Thunder Storms And Sacrifice

Previously: the season. First there, were Yaxha and Nakum, and there were Stephenie and Bobby Jon, and there was much head-scratching and debate regarding the integrity of Survivor and other nullities. Then there was the mighty Nakum and the sad Yaxha, and then stuff got all mixed up. Sad things happened, like when Amy left, and awesome things happened, like when Blake left. By the time the merge happened, Stephenie was riding high atop an alliance including herself, Judd, Jamie, Lydia, Cindy, and Rafe, and poor Farmer Beavis was the first to go. Then Gary "Sonic" Hogeboom found himself an immunity idol, which bounced Bobby Jon before his time. Jamie was charged and convicted of first-degree twitchiness, and was sent home before he could do any more damage. Gary then ran out of miracles, and Judd ran out of languages in which he knew how to say "man," and Cindy underestimated how much gay Mormons dig cool cars, leaving the final four to be Steph, Rafe, Lydia, and Danni.

We find ourselves on Day 37 in Guatemala, where the water is placid, the birds are singing, and Lydia is smiling and working as usual, like the nose-to-the-grindstone Disney character she apparently is. If I ever need a gown to go to a ball, dance with a prince, and lose my shoe, I'm totally calling her, because she may not be brilliant, but I'm thinking she's better than mice. Lydia tells us in an interview that she was very happy about waking up and finding herself in the final four. She always "felt like the odd man out." She goes on: "Why am I here? Is it my destiny?" I'm with her on the part about wondering why she's here, certainly. She concludes that someone must be "watching over" her. I hope that's true, because if He's busy over here, maybe He won't look out for the Weavers. Lydia serves up breakfast to the tribe, the members of which actually thank her, the way they should. All of their grannies are proud.

Danni says that, for her part, while she was trying to act relaxed, she couldn't help thinking about the fact that her Kansas Jayhawk basketball team has been to the Final Four twice in the last four years without winning, so she feels a lot of pressure to produce a victory. She should try being from Durham in about 1990. Kansas, Schmansas. (I think, by the way, that Kansas would be the most charming town in the state of Schmansas.) Rafe wishes the final four "happy breakfast." They all drink a toast, and Rafe interviews that he's "proud of every decision [he's] made in the game so far." Blah blah blah, integrity, liking other people, lots of things that only matter to hippies and nuns.

And then Steph turns to her other interest besides talking, which is food. As the ritual progresses, Steph asks Lydia to ask the Maya whether they can eat the chicken, and Lydia does. There are places where animal sacrifices are cooked, so it's not as stupid an idea as it seems like it might be. (Again, the moral is: if you're going to be punished by the gods of any culture, try not to come back as a chicken.) The guy conducting the ritual says that no, they can't eat the chicken, because the chicken is an offering to the gods. Rafe explains how it was all about thanking the water and the sky and your ancestors and so forth. He says he's "been waiting to have a cultural experience." And he probably has been, knowing him, because every story is just another story he can tell the rest of the Birkenstock crowd when he gets back to the natural foods co-op, cornering people up against the organic peanut butter, like, "Have I ever told you about the time I saw a real animal sacrifice?" The Maya leave.

And now, the F4 challenge. We follow the F4 to the challenge location, and...wow. The frame for this challenge is an absolutely enormous maze, set inside the outline of a bird that Jeff says is a figure from Maya culture. That maze is just about the most spectacular-looking thing the challenge producers have ever...you know, produced, and I give them mighty props for it. I think that thing could replace the corridors of junior high school as the official center of anxiety dreams internationally. Jeff, after taking the immunity necklace back from Steph, says that this challenge is fairly straightforward: you each have a color, and you run through the maze collecting puzzle pieces, bringing them back to a central platform to drop them off. When they're all collected, you assemble a puzzle, and the first to finish will win. The setup involves floating pontoons, ladders, a rope bridge, a sort of pyramid...it's quite something to look at.

This is one of those challenges where I try to avoid spending eight paragraphs writing "[Name] [verb]s [adverb]." ("Steph runs quickly," "Rafe climbs carefully," "Danni totters bonily.") What you should know about this challenge: it's surprisingly close. Everyone remains in it and puts out a good effort. Steph and Rafe are the frontrunners most of the way through. There aren't really any complete buffoons. Jeff makes a crack about Lydia's "short little legs." Ultimately, the first two to collect all their puzzle pieces are indeed Rafe and Steph, who find themselves in a puzzle-solving challenge, followed a while later by Danni. Rafe's puzzle sort of abruptly seems to come together, and Rafe wins immunity yet again, guaranteeing himself a spot in the F3 challenge. Tonight, as Jeff reminds them, either Steph, Lydia, or Danni will go home.

Later, at camp, they all lounge around and talk about how "serious" the challenge was. Steph congratulates Rafe on how well he did, and Rafe tells us that, at this point, he feels like he actually has a chance at winning. He and Steph have a chat in which she tells him, "I really want to go to the final two with you." He agrees. You might think they're just being warm in that I-never-want-to-leave-summer-camp way, but Steph actually explains in an interview that she and Rafe have screwed exactly the same people in exactly the same way. So her reasoning is that he's the only one she has a chance of beating, so her plan is to go to F2 with Rafe. She also notes that, if they were to keep Lydia and boot Danni, they could almost guarantee they'd be F2. After all, Lydia isn't going to win the F3 endurance challenge, so if Rafe and Steph know they'd take each other, then that would pretty much be that. Steph is entirely right, of course, but Rafe tells us that when Steph told him this, there was a problem, which was that he had promised Danni he would take her as far as F3. Rafe and Danni talk, and Danni says she doesn't expect him to take her to F2 with her, because that wasn't their deal -- only F3. Danni tells us in an interview that in spite of what Rafe and she had agreed, she still feels very uncertain because of...you know, how the game is played and the obvious reasons to vote her off instead of Lydia and so forth. Rafe gives Danni a little speech about how much he likes her and stuff. Rafe is very affirming, provided you don't make him feel disappointed in you.

And then talk turns to food. They don't have any more corn, it sounds like. It happens to be Rafe who first says, in this context, "Is that...chicken carcass still over there, probably?" Steph's eyebrows, which have waited a lifetime for a moment like this, leap as she's like, "Want to check it out?" Rafe chuckles uncomfortably, despite the fact that he, you know, brought it up. Danni immediately says she'd try it. Rafe says that he could tell Steph really wanted to eat the chicken. Which...I would point out again, you brought it up, dude, so let's not get too morally outraged or cluck your tongue too loudly. ["Hee hee, 'cluck.'" -- Wing Chun] Steph and Lydia take a stroll over to the site where the sacrifice happened, and when they cut open the blackened chicken, it turns out to contain meat that, while it may not be cooked perfectly, is certainly better than another night of whatever corn concoction strikes Lydia's rapidly deteriorating mind. As Steph and Lydia huddle over what was once the ceremonial fire, Lydia quietly asks Steph whether she and Rafe might keep her around through tribal council. Steph says she's already brought this up to Rafe, and that Rafe hasn't answered yet. One of the things I like about this exchange is that it's very honest -- Lydia and Steph both acknowledge that Lydia is highly unlikely to win the F3 challenge. That's Lydia's argument for why she should be kept, and it's Steph's explanation of why she's taken this proposal to Rafe. Lydia interviews that she thinks Steph's inclination is to keep her because she isn't a threat.

Steph and Lydia bring the chicken back to the group, and Steph offers to "say a little prayer or something, if you want." I enjoy the fact that, in arguing for the eating of the ritual chicken, Steph mentions that it's "cooked to perfection with honey." Hee. That's the way they prepare sacrifices at Ruby Tuesday, also, I believe. Rafe is the only one looking uncomfortable with the idea of enjoying the chicken. There's also a great throwaway line from Danni, who sort of disbelievingly says to Rafe, on the topic of his ambivalence, "You ate lizards the other day." Why did we miss that? And were they holy lizards? Rafe interviews that he found the ritual very powerful, and that he thought that eating the chicken would sort of spoil the sacrifice. This is one I totally see from both sides. I completely understand Rafe's squeamishness, and he's probably more officially in the right here than the rest of them. But...on the other hand, it's not like you're doing it in front of the Maya. Furthermore, as Steph points out in an interview, if you don't eat the chicken, the bugs eat the chicken. The chicken's body is going to be eaten by some predator, or decomposed, or something. The Maya haven't apparently placed high importance on what happens to the carcass, because if they did, they'd bury it, or they'd burn it to ashes, or something. You could argue that the question Lydia asked was more whether you eat the chicken as part of the sacrifice than whether they cared if you ate it later. I tend to believe in the sort of deity that would forgive you for eating Its chicken, though, and not all people do. It's an interesting dilemma. I'm not sure what I'd do with that one.

We cut directly to a madly driving storm that moves into camp. As the F4 huddle under the shelter, Steph wonders whether maybe they should "say a prayer of forgiveness or something." Clearly, the opinion has emerged that the storm results from...well, you know. "The Mayan gods are mad at us 'cause we ate that sacrificial chicken," Lydia offers. I have to say...I felt kind of evil, but that really made me laugh. Something about the phrase "sacrificial chicken" is inherently funny to me. It also kind of makes me want some chicken. Danni says that the post-chicken storm was in fact their worst one yet. Rafe contributes that he thinks the thunder god was invoked at some point during the ritual. This is where you can tell that thirty-nine days of isolation takes a toll on people. Maybe the Maya gods are actually mad at Rafe for being such a judgmental dink about not getting his car from Cindy.

Later, tribal council. The final four file in, and then the jury enters, concluding with the lovely and recently booted Cindy. Jeff asks about the sort of day they had, starting with the ritual. Rafe describes the ritual they went through, and he says that it definitely made him feel more connected to the land. Jeff then asks Lydia about the storm, and after she tells about it, she smiles sheepishly and says that they might have...um. Everyone starts to look at the ground and laugh. Danni giggles that Lydia should explain it. Lydia starts her explanation to Jeff with the fact that they've only had corn, and Steph chuckles guiltily. Lydia goes on: "Well...you know that chicken that they gave to the temple gods? Well..." "You ate the chicken," says Jeff with comically disappointed disbelief. They fess up, and Probst is thinking that's pretty hardcore, you can tell, eating a burnt chicken out of a fire pit after it's been sent to meet and be eaten by its maker. Lydia says that they made the gods mad, and that's why there was the storm. Jeff goes back to Rafe in his customary accusatory style: "So then, Rafe, you really don't respect the ceremony." Rafe points out, as is his right, that he actually didn't eat the chicken, but Jeff confirms that everybody else did. Jeff does this, of course, while insisting that he's not judging. As if Jeff ever doesn't judge. Come on, people. If Jeff didn't judge, you could use a See-N-Say to do his job. Steph defends the decision to eat the chicken, but admits that "the storm was weird."

And now, The Walk Of Dead Survivors. In this version of the WODS, the dead survivors are represented by torches festooned with pencil sketches of themselves. And as you pass each person's torch, you remove the sketch and throw it on the fire. In other words, rather than just lamenting their passing, you lament their passing and then burn them in effigy. Nice!

Jim takes a moment to say how he always wanted to play the game, and Danni notes that they never would have made it through the jungle without his old, decrepit ass.

Morgan impresses me by saying that the game was harder than she expected, not physically, but socially, which is different from the "mentally" you'd normally hear there. Okay, it's not that impressive, but I don't actually have any magician's-assistant jokes, it turns out.

Brianna congratulates herself on surviving in the jungle instead of shopping. The feminist movement sends her flowers.

Brooke was impressed at how her body adapted. ["Who?" -- Wing Chun]

Blake congratulates himself for playing with integrity for five whole episodes. Oh, and the F3 sing his "Golden Boy" song, composed by Amy. Hee.

Margaret talks about how she learned that she's very nurturing. Not of Judd, though.

Brian is proud of the way he played, and he's very glad he didn't know he was going. He still prefers a good blindsiding. You're never going to get anywhere with that attitude, mister.

Amy is still happy with herself for surviving her bad ankle.

Farmer Beavis learned that traveling is easier than he thought.

Bobby Jon notes that he got his ass kicked by Mother Nature, which was humbling, as are most things that happen to Bobby Jon, I believe.

Jamie has decided to be more honest, because he really missed being around the trustworthy. I suspect the trustworthy did not miss Jamie.

After Danni and Steph talk about how Gary was a father figure for them, Gary says that he thinks competition is just like life -- part of a team, blah blah. The fact that you can't at all play this game as a team sport is kind of lost in the shuffle.

Judd says that Survivor was like "mental rehab." I don't want to butt in, but I'm not sure he was ready to be discharged, you know?

Cindy tells us that she has no regrets. "I can't think of anything I could possibly complain about other than not winning," she says giddily. Now that is a chick who knows how to look on the bright side.

Steph remarkably manages to rhyme "Lydia, oh Lydia" with "we didn't want to get rid-a-ya." Oy. Lydia tells us that she acted as a provider, but "more than that." Though she doesn't tell us what. She also says she's swearing off corn. And, I'm sure, religious chickens.

When we return from some more commercials -- because there haven't been enough yet -- we are at what is clearly the F3 challenge setup. Jeff takes the immunity necklace back from Rafe. In this challenge, you stand inside a wooden frame on a platform that swivels freely in all directions on a very small pivot point. For the first hour, you'll be able to hang on to two ropes that come down from the frame. This will give you time to get used to the feel of the platform. After an hour, you have to let go of one. And after another half-hour, you have to let go of the other one. Critically, you're out of the challenge only when your feet hit the platform that's substantially below your swiveling platform. In other words, the platform starts out probably a foot or two off the ground, so you've got some clearance. Did that explanation make sense? I always want to draw you a little picture, but if you've seen a game of Hangman, you're about halfway there.

Ready, and...go! They stand. They stare. It always seems like there should be pistols or fireworks or a floor show to mark the beginning of one of these challenges. And then there are some fades to mark the passing of time, and Jeff says, "Twenty minutes." "Left?" Steph asks. "In," Jeff responds. "You've only been up there twenty minutes." Steph does not look happy. At one point, Rafe manages to sneak a hand up to fling his glasses off, which is pretty impressive, but fails to make the "S" appear on his chest as he apparently planned. Jeff announces the passing of the forty-minute mark, and Howlie agrees. Jeff asks everyone how often they've had immunity. Steph and Danni once; Rafe four times.

We approach the one-hour mark, and Jeff warns them that it's about time to release one rope. He counts down from five, and then they all have to let go of one rope or the other. Basically, as soon as they release ropes, they all are screwed on the balancing part. Steph is the first in trouble, then Danni, then Rafe. But the interesting thing is that they all swing from the one rope they have left, and as long as they hang on the rope and don't let their feet touch, they aren't out. So they scrabble around, all three of them, but there's absolutely no way to get back up onto the platform once you fall off. One at a time, however, they get their feet back to the platform and lean their bodies against the side of the frame. So now they're sitting at an angle, with their backs against the frames and their feet propped up on those swiveling platforms, which they can move over to meet where their feet are. I'm not sure if this was envisioned at all, but it was very interesting how this challenge started out one way and then went another way. So now, they're sitting against the frames, and Jeff says it's going to be about "how long can you stay in this position." At an hour and a half, Jeff reminds them that they're about to have to let go with both hands. This means a couple of things. Most obviously, it means that they can't pull on the rope to shift their weight around anymore. But it also means that they can no longer touch the frames they're leaning against with their hands, because their hands are off-limits.

So there is another countdown, and there is another releasing of hands. And they all settle in. And then, as Rafe settles, he reaches back absently and pushes himself up on the post with his hands. Jeff immediately calls the foul, and Rafe is out. Rafe sits down, unable to believe it. Pure loss of concentration. If he's looking for someone to blame later, he might start there. Just saying. Steph and Danni sit against their posts. It appears that Danni's taller body gives her an advantage here, because she is farther up on the pole and isn't bent as sharply as Steph, who slowly starts to sink down the pole she's on. I think the problem is that when Steph's back starts to scream and she has to change position, she can't scoot up without her hands, so she has to scoot down, and that's making her sink and sink and sink. At two hours and five minutes, Jeff notes how Steph is sinking down the pole. I'm sure she appreciates that. At two hours and thirty-eight minutes, Jeff asks Danni how she is, and she says she's the same. When he asks Steph how she is, she says, "I can't move." It's like Steph needs a tranquilizer dart, and Danni needs the most recent issue of Teen People -- you know, if you have it. Steph starts to cry, realizing that the clock is ticking on her ability to stay in this challenge. She's in a very uncomfortable position now, absolutely no support for her weight except wedging her upper back against the post, and she's almost on the ground anyway. She writhes in pain, she tries to readjust, she tries to maneuver, and she ultimately drops to the ground with a thud. "I can't move," she says miserably. So Steph is out, and Danni is the big winner on the way to F2 with whomever she wants.

Steph bursts into tears of exhaustion and frustration, and both Danni and Rafe come right over to her. The first thing Rafe says to Danni is that he wants to release her from the promise she made to take him to F2: "Take whoever you want tonight. I'm really serious about that, and I really mean it." Just remember that. You'll want it for later. Steph cries over her defeat, and Rafe and Danni comfort her, and then Steph takes a moment to pull her buff away from her body and flash herself by staring down at her boobs. I have a feeling she's looking at something like whether there are big welts on her chest like it feels like there are, but it honestly looks like she's just looking to make sure her breasts didn't fall off during the challenge. Jeff actually has to interrupt this little tableau of Steph being soothed by Rafe and Danni in order to award Danni the immunity necklace. He reminds her that she will have to go to tribal council and make the decision about whom to bring with her to F2. If she was smart enough to figure out that Gary came from the NFL, I think she's smart enough to remember how F3 works.

Later, the F3 return to camp as Steph tells Danni that she "did so good" in the challenge. It's nice that Steph does seem to have a habit of congratulating challenge winners. She hasn't always been the most gracious Survivor ever, so it's a welcome change. Danni tells us that being in F2 is not what she expected to see happen. Rafe again assures Danni that she shouldn't do anything based on the promise she made to Rafe: "You should make your decision tonight based on...whatever you make your decision on." And then he sends magic brain waves that tell her that she should pick him. Danni then interviews that she does not look forward to the experience of voting off either Steph or Rafe, both of whom have been "loyal to [her]." She says that she originally intended to take Rafe based on the agreement they had, but then he let her out of it, so now she's not sure what to do.

As Steph takes a walk, Danni and Rafe chat, and Danni says she hates the position she's in after Steph "fought so hard today." "She did," Rafe agrees. "And that's why I feel like it should...you know..." He doesn't finish. Danni comments admiringly on how Steph's legs were trembling late in the challenge. "I just didn't feel right going into tribal council tonight and it being a done deal just because you promised me something," Rafe says, going for integrity points because he thinks he can pick a few up for free. He chuckles that of course, he'd still like Danni to take him. And then Rafe, in an interview, says, "Danni wouldn't be here if it weren't for me," conveniently forgetting that he also might not be here if not for Danni, because had she gone along with Cindy's plan last week to boot him, Lydia might have also, figuring that made her odds in the endgame better. Rafe speaks to us some more: "I feel good about letting Danni out of her promise, because to me, tonight, I want Steph and I to still be fighting together. We've been fighting together since day one. I feel like Steph deserves a chance." Not to actually be chosen, apparently, but to...be in the room when he is chosen, or something. For a wilderness guide, Rafe certainly does have the capacity to disappear into his own ponderousness and not know how to get out.

Later, Danni and Steph talk about how much they owe to each other and so forth, and Steph basically tells Danni not to feel sorry for her, because she and Rafe were idiots for not taking Lydia in the first place. I think that if you read between the lines, she's really saying that Rafe is an idiot for screwing up the planned Rafe/Steph F2 by being unwilling to boot Danni instead of Lydia. Danni coyly argues that she doesn't probably have a chance to win against either of them. I think that has to be somewhat phony, because she has to know how pissed off Judd and Jamie were, at the very least. But Danni insists that Rafe is liked by everyone, and that Steph is tight with her alliance. Steph interviews that she sees her odds as 50/50, and says that, if she loses, she loses, but she thinks she played as well as she possibly could have, which I think is...largely true. Back around the fire, Steph tells Danni in what I sure hope is an impressive bout of reverse psychology to "go with [her] heart." Danni, you can tell, is wishing for a better answer. In an interview, she says she's conflicted, because for someone who's "here to win," it's hard to know what to do. She claims she won't know what she's doing until she gets there.

Night. The moon. Maya gods, all angry and chickenless. Jeff "Pretty Fly For An REI Guy" Probst. The most interesting thing about the bringing in of the jury is the huge smile that Lydia exchanges with the rest of the group. There is clearly enormous affection for her, and she doesn't look the slightest bit bitter. In fact, Danni looks at her a little mischievously, like the two of them are about to get caught talking in math class. Unacceptable! There can be no levity! Jeff welcomes the final three, and then, as he enjoys doing, he berates them for voting out Lydia -- "the weakest." It's nice how Jeff just steps right up and lectures about the complete lack of merit to Lydia's being. Stumpy legs, weakest player...he could save a lot of time if he just spit on her directly. Jeff asks the F3 whether they have any regrets "looking at Lydia over there." In other words, "LOOK AT HER! SHE'S USELESS!" Lydia puts up her hands in mock helplessness. Steph goes the diplomatic route (though not so much toward Danni) by saying that it could have been a mental challenge, after all. It's a nice effort, even if completely unbelievable. Jeff calls her out for it, saying that "in 95% of the challenges," Lydia would never be in it. Ptooey! Steph explains that all she could have done by voting against Danni was a tie, since Rafe wouldn't vote for Danni. In response to the way Jeff asked the question, I think, Steph goes on to say that it's good to compete against the best, and then if they beat you, you lose fair and square. I'm not sure I really believe that Steph would find it unsatisfying to beat Lydia out of a million bucks, but Jeff is being so stupid that lying to him doesn't especially bother me.

Jamie starts with Danni, asking her, if she had the numbers advantage and the chance to pick who she wanted in the top five, who she would pick. Danni hedges by only picking four -- she likes the group she had with Bobby Jon, Gary, and Brandon, of course. Jamie doesn't make her select someone from among the rest, which would have accomplished what he meant to accomplish by forcing her to admit that she wouldn't choose him. That was a real missed opportunity, awkwardness-wise. He then moves along to Steph, saying that her question will be harder: he always favored telling people if they were going to be voted out. Steph, on the other hand, tended to be friendly and nice to people all the way up through the part where she voted them off. He wonders how she thinks the jury feels about that particular issue. Steph is sure that they're not very happy about it. Heh. She starts with him, reminding him that it was a group decision to get rid of him, and that it wasn't just her. She also says she finds it very difficult to have conversations with people about voting them off. She recalls Jamie's own statement that being blindsided is the way to go, and says that she thinks so, too. Especially when she's the one doing the blindsiding. It's a pretty deft answer to a hard question, not that it's going to do her any good.

Lydia starts with Steph, saying that she was loyal to Steph since Day 6, and she got voted out anyway, so why should she vote for Steph? Steph thanks her for being so loyal, but she gives her worst answer of the evening by saying that while she would have had a better chance of beating Lydia than Danni, that wouldn't be satisfying, because she's so competitive and athletic that it wouldn't be good to beat such a weakling. It's really...she answered so many questions so well, but that was a huge disaster. What she should have said was that she didn't want to vote out Lydia, but that Rafe wouldn't vote out Danni, so Steph's only alternative was a tie. That is both less damaging and the truth, so I have no idea why she didn't go with that. Lydia asks Danni why she should vote for Danni after Lydia was told to trust her and then voted off. You know, there comes a point where whining about being voted off at F4 by people who had been allied with you is a little...unrealistic, you know? By F4, you're pretty much on your own to take care of your own business. Danni says very little in response to this question other than that "it's a game." Also a bad answer.

Cindy starts with Danni, asking which jury member she would remove if she had the option. Eh? Danni says that she would remove Rafe, because she knows he's voting for Steph. I hate this question, because it's not interesting. Are they just supposed to pick someone they think won't vote for them, or someone they think shouldn't be on the jury, or what? It's a really lame question, and I don't like Cindy's raspberry camisole, either, while we're talking about things I object to. Cindy poses the same question to Steph, who also hates it, and who tries to go with a sort of non-answer answer by saying she'd just take Bobby Jon off, because he's the farthest down the line and was first on the jury. It's a sensible answer if you hate the question, but it doesn't give Cindy what she's looking for, whatever that is. I have no idea what Cindy thought this question was going to get at, but I'm fairly sure she didn't learn much. Cindy sits down. It's a good thing she has a car, because I'm not sure she didn't max out her potential at the zoo.

Rafe begins by saying that Steph and Danni are like his sisters. He then asks Danni why she told him that she would take the most deserving person to F2, as opposed to the person she would beat, and then she didn't. In other words, Rafe considers it a foregone conclusion that he is more deserving than Steph, his supposed ally. It's really kind of amazing, considering that Rafe himself admitted that Steph's tenacity in the final challenge made her deserving of a shot at F2. He just assumes that, of course, everyone knows he's more deserving, so the choice of Steph is pure strategy. And furthermore, if he's thinking of the same conversation I'm thinking of, that's not what Danni said anyway. What she said, as part of the promise from which he explicitly released her, was that if it were a choice between Rafe and someone she thought she could beat, she would choose Rafe. In other words, she said that as part of promising to take him, not as a general philosophical statement about how the game should be played. Danni basically explains, as gently as she can, that she did think Steph was deserving, based on the performance Steph put on at the final immunity challenge and how bad Steph's odds were coming in. Danni kindly doesn't mention the part where Rafe specifically told her to do whatever she thought was right, which she certainly could have. She also doesn't mention the part where Rafe put his hands on the pole, which tends to support the idea that perhaps Rafe isn't as "deserving" as he thinks. Rafe then turns his attention to Steph, talking about their close alliance and asking whether there are any moves she made that she didn't tell him about. Softball! Steph thinks for a minute and then says that she can't think of anything, because Rafe's probably the only person she told the truth to the entire time. What I think is so doofy is that, as he's sitting down, Rafe gives Steph advice by telling her that when she makes her closing statement, she should make sure she explains why she should win. He needs to shut up.

And now, Judd. Oh, Judd. Judd starts by asking Danni whether she's ever been ice skating or rollerblading, and for a minute, I think this is just a free question before he lights into Steph. I think Danni thinks so, too, and she says that she has in fact done both, though not well. Judd says that he thinks she just skated by the whole game. Get it? Get it? Do you? Oh, Judd, you wit. ["The saddest thing is that he's been working on that bon mot for days and couldn't wait to bust it out. Hey, Judd, do you like sex? Do you like travel? Fuck off." -- Wing Chun] Judd then asks if Danni was deceitful. Danni says the times she can think of that she was are that she lied to Jamie once and Brian once about whom she was going to vote for. Judd says, arrogantly and haughtily, that this sounds like a lot of lying, so she'd better go home and go to confession. Danni bristles at this, telling him that he should know she asks for forgiveness every day, for things a lot more significant than fucking Survivor strategy. Good for her. That was Danni's best jury moment, to me. Judd's being a total dick at that moment, bringing up shit he has no business bringing up, and good for her for putting him right in his place, shaming him politely, not that he'll get it.

Judd moves on to Stephenie, asking her whether she's still starving. She says she is, but she knows where this is going. Judd berates her for being hungry when she ate so much, and I have no idea what that has to do with anything except that he thinks it's embarrassing for women to be insulted for how much they eat. Steph freely admits that she likes to eat. Judd then starts to hassle her about her strategy, and all the backstabbing, and as you know he must, Judd escalates this into a morality play by saying that Steph "crossed a line" by lying to his wife and telling her that she was allied with Judd. Steph explains -- truthfully, as far as we know -- that she wasn't lying, because she didn't know at the time that she was going to wind up voting off Judd. Of course, Judd acts like this makes no sense, even though it makes perfect sense. So he starts waving his arms all over the place, because that's what guys like Judd do when they don't know what to say. Steph reminds him that he was caught plotting with Lydia, which he denies, claiming falsely that all he did was say he knew who the strong players were. He doesn't apparently remember telling Lydia that he had "no problem" with going after Steph and Rafe. He's not even worth worrying over further, quite honestly. He's the kind of guy who will always sit down thinking he proved he was right, no matter what happens, so arguing with him is sort of stupid. My favorite part of Judd's appearance is that he has totally missed the memo that the rest of the group has gotten over its bitterness for the most part, so this is making him look like an enormous tool and a sore loser. It's one thing when everyone is equally bad, but this is really making Judd stand out. You don't want your figurative headstone to read, "Less Sensible Than Jamie."

Jeff tells Steph and Danni that he doesn't think they could have asked for more from the jury. In other words, "Nobody said 'My question is I WANT AN APOLOGY' or 'My question is YOU SUCK.'" Jeff tells Steph and Danni that they have a couple of minutes to think about what they're going to say.

And then we are back, and Jeff is telling them to go with their closings. Steph goes first, thanking the jury first and then moving into her argument. She talks about how hard the game is, and how it brings out people's worst qualities. She apologizes (boo!) for hurting people, and then she says that she came in with a plan to align herself with great people and be calm and composed and on the right side of the numbers game. She also hints fairly strongly that they need to keep in mind that she may have looked like the leader, but that others were equally to blame. For her part, Danni says that she went into the merge with no reason to believe that she had any hope, so she claims to have sat back and noted that Steph and Rafe were the ones in charge, and, she claims, are the reason all the jurors are on the jury. Of course, Steph isn't the reason Rafe is on the jury, and Steph isn't the reason Lydia is on the jury, and Steph isn't really the reason Judd is on the jury, or the reason Cindy is on the jury, or the reason Jamie is on the jury. It's a better argument as to Rafe than as to Steph, who didn't actually do as much steering as it seemed like she was doing. Danni says that she bonded with Rafe and Steph, and that's basically how she saved herself. She asks for votes.

Tonight, you vote for the person you want to win. Bobby Jon votes. Gary votes. Judd votes, ruining his menacing whisper by spelling Danni's name "Dani." Tool. Cindy votes. Lydia votes. Rafe votes. "This game is about who you are," he says. "Your character is your strategy." He votes for Steph, and WHAT BULLSHIT. Why can't he make a single move that isn't about proving that other people's character is inferior to his own? He can go away anytime. Jamie votes.

Of course, when Jeff gets the votes, this is the part where he has to explain that they won't be opened until we're back in the United States and so forth. And then Jeff goes off in a helicopter, as he is wont to do in this cheesy ritual we have now come to expect. The helicopter flies, and then...we are at the historic ruins of CBS Television City in Hollywood, where a large crowd has gathered for the finale. Jeff takes forever to make his way to his perch, to the point where I am seriously dying of boredom, here. Steph and Danni patiently wait on stage, both wearing too much makeup, and with the big hair and everything. Jeff finally starts talking, reminding them that if they should win, they will get not only a million dollars, but also one of the Pontiac Torrents Cindy didn't give away.

And now, votes. First vote is for Danni. (Well, "Dani.") Second vote is for Steph. (Well, "Steph!") And then Danni. And Danni. And Danni. So Danni is the winner. Steph and Danni hug, and the yellow caption tells us that Danni's last name is "Boatwright." She heads out into the audience to hug her family. I think there are some hangers-on, there, if you ask me. Nobody has that many relatives who are all the same guy.

Will Judd still be mad? Will Danni's lips explode from being so ginormous? For the answers to these and other questions, tune in to the reunion show.