, yes. Pubic hair, no.
A hippo swims past. It is hungry, hungry.
Crystal and Matty meet at the dock for last-minute strategizing. Matty wants to vote for Gillian, but Crystal's still leaning towards Dan. Matty says he'll vote for Dan if everyone else does. I kind of hope they do, only because Probst's head will explode and he'll burn Tribal Council down in a rage. Matty thinks Dan isn't "smart enough" to find the idol. Crystal has to point out that Dan is a lawyer. "I never trust anybody in a suit," Matty says. People who inherit trust funds from their grandparents can live their lives this way (until they party the money away before the age of 30).
And there's another shot of a hippo.
Fang arrives at Tribal Council. Probst is wearing a hideous lime green safari shirt. His first question is to GC, and it's how is he doing as the tribe's new forced leader. "It was -- " GC starts. Probst notes his use of past tense. GC says it was okay for a day or two, but in the end, his group volunteered him for a position he didn't want. So he stepped down. Probst goes to Silent Susie for the details, and Susie says that Gillian "voiced her opinion" and GC felt like he was being attacked and quit. GC says this doesn't mean he isn't contributing to the team and quite frankly, some people on this tribe don't need the guidance he's supposed to provide anyway.
Probst asks Randy what the problem with the tribe right now is. Randy says they're a tribe of "eight individuals" and he wouldn't want to lead them, either. Which is good since he isn't. Annoyingly, Dan chalks up the tribe's problems to a lack of leadership. Don't complain about it if you aren't willing to step up, Dan. Dan says people on this tribe aren't willing to stand up and become a target, then calls GC out for shaking his head. GC thinks he's being attacked again and says if everyone is so obsessed with having a leader then someone else can step up and volunteer. Of course, no one does. Crystal says it can be frustrating not to have a leader, but at the same time, they don't always need one. People are taking it upon themselves to do the chores that need to be done around camp. But she does think that when it's challenge time, they need someone to get everyone else to focus. Hey, Crystal? Don't you have experience as a team member, and in a very competitive, high-pressure setting as well? Perhaps ... I don't know ... could YOU lead the team in challenges? Oh, I guess not. Shut up then.
Probst asks GC if camp life has at least improved. GC says it has, and they now have the ability to catch fish. Probst looks genuinely impressed and asks Dan about Exile. Dan says it's a "good opportunity" but it can mess with your mind. Okay, it's not a year in solitary confinement. Get over it. Matty admits that he's concerned that Dan found the idol. Probst asks Crystal if anyone on Fang discussed that possibility. "You know we did!" Crystal says. Furthermore, she thinks Dan has the idol. Dan gets desperate and dumps his bag out on the ground for everyone to inspect for idols, calling Crystal "sister," which is weird. Crystal still isn't buying it. Dan says he doesn't have the idol and begs the team not to try to flush it out by voting for him. With that, it's time to vote.
Dan votes for Gillian, saying she's a sweet woman but this is how he thinks the group is voting. The editors hate Ken, so they show him stepping up to vote and dropping the cap of the marker. Gillian votes for Ken. Crystal does not stand up and announce she's voting for Gillian, but writes down her vote like everyone else. We don't see Randy's vote but his "sorry, I wish it wasn't you" comment leads us to think he's not voting for Gillian. Hmmm.
Probst asks if anyone wants to play his immunity idol. Dan doesn't move. First vote goes to Gillian. Second vote goes to Kenny. And then it's Gillian all the way. "Gillian, the tribe has spoken," Probst says. "Bummer," Gillian says. Ha! Best exit line ever. Well, it's been a boring, if hippo-tastic, season so far, but it's still very young. Unlike Gillian. Bummer.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com, especially if you know where she can get a really nice HDTV for cheap.
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