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James and Ozzy immediately regret booting Yau-Man when they realize that Eliza is sick and useless. (They even say it right to her face, which is pretty funny. Eliza doesn't seem to think so, though.) James keeps saying that he doesn't want Eliza to die, but if she does, I'll bet he has the name of someone who can bury her. Meanwhile, over at the tribe no one care about, Chet is the designated lazy player. He sits out the reward challenge, in which teams have to take coconuts with letters painted on them out of a watery cage and then spell a word with them. The fans take the lead, but soon lose it to the favorites, who have their coconuts out of the water and their word spelled out before the fans even retrieve all their coconuts. The favorites win four chickens and send Kathy and Ozzy to Exile Island. Kathy takes advantage of this opportunity to call Ozzy a scrawny little kid and not bother searching for the immunity idol, while the scrawny little kid finds the idol and even has time to fashion a fake one, Yau-Man-style. Back at camp, Eliza tries to convince Parvati to boot Jonathan, but Parvati doesn't seem to go for it, and Jonathan overhears them. Eliza = FAIL! For the immunity challenge, contestants strap themselves into some contraption from which they must unlock themselves, and then gather a bunch of necklaces hanging from trees and use them to solve a word puzzle. The favorites beat the fans handily. Back at camp, Mikey wants to boot Joel later and Chet now, while Tracy tries to convince Joel that Mikey should go . At tribal council, Chet owns up to sucking, and Mikey graciously agrees with him. Eric and Jason contribute their brands of nonsense, with Jason even daring to interrupt King Probst! In the end, it's between Chet and Mikey. With five votes, Mikey is voted out, and Chet lives to suck another day. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
My name is Sara M, and I'll be filling in for Miss Alli this week. And I must confess two things: first, I haven't seen this show since Palau. And second, I worked on this show during the Vanuatu and Palau seasons. Which is why I don't watch it anymore: after months of nine-hour days watching footage, I figured I had enough Survivor to last a lifetime. One thing working for the show did give me, though, was an undying respect for Jeff Probst. I used to think he was a smarmy talking airhead, but he's really not. He, like, runs that show. And that's probably all I can say about the show without violating the confidentiality agreement, so on with this week's episode!
Over at the "Favorites" tribe -- and I'm sorry, but I must object to the term "Favorites," because my favorite is not here. TWILA from Vanuatu was the greatest! I loved her. I can't believe they let that ass from Pearl Islands on and not her. And to let on Ami and Eliza from Twila's season ? That's a double slap in the face. Anyway, Cirie is mad at Ami for voting for her last night, and tells her so in front of everyone, including a slack-jawed Eliza and a coconut-chopping Jonathan. Ami says that she was understandably concerned about Cirie's trustworthiness. That, and Ami got to appeal to both alliances by not casting a vote against either of them, and instead voting for someone she knew wouldn't have been voted off anyway. Jonathan interrupts the ladies to state his annoyance with Cirie. He tells the camera that Cirie saw a better opportunity and took it -- at Jonathan's expense. Well, it was mostly at Yau-Man's expense, but Jonathan's, too, I guess. "The truth is that she's much more manipulative and devious than I am," Jonathan says of Cirie. Not to mention smarter! Cirie tells us that Jonathan is "just mad that he couldn't make [her] vote the way he wanted [her] to." Actually, I think he's mad that you played him, Cirie. It's okay to say that and be proud of yourself. Own it, Cirie! Jonathan wants to yell at Cirie around the campfire some more, but she says he doesn't trust her and she doesn't trust him. "Done!" she says. The look on Jonathan's face suggests that it isn't.
After the credits, we head to the "Fans," a.k.a. three old people who actually auditioned, and a bunch of models the casting agents found at the Saddle Ranch bar on Sunset Strip who have never seen this show before. And a motley crew they are indeed! We've got an Unfrozen Caveman Firefighter and some Bob Dylan-looking clown sitting around the fire. So far, so pathetic. They wonder who was sent home last night, and figure it was between Eliza and Yau-Man. Joel tells us that there was either "distension" or "dissension" (he kind of stumbled over the pronunciation, so I'll just give him the benefit of the doubt and say he said an actual word) amongst the tribe, so winning the immunity challenge was a good thing for them. Whereas, had there been no dissension, winning the immunity challenge would have been bad, I guess? Suddenly, the producers throw an eel on the beach so that the tribe can kill it and get some protein. Kidding about the producers thing! Survivor is actually surprisingly un-manufactured. I've worked on other shows where they do multiple takes and stage stuff, but Survivor was not one of them. What you see is pretty much what happened. I'm not sure what possessed the eel to beach itself like that, but maybe it's a member of the "Fans" tribe on Eelvivor and is therefore prone to such stupid and ultimately self-defeating moves. Anyway, the eel is caught and killed by two more goofy clowns with matching girl-hair. How long have they been on the island? Eleven days? There's no excuse for hair like that. Even Robinson Crusoe probably managed to fashion some scissors and a comb out of clam shells.
While the group prepares some eel pie, Personal Trainer Natalie tells us that her role in the tribe has been to keep her head down and work, whilst Chet's appears to be to keep his head down and not do anything. Natalie seems to be hoping that someone else will notice this and do something about it, because she doesn't want to make waves. Or get much camera time, apparently. We cut to Chet sitting around in the water while Mikey watches him from the shore and gets pissed off. I'm just glad this show finally found it in its heart to show us a lazy tribe member who isn't black. I guess things have changed since the last time I watched a Mark Burnett show. Jason says that if he acted as lazy as Chet, his mom would "spank" him when he got home. Hmm. Well, that interesting family dynamic is something for us all to look forward to seeing if Jason makes it to the family reward challenge. Jason could really use a spanking from Edward Scissorhands, though. Mikey decisively tells us that Chet is bad for team morale and will be going home soon. So I'm sure that's exactly how things will play out.
Back at the tribe with people we actually want to see, James sees Perennial Law School Student Eliza Chetting it up on the beach, and asks her if she's feeling okay. She's not, so James kindly offers her water or a coconut before not-so-kindly telling her to "suck it up." James's mood regulator appears to be a seesaw. Eliza tells us that she's sick and has swollen glands (uh...TMI, Eliza. I don't need to hear about your glands), and that this isn't helping her to make her case that she's not the weakest person there. Oh well, Eliza. Maybe if you ever finish law school, you'll learn how to build cases. We cut to the symbolic nature shot of a moth caught in a spider's web. Also, the spider is holding a tiny little shovel perfect for digging graves in one of his eight hands. James and Ozzy talk about how they should have voted Eliza out last night because she's dying. "We're stupid," James sighs. He tells the camera that he wants to eliminate the weak and keep the strong (yeah, right. Everyone on this show says that, but no one ever means it), but that, thanks to Cirie, he kept their weakest player in the game.
Back at camp, James and Ozzy continue to discuss how wrong they were not to vote out Eliza, and how dumb it was to vote out Yau-Man instead. "I'm still sitting right here," says Eliza. HA! James has no shame. That's funny. Might not be the smartest move, but funny. Eliza might be "weak" physically, but she's not stupid. And now she'll be gunning to get rid of James. Although everyone seems to hate her and want her gone as soon as possible anyway, so there probably isn't much magic for her to work. Then again, that's the way it was for her during her season, and she managed to make it to the final four. "You're about to die. I don't want you to die," says James. Oh, I see. He's just concerned. Because he knows that if Eliza does die, everyone's going to stand around and say, "Who should bury her? Someone should. I would, but I don't have much experience in grave-digging. If only we had someone here who did..." and then everyone's eyes will slowly focus on James and he'll have to do it. Eliza insists that she's lying around now to save up her strength for the challenge. She tells them that whatever she has is not contagious, since she's apparently a medical school student as well as a law school one. Either that, or she's faking sick and knows it, but I can't understand why she'd want to do that. She says that she'll do better in the challenge than Yau-Man would have. "We'll see, darling," says James, so condescendingly. Aw, why be an asshole to Eliza? It's not her fault you voted for Yau-Man -- it's yours. Be an asshole to yourself if you must. Eliza tells us that James and Ozzy made her feel like crap. She tells James that this doesn't make her want to perform well in the challenge, which is an empty threat, since James clearly doesn't think she'll perform well in the challenge anyway. "You're sick AND you got attitude?" James laughs. "I hate these people. I do," Eliza tells us. She hopes they get sicker than she is and have to be removed from the game. There's another way to remove them from the game, Eliza -- get off your ass and plot and scheme and get them voted off like everyone else!
Reward challenge! The Fans -- well, Kathy at least -- are shocked to see Yau-Man gone. Probst explains the challenge: four team members will dive into the water and get team-colored coconuts with letters on them from an underwater cage. Once they get all the coconuts, they'll bring them back to shore, where their remaining teammates will unscramble the letters into a word. The winner gets three hens, a rooster, and chicken feed. For the longest time, I thought Probst was saying "chicken feet," and I was like, "Duh. I'm pretty sure all chickens come with feet. Unless they're those KFC chickens I've heard urban legends about." Probst tries to convince the contestants not to immediately slaughter and devour their prize by extolling the virtues of delicious, nutritious eggs. Eggs are great and all, but even if you keep the hens alive for eggs...why do you need a rooster? Your days are numbered, Foghorn Leghorn. And that number is one. There's also the Exile Island thing. The Fans shock no one by choosing to sit out Chet, and the challenge begins. The fans take the lead as Jason grabs a coconut and makes his way back to the platform, while Ozzy stays down below, pushing all of his team's coconuts forward in a little something I like to call "strategy." This is not lost on Joel, who warns Jason from the sidelines. Ozzy finally emerges with a coconut, and the Favorites quickly take the lead, since all of their coconuts are now sitting in the front of the cage waiting for them. At one point, Jonathan's coconut pops to the surface before he does and Jason makes a move to push it away, but he doesn't. Dumb. Natalie briefly loses her top in her efforts, giving the cameraman a little teat. I mean, "treat." The Favorites get their coconuts and make their way to the shore so that the other half of their team can take over. In a move that must have seriously pissed off Eliza, James is the one who figures out the word: "Triumphant." The Favorites get their word spelled before the Fans even get all of their coconuts. That's kind of a shame, just because I wanted to see Unfrozen Caveman Firefighter try to spell. Oh well! Probst congratulates the winning team, adding that it's up to them what they do their clucking prize. James is licking his lips, if that's a hint. The Favorites send Kathy back to Exile Island with Ozzy. The pair walk off hand-in-hand.
After the commercial, we go back to the Fans and a continuity error: that's Kathy I see walking back to the island with them, and she's supposed to be on Exile Island! Oh wait -- that's not Kathy. That's Erik. He's wearing a yellow shirt just like hers and has the same hair, so, easy mistake. Joel tells us that it's always a bummer to lose a challenge. Duh. He then recaps that the Favorites have won every reward challenge so far. Why do we have to hear what Joel thinks about everything? I don't care what he thinks. Have we heard Erik speak yet? Maybe he has something, like, less obvious to say. Joel says that the other team is living large compared to them, whereas the Fans have got "jack squat." And three hundred pounds of hair. Alexis speaks up only to sing Ozzy's praises and say that Kathy is so lucky to get to spend time with him on Exile Island because she'll get to eat and stuff. Erik finally does get to talk, and I see that he's an "ice cream scooper." Wow. I was sort of expecting the chyron to read "'70s teen idol who grew up to be a heroin addict and also got in a car accident that paralyzed his friend and made for the best Behind The Music EVER." But it's just ice cream scooper. Maybe after his appearance on this show he'll get promoted to the cash register. Dream and you can achieve, Erik. Anyway, his contribution is a guess that Kathy isn't looking for the immunity idol right now.
Over at Exile Island, Ozzy shows Kathy how to chop a coconut. She's impressed to see such power from a "scrawny little kid." I can't imagine why the rest of her tribe doesn't seem to like her, if she's giving out back-handed compliments like that. "I wish I was on [Ozzy's] tribe," Kathy tells us. Well, you're not, and you never will be, because I doubt you'll be coming back as a Favorite or even a "Favorite" any time soon -- not unless you start, like, trying to survive. Instead of being impressed by someone else's coconut chopping skills, why not perfect your own? Kathy tells Ozzy that it's great to go to Exile Island because she can learn from the person who gets stuck with her. One thing she will not learn is to freaking try to look for the one thing that will keep her in the game longer: she then tells us that she doesn't care about finding the immunity idol. "I did that -- done that -- been there and I don't feel like doing it no more," Kathy says eloquently. Well, I very much doubt that she sells many sodas or beers on the golf course with that attitude.
So, while Kathy "tries" to start a fire (I'm betting she failed), Ozzy heads for the water to get some food...and immediately goes running off to look for the idol. He tells the camera that he's already found two clues and is hoping to find more before the sun goes down. Hint, hint, cameraman -- leave him alone! He's busy. He finds four clues, the last one pointing him toward the dock and telling him to look above it. There, Ozzy finds the idol! He's thrilled, but now he has to get it back to camp without Kathy noticing. He accomplishes this by sticking the idol under his hat and strolling nonchalantly back to the beach, where Kathy doesn't notice that Ozzy is wearing his hat, like, perched precariously on his head. I mean, you can practically see the idol's little feet sticking out from under it. Kathy probably just thinks this is another one of Ozzy's cool survival tricks. When she isn't looking, Ozzy transfers the idol from his hat to his bag. Too easy. He still has some time, so he decides to carve a fake immunity idol and put it back in the spot. While Kathy thinks he's off looking for some more food, Ozzy manages to chop off a piece of wood and strip all the bark. At one point, Kathy comes over to see if he's caught her dinner, and he has to stick the knife and fake idol behind his back. It's like a bad sitcom, but Kathy is totally oblivious. In the end, Ozzy has to admit that his immunity idol isn't very convincing (and he's right), but he sticks it back in the hiding spot anyway. "It's worth a shot," he shrugs. Perhaps, although I think the only people dumb enough to fall for that wouldn't be smart enough to find the hiding spot in the first place.
Back at the Favorites island, Cirie tells the chickens that they'll be in her belly soon. Eliza also talks to the chickens, wondering which bird-like creature will be eliminated first between them. She takes Parvati aside and asks her whether she's voting for Eliza tonight if they lose the immunity challenge. Parvati says that she doesn't know whom she's voting for yet, which means she's totally voting for Eliza. Eliza promises to be loyal to Parvati until the end, whereas Jonathan can't make that promise. Parvati says that Jonathan would make such a promise, but she doubts that he'd keep it. Which, by the way, is just as true of Eliza. And of everyone else who's ever played this game, except for Rudy. Eliza tells the camera that she's hoping to avoid getting voted out by virtue of everyone's realizing that Jonathan is more dangerous than she is. Funny thing to rest your hopes on -- another player being better at this game than you are. If you want to employ the fly-under-the-radar strategy, Eliza, you're supposed to shut up once in a while. Parvati says that Eliza has a very valid point, so Eliza goes on to say that Jonathan is a "charmer" and an "actor," whereas Eliza pisses people off all the time. Meanwhile, a certain allegedly charming actor comes sneaking up behind the women and hears Eliza saying that they shouldn't keep him around. He seems less than threatened by this. "I feel sorry for her," he tells us of Eliza. Feel sorry for her all you want, but don't underestimate her. Eliza keeps trying to work her magic on Parvati, but there's no magic to work, as Parvati goes along with her to her face and then tells us that Eliza's saying anything she can to save her ass, and that if they go to tribal council tonight, Eliza will probably be the one going home.
Immunity Challenge! Kathy and Ozzy are returned to their respective tribes, where Probst asks Ozzy whether he had any luck finding the immunity idol. Ozzy lies (unconvincingly, but maybe that's because I know he's lying) that the idol search was a lot harder than he thought it would be. For the immunity challenge, six players will be strapped into this metal contraption of sliding bars that stick out like wheel spokes. They have to unlock themselves from the base using a set of keys, and then, still in the wheel-spoke thing, maneuver around the woods and grab colored necklaces. Once they get all the necklaces, they have to give them to their remaining teammates, who will line them up on a wheel with letters so that the beads with their team color on them are in front of a letter, and all those letters spell out a phrase. It's a lot less complicated than it sounds. The Fans try to stick a wig on Chet and say he's Tracy to sit him out, but Probst won't fall for that, so the real Tracy sits out for the Fans.
The challenge begins, and Jason immediately falls on his face. He probably couldn't see anything with all that hair in his eyes. Probst reminds the contestants that "teamwork" will win this challenge as the Favorites set about unlocking themselves. Erik, meanwhile, doesn't seem to understand how to use a key to unlock a lock. I guess they don't have locks at the ice cream parlor. I mean, even Unfrozen Caveman Firefighter figured it out on his first try. Poor showing, Erik. The Favorites unlock themselves first and work together to get through the course and get their necklaces, making it look incredibly easy. By the time the Fans are unlocked, the Favorites have almost all of their necklaces. The Fans have no clue even how to enter the course. At one point, they accidentally bump into Eliza with their spoke poles and then tell her "watch it" when she protests. Oh, they are such clowns. All of them! Except for Tracy, since she's sitting this challenge out. The Favorites make it to the wheel so that Eliza and Cirie can solve the puzzle. They quickly figure out that the first word is "tribe," making it easy to get the second and third words: "stays intact." And it will, as Probst pronounces them the winners, and Cirie is so happy that she jumps on James. Watch out, Parvati! Meanwhile, the Cousin Itts shake their heads sadly.
The Sprint Player of the week commercial has got to be kidding me, putting Jason alongside James and Ozzy as the player of the week. Even Yau-Man did better this week than Jason.
Upon their return to camp, the Fans look suitably defeated. Mikey tells us that they were soundly beaten yet again. "Yeah...yeah, we got some talent," he sighs. Now it's time to scheme his way out of danger of being voted off. His strategy tonight is to pretend to be on Unfrozen Caveman Firefighter's team, and then backstab him later on in the game. Meanwhile, what's with the Body Glove logos decorating both of Unfrozen Caveman Firefighter's shoulders? Anyway, "Fan" Mikey has clearly never seen this show before, because he wants to vote Chet out tonight and then boot Joel right before the merge. And just how is he going to know when they merge? Isn't it always a surprise these days? And has been since, like, the third season? Anyway, Mikey tells Unfrozen Caveman Firefighter that he thinks Chet should go . Joel wants Kathy out first (at least, that's what he tells Mikey), but Mikey says that Joel's vote for Chet will help him to earn back Mikey's trust. Which is super-important in this game, I'm sure.
Back at the camp, Tracy and Kathy talk about Chet. They love him, but he needs to suck it up, apparently. Chet enters the shelter and says that his mind is in the game, but that his body has given up. Aww...suck it up anyway, Chet. Tracy then tells us that she knows both Kathy and Chet are on the chopping block, and since they're both in an alliance with her, that means she'll be at risk soon, too. So she has to make sure neither of them goes tonight. "I'm gonna go down with a fight," she tells us. "Why not?" Well, it's about time someone fought for something.
Tracy and Chet take Joel aside. Tracy asks him whom he's voting for, and he says it'll be either Chet or Kathy. Tracy suggests Mikey. "It can't happen right now," says Joel. He thinks they need Mikey's strength. "Chet is weak, run-down," says Joel. It appears as though Chet is sitting right there when Joel says this, but I think that's just editing trickery. Tracy appeals to Joel's alpha maleness, telling him that Mikey seems to be the one calling the shots here -- and Joel is letting him. "JOEL SMASH!" says Joel, as he turns green and becomes enraged and splits all the seams of his clothes. Tracy keeps pushing, saying that she's angry with Joel for blindly following Mikey when he has a chance to take control. Chet and Tracy both remind Joel that he was the one who got Mary voted out, so Mikey will be voting Joel out the first chance he gets. Joel should do everything he can to make sure Mikey doesn't get that opportunity. Joel starts feeling uneasy, and asks Tracy whether she heard something. Tracy won't say anything for sure -- just that she's "intuitive." Then she stuns Joel with her math skills and says that she, Kathy, and Chet will vote with Joel. There are nine people in the tribe. So all they need is one more person to vote with them and Mikey is gone. If they can't do that, Tracy and her alliance won't be able to protect Joel and he'll be gone as soon as Mikey can make it happen. Wow, where did Tracy come from? She's kind of amazing. She and Chet walk away, pessimist Chet still thinking he's going home tonight. It looks to me like the times, they are a-changing.
The Fans arrive at Tribal Council, where Probst lies that he's sorry to see them there. Jason says that they've been getting beaten by the Favorites a lot, but that he's hoping the tonight's outcome will leave them with a stronger tribe. Joel agrees that it's important to have strong team members in challenges. Ah, but Joel -- it's important to have hunters AND gatherers. Isn't that what your people say? It's not just about strength. Except on this show, where it pretty much always is. Probst asks whether anyone will own up to sucking. Of course, Chet raises his hand. While Mikey and Jason shake their heads, Chet says that he was overwhelmed in the first water challenge, but that he also thinks there will be challenges that the team will need his skills for. Like what, exactly? A beauty pageant for his pageant training hobby skills? A Bugs Bunny lookalike contest? Please. Mikey has no problem speaking up and admitting that he also feels Chet has been weak. He doesn't think Chet has the capacity to compete anymore. Because Tracy is awesome, she raises her hand and points out that there have been challenges where she, Kathy, and Chet sat out -- and the team still lost those challenges. So how can they blame the "weak" teammates for those losses? Yo, Tracy is GREAT. I think I'm going to have to watch the rest of the season just to see how far she goes.
Mikey says that he's going to vote out the weaker people and he hopes everyone votes the way they told him they would. Leif Garrett speaks up to say that strength is important...but that it's not the only thing that's important. Jason looks worried. Joel agrees that there are different kinds of strength. For instance, there's being the "biggest, strongest guy" on the team, which Joel assures us he is, but that doesn't mean Joel will be the "number one person" in every challenge. Or in any challenge, from what I've seen this week. "You can run into a wall a hundred times, but that's not the best way to get rid of a wall," surmises Erik. Jason makes a "huh?" face. I just wish both of them would figure out the best way to get a decent haircut.
With that, Probst announces it's time to vote. He calls on Jason first, and starts to stand. BUT WAIT! Jason's not done. He puts up a "stop" hand and reminds the group that tonight's vote is important for their future. In other words: "Vote out Chet so we can win challenges." Meanwhile, Probst cannot BELIEVE this punk has the balls to step on Probst's lines like that. I'm surprised Probst didn't go to the voting booth and write down Jason's name for this. And Probst's vote counts for one million regular contestant votes, so Jason would get voted out. How DARE he interrupt Probst like that! THE NERVE! When Jason's finished with his stupid speech, the voting begins. Jason votes for Chet, saying, "Please leave the island." Chet votes for Mikey, saying that he's "been a loudmouth from day one and [he] never seem[s] to learn." And that doesn't sparkle with Chet at all.
Probst gets the urn and asks whether anyone wants to play the immunity idol. No one does, of course, so the votes are read. Chet gets the first two votes, and then it's Mikey with two. One more for Chet, then one more for Mikey. And then...four votes for Mikey, who looks at Unfrozen Caveman Firefighter and shakes his head. He didn't even know Joel knew how to write, let alone spell his name. D'oh! And with five votes, Mikey is toast. Jason shakes his head. Tracy earned the satisfied look on her face. Joel sits there and thinks that he made all of this happen.
And for his gracious exit speech, Mikey says he thinks Joel was the one who got him booted, and that the team will sorely miss his precious contributions. Ha!
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she's bored at work. Or you can try your luck emailing her at saramorrison@gmail.com with news that some Nigerian king died and she stands to gain ten percent of his fortune if she hands over her bank account info.