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We are back, this time in a probably fictional location called "Micronesia" (what's , hilarious jokesters? "Ittybittystan"?), where ten former contestants whom the show insists on calling "favorites" take on ten new contestants whom the show insists on calling "fans." Everyone has agreed to several shared delusions, including (1) these people, who look precisely like everyone else who has ever been cast, are the show's true "superfans," because Survivor is the only insane fandom ever with an attractiveness quotient well above average; (2) James and Ozzy are equally imposing, despite the fact that James won zero individual immunity challenges and Ozzy won approximately eight hundred; (3) Jon "Jonny Fairplay" Dalton is entitled to make up his own wrestling name and everyone else has to use it; and (4) the ten "fans" of the show totally remember who Eliza and Ami are.
After the obligatory "let's rock this thing" snickerdoodling from both sides and a fantabulous moment in which Yau Man drops Jon into the side of a boat with no ill regrets, there's an immunity challenge in which Eliza gets a bump on the head (perhaps she will awaken with an ability to shut up, which ability she has not gained since her time in Vanuatu) and the "favorites" get roundly thumped by a gang of gym rats and enormous fake boobs. Yau Man is immune on account of having found an early immunity idol, and it looks like Eliza might go down under the power of a pair of early showmances: Ozzy/Amanda (oh, fer...) and James/Parvati (EWWWWWW!). But then Dalton realizes that everybody is bored with his bullshit and that he's not going to be the center of attention, considering that the attitude is basically, "Oh, yeah, him. He might be lying, so...noted." So he capitalizes on the fact that he has recently knocked up poor ANTM Michelle, who has now undoubtedly had something on her face much more disgusting than flesh-eating bacteria. (Oh, yeah, I said it.) So he makes like he's all upset, and he fake-cries, and he asks to be voted off, and Probst is like, "Pussy!" It's all very dramatic, but at least he's gone. The end!
Incidentally, as far as structure, pop, and entertainment value, his was the worst episode in the history of Survivor, for my money. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Note to self: Do not attempt jokes supposing that "Micronesia" might be fictional. Micronesia has many passionate defenders, and they wish for you to know that she is not at all fictional. She will come with her tiny swords and her miniature daggers, and she will poke you and poke you and poke you. "Poke poke poke," says tiny Micronesia! "I poke you with wee implements!"
Previously on Jeff Probst's Guide To Testosterone: Fifteen seasons happened, including an All-Star season smack in the middle that was either very funny or fodder for a lifelong grudge with the bitterness of boiled lemons, depending upon whether you are Lex.
We open on -- and I know this will be a shock -- an expanse of blue water. The music is insistent and repetitive, coming as it does from the original score of There Will Be Coconuts. Unless the returning "favorites" have really put in a lot of extra time in the tanning booth (which I wouldn't rule out), these are locals of some sort with their faces painted, streaking across the water in their sleek little boat. You can actually tell that the ones doing the work are not contestants from the fact that they're paddling in unison and nobody is paddling with the wrong end. And then Jeff Probst is there, talking to us on his headset in a helicopter! All the ladies think he's rad. We float over Micronesia's little islands, and they're little, see? Micro-nesia! I always wondered why my maps said "Macronesia" instead of "Greenland." (I AM KIDDING DO NOT EMAIL ME.) (Be advised, by the way, that "Micronesia" is producer-speak for "Palau Yet Again.") And for the umpteenth time, we are assured that our setting has beautiful underwater animals and coral reefs that nobody at all is going to break off pieces of, RIGHT, punks?
And then, on a boat, we see ten people hanging out on the boat being paddled to shore. I'm pretty sure I must have already opened one of the NINE SEASON OPENERS I have written about by mentioning that if the contestants' boat should tip over, they can use almost all the women as flotation devices, but if I haven't, consider it noted here. Seriously, the giant-boobage is way, way, way out of control this season. Jeff assures us that the only thing these people have in common is being "fans of Survivor." And, in the case of the women, having giant boobs. And then he drops the already-defused bomb that these ten people don't realize they're going to be playing against...a tribe of "Favorites"! The first non-Probst words of the season come out of the mouth of my boyfriend Jonathan Penner, who notes that being a fan of the Boston Red Sox doesn't mean you'd want to play against them, because they'd kick your butt. Hmm, I see a few flaws in that logic, but wow, he still has beautiful eyes, so: objection waived! And then Jon "Calling Myself 'Jonny Fairplay' Is The Most Creative Thing I've Ever Come Up With, So I'm Sticking With It" Dalton assures us that he "played a perfect game last time," aside from the losing part, and that he considers himself the best player ever. Which is ludicrous, obviously, but you can kind of see this little pop in his eye at the end, where he goes, "Snack on THAT!," like, "I have said an extreme thing; people will talk about it all day!" He is nothing if not convinced of his uniqueness.
Parvati (ugh) is seen gathering her hair on the top of her head in a way she believes is H-O-T-T as she says she will be playing in a "no-holds-barred" manner. I believe that, actually, since I doubt there's a hold you could propose that she would bar. Yau-Man tells us frankly that there isn't any reason to come back and get dirty and rained on unless you intend to win the money. I'm so happy to see him. Cirie (yay!) reminds us that she's a couch potato just like we are. She looks great, though. I'm not sure whether she's just a bit slimmer or whether it's something else, but she looks a lot more...done up than she did before. James tells us that he feels like he half-belongs on the other team, because he's such a fan of some of these other people. Ozzy -- who has chosen a brown-mustard-and-white tank top of some sort and has cut off his mop of hair -- says that "everybody wants to beat [him] now" (heh), and he just hopes to show the same will he did before.
We return to Jeff, who tells us that they'll be creating a new society, blah blah blah Lord Of The Flies-cakes, and I am really distracted by how much one of the men on the "Fans" team looks like Martina Navratilova. Jeff is once again doing the pose where he's hanging on the side of the helicopter -- strapped in with 300 ropes and bungee cords and a few rolls of duct tape, all of which has been CGIed out of the picture -- as he reminds us that there are thirty-nine days, twenty people, and only one survivor. Well, only one more survivor. And then the helicopter dives down toward the mini-islands of Micronesia, and Jeff plunges to earth in a fiery...just kidding.
Credits. Indeed, it is the boobiest, Martina-est season ever.
When we come back, the "fans" are still being paddled to shore by the other dudes, and how come they don't have to paddle? Could this show be any softer, Chandler wonders? It's pouring rain as the fans land on the beach and walk up to Probst. Jason ("Gymnastics Coach"), a muscled but kind of smurfy-looking dude who very nearly has The Rachel haircut, tells us that this is one of his lifelong goals, to be on Survivor, and I kind of want to start crying. Tracy ("Residential Builder") can hardly find the words to tell us what it means to her, and I think she doesn't have that many words to pick from, quite truthfully. She also goes out of her way to talk about how amazing it was to see Jeff, and that's when I'm like, "Stop sucking up and trying to get your talking head on the TV, Buildy." Jeff breaks it to the group that they will be playing against "some of [their] favorite Survivors from seasons past." And they all get excited, because they all think it will be their actual favorite Survivors from seasons past, and that is only maybe...half-true.
The first one out is Cirie, whom everyone is genuinely excited to see. She's so nice and so appealing that I don't know how you wouldn't be. And then Ozzy, whom I think it takes a second for them to recognize without his hair, but then they go nuts. Erik ("Ice Cream Scooper") (for serious) tells us that he knows all about Ozzy, but that because he's competed in track and field, he thinks he can keep up. Hmm. Does track and field have swimming and scrambling up trees? No? Then I'm thinking that if you can keep up with Ozzy, that's not going to be why.
And then Ami comes out in a sort of blah blue dress, and everybody's like, "Ohhh...huh?" Because seriously, nobody has any idea who that is. This is why they should have used actual superfans, which these people, with a few exceptions, clearly are not. A superfan would have been like, "YAAAY!" or "BOOOOO!," depending on his or her gender.
The fans are very excited, however, to see Jonathan, so suck it, Jeff Probst. I think that may actually be the warmest reception yet. I was saying to someone recently that Jonathan has just aged beautifully as a contestant, in the sense that when he was on, he seemed awesome, but the more of the game you see, the more awesome he seems to have been. The straightforward way he handed the game to the good people instead of the dipshits and pretty much saved the season? The way he loved his wife all simply and non-show-offily? The total refusal to moralize about villains any more than you would in Monopoly? I think his legend has only grown, so I'm not surprised the fans are excited to see him.
And then Eliza steps out, and they have no idea who she is, either. Now, I have a weird soft spot for Eliza for a couple of reasons, despite the fact that I think she's really annoying, but I will say that for sheer memorability, she is the hardest pick in this group for me to justify, and the one I'm most surprised they made. Vanuatu is a really...barely-remembered season, and if people remember anyone, they remember Twila and Scout; possibly Chris (who won, remember?); perhaps Julie for being Jeff's girlfriend; and maybe Ami for being so mean. But Eliza? I really don't think so. I'm not being mean, I just...really don't think so. That doesn't make her a bad pick, necessarily, at all; I wasn't sure why they picked Amber for the first All-Stars, and she turned out to be part of a really interesting story the second time around. But if you're going for who people like and remember, I just...Eliza? Also? Still has eyes like a lemur. And the pink Yankees cap? Really? I didn't think anyone really wore those; I thought people just gave them to their wives and girlfriends as really ill-advised Valentine's Day gifts.
The crowd goes wild at the sight of James, and indeed, Jeff Probst reported in a recent media call that a good chunk, though not all, of the China season had aired, so these people do know who he is. My favorite part is that the big giant muscly dude on the fans team -- who, ten seconds ago, was The Big Giant Muscly Dude -- takes a couple of pokes in the ribs, like, "So that's not good for you, huh?" But he assures us (Joel, the firefighter, that is) that he was happy to see James, because he can't wait to dethrone James as the biggest, strongest guy ever. Hey, perhaps you can dethrone him by coming in better than seventh!
The funniest part of the whole reveal is where Parvati walks out, because everybody is like, "Wait, who? Ohhh...okay. The one...wait, she was on the white team? Okay, right. Yeah." And then there's this pause, and their brains all go, "Wait, her?" I guarantee you -- I promise -- nobody is over there thinking, "Parvati is one of my Favorites! Eeeeee!" That is some seriously polite applause she's receiving as Jeff Probst carefully pronounces "Par-va-TEE," and she turns around all sassy and says, "Thank you, Jeff." He was saying "Poverty" again a couple of weeks ago in actual time (not show time), so whatevs, studly.
Aaaaand...Yau-Man! And now the alleged fans are really, seriously happy. This is the one person, out of all ten, that the fans are most excited about, which kind of seems like it would cast doubt on Jeff Probst's constant stream of insistence that the Fiji season was a total failure because nobody "compelling" made it far enough. And by "compelling," Jeff means "Rocky." Anyway, these ten people think Yau-Man is very compelling, and they literally jump up and down with delight. Kathy ("Golf Course Vendor") (So she...sells things at a golf course? Sells golf courses? Sells time on golf courses?) pronounces his name "Yowman," as in, "My name is Stuart Yowman, and I am here to do your taxes," but she says that she was really jazzed to see him. She immediately gives me the heebie-jeebies, for some reason.
And Amanda comes out, and her bathing suit is a little less revealing than her last one, so that's a relief. She's got full-sized boy shorts on, instead of the cut-halfway-up-the-cheek ones that created so much trouble least season. She's also put on a bit of weight, which is good. I don't think the fans much care. They've already seen her ass; what's left?
Now, Jeff points out that they need one more "Favorite," and now it can be told. So Jon runs out from behind the rock with the "Will Lie 4 Food" baseball cap on, and it's kind of like...you know how sometimes, there's the one guy who was kind of the cut-up or the mascot at your high school or your college? And he didn't really have friends, but everybody kind of liked to have him hang around, because he was entertaining, like he was the "that guy will do anything" guy? And he'd be, like, running around naked with a Pop-Tart stuffed in his ass crack or whatever? And you'd laugh, and it was neither really with him nor at him, it was just...near him? Okay. If you go back to your reunion ten years later, and everybody has been doing all these great things, and they're all excited about their lives, and then he shows up and he's exactly the same? You kind of want to be generous enough to find it sad, and to feel bad for him, but secretly, you just think he's gross and you're so over him and you want him to go away so you can talk to the grown-ups. And this is like that.
Anyway, Jon does the thing with the fingers (read: "Pop-Tart in his ass"), and Jeff says, "Jonny Fairplay, who already looks intoxicated." Ha! Now make no mistake: that is not pretend or playful hate. That is real hate. Jeff Probst, according to many published reports, had this dude barred from attending Survivor functions. As in, "You can't come." As in, "Yes, it will be full of obnoxious asswads, because that's the nature of the beast, and yes, it will be full of show-offy drunks, but if you are there, you will spoil it." Jon is wearing a button-down and khakis, and Jeff asks if Jon is dressing like him (like Jeff, that is). "You want to know what you're playin' for?" Jon replies. So...that's his best mock-Jeff-Probst line, then. You guys, I fear that he may not be a genius. "I'm actually impressed," says Jeff. "I like to know that you have aspirations to get out of your current place in life." Yowza. Jon looks stunned, clearly is caught off-guard with nothing to say, chokes on his tongue for a minute, and then finally croaks out the lame-ass "Good to see you, Jeff, always a pleasure." Tracy tells us that Jon is a "pig," and that she would love a free moment to kick him in the shins. What I love about that line is that she doesn't really get all exercised about it, saying she thinks he's an immoral lying blah blah, she just says he's a pig and she wouldn't mind kicking him in the shins, which is just the kind of dismissive but disgusted attitude Jon warrants.
The rain is really, really coming down, as Jeff assigns the tribe names and hands out buffs. Alexis ("Motivational Speaker") says that she loves the fans/favorites split. I'm really tempted not to like her because of that phony-ass job title (I'm not sure how many twenty-four-year-olds are qualified to be motivational speakers), but her bio indicates a lot of work to improve girls' self-esteem, says she's an athlete (which I was recently complaining they don't have nearly enough of when it comes to women), and says she's working on a book about the psychology of girls called Comatose Barbie, which is a fucking awesome title. So now I hope she doesn't suck. She also makes the very fair point that the favorites have the advantage of experience, but they also have the disadvantage of being known, as far as their strengths and weaknesses. I hate to agree with anyone I don't know yet, in case I really regret it later, but I agree with Alexis there.
Jeff explains that, across the water on the other beach, there is a boat for each tribe. Each boat contains a map. There is also, hidden on the opposite island, an idol for each tribe. That idol will be good for the first tribal council the tribe attends. First one to get it gets it. And then Jeff kind of...says they can go, and they all take off running toward the water. I can't believe he passed up an opportunity for a "Survivors ready" moment. The water is roughly chest-deep, so there's some swimming but also some running/walking through the water. First out of the water on the other side is Erik, followed by Ozzy. Erik tells us that he was very happy to beat Ozzy over there, although of course, Ozzy wasn't competing for anything against Erik and logically wouldn't have reason to knock himself out trying to get ahead of him. Powder dry, there, Mint Chocolate Chip. It's a marathon, not a sprint. And you know who knows that? Ozzy. But as everyone shows up and starts looking for the idols, their location isn't entirely clear, and it turns out not to really be about getting there first. Jon tells us that he figured it would be in plain sight, so he saw it hanging on the boat and took it. Of course, he is a moron, so he takes the one on the wrong boat. As he realizes it and dashes over to the right boat, he meets up with Yau-Man, who's wise to the situation and also runs for the idol. As they run, they're sort of running into each other, and Jon trips over his feet and takes a header into the side of the boat. It mostly happens because Yau-Man is ahead of Jon, and Jon turns to try to block Yau-Man with his body, and that's how he winds up flying into the boat. Yau-Man emerges with the idol. Yay! Jon starts whining that Yau-Man tackled him into the boat, blah blah blah. They do wind up tangled together, but there's no tackle. Yau-Man comments in an interview that the idols seem to gravitate toward him. He then sees weird old Kathy wandering aimlessly down the beach. When she tells him that she has "no idea what's going on," he figures she's a pretty good choice of someone to keep around for an extra week, so Yau-Man tells her, "Pick up that," and he points to the idol Jon originally grabbed, now lying on the sand. She grabs it, and she's ecstatic. Jon returns to whining about being "tackled," and if the rumors are true that this was one week after he got his ass handed to him by Danny Partridge, then I kind of understand why being tackled by an old man would be a difficult road. So he tells us Yau-Man isn't really that nice, and he hopes you will accept this controversy and take its hand and care about it a lot. I know you won't, because I know you, and you're too good for that.
The tribes get into their boats and take off to find camp. As they paddle, Jon is whining about Yau-Man to Jonathan, and considering how Jonathan felt about Parvati and Adam and other schmos and how he didn't want to wind up in the "clown house," as I seem to remember he called it, I wish Jon good luck with that.
The tribe of fans, known as Airai, pulls up its boat on the beach. Jason prattles on that this is everyone's dream, and they're so excited, and so forth. As they all chat, Chet (the guy who looks like Martina Navratilova) says, as Alexis did earlier, that the advantage is that they know all about the favorites and the favorites know nothing about them. "Mikey B" is identified as an "Aspiring Writer." Let me tell you something, Mikey B. There is no such job as that. Writing isn't like acting -- you can't really act, whether or not anyone will put you in anything, so there is such a thing as an "aspiring actor." But writing, you can do by yourself, so there is only writing and not writing, and if you write, you are a writer, and if you don't, then you aren't, and if you want to go by occupation, then presumably if you're not being paid to write, you're being paid for something else, and you can write that down instead. But there's no "aspiring writer." But anyway, Mikey B says that the tribe includes "Big Bird" (Kathy), "the southern princess" (somebody), "the Incredible Hulk" (Joel), "Jon Bon Jovi in his prime" (Jason, HA HA HA), and "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" (Chet, and...get a new gay reference, Mikey B -- and not Will & Grace).
And then, like, the strangest conversation ever happens, when Kathy starts quizzing Chet about being gay, and she's not sure whether she can say "gay" or "homosexual" or what, and clearly, Chet doesn't care, because that is the least of his worries about the way this discussion is starting. And then she asks whether, if she calls him gay (or if he is gay?), that means he wants to "be a girl." He's like, "Yeah...no." And then she gives this hilarious interview in which she says she just doesn't have any homosexual friends, but she thinks she worked with a homosexual back in the 1980s. Hmm...homosexuals of the 1980s...it wasn't Jm J Bullock, was it? Because he's one, you know. Were you involved in diving? Because also, there was that Greg Louganis. I'm just thinking out loud here. "I hope you can be my first gay man friend!" Kathy enthusiastically tells Chet while shaking his hand vigorously. And then they hug, and he points out to her good-humoredly that he will most likely just be the first one she knew about. Alexis interviews that Kathy is a little awkward and strange, certainly. And then we watch as Kathy tells Tracy she's never seen implants up close before. And then Jason interviews that when "the crazy lady found the immunity idol" (heh), they were all a bit dismayed, because it was pretty clear that she was probably the one they would have targeted first. Kathy says to the camera that she probably "got off on the wrong foot," and might have been better off shutting up. You think? Well, maybe about some things, but I'm sure sexuality and fake boobs are safe topics for breaking the ice. Right?
Now, we swim with a shark and then head over to Malakal, the "favorites" tribe, where they're taking a look at their surroundings. Ozzy interviews that experience is their advantage. Eliza wants to make a pact that they'll beat all the fans; Ozzy wants to work on the shelter. Jon interviews that this is different for him, because before, he was "on the prowl," and now he has a girlfriend (poor thing) and a baby on the way (...even poorer thing), so he's playing for them. The favorites all work on the shelter, and Jon hilaaaariously tells everyone that he got a message in a bottle that said his grandmother died. I don't know about you, but I'm thinking dude could use a new joke. James tells us that he likes the fact that everyone actually works in this group. "For now" being, of course, the obvious qualifier. "I almost wanted to give somebody a hug!" says James. As you know, for James, that's really saying something. Ozzy has fetched a giant snail, and Amanda is feeding James right from her hand. I didn't need to see that. They work on the shelter.
Parvati interviews that she totally is going to win this time, and it's her second try, so she has to. She says, as the rest of us already know, that there was nothing to her Cook Islands game except flirting, as we see her slowly attach herself to James's hip. She offers him a piggyback, and he jumps on her, and it's all going to be downhill from here, you can just tell. She swears to us that while she may look like she's flirting, she'll actually be "playing smart this time." She also says that James is really the only guy she can flirt with. (Jon has the girlfriend, Jonathan is married AND ridiculously out of Parvati's league, Ozzy she's already had if the rumors are true, and Yau-Man probably is immune to her charms, I suspect, so...right on.) James interviews that Parvati is "attractive" and is "one of them sex-kitten types," which he digs. Is Parvati a sex kitten? Can you call a woman you just met a sex kitten? I have questions.
That night, Ozzy and Amanda have a chat about how honest and trustworthy he is, and how he's one of her favorites! Eliza does an absolute classic Eliza-style interview, in which she snippily says that she has "keen powers of observation," and that she has noted that Amanda and Ozzy are clearly circling each other, as are James and Parvati. So the way Eliza has it figured, those four people need to be taken care of, since you don't allow pairs to go very far, AHEM. You might remember this lesson from All-Star editions or something. And then there's this great moment where they're all saying good night, and Parvati is like, "Good night, favorites!" all chirpy. And then you hear Jonathan grumpily say, "'Night, favorites," in this disgusted scowling voice, and it's so awesome. He hates Parvati's guts so much, you guys. He has one fear at this moment, and it's losing to Parvati. And that really makes me...if he turns into the Lex, I'll cry until my pillow is soaked with bitter tears.
The fans, meanwhile, are still working on their shelter, because they took a little too much time, they say, to decide what they were doing about a location. They huddle as it starts to rain, hard, and I sense that they're all beginning to get a sense of what this may be like. Kathy is all weepy as she talks about how hard it is, and I'm thinking that is not a good sign for her ability to cope. I mean...it's the first day, lady.
The morning of Day 2 comes to the Malakal tribe (of favorites). Ozzy appears to be rubbing something on Amanda's back, and Parvati is all craftily saying to James that she's "sleepy," and he's all smiling with the "I know you are," and DID THEY DO IT ON THE FIRST NIGHT? Because...yeesh, people. Don't you have any respect for dramatic structure? Give the editors an opportunity to build a little tension. And let Production hide the lipstick cameras. Elsewhere, Ami, Eliza, Yau-Man, and Jonathan decide that they will form a little alliance. Four people, and they figure that the two couples will also be a foursome. "I love you guys," Ami and Eliza both chant, and you can sort of imagine the looks on Jonathan and Yau-Man's faces, even if you can't see them. Eliza interviews to recap the situation, and then they all discuss what person to get for a fifth. Jonathan wants Jon. Blech. Eliza wants to throw up.
Meanwhile, Parvati and Ozzy (the latter of whom is wearing a goofy straw hat that makes him look...comical, to put it politely) take a stroll with Jon and tell him that they're voting out Eliza. Parvati is sure they can get James and Amanda, and she counts on her fingers to arrive at the conclusion that this will be five, if he goes along. Ozzy interviews that they're concerned about how sneaky Eliza is. Ozzy interviews that because of the "villain persona," Jon might just run around doing the opposite of whatever he says, but Ozzy seems to have the scent enough to know that to get to six votes, they have to have him. Jon, meanwhile, talks about how he's getting along with everyone because he's so "likable" and "nice," and he reminds us that he lies really well, in case you forgot. Did you? Oh, you didn't. Good.
So Jon goes over now and talks to Jonathan, Eliza, and Ami about how James, Amanda, and Parvati want to vote out Eliza, but he thinks Ozzy should go. Jonathan is like, "OR PARVATI," because he can't stand having Parvati within twenty feet of him or within three hundred yards of a lot of money. Jonathan cautions everyone that Parvati has a way of manipulating people, and he interviews that in the social sense, he's more afraid of her than he is of Ozzy. Seriously, I wouldn't go after Ozzy yet. Right now, the challenge prowess is good. Wait a bit longer. Jonathan further interviews that Jon is a "gem" for an alliance, because he always needs you more than you need him. I think Jonathan's exactly right...in about two weeks. Right now, you need him a lot, and he could theoretically go with the other foursome, if you accept the theory that there are two foursomes. So I think Jonathan's thinking -- that you want to take a person other people don't trust because he won't have other options -- is sound, but it's problematic for just this first week or two. You'll notice that this doesn't usually happen: the first boot isn't usually a war between alliances, because people don't have time to form them. The first one to three boots in a season are usually generally agreed upon, because people are still feeling each other out. This is fairly new territory, this four-on-four with two swing votes kind of deal.
And where's Cirie, anyway?
Jon gloats in an interview that they're all stupid enough to trust him, like they've never seen him before. As usual, he's an idiot at the moment when he believes he's a genius -- just like in his own season, when he tried to make a deal with Lill right before collapsing. None of these people trust him; they just need another vote, and they don't have a lot of other choices. There's not a person who's talked about Jon who doesn't understand who he is or what his nature is, but the fact of the matter is that he's got to vote for someone. Everyone knows he's probably playing both sides -- in fact, he's telling them he's playing both sides. They're just hoping they win the toss.
Back from commercials, we are at Malakal again. Yau-Man is trying to start a fire using a drop of water on his glasses to magnify the sun and focus it on a dry coconut husk. "The sun is almost vertical enough that this should work," he tells us. Everyone else, meanwhile, relaxes out in the water, the warmth of which Parvati comments upon. "It's like pee water!" she says with a grin. Thus did Parvati lose her membership in the municipal pool. And then Yau-Man, being assisted by Ozzy, gets the fire lit, and Ozzy calls out for wood. Eliza, in the water, gasps with joy. Everyone cheers, and Eliza explains in an interview why this was so important -- they can eat, they can boil water to drink, and they're "ready to kick some butt." Well then.
Over at Airai, Chet and one of the ladies (sorry, I'm not sure!) are walking to treemail, talking about how they'd like to get some food, and that she'd "eat rat guts right now." Wow, desperate! They return to the group with the treemail, which seems to indicate a puzzle. "Yay, I love puzzles!" Kathy offers. Mikey B interviews that he thinks the "favorites" probably think they're going to be easy prey. He enjoys being the underdog. Well, everyone on these shows prefers to be underestimated, so it makes sense.
So now we're at the challenge, and Jeff calls everyone in. Asked to talk about the advantages they enjoy in island experience, Eliza, hilariously, is so over-the-toppily happy and excited that they have food and water and shelter that nobody believes her. I don't blame them, really. It sounds like bullshit because of her delivery, even though it's true. When Joel says he doesn't believe it at all, Jon comments, "You guys are dumber than you look." Joel says that's fine if it's true -- they can "get fat and happy" while the Airai wins the challenges.
So in this challenge, you assemble four jigsaw-puzzle wheels, and you put them on a cart. Then you push the cart through some gates, then you dig up some planks from a sand pit, then you use them to complete a bridge and push your cart over it. Then you reach a big turning wheel, and you use the pieces of your four puzzle wheels to complete it so you can rotate it and raise a wok of fire (my new cooking show!) and win the challenge. Hey, want to know what you're playing for? Immunity! Also, winners get flint.
Basically, this is a blowout. From the very beginning, Malakal is not in it. They're behind right from the assembly of the wheels. At one point, the Malakal cart, once they get it going, wipes out so abruptly that Eliza, sitting in the cart (both tribes have people sitting in the carts, so I assume you had to do that, though Jeff didn't say), pitches forward and takes a header into something. It's clear that she's really in some discomfort, but she clambers back in so that they can go. In the sand pit, it kind of looks like Malakal might be catching up, but I don't think they really are. They're just...in the same vicinity. Airai works on the turnstile, and seriously, it's not that close. The fans raise the wok, and raise the roof in celebration. So that's one point for inexperience, eh? Jeff congratulates Airai and gives them immunity, and tells Malakal that they'll have to show up to tribal council and send somebody out.
As an unhappy Malakal returns to camp, Jonathan interviews that the other tribe just wanted it more than they did: "They just had more heart out there." As some of them chat in the water, Cirie puts in a pitch for her own value. She then interviews that as they prepare for tribal council, she really has no idea what she's going to do at all. Asked what he brings to the tribe, Jon tells the group that it's "morale" and "entertainment value." Crickets chirp, and then he admits that's all he can think of, and then they laugh. Funny 'cause it's true! And then Jon does a big interview where he claims that he has the absolute ability to make the game go in either direction, to the Jonathan/Ami/Eliza/Yau-Man group, or to the Parvati/Ozzy/Amanda/James group. Of course, unless he knows what Cirie is doing, he doesn't actually have this ability at all.
And then Jon begins the Boo Hoo I Miss My Girlfriend And Fetus storyline, in which he cries about how he misses ANTM Michelle and the future Piper (Get it? Rowdy Roddy Piper?), and how he's very very sad. The thing is, either this is genuine, in which case I don't care because Jon's still a dick, or it's not genuine, in which case he's the same kind of dick as before, only he's kind of more pitiful because he's still doing the same shit to try to get attention. And if I cared, it would be better, but...I totally do not. Lie, no lie, who cares? Jon tells Parvati that he's thinking of just asking to be the one sent home. Parvati tells him not to do that, but to pretend to do it so that the other group will be "distracted" and won't realize that Eliza is getting voted off. Does nobody know how to count? What's Cirie doing? Parvati finishes up with a comment about "I don't want Eliza to turn around and snake me." And then there's a shot of a snake. Because things have gotten a wee bit literal in the Department Of Animal Metaphors.
Ami takes a walk with Jon in which he prattles on about having a baby and how big it is, and she sort of vacantly keeps saying "Yeah," and she asks if he could be persuaded to stay, and he says no. Ami interviews, more wearily than anything, that being around Jon, you just never know what he means by anything, so you constantly doubt everything he tells you. She reports back to her group, and they're all well aware of the possibility that he's actually with the other people. She swears tribal council will be insane: "If I know Jonny Fairplay, he's gonna stir things up." Well, let's see.
Tribal council. Jeff has them grab their torches, fire represents life, etc. Jeff asks Jon how arrival at camp was for all of these experienced people. "Cake," says Jon. He says that shelter was fine, food was fine...the only problem was "overconfidence." Jeff asks Eliza how big a deal a player's prior reputation is, and she admits that it's in the mix. That said, Jeff returns to Jon to ask whether his reputation can be an advantage. Jon says that everyone was surprised by his "real" self, and here, he starts in again about how he's not really bad, he really just misses his family, blah blah. "Am I being a crappy dad by being here?" he wonders out loud. Let me help you out: you are being a crappy dad by being this person. You can be this person in Palau or you can be this person in L.A., and as long as you're this person (that is, a person with a raging case of narcissism), you will be a crappy dad. But Probst says instead that he's not really a dad yet, and...way to miss the lay-up, dumb-ass. Jon goes on about how he had no idea how having a baby would change him, and so forth. Jeff asks him whether he really wants to go home, or whether he just had a "bad afternoon." Jon says that last time, he was a jerk, and if he wants to be awesome now, then "so be it."
Jeff asks Yau-Man why he's smiling at all this. Yau-Man says it's because, obviously, your first suspicion is that it's a trick, because it's such a weird bunch of stuff to say. Jeff asks Ozzy whether it's just that "Fairplay can't hack it, it's much harder than he remembered, and he wants to go home." Ozzy -- who for some reason seems to have mind-reading powers in this scenario -- somberly tells Jeff that it's not that at all. Jon starts defensively insisting that Jeff can say whatever he wants, but that he doesn't need to "put on a little show." Since he can't do anything except put on a little show, I don't know quite how to take that. If he couldn't put on a little show, he'd melt like the Wicked Witch Of The West. (Spoiler!)
Jeff asks Jonathan about Jon's reputation for "scams and lying." "What is he doing?" Jeff asks. "I think he's asking us to vote for him," says Jonathan. He says that somebody has to go, Jon wants to go, and he's going to go. In other words, "I don't give a fuck what he's doing; if he says he wants to go, I'm sending him." ["I don't know why that isn't everyone's response: when someone volunteers to go, why talk him or her out of it? That means it's not you!" -- Wing Chun] "So it's a quit," says Jeff, because Jeff always has to establish whether he can throw you on the pyre with the other quitters and burn your torch and feed the ashes to a leopard and damn your soul to hell. Jon denies that he's quitting. And then Jeff starts going around to the other contestants, all, "Yes or no answer -- is this a quit?" Who gives a fuck? Seriously, why is the label so important? Did Jeff make a bet with someone that Jon would quit? Eliza says no, because as far as she's concerned, it could be misdirection. In other words, quitting is quitting -- quitting is "Jeff, I lay down my torch." This is just "Hey, you guys, I'm ready to go, so go ahead and vote for me, but I'm not officially going to resign."
So Jeff reminds everyone that, for this vote, Yau-Man is immune because of his idol. And now: voting. Ami votes. Ozzy votes. Cirie votes. Jonathan votes, saying, "Jonny, I gotta vote for you, you've asked me to, I wish you best of luck, and..." And then Jonathan, the actor, gives you a lovely, funny, I-smell-something-foul grimace as he just leaves it there and drops in his vote. That was very funny. Parvati votes, and she looks kind of bummed. James votes. Amanda votes. Yau-Man votes: "Jonny, if you need any advice how to raise a baby to be a happy and well-adjusted child, I'll be happy to give you some advice." And Yau-Man, you'll notice, does not indulge the idiotic self-given nickname, just writing on his vote, "Jon D." He rules in so many small ways. Eliza votes. Jon votes.
Jeff goes off to tally, and when he returns, Jon gets all the votes, so...yeah. ["I love that they didn't even bother to show Jon's own vote." -- Wing Chun] There was some percentage of bullshit and some percentage of trying to get attention and some percentage of actually wanting to go home (maybe), and I just don't care about any of those things at a level of 100%, so why would I care which it was? Jeff snuffs Jon, and Jon demands a hug, which Jeff provides, because if he doesn't, then he loses the gold medal in the Big Dick Olympics that these two dudes are attempting to have.
Jeff sends everybody back to camp. As always, the first boot is the person whose value nobody can figure out.
week: Ozzy and Amanda. Bleeargh.