One the one hand, Terry wins immunity again through yet another strength challenge, which could not be more boring. Furthermore, he is once again luckier than anyone, ever, because he gets to win the car by competing against half as many people as you'd usually have to. On the other hand, a split vote is planned for practically the first time ever, as Cirie decides that the only way a likable person stands a chance to survive to F2 is to get rid of the cannon fodder everyone else is saving for F2. Thus do Cirie, Aras, and Chiclets get rid of Courtney, while Terry and Courtney think it's on to get rid of Aras and Shane thinks it's Chiclets all the way. The surprise on the faces of Shane and Terry when their chosen F2 partner gets the boot is almost enough to make up for the fact that we're marching toward some kind of really dumb F2 that many of us already feel confident we're going to dislike.
Previously on Intestinal Fortitude: Cirie took Chiclets and Aras on a spa day, and Terry went to Exile Island, but Shane and Courtney stayed home long enough to load Bruce onto the emergency boat after it turned out that "What crawled up his ass and died?" was, for the first time in the history of Survivor contestants, kind of a serious question. Ultimately, by the time the spa people returned, all that was left to do was listen to Jeff Probst solemnly explain that Bruce would not be back, but at least he wasn't going to explode, which was a good thing.
We fade up on Gitanos, Day 28. The team is rattling around camp, as Aras prepares to go fishing with hermit crabs. Because he's the daddy. But Terry is the really big daddy, and he's out in the water fishing, as well. Whichever one of them gets a fish first may marry the village's fairest lass, and shall not be denied. Aras explains to us that the tribe is pretty much running out of food at this point, so there's not much choice but to figure out how to catch fish or start chewing on trees. As for Terry, he sensitively explains that Bruce's exit was a good thing for him, because he "got to skip a challenge." Considering that Terry pretty much needs all of them, it was a good thing. He totally means to add, "Not that I would see anyone's hospitalization as entirely a boon to me." But he forgets to say it. He's sorry! He claims that it's "really imperative to make some allies" and to try to drag a couple of Casayans into some kind of a deal. This, he would like you to think, is the first time that this has occurred to him, despite the fact that almost every week starts with Terry saying that now -- NOW! -- is the part where his big plan to make friends will get underway. Any minute now, he's going to start swaying people. Any. Minute. Now.
Shane strolls into camp. He throws down a big log. (Ew, no, not in the Bruce-is-jealous way.) He pulls a piece of wood out of his back pocket. (Ew, you have a dirty mind.) The piece of wood is a flat thing, about the size of a pack of playing cards. Or, as it happens...a Blackberry. "Uh-oh," Cirie observes. "Shane's going on his thinking rock with his Blackberry." So not only has Shane retained the Thinking Seat, but now he has paired it with his imaginary Blackberry made of wood. Shades of the coconut phone! I entirely support the creation of imaginary doodads. If I were out there, I would make an iPod out of seed pods, and then I would say "Get it? Pod?" to everyone, twenty or so times a day until I was voted off. We watch as Shane holds the Woodberry in his hands and makes key-punching motions with his thumbs. He tells us that he was wandering around, and he found this piece of wood, and it was just like a Blackberry. You know, except that it's a piece of wood. Not that I don't have several dead electronic toys that are little more than pieces of wood at this point. (Hello, phone I dropped into a bowl of salsa! Hello, iPod Shuffle that randomly stopped being able to hold a charge!) He tells us that he picked up the piece of wood and kept it, and he uses it for texting, email, phone, and browsing the web. In an acoustic sort of way, of course. I wonder if he's reading recaps on that tiny thing. Maybe so. I have occasionally read recaps on my cell phone, and since I favor American Idol recaps, you can imagine how long that takes. Shane tells us that whenever he thinks of something he wants to tell his partner, or his son, or whoever, he just tells them. "It's actually helped my day," Shane says. "I'm communicating with people not on this island." I suspect those people find Shane a lot less annoying when they can't actually hear him and aren't, you know, aware that he's talking to them, so it's kind of win-win all around. For her part, Chiclets finds the whole thing "a little strange." Shane shows us how he goes through the addressing and sending process without the benefit of buttons or batteries. It's kind of like the heartwarming ending of The Grinch Who Robbed Best Buy. "He's nuts," Chiclets interviews.
Challenge time. The tribe strolls in and greets Jeff. Today will be a challenge for reward. They'll be divided into two teams of three. Everyone will be tied to a rope that runs all the way along an obstacle course. They'll all have to follow along the rope through a set of obstacles. When you get to the final platform, you can unclip from the rope, and then one at a time, you hop across a series of floating "lily pads," then dive down to open a box and retrieve a bag. Three bags. Then you clip back into the rope and go back through the obstacles. First team back wins reward. And what's the reward? Fly to your own island for a giant barbecue. Randomly drawing teams, it turns out to be Terry, Chiclets, and Courtney against Cirie, Aras, and Shane. So it's going to be seen under the prevailing tribe mythology as "Terry And The Terrytones Versus Cirie And The Two Dudes Trying To Drag Her Through An Obstacle Course." Should be a hoot. Ready? Go!
There's not that much to say about this challenge, except that Cirie isn't quite as agile as her teammates, and they do get a little vigorous throwing her around, to the point where the hold that valiant swimsuit has on her breasts appears to be tenuous, indeed. For a while, the teams are even, but at one point, the Aras/Shane/Cirie team gets tangled up in the ropes, and they have an outrageously difficult time figuring out how to get untangled. Meanwhile, Terry, Chiclets, and Courtney start to pull well ahead. Terry dives to retrieve the first bag. Chiclets goes for the second one. Courtney goes for the third. Cirie, Aras, and Shane are still tangled. Courtney, Chiclets and Terry head back. "Get your asses out of that water!" Jeff yells at Cirie, Shane, and Aras. He is so strict! He's like an angry nun, with more naughty words and a less coherent moral structure. And they finally do move said asses out of the water, but it's way beyond too late by that point. Shane almost dashes his bones to smithereens himself a number of times while he's running across the lily pad part, because he is not exactly light on his feet. I am sort of envisioning him texting his business partner to say, "Ow!" Terry, Chiclets, and Courtney win easily, and they will be enjoying a delicious barbecue. Terry will personally kill a ceremonial hog! Not really. But he could.
Now, Terry and company have to send someone to Exile Island. Terry wants to send Aras, on the basis that he's the biggest threat and would be weakened for the immunity challenge if they sent him. Chiclets and Courtney don't want to take a stand because it can't really benefit them. They defer to Terry, and Terry does, indeed, send Aras to Exile Island. "More beans for us, Cirie," Shane mutters. When Cirie and Shane are gone, Jeff announces that they will compete for another challenge. And what is it? It's using a slingshot to shoot marbles at ceramic tiles. And what is it for? The car. Because Terry is the luckiest fuck in the history of ever, and it only stands to reason that he would get to do the car challenge against only two people, neither of whom is as likely to have quite as much experience shooting at things as he does, what with how he's a fighter pilot. I swear, they could not hand more stuff to this guy if he were a presenter at the Golden Globes. Why even bother recapping the challenge? Of course Terry wins the GMC Yukon. Of course he does. And he only has to compete against two people, just like he only had to compete against two people in one of his famous immunity victories, and just like he had to compete against no people last week, because there happened to be a medical evacuation. Snore.
Exile Island. Day 29. Aras is doing yoga. Triangle! I recognize it, because I can remember the ones that are named after things they look like, rather than moody animals. Aras tells us that he's sure Terry has the idol, so he's not going to bother looking for it. He says that the stay is "unnecessary in terms of the positives." In other words, "Booo-ring. Booo-ring. Going into exile is booo-ring." I hear deposed dictators often feel the same way.
The plane lands, leaving Terry, Chiclets, and Courtney to go on their feast. And indeed, there is Terry's car. "It was righteous, man," Terry says. Oh, good grief. GMC Yukons are not "righteous," dear. Terry also tells us that when his wife sent him away, she just wanted him to win the car. See? He's doing it all for the little lady. "Let's see what this bad boy can do," he says, as they get in the car. And seriously, Terry -- to paraphrase a fine lady, a GMC Yukon is not a "bad boy," either. They all drive to the beach and start to unload for their barbecue. Courtney says that it was nice to be on the winning side, and this was her "dream team." As Chiclets plays with a soccer ball, Terry says to Courtney that he would "do anything to get us [meaning this group] to a final three." Well, of course he would! Two people, both of whom he can beat in an F3, one of whom is the most hated person on the tribe? No shit he would do anything to get these two to F3 with him. Terry voices over that he's going to try to "forge a relationship" with the women. That Terry. He's always, always, always forging relationships. They seem difficult to forge, though. Courtney happily says to Terry that if they can just take Aras out this time, and then take Shane out time, they'll be in the final four with Cirie. They seem to take it as a given that Cirie would obviously not win immunity, and would be easily dispensed with. Courtney says that joining up with Terry has been in her mind for a while, because she thinks she has a decent chance against him to actually win the million dollars. F2 voting is always very tricky to predict, but I can see why she might think that way.
When Chiclets joins the conversation, Terry tells her that they've been talking about the three of them going to the final four together. Chiclets explains in an interview that it's not like she was surprised that Terry would rather be in an F4 with the three women rather than with Aras and Shane. "I like that idea," Chiclets says, "but he's going to have to change up his strategy a little bit, too. I'm not going to make this so easy for him to win." I'm not sure she has it in her to force the issue all that much, but it's nice to see someone at least not wanting to lie down and follow the boys wherever they ask her to go.
Gitanos, Day 29. Cirie and Shane are bored. Shane wants to discuss strategy. Shane is happy that they're through to F5, because if Terry wins immunity, their plan is to boot Chiclets. "But then there's still Courtney," Cirie says. "It'll be me, you, and Courtney." Wait, what? Shane says that either of them would "beat Courtney," and I'm not sure whether that means...in a vote? In an immunity challenge? In a final immunity challenge? Is there an F2 pact here that excludes Aras? I feel like I require clarification, not to nitpick. Cirie interviews that Shane just might be able to win if he takes Courtney to F2. Against anybody else, Cirie thinks Shane is probably screwed, but he might win the money if he could get there with Courtney. Cirie interviews that Courtney is more dangerous to her than having Terry around: "So I just want to get rid of Courtney as soon as I possibly can, and then go from there." That is...an interesting theory. I'm not sure it's ultimately going to save Cirie, who I still think is likely to go at F4 or so (if not before), based on the unlikelihood of her winning immunity and the likelihood that she would have an excellent chance of winning against almost any of these fools.
Snails are escaping from the pot where they're being cooked. That is kind of...sad. It's like the snails are having their own drama, trying to get out during a major event, like Sylvester Stallone's team in Victory. (If you've never seen that movie, just...don't. Soccer, Michael Caine, and Nazis really do not mix.) Cirie has had enough of the snails -- and, presumably, chasing their uncooperative asses back into the pot -- and she wants to go fishing. She takes the fishing line, and she vows to "be back with fish." Shane clearly does not take this prospect particularly seriously. Cirie interviews that she fished as a kid, so she figured she might as well try it.
And then we watch the agonizing sequence in which Cirie smashes a snail on a rock in order to use it as bait. "Sorry, snail," she says. She can't even bear to look at the snail she's about to kill. She hates this horrible moment. But finally, she gets a big rock, turns to the snail, and hits it, giving little shrieks between hits. "Sorry," she says again. With the bait snail dead, Cirie throws the line out into the water. And, before you know it, she has a fish, which she can barely manage to tell us about, because her explanation comes out in squeals that I couldn't really make out, but that my dog immediately offered to translate. Her first question, as she pulls the fish in, is an anxious one: "Is that a puffer?" Because, seriously. She is going to be bummed if that's a poisonous fish and she wore out her squealing capabilities for nothing. But it isn't. "Shane is going to be so happy!" she squeals, as she pulls the fish -- to whom, incidentally, she does not apologize -- up onto a rock. I wonder why the fish isn't worthy of her apologies. As a matter of fact, she not only does not apologize, but giggles and squeals as she starts to take the fish back. There is a very good and clever shot of Cirie dragging this poor fish through the sand, giving it perhaps the least dignified exit a fish has ever had, short of being mounted over a mantel and hooked up to electronics that force its mouth to open and close so it can sing songs to drunks at parties.
Shane is chopping a coconut when Cirie returns, singing "Happy Birthday" and carrying her fish. He smiles. "Unbelievable," he says. "How did that happen?" In an interview, she giggles wonderfully, and tells us that she was "so happy." And: no kidding, dude. I would be, too. Because of the fish, and because she doesn't exactly have a reputation as the most bad-ass person on the tribe, provider-wise. She says that she was thrilled to catch a fish -- especially a big fish, which it appears this, indeed, was. Shane gives Cirie a very heartfelt hug. They obviously do really like each other, as mystifying to me as that is. "Cirie Fields caught the biggest fish out here. The girl from Jersey," he says with shock. "Captain America has been swimming around for three weeks, and nothing. How great is that?" Shane needs to sit down right now and tell a tree about this!
The boat brings back the challenge winners. Chiclets talks about how great it was to see that Cirie caught a fish. That's probably sincere, since she can afford to be generous, having gotten to go on two consecutive fancy-pants rewards. Cirie says that she was very happy she waited with her fish so that the returning heroes could see it. In other words, "Take that, Fighter Pilot!" She is so cute.
When we return, it is Day 30 at Gitanos. Waves ripple on the shore. Chiclets and Terry sort snails, which either means they're getting picky about bait or they're returning to snail-eating after a single fish. "What are you going to do when it's me, you, and Courtney?" Chiclets asks him. Despite the fact that, you know, she undoubtedly knows the answer. "You going to take Courtney?" He pauses. "What, to the finals?" he asks. No, to the prom, knucklehead. "Yeah," Chiclets says. "You want to take Courtney to the final two. You're going to take Courtney. Is that who you want to take?" I sort of drool at the possibility that this is going to blossom into an interrogation. "I don't know, I haven't given much thought to it," Terry lies through his teeth. "I just don't want to settle for third," Chiclets says. Terry confirms in an interview that, indeed, in his ideal universe, he would take Courtney. And he thinks Chiclets would, too. "I am not set on taking Courtney to the finals, if that's what you're asking," Terry tells Chiclets. "Because I'm not okay with that," Chiclets reiterates. "I'm not going to settle for third place." And then she says the awesome line: "Don't take someone because people think she's annoying." I so wish the universe worked that way, don't you? Terry suggests to Chiclets that they make a pact: in the F3 challenge, whoever comes in first will take whoever comes in second. Chiclets thinks that sounds fair. "Fight it out like brothers and sisters," Terry says. He tells us that he wants it all to be fair and things, "beat the best" and so forth. This seems just slightly contrary to the "I'd like to take Courtney to the final two" business, unless he thinks that Courtney is "the best." But maybe I'm overthinking.
Chiclets goes to explain this pact to Courtney. "We feel that would be fair," Chiclets says of the idea of the first-place person in the F3 taking the second-place person to the finals. "I'm not going to settle for third place," Chiclets says again. "It's an interesting way to figure things out, but...," Courtney says, clearly already pissed off, probably because she figured she was getting taken to F2 by virtue of being annoying. Which is, if you think about it, kind of annoying. "Don't you think that's the fairest, though?" Chiclets asks. "That way no one's getting a free ride -- you work for it." Courtney immediately bristles. Well, she bristles more. "Please. No one's getting a free ride, dude," she says. "But sure, we can do it that way. I don't really care either way. It doesn't make a difference to me." "That seems the most...the fairest to me," Chiclets says. Now, Courtney interviews that she found this all "extremely insulting," because she thought it was so obvious that she was the target of the "free ride" remark. Chiclets inadvertently digs the hole deeper by telling Courtney that she thinks it's "better to earn it," which causes Courtney to go all weird and defensive talking about how everybody has earned it and so forth. Courtney tells Chiclets that the "free ride" remark made her really angry. Boy, does it never benefit you to get into this ego stuff at this point in the game. It's just supremely unwise, you know? You can't get all "Don't disrespect my game!" if you want to win. In fact, if there's anything I can think of that all winners have in common, all of them have avoided taking suggestions personally that they haven't adequately "earned" their position in the game. Although people are so notoriously sensitive that I'm sure I'm forgetting some entitled asshole or another. "If any of us would make it anywhere, it's because we earned it," Courtney says as she walks past Cirie.
Cirie, of course, wants to know what that was all about, about "earning it" and so forth. Chiclets basically explains this plan directly to Cirie, who immediately recognizes that it assumes she would go at F4. Cirie doesn't understand why Chiclets would want to take Courtney, who she thinks would probably come in second to Terry in an F3 challenge, and hand the finals to her like that. Cirie tells Chiclets that the thing to do is take away the person Terry wants to take to F2. It doesn't need to be a big thing where they fight with Terry, because it's not like they need to tell him in advance what they're doing. They can say they're voting for Aras and then just get rid of Courtney. She also makes the point to Chiclets that Terry would, in actuality, take Courtney to the finals every time, no matter what kind of a deal they made in advance, and that claims to the contrary are frankly bullshit. "Courtney's going," Cirie interviews. And then she kind of laughs at herself for being diabolical, even though she's in the process of being as successfully diabolical as anyone has been thus far this season.
Challenge setup. It's a big complicated thing with hanging bags and whatnot, but what it comes down to is a big old physical challenge -- again -- involving kneeling on a plank and holding up increasing percentages of your own weight on two ropes. Brute strength. Again. Some more. They all kneel. Ready? Go. Assume that for the rest of this paragraph, the sun is beating down, people are squinting, arms are trembling, and so forth, okay? Because that way, I won't feel obligated to tell you. At the opening of the challenge, they're all holding 20% of their own body weight, and Jeff is helpful enough to tell us how much that is. It's about the same for Terry, Aras, Cirie, and Shane, and then less for Courtney and Chiclets. Does Shane really still weigh as much as Terry? That surprises me, dude. Shane looks skinny as hell, like he's all bones and veins sticking out. I wonder if these calculations are based on pre-show weights, in which case the people who haven't kept their bulk up as well are presumably the most seriously SOL.
Cirie is the first to look uncomfortable. At fifteen minutes, they'll be adding another 10 % of your body weight. Shane quickly announces that he won't make it, and he drops the weight. He's out after only thirteen minutes. See? He got skinny! I love it when the empirical evidence is not directly contrary to my rank speculation. Two minutes later, weight is added for the first time. Cirie, who first complains that the ropes are burning her hands, drops out at eighteen minutes. Danielle drops out at nineteen minutes. Aras, Courtney, and Terry are left. Aras drops out at twenty-three minutes. So now, it's Terry and Courtney. Shane promises Courtney that Terry is wavering. Which kind of looks true. And Courtney actually looks very Zen at this point, like she really has a shot at this challenge. But at thirty minutes, when they add another 10%, she is utterly and immediately undone by the increase. Neither one of these people is going to make it a lot farther, but Courtney is in more immediate trouble. At thirty-one minutes, Courtney drops, and Terry wins yet another physical immunity challenge. This part, y'all, is getting really boring. It's not to take away from his victories, but...he's just not that interesting enough for his preservation to be compelling to me. I don't care if he stays. I don't care about his ability to save himself endlessly. He has, as far as I can see, no personality, except being kind of full of himself and talking too much about his military days. These are not things that make me think I really want to sit around talking to a person.
Gitanos, still on Day 30. Terry tells us that winning was "awesome." He also thinks that Aras knows he's on the block. Courtney and Cirie chat, and Courtney says that nobody can beat Aras in a final, so he's still the biggest threat, and they should still be good for F4 with the two of them, Chiclets, and Terry. Courtney says that they'll all vote for Aras, and Aras and Shane will vote for Chiclets. Courtney interviews that this will piss off Shane, but she'll deal with "the wrath of Shane" later. Courtney calls Terry over with a weird whistle, pointing out that she at least put up a fight in the challenge. Terry patronizingly tells her that she "kicked [his] ass." Does he think she's slow or something? I mean, as I understand it, Courtney was a very serious athlete at one point, so she probably knows that when you lose, a person who beat you telling you that you "kicked [his] ass" is not acting out of sincerity so much as pity. Terry interviews that they're sending Aras home tonight, and everything's good. His oats, they are many, and he is feeling every one of them.
Now, Cirie talks to Shane, and she claims that Courtney called her over only to make sure she was okay with voting out Chiclets. Now, it seems like Aras is around, as well. Shane asks Courtney whether everything's okay. She says that while "nothing's okay," nothing's changing about voting off Chiclets. "Shane wants to take Courtney to the final two," Cirie interviews again. She knows that Terry does, too, which makes Courtney "the most dangerous person out here." She says that getting rid of Courtney will give her, Aras, and Chiclets "more leverage." Now, she pulls Aras over and explains everything that's going on. Aras talks about how she "has [his] back," which totally is not the point. Aras, Cirie, and Chiclets have a talk in which Cirie says that the only way to keep Aras is for the three of them to vote for Courtney. Then Terry and Courtney will vote for Aras, and Shane will vote for Chiclets. Chiclets question is whether she'd rather be with Aras and Cirie or Terry, Courtney and Cirie. Chiclets, of course, needs reassurance that Terry and Courtney are really going to vote for Aras, because she can't vote for Courtney if it means that Terry and Courtney will go along with Shane and vote for her -- that's a tie, which is no good. "If you want to be here tomorrow," Cirie says, "you, me, and Aras have to vote Courtney." Cirie interviews that she just hopes Chiclets doesn't freak out and just "stays calm tonight and follows through with the plan."
Tribal council. Everyone has a seat. Jeff brings in the jury, including -- Bruce! He gets a big round of applause. Jeff says that Bruce spent a few days in a hospital, but it kind of looks like he spent it at a salon. He looks oddly...less weathered and more weathered at the same time. Less weathered like Hawaii, more weathered like L.A. Also, Sally has decided to wear every kind of makeup she has ever owned to celebrate her debut on the jury. Yay! That's always a good idea. Now, Jeff asks Terry about the bonding that took place after the reward challenge he won with Chiclets and Courtney, and Terry confirms that group bonding took place. He clearly doesn't want to say too much and reveal the masterstroke that he is about to display. Jeff asks Cirie whether she believes Terry's claim that the bonding involves putting the game aside for a while, and Cirie says she does not. She says it's a game, and people are always playing: "As long as you're here and your torch is lit, the game is still going on." When did she get so smart? It's very weird.
Jeff brings up Terry's immunity run, asking whether people have approached him for alliances. He says not really, and "the pressure's up" to win every immunity challenge. Aras acknowledges that somebody from their group, which has held up pretty well, has to go home tonight, and that it might be him. Jeff brings up the pros and cons, saying that on the one hand, Aras is a threat, but on the other hand, he's the best shot they have at beating Terry, maybe, so how does that play out? Aras agrees, and says they have a better chance at a group level if they keep him. Jeff asks Shane how you decide who to get rid of. Too early to think about F2? Shane talks about how they have to "eat one of [their] own," and says that it will be "dramatic."
Jeff asks Chiclets whether she has thoughts about F2. Chiclets says she just can't stop numbers from rattling around in her head. I have that same problem whenever I count past about seventeen. Then he asks Courtney about being called "most annoying" and so forth during the challenge last week, and whether she thinks that she might get herself to F2 on the basis of being disliked. Courtney claims she isn't thinking about that challenge, and that F2 decisions have to be made later, not right now. Courtney will, of course, be thinking about that challenge for the rest of her life, and she will base her vote on something at least tangentially related to it, I guarantee you. She's exactly that kind of person.
Terry will be keeping the immunity necklace. Now, it's time to vote. Cirie votes for Courtney, calling it "a strategic move." Terry votes for Aras, saying, "I couldn't have asked for a better rival." Aras votes. Shane votes for Chiclets: "You get to eat as much as you want, and I will never yell at you again." Courtney votes for Aras, calling him "brother." Hey, who hasn't had to bump off a sibling here and there? Chiclets votes.
Now, it's time to read the votes. One for Aras. One for Chiclets. Another for Aras. Shane looks a little surprised. One for Courtney. Another for Courtney. Now Shane does a double-take, which is very satisfying if you dislike Shane powerfully enough. Since I dislike Shane powerfully enough to satisfy several people, you can imagine how much I enjoy that double-take. And then there is a third vote for Courtney, so she's done. Shane looks stunned. Terry just looks...disappointed. Emotionless! God. Courtney pauses to give a drama-queen look over her shoulder as she leaves. She is never talking to you guys again! They all take their torches and head back to camp. The fact that both Terry and Shane were foiled in the same tribal council...it makes catching a fish look like small change, Cirie.