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Previously on Ah Tell Yoo Whuht: James and Ibrehem threw down about who sucked harder. Toss-up! Steph took her team to a reward victory that earned them...okay, not a new shelter, but Pringles! And girly drinks! And jellyfish! Who didn't bite! At Koror, it was a dark and stormy night, and Janu was just settling down for a long pity party. Koror kicked Ulong's ass in another immunity challenge, to the surprise of no one, and the little team that couldn't was in the position of booting one of its four little soldiers. In a rare sign that the universe is not entirely hostile, the team delivered the boot to James. Can Ulong possibly lose any more challenges? Let's see!
We fade in on one of those shots up into very tall trees that makes me feel like my stomach is in my throat. It's never good when I have vertigo in the first ten seconds. We slide down to see that we are at Ulong on Day 16, and the remains of the tribe are huddled in what I suppose is their...cave? Anyway. The boys are still hot, especially Bobby Jon, and Steph is still awesome, but man, they are low on bodies. Steph comments to the boys on the 8-3 nature of things right about now. And then, hunting for something to say other than "this sucks" in one of the sixty languages in which she's learned to say it. She goes with "Sometimes, the best finish, you know, the people in last always turn around, like a second-half team almost?" She pauses and admits that the odds, of course, don't favor that happening. Heh. She interviews that three people is...a really small tribe. Hard to argue with that. "I'm really surprised," she says of her Team of Constant Shrinking. She says that she never anticipated that her tribe would lose every single challenge. Steph certainly does have a limitless capacity to be optimistic, given that she's newly surprised every week when the torture fails to end, apparently.
Ibrehem asks Steph if she's ever spent this much time around the same group of people, and she agrees that she hasn't. Ibrehem interviews that three people can only feel like "a group of friends, rather than a tribe." And he predicts that a tribal council at this point would be "very, very emotional." See, I think the people who are left on this team do like each other. It's sad, y'all. (Oh, shut up. I'm allowed to not have a soul made entirely of lemons.) Steph still wants a merge, and she's still thinking there's going to be one. Ibrehem says hopefully that maybe this all will in some way work out for the three of them. You know, like...like...well, he'll get back to you. They do all seem happy about having gotten rid of James, though. I don't think anybody's missing watching that skirt blow around. In strategic news, such as there can be strategic news in a tribe of three people, Steph reminds us that she and Bobby Jon formed an alliance yesterday. And she hasn't forgotten it, as we find out when she tells Bobby Jon that she thinks they'll "go far together." I don't think she should be looking for "go far" at this point. You wouldn't want to get greedy when you're just trying to come up with enough coconut to get you over to Camp Club Med, also known as...
“ Coby looks on, ready to mock Gregg and Ian for their inevitable failures. As he does, because sitting around in your undies making fun of people who are actually trying to stuff is the most fun you can have, pretty much. (I know it sounds like I'm criticizing him, but I actually agree with that.) ”
...Koror, Day 16. Tom is doing crunches on the beach. Because he is Tom, and he is awesome, and what if he got all weak-ass and girly while he was living off the land and doing daily challenges and beating fish to death with his bare hands? It would certainly occur to me to be all "Marry me, Tom," but he's really much too good for me. Out in the water, Ian emerges with a gigantic clam, saying, "We're having steak tonight, baby." The tribe is grateful as he clunks it down on the beach. Katie tells us it was a very, very big clam that Ian produced, and no, that is not a euphemism. The tribe pries the clam open. Ian is already half-laughing in an interview in which he says that he was pretty happy with himself for continuing at this point to be the "provider" for the team, so you can tell that's going to be short-lived. The team stands around eating pieces of clam, and it does appear that they're awfully glad to have Ian the Purveyor of Seafood on the squad. I suppose I would be, too, because there is only so much coconut a person can eat before she turns into a bottle of Coppertone suntan oil. Ian estimates that they probably had six or seven pounds of meat total, so everyone in the group was well-fed. He further exposits that they then put the shell out on the beach, and there was a bit of blood still oozing out of it, so they were all hanging around by their big table when they noticed...a shark. Because sharks love blood, as you may have heard if you read a lot of clichs. Indeed, again, this little shark has come right up to dance against the edge of the water, which I really did not know that sharks did. Ian and Gregg grab a couple of improvised spears that they have handy and head out to see what they can do. And Coby looks on, ready to mock them for their inevitable failures. As he does, because sitting around in your undies making fun of people who are actually trying to stuff is the most fun you can have, pretty much. (I know it sounds like I'm criticizing him, but I actually agree with that.)
Meanwhile, Tom picks up the machete. Ah, Tom. He walks down the beach a bit. We then see that Ian has cut his foot, so he's sitting down and examining the wound with Gregg's help, so they're somewhat out of commission for the moment. And Tom runs a bit down the beach, unfortunately getting away from his camera guys, I guess. Because we do not see it directly, but the news is that Tom is whooping and hollering, because...he caught them a shark. "How'd you get it?" Gregg asks in shock as he runs toward Tom. "I hit it with the machete and cut it in half," Tom says, chuckling and excited and hardly able to believe it himself. They admire the still-flopping but certainly hurting shark, which I hope they will put out of its misery fairly quickly. Right now, though, they're just so amused by what Tom has done that they can only high-five and be amazed. Gregg comments in an interview that prevailing in hand-to-hand combat with a shark -- even a small one -- was pretty remarkable, especially for "a city boy from New York." Well, no kidding. "He's a madman," Gregg says admiringly. I agree. And, hot. Have I mentioned I have no defense against that demographic?
“ Tom interviews with some regret that 'the cat's out of the bag' that he's a strong player. Yeah, good job keeping that to yourself. I guess he expected to hypnotize everyone with his gray hair, because truly, I do not understand how else he expected that tricky plan to fly. ”
Tom retells the story about the one that didn't get away as the team stands around in a circle, admiring the shark carcass. (Sharcass?) Ian says good-naturedly in an interview that hey, you try to bring in food, and what happens? Some crazypants firefighter upstages your ass. You can tell Ian loves the crazypants firefighter, as do we all. That's a very cute friendship. I'm not saying I'm going to pay money to watch them make out in the rain or anything, but they're still pretty cute. Ian tells us that now, in order to compete successfully with Tom, he will have to catch a humpback whale. Heh.
The moon hangs over Koror, and the team is still busy talking about Tom. And, more specifically, about his awesomeness. Tom interviews with some regret that "the cat's out of the bag" that he's a strong player. Yeah, good job keeping that to yourself. I guess he expected to hypnotize everyone with his gray hair, because truly, I do not understand how else he expected that tricky plan to fly. They are cooking the shark over the fire, rolled up with string. Those people do not screw around in making a nice life for themselves. Tom says something-something about not being able to pretend to be less than he really is, something-something, and I'm not paying attention, because Tom is awesome, and I don't know whom he thought he was fooling, ever, anyway. The team eats shark steak, and Coby bitches in an interview about how hard it will be for him and Gregg to vote out Tom now. Yeah, you're breakin' my heart, kid. Coby's kind of like a Greek chorus, if the chorus was made up of...well, "hairdressers" is about right.
Koror, Day 17. Gregg and Jen retrieve the treemail. It appears that this challenge requires them to build a distress signal visible from a plane.
Over at Ulong, they're reading it as well, and the welcome news that, of course, only three people from Koror can participate. Man, this season feels weird. Steph's first idea is to burn their old shelter. Girlfriend does not mess around, I am telling you. Bobby Jon adds that he can destroy the stupid bathroom they built, and they can burn the remains of that. And destroy it he does. Ibrehem explains the challenge again, for no particular reason, emphasizing that they really...need the victory. Yes, that's right. Now that they're down to three, it's time to put their plan into motion. This is where they make their big move! Their plan involves fire, unsurprisingly. They work on tearing down the shelter, as inspiring TV-movie music plays. It appears that the Ulong attitude is that they can't possibly be stuck at this camp for too long, so they might as well burn shit. Good plan! Bobby Jon notes that he suspects Koror is kicking ass at this challenge, as they've kicked ass at everything else. Heh. "We're going to see if work can overtake smartness right now," he says. Oh, man. That was so cute. And so sad.
“ Gregg, meanwhile, tells Caryn that he'll be lighting the fire before joining in what he refers to as 'the hoopla.' Gregg seems a little young to make casual use of the word 'hoopla,' I think. Maybe the only magazine they got with their bathroom was Reader's Digest. ”
Over at Koror, they're trying to figure out which three people should work on the task. They certainly have plenty, but they settle somehow on Gregg, Katie, and Caryn, which kind of makes sense if you have to rotate in challenges -- it's a strong person, a medium person, and a kind of useless person. Coby approves, in an interview, of the arrangement, because Katie is creative, Caryn works hard, and "Gregg's got the muscle." That's for sure. The three Koror participants start working. Gregg notes that they started by finding the right spot to build the signal, settling on somewhere down the beach a bit that they thought would be good and visible. He confirms that moving all their stuff was a lot of work, as you'd expect, and Caryn adds that it's very hot, so it's a hard time to stay hydrated and whatnot. They need Ivana! To keep the team hydrated! And here I thought that was bullshit. Tom interviews that it wasn't easy to watch all of this from the sidelines, because obviously, you want to be part of what's happening and so forth. Especially if you are Tom, and most of the rest of your team couldn't touch your level of awesome with a telescoping dustmop. Tom says that he's experiencing "a lot of apprehension," as I think we all would be if we had to entrust our fates, even in part, to Caryn. Gregg chops. Katie explains that they're using coconut and bamboo to write "GOT FOOD" in great big letters on the beach, and that they're making a couple of big fires. Among other things, they want to see if ropes soaked in kerosene will burn nicely, and Gregg finds that they will. Around camp, the other Koror-ians are worrying that the builders may wait too long to start the fires. Gregg, meanwhile, tells Caryn that he'll be lighting the fire before joining in what he refers to as "the hoopla." Gregg seems a little young to make casual use of the word "hoopla," I think. Maybe the only magazine they got with their bathroom was Reader's Digest.
Up in the patrol plane (or whatever), Jeff is with Bob, the judge, telling him that his job is to see which signal is more visible from the air. The plane first visits Ulong, where there are fires burning. The plane flies over, and the team leaps and jumps on the beach. Bobby Jon tears out into the water and flings himself about. He sort of looks like he's drowning in the bathtub. Judge Bob comments that although they do have "ULONG" spelled out on the beach in giant letters, it's kind of up close to the trees, so unless you're at the right angle, you don't see it. On the other hand, it's nice and big, so that's the good part. "It's not bad for three people," he comments. Bobby Jon performs additional random acts of flailosity. Flail, Bobby Jon, flail! ["The fruitless flailing about broke my heart, I have to say." -- Wing Chun]
The plane flies over to Koror. There, Gregg is lighting the fires. But it's really too late to light the fires now, because the plane is almost here. I'm not sure how they misjudged this, because it seems really obvious that you can't do it this way. Indeed, as the plane approaches, Gregg admits that the fire is out. The observers can tell that the fires aren't lit, so Coby grumps that he thinks the odds are bad, because it looks like the team didn't get the fires going. Up in the plane, Jeff asks for an assessment of Koror's performance. Bob says that Koror's work, like Ulong's, is big. In fact, it's bigger. And best of all, it's down from the trees on a better stretch of beach. Bob says that he has enough information for a decision. Oh, Lord.
“ What's left to give this tribe, tennis courts? A cabana boy? An open bar? An on-site masseuse? ”
Koror is waiting at its beach when, of course, the crate drops down to them. They celebrate and jump about in the water, making use of the excess energy they have as a result of the absurd pampering they've been receiving. Even Caryn is included in the socializing, so maybe she doesn't suck as hard as I'm thinking. Ian and Tom, unsurprisingly, work together in bringing back the crate, as Coby and Caryn congratulate the team on this triumph of "brains over brawn." They crack open the crate and are happy to find sweet, inhibition-lifting, highlight-reel-enhancing red wine. And also in the package are a bunch of military MREs, so they've actually got some stable food with a little variety. As if that weren't enough, they get a bunch of new fishing stuff, and Gregg tells us that this will take camp life to the "level." What the hell is the level after where they are? The bungalows at a Vermont ski resort? They already have a giant, indestructible, waterproof shelter they didn't have to build, boxes of food, a picnic table, an apparently unending supply of ginormous and rather defenseless clams who can't do much except squirt to defend themselves, and a well-built bathroom with shower. What's left to give this tribe, tennis courts? A cabana boy? An open bar? An on-site masseuse? This already isn't Survivor so much as it is Vacationer for this team, and their embarrassment of riches is undoubtedly one of the reasons they keep winning. What more is there to give at this point? They toast themselves with wine out of little coconuts, just as you might on Island Night on the Pacific Princess, and Caryn interviews that they are "a well-oiled machine." Gregg also spares a sympathetic word for Ulong, down to three people and trying to keep up a camp and compete in challenges, all without the free house or anything like that. "They must just be absolutely beat up over this," he says.
The unkindest cut of all jolts us over to Ulong, where the three members are all sitting on the beach with their heads hanging down. As they sit there, a plane approaches. They stand up to look, and call out to it to come over to them. It doesn't. "Oh, my God, no," Stephenie calls out. Bobby Jon interviews that they lost, despite working hard. "I guess they worked harder," he says, and then pauses. "Well, I'm sure they worked smarter, knowin' them." ["Awwwwwww!" -- Wing Chun] Steph tells us that they thought they'd win this one for sure. It could totally happen! Actually, if there's anything Ulong should be good at, it would be demonstrations of utter despair and desperate need, so I'm actually kind of surprised they didn't win.
Koror, Day 17. Everyone sits around bored, because there's nothing left to do. In the absence of activities, they predictably fall back on bitching about each other, like it's a rainy day at summer camp. As donky-donk music plays, Coby says that Gregg and Anonymous Jen sometimes talk about how Gregg is the "makeout bandit" (smooth!), and how they trade little smooches -- one of which the camera manages to catch -- so, as he says, "I guess they think they're dating." And then he adds, "I don't really care," despite the fact that he totally does, because he wouldn't be gossiping if he didn't. That's how you demonstrate "I don't care" -- by not caring. To illustrate this not-very-interesting-anyway set of quasi-romantic developments, we watch Gregg and Anonymous Jen prepare to go and fetch water together. "Should I put on my date clothes?" he asks, and she giggles that truly wretched giggle. Gregg tells us that the two of them have "a strong alliance," but he frets over how other people might interpret their conversations, as far as strategy and such. Kissing on this show is so not strategic.