You may recall that when we left the Survivor-alists, Fei Long was wrapping up another pants-down spanking of Zhan Hu, and Zhan Hu was deciding whether to boot Dave, the former model and current prison warden/control freak, or Ashley, the WWE wrestler with the volleyboobs. In the end, while the tribe valued neither of them, it seemed like Dave might potentially have slightly more residual value, so in a case of "six of one, six-and-a-half of the other," they bounced Ashley, with obvious plans to bounce Dave . It seemed inevitable that Dave would take this as an endorsement of his leadership and as a strong piece of evidence that he was doing everything exactly right. No worries! Ashley went home, didn't she? A vote against Ashley is a vote for Dave! Vote Dave in '07! Dave! Dave! Dave! This, Dave's mind is telling him, is airtight logic, you just know. In other news, Jean-Robert appeared to be the least subtle and most adenoidal poker player in gaming history.
Night 6, Fei Long. J-R is snoring like a freight train with four hundred live cows with chain saws aboard. Furthermore, he seems to be accidentally-on-purpose throwing his limbs over the women of the tribe while he's "sleeping." Leslie interviews that J-R, "God love him [natch]," is enormous, takes up a ton of space, and has a tendency to paw the women. "Maybe it's the silk shirt and the no underwear," she comments. Ew. Courtney interviews that she and Amanda are completely creeped out by J-R's handsiness while everyone is supposed to be asleep, and they both avoid being near him in the shelter. I'm not sure why they don't tell him that any contact that appears not to be accidental will result in a knee in the nuts, but apparently, they're not going with assertiveness as a strategy. Courtney says that J-R horndogs around about wanting her and Amanda nearby to keep him warm (EW!), but since she weighs "seven pounds," as she puts it, she can't keep anybody warm, including herself. Leslie says that J-R doesn't really grasp "the social game," and if they ever go to tribal council, it's going to be pretty easy, because J-R will go first. Well, that's a relief!
Credits. Hey, have you ever noticed that China looks very Chinese? It's amazing, seriously.
When we return, it's Day 7 at Fei Long. J-R is bathing, which is at least a minor act of mercy if indeed he sleeps without panties, and James and Amanda are cleaning out a crab trap that turns out to have but one crab in it. This crab now becomes the center of a kind of loaves-and-fishes parable, but since James is not Jesus, it's really just the one crab. When they return to camp, Courtney and Aaron bicker about how to distribute one crab to eight people, with Courtney (and, incidentally, crab-catcher James) taking the position that cooking it into a stock and serving it with rice would be the best approach. Leslie interviews that "the boys" are really "cranky." She says being hungry always makes her husband cranky, too, so she makes sure he stays fed. This is her husband "times infinity."
The bickering continues. At one point, Courtney calls Aaron's bluff on his scoffing over the idea of the stock, saying that if they're not doing it that way, then James, who caught the crab, should get the whole thing. Aaron blanches, and it suddenly becomes obvious that somehow, Aaron thought he could make this turn out so that he, who had nothing to do with getting the crab, could somehow eat the whole thing himself. I'm not sure he even knew that was what he wanted until that moment, when something in his brain registered the thought, "But wait! If James eats the whole thing, then I cannot eat the whole thing." Ultimately, James, as crab-catcher, wins the argument, and they decide to make crab stock and add it to several portions of rice. James interviews that the people in the tribe are kind of dumb and hard to talk to. He goes on to rib the rest of the team about the fact that none of them seem to have even read any books about survival before they came. (That one's just for Wing Chun; she hates it that nobody does any research.) James goes on to tell us that he at least spent a few hours at Barnes & Noble reading up on survival, which he figured would be a good idea, considering that he normally won't even drink out of plastic cups. Hee. As a result of his minor preparation and everyone else's complete non-preparation, he feels "like Crocodile Dundee out here." I like the fact that his wilderness role model is still Crocodile Dundee. I like a guy who appreciates the classics.
Day 7, Zhan Hu. Dave...washes the camp, apparently. He moves bricks around for no immediately obvious reason. Peih-Gee tells him that she thinks he should get some rest. He blows her off, because it will be a cold day up Jean-Robert's shorts before Dave takes instructions from anyone. Especially a girl. Peih-Gee interviews that Dave seems to have learned absolutely nothing from the last challenge, in which he ran entirely out of energy and had to be rescued by Tiny Frosti The Super-Athletic Elf, which is why she's offering all the counseling. Dave turns incredibly condescending and rude to her as she tries, admittedly pushily, to help him figure out the logic of what she's saying, and eventually, he's blowing exaggerated smooches and whatnot. He interviews that in order to save energy, you have to expend energy. "Camp doesn't sort itself out," he says, as if the camera is a stupid person, and he goes to explain that "it's not rocket science" that you have to do work around camp. And you have to admit, he's right. If no one washes the ladder, then the ladder will go unwashed until ten minutes from now when it rains, and then where would everybody be with their smart remarks, huh?
My other favorite thing about this Dave sequence is that it's so obvious that Dave believes that everyone at home will be watching this, sympathizing with him because the rest of the tribe is so stupid. He's about five seconds from winking, throwing the hook 'em horns, and being like, "This one goes out to all the ladies posting on the ol' MySpace." As the rest of the tribe tries to solve a problem with balancing the wok, which arises at a time when he's lying down and isn't even looking, he butts in and starts telling them what to do, getting all, "Get it right," and "Get it done," and "Simple as that," and he gets up and starts stomping around camp, picking up a brick he's going to make them use even though they don't need it. It's very "WELL, I guess if I WANT anything I'm not INVOLVED in to get DONE, I will just HAVE to take OVER, YOU ARE WELCOME." He butts into the conversation and redoes everything himself, and on top of that, he's then all whiny about how it would have been easier to just do what he said from the beginning. Well, dictatorships are efficient, Dave, that is true. They have their drawbacks, I hope you would admit, but you do spend less time in meetings. Frosti tells Dave to stop bossing everyone, and interviews that after coming really close to going home last night, you'd think Dave wouldn't act like such an unabashed prick. Dave continues to roll his eyes at the tribe, because he simply has zero social skills and doesn't understand how leadership. I'm not sure how Dave sees all of this going -- like, everyone hates him now. He has no friends. He is the person who blew the last challenge. I'd like to hear again what the plan is, because aside from what the hell kind of a product he was paid to "model" for, I find that the biggest Dave-adjacent mystery on the show right now.
Challenge. Jeff calls everybody in, and Fei Long learns about the ouster of Ashley the wrestler. Nobody offers much of a reaction. It turns out, though, that Ashley was booted just in time to miss her favorite part, because this entire challenge is basically just straight-up wrestling, three men against three men or three women against three women, trying to throw all three members of the other tribe into the water. I have a feeling that the creativity well is running dry at the challenge factory -- this is just the Shoving And Eye-Gouging Challenge, and week, I have a feeling it's going to be, like, Hit Each Other In The Forehead With This Slingshot. Or whatever the traditional Chinese equivalent of that would be. The reward for which they're playing includes comfort items from a lantern to a tarp to pillows and blankets, so this is one you actually want, as opposed to Pringles or whatever that will just make you gassy and miserable in your untoileted camp. Fei Long has to sit out a man and a woman, and they sit out Courtney and Todd. Hello, dummies! You don't sit your weakest at the reward. You sit your weakest at the immunity challenge! Not thinking very well, these guys.
We learn that Jeff really, really loves saying the phrase "women on women," as he first calls it out when Sherea, Peih-Gee, and Jaime go against Amanda, Leslie, and Denise. Everyone puts up a good fight, and there's a ton of anatomy-blurring going on, but ultimately, Zhan Hu actually wins for once. up, Frosti, Erik, and Dave take on James, J-R, and Aaron. That seems a little unevenly matched, considering how much if it seems to rely on sheer body mass. Oh, but first! Dave decides to strip completely naked. It's funny, because when Richard Hatch did this, it was part of a whole way of, consciously or not, aggressively asserting his position and trying to intimidate people, but with Dave, it feels really different. He just seems like a poseur. Like, hi, Dave. We already have a Richard Hatch. AND HE'S IN JAIL. Anyway, you won't be surprised to hear that it's not too easy for, say, Frosti to throw James in the water (agility is helpful here, but it doesn't suspend Newton's Second Law Of Motion), so this round goes to Fei Long. Two great moments in this round: Aaron's dorky buff/headband gets slid down so that it's over his eyes like a blindfold, which looks awesome in freeze-frame. And second, Aaron's face basically winds up in Dave's naked junk, and the fact that they both found themselves in that position sort of pleases me, because I don't honestly think it's what either of them had in mind. In other news, Erik continues...not talking.
Another round of women (oh, I'm sorry, Jeff -- "women on women"), and Zhan Hu takes this one, too. Roll the lunch lady! Roooooll her! round is men again. Jeff Probst, once again proving that he has his moments, comes through with this, which he delivers with just the right touch of irritated boredom: "Dave, still naked." For some reason, Dave thinks he should taunt James, and you can imagine how well that goes for him. Fei Long wins. So it's 2-2, and whichever team takes this round will win. I guess Zhan Hu should be relieved that women went first. Because yes, once again, Zhan Hu wins the women's round. Leslie also puts Peih-Gee in a chokehold, which is pretty surprising, not Jesus-sanctioned as far as I know, and something that, in the past, used to be against the rules. I am hopeful that fishhooking is also now allowed. So finally, Zhan Hu has won a challenge, and they win reward. Also, they get to kidnap someone from Fei Long, just as Fei Long kidnapped Jaime last week. They decide to kidnap Leslie. Jeff gives Leslie her sealed tube with the hidden-idol clue in it, just like the one Jaime got last week, with instructions to open it in private, and so on. Everybody returns to camp.
Later, Zhan Hu returns to camp with Leslie, which Jaime says she was happy about, at least relative to the other people on Fei Long. Leslie tells the team she's really happy for them, and Dave -- always a model of class -- tells her that while she's around, he's going to swear less and wear pants. Dave is totally gunning for that Boy Scout hospitality badge! Leslie interviews that Zhan Hu seems like a pretty happy tribe, and they seem to have better morale than Fei Long, in spite of being down by two people. I'm not really sure I've seen any indication that either of these tribes has any cohesion at all, but this may be a simple matter of the grass being greener when it's not your obnoxious jerkweeds but a new bunch of obnoxious jerkweeds.
Later, there is swimming and diving, and Leslie seems to be thoroughly enjoying herself. As they all hang out in the water, they begin to quiz Leslie about Fei Long, drawing out that there are "strong personalities" and that Todd calls her "Mama." Peih-Gee interviews that they got a lot of good information just by being nice and friendly to Leslie, and she laughs that you can get good results "in a happy, nice way." Dave. Somebody -- the camera's on Jaime, but she's not talking, so I'm not sure who it is -- asks Leslie if she's "a Christian," and Leslie says she is, rattling off everyone she's aware of who's a Christian. I'm well aware that she (1) is answering a question that was put to her, at least at first; and (2) clearly has no idea how this sounds and hasn't thought through the implications of doing this dance with a bunch of strangers within earshot of a bunch of people who may not be Christian and will (correctly) conclude that Leslie is judging the group by how many people in it are Christian. It's still pretty much a dick move for everyone involved, having a big "So hey, what religion is everyone?" conversation, which takes the form of "So hey, let's name everyone who's the same religion I am/we are." Particularly when not everyone may have wanted to have this discussion thrust upon them. Leslie interviews that she came on Survivor to show people "the love of Christ," presumably whether they are interested in the love of Christ or not, and that's where she loses me, even though she seems like a nice lady who I'm sure does her proselytizing in the nicest way possible. When you come on Survivor to "show" people the merits of your particular religious beliefs, you are (1) not my kind of person; and (2) definitely not an interesting contestant, to me. There is literally nothing I can think of that I find more boring on reality shows than speeches about anyone's religion. Leslie goes on to say that at Fei Long, there aren't enough Christians for her liking, so everyone is "very cynical." I'm not sure who told her that "Christian" and "cynical" are opposites, but at this point, I realize that she and I will never see eye-to-eye, so I bid my own attempts to understand her a fond farewell.
Speaking of Fei Long, let's go over there, where J-R and James are having a discussion while J-R takes a bath. They speak unkindly of Leslie, saying she can't pull her weight, and besides, James says, it's always the people who pray and make a big thing out of it who are actually sinning the most. "That's why they're prayin'!" James points out. "They know they're going to hell." As much as I'm not a fan of ostentatious praying, that's...pretty much bullshit, as near as I can tell. Nearby, it turns out that Courtney and Todd are accidentally listening in as J-R opens a discussion about strategy. J-R says that he's pretty clear that J-R, himself, and Denise all should be kept around for a while. And then the discussion specifically moves to Todd, and then to Courtney, whom J-R says will obviously go first. (I think it's J-R; it's off-screen.) Todd interviews that the guys were pretty idiotic for not realizing he and Courtney were sitting there listening to the discussion about Courtney.
And then the ugliness ramps up considerably, as J-R decides to talk about how much he's just sure James is hot for Courtney's ass, which James seems to be trying to deflect/ignore, even after J-R says it would be great if James could get "a million dollars and some ass." I couldn't hear every word of that discussion, I admit, but at least from the part I heard, James didn't participate that much in that part of it, and he actually defended Courtney's work ethic, saying that she works pretty hard around camp, presumably compared to Leslie. But the thing is...you can't just stand there. You become complicit. What happened there, the degrading way J-R talked about her and the way he tried to reduce her not only to an object but to a cheap, throwaway object...James doesn't strike me as a bad guy, but there are things where you can't just stand there, and that's one of them. If you don't say, "I don't talk about women that way, and neither should you," you're complicit. Furthermore, although Courtney is stretching her face to laugh and smile really extravagantly like she thinks this is really funny, you can tell how pained and embarrassed she feels; it's completely obvious. "I'm never sleeping near any of them again," she whispers to Todd, and that part is so sad, because that...kind of happens, you know? People get scared and intimidated and whatever, and now she's going to feel uncomfortable and devalued, which is why this kind of thing is important and not just guys sitting around being horny. Todd is clearly hurt and angry on Courtney's behalf by the way these guys talked about her, and I'm not sure he even knows who said what or really cares, so he vows to the camera that he's going to make those two guys pay, because there's a time for "taking out the trash." I don't really believe he can necessarily follow through on this, but of all the reasons to become vaguely threatening and menacing in a way that probably promises more than you can deliver, this isn't a bad one.
So now, on Day 9, Leslie decides to pull Jaime aside and give her the sealed clue tube, which is just like the one she got from Jaime, so it seems like turnabout is fair play, and it also keeps more people from finding out what's going on with the tubes. It turns out that this second clue emphasizes that the idol is up, not down, which is in line with the last week's camera-shot revelation that the idol is up on the arch they walk under to get into camp. Seriously, if it never occurs to them to look at the giant prop that's been erected at random and never existed prior to this season, then I don't feel too sorry for them. Once again, we see the idol's position emphasized with the Hellooooooo-Cam.
Challenge. When everybody gets there, Jeff asks Leslie how the time with Zhan Hu was, and she says it was great. Plenty of Christians! Jeff allows her to return to Fei Long, home of the heathens. Jeff explains that this is yet another brute force challenge, at least at first, with this one requiring each of four people on the tribe to whack ropes and beams with a machete to release bundles of discs. When the discs are retrieved, all four sets, they can be assembled by two puzzle-solvers on a post that sits on a gigantically heavy rock base. When they're done, they'll drag the entire puzzle over a finish line. There's ultimately only one thing that needs saying about this challenge, which is that Courtney goes first for Fei Long (Leslie and Denise sit out under the rule where you can't sit out the same person in consecutive challenges), and she literally takes such a long time chopping the ropes in the most stereotypically girly way possible that the four choppers on Zhan Hu are all done and working on the puzzle before she finishes. I'm not sure whose genius idea it was for Courtney to chop ropes with a machete instead of just solving a puzzle, but it makes me think she must have immediately announced that she's bad at puzzles, which is...not great for her. In any event, she manages to get Fei Long so far behind that it seems like they should maybe just quit now and conserve their energy.
But wait! The puzzle seems to confuse Zhan Hu, so maybe there's time to catch up after all! How surprising! Long story short? Almost, but not quite. It does seem like Fei Long gets itself back in the game after falling insanely behind, but I guess I credit that in part to Zhan Hu sucking at puzzles. But Fei Long can't quite make it out of the hole Courtney dug for them, and the puzzle-solvers of Zhan Hu beat them to immunity, sending Fei Long to tribal council for the first time.
Later, Fei Long returns to camp, suddenly not feeling quite so smug as they were before. Courtney has badly injured herself trying to chop the rope, and it looks like she's covered her hands with blisters. Everyone tries to put aside blame and encourage her by congratulating her for not quitting. It's...the right move, I suppose. J-R interviews that this has only proved that the team needs brawn, so "common sense" dictates that you get rid of one of the weak women, who are basically Courtney and Leslie. And, of course, Leslie lacks the hot ass that J-R enjoys so much.
The tribe gets into a chat about Zhan Hu, in which Leslie tells everyone else that the other tribe is a lot more upbeat and awesome, and she happens to mention in the same breath that three of them are Christians, ahem. In fact, she says this is why she thinks they chose her to kidnap -- that Christian bond. That is ridiculous. I guarantee you that as Christian as some of the people on the other team may be, they're not choosing Leslie as the member of Fei Long to kidnap because she's a Christian. Aaron gets pissed when Leslie admits that she told Zhan Hu that Aaron was the leader. It's silly of him to be upset, because, like, they're dumb, but they're not dumb enough not to know Aaron's the leader at this point, particularly after Jaime came over and spent time in camp. Aaron says that Leslie might now have divided alliances, and she also has loose lips.
Courtney and Leslie talk about the challenge, and Courtney blames her performance on the bad camp and the bad vibes and how unhappy things are, so this segues into a discussion of getting rid of J-R, who is a poisonous personality, pretty much. Todd scurries off to chat with Amanda, whom he tries to talk into voting out J-R instead of Courtney (based on that challenge). Amanda is really concerned about Courtney in challenges, but Todd thinks...well, he's not sure what to say about that, considering, but he insists they won't suddenly lose all the challenges just because they get rid of J-R. Amanda and Todd seem to part with a tentative agreement to vote out J-R. But when they talk to Aaron, he absolutely nixes voting out J-R based on challenge issues, and he says he's worried about Leslie's "I bonded with all the Christians" stuff, lest she wind up honoring that bond with them more than her own team. Aaron is convinced that Leslie is a real threat to flip at the merge (meaning he's thinking way too far ahead and making predictions he can't possibly, possibly know anything about). Todd looks on unhappily, saying in an interview that he really wants to get rid of one of the big huge guys who will otherwise wind up kicking his ass later.
J-R gives a speech to most of the tribe (except Courtney and Leslie) about booting either Courtney or Leslie based on how weak they are, throwing a comment in about how he's seen meatier anorexics than Courtney, which...is true, but also mean, and there's something about berating her for being too skinny a day after cheapening her into a sexual conquest that kind of wraps up sexual politics in a really disturbing bindle I wish he would just take with him when he LEAVES. Todd continues to waffle in his interviews.
Tribal council. Take your torch; fire represents life. Someone will be snuffed! Jeff wants to talk about how they won all these challenges, and then they took two losses, and their psychological edge was eliminated. J-R lectures about how they have strong guys, but they have weak girls. After J-R calls out Courtney and Leslie at Probst's urging, Courtney makes the point that living with a guy who thinks this way about her isn't that much fun. She says that practically all the challenges have amounted to wrestling and muscling so far, and she's been aware of the disdain for her. James protests, but she says that's the way it feels, and Jeff calls J-R out on the fact that he did in fact say Courtney was weak. J-R goes into exactly what you'd expect to see, which is a "just keeping it real!" speech. Which actually ends with "just keeping it real," which is surprising.
When she gets the chance to speak, Leslie informs her tribe that Zhan Hu may be skinny and tired and incompetent and run dysfunctionally, but they have fun, dammit! Fun! Her team must have heart! Asked if he's concerned, J-R says that he feels like he's one of the people who might be in trouble on this vote.
And now, it is time for the voting! And when the votes are counted (see how we skip along?), it turns out that other than Leslie and Courtney, who voted for J-R, Leslie got all the votes, and she's gone. There were a couple of votes for "Mom," so I guess that was supposed to soften the blow? I'm also curious about how the focus shifted from Courtney, who was so utterly useless in that challenge and looks like she might blow away, to Leslie, who may not be a physical powerhouse, but who didn't embarrass herself, particularly. I wonder if Todd took up for Courtney or something. After Leslie is snuffed, Jeff announces that apparently, the tribe needs to find ways to "utilize each person's unique strength." Courtney, for instance, would make a good...rice stirrer?
In her parting words, Leslie says she's very proud of herself. She chased her dream! And now, God has decided that He wants her to go home, so that's fine with her. Apparently, He also does not want her to engage in any analysis to figure out whether she made any mistakes along the way that might have contributed to her going home early. Things being predestined to go a certain way is very handy like that.