Remember how last week was about the triumph of non-horrible people over horrible people? Well, this is sort of the opposite. Adam and Parvati are working hard to keep themselves in the game, and when Parvati manages to win one of the most random challenges ever with the help of her father, she sends Jonathan to Exile Island. While he's separated from the group, Adam and Parvati bring back food for what used to be the Aitu tribe, and Becky and Sundra throw themselves wholeheartedly into the whole "Jonathan, ewww" vibe Adam and Parvati are working on. By the time Jonathan gets home, no one will even talk to him, for the most part. Ozzy snags immunity, and for reasons that are very hard to understand, Aitu goes along with voting off Jonathan, increasing the odds that one of the Rarovians will make it to the end, in which case such Rarovian would obviously win with this particular jury. In short, this episode is a festival of unlikable people gloating and smart people not acting smart, and it's not particularly pleasant.
Previously on Sucking At Life: Parvati explained to Jonathan how things are. Adam explained to Jonathan how things are. Adam noticed that while Jonathan's life might look better, Adam's is actually more awesome. High-five! Jonathan won all the food at the auction through the greedy, bottom-feeding tactic of bidding money on it, and he burped on Adam and Parvati. The Aitu four began to be irritated by Jonathan at times as well, and Candice pushed the buttons on this and got a lot of personal satisfaction out of pure meanness. Yul told everyone about the immunity idol. Candice, Adam, and Parvati weren't invited to share in the food for a particular meal they had nothing to do with preparing, and boy, were they hopping mad. Although not the "hopping out of bed to get my own food" kind of hopping mad. More the "hopping over to tell you that I deserve to be fed and to be carried about on a litter" kind of mad. Candice reiterated that Jonathan was a rat cancer bastard, not a nice and caring person like she was. Also, he was a person who switched allegiances, not a person who switched allegiances only that one time she did it right before he did it, like she was. Adam tried to threaten Yul by swearing that he'd never vote for Yul in a final vote unless Yul voted Jonathan off before the Rarovians. This appeared to be the first time that current voting was based entirely on strategy-free spite on the part of people who planned to find themselves on the jury. The Aitu four came very close to being fooled by this nuance-free charade, but in the end, they chose to vote Candice off anyway. She and Adam shared a kiss that no one wanted to see, including the people whose mouths were mechanically opening and closing as part of it. At tribal council, Nate proved that being voted off doesn't need to mark the end of the section of the show where you act like an asshole. Seven people left. Or, if you like to look at it like a controversy-seeking missile: three white people, two Asian people, one African-American person, and one Hispanic person. Who knew white people were so great and talented? And who will be voted out tonight?
We are at Aitutonga on Night 30, where the group is returning from tribal council to disrupt a night-vision meeting of the Paranoid Huddling Crab Society. Yul has an arm around Jonathan, who is saying, "That was ugly." I agree. Also ugly: Parvati's trip to the tub. Jonathan adds that tribal council was nothing he wasn't expecting, and "it was all...fine." In an interview, he tells us that, this evening, he had the pleasure of being called "rat" and "cancer," which he admits are not the most fun things in the world to hear yourself being called: "Adam and Parvati are angry that I flopped, and I'm absolutely convinced that I made the right decision." He goes on to describe the simplistic world in which the people around him currently exist: "Everybody needs a bad guy, so I become the bad guy, and everybody else is good, nobody else has lied, nobody else has manipulated things...everybody knows that's not true." You know, he may not have played these particular people all that well, and I think the mutiny thing was a colossal error in judgment, but he's certainly got his finger on the way people's heads work in the meta sense that they decide how they're going to view what happened and then they manipulate events to seem more like their view was correct. Railing against someone at tribal council sort of makes it more true, according to this theory, that said someone actually was a dickwad. Jonathan says that he's going to "keep punching," though he doesn't know how far it's going to get him. I suggest that he start with Nate, if actual punching is involved. But he's not going to "let a couple of kids like that" ruin what he's done. I wish he hadn't given in to the urge to make this about the fact that they're "kids," because as hard as I know it is to resist, you're better to resist it. Adam is in his late twenties. Adam is actually way too old to be such a fratty little punk. Seriously, remember: The Grind. It's like finding out Parvati was on The Patty Duke Show.
Credits. If Flicka were Britney Spears, you could barely show these credits because of the shot of her jumping off the ship. I guess Britney would never conceal her legs like that.
Aitutonga, Day 31. Ozzy is retrieving fish, looking soaked and self-consciously "hot," as usual. I definitely would find him hotter if he didn't always look to me like he's posing for a "Men Of Reality Television" calendar. Becky and Parvati are chopping coconuts, meaning that Parvati is taking a whirl at actually doing something, for once. I guess that, as numbers dwindle and you know you're badly outnumbered and trying to cast blame on a blameless person, the pressure increases not just to be an enormous food and energy suck. Parvati sarcastically asks after "everyone's favorite person," and Becky says that Jonathan is out fishing, adding that he's "trying to make amends with Adam." What? Why? Oh, Jonathan. "Good luck," Parvati says bitterly, actually gloating that Jonathan will never make it up to Adam, which is...a little late in coming, as a mark of satisfaction. We cut away to a white bird sitting in a tree, and then you hear a scream, which makes it seem like the scream is coming from the bird. Pretty cool. But it turns out that the scream is coming from Parvati, who apparently lacked a camera on her at the time but has whapped her thumb with the machete, which is presumably what you get for having no experience doing any work with coconuts or anything else. "What do I do?" she asks. You can sort of tell that "Boxer" isn't an occupation that suggests that she has ever broken a nail for any reason. (I met Billy of Candice/Billy at the TARcon this weekend, and he reports that Parvati's style of boxing is of what he called the "I throw a punch and -- oops, I lost my top!" variety.) Becky and Sundra help her wrap it in a buff, but Sundra says that it "looks too deep," and that they need to have it looked at. "I feel like my finger's about to fall off," says Parvati. I wonder what that feels like, and how she knows. Becky interviews that Parvati hacked herself across the middle of the nail.
The Australian-accented medical staff makes an appearance. Explaining how it happened, Parvati says, "I was chopping a coconut with a machete, and I chopped off my finger instead." I'm sure cutting your finger hurts, but it is not the same as cutting your finger off. Okay, there's no need to embellish. "The good news is that you're not going to need to trim your thumbnail for a while," says the doctor. He does want to put one stitch into her thumb. This will start, of course, with a shot. It turns out that Parvati was maybe thinking they would take her to a nice hospital for her stitch, but they're going to stitch her up while she lies there on the ground. "You're being so brave, Parvati," Jonathan says, because she's scared, and he's a dad, and it's a game show. Adam, on the other hand, is a puss, and he tee-hees in an interview, "There's something about fingernails falling off that really bothers me." So he wouldn't look while they were giving Parvati the shot. Because nothing calms your injured friend like you comically hiding your eyes because what's happening to her is so gross and terrifying. He adds that he was upset by the whole thing "mainly because" the Rarovians are "a dying breed," and that he thought about the effect on the game. Adam, I'm sure that Parvati appreciates that you were considering the effects of gangrene on the bottom line.
The tribe walks out onto a challenge beach, Parvati's thumb wrapped thickly with a bandage. Jeff pretends not to know what happened to her, so she has to explain again that she injured herself trying to chop a coconut. So we're now about six or seven minutes into the meat of the show, and the fact that Parvati cut her finger while trying to chop a coconut has been explained to us about four times. Jeff asks if she's allowed to get it wet, and she says that she can get it somewhat wet. Jeff says that this challenge will require her to get it wet. You will, in this challenge, scoop water up with a pail, run back, and pour it into a bigger bucket. When your bucket is full, it will drop and raise a flag, and you win. Sound too easy so far? Yeah, I think so too. The challenge staff isn't quite this lame. The reward, at any rate, is going to be a trip to an island where the locals will take you to "a sacred cave." You get a picnic, of course. The winner will also send someone to Exile Island.
"One other element to this reward." Here come...the famous loved ones, from around the corner. Jonathan's wife Stacy comes running out in her pink crop pants. There always has to be somebody in crop pants, if not more than one somebody. She and Jonathan both cry, and then they hug, and they share a brief smooch that is a much better kiss than all of Adam and Candice's lip-nibbling goofiness. "Everybody okay?" Jonathan asks. "Everyone's great," says Stacy.
Parvati's dad Mike comes out, looking...every bit like he'd be Parvati's dad, in the sense that he's just kind of standing there breathing in and out, probably through his mouth. They hug.
Here comes Adam's dad, George. George looks like Adam plus thirty years and twenty pounds and a wig from the Saturday Night Live wardrobe department. They do the manly handshake-that-becomes-a-hug thing.
Becky's sister Sarah comes out . "Yaaaay, Sarah Lee!" says Jonathan. Hee. I'm thinking that's been talked about before, that Becky has a sister Sarah, which makes her Sarah Lee, har har. Fortunately, I always truck with exactly the kind of people who think that's funny, so Jonathan is A-OK with me. Sarah hugs Becky, and Becky says. "Don't cry; you're making me cry." Becky kisses the side of her sister's head and sends her off to the Designated Family Area. ["This would be when I started crying. Every year, they get me with the loved ones!" -- Wing Chun]
Yul's brother Paul is significantly rounder of body and floppier of hair than Yul, but they still seem weirdly alike, in that they're both warm and probably not born to this game that much, because they'd rather be organizing charity events and generally breaking the curve.
Now, we get Ozzy's mom, Gina. She comes out and hugs him, and this is all so cute that Yul just has to reach over and hug Jonathan from the side, like a kid. It's really cute. "It's so good to see you," Ozzy tells his mom, and it's weirdly unemotional. Frankly, though, I'm distracted, because all I can think is. "I bet Ozzy's mom has seen him in porn." Which she probably hasn't, but it's what runs through my head. Would you assume that your mom just wouldn't watch something like that, even if it were kind of one of your accomplishments? I don't know.
Anyway, Sundra is told that her mom is coming out , and she acts all shocked, like...didn't she probably decide whom she wanted? Is this really surprising, that it's her mom? And...what's with the fact that out of seven people, only one brought a wife, and everybody else brought relatives? That's very unusual. Not even boyfriends and girlfriends. It's like Survivor Lonelyhearts. Sundra bawls as she and her mother hug.
So obviously, Jeff explains, whoever wins the reward will get to share the reward with his or her loved one. In other news, the loved ones are actually participating in this challenge. The way the water gets to the big bucket is that the relative stands there holding it, and the survivor throws the water to the relative, his or her "guide." And...the throwing is done blindfolded. Basically, the result of this is that this challenge is enormously random, because there is no such skill as "being able to throw water through the air blindfolded so that someone else can catch it." I mean, guide shmide. You're guessing, which is okay, but a little dull. I personally think they might as well draw straws.
Ready? Go! "Adam, come back, throw it straight, like shooting a free throw." Apparently, Adam does his free throws underhanded with a jerking motion, just like the top coaches recommend. "Up and out," says Sundra's mother. Jonathan tries one. "Was that good?" he asks. "No, that was very diffuse," Stacy says. "Very diffuse"? Shit, I think Jonathan and his wife are just a little bit more advanced than some of these people. I can just imagine George saying that to Adam. ("Very...what?") Parvati doesn't throw hard enough. "NO! YOU'RE TAKING TOO LONG!" Sundra's mother complains. There is throwing and catching, and you can basically tell that this one is luck. I mean...well, like I said, there's no learning how to do this. The one time that strategy is employed, it's by Stacy (unsurprisingly), who starts wringing her shirt into the bucket. Jeff Probst immediately interferes unforgivably with the progress of the challenge by yelling out that she's using this approach, at which point everyone else starts doing it too. I really, really think they need a rule that Jeff will not call out clever strategy during the challenge in a way that keeps people from being able to discover a clever work-around and take advantage of it. Furthermore, Jeff's "fuck you" attitude toward Jonathan continues to escalate. The way this goes, it's a dead heat between Jonathan and Parvati, and Parvati winds up, through sheer force of the universe being hostile and stupid, winning the challenge. "I'm sorry, baby," Jonathan says to Stacy, who throws her bucket down in disgust, undoubtedly wanting to beat the shit out of Jeff Probst.
So Parvati is choosing someone to send to Exile Island, and she sends Jonathan, as you would expect. Yul reaches over and gives Jonathan a sideways squeeze. Jonathan does not ask Jeff whether he's allowed to say goodbye; he and Stacy just cross the stretch of sand in the middle and have another hug and kiss. Remember how I said Jonathan just kind of isn't impressed with Jeff as an actual authority figure? Exactly. That was it right there. Furthermore, I will say: now that is a good kiss. And it's a good hug, with his hand on the back of her head. Hugs are so important and underrated, in that good hugs bond you to people so effectively and bad ones make you feel like you don't know them and remain in your memory for years. My other favorite, favorite thing is that as Stacy and Jonathan break apart, he smiles sort of mischievously, and you can read a lot of "Hey, don't sit around being sad about it." He gives her a loving swat on the ass as she starts to turn away, and he smiles goofily and says, "Love you." That is enviable, it really is. Which might explain why I am sitting here, envying it. And then as Jonathan walks off, just for a second, Stacy puts her crossed hands on her chest. Then she turns off to the side away from the camera as she starts crying. Ha. Boy, if that ain't love for you, you know? That little moment where her hands fly up involuntarily, like she's keeping her heart from tumbling out. You can't fake that. You can kind of see how, even when it is only thirty-nine days, that line between how ten seconds ago she could hug him and now she can't has sneaked up and sucked, hard.
So now, two other survivor/LO pairings get to come with Mike and Parvati, unsurprisingly. What is a little surprising is that Mike is going to be the one to choose. And nobody, including Parvati, can say anything. So presumably, this is entirely based on who Mike got to know while they were all being transported or whatever, and/or whoever he decides on sight is most deserving, and/or whoever he thinks on sight would be Parvati's friends. The first person he picks is Sundra's mom, whom he calls "Jeannette" but also "island lady," so there's presumably a story there, though I don't know exactly what it is. Given one more choice, Mike predictably takes George, the other dull, middle-aged dude. All the loved ones who weren't picked are sent away. Off with you, actual interesting loved ones! Interestingly, Becky's sister, who comes off like quite a sensitive soul through all of this, has an arm around a still-unhappy Stacy as they head off. Jeff says that the chosen LOs will be going back to camp with the group, and later, a boat will retrieve those who are going on the reward. Folks leave for camp.
Aitutonga, Day 31. Once again, the crabs scatter. ("God, don't these people ever leave? Hey, get your claw off me.") Parvati tells us she was really happy that she won. Adam and his dad have a private moment, in which Adam says he's glad that his dad is there, which I believe. He also says that he wouldn't have had much luck describing this experience in words, which I extra-believe. "It was great to see George here!" says Adam. "George is muh dad, and I call him George because he's muh best friend." Wow. George tells Adam that he's proud of him, and calls him "buddy." As you'd think. Meanwhile, Sundra's mother kibitzes her wood-gathering skills. Sundra explains the not-uncommon theory that you want your relatives to come and experience it for themselves, just so that they'll understand it better. Sundra's mom looks into the water barrel and is not too thrilled about the way the water looks. Sundra's mom assures her that they boil it. There is lots of hugging by the assorted relatives, while those who have no one to hug look on uncomfortably. Ozzy interviews that he's very annoyed about the fact that he feeds people who then go out and beat him in competitions. Dude, seriously. It's like Parvati ate Ozzy's mom.
Here comes the boat to pick folks up for the reward. They all get on the boat, and as they leave, Yul and Ozzy review the food situation -- they have fruit, and Ozzy is planning on going fishing. Yul tells Becky and Ozzy that he's happy they have this time together. Ha. "Imagine what this would be like in the final couple of days," he says.
We go out to check in on the reward group. First, a cloud of stingrays swims under the water. At Mitiaro Island, a large crowd of locals appears over a hill to fetch the arriving crowd -- Adam and George, Parvati and Mike, and Sundra and Jeannette. They're all wearing flowered leis. Not that the locals here aren't lovely, but it's hard for this not to just seem like a less interesting retread of the Aitu reward from the first challenge after the mutiny. Parvati does say it was "unbelievable." The locals take them into a cave with a large pool of water at the bottom. And it's fresh water, which Sundra points out was something they hadn't had much of in a while: "Like a little piece of heaven just dropped right off the side of the road." I think that simile got away from her just a little bit there at the end when the road started to get in the picture, but I'm sure fresh water is nice if your baths usually leave you all crusty and salty. Parvati is given a little vial of oil (maybe) to "anoint" the pool at the bottom before they can all jump in. She sprinkles it on command, because that's a task that's thoroughly within her abilities. She explains that this, much like Survivor itself, is a religious ceremony completed twice a year. Once she has anointed the water, everybody gets to jump off this ledge into the pool of water. Adam basically does a cannonball. Sundra says that all cultures have things in common.
Now, of course, there is eating, meaning that people have to obligingly list for the benefit of their interviewers all the food that was provided. Parvati tries to flirt with the camera while explaining how much she loves biscuits. If only she had a bathtub handy. Of course, the lovely picnic that follows has to be interrupted by Parvati's Jonathan hatefest about how the goal for the entire rest of the time in the game is beating Jonathan. Sundra says in an interview that Adam and Parvati are much more pleasant without Jonathan around. So she got to know them, and she's apparently realized that when bullies are out of the presence of their targets, hanging around with them can be really fun. She doesn't seem to understand that this is kind of how bullies get away with what they get away with, and that when you punish the target, that's when you become part of the problem.
We return to Aitutonga on Day 32. Yul, Becky, and Ozzy are around the fire when Ozzy asks what they think should be done about the food: "I think we should do something." "You mean hiding it?" Yul asks. Ozzy says that he just doesn't want to keep feeding Adam and Parvati and having them win challenges. (Remember, Adam won the last immunity challenge, so those two indeed have won the last two challenges.) Becky says that you logically don't feed "your enemies." Yul finally agrees that it might work to "hide the food for a couple of days." In an interview, Yul says that Ozzy catches most of the food, and that Adam and Parvati "keep winning" challenges. I don't know about that, but...okay. He tells us that the group has "tentatively decided" that, of all the food they catch, they're going to "maybe hide some of it." Yul has a fear of commitment, although not the most common kind, possibly. They decide to start with the coconuts, so they hurl them into the woods. "Now is a key pivotal moment, and I don't want to feed people that beat me," Ozzy interviews. "For Adam, Parvati, and Jonathan, no more coconuts," he adds. "They can go get their own." Hmm. I favored the hiding of food a lot more when it was related to failure to get off your ass and participate; I'm a little more nervous about it when it's aimed at weakening people for challenges. I'm also a little more nervous about Ozzy being the one to make this decision on his own, because I don't know if he would be my first choice if someone is deciding who does and doesn't get to share in the coconuts.
Later, the reward folks return to camp. Their loved ones are not with them, but as it turns out, leftover food from the picnic is with them. Not only that, but they have little doggie bags, like they were encouraged to take the extra with them, which as far as I know does not usually happen. Hilariously, Becky announces in an interview that she, Yul, and Ozzy (I suspect this was mostly Becky and Yul) decided not to hide the scarce food they worked for after having food shared with them by people who already gorged themselves on food they got for free. I don't really see how this follows, but...okay. Becky also says that they have more fun when it's the six of them without Jonathan, so it's nice that he's on Exile Island. This is right where my head went, "Uh-oh." Because...sure. It's more fun when Jonathan isn't there, because when Adam and Parvati have no one to pick on, they don't pick on anyone and there's less tension. That's not a reason to send Jonathan home, if we're talking about the pleasantness of camp. Just send home Adam and Parvati, you know? That would equally solve the problem.
But it's time for the immunity challenge, and we're here at the challenge course. The tribe comes in, and then Jonathan comes back from Exile. He is wearing his stupid hat with a feather in it, which I already feel like I've seen too much of. "Hi, guys," he says. No one greets him. Jeff takes back the necklace from Adam, who complains about the loss of his "bling bling." I bet he got that from Nate, the Commissioner of Dead Slang Resuscitation. Jeff explains that, in today's challenge, you run a floating obstacle course twice, and each time, you're retrieving a bundle of pieces of pole. When you have both bundles, you tie them together with ropes and make a long pole, which you then use as a long poking device to grab two hanging rings, and then you're done. There are barrels and boxes and all kinds of stuff you have to hop across, and there will be lots of slipping on wet wood and banging of heads.
So the thing with this challenge is that it plays directly to Ozzy's strengths, in that it's all about agility in the water, and nobody else is ever really in it except Yul. Yul manages to stay close to Ozzy most of the way. Ozzy does have to retie his shorts after the first run; that's about all I can tell you that's interesting. Oh, and Sundra takes what looks like an extremely painful fall on the barrels that made me wonder whether the show's liability insurance had just freaked out. "Ozzy already untying his bundles, getting to work on his pole." Jeff, Jeff, Jeff. Ozzy "trying to figure out how much pole he has to work with." Oh, let's just get this over with before it gets any more inappropriate. Ozzy finishes assembling his pole, and he grabs the rings, and he has immunity, not like this is surprising at this point. Jeff asks whether anyone feels threatened tonight at tribal council, and only Adam and Parvati raise their hands. The show cuts to a shot of Jonathan and menacing music, which is not too terrifically subtle as far as foreshadowing. I mean, could Jonathan be...in danger? Back to camp, everyone. What! Will! Happen?
Aitutonga, Day 33, after the challenge. Ozzy interviews that the immunity challenge was perfect for him, and that he found it "hilarious" to watch as everyone else was "eating it all over the place." Indeed. Much eating of it was done by all. Everyone is sitting around chatting, and then when Jonathan comes over and joins them, they all stop talking. Speaking of "not very subtle." After a long silence reminiscent of petulant adolescents throughout history, Jonathan finally says to Becky something like, "So that's your sister," or "how's your sister," or "I like your sister" -- something. And Becky ignores him, and no one talks. Okay, I get deciding that the guy talks a lot and maybe you don't like him all the time, but actively refusing to answer him when he talks to you is uncalled for, and the fact that they all seem to be specifically trying to inflict some kind of social punishment on him really strikes me as off the charts as far as unfairness goes. Jonathan interviews that "there's clearly something up," because he did not just fall off the turnip truck, so to speak. He's aware of the environment growing steadily more hostile during the time he was gone. He says that he isn't sure how much of a shift has happened here, nor is he sure how much time there is to do anything about it. If he's only in trouble after Adam goes, then he's got a couple of days to fix it. If he's in trouble tonight, then it's substantially worse than that, because he has less time, and he's unlikely to be successful.
As Sundra and Becky head off into the woods, Jonathan follows them. It isn't clear whether they hear him and ignore him the first time he says "Guys," but it takes a second whisper of "guys" and a muttered "ladies" before they respond. "We're getting firewood," they say. He says, "Are we still...cool?" "Yeah," says Sundra. "Is it Adam tonight?" he asks. "Isn't that what we said?" Sundra says impatiently. You know, for an actress, she's a very bad faker. Which is what Jonathan is thinking as he smiles wryly. He totally knows, and I'm at least pleased about that.
Seriously, this entire thing is so ridiculous. I mean, you don't have to be a genius to recognize that they're all bored, and they're all far from home, and they're all stressed out, and many of them have nothing in common at all and no way to connect to each other. What is Becky, a super-smart human rights lawyer, going to talk about with Parvati, who does Foxy Boxing? Very little. What is she going to talk about with Adam, who was on The Grind? People who don't know how to bond but are desperate to feel connected will often gravitate toward bonding over how much they hate the same person, which is why every office has a pariah and why there is a RachaelRaySucks.com. This is all kind of understandable as long as you recognize it as a character flaw in everyone involved. You can torture the person who "doesn't fit in" just to ever more firmly redraw the boundaries of your social group by emphasizing that they both include and more importantly exclude, but it doesn't actually relate that much to the merit of the person you're using for that purpose. Jonathan could be anyone -- an older lady, a fat guy, any loud guy, or any woman perceived as "bossy." There are certain types who never really fit in smoothly on games like this, and the more their tribes are desperate to find connection points and unable to do so, the more those types are going to be mistreated. It's not that there are no legitimate reasons to vote Jonathan off, but there are no legitimate reasons to refuse to speak to him.
Elsewhere, Adam tells Yul that if Jonathan isn't in the final four, then Yul will win the jury votes, no matter who else winds up in the final vote. Of course, I'm not sure Adam has received proxies allowing him to speak for anyone other than perhaps Candice, if she passed permission along with her gum at the end of the last tribal council. Who says that Nate, for instance, would vote for Yul over Ozzy? Or Sundra? How does Adam know what Brad, who was betrayed by Adam and company, would do? He seems to be acting like he, Candice, and Parvati are enough to win a vote, and he ought to be realizing that with nine or ten people on the jury, he can't really claim that he can make that happen. Anyway, he promises Yul that he doesn't think Yul is "a bad person" for getting Jonathan to flip. Of course, he still thinks Jonathan is a bad person for flipping, because Adam is an idiot. "At this point, it doesn't matter," Adam says. "Why not have me or Parvati in the fifth spot instead of Jonathan?" Let's see...because that would put you one immunity challenge victory away from F4, at which point things become very unpredictable and you are pretty much guaranteed to win if you get in front of the jury?
In an interview, Yul tells us that he doesn't feel very good about being "the Godfather" and "arranging a hit" on someone, and then Jonathan asks Yul if he's the one going, and Yul says that he'll "do everything [he] can." Jonathan tells Yul that he knows things are obviously different, and that it was a really bad time for him to be gone. Yul kind of agrees that this is true. Jonathan also says that Adam and Parvati are "charming young people." "Charming"? Whatever. On the other hand, Jonathan says, "let's not be stupid, please." Yow. I don't know about that move right there. Jonathan goes on to say that getting rid of him might seem safe, but that if you leave Adam and Parvati there, then they're...still there. In an interview, Jonathan says that it makes much more sense for the ex-Aitu members to keep him, since he saved them and is presumably on their side. He can't believe that they'd sacrifice what they've been working for "because Parvati is smiling at them now" or because Adam has finally decided to carry a few sticks of wood. I have to admit, I kind of feel him there.
Yul then has a chat with Ozzy in which he says that he doesn't want either Jonathan or Adam at F5, because either of them has the potential to win the challenge and, presumably, interfere with the desired F4 situation. Ozzy interviews that Adam and Jonathan both need to go, but he and Yul aren't sure whom to get rid of first. Ozzy thinks that "the girls" being cool is all they need. Yul thinks the four are set for F4 as long as "no one does anything crazy."
Tribal council. Everyone walks in, and Jeff introduces the jury. Adam literally licks his lips when Candice walks by. Because what you want to do in this kind of situation is play it cool. Once everyone is situated, Jeff asks Parvati the biggest softball question of all time: which was better, seeing her dad, or all the food? That would, incidentally, be an awesome thing to offer sometime: feast or family. Would starving people who were going to see their relatives in a week anyway actually give up food no matter how hungry they were? I don't know, because it never happens that way. Of course, Parvati says, just as anyone would say, that she preferred seeing her dad. Jeff asks Adam about the possible effects of a good meal on challenge performance. Adam says that Ozzy didn't go, and he still won, so maybe that's not such a big thing. Adam says it's more that going to Exile Island will keep you from being able to win immunity. He certainly is desperate to believe that he and Parvati have engineered Jonathan's ouster. I mean, the thing is, Parvati and Adam are in a very uncomfortable position, because they're going to be irrelevant. You know who came in sixth and seventh last season? Me neither, off the top of my head, because you're lucky if people remember the final four. (Aras, Danielle, Cirie, and Terry. Ha!) Adam and Parvati aren't going to be recalled as major parts of the story, provided that the story remains like this, except in the sense that they're Pagonging fodder. They're striving for relevance here, and that's why they're saying that it would feel like winning. They're just saying that it would feel like they did something they could gloat over later, rather than being forced to go home and be like, "Well, we did a shit job of winning challenges and we didn't know enough not to treat a guy like garbage when we still desperately needed his vote, and that's how we managed to blow a numerical advantage that would normally have stood us in good stead." They'd rather be like, "That was pretty awesome how we got rid of Jonathan." It doesn't get them money, but it makes them matter.
Jeff asks Parvati about sending Jonathan to Exile Island, and she claims that she did it for strategic reasons. Which, because she also did it out of bitterness, initially sounds like bullshit, and it probably is. But in fact, it would have been a decent strategic move if she had actually done it that way, given that it continued the trend toward him being ostracized and treated like an unwelcome jackass, which was their best chance at getting him booted. Of course, Parvati has to try to make it sound as mean as possible, so she says she was hoping that the rest of the tribe would see that things are "better without him" and keep her. Jeff, also on the train of bitching about Jonathan as much as possible, asks Ozzy whether it was "nice not having Jonathan around." I have to say, I don't think I've ever seen Probst work this hard to provoke personal insults about a specific contestant before. It's very distracting and...weirdly unprofessional, actually. It's like watching him slant the entire Vanuatu reunion in order to serve his romance with Julie -- it's not like I expect him to be a Fred Friendly moderator of the discussion, but when it feels like his agenda is determining what questions get asked, it's irritating. Ozzy takes the bait and says, "Sure," and when asked why, he says that Jonathan has a "strong personality" and that "sometimes it's hard to be around him." Candice gloats and giggles. Dear Candice: Jonathan beat you. Seriously. It's time to stop acting like you're getting the better of him.
Jeff asks Jonathan whether he's surprised by any of this. Jonathan says he's "disappointed" that Adam and Parvati have had such an "influence" on the rest of the group, to the point where they're going to forget "the flop that [he] made for them." Adam laughs contemptuously and says, "Once again, Jeff, just like last tribal council, no one wants Jonathan around. Just the fact that there's six Good People out here that really deserve to be here..." "Why don't I deserve to be here?" Jonathan asks. "Just your integrity. You don't have any," Adam lectures.
Time out. Can we talk about integrity for a second? Can we chat about what the possible meaning of that can be in a situation like this? Because it seems to me that there are a few options. The first is non-game-related integrity about your way of treating people. Like not calling a person a "cancer" or a "filthy rat" just because you don't like the way he voted. In other words, not being a gratuitous asshole. I haven't seen Jonathan do anything that constituted being a gratuitous asshole. A bit of a boor, I suppose, with the burping after tribal council, but I don't think we've come to the point where burping or not burping qualifies as a mark of integrity. The second option would be community-related integrity not related to voting. In other words, you have to do your share to contribute to the community resources like food, water, and so forth. It looks perfectly obvious to me that Jonathan has held his own in this regard, and there's no basis for any complaining. The third option would be game-related integrity in the sense of playing the way you say you play. If you say you'll do anything for a million dollars, then when you actually do that, then you still have this kind of integrity, where at least your words match your deeds. I haven't seen Jonathan go against this kind of integrity in any way. The fourth option would be game integrity where you are always up-front and honest about what you're going to do about voting. I think this tends to be the sticking point: is it or is it not okay to intentionally mislead other people about what you're going to do? Is it okay for me to tell you, "I am going to vote for person A," if in fact, I am going to vote for you? If you ask me, am I allowed to say I'm voting for person A, or am I obligated to say I am voting for you? If I do, are you obligated to tell me what you plan to do to save yourself? Are you obligated to tell me what offers you're going to make? Is it acceptable to lie by omission by simply not telling me what offers you're making? This kind of "integrity" is completely unworkable in this game. I'm convinced, though I can't prove it with math, that if other people play rationally, it's basically impossible to win if you are constantly very up-front about who you're going to vote for and what your long-term intentions are.
The final form of "integrity," of course, is the one they're usually trying to talk about, which is game trust. Predictability. When you say you're going to do one thing, I can count on the fact that you're going to do that one thing. It's not just that you tell me the truth about your intentions at a particular point; it's that if you tell me you're going to vote one way, you will reliably vote that way. The opposite of this is the "flip" or "flop" or "backstab." This is so similar to a concept of actual trust that people rely on in their day-to-day lives -- if you agree to complete a project at a particular time, I can count on the fact that you're going to do it; if you agree not to sleep with someone else while we're dating, I can count on the fact that you won't -- that people confuse it with actual trust, which is a character issue, even though that's not what it is. The person whose game play is inferior when there is a collapse of game trust is the trusting person, not the trusted person. You're under no obligation to be predictable. That's not part of the rules, and everyone knows it isn't part of the rules. People have been saying one thing and doing something else since the beginning of the game, including saying "I won't say one thing and do something else," and later changing their minds. It's just that being good at identifying people whose behavior you can predict -- as Yul did with Jonathan -- is part of being a good player. When you know what people are going to do, you can affect it infinitely more easily.
I guess the real last definition of integrity, which perhaps is the one that's actually in the back of these people's heads, is one that amounts to "people with integrity don't do anything to keep me from winning." I mean, normally, you have a right to resent people who do something specifically designated to keep you from getting something you want. If someone sandbags you with regard to a promotion, or intentionally hits on your date, or tries to make it so you'll be late to an interview, you normally have a right to be pissed off. The problem is that Survivor is like poker or bumper cars, in that (1) it is zero-sum; and (2) everyone agrees at the beginning, at least tacitly, that they will all try to win. They aren't allowed to keep it from being zero-sum. They aren't allowed to do what an actual social group might actually do, which is split the money. They are forced to have no purpose in the game other than self-interest. It is impossible to play this game in a way that intentionally improves someone else's odds of winning without decreasing everyone else's odds of winning, including your own. This is why "integrity" stuff about alliances doesn't work. The idea is, "We formed an alliance, and you stabbed me in the back." The problem is that those decisions aren't symmetrical. If I make a sacrifice for you on the understanding that you also make sacrifices for me (I pick you up and take you to work, because I know you'll do the same for me, and maybe we even talk about that), then later, I have a chit to call in. But when you form an alliance, it's in everyone's interest. If it weren't, you wouldn't do it. Nobody gets into an alliance thinking that it damages their position and they're making a sacrifice for the other people in the alliance. But later, at the time when the alleged "backstabber" makes the flip, it's because now, his interests are better served by ditching the alliance, meaning that by staying with it, he damages himself. You can't ask people to do something that costs them something in return for something you did that cost you nothing. That's not even. That's why they were so pissed off to find out that Yul had the idol -- at some level, they realized that Jonathan really did have to flip. They were really in the situation they didn't want to be in, where Jonathan did the only right thing by flipping on them, and he even did something that probably helped Candice.
"You flop all the time, and it's frustrating to see, every time we come to tribal council, to see them [gesturing at the jury] over there, and he should have been voted out each time they were voted out." Huh. I believe that Brad, Rebecca, and Jenny were all voted off by blocs including Adam, who I believe could have voted Jonathan off in any of those three cases. Jonathan, fortunately, calls bullshit on this immediately: "I beg to differ, okay? All of the people that were voted off from Raro were not voted off only by me." Thank you! "You know, I was in a desperate situation where I had come over there, and it was their tribemates who voted for them." I prefer to think Jenny makes a face like she agrees. Jeff asks Jonathan whether he thinks that the Aitu four owe him something for "saving them" and giving them a shot at winning. Jonathan makes an error by saying yes, and that "some of them would not be here" if he hadn't flopped when he did. True, of course, but you can't possibly expect debts to be repaid in that way. To the degree that Jonathan did anything other than act out of self-interest (including helping the Aitu people because he liked them better, as I think he did), he did it because it didn't really matter what he did, because he wasn't going to win anyway. I don't think he can expect people who do have a chance to win to harm their chances to pay him back for that. He reiterates that he thinks he's earned his right to be here, both tonight and for another three days. I could go the rest of my show-watching life without "earned" or "deserved," and I wouldn't miss either one.
Jeff asks Yul about the fact that Jonathan is saying he saved the four, while he's heard Yul say they saved Jonathan. Which is it? Yul quite rightly points out that it's both -- they both would have been screwed if they hadn't gotten together, which is how these things work, if you think about it, so it's kind of a dumb question. That's why alliances form -- they're in everyone's interest.
After clarifying that Ozzy isn't planning on giving away the idol (duh), Jeff moves along to the vote. Becky votes. Sundra votes. Jonathan votes for Adam, calling him "the biggest threat." Parvati votes. Ozzy votes. Adam votes for Jonathan, smirking, "You should have been voted out a long time ago." Yul votes. When Jeff returns, he reads off the votes, all of which are for Jonathan except Jonathan's own. Adam looks over at Candice and grins and waggles his eyebrows, and she mouths back, "Good job." They are such idiots. You are still not winning. You have gained exactly nothing. Candice, in particular, is just as gone as she was five minutes ago. These people are barely smart enough to clip their own fingernails, I swear. Not to mention, since when is the jury allowed to talk to the people still in the game? Can we get a ruling on that, please? Because if mouthing is allowed, I think some other people might like the opportunity to take part. Would you be allowed to mouth "vote off Adam"? Jonathan takes his snuffing like a champ, and on his way out, he turns and says over his shoulder that he wants his hat back. Heh. You really shouldn't want it back, dude.
Jonathan's parting words basically consist of a sort of delightful explanation of the fact that now, everyone can enjoy being in the game without anyone who ever lies or stabs anyone in the back...not.
week: Adam and Parvati try to save themselves by hooking up with Ozzy, though not in the Playboy Channel way. YET.