By Miss Alli
We find Jeff "Sandal With Care" Probst on the steps of a monastery. He's in China, which he promises is very, very old. But these sixteen people are launching their bullshit entertainment careers in "ultra-modern Shangai." And from there, they're "being transported back in time," which is probably not true, because if that were true, you would be seeing a much more ambitious reality show right now. For the 39 days, these folks will supposedly experience "culture," by which Jeff Probst means gongs and probably P.F. Chang's kung pao chicken, the Mountain Dew and Pringles of China. (Chinese Food Reference Count: 1!) They come from many backgrounds -- a beauty queen, a lunch lady, a "gay Mormon flight attendant" (a triumph of the "demo-stacking" theory of casting), a professional lady wrestler, and so forth. The lunch lady appears to be crying, which is a bad sign. Maybe nobody liked the chili macaroni. There's also a gravedigger in the group, which would make my nephews happy, since that's their favorite monster truck, which in turn means that every time I see him, my mind will growl, "GRAAAAAVEDIGGER!" And hey, a bartender/model! I wonder how that professional training will affect the game! Probst says they will live in the shadow of a temple in "a harsh and remote land." I take out my Survivor dictionary and see that under "harsh and remote," it reads, "adj: No potty." These sixteen people will "create a new [dysfunctional] society [that you wouldn't want to live in if your only choices were that and prison]." Probst is standing on some temple steps when he does his "Thirty-nine days, sixteen people, one survivor" bit, so...I guess stairs are the new helicopters. season: Jeff narrates the entire season from a Hoveround.
Credits. Everybody's all dirty! What's that about?
A monk bangs a gong (the better to get it on, presumably), and the castaways are brought into a temple full of monks. This does not seem appropriate somehow. Chicken ("Chicken Farmer") says that he loved it. It was like "a carnival"! Yeah. A carnival of dead chickens. Peih-Gee ("Jeweler") tearfully tells us that for a Chinese person such as herself, this is special. Her grandfather died recently, and the fact that it's taking place in China allows her to believe he wouldn't be mortified by this entire thing. I also love the fact that her profession says "Jeweler," like that's why they picked her. Not that "Appeared At The VMAs Dancing With Madonna" would have fit in her caption, but still. Maybe they're going to divide the teams by vocation, and she will be with the artisans! Do we have a barrel maker in the group?
We find Jeff "Sandal With Care" Probst on the steps of a monastery. He's in China, which he promises is very, very old. But these sixteen people are launching their bullshit entertainment careers in "ultra-modern Shangai." And from there, they're "being transported back in time," which is probably not true, because if that were true, you would be seeing a much more ambitious reality show right now. For the 39 days, these folks will supposedly experience "culture," by which Jeff Probst means gongs and probably P.F. Chang's kung pao chicken, the Mountain Dew and Pringles of China. (Chinese Food Reference Count: 1!) They come from many backgrounds -- a beauty queen, a lunch lady, a "gay Mormon flight attendant" (a triumph of the "demo-stacking" theory of casting), a professional lady wrestler, and so forth. The lunch lady appears to be crying, which is a bad sign. Maybe nobody liked the chili macaroni. There's also a gravedigger in the group, which would make my nephews happy, since that's their favorite monster truck, which in turn means that every time I see him, my mind will growl, "GRAAAAAVEDIGGER!" And hey, a bartender/model! I wonder how that professional training will affect the game! Probst says they will live in the shadow of a temple in "a harsh and remote land." I take out my Survivor dictionary and see that under "harsh and remote," it reads, "adj: No potty." These sixteen people will "create a new [dysfunctional] society [that you wouldn't want to live in if your only choices were that and prison]." Probst is standing on some temple steps when he does his "Thirty-nine days, sixteen people, one survivor" bit, so...I guess stairs are the new helicopters. season: Jeff narrates the entire season from a Hoveround.
Credits. Everybody's all dirty! What's that about?
A monk bangs a gong (the better to get it on, presumably), and the castaways are brought into a temple full of monks. This does not seem appropriate somehow. Chicken ("Chicken Farmer") says that he loved it. It was like "a carnival"! Yeah. A carnival of dead chickens. Peih-Gee ("Jeweler") tearfully tells us that for a Chinese person such as herself, this is special. Her grandfather died recently, and the fact that it's taking place in China allows her to believe he wouldn't be mortified by this entire thing. I also love the fact that her profession says "Jeweler," like that's why they picked her. Not that "Appeared At The VMAs Dancing With Madonna" would have fit in her caption, but still. Maybe they're going to divide the teams by vocation, and she will be with the artisans! Do we have a barrel maker in the group?
Jeff welcomes the group and tells them that before the game, they will participate in a ceremony in the temple. He carefully tells them that this is not a religious ceremony; it's not worship. This is merely a welcoming ceremony. When it's over, they should come back out into the courtyard where he's briefing them now. As the ceremony progresses with chanting and bowing, Denise ("School Lunch Lady") tells us that it was very moving for her. Denise is working an absolutely crazy-ass mullet, I tell you what. It's not even "business up front; party in the rear." It's more like "prison up front; Katie Holmes in the rear." But lest you underestimate her, I must point out that her bio lists one of her hobbies as "stick fighting." Zoiks. Anyway, as New York waitress Courtney eye-rolls and smirks her way through the ceremony, the monk beside her continually reaches over to place her hands in the right positions, which only makes her smirk more. Stupid monks! In China! Stupid Chinese monks! She interviews that she just wanted to leave and drink lemonade. Two possibilities: (1) she'll eventually regret this; or (2) she never will. Equally sad.
The big news of the ceremony is that Leslie ("Christian Radio Host") announces in an interview that she just couldn't stay, because "in the Bible, it says 'thou shalt not bow down before any other gods.'" Interestingly, that's not what mine says. It says not to have other gods. In my version, it's not about bowing, it's about belief...but then, I've never really believed that God was primarily a choreographer. Anyhoo, Leslie decides that even though the people whose religion this would theoretically be are telling her that this is not a religious ceremony (similar to nuns telling you that the bake sale, while taking place in the church, is not a church service), it simply is, because of the bowing. Well, it's not like a Buddhist is in a position to explain Buddhism to a Christian. Seriously, y'all, I would think Christians would be the first ones to hate seeing this lady cast, because she's making everybody else look like such a patoot by association. She then actually cries in self-pity over how "hard" it was for her. Unbelievable. What the hell is it about reality-show people freaking out in Buddhist temples, anyway?
Fortunately, no one else is quite so ungracious, and they all return outside. Jeff has Leslie explains that she only puts her face on the ground for Jesus. Hey, Leslie: Jesus called, but he didn't say anything. I just heard this slow clap. What do you suppose that means? Anyway, Jeff explains that a big part of Buddhism is ridding yourself of your stuff, and what that means for them is that it's a "start with the clothes on your back" season. Ashley (the wrestler) has enormously impractical multi-buckle boots on, which were a ridiculous choice in the first place, whether she anticipated being stuck in them or not, while another young blonde (this will be...Jaime, I think?) points out that she has no bra on. Probst grossly har-hars about how maybe that will help her and make her "very popular." Har-har! Dirty old man. But seriously, folks: at no point in your Survivor experience should you be (1) braless; or (2) in stripper boots. It's kind of a rule.
Jeff divides the tribes by just handing out buffs, which is pretty unambitious as a way to divide people, compared to, say, race wars. The yellow tribe includes Frosti (seriously, that's his name, and he's a teeny little young athletic dude), Dave (who can't seem to figure out which way his...buff goes?), Braless Jamie, Erik the Cute Musician, Peih-Gee, Ashley, Chicken (the chicken farmer, you might recall), and Sherea. They're called Zhan Hu. The red Fei Long tribe is Jean-Robert the professional poker player, Leslie the Buddha-Free Zone, Amanda (er...who?), Courtney the monk-hating waitress, Denise the lunch lady, James the GRAAAAAVEDIGGER!, teeny Todd the gay flight attendant, and Completely Generic Aaron, the bartender/surfing instructor. Woooo!
Amanda ("Hiking Guide") thinks James and Aaron will be great to have on her team. Honestly, there are quite a lot of buff dudes here, so I'm not sure anyone is going to go hungry on that front. Jeff describes the rules of the game, and then tells them that "the single greatest document in the history of strategy was written by the Chinese," and if you don't know that he's going to say Art Of War, then you don't know nearly enough middle-aged douches in the Jeff Probst mold, because he totally does. Read it on this bamboo scroll, dude! It's totally illuminating on the subject of negotiating your residuals. Shut up, Probst. He promises them that The Art Of War contains wisdom that will help them win, and then he hands out maps and sends the teams to their boats.
Great Wall. Hey, relevant!
Fei Long is rowing. Nobody knows anything about rowing, boats, or being outside, it appears, but Generic Aaron is in charge. He says the tribe is pretty stupid, basically, but he sees himself turning into a leader -- a subtle leader, of course, so he won't be targeted. With people like this on his team, honestly, I don't think he really has to be that subtle. Fei Long gets to camp in apparently short order and checks out the surroundings. They have highly thematic rice to eat (get it? It's China!), so that's good, but it's also starting to rain, which is not so good. "It looks like the Big Guy Upstairs is providing," says Leslie cheerily. I love that you can't participate in a Buddha welcome ceremony because that will show disrespect for God, but you can call Him the Big Guy Upstairs, because you're buds with Him. It's like having casual Friday under Patton. Courtney informs us that everyone is too happy, and nobody in New York acts like all these "flight attendants and Sunday-school teachers." The funny thing is that in the whole seven weeks I've lived in New York, I've already learned that while thinking that way is very New York indeed, going on about it is always posing, because if there's one thing people in New York know how to do, it's simply ignore people who are annoying, even while being annoyed. If you couldn't do that, you'd never make it into the city on the train, I will tell you that much, COCKTAIL-RING-WEARING GIRL DRAWING HER EYEBROWS ON WITH BLACK CRAYON ON THE SARDINE-CAN F AT EIGHT IN THE MORNING AND ALSO THROWING YOUR CRUNCHY HAIR ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Jean-Robert and Todd go for a walk, during which the poker player tells the flight attendant that he doesn't believe he's really a flight attendant; he knows Todd is a sharp guy. Of course...Todd is a flight attendant. (I just typed "slight attendant," which: way to go, jokey fingers!) J-R interviews that he has a natural gift for reading people, since he's a poker player. Of course, a real poker player applying a real gift for reading people would observe silently for a while, rather than tackling the first person who looks intelligent and accusing him of lying about his occupation. But J-R tells us that he was calling out Todd early. Hey, what harm could that do, right? Declare yourself the craftiest, smartest, and most threatening! Todd responds to ineptitude with ineptitude by telling J-R to please not tell anyone else that he (Todd) is so threatening. Of course, he insists that he's not saying he is threatening. Or anything. J-R suggests that he won't tell, and based on how sure I am that he's lying, I'm flummoxed at the idea that he's any good at poker. Maybe he plays in a kids' league?
Panda chewing stuff.
Zhan Hu arrives at its beach, where Ashley and her enormous synthetic bazooms make quite the picture as she gets out of the boat. She has two rings in her lower lip, which I always find incredibly disturbing, no matter how hard I try not to judge. I keep thinking about...I don't know. A lot of things. Some are sort of intimate-dirty, and some are unhygienic-dirty. Sherea is stuck in heels, so she's not comfortable at all. She's not adjusting to the outdoors so well yet. A few folks try to repurpose some wood in a sort of a frame they stumble across, but Chicken is standing back insisting that the thing isn't big enough to do them any good. This devolves into the typical fight between the bossy old man who thinks he knows everything and the dumb but numerous young brats who are looking to do as little work as possible and would pledge their willingness to sleep under a single blade of grass if it meant they could lie down sooner. Chicken finally interviews that because they wouldn't listen to anything he has to say, he's taking his cock and going home. (It's a chicken joke, get it? Do ya? Okay, last one.) No more suggestions from Chicken! Zhan Hu jokingly argues over who farted (seriously), and this surprisingly leads to Ashley explaining how she's a wrestler, which she then explains to us some more in interviews. She thinks that her "wrestling" background has prepared her for this, what with the competitive spirit you develop while acting out scripts in which you are predestined to win or lose. I'm not sure she understands Survivor. Or does she?
The conversation at Zhan Hu turns straight-up chatty, and Peih-Gee is completely annoyed and eye-rolly, because she thinks it's not getting any work done for them to be acting foolish. She "can't connect to the wackiness." Well, this is a good idea, because you know who lasts a really long time every season? The person who hates fun. Their shelter debate continues, but the petulant Chicken (The Petulant Chicken is the name of my new franchise sandwich shop, by the way) refuses to participate in the discussion anymore, because they didn't obey him enough. You can see them beginning to get very annoyed.
Fei Long, later on Day 1. They chop fronds and logs. They're out there felling trees and everything, and basically looking way more together than the competition. Todd tells us that the team meshes really well. As James pounds away, the ladies on his tribe are admiring him, which Leslie tries to pass off as admiration of his work ethic, which: only if you really like the way his work ethic looks without a shirt, lady. Seriously, that's a nice bod on James. One of the game's best bods ever, I'd go so far as to say. Leslie goes over and talks to him, and she's happy to hear that he buries people. She's got a great story she can tell him sometime, and it even has a burial in it! He'll love it! At any rate, he interviews that gravedigging is a pretty solitary activity, so he's pretty accustomed to working on his own. Leslie tells him that, if he wants to be social, he should talk to people and ask them questions about themselves. Such as "Have you found the Lord?" (Okay, that was me.)
It rains all night, and the Zhan Hu shelter is absolutely horrible. Everyone is miserable. But on the morning of Day 2, they're at least still alive, determined to move their shelter and rebuild. Chicken is still grumping about the shelter, although he interviews that the rain was a "reality check" for the rest of his tribe. He begins chopping logs for a shelter. As everyone else assigns chores, Ashley crawls off, bends over, and -- I believe -- lets out an enormous belch while attempting to throw up. I don't think that was supposed to be funny, but it kind of was. She has to lie down, explaining in an interview that the wet night was really hard on her and seems to have made her sick. She has chills! She can't stop gagging! Now she knows how I feel about wrestling! Speaking of which, she says she's "wrestled sick" before. She just hasn't done this. Dave ("Former Model") comes over and carefully tells her that she shouldn't think she's on the block for being sick, after which he interviews that because Ashley's sick, she's probably on the block first. So I'm thinking Dave isn't planning to traffic in straightforwardness.
Fei Long, Day 3. Treemail arrives in the form of a figurine of a long dragon. Todd rattles off the accompanying crap poetry, which implies that it's an immunity challenge. Aaron reads some of The Art Of War to the tribe out loud (much as my dad once read us Leiningen Versus The Ants during a camping trip, only with fewer ants, shudder), and Todd says to the team that he thinks Aaron should be their commander. He tells us, of course, that his reason for doing this was to move the target off himself. Since, you know, he's so crafty that he's got Jean-Robert thinking he's not a flight attendant. Aaron promises to be the king of the "democracy." He interviews that being a leader is kind of unsettling, but he's ready.
Zhan Hu. Dave reads them the treemail. Ashley says that she's well enough to make it through the challenges. Frosti tells us in an interview that he's an athlete who specializes in fast, safe ways around obstacles. (I'm not kidding.) So...that will come in handy, one would think. Short of being a professional mud-crawler, I can hardly think of anything that would be better.
Challenge! Jeff welcomes and chats up the tribes. Jean-Robert thinks the worst part is trying to sleep in the rain. In this challenge, each team carries a long dragon (you know...like you've probably seen at Chinese New Year, I'm sorry, that's the best reference I can think of). You maneuver it through a sort of maze, through a gate, blah blah, someone from your team jumps two walls...it mostly involves the team efficiently maneuvering this big dragon around. Jeff then unveils the immunity idol, which I guess Leslie can't touch, because of Jesus. Two additional points: the winner of immunity will receive flint, and both teams can take their running shoes back with them. No more tall boots, Boobsie McPiledriver.
The best thing about weecaps is that I don't feel so obligated to repeat every move of the challenges. Things happen, Frosti and James are both really athletic but in opposite ways, and in the end, the has-it-together Fei Long gets the win over the sucking-hard Zhan Hu. So that's one point for Aaron's forced leadership. When it's all over, they collect the idol, and Zhan Hu is told that Jeff will see them at tribal council later. One of eight will go home and be really, really embarrassed.
Later, at camp, Zhan Hu discusses their unhappiness at losing. Peih-Gee, sure she's headed home, is doing a lot of crying all of a sudden. People never do that in New York! Just kidding. Peih-Gee follows a rallying cry from Dave with a speech of her own about how everyone should start pitching in more. She proceeds to bossy-boss the shelter-building process, which has never been a good idea for anyone, of course. When she and Chicken try to negotiate, it makes for quite a scene. Ashley says Peih-Gee was "barking out orders." She also has the gall to complain, as the camera ogles her grapefruits, that Peih-Gee shouldn't have been crying after the challenge. I mean, somebody could make that argument, but not somebody who just got through swooning barfily all over the jungle.
Ashley assures us that she's totally fine now, and there's no reason to kick her out. Chicken is agitating for her to be sent home, but Frosti seems extremely skeptical. Chicken says he feels like Ashley is going home. Frosti will not commit. Frosti the no-man! (See, I'm getting them all out of the way now, is the thing.) Sherea tells us that she'll be voting for either Chicken, for being annoying, or Peih-Gee for being "bossy." Dave tells us that he's pretty sure the possibilities are Ashley, Peih-Gee, and Chicken. He has nothing against "yute," as he explains (that's as in the Joe Pesci "these two yutes"), but he'd hate to lose the other older guy on the team besides himself. He promises Chicken that he won't get Dave's vote.
Tribal council. Surprisingly, there are no extra gongs. Nice ethnic sensitivity, show! Fire = life, etc. Jeff asks about the early time at camp. He asks Peih-Gee whether it was harder than she expected, and she talks about all the mud and the hardship, after which Chicken complains that it took too long to make a shelter. He thinks the team needs a leader, and he's not interested. Is anyone else interested? Probst wonders. Dave's hand shoots up, and then a minute later, it occurs to Peih-Gee to try to save herself this way, so she sticks her hand in the air, too. Dave says there's no more time for bullshit, so even though he doesn't really want to be the leader, they'll all die. Approximately. Peih-Gee says that as leader, she would try not to be bossy, but to be helpful. "So did you guys just make a decision? Your first tribe decision?" Jeff asks. Huh? Who decided anything? That was so weird, even before Peih-Gee overexcitedly pumps her fists and hisses "YESSS!" Which she also does. Wear it right out there, I guess, Peih-Gee. Ashley throws her a bitchface.
Jeff asks about how everyone's going to vote. He asks Dave what the tribe needs to do with the vote, and Dave says to "trim the least productive people." Asked how he'll vote, Chicken says it will be the person who has done the least work. Jeff asks Eric whether that's a big factor for him, and Eric says work is important. Jeff asks Ashley about fitting in, and she lip-rings that she was sick, so at that point, she "technically" did the least work, but she doesn't think that should count. How does Chicken fit in? He says he doesn't, but he's not the one who's done the least work, and he doesn't think you pick bouncing the guy who doesn't fit in over someone who does no work. He thinks that if the team doesn't pull it together, they're going to see a lot more of Probst. And they're going to see a lot more of Ashley if she doesn't have something else to wear, but...whatever.
Frosti votes. (Hee, "Frosti." Hey, I'll get over it.) Ashley votes for Peih-Gee, on the basis that Dave is already the leader. Hey, dummy, that is not a reason. Eric votes. Sherea votes. Chicken votes for Ashley, saying, "Wrong time, wrong life." Jaime votes. (I think. Jaime?) Dave votes. Peih-Gee votes for Chicken, telling him he's "lived up to [his] name" by refusing to "step up." I'm sure he's never heard that one before. The votes break like this: one for Peih-Gee, two for Ashley, and four (that we see) for Chicken. So that's all the Chicken you're getting for now. When Jeff reads the fourth and killing vote, Chicken yells "DAMN!" so loudly that he kind of scares people, including Ashley the WRESTLER, who's so scared that she jumps about a mile. I'm sure that was a proud moment for the WWE. Chicken walks off, and Jeff tells the rest of the tribe that they will get to take their torches back and have fire, so apparently, the show has grown bored with dehydration plotlines.
In his farewell, Chicken says he was surprised, and his tribe is stupid and will never work together. You will rue the day you went vegetarian, Zhan Hu!