After maybe the most darkly amusing opening ever, in which a chicken is sacrificed, eaten, and avenged, we move to our first immunity challenge, in which Rafe wins the usual F4 maze. He sticks to his guns about not booting Danni, and as a result, one of the most clearly questionable decisions of the game is made at F4 when Lydia -- who would absolutely not have won any endurance challenge that could ever have been invented -- is voted off. The F3 challenge is sort of awesome in that it starts out as one kind of challenge and evolves into another kind, and after Rafe loses because he breaks his concentration and Steph goes until she flat-out collapses, Danni finds herself on her way to F2 and has to choose between Rafe and Steph. Rafe tells Danni to go with what she thinks is right, but much like last week, it turns out that what Rafe thinks is "right" has a lot to do with what benefits Rafe personally. At the final tribal council, there is the usual combination of bitching and moaning and passive-aggressive crap, although honestly, it could have been worse, given some of the people involved. In fact, some of them actually seem to have pulled themselves together while they were sequestered. I KNOW! Rafe is kind of self-important, and Judd is a total asshole, but other than that, it could be worse. As likable as Danni is, it's not quite as perfect as one might wish when she ultimately wins, because although Steph was bitchy a lot of the time, she played a brilliant game, and the crap dished at tribal council is as sour-grapesian as ever. But Danni is cool, too, and her victory is a happy one. Overall, a surprisingly satisfying finale, and one with far less infuriating nonsense than usual.
Previously: the season. First there, were Yaxha and Nakum, and there were Stephenie and Bobby Jon, and there was much head-scratching and debate regarding the integrity of Survivor and other nullities. Then there was the mighty Nakum and the sad Yaxha, and then stuff got all mixed up. Sad things happened, like when Amy left, and awesome things happened, like when Blake left. By the time the merge happened, Stephenie was riding high atop an alliance including herself, Judd, Jamie, Lydia, Cindy, and Rafe, and poor Farmer Beavis was the first to go. Then Gary "Sonic" Hogeboom found himself an immunity idol, which bounced Bobby Jon before his time. Jamie was charged and convicted of first-degree twitchiness, and was sent home before he could do any more damage. Gary then ran out of miracles, and Judd ran out of languages in which he knew how to say "man," and Cindy underestimated how much gay Mormons dig cool cars, leaving the final four to be Steph, Rafe, Lydia, and Danni.
We find ourselves on Day 37 in Guatemala, where the water is placid, the birds are singing, and Lydia is smiling and working as usual, like the nose-to-the-grindstone Disney character she apparently is. If I ever need a gown to go to a ball, dance with a prince, and lose my shoe, I'm totally calling her, because she may not be brilliant, but I'm thinking she's better than mice. Lydia tells us in an interview that she was very happy about waking up and finding herself in the final four. She always "felt like the odd man out." She goes on: "Why am I here? Is it my destiny?" I'm with her on the part about wondering why she's here, certainly. She concludes that someone must be "watching over" her. I hope that's true, because if He's busy over here, maybe He won't look out for the Weavers. Lydia serves up breakfast to the tribe, the members of which actually thank her, the way they should. All of their grannies are proud.
Danni says that, for her part, while she was trying to act relaxed, she couldn't help thinking about the fact that her Kansas Jayhawk basketball team has been to the Final Four twice in the last four years without winning, so she feels a lot of pressure to produce a victory. She should try being from Durham in about 1990. Kansas, Schmansas. (I think, by the way, that Kansas would be the most charming town in the state of Schmansas.) Rafe wishes the final four "happy breakfast." They all drink a toast, and Rafe interviews that he's "proud of every decision [he's] made in the game so far." Blah blah blah, integrity, liking other people, lots of things that only matter to hippies and nuns.
Lydia goes to collect the treemail for the morning, and as soon as she reads it, she says to herself, "Oh, this is a good one!" She bounds up toward camp, singing, dancing, and carrying on, to the point where the others can hear her Tasmanian Devil routine and assume that she must be bringing back a giant load of food or something. They all run down to meet her. "This better be good, Lydia," Steph says, probably having been burned before, and Lydia insists that it is. She reads it to the group, and basically, it's the customary cultural-awareness clue that says, "We are going to get serious about pretending we care about the ancient ruins. The End." But because it has all this stuff about how they should "appreciate" being part of history, Lydia has concluded that perhaps some kind of a celebration is going to follow. In other words, Lydia has picked up "the class will be going to the library for a filmstrip" and she has said to herself, "Yay! Chuck E. Cheese!" "We're going to celebrate!" she says to the tribe. And then there's this...silence. And Rafe leans over and says, "Wait, but does it say 'celebrate' anywhere?" It's really one of those things much funnier than anything you could write, because the rest of the tribe isn't being snotty toward her, they're just annoyed, because this is how Lydia is, and they all know it, not that they're not irritated by it. She does tend to get all wound up and excited about things that...aren't. The rest of them all bust out laughing as Lydia sputters to explain how this must be some sort of big deal that they're getting. They all double over as she goes on, like, "You guys don't understand my language!" I think they probably don't, because it has a lot of mental umlauts. As goofy as the premise of it is, and as much as I don't like the slightly meta quality of the show admitting that the cultural-sensitivity clue is a big letdown, this whole exchange is really one of the few examples we've had in recent seasons of everyone liking each other, everyone having a sense of humor, and everyone having a good time. "Who decided to keep her around?" Steph asks about Lydia when she can stand up again. Lydia tells us that she was certain it would be a feast, but that she also thought maybe the Maya would come to camp for a ritual. What kind of a ritual? Well...I don't want to spoil the surprise, but let's just say "mesquite-grilled."
And come they do. As Steph explains, a family, made up of two women and three men, came to camp, and they brought baskets of things and incense. The Maya go over to the pyramid and start to build a fire with various items, topped off with a bunch of rosemary and a whole container of honey. Steph is like, "Uh, bless these ingredients. I mean, items." The ritual begins, and it includes chanting, as well as the eventual production of a live chicken. Steph's first thought, as she describes it, is, "Oh. Are we going to get to eat that chicken?" Rafe takes over the story at this point, saying that Steph was wondering if they were going to kill it, and says he told her he was fairly certain this was going to be a sacrifice. In other words, not a good day to be a chicken. We watch a little more of the ritual, and Rafe says the thing that happened was that the Maya revelers pulled off the chicken's head and threw it in the fire. At which point Steph asked Rafe whether they killed the chicken. He reports that he told her that, what with its head just having been tossed into the fire, the chicken probably was pretty much done for. As the chicken cooks on the fire, Rafe talks about how much he got out of the experience of observing the ritual. One of the guys comes around with a bowl for the group to sip from, and Lydia explains that because her heritage is Latin, she felt "kinship" with the visitors. And...really? Not with the chicken? Because I'm quite confident that, of the F4, Lydia is the one with the best chicken impression. Lydia adds that there was some food, in the form of tamales, for which Steph asks whether it's okay to say "gracias." Lydia says that it is.
And then Steph turns to her other interest besides talking, which is food. As the ritual progresses, Steph asks Lydia to ask the Maya whether they can eat the chicken, and Lydia does. There are places where animal sacrifices are cooked, so it's not as stupid an idea as it seems like it might be. (Again, the moral is: if you're going to be punished by the gods of any culture, try not to come back as a chicken.) The guy conducting the ritual says that no, they can't eat the chicken, because the chicken is an offering to the gods. Rafe explains how it was all about thanking the water and the sky and your ancestors and so forth. He says he's "been waiting to have a cultural experience." And he probably has been, knowing him, because every story is just another story he can tell the rest of the Birkenstock crowd when he gets back to the natural foods co-op, cornering people up against the organic peanut butter, like, "Have I ever told you about the time I saw a real animal sacrifice?" The Maya leave.
And now, the F4 challenge. We follow the F4 to the challenge location, and...wow. The frame for this challenge is an absolutely enormous maze, set inside the outline of a bird that Jeff says is a figure from Maya culture. That maze is just about the most spectacular-looking thing the challenge producers have ever...you know, produced, and I give them mighty props for it. I think that thing could replace the corridors of junior high school as the official center of anxiety dreams internationally. Jeff, after taking the immunity necklace back from Steph, says that this challenge is fairly straightforward: you each have a color, and you run through the maze collecting puzzle pieces, bringing them back to a central platform to drop them off. When they're all collected, you assemble a puzzle, and the first to finish will win. The setup involves floating pontoons, ladders, a rope bridge, a sort of pyramid...it's quite something to look at.
This is one of those challenges where I try to avoid spending eight paragraphs writing "[Name] [verb]s [adverb]." ("Steph runs quickly," "Rafe climbs carefully," "Danni totters bonily.") What you should know about this challenge: it's surprisingly close. Everyone remains in it and puts out a good effort. Steph and Rafe are the frontrunners most of the way through. There aren't really any complete buffoons. Jeff makes a crack about Lydia's "short little legs." Ultimately, the first two to collect all their puzzle pieces are indeed Rafe and Steph, who find themselves in a puzzle-solving challenge, followed a while later by Danni. Rafe's puzzle sort of abruptly seems to come together, and Rafe wins immunity yet again, guaranteeing himself a spot in the F3 challenge. Tonight, as Jeff reminds them, either Steph, Lydia, or Danni will go home.
Later, at camp, they all lounge around and talk about how "serious" the challenge was. Steph congratulates Rafe on how well he did, and Rafe tells us that, at this point, he feels like he actually has a chance at winning. He and Steph have a chat in which she tells him, "I really want to go to the final two with you." He agrees. You might think they're just being warm in that I-never-want-to-leave-summer-camp way, but Steph actually explains in an interview that she and Rafe have screwed exactly the same people in exactly the same way. So her reasoning is that he's the only one she has a chance of beating, so her plan is to go to F2 with Rafe. She also notes that, if they were to keep Lydia and boot Danni, they could almost guarantee they'd be F2. After all, Lydia isn't going to win the F3 endurance challenge, so if Rafe and Steph know they'd take each other, then that would pretty much be that. Steph is entirely right, of course, but Rafe tells us that when Steph told him this, there was a problem, which was that he had promised Danni he would take her as far as F3. Rafe and Danni talk, and Danni says she doesn't expect him to take her to F2 with her, because that wasn't their deal -- only F3. Danni tells us in an interview that in spite of what Rafe and she had agreed, she still feels very uncertain because of...you know, how the game is played and the obvious reasons to vote her off instead of Lydia and so forth. Rafe gives Danni a little speech about how much he likes her and stuff. Rafe is very affirming, provided you don't make him feel disappointed in you.
And then talk turns to food. They don't have any more corn, it sounds like. It happens to be Rafe who first says, in this context, "Is that...chicken carcass still over there, probably?" Steph's eyebrows, which have waited a lifetime for a moment like this, leap as she's like, "Want to check it out?" Rafe chuckles uncomfortably, despite the fact that he, you know, brought it up. Danni immediately says she'd try it. Rafe says that he could tell Steph really wanted to eat the chicken. Which...I would point out again, you brought it up, dude, so let's not get too morally outraged or cluck your tongue too loudly. ["Hee hee, 'cluck.'" -- Wing Chun] Steph and Lydia take a stroll over to the site where the sacrifice happened, and when they cut open the blackened chicken, it turns out to contain meat that, while it may not be cooked perfectly, is certainly better than another night of whatever corn concoction strikes Lydia's rapidly deteriorating mind. As Steph and Lydia huddle over what was once the ceremonial fire, Lydia quietly asks Steph whether she and Rafe might keep her around through tribal council. Steph says she's already brought this up to Rafe, and that Rafe hasn't answered yet. One of the things I like about this exchange is that it's very honest -- Lydia and Steph both acknowledge that Lydia is highly unlikely to win the F3 challenge. That's Lydia's argument for why she should be kept, and it's Steph's explanation of why she's taken this proposal to Rafe. Lydia interviews that she thinks Steph's inclination is to keep her because she isn't a threat.
Later, tribal council. The final four file in, and then the jury enters, concluding with the lovely and recently booted Cindy. Jeff asks about the sort of day they had, starting with the ritual. Rafe describes the ritual they went through, and he says that it definitely made him feel more connected to the land. Jeff then asks Lydia about the storm, and after she tells about it, she smiles sheepishly and says that they might have...um. Everyone starts to look at the ground and laugh. Danni giggles that Lydia should explain it. Lydia starts her explanation to Jeff with the fact that they've only had corn, and Steph chuckles guiltily. Lydia goes on: "Well...you know that chicken that they gave to the temple gods? Well..." "You ate the chicken," says Jeff with comically disappointed disbelief. They fess up, and Probst is thinking that's pretty hardcore, you can tell, eating a burnt chicken out of a fire pit after it's been sent to meet and be eaten by its maker. Lydia says that they made the gods mad, and that's why there was the storm. Jeff goes back to Rafe in his customary accusatory style: "So then, Rafe, you really don't respect the ceremony." Rafe points out, as is his right, that he actually didn't eat the chicken, but Jeff confirms that everybody else did. Jeff does this, of course, while insisting that he's not judging. As if Jeff ever doesn't judge. Come on, people. If Jeff didn't judge, you could use a See-N-Say to do his job. Steph defends the decision to eat the chicken, but admits that "the storm was weird."
Jeff asks Lydia if she'd be surprised if she were voted off tonight, and she points out again that she poses no physical threat to anyone. Except chickens, I guess. She says it's pretty clear that the others have a better path to a later stage of the game if they keep her now, which is pretty hard to argue with. Asked for her position, Danni says that, while Lydia may be right, it's also true that Lydia would make a bad F2 partner, because everyone likes her. Asked for her rationale for the voting tonight, Steph says that Lydia is "a huge, huge mental threat, and she's very well-liked." On the other hand, she says, you could say something similar about Danni, because Danni's a challenge threat and super-well-liked. Thus, Steph finds the decision difficult. Not sure I'm buying Lydia as a "huge, huge mental threat," but it's not like Steph can just admit that what she's about to do is totally stupid.
Okay. Rafe is keeping his immunity, you will be surprised to hear. And now, it's time for the very limited voting. Rafe votes. Danni votes. Lydia votes. Steph votes. We see no one's vote for anyone. Jeff takes the votes to tally for the last time this season. When he returns, he reads the first vote for Danni. Then one for Lydia. Then another one for Lydia. And...last vote is for Lydia, so she's gone. She gives everyone very warm hugs on her way out. She does not wish for anyone to be eaten by crocodiles. Jeff congratulates the F3, and he sends them back to camp with the hope that they've been forgiven for eating the gods' chicken. That is certainly more uses of the word "chicken" than I would have thought a recap of this show would ever require. At least it is if you are talking about literal chickens with feathers and not, like, Osten.
In her exit interview, Lydia calls Survivor the hardest experience of her life, but she's not at all bitter. What kind of a jury attitude is that? Where would America be without people hating on others who succeed more than they do? Poking along as a British colony, is where.
That night, at camp, Rafe, Steph, and Danni sleep under another chicken-induced rage of the gods, although not as serious as the one earlier. This one is, like, the one you get for eating a sacrificial guinea hen. In the morning, though, they note how wet everything is as well as how enormously loud Howlie is this morning. So maybe that's what the gods are doing to them today as punishment. Locusts, frogs, plague...monkeys are on that list, aren't they? The F3 have a hard time getting the fire going so that they can boil water, and they find that the corn is moldy and full of maggots. But it's still Day 38, so that much is good news. They go for treemail, and the message tells them to pay tribute, blah blah blah. Oh, goody. My least favorite part. ["As usual, I spent it going to the corner store for snacks." -- Wing Chun]
And now, The Walk Of Dead Survivors. In this version of the WODS, the dead survivors are represented by torches festooned with pencil sketches of themselves. And as you pass each person's torch, you remove the sketch and throw it on the fire. In other words, rather than just lamenting their passing, you lament their passing and then burn them in effigy. Nice!
Jim takes a moment to say how he always wanted to play the game, and Danni notes that they never would have made it through the jungle without his old, decrepit ass.
Morgan impresses me by saying that the game was harder than she expected, not physically, but socially, which is different from the "mentally" you'd normally hear there. Okay, it's not that impressive, but I don't actually have any magician's-assistant jokes, it turns out.
Brianna congratulates herself on surviving in the jungle instead of shopping. The feminist movement sends her flowers.
Brooke was impressed at how her body adapted. ["Who?" -- Wing Chun]
Blake congratulates himself for playing with integrity for five whole episodes. Oh, and the F3 sing his "Golden Boy" song, composed by Amy. Hee.
Margaret talks about how she learned that she's very nurturing. Not of Judd, though.
Brian is proud of the way he played, and he's very glad he didn't know he was going. He still prefers a good blindsiding. You're never going to get anywhere with that attitude, mister.
Amy is still happy with herself for surviving her bad ankle.
Farmer Beavis learned that traveling is easier than he thought.
Bobby Jon notes that he got his ass kicked by Mother Nature, which was humbling, as are most things that happen to Bobby Jon, I believe.
Jamie has decided to be more honest, because he really missed being around the trustworthy. I suspect the trustworthy did not miss Jamie.
After Danni and Steph talk about how Gary was a father figure for them, Gary says that he thinks competition is just like life -- part of a team, blah blah. The fact that you can't at all play this game as a team sport is kind of lost in the shuffle.
Judd says that Survivor was like "mental rehab." I don't want to butt in, but I'm not sure he was ready to be discharged, you know?
Cindy tells us that she has no regrets. "I can't think of anything I could possibly complain about other than not winning," she says giddily. Now that is a chick who knows how to look on the bright side.
Steph remarkably manages to rhyme "Lydia, oh Lydia" with "we didn't want to get rid-a-ya." Oy. Lydia tells us that she acted as a provider, but "more than that." Though she doesn't tell us what. She also says she's swearing off corn. And, I'm sure, religious chickens.
When we return from some more commercials -- because there haven't been enough yet -- we are at what is clearly the F3 challenge setup. Jeff takes the immunity necklace back from Rafe. In this challenge, you stand inside a wooden frame on a platform that swivels freely in all directions on a very small pivot point. For the first hour, you'll be able to hang on to two ropes that come down from the frame. This will give you time to get used to the feel of the platform. After an hour, you have to let go of one. And after another half-hour, you have to let go of the other one. Critically, you're out of the challenge only when your feet hit the platform that's substantially below your swiveling platform. In other words, the platform starts out probably a foot or two off the ground, so you've got some clearance. Did that explanation make sense? I always want to draw you a little picture, but if you've seen a game of Hangman, you're about halfway there.
Ready, and...go! They stand. They stare. It always seems like there should be pistols or fireworks or a floor show to mark the beginning of one of these challenges. And then there are some fades to mark the passing of time, and Jeff says, "Twenty minutes." "Left?" Steph asks. "In," Jeff responds. "You've only been up there twenty minutes." Steph does not look happy. At one point, Rafe manages to sneak a hand up to fling his glasses off, which is pretty impressive, but fails to make the "S" appear on his chest as he apparently planned. Jeff announces the passing of the forty-minute mark, and Howlie agrees. Jeff asks everyone how often they've had immunity. Steph and Danni once; Rafe four times.
We approach the one-hour mark, and Jeff warns them that it's about time to release one rope. He counts down from five, and then they all have to let go of one rope or the other. Basically, as soon as they release ropes, they all are screwed on the balancing part. Steph is the first in trouble, then Danni, then Rafe. But the interesting thing is that they all swing from the one rope they have left, and as long as they hang on the rope and don't let their feet touch, they aren't out. So they scrabble around, all three of them, but there's absolutely no way to get back up onto the platform once you fall off. One at a time, however, they get their feet back to the platform and lean their bodies against the side of the frame. So now they're sitting at an angle, with their backs against the frames and their feet propped up on those swiveling platforms, which they can move over to meet where their feet are. I'm not sure if this was envisioned at all, but it was very interesting how this challenge started out one way and then went another way. So now, they're sitting against the frames, and Jeff says it's going to be about "how long can you stay in this position." At an hour and a half, Jeff reminds them that they're about to have to let go with both hands. This means a couple of things. Most obviously, it means that they can't pull on the rope to shift their weight around anymore. But it also means that they can no longer touch the frames they're leaning against with their hands, because their hands are off-limits.
So there is another countdown, and there is another releasing of hands. And they all settle in. And then, as Rafe settles, he reaches back absently and pushes himself up on the post with his hands. Jeff immediately calls the foul, and Rafe is out. Rafe sits down, unable to believe it. Pure loss of concentration. If he's looking for someone to blame later, he might start there. Just saying. Steph and Danni sit against their posts. It appears that Danni's taller body gives her an advantage here, because she is farther up on the pole and isn't bent as sharply as Steph, who slowly starts to sink down the pole she's on. I think the problem is that when Steph's back starts to scream and she has to change position, she can't scoot up without her hands, so she has to scoot down, and that's making her sink and sink and sink. At two hours and five minutes, Jeff notes how Steph is sinking down the pole. I'm sure she appreciates that. At two hours and thirty-eight minutes, Jeff asks Danni how she is, and she says she's the same. When he asks Steph how she is, she says, "I can't move." It's like Steph needs a tranquilizer dart, and Danni needs the most recent issue of Teen People -- you know, if you have it. Steph starts to cry, realizing that the clock is ticking on her ability to stay in this challenge. She's in a very uncomfortable position now, absolutely no support for her weight except wedging her upper back against the post, and she's almost on the ground anyway. She writhes in pain, she tries to readjust, she tries to maneuver, and she ultimately drops to the ground with a thud. "I can't move," she says miserably. So Steph is out, and Danni is the big winner on the way to F2 with whomever she wants.
Steph bursts into tears of exhaustion and frustration, and both Danni and Rafe come right over to her. The first thing Rafe says to Danni is that he wants to release her from the promise she made to take him to F2: "Take whoever you want tonight. I'm really serious about that, and I really mean it." Just remember that. You'll want it for later. Steph cries over her defeat, and Rafe and Danni comfort her, and then Steph takes a moment to pull her buff away from her body and flash herself by staring down at her boobs. I have a feeling she's looking at something like whether there are big welts on her chest like it feels like there are, but it honestly looks like she's just looking to make sure her breasts didn't fall off during the challenge. Jeff actually has to interrupt this little tableau of Steph being soothed by Rafe and Danni in order to award Danni the immunity necklace. He reminds her that she will have to go to tribal council and make the decision about whom to bring with her to F2. If she was smart enough to figure out that Gary came from the NFL, I think she's smart enough to remember how F3 works.
Later, the F3 return to camp as Steph tells Danni that she "did so good" in the challenge. It's nice that Steph does seem to have a habit of congratulating challenge winners. She hasn't always been the most gracious Survivor ever, so it's a welcome change. Danni tells us that being in F2 is not what she expected to see happen. Rafe again assures Danni that she shouldn't do anything based on the promise she made to Rafe: "You should make your decision tonight based on...whatever you make your decision on." And then he sends magic brain waves that tell her that she should pick him. Danni then interviews that she does not look forward to the experience of voting off either Steph or Rafe, both of whom have been "loyal to [her]." She says that she originally intended to take Rafe based on the agreement they had, but then he let her out of it, so now she's not sure what to do.
As Steph takes a walk, Danni and Rafe chat, and Danni says she hates the position she's in after Steph "fought so hard today." "She did," Rafe agrees. "And that's why I feel like it should...you know..." He doesn't finish. Danni comments admiringly on how Steph's legs were trembling late in the challenge. "I just didn't feel right going into tribal council tonight and it being a done deal just because you promised me something," Rafe says, going for integrity points because he thinks he can pick a few up for free. He chuckles that of course, he'd still like Danni to take him. And then Rafe, in an interview, says, "Danni wouldn't be here if it weren't for me," conveniently forgetting that he also might not be here if not for Danni, because had she gone along with Cindy's plan last week to boot him, Lydia might have also, figuring that made her odds in the endgame better. Rafe speaks to us some more: "I feel good about letting Danni out of her promise, because to me, tonight, I want Steph and I to still be fighting together. We've been fighting together since day one. I feel like Steph deserves a chance." Not to actually be chosen, apparently, but to...be in the room when he is chosen, or something. For a wilderness guide, Rafe certainly does have the capacity to disappear into his own ponderousness and not know how to get out.
Later, Danni and Steph talk about how much they owe to each other and so forth, and Steph basically tells Danni not to feel sorry for her, because she and Rafe were idiots for not taking Lydia in the first place. I think that if you read between the lines, she's really saying that Rafe is an idiot for screwing up the planned Rafe/Steph F2 by being unwilling to boot Danni instead of Lydia. Danni coyly argues that she doesn't probably have a chance to win against either of them. I think that has to be somewhat phony, because she has to know how pissed off Judd and Jamie were, at the very least. But Danni insists that Rafe is liked by everyone, and that Steph is tight with her alliance. Steph interviews that she sees her odds as 50/50, and says that, if she loses, she loses, but she thinks she played as well as she possibly could have, which I think is...largely true. Back around the fire, Steph tells Danni in what I sure hope is an impressive bout of reverse psychology to "go with [her] heart." Danni, you can tell, is wishing for a better answer. In an interview, she says she's conflicted, because for someone who's "here to win," it's hard to know what to do. She claims she won't know what she's doing until she gets there.
Night. The moon. Maya gods, all angry and chickenless. Jeff "Pretty Fly For An REI Guy" Probst. The most interesting thing about the bringing in of the jury is the huge smile that Lydia exchanges with the rest of the group. There is clearly enormous affection for her, and she doesn't look the slightest bit bitter. In fact, Danni looks at her a little mischievously, like the two of them are about to get caught talking in math class. Unacceptable! There can be no levity! Jeff welcomes the final three, and then, as he enjoys doing, he berates them for voting out Lydia -- "the weakest." It's nice how Jeff just steps right up and lectures about the complete lack of merit to Lydia's being. Stumpy legs, weakest player...he could save a lot of time if he just spit on her directly. Jeff asks the F3 whether they have any regrets "looking at Lydia over there." In other words, "LOOK AT HER! SHE'S USELESS!" Lydia puts up her hands in mock helplessness. Steph goes the diplomatic route (though not so much toward Danni) by saying that it could have been a mental challenge, after all. It's a nice effort, even if completely unbelievable. Jeff calls her out for it, saying that "in 95% of the challenges," Lydia would never be in it. Ptooey! Steph explains that all she could have done by voting against Danni was a tie, since Rafe wouldn't vote for Danni. In response to the way Jeff asked the question, I think, Steph goes on to say that it's good to compete against the best, and then if they beat you, you lose fair and square. I'm not sure I really believe that Steph would find it unsatisfying to beat Lydia out of a million bucks, but Jeff is being so stupid that lying to him doesn't especially bother me.
Asked for her opinion, Danni expresses unending shock, calling her situation a "fluke miracle." I'm not sure miracles can be flukes, there, Danni. I think actual miracles are worked rather intentionally, and your deity of choice, however It may feel about sharing food, probably wouldn't appreciate having Its work passed off as randomness. Jeff asks Steph about her emotional display at the challenge, and Steph says that she worked her hardest and still felt like she'd failed. Now, Jeff explores with Rafe what it was he said to Danni right after the challenge was over. Rafe repeats that Danni had promised him F2, but says that he released her from that obligation. Over on the jury, Judd scowls with disgust. Jeff asks Rafe why he would do such a thing. Rafe doesn't give the true answer, which is, "I assume she will take me anyway, and this way, I get to congratulate myself on being a bigger martyr than everyone else and feel incredibly superior." Instead, he says that he just wanted Danni to decide who she thought was "worthy." Jeff asks Danni about the decision she's facing. "Pick the right person, you're a millionaire. Pick the wrong person, you're $900,000 not as rich," he says, both lying and mangling the language at he same time. He should run for president. Danni says that, with this decision, you can come up with arguments on both sides all day. Which, with Steph and Rafe, is mostly true. I would want to vote against Steph for being snotty and against Rafe for being insufferable, so I'm not sure how I'd resolve that, either as a voter or as Danni. I suspect that Steph is the better choice. She's a more controversial personality, and there are a few guys on that jury I'd bet would rather die than see a woman they perceive as having bested them walk away with a million dollars.
Jeff asks for "one reason" picking Rafe would be the right thing to do. Danni says that, post-merge, Rafe has been "an awesome friend," and that he's helped her in the game. Asked why Steph might be a good choice, Danni points out that Steph might be a good F2 partner, because a lot of the people on the jury are mad at her. At this, Bobby Jon reaches his hand over his shoulder to tickle the hand of Jamie, sitting behind him. That was really, really weird. And then they do some sort of twee secret handshake, like they're Ross and Brad Pitt in the I Hate Rachel Club. Jeff asks Stephenie what she thinks of all this. Steph says that if Danni goes with her heart, she'll pick Rafe, but that if she wants the best shot at winning, she'll go with Steph. "So she's got a pretty tough decision to make," Steph says. Jeff then asks Rafe for his thoughts, and Rafe says it's good to hear Danni say that if she goes with her heart, she'll choose Rafe, because Danni has played with her heart all along up until now. Which isn't true, of course, or she wouldn't be here. You don't get to F3 by voting with your heart. Furthermore, Danni didn't say that, at least that we know of. Steph said it. Danni was merely asked for some of the reasons behind the possible options, not all of the reasons. Danni has never said on-camera that Rafe is more deserving while Steph is strategically better. Not that this seems to upset Rafe.
Jeff explains that the only person who will be voting is Danni, because Rafe and Steph will cancel each other out. Danni gets up to go and vote. Danni lifts the pen. Dramatic! Jeff says he'll "go get the vote." None of this tallying! Jeff returns and unfolds the single vote in his hands. And it's for...Rafe. Rafe hugs Danni and Steph and goes to get his torch snuffed. He wishes Steph and Danni good luck and walks off on his own. So...Steph and Danni. "Well, Danni," Jeff says, "you clearly made your decision. You kept the person you think you have the best chance of winning against. The only thing left to do is see if you are right." I love how Jeff can take perfectly normal game play and make it sound like something you're supposed to be embarrassed about, like, "Danni, clearly, you have chosen to try to win. I hope you can live with yourself."
In his exit interview, Rafe uses the words "proud of myself" (not surprising), and as you might expect, he basically says that he was very, very awesome. "I stayed true to my moral compass," he self-congratulates. "I betrayed people when I thought I should." Ha ha ha! That's awesome: "I am very moral, because I only betrayed people when it was necessary." He goes on with this: "Danni, I understand the decision you made. I thought you were the one person who would take me to the final two and you didn't, so Stephenie, I'm absolutely rooting for you, I think you played a great game, and I'll be voting for you tomorrow night." In other words, when he told Danni to do what she thought was best, and when he talked about how Steph should get a shot based on her awesome showing at the final challenge, he didn't mean to imply that he wouldn't punish Danni by voting against her if she dared to actually put into practice what he was suggesting and not take him to F2. He certainly did turn into a sanctimonious disappointment in the last two episodes. That really depresses me.
The following day, Steph and Danni are the only ones left, except for Howlie, who is still being very, very noisy. Steph points out the not-so-meaningful fact that she and Danni the final two, and on the tribe flag, both of their names are...in yellow. Not sure what that's supposed to mean, but then, if you're superstitious enough to think rain comes from what you eat, anything is possible. Steph and Danni grin at each other. Steph interviews that they woke up on their last day with big smiles, because it was their last night sleeping out here in the jungle. She talks about how big a target she had on her coming into the game, and she, too, is proud of herself for how she's done. Danni and Steph walk out to the pool, and Danni interviews that she and Steph are really very much alike, and it's funny that the two jock girls ended up as the final two over all the boys. Fortunately, this is interrupted before it turns into a "smart women are adorable" thing. For her part, Steph says that much of the game is "mind over matter," and that "if you're not strong-minded, you'll just collapse." And this time, she really means it when she says that now, nothing will stand in her way. Now, she can do anything. Really! She's not a big old loser anymore. Her life is redeemed! Yay!
Steph and Danni take a dunk in the pool and wash their clothes, and Danni tells us that Steph is "the toughest competitor" in the game, and that she likes the idea of going up against the toughest. So much for Rafe's theory that only he was viewed as deserving. They sit in the chairs on the deck of the pool, and Steph tells Danni that the game is unpredictable and that "everything happens for a reason." Except for The Amazing Race Family Edition, which happened for no reason. Danni says she'll miss the jungle, which is "awesome."
Back at camp, the final two spontaneously decide, as people spontaneously decide every season, to burn their camp, "sacrificing everything to the Mayan gods," as Steph puts it. ("Those are palm fronds. Where the hell is my chicken?") As the fire burns, Steph and Danni talk about how proud they are to be there, and then Danni literally says that she's learned that it's possible to be down but not out. And if all she's learned is that you can be down but not out, I fear she has not taken as much from her experience in the game as one might have hoped, because that could have come from a fortune cookie. Danni says that, with the jury, she plans to just be herself, the "All-American girl door," and that she'll just have to see what they ask. For her part, Steph says that she did everything she could to get as far as possible, and that she feels like she has a good reason for every move she made, and "outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted every one of them." They should understand that, right? Juries always vote without regard for their own egos, after all. Steph and Danni gather their things and head off for the final tribal council.
Later, we swoop back to the tribal council staging area, and when Steph and Danni are seated, Jeff brings in the entire jury, ending with a newly clean-shaven Rafe. Jeff has Danni take off the immunity necklace. He congratulates them on making it to F2, and reminds them that the jury they voted out is now passing judgment on who should win. Who will get the big toy check? Anyway, they will make opening statements, then there will be questions, then closing comments and voting. Jeff starts with Danni's opening statement. She says she's honored to be here because, making the merge, she didn't see any "chance in heck" that she would be here. Not enough people say "heck" anymore, I find. Heck! (See?) Weirdly, Danni basically starts telling the jury how dumb they were not to recognize that she was a threat. She says that she's a pretty good athlete, and that she's mentally strong enough that she knew she could take an endurance challenge. It's not that I don't recognize that she's right that it was surprising that she wasn't seen as a threat and targeted earlier, but this is a really weird jury tactic. She says she played as well as she could, and that, whatever happens, she hopes they'll all come and have barbecue. Gary smiles at her. He wants to offer her some free landscaping services, you can tell.
In Steph's opening statement, she thanks the jury for the experience she had, and says she really didn't think she'd get past the first tribal council. She says that there are people she knows are upset with her, and that she hopes to make them feel better. "I will be as honest as I have ever been," she says, not saying quite as much as she thinks, what with using herself as her own barometer. Jeff says that the jury will now have a moment to consider what they'd like to say.
When we return, it is time for the jury to ask questions. Bobby Jon, in a most un-Bobby Jon-like orange button-down shirt, starts by telling Steph and Danni that nobody can take anything away from their accomplishment in getting to F2. He also thanks Steph for his spot on the jury, which he knows she had a lot to do with. He opens the actual questioning by asking Steph whether she's proud of the way she played the game. She says that she came into the game with a target on her back ("just like you did," she wisely adds), and while she knows that she made a couple of people angry with the way she got them out, she has no regrets, wouldn't change anything, and is proud of her game. Bobby Jon seems politely satisfied. He then asks Danni whether she's proud of the way she played. She hesitates a little bit, but she says that she, too, is proud. She says she's surprised at her good showing, and still just grateful to be here. She reminds Bobby Jon of their past together by saying that her only regret is that their tribe didn't win more immunity challenges so that, at the merge, they would have had the advantage. That's all Bobby Jon has. Hey, where's the bile? It's like he doesn't mind losing. The hell?
Gary announces first off that he thinks the game will come down to who gives the most honest answers. At least, that's how he'll be casting his vote -- "Straight up, no garbage." He starts with Steph, asking her why he shouldn't vote for her. Steph thinks for a minute, and then says that she did, after all, make an alliance with him on the first day, and she ultimately had to make a new alliance when the tribes switched and voted Gary off after the merge, so that might be a reason. Gary directs the same question to Danni. She admits that she, too, had an alliance with Gary, but was also putting together an alliance with Rafe the entire time. She says that this might have been "wrong" of her. She says she "made a selfish move at that point." She goes on to say that, in her normal life, she's never selfish, but "in this game, you have to be, at times." Danni is definitely better at acting like she's sorry for playing hard than Stephenie is. I'm never sure how I feel about that, because it's so circular: if you know you have to make apologies you shouldn't have to make in order to please the jury, then making them is good play, and failing to make them is bad play that goes back to justifying the fact that you don't win, you know? Anyway, Gary sits down, and I guess his lack of bile is to be expected.
Jamie starts with Danni, asking her, if she had the numbers advantage and the chance to pick who she wanted in the top five, who she would pick. Danni hedges by only picking four -- she likes the group she had with Bobby Jon, Gary, and Brandon, of course. Jamie doesn't make her select someone from among the rest, which would have accomplished what he meant to accomplish by forcing her to admit that she wouldn't choose him. That was a real missed opportunity, awkwardness-wise. He then moves along to Steph, saying that her question will be harder: he always favored telling people if they were going to be voted out. Steph, on the other hand, tended to be friendly and nice to people all the way up through the part where she voted them off. He wonders how she thinks the jury feels about that particular issue. Steph is sure that they're not very happy about it. Heh. She starts with him, reminding him that it was a group decision to get rid of him, and that it wasn't just her. She also says she finds it very difficult to have conversations with people about voting them off. She recalls Jamie's own statement that being blindsided is the way to go, and says that she thinks so, too. Especially when she's the one doing the blindsiding. It's a pretty deft answer to a hard question, not that it's going to do her any good.
Lydia starts with Steph, saying that she was loyal to Steph since Day 6, and she got voted out anyway, so why should she vote for Steph? Steph thanks her for being so loyal, but she gives her worst answer of the evening by saying that while she would have had a better chance of beating Lydia than Danni, that wouldn't be satisfying, because she's so competitive and athletic that it wouldn't be good to beat such a weakling. It's really...she answered so many questions so well, but that was a huge disaster. What she should have said was that she didn't want to vote out Lydia, but that Rafe wouldn't vote out Danni, so Steph's only alternative was a tie. That is both less damaging and the truth, so I have no idea why she didn't go with that. Lydia asks Danni why she should vote for Danni after Lydia was told to trust her and then voted off. You know, there comes a point where whining about being voted off at F4 by people who had been allied with you is a little...unrealistic, you know? By F4, you're pretty much on your own to take care of your own business. Danni says very little in response to this question other than that "it's a game." Also a bad answer.
And now, Judd. Oh, Judd. Judd starts by asking Danni whether she's ever been ice skating or rollerblading, and for a minute, I think this is just a free question before he lights into Steph. I think Danni thinks so, too, and she says that she has in fact done both, though not well. Judd says that he thinks she just skated by the whole game. Get it? Get it? Do you? Oh, Judd, you wit. ["The saddest thing is that he's been working on that bon mot for days and couldn't wait to bust it out. Hey, Judd, do you like sex? Do you like travel? Fuck off." -- Wing Chun] Judd then asks if Danni was deceitful. Danni says the times she can think of that she was are that she lied to Jamie once and Brian once about whom she was going to vote for. Judd says, arrogantly and haughtily, that this sounds like a lot of lying, so she'd better go home and go to confession. Danni bristles at this, telling him that he should know she asks for forgiveness every day, for things a lot more significant than fucking Survivor strategy. Good for her. That was Danni's best jury moment, to me. Judd's being a total dick at that moment, bringing up shit he has no business bringing up, and good for her for putting him right in his place, shaming him politely, not that he'll get it.
Judd moves on to Stephenie, asking her whether she's still starving. She says she is, but she knows where this is going. Judd berates her for being hungry when she ate so much, and I have no idea what that has to do with anything except that he thinks it's embarrassing for women to be insulted for how much they eat. Steph freely admits that she likes to eat. Judd then starts to hassle her about her strategy, and all the backstabbing, and as you know he must, Judd escalates this into a morality play by saying that Steph "crossed a line" by lying to his wife and telling her that she was allied with Judd. Steph explains -- truthfully, as far as we know -- that she wasn't lying, because she didn't know at the time that she was going to wind up voting off Judd. Of course, Judd acts like this makes no sense, even though it makes perfect sense. So he starts waving his arms all over the place, because that's what guys like Judd do when they don't know what to say. Steph reminds him that he was caught plotting with Lydia, which he denies, claiming falsely that all he did was say he knew who the strong players were. He doesn't apparently remember telling Lydia that he had "no problem" with going after Steph and Rafe. He's not even worth worrying over further, quite honestly. He's the kind of guy who will always sit down thinking he proved he was right, no matter what happens, so arguing with him is sort of stupid. My favorite part of Judd's appearance is that he has totally missed the memo that the rest of the group has gotten over its bitterness for the most part, so this is making him look like an enormous tool and a sore loser. It's one thing when everyone is equally bad, but this is really making Judd stand out. You don't want your figurative headstone to read, "Less Sensible Than Jamie."
Jeff tells Steph and Danni that he doesn't think they could have asked for more from the jury. In other words, "Nobody said 'My question is I WANT AN APOLOGY' or 'My question is YOU SUCK.'" Jeff tells Steph and Danni that they have a couple of minutes to think about what they're going to say.
And then we are back, and Jeff is telling them to go with their closings. Steph goes first, thanking the jury first and then moving into her argument. She talks about how hard the game is, and how it brings out people's worst qualities. She apologizes (boo!) for hurting people, and then she says that she came in with a plan to align herself with great people and be calm and composed and on the right side of the numbers game. She also hints fairly strongly that they need to keep in mind that she may have looked like the leader, but that others were equally to blame. For her part, Danni says that she went into the merge with no reason to believe that she had any hope, so she claims to have sat back and noted that Steph and Rafe were the ones in charge, and, she claims, are the reason all the jurors are on the jury. Of course, Steph isn't the reason Rafe is on the jury, and Steph isn't the reason Lydia is on the jury, and Steph isn't really the reason Judd is on the jury, or the reason Cindy is on the jury, or the reason Jamie is on the jury. It's a better argument as to Rafe than as to Steph, who didn't actually do as much steering as it seemed like she was doing. Danni says that she bonded with Rafe and Steph, and that's basically how she saved herself. She asks for votes.
Tonight, you vote for the person you want to win. Bobby Jon votes. Gary votes. Judd votes, ruining his menacing whisper by spelling Danni's name "Dani." Tool. Cindy votes. Lydia votes. Rafe votes. "This game is about who you are," he says. "Your character is your strategy." He votes for Steph, and WHAT BULLSHIT. Why can't he make a single move that isn't about proving that other people's character is inferior to his own? He can go away anytime. Jamie votes.
Of course, when Jeff gets the votes, this is the part where he has to explain that they won't be opened until we're back in the United States and so forth. And then Jeff goes off in a helicopter, as he is wont to do in this cheesy ritual we have now come to expect. The helicopter flies, and then...we are at the historic ruins of CBS Television City in Hollywood, where a large crowd has gathered for the finale. Jeff takes forever to make his way to his perch, to the point where I am seriously dying of boredom, here. Steph and Danni patiently wait on stage, both wearing too much makeup, and with the big hair and everything. Jeff finally starts talking, reminding them that if they should win, they will get not only a million dollars, but also one of the Pontiac Torrents Cindy didn't give away.
And now, votes. First vote is for Danni. (Well, "Dani.") Second vote is for Steph. (Well, "Steph!") And then Danni. And Danni. And Danni. So Danni is the winner. Steph and Danni hug, and the yellow caption tells us that Danni's last name is "Boatwright." She heads out into the audience to hug her family. I think there are some hangers-on, there, if you ask me. Nobody has that many relatives who are all the same guy.
Will Judd still be mad? Will Danni's lips explode from being so ginormous? For the answers to these and other questions, tune in to the reunion show.