We find Jeff "Sandal With Care" Probst on the steps of a monastery. He's in China, which he promises is very, very old. But these sixteen people are launching their bullshit entertainment careers in "ultra-modern Shangai." And from there, they're "being transported back in time," which is probably not true, because if that were true, you would be seeing a much more ambitious reality show right now. For the 39 days, these folks will supposedly experience "culture," by which Jeff Probst means gongs and probably P.F. Chang's kung pao chicken, the Mountain Dew and Pringles of China. (Chinese Food Reference Count: 1!) They come from many backgrounds -- a beauty queen, a lunch lady, a "gay Mormon flight attendant" (a triumph of the "demo-stacking" theory of casting), a professional lady wrestler, and so forth. The lunch lady appears to be crying, which is a bad sign. Maybe nobody liked the chili macaroni. There's also a gravedigger in the group, which would make my nephews happy, since that's their favorite monster truck, which in turn means that every time I see him, my mind will growl, "GRAAAAAVEDIGGER!" And hey, a bartender/model! I wonder how that professional training will affect the game! Probst says they will live in the shadow of a temple in "a harsh and remote land." I take out my Survivor dictionary and see that under "harsh and remote," it reads, "adj: No potty." These sixteen people will "create a new [dysfunctional] society [that you wouldn't want to live in if your only choices were that and prison]." Probst is standing on some temple steps when he does his "Thirty-nine days, sixteen people, one survivor" bit, so...I guess stairs are the new helicopters. season: Jeff narrates the entire season from a Hoveround.
Credits. Everybody's all dirty! What's that about?
A monk bangs a gong (the better to get it on, presumably), and the castaways are brought into a temple full of monks. This does not seem appropriate somehow. Chicken ("Chicken Farmer") says that he loved it. It was like "a carnival"! Yeah. A carnival of dead chickens. Peih-Gee ("Jeweler") tearfully tells us that for a Chinese person such as herself, this is special. Her grandfather died recently, and the fact that it's taking place in China allows her to believe he wouldn't be mortified by this entire thing. I also love the fact that her profession says "Jeweler," like that's why they picked her. Not that "Appeared At The VMAs Dancing With Madonna" would have fit in her caption, but still. Maybe they're going to divide the teams by vocation, and she will be with the artisans! Do we have a barrel maker in the group?
Jeff welcomes the group and tells them that before the game, they will participate in a ceremony in the temple. He carefully tells them that this is not a religious ceremony; it's not worship. This is merely a welcoming ceremony. When it's over, they should come back out into the courtyard where he's briefing them now. As the ceremony progresses with chanting and bowing, Denise ("School Lunch Lady") tells us that it was very moving for her. Denise is working an absolutely crazy-ass mullet, I tell you what. It's not even "business up front; party in the rear." It's more like "prison up front; Katie Holmes in the rear." But lest you underestimate her, I must point out that her bio lists one of her hobbies as "stick fighting." Zoiks. Anyway, as New York waitress Courtney eye-rolls and smirks her way through the ceremony, the monk beside her continually reaches over to place her hands in the right positions, which only makes her smirk more. Stupid monks! In China! Stupid Chinese monks! She interviews that she just wanted to leave and drink lemonade. Two possibilities: (1) she'll eventually regret this; or (2) she never will. Equally sad.
The big news of the ceremony is that Leslie ("Christian Radio Host") announces in an interview that she just couldn't stay, because "in the Bible, it says 'thou shalt not bow down before any other gods.'" Interestingly, that's not what mine says. It says not to have other gods. In my version, it's not about bowing, it's about belief...but then, I've never really believed that God was primarily a choreographer. Anyhoo, Leslie decides that even though the people whose religion this would theoretically be are telling her that this is not a religious ceremony (similar to nuns telling you that the bake sale, while taking place in the church, is not a church service), it simply is, because of the bowing. Well, it's not like a Buddhist is in a position to explain Buddhism to a Christian. Seriously, y'all, I would think Christians would be the first ones to hate seeing this lady cast, because she's making everybody else look like such a patoot by association. She then actually cries in self-pity over how "hard" it was for her. Unbelievable. What the hell is it about reality-show people freaking out in Buddhist temples, anyway?