Previously on Dave Of Our Lives: Dave alienated Zhan Hu by ordering everyone around all the time as if somebody appointed him leader other than Jeff Probst; Jean-Robert annoyed the women of Fei Long by being slightly pervy and choosing "lying around snoring" as his assigned chore. Hilariously, the Jeff Probst voiceover states as fact that poker player J-R was "bluffing" by pretending to be weak and tired, which proves yet again that Jeff's ability to call bullshit on contestants is much like the F train: you can hope it's going to be there, but you know it's a crapshoot. Also: lots of smelly people around while you wait to find out. Anyway. Despite the facts that J-R was driving everyone bazoo and Courtney approached a machete-swinging challenge like she didn't want to spoil her manicure, Leslie's overly enthusiastic response to bonding with the Christians of Fei Long during her kidnapping led to her exit. Well, or else God's plan. One of those.
If you only see one thing when you go to China, let it be pandas wrestling. Cute Overload has nothing on these guys. Well, maybe this, which Wing IMd me the link to a while back, and anyone working at TWoP that day could tell you that I almost had a medical emergency as a result of my inability to stop laughing.
This week's adventure begins with Fei Long waking up early on Day 10 and J-R being shockingly productive (for him), actually offering to go get water. He explains to us that he's a professional poker player, and he enjoys being in last and then working his way up to the top. I consider this "I meant to do that" excuse highly grating, but it's going to be really interesting (though kind of nauseating) if, indeed, he turns out to be the Lydia of this season -- you know, how somebody seems like an obvious bootee early on, and then once he gets over the initial hump, he lingers endlessly until, like, F4, because people have forgotten how much they dislike him in the wake of fresher conflicts. I can totally see it happening, and he'll find it validating in a way that, in reality, makes him only as great a player as Lydia. Who didn't even play poker, that I know of. Aaron teases J-R about how he's on the ball so early in the morning. His plan is working! Or else not! Who can say? Anyway, after a moment where J-R hollers at Courtney not to touch a pot and it turns out it's not even hot, Courtney very politely asks J-R not to yell at her, even if he thinks it's for her own good. Courtney says J-R "sucks so bad" that he can't possibly pull himself out of it, and they exchange interviews in which each considers the other the obvious boot.
Credits. China! China! China! Wait, where are they filming this again?
Day 10, Zhan Hu. Peih-Gee marks off what day it is (speaking of people whose early boot magnetism seems to have faded), but the tribe has bigger problems than calendar maintenance -- they discover that their rice has gone moldy. I'm sure that's very hard to avoid, given how wet it is outside, but still: not good. Sherea -- for all the crap she'll rightly take later about slacking at camp -- does some of the work of going through the rice and picking out the parts that aren't moldy, because they don't have the luxury of doing what you'd do at home, which is (1) shudder; (2) throw the whole thing away; and (3) resolve to never think about it again. When Sherea has picked it over thoroughly, Dave instructs her that before she moves it and spreads the mold, they should...put it into some other container. What? She asks him what he has in mind, since they don't have any Tupperware or anything. "Find something, think of something," says Dave with his condescending "must I do EVERYTHING myself?" laugh, which is how you know he has no suggestions. If he had any idea what to tell her, he'd just give her an order, because that's his favorite thing. Because Dave clearly has got nothing, Sherea simply puts the bag of rice down and says she's done fussing with it. She's gotten out all the good parts, as far as she knows.
Dave immediately starts grousing about how she shouldn't have moved the bag, because just by moving it, she spread the mold around. Apparently, she shouldn't even have moved it off her lap without his permission. This is absurd, since they've already moved the bag several times and picked it over for good parts, so whatever spreading was going to happen, it had already happened, but as usual, Dave absolutely has to lecture someone, so he lectures her about this. Dave says to her, "All I asked was not move it and I would take care of it." Lie! That's the opposite of what he told her, which was, "I will tell you what to do, except for how to make it feasible, which you must figure out for yourself." He is just such a smug little weasel.
Aaaanyway, Sherea informs Dave that he's not the only person who gets to decide what anyone's going to do, and that he's not her boss, and that other people have minds of their own. Her frustration starts to bubble over, and her temper is getting lost, so of course Dave interviews that she went crazy and has no "grounds" to get angry at him, because she doesn't do enough around camp. Sherea goes to pick up what look like discarded shells from some meal, and Dave instructs her not to throw them away, but he doesn't say why. Sick of his bullshit and bent on demonstrating that Dave's say-so isn't enough reason for people to obey him, Sherea ignores him, gathers up the shells, and walks down toward the water. Dave chases her down toward the water, trying to physically block her from throwing away the shells, and she immediately reminds him that she'd just love it if he grabbed her (this would get him booted, most likely, since there's a sort of no-hostile-touching rule on most of these shows). He tells her he's "saving" the shells, but she's focusing on exactly one thing at the moment, and that's telling him repeatedly to back off and get out of her personal space, because he is -- and she's right about this -- being much too aggressive about a simple dish of shells.
Finally, Frosti intervenes by just taking the shells from Sherea so she doesn't have to give them to Dave. Sherea interviews that Dave has been digging his own grave for the last several days, not really realizing that she's not faring very well either, because this kind of conflict is exhausting to be around, no matter who's to blame. Of course, when it's over, Dave starts complaining about how Sherea tried to obstruct his efforts to save shells for his mom. Whatever, Dave. You might lead with that instead of relying on the simple notion that your orders must be followed. Sherea says Dave is "very condescending," which couldn't be more true. The problem, of course, is that by reacting to him and trying to argue with him, she's taking the wrong approach, because a person like Dave will never hear you. The more you argue, the more he just feels like you're proving that you're irrational and unreasonable, so it's better to disengage altogether, because there's absolutely no point in arguing with genuinely toxic, delusional personalities. Um, probably. Anyhoo, Dave and Frosti chat, and Dave blames Sherea for everything that's going wrong with the tribe. Frosti breaks the news that Dave isn't coming off very well in this whole situation himself, and that he needs to be able to work with everyone if he wants to actually lead. Frosti interviews that this is the conflict of Dave -- he works hard, but "Crazy Dave may have just worn out his welcome," in spite of all that he contributes.
Fei Long collects treemail stating that both teams are going to tribal council tonight. Wha-huh? It also seems to suggest it's a food reward, though, so the team quickly realizes that this is some kind of misdirection. J-R -- now blurred at the front of his shorts as well as the back of his shorts, spee-yuck -- talks about wanting to win the food, since he's "a big eater." We head over to the "temple" where they usually have tribal council, and Jeff is there waiting. Apparently, all this has in common with tribal council is the location, which...is annoying and appears to have been arranged solely for the promos declaring that both teams would be going "to tribal council." Big fat liar promos. Anyway, the reward challenge requires pairs of teammates to share pairs of giant chopsticks (oh, come on, show!) that are, say, six feet long or so, though they get progressively longer for each successive pair, and use them to grab a softball-sized fireball on a metal frame. So obviously, the trick is for two people to wedge a ball between two sticks when they're each holding one of the sticks. And you can't roll it along, field-hockey style -- you have to pick it up off the ground between the sticks. If you imagine yourself holding a shower-curtain rod and your friend holding a shower-curtain rod, and the two of you trying to pick up a grapefruit together, you have an idea of what this is like. Anyway, after they carry the fireball down a little racecourse, they'll drop it down a chute, where it will roll into a pot and send fireworks into the sky. Chopsticks and fireworks? What will they think of ? I'm seriously surprised that the final step wasn't to drop off your laundry.
Once a team has dropped three fireballs, they'll be the winners. And what are we playing for? We're playing for a visit with a Chinese family who will visit the tribe and teach them how to fish. Furthermore, they'll come bearing spices and vegetables so the tribe can have a proper meal. Oh, and you get to kidnap someone. Someone other than the Chinese family, whom you are expected to let go when they're through with your lesson and meal. So don't get any ideas.
In the first round, Peih-Gee and Sherea take on Todd and Denise. This challenge feels reeeeally long in the watching, because, of course, what happens is that people move with the ball, like, two inches at a time, and then they drop it and pick it back up. But anyway, Todd and Denise finish their round first. Fireworks! Okay -- challenge fast-forward. Fei Long wins this event, too. And of course, there's a big fireworks display at the end. As you may have heard, the Chinese people love their fireworks! Fei Long chooses to kidnap Dave, and we are offered no insight whatsoever regarding what they're thinking. Maybe they think his big mouth will give everything away? No idea. Jeff gives Dave the "open in private" immunity-idol clue. The tribes are sent off, Fei Long heavy with Dave-osity.
Day 11 at Fei Long. Dave is sooooo happy about the prospect of seafood. He tells us that it's like a vacation, and considering the tension between him and Sherea, it was a great time to get away. Somehow, I suspect his tribe agrees that any time is a good time to get away, Dave-wise. He approaches James, and James looks at him dubiously but hands Dave a lime, about which Dave is so happy that he hugs James, which James rebuffs, actually saying, "I told you about the hugging." He'll bury you, Dave! Dave tells us that his trip to Fei Long a "spy mission," but for himself, not his tribe. Dave is for Dave! He takes his scroll into the bushes (ew, gross), and he reads about how it's an immunity-idol clue. This excites him no end, even though...he doesn't actually get to see the clue, which I think takes him a minute to figure out. He returns to Fei Long to caaaaasually consider whom he should give the clue to. He greets Courtney by hugging her just for being from New York. He claims to miss New York, even though he's from...Simi Valley, and while his official bio claims that he has spent significant time everywhere from South Africa to Milan, it says nothing about New York. It's patently phony, and when he comes over and hugs her, it's so unnatural that it's no surprise when we cut directly to Todd, whom I'm really starting to like, saying in an interview, "Dave is a nutcase." Preach it, Air Tiny. Dave invites Todd on a walk, and Todd interviews that he's trying to be nice to Dave for his own benefit. The best reason, really, and maybe the only reason, when we're talking about Dave.
As Dave and Todd walk, Dave asks Todd if he believes that "turnabout is fair play." It turns out that he means something more like "one good turn deserves another," since the first one is really in praise of vindictiveness. What he wants, it seems, is to give the clue to Todd with the understanding that if Todd is kidnapped, he'll give the clue to Dave. Todd agrees. Of course, this arrangement doesn't make a whole lot of sense, because at some point, someone's going to actually find the thing, and Dave should realize by now that there have been enough clues that the show, eager to have the idol in play, will soon start with the ones that read, "We're not saying it's the symbol over the arch or anything / but it totally is." When Dave leaves him alone, Todd discovers that the new clue says something about night creatures flying off and taking something, and that thing is the idol, or something. My favorite part is that Todd tucks the clue into his buff, which is tied around his head. He's not too dumb, this kid. When he's back at camp, it certainly looks like Todd's attention falls on the arch where, the editing once again suggests, the idol is located. I don't entirely understand what this clue has to do with the symbol on the arch, but...I can be ignorant, so don't go by me.
Zhan Hu. While Sherea says that being rid of Dave for a while feels great to her, things at Zhan Hu are actually a little difficult at first with him out of the picture. They're all lying around, they're all tired, and they're all figuring out that although he's an utter crazypants, Dave actually did a lot of work, and without him, they have a lot more to do. Frosti carries a pot of water for boiling, Erik breaks sticks for the fire...and Sherea kicks back in the shelter, taking a nap. She explains to us that everyone works much too hard, and she's just going to wait around and -- yes -- save her energy for challenges. Which is obviously working really, really well for her team so far. In a particularly unfortunate moment of truth-telling, Sherea explains that she's not going to work until she has to work -- speaking of her teammates, she says she's going to "ride the workhorse till the tail falls off, 'cause I'm not doing anything until I have to." Oh, Sherea. Riding horses works a lot better when they don't have the ability to vote you out of the saddle.
It's time for Fei Long to enjoy the reward, and this is probably one of my favorite rewards in the history of the show, truth be told. When the family arrives for the fishing lesson, it turns out that, rather surprisingly, J-R lived in Taiwan for a few years as a kid and picked up a bit of Mandarin that turns out to be...more than a bit, really. He's able to communicate with the family, which is a good thing, considering that the family doesn't speak any English that we can see. So J-R guides the rest of the tribe through the introductions, and Aaron and Denise are chosen as the tribe's two representatives who will be taught to fish.
Aaron calls the fishing trip "bizarre." I don't know about that, but the fishing method does turn out to be, at least to me, completely fascinating. I will be the first to admit I've never seen this before. There are birds (cormorants, I believe) that are tied to the boat, and then you tie strings around their necks so they can't swallow anything all the way, and then you toss them into the water. They duck down and get fish, and you pull them back into the boat and squeeze intact fish from their throats. It seems a little mean, but they don't seem to be suffering, and the method is utterly ingenious. It makes perfect sense -- you know what's good at catching fish? Birds -- but I've never seen it done, and it's completely cool. Denise is just happy that they didn't have to eat the birds. Hee.
Meanwhile, back at camp, J-R is passing along instructions from the mom, essentially, about how to work with the vegetables and things that they're all getting ready for dinner. James decides to take umbrage at J-R's bossy...translating. Or something. But James immediately admits that J-R did great and really just translated what the lady said, so I really don't know what the point of that was. There wasn't even a brawl!
Aaron and Denise are trained in using a giant net to catch fish, which Denise is sure will be great. They head back to camp with fish, and everyone gets fed a lot of delicious food. Denise tells us that "flav-ah has never tasted so good." She goes on to tease herself for being "a lunch lady" who mostly thaws out frozen chicken nuggets, so it's not like her food-service job means she knows anything about food. This was "the delicatest thing that [she's] ever put in [her] mouth." Heh. Amanda interviews that the combination of the food and the culture can't be beat, and she thinks her team will have the upper hand in future challenges. Amanda is the Invisible Woman, I swear -- I have no sense of her whatsoever.
When we return, it's immunity challenge time! Dave returns to Zhan Hu, which pleases...only Fei Long, really. The immunity challenge calls for everyone to don helmets and other traditional fighting garb in a "gladiator arena" and use traditional Chinese throwing weapons to knock jars off of posts. They work in pairs against each other, because you can play offense as well as defending the jars the other team is trying to hit, which are behind you. The tribe that breaks the most vases in three rounds will win. If you remember last week, when they started doing that weird freeze-frame-y sound effect whenever anyone swung the machete to cut the final rope, you'll love this week, where they have an equally stupid bionic-like effect whenever anyone's shot is going to successfully hit a jar. Which kind of ruins the suspense, as you can imagine, since all successful hits are telegraphed so thoroughly that you might as well stop watching everything but the ch-ch-ch-ch-chhhhh. You can just tell this was some particular person's idea -- "After fifteen seasons of success, you guys really need to change up the show by using more stupid-looking visual effects, because we have editing software that we paid good money for, and we should be taking advantage of it!" You betcha. Count me as one vote against the visual effects.
In the end, Fei Long wins again, largely on the back of the great and powerful James -- although Zhan Hu makes a run at the end on the back of the great and powerful Jaime (!) -- and stupid Zhan Hu is going to tribal council again. They are a horrible tribe.
Back at camp, Dave has yet another confrontation with the tribe in which he's bossing everyone's pants all over the place -- this time, it has to do with boiling water and fear of parasites -- even though he should know this is a dangerous moment for him and being an imperious dick is not the way to go. Indeed, Sherea and Dave seem to know from the get-go that they're the two options for booting. For one thing, Zhan Hu isn't much for poker faces, so even Dave can figure out what it means when nobody will look him in the eye. This is essentially a contest for elimination between Dave, who makes everyone want to die of starvation, and Sherea, whose work ethic or lack thereof might help them do so. The tribe doesn't really try to shield them from this, with Frosti evading the question when Sherea tries to argue that she's pitching in her own way and Erik playing diplomat when Dave (or, as Erik repeatedly calls him, "bro") tries to argue that he's had a big "attitude adjustment" after his kidnapping, and now he's going to be totally great, he promises. Dave praises his own work ethic, and Erik agrees that Dave's work ethic is always great. And then Dave jumps into the water and vanishes.
The rest of the group -- Peih-Gee, Frosti, Erik, and Jaime -- sit around in the water, vaguely bathing and vaguely plotting. They agree on the basic calculus, with Frosti arguing that they don't desperately need Dave for all that much anymore around camp and Peih-Gee arguing that Sherea's attitude is the pits, and she seems way too settled into her pattern of lying around the shelter and allegedly saving herself for the challenges. Both of these things are true, but I must say, at this point, I really felt like they were wildly telegraphing that Sherea was clearly going, and that even though Dave was disliked, it was going to be one of those situations where the obnoxious person gets to live for another day because someone else is momentarily even more unpleasant. You don't have to have a great work ethic to stay around, Sherea, but you have to not flaunt your bad one.
Tribal council. Jeff asks what it was like without the wonderful, amazing Dave around, and Sherea says that they basically did everything without him just like they did with him. Jeff takes the strangest view of this that I can imagine, asking whether perhaps this is validation of Dave's leadership, that he has made them so great through the sheer force of his educating that they don't need him anymore. Frosti is like, "Er, okay." He says that Dave did help them establish certain habits, like getting water. Somehow, I think they'd have come up with that one eventually. Erik blandly signs onto this notion, saying that he likes Dave and he's not happy with other people not "receiving Dave's leadership." He idiotically claims that Dave has great leadership skills, which is ridiculous. Sherea rolls her eyes, and she's absolutely right, because Dave has horrible leadership skills. Everyone resents him, his major contribution is what he does himself (as opposed to what he inspires in others), and he makes everyone feel like life at camp sucks the bag. I'm not sure what "receiving Dave's leadership" is supposed to consist of, and that's not even mentioning the fact that Erik's choice of words there feels oddly...off, kind of cult-y, like Dave is a religious figure. I don't like it.
Jeff asks Dave if being relieved of having to lead would be a relief. Dave does his awesome-man's-burden bit about how hard it is leading, and he never wanted to -- you'll notice he doesn't say, "If somebody else wants to take over, that's fine." Jeff asks Sherea about all the weight-pulling business around camp, and she claims she's "stepping it up a lot more," which gets her the stink-eye from Peih-Gee accompanied by the Harp Of WTF? that they like to play on these occasions. Zing! WTF? She says she's been trying to do better, but she owns up to the fact that she does believe in conserving energy for challenges.
Jeff asks Dave about this notion of saving energy for challenges, and Dave says in his exaggerated "I'm being patient in explaining this, because I know others aren't that bright" way, that this is a "short-term" way of thinking, because you have to stay rested and hydrated for long-term success. Didn't he take the opposite position when someone told him exactly the same thing last week? Didn't Peih-Gee ask Dave to make sure he didn't overdo, and didn't he basically tell her to fuck off? I'm pretty sure that happened.
Asked whether she thinks challenges or camp life matters more, Peih-Gee says you need both in order not to put an "undue burden" on your teammates. I'm kind of stunned that she's not a lawyer, because they're the only people I know who actually say "undue burden." Anyway, Sherea says it's easy for Peih-Gee to talk about the importance of camp life when she's naturally good at it and likes it. Fair point.
Voting! Tallying! Time to read! As I said, I was very sure that Sherea was going here, but she...doesn't. It's Dave, who winds up with every vote but his own. It turns out he's so annoying that they'd rather have someone who does no work at all. They hate Dave more than they hate having to do their own dishes. Poor Dave. You can just see his "oh, silly fools" expression dying to break out anytime. But he's snuffed, and he still has to leave. Fourth to go! Badly done, Dave!
Dave's farewell is as you would expect, consisting largely of, "Maybe I was too awesome. If they didn't get it and wouldn't listen, then that's their problem." He also says "pieces of [him]" are "worth a lot...maybe even priceless." Maybe it's the teeth.
week: Jaime and Erik flirt, and it appears that he announces that he's a virgin. We'll have to see whether that really happens. And a twist!