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Well, we lost one annoying smug bastard last week only to gain a new one this week, as Natalie finally breaks her silence with way too many interviews about how evil she is and how she's totally playing the game now, on day 30. Her confidence comes from the success of the new alliance of ladies, who have any and all men in their sights. After an awkward chat with Parvati, James and his infected finger are sure they'll be voted out soon enough, and he decides to go out in a blaze of apple speeches. The reward challenge is a the food auction, and it's Natalie who takes center stage, as she first bids on a mystery dish that turns out to be bat soup (which James eats) and then another mystery dish that turns out to be a bottle with a message telling her to send one contestant to Exile Island and take his auction money. Once Natalie ascertains that the immunity idol is back on the island, she sends Jason off and uses his money to buy yet another mystery dish, this time a huge chocolate cake she's allowed to share with three tribemates. Of course, Cirie, Parvati, and Alexis are chosen, while Erik pays Cirie to lick her fingers. Even though he's a weirdo, the girls decide not to vote him out because his birthday is the same day as tribal council. Instead, they decide to assume that Jason will get the immunity idol on Exile Island and as long as they can convince him they'll be voting James out tonight and Jason doesn't win immunity at the challenge, they can blindside him the exact same way they did Ozzy just a few days ago. Sure enough, Erik wins immunity and, after the girls search Jason's bag and find the immunity idol inside, Natalie tells him they're voting for James tonight and he says he trusts her. Because he's a complete and total moron, he does not play his idol, much to James's shock. Because James has never seen someone play the idol when it was totally obvious that he should, right? Anyway, Jason is voted out, but at least he's more gracious about it than Ozzy, who flipped everyone off on his way to the jury bench, where he sulked like a little boy.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!I don't usually recap the previouslys, but I'll make an exception in this case as it was so wildly different than what I saw on the actual show last week. Ozzy had the immunity idol and an alliance he trusted. His only competition was Jason, who barely beat him in one immunity challenge. Jason and Parvati were the last people left in an endurance challenge, and everyone promised not to vote Jason out if he stepped down. Jason has never seen this show before so he trusted them, and the "Favorites" immediately decided to vote him out despite their promises. Then Parvati -- and Parvati alone, with no help whatsoever from Cirie -- formed a plan to double-cross Ozzy and convinced others to join her. That night, a confident Ozzy did not play his idol and was shocked to become the second jury member. All thanks to Parvati!
For some reason, we don't get to see everyone's reactions as soon as they got back to camp from tribal council. Lame. Instead, we open on the morning, when everyone's had a night to deal with it and it's old news. Erik tells the Ozzy voters that he understands why they didn't include him in their plan, adding it was a good decision on their part as he probably would have squealed to Ozzy. Erik, you moron: Ozzy is out of the game. You no longer need to be loyal to him, and should not advertise the fact that you would betray the most powerful people in this game right now. This is only making you look like a less and less desirable alliance member, should the girls ever open their little club up to penises. Erik wonders where Amanda is right now. "She's probably bumming like crazy," he says.
She is, though not because her onetruelove Ozzy is gone, but because her awesome powerful alliance is destroyed and the chances of her making final four are much slimmer now. I mean, crap -- now she's going to have to, like, think and work in the challenges and stuff. Bummer! Amanda's talking to James, who graciously says that the girls made a good move. Amanda's not quite as pleased, and tells us that she's "very upset," and "what nerve" of Cirie and Parvati to go behind her back and vote out Ozzy, thereby making Amanda, James, and Erik look like idiots. Amanda apparently thinks she's playing Information, the game where everyone tells everyone else what's going on. Amanda says Parvati, Cirie, Natalie, and Alexis are an alliance now, and she's pretty sure they're going to take the men out. Which is fine for her right now, since she's a girl. Final Five for you, Amanda! And all you had to do to get it was sleep with Ozzy and sit on the beach with your mouth hanging open. And with all the men out by the final five and you being so huge, you may very well immunity yourself all the way to the Final Two, something you wouldn't have had a chance at with Ozzy and James around. It's time to make lemonade out of those lemons you're sucking on, Amanda! Amanda says when she saw that second vote for Ozzy, she thought "what the hell." It looked to me like she was thinking "gaaahhhh" at the time. "Every single person here wanted to vote for Jason," she says. Not everyone, Amanda! Just the people who were so comfortable in their alliance that they didn't feel the need to strategize anymore. Amanda tells us that she's ready to play now. "Game on. Bring it on. Like, let's do this," she says. I'll be sure to remember those words later in the hour when Amanda does absolutely no game-playing whatsoever (spoiler!).
After the credits, Cirie notices a cut on James's finger is looking infected. He put some coconut oil on it, but I don't think that's going to do a whole lot. "James' finger wasn't really doing too good," says the nurse, and I hope she wins this game, both for her sake and that of her patients, because then she can quit being a nurse. The last thing you want to hear when you stagger into the ER with a gaping head wound is a medical professional telling you, "Your head isn't really doing too good." Cirie says cuts tend to get infected in this place, as they live in a dank dark cave surrounded by rats and bats and no antibiotics.
Parvati walks up and spots James. She hesitates briefly, then announces that she just walked around the island three times looking for him. SUCH SACRIFICE!!!! Parvati really is trying to mend fences here, with all this walking. Parvati tells us that she needs to do some "serious damage control" with James and Amanda, and I hope she's not counting on that too much here, because they are pissed and will never trust her again. Say hello to your future jury, Parv! She says she knew this was going to happen, so she'll just have to take what comes. She's not too worried about it, though.
She pulls James aside, and he accuses her of voting Ozzy out because she got "paranoid." Paranoid of what? Of getting to the Final Four with him and then being voted out after he either wins the immunity challenge or plays his idol? What Parvati did may not have been "nice," but it wasn't "paranoid." In fact, I daresay it was "smart gameplay." James asks her what her plan is now and who she'll be taking with her to the end. "Girls," Parvati says truthfully. She realizes she won't be getting anywhere with James and says she's sorry for not being able to tell him about Ozzy. "Sorry's not what you mean. 'Ha ha' is what you mean," James says, somehow managing to be condescending even in defeat. He promises her things will be "awkward" from here on out, and starts that off by saying that Parvati is like Eve and couldn't just be happy with the Garden of Eden; she had to eat the apple. Since when was a Final Four in which Parvati had a slim chance of winning equal the Garden of Eden? Maybe for James it was. His chances would have been much better. He calls Parvati an "apple chewer," and says he's known that from the first day he saw her. And yet, he made an alliance with her because she was hot, so who's greedy now? "Hopefully you make it," James says. "Yeah. Hopefully. Because you wouldn't give me credit for having a plan anyways," Parvati says. Oh, truth comes out! Sounds to me like James's Garden of Eden, like the one in the Bible, is a place where women are meant to serve men's needs. He denies Parvati's claims that he thinks she's stupid, saying he merely thinks she's selfish. James tells us that he doesn't appreciate Parvati insulting his intelligence by trying to mask her deception in self-pity, but I don't think that's what she was doing. I think the men have been treating the women like useless idiots, be they deserving of the title or not, and now Parvati's enjoying being able to fight back. If you didn't like it when Parvati insulted your intelligence, James, imagine how she felt when you insulted hers over and over again. James says he sees what kind of a person Parvati is now, and he "can't stand it." Well, yeah, now that she isn't on your side and ruined your chances of winning a million dollars, you don't like her.
As the symbolic snake slides through some trees, Parvati continues looking for punishment, this time from Amanda. Unlike James, Amanda doesn't have any pesky pride clouding her judgment, so her reaction is much different. This may also have something to do with the fact that she knows she's safe as long as there are guys to vote out. Parvati assures her that she isn't "out of the loop" despite not knowing about Ozzy last night, and that the plan is a Final Five of all women. Amanda says that while she's really angry at Parvati, she can't show it, as Parvati is now "running the show." Amanda thinks Parvati has everyone wrapped around her finger, which is nonsense. For it is Cirie who truly has everyone wrapped around her little finger, and the fact that Amanda doesn't even know this is just further proof of her DOMINANCE. Cirie walks up to the girls to apologize to Amanda, and Amanda says she understands why they didn't tell her but is upset that they don't trust her. Cirie assures her that they do, but when it comes to Ozzy, there were special circumstances. With that, Cirie and Amanda hug and Cirie says she felt so bad for Amanda when Ozzy left. I guess that was her Sympathy Smirk we saw. Amanda tells is that she's taking what the girls tell her with a Micronesian money stone-sized grain of salt.
With that, we go to the reward challenge, which is the auction. The players take their seats and are very excited. They each get a wallet with five hundred dollars in it they can use to bid on items. Probst warns them that they are not allowed to combine money or share prizes, except that this will happen like three times in the five minutes. The first item is a covered dish, and Erik, Parvati, and Cirie place their bids until Cirie wins it for $120. Cirie is always DOMINANT, even in auctions. She hands Probst the money and tries to make a break for it, but he insists on counting the money before handing over the food. Good thing, too, as she totally tried to short-change him! Ha ha ha! I do love her. The rest of the cast responds with appropriate "OH!!!"s and "no she di'nt!"s as Cirie gives Probst the sixth $20 bill she claims she "forgot" about. She takes her prize: a hot dog dinner with French fries and all the fixings! Cirie is thrilled and digs in with great relish ["Ha! Relish! Oh, Sara M..." -- Joe R] while Jason looks on and pronounces the weiner "a fat one."
The item up for bid is again a mystery. Alexis looks hungry, so hopefully she won't, like, lose control of her body and fall backwards off the bleachers like the last time she was in a reward challenge involving food. She and Erik face off in a bidding war, which Erik wins with an $80 bid. He jumps up to give Probst the money, but Probst tells him to "hang tight." Poor Erik is confused, but Probst explains, as he pulls out an even bigger tray that is also covered, that he can either keep what he won or exchange it for this second mystery dish. There's not much strategy involved here when both plates are covered. Erik decides to exchange it, and Probst shows him what he didn't win first: a jar of octopus. Erik is jumping up and down at this point, figuring that the other plate must be something amazing. It would be funny if it was two jars of octopus, but no, it's a huge plate of nachos. Erik scampers back to his seat with his prize.
Another mystery item is , and this is less an auction than it is Deal or No Deal. Natalie wins an unseen bidding war to take the item for $240. Loser! Probst takes great delight in revealing that she just won a bowl of fruit bat soup, last seen at the merge feast. Actually, I think this is the exact same bat soup that was at the merge feast, because those bats are looking nasty. Natalie sits back down without taking the soup (what an ungrateful bitch!), so James volunteers to eat it. I think Probst thought he was bluffing, so he tells James to take it. James walks up and instructs Probst on the finer points of eating bat (you have to remove the skin first) as he chows down. Probst tries to look nonchalant and cool about it, but I think he's about to barf.
For the item, we finally get something uncovered: a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a glass of milk. The bids immediately start flying, and it comes down to Amanda vs. Alexis. Either Amanda is determined not to lose to Alexis again or she LOVES peanut butter and jelly, because she wins it for $280 and Probst can't believe her big spending ways. He makes some comment about people paying a lot of money for food when they've been deprived of it, like this is anything new to us.
The item is another mystery. Natalie takes it for another $240 and it looks like she got fucked again, because Probst lifts the cover to reveal a bottle. "Wow," Natalie says, so pissed off. Ah, but wait -- this bottle has a note in it. Natalie reads: "You must choose one person to go to Exile Island immediately and you take all of the money they have left." Not exactly grammatically sound, but the message gets across, and Jason's face immediately falls. He pathetically begs Natalie not to send him. She ignores him and asks Probst if the immunity idol has been re-planted there. Probst says yes, there is a new idol on the island with new clues to find it. Which means that going to Exile is not such a bad thing at all. Anyway, Natalie sends Jason, who is very upset. Meanwhile, Erik is still eating his nachos. Yum. Natalie points out that this is good for Jason, since he now has a chance to find the idol. "Like, I don't know why he's trippin'," Natalie says, suddenly sounding like an extra on the set of the music video for "OPP" (yeah you know me!). As for Probst, he's ready with a quip of his own, as he stares down Jason and says, "That's true. This time maybe you'll get a real one." He just couldn't resist, could he? Everyone tries to withhold laughter as Jason gives his money to Natalie and leaves the auction.
The item is yet another mystery. "This item comes with another layer," Probst says cryptically, and the bidding begins. I haven't seen James bid yet, and he doesn't do it this time, either, as the girls bid amongst themselves until Natalie, sick of winning things she can't or won't eat, goes all the way to $380. Probst lifts the cover, and at first I thought I was looking at dirt and ants and Natalie being an auction loser yet again, but no -- it's a HUGE chocolate cake. With shots on it! Natalie wants to eat it right now, but Probst tells her to hold up, as there is that second layer. He gives her a note that says she has to share the cake with three of her tribemates, and they only have sixty seconds to eat as much of it as possible. Natalie immediately picks Cirie, Alexis, and Parvati (oh snap, Amanda! But I'm sure you're totally part of their alliance), but waves her finger in their faces and says this cake comes with rules: "Seriously, don't hog the cake. I haven't had any food. I'm a little agro right now." Agro like the Agro-crag (TM Nickelodeon GUTS)! In all fairness to Natalie, she probably is hungrier than everyone else, as her mouth was apparently stitched shut over the last twenty-eight days. But now she can eat and speak! Probst generously allows her to eat the first piece before the time starts and the other girls dig in. She jumps up and down as she chews, which I'm sure the people who don't get to eat the cake really appreciate. Probst tells the girls to take the cake back to the benches so that they may be as close as possible to the losers while they eat it, and they go to town. It's gross. While James and Amanda look away and try not to hear the gorging girls' groans of pleasure, Erik straight-up offers $20 to each of them to lick their fingers. With fifteen seconds left, Probst tells them to start shoving chocolate down their throats as if they aren't already. The minute ends, and James mutters that that is just "too much chocolate" while the girls all think to themselves that yes, there is too much chocolate in Dabu and they'll be happy to get rid of some of it at the tribal council. Meanwhile, Cirie is always thinking, and she waves her cakey fingers in Erik's face and asks him how much he was going to pay to lick them. He says $20, but she's not buying. He raises the price to $40. "Is he serious?" James asks. He is, and so is Cirie, who jumps off and offers her hand to Erik, who licks it. "That's sad," James says; "something's wrong with that boy. He really has problems, poor thing." Meanwhile, James ate fruit bat soup. Twice. I'm just saying. And with that, the auction is over. I'd say Cirie made out best food-wise (protein-filled hot dog with starchy fries and tasty dessert) while Jason made out the best game-wise if he can find the idol. Then again, even if he does, he didn't make out very well in the auction of life when they were handing out brains, so he'll probably find a way to screw it up again.
Dabu returns to the beach, where Parvati says Jason is the luckiest person in the game right now. Natalie says she was stalling so someone would "help" her choose who to send to Exile, but no help was forthcoming so she had to make the choice all by herself. And the choice she made was, like, the worst one possible. Way to go, Nat! "If he gets that idol, I'm going to lose it!" Natalie says. Cirie says there's no need to worry unless Jason is good at figuring things out, which he definitely doesn't seem to be...except that he did find the idol's hiding spot last time. "The little bitch now has two days of sunshine with the immunity idol," Natalie says. Whoa, Natalie. "Guaranteed, hands down, the bitch'll find it. And that bitch being Jason," she says. I guess she really did "lose it" after all -- where's all this anger at Jason coming from, unless it's really anger at herself for basically handing him the idol? Alexis suggests that they search Jason's bag as soon as he comes back to see if the idol's there, which...is that allowed? If so, why don't the contestants just do that all the time? Like, James is mad at Parvati, so he can go through her bag and destroy all of her clothes. Then she won't have any clothes to wear and be cold and lose immunity challenges. Amanda helpfully supplies that Jason is "such a threat" in the challenges, all the better to get Jason voted out and not her or James with.
Over at Exile Island, Jason has to find the idol. He gets started on his quest as he tells us that he figures if he could find the immunity idol location the last time, he can do it this time as well. Sure enough, he seems to find the second clue easily as he tells us that the game has thrown him many curve balls, but since stepping down from the immunity challenge all of one day ago, things seemed to have really changed for him. Yes -- now instead of them all suspecting you're naïve, stupid, and easily fooled, they KNOW it. Jason finds the third clue and says that after having time to think about it, he realizes that Natalie chose him to go to Exile for a reason -- she wanted him to get the idol. He thinks they're going to work together to use the idol. WHY does Jason think that the hidden immunity idol is a group activity? Jason concludes that he can trust Natalie, since she was one of the people who didn't vote for him last night and since it's in "her best interest" to have him on her team. How, exactly? She has a five-girl alliance. Not only is he a physical threat, but they all hate him and have the numbers without him. Oh, why do I even bother? I can't even be mad about it, because Jason is that stupid. It is now sad and pitiful. And with that, he finds the idol. And now that he sees what a real idol looks like, he feels really dumb believing Ozzy's stick was an idol. How can he understand things like that and be able to follow clues, and yet, have no concept of effective strategy and the fact that people in this game will lie to you? Jason says Natalie sent him here to get this idol and it feels good to finally be on a successful team. "I feel the most comfortable I've felt in the entire game," Jason says. See you later!
We cut to shots of a spider catching bugs in its web, probably by telling the bugs that the web is not sticky and that they should trust her. And the stupidest of all the bugs believes the spider and thinks about how awesome it is to be on a winning spider-bug team. Then he's eaten alive. Sure enough, back at Dabu, the ladies are plotting against Jason. Cirie says they should assume he has the idol and will play it at tribal council, which means they'll have to make sure they split their votes the right way so that if Jason plays the idol, James is one who goes home and not one of them. They are determined that Jason not win immunity tomorrow, and Amanda suggests somehow convincing him to throw the challenge. If it were anyone else, I'd say, "Good luck with that, over-confident morons." But this is Jason, so I say, "I have all the faith in the world that they will be successful in this venture." Cirie says that Jason trusts Natalie more than anyone else, so she'll have to be the one to do the convincing. Natalie tells us that they're going to gain Jason's trust so that he won't play the idol and then they'll vote him out, blindsiding him just like they did Ozzy. Furthermore, she's hoping they can convince Jason to throw the challenge, thereby ensuring that he won't get the immunity necklace. Then, the worst case scenario at tribal council will be that he plays the idol and stays in the game, but at least the idol will be gone, as will one of the other guys. Best case scenario is Jason doesn't play the idol and both he and it are out of the game. Natalie says this will be brilliant and assures us that she doesn't like Jason at all. She's so confident about it that I'm hoping it blows up in her face.
James and Erik get the treemail, which says that for this immunity challenge, they'll have to learn from the past. Well, there's no way Jason's winning this one, as it involves learning. He's so bad at learning from the past that he'll probably trip over a stick during the challenge and lose time picking it up and hiding it in his bag, sure that it's a hidden immunity idol. Erik says that if Jason wins today, it will be either Erik or James going home tonight, and Erik's hoping it won't be him since today is his twenty-second birthday. Erik, who wears tiny running shorts from either the women's section of Sports Authority or the year 1985 and has the same hairstyle as my female second grade teacher, says he'll need to "get ferocious" today.
The girls hug Erik happy birthday as if they really care about him. Natalie tells us "if all goes to plan," Jason will not win immunity, nor will he play his idol tonight. So not only is she hogging camera time that could be going to, like, Cirie, but she's also telling us stuff we already know. If Jason does play the idol or wins immunity, James will be the one going home. Either way, Erik will stay, as, Natalie explains: "as evil as women can be, and diabolical and cutthroat and go for the jugular as women are and just suck blood, we do want Erik to have a good birthday." Hey -- speak for yourself, lady. I'm a woman, and I'm pretty sure I've never been evil or diabolical or any of those things. And if I was, I certainly wasn't proud of it. Nor did I drag my entire gender down into the gutter with me. Now that Natalie's finally talking, I really want her to just SHUT UP. And I will suck her blood to make that happen.
The contestants arrive at the challenge to some ridiculously over-dramatic music. Settle down, Survivor music people. I know you're bored with playing the Evil Women Flute song all episode, but still. That was out of control. Jason arrives and Natalie makes sure to welcome him back with a smile on her face. CUTTHROAT! Probst explains the challenge, which is a bunch of other challenges all mixed into one. Between the recycled immunity challenge and the auction, it looks like the challenge planners got this week off. First, contestants have to throw rocks at tiles to release puzzle pieces which are locked together. The first four to do so move onto digging in the sand for the key which will unlock the puzzle pieces. Players will then assemble their puzzles, which will form a wheel that they will put on a winch and spin it until two planks have been lowered onto a platform. The first two to do this will advance to the final round, where they will have to use the two planks to cross a rope bridge. Then they cross another rope bridge with disks like the one Erik leaped across until the time he missed and hit the platform, chest-first. First person on the platform wins immunity. I can't imagine why the challenge that almost killed three contestants isn't making a reappearance here. Perhaps they couldn't get enough pointy sticks to hide in the mud in time.
During the brief pre-challenge "strategy" time, Natalie drops her plan to convince Jason to let her win in favor of telling him to make sure James doesn't win, because he's the one they're voting out tonight. "Don't ask any questions," she warns, like this is some huge covert operation; "I sent you to Exile for a reason," she says, promising to tell him more when they get back to camp. Jason whispers to Natalie that once he thought about it, he knew she had a reason. Right now, Jason thinks he's the most important person in this game. He thinks this is The Matrix and he is Keanu Reeves. More like Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. Bummer, dude.
The challenge starts. James, Jason, Erik, and Amanda advance to the round. Way to go, Awesome Evil Ladies Alliance. All four of you are no longer in the competition. The men should consider their jugulars cut already. The second round starts, and James and Erik are the first to dig up their keys. James and Erik get their keys first. Jason also finds his, but is behind the other two. James is the first to get his wheel assembled and on the winch, followed by Erik. Amanda, meanwhile, is still digging for her key. She appears to have dug up her entire square, so either the key is buried deeper than she thought or she already dug it up and tossed it in the pile of sand without knowing or someone really messed up and didn't plant it in the first place. James is the first person to get his planks and move on. Erik will be the second. Amanda never finds her key. She is useless. USELESS! What happened to "game on?"
In the last round, James and Erik employ two different strategies on their bridges. James' sends him into the water, where his planks float away and he loses a lot of time getting them back. Erik, on the other hand, tortoises along the bridge, slow and steady to win the race. He's pretty far ahead, but James manages to make up quite a bit of ground. Nevertheless, Erik gets to platform first -- with James right behind him. The girls sit on their bench and hope for an Erik win, because they're just that determined not to vote Erik out on his birthday. I'm sure if Erik lost the challenge, they'd have no problem putting his name down, though. We'll never know, as Erik gets across the disks first and wins. The ladies are way too excited about this and then cover that up by saying they're glad he got a birthday present. James has to know that Erik's win is his loss, but he still smiles and congratulates him. What, no speech about how Erik is being greedy and eating the apple by winning the immunity challenge? Probst is surprised at the round of applause Erik gets for his win, which also includes Natalie blowing him kisses like the cutthroat bitch she claims to be. Poor Erik probably thinks they really like him or something, when they're really just dead-set on blindsiding someone for the second time in a row and therefore looking super-awesome to the television audience.
I would have thought they were out of spider stock footage, but no. We get another shot as the tribe arrives back at camp, which means it's time for more "girl power," a.k.a. "my gender is going to look even worse." I do not appreciate being compared to a spider, okay? I hate spiders. I wouldn't mind if they were all extinct, and you can save your "but then the world would be overrun with the bugs they eat" speech. I HATE SPIDERS! Two legs good, eight legs bad! Back from challenge, Erik hangs up his immunity necklace as the girls continue to cheer for him and wish him happy birthday. He walks away, which gives Alexis the chance to make a remark I still can't understand upon repeated viewings and Parvati the chance to squeal with delight that their plan is coming together. Not because of anything they did, mind you, but because Erik won the challenge. Cirie goes along with their glee so as to make everyone think she's just a follower and not the leader here. Parvati tells us that "Part A" of their plan is "perfect," except for the part where James almost won immunity and they have no idea who could be planning what behind their backs. Oh, and how they gave the immunity idol to Jason in the first place. Other than that, though, it's working like a charm. Parvati and Alexis laugh at how into cheering Erik on they were, and Cirie admits that while she jumped up and down when he won, she did not scream. Because she has dignity. I still don't get why they were so happy that Erik won. If James won, how much would their plan really change? They'd just vote Erik out, right? I think Parvati is just glad that James is going home because he's mad at her and it makes her uncomfortable. The girls head off into the woods, with Parvati and Alexis mimicking stirring cauldrons just to show us how awesome it is to be an evil woman. Either that, or they just really miss making spaghetti sauce. Parvati gloats that their plan is to confuse the guys and then "devour" them. Shot of the spider with two beetles the producers stuck in its web. I mean "that it caught on its own."
Jason stupidly (I should just use that adverb automatically every time he does something, shouldn't I?) goes off alone, giving the rest of the tribe the chance to plot about voting him out. But first, they want to make sure Jason stupidly found the idol, so Natalie looks through his bag for it. I hope Jason stupidly went through all of the girls' bags at some point and peed in them. Natalie and Amanda find the idol while Cirie sits back, not getting her hands dirty. They stuff it back in Jason's bag while Erik and James look on, shaking their heads. Cirie either says or asks if Jason will play the idol tonight.
Natalie tells us that she hopes she got her point across to Jason during the thirty seconds she spoke to him before the challenge. Jason is a moron, so I think it would take anyone several days to get any point across, no matter how simple that point was to understand. Natalie says it would be "perfect" and "brilliant" if the girls voted Jason out while he had the idol and he was blindsided the same way Ozzy was. Yes, that would be brilliant. You know what would have been slightly more brilliant? Not putting the one guy you want to vote out in a position to get the immunity idol. Please don't pat yourself on the back without slapping your wrist for that one, Nats. Natalie meets Jason on the beach, and he stupidly and earnestly thanks her for keeping her word to him after last week's challenge. Natalie tells him the plan to vote James out tonight, Jason stupidly admits that he found the idol, to which Natalie feigns surprise. Natalie says she made sure the idol was on Exile before sending him there, and that this is all as she "intended." Jason stupidly says that he knows this, and that the idol is here for the alliance to use however they want.
While the Evil Women Flute plays its evil tune, Jason tells us that he trusts Natalie since she kept her word to him when Ozzy and his alliance did not. "I'm gonna have to trust her now," he stupidly says, not understanding that the point of the immunity idol is that you don't have to trust anyone. "I think I'm pretty evil. I think I can be pretty evil," Natalie tells us. Dude, what was in that cake? Not only has it finally brought words out of Natalie's mouth, but it's unleashed a heretofore unseen personality as well. Odder still, that personality is one of a mustachioed cartoon villain. I guess that makes Jason the damsel in distress on the train tracks. Except in this case, he thinks the train tracks are actually for lumbar support and the approaching train is the Friendship Mobile coming to pick him up. "I'm in Game Mode," Natalie assures us. Good for you, dear. It's only DAY 30. Way to come here to play. Between Amanda and Natalie, I think I'm Game Moded out! "I'm actually having a lot more fun; I'm getting to be more myself," Natalie says, making a gesture with both hands that looks like the Universal Sign for boobs, which is ironic considering that Natalie's boobs are almost as fake as her friendly smiles. Natalie revels in the fact that the person she really is turns out to be "ruthless" and "stone cold bitch" and "cutthroat." Don't forget "unhinged" and "really annoying."
James asks Amanda what she's doing tonight. Amanda claims that she "searched every avenue," which, unless "every avenue" is "Jason's bag," I very much doubt. "I don't know what to do," says the woman who promised us the game was on. Sigh. I guess her peanut butter and jelly sandwich was made of suck. Right now, Amanda's big plan is to hopes that the girls are telling her the truth and Jason is going home tonight. If he plays the idol, though, she's pretty sure James will be gone. Hmm...here's a plan: the girls have to split their votes to make sure that James will be sent home if Jason plays the idol. That means they'll probably put in three votes for Jason and two for James. Which means that Amanda, James, and Erik could put in three votes for one of the female alliance members -- say, Parvati. If Jason played his idol, that James would have two votes and Parvati would have three. Sounds like it's worth a try, doesn't it? Even if Jason doesn't play the idol, it would be a tie between Jason and Parvati and then Jason would get a chance to beat Parvati in a fire challenge or something. It's risky, but it's a lot better than waiting to be picked off. And yet...nothing. James says he's planning on voting for Parvati tonight no matter what. And he wants Amanda to as well. Little Miss Game On makes a sad face and says she's going to trust the girls and vote for Jason. James says there's no way Jason would be stupid enough not to play the idol. "If he don't, that'll be tragic," James says feelingly. "That'll be awesome," Amanda says, eschewing serious game play for wishes and dreams.
Meanwhile, the girls and Jason hang out and make girl talk, the girls smartly surrounding him so that the others can't get to him, not like they have any intention of trying anything. Once again, we have to hear from Snidley Whiplash Natalie, who says she can't wait to floss her teeth with Jason's jugular. Then she smiles "adorably." Well, the joke's on you, Natalie -- the jugular is too big to floss even your teeth with, so you're going to get tarter build-up! Apparently, we haven't had enough Natalie yet this week, so she continues that no matter which guy goes home tonight, it will be a win-win situation for the girls, and they'll just keep picking the men off. She does a bunch of strange hand signals that I don't understand. Perhaps it's sign language for "crazy has never been this annoying."
The players arrive at tribal council and Probst calls the jury in. Of course, Ozzy can't help but flip everyone off as he sits down. Now you look like an even sorer loser on national TV, Ozzy. Hope that was worth it. I still don't understand why it's okay to make promises you don't intend to keep to the one guy on the tribe who has nothing to lose, but when you're the biggest target in the game and you get a surprise boot, it's totally wrong.
Probst starts things off pro-Ozzy by asking Parvati about the statement they made last week by voting off one of the biggest physical threats as well as "one of the biggest providers." Parvati says they can provide just fine for themselves, and have been for a while. Yes, Probst, it's true; more than one person on this show knows how to get coconuts and fish and crabs. Not to mention the giant feasts that come with every reward challenge. The only time when people cared about keeping the provider around was, like, the first season with Richard Hatch. Drop it already. Probst asks James if it's occurred to him that, now that they don't need providers (which James apparently is because he has a penis), he'll be going soon. James says things don't look good for him. Probst asks if it would be frustrating for James to get voted out after all he's done for these ungrateful ladies, who take and take and take but never give. I'll bet it would be less frustatrating for the ladies, as they would now be able to get a good night's sleep without James waking them up with his passive aggressive woodworking. James goes off on another apple speech, saying Parvati was "greedy" and "wanted to be in a better position." Such bitchery, wanting to win a game, the point of which is to win! How greedy of her to want to win one million dollars, especially since I'm sure James isn't here for the money at all and plans to donate any and all winnings to a deserving charity. But while James is being a huge hypocrite, he does manage to make sure the jury knows that Parvati was the person who engineered Ozzy's booting. At this, Eliza turns to stare at Ozzy, who sits up, shaking his head and muttering "bitch." Oh waaah! No one's ever been voted off of this show before, so your grievance is totally just, Ozzy. Meanwhile, Cirie sits there with no fingers pointed it at her and looks more and more appealing to the jury every day.
Probst asks Erik how it feels to have immunity. He says it sucks, and gives the necklace to James. Actually, he says it's awesome. Duh, Probst. Probst asks Jason if his social standing in the game has "truly" changed. Jason stupidly says it has while everyone else laughs at him. He just heard every guy say women were now voting them off because they were physical threats and all of the "providing" they did no longer mattered, right? Why would Jason think this doesn't apply to him? In order to give us at least some suspense, Jason stupidly adds that after being away from the tribe for two days while he was on Exile Island, he's not sure where he stands. Probst asks Natalie if it's possible to change one's status in the game so quickly. She says it most certainly is possible, somehow managing to refrain from adding "to make a sweet leather jacket out of Jason's skin," as Jason stupidly smiles. With that, they vote.
Jason stupidly votes for James. James votes for Parvati, as promised, and speechifies ONCE AGAIN about apples. That's three times that we saw on camera -- who knows how many times he said this that were cut out? He must have been talking about apples for the entire three days! That's why he didn't bid on the auction -- there was nothing in it made of apples. He only ate the fruit bat soup because there was a possibility the bats had recently eaten apples. James' favorite folk hero is Johnny Appleseed, and his favorite grandmother is Granny Smith. He only uses Mac computers and he's going to quit the gravedigging business so he can become a teacher and hopefully get shiny apples from his students. WE GET IT!
During the vote, Ozzy sits in the jury with his arms folded like a little boy. I can't believe he managed not to trip Parvati as she walked by him to vote. Probst returns with the urn and asks if anyone wants to play their idol. It's more like "Did Jason stupidly fall for your brilliant plan?" Everyone looks around nervously. James doesn't understand why Jason hasn't immediately stood up to play his idol, and it shows on his face. He may also be thinking "oh shit! I voted for Parvati! I should have voted for Jason! What if I get voted out because I voted for Parvati and not Jason? Also, appleappleapple." Jason sits there, looking calm and confident. He doesn't play the idol. James closes his eyes, feeling sorry for Jason already. He knows what it feels like to not play the idol when it's entirely obvious that you should. Probst calls an end to the idol throwdown waiting period, and James's eyes bug out. He can't believe Jason didn't play the idol. Well, I can. Jason is a fucking moron.
Probst reads the votes. First vote: James. Second vote: Jason, who is not pleased but probably stupidly thinking that must be James' vote. Third vote: James. Fourth vote: Parvati. Alexis frowns; how could anyone DARE to vote against someone in the evil women alliance? Fifth vote: James. He shakes his head, sure he's going home despite Jason's incredible stupidity. But then...sixth vote: Jason. His smile fades. The seventh vote is also for Jason, and even though he's stupid, he knows this is bad news for him. Sure enough, the final vote is for Jason, and he's gone. He scrunches up his face, and you can tell that he knows what an idiot he's going to look like when this hit the airwaves. And he's right! Congratulations, Jason -- you just might be the stupidest contestant this game has ever had! Shocked, James shakes his head and laughs. The ladies grin as if they pulled something amazing off when all they really did was hand the immunity idol to the one person they didn't want to have it and then outright lie to him and make him look like the stupidest person in the world before sending him to the jury, where he will be voting on which of them gets the million dollars. And they all look like unnecessarily cruel bullies to the viewing audience as well. THIS MIGHT NOT BE SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF. Probst extinguishes Jason's torch. See you later, idiot. But at least Jason took this much better than Ozzy did, and he had much more reason to be angry. Amanda reaches across to give James a playful pat, "accidentally" knocking into Alexis as she does so. Play on, player. Probst tells James to see medical about his finger (uh oh...but we'll worry about that week) and sends everyone else away. Eliza cracks up and nudges Ozzy, who is too angry to allow himself a laugh.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she's bored at work. Or you can try your luck emailing her at saramorrison@gmail.com with news that some Nigerian king died and she stands to gain ten percent of his fortune if she hands over her bank account info.