Dangerous Creatures And Horrible Setbacks

Previously on Shouting "Fire" In A Crowded Combat Theater: Janu saw some rats, and she really hates rats. Koror in general wasn't too damn happy about having lost their flint in the water and being stuck on a new beach without any shelter to speak of and without the fire they should have. Caryn bitched that the new beach was the worst beach that ever beached itself, endearing herself to no one, including the Palau Chamber of Commerce. Over at Ulong, Angie felt edgy, but then she went berserk on the reward challenge and was rewarded herself with the big big love of all the giant pecs on her team. This made her purr like a kitty. Both teams got fire -- Ulong with the reward challenge victory, and Koror with an impressive display by its cool kids (who, for once, are the actual cool kids, which never happens, and what is up with that?). Ashlee insisted that four days wasn't long enough for her to get hungry, but Jeff and Kim were hungry in an entirely different way. (Chicka-wocka chicka-wocka.) Kim flaked on the immunity challenge entirely, leaving Koror -- by which I mean "Tom" -- to take the victory home. Steph wanted to get rid of Kim, but Jeff wanted to keep her around for, um, strategic reasons. That's it! Besides, he figured, Ashlee was dead weight, and less and less of it at that. In the end, everybody apparently decided it wasn't worth hassling with Jeff over the Kim situation, and they booted a seemingly resigned Ashlee in an anticlimax worthy of...well, any soccer game, ever. Four people are already gone. Oh, boy, whom can we get rid of now?

It is Night 6 at Ulong. A crab is present. Stephenie says to assembled night-vision reclining types that she thinks the tribe needs to stop losing challenges and people and not go to any more tribal councils. Good plan, I'd say, if a little...you know, simple. She also chitchats with Jeff about how Probst was a bit rough on them at tribal council. Steph says in an interview that she thinks the vote was very telling, because Jeff and Kim both got votes, and in fact, if everybody had stuck with their original votes, Ashlee would still be around and Kim would be gone. So...once more through the previouslys, then. Steph thinks Jeff and Kim are aware of their precarious position -- a suspicion apparently borne out when Kim pouts that she isn't even sure now whether she should go back and sleep with Jeff anymore, because people might think they like each other. Steph says, faux-sympathetically, that Probst called them out like they were a couple. Which they are so not! Kim says this "pisses her off." Jeff recalls in an interview how Probst put this issue to him, and how he went with his brilliant "It's for warmth" defense, which I'm sure was immediately believed by everyone whose turnip-truck stench is plenty fresh. Kim whines in the shelter that she "[doesn't] like questions like that." Because she likes privacy? Something like that? Because...come on. If you're going to sleep snuggled up to a guy with a camera in your face, you ought to understand that you might be asked whether it's a romance or not. Some people think it implies closeness. (I know!) Anyway, for whatever reason, Miss Kim doesn't like "questions like that." She interviews that she doesn't want people, as she pronounces it, "con-JUR-ing up this image up in their head that's not accurate." Oh, Kim: hitting new lows for pronunciation and credibility. She adds that she doesn't "want that image," and that, I do believe. Because it's deadly. Deadly!

James interviews that Jeff and Kim denied that anything was going on, but that nobody believed them. "Raaaht now, they're cuddlin'," he says. "week? They gon' be makin' out. You know, suckin' face and stuff. She's a woman, and all she has to her advantage? Is her sex-shee-ality." You know, I'm not entirely sure I believe his cornpone routine, but it's not like I'm not cheap enough for it to amuse me. It's like watching a Virginia ham play chess. And if he's still saying "sex-shee-ality," I have to say, I think he's not meeting the right women. "Kim's got to go," he says. And then something and something and it ends with "Ah got eeeears like a BAT!" Sometimes, the tapestry of humanity is so oddly knotted that I honestly need a nap.

It is Day 7 at Koror, and it's raining. A lot. Tom tries to look on the bright side that it's the shower they've been wanting, but he admits in an interview that their shelter is not the greatest, they're getting wet at night, and they need a better place to get out of the incessant rain. Coby, too, is working on the shelter and, in an interview in which he has a lot more beard than he does in real time -- meaning I think it must be from at least a while later -- he says that having the entire team still together has its ups and downs, because while they're all still there and have a full team, you can't get rid of the people who bug you. Speaking of which, this is where we learn that Caryn and Katie don't like each other. Caryn explains that Katie is something she describes as not "outspoken," but "tart." Huh. You know, one of my favorite southern men recently informed me, putting on his drawl to its most charming effect, "Now you're what we down here would call...an outspoken woman." I took it as a huge compliment. So I think Katie should be happy she's almost outspoken. But I don't know what "tart" really means. I mean, I know what "tart" means, but, like, not in this context, where you're not either being tasted or berated for wearing fishnets. ["I think Caryn probably meant 'pert.'" -- Wing Chun] At first, I wonder whether it means "curt," but apparently not, because Caryn goes on to say that Katie "has something to say all the time about everything." Ohhh. I know what word she's looking for. She's looking for "recapper."

Anyway, Caryn decides that she needs to "confront" Katie about this quality, because she lacks the patience and tolerance for other people's asinine behavior that is integral to winning this game. Caryn tells Katie about how Katie has too much to say or whatever, and complains that Katie has a remark every time anyone does anything. So...I think "overly critical" is what she thinks Katie actually is, maybe? "Don't tell me what to do anymore!" Caryn barks. "I'm done hearing it!" Katie -- not really on the We Are Feuding train -- interviews that it was all fairly baffling to her, since she was sitting by herself when Caryn came up and got into this "Do you have a problem with me?" business. As Katie explains, and as we see, Caryn did not hang around for Katie to respond, which is always a great indicator that you kind of know you're a little full of it. "She's crazy," Katie says. "She's completely lost it." And really, I'm not sure I'm loving Katie, but there have to have been better ways for Caryn to handle that particular situation. Which is basically what Katie later tells her -- that there was probably a better way for them to work it out. Caryn snots in an interview that "the repercussions of my confronting Katie will be that she will not talk to me, and that's just fine with me." She acknowledges that there might be other tension, because there's always a risk if you're "too confrontational." But apparently, she decided to disregard that risk in favor of letting her flag fly, or whatever. If she's decided not to suffer fools gladly even if it's the best game-related move, she's going to find herself on the wrong end of a righteous torch-snuffing before very long, I'll say that much.

And...challenge beach. Here come the tribes. Shrinking Ulong. Big hulking Koror, with all its hot firemen and feuding chicks. Probst explains the challenge. He pulls a lever, and a life ring pops up in the water. Your team member has to swim out and get it and bring it back to your tribe's "pontoon" in the water. The catch is that you're basically allowed to mug each other -- "no punching" being just about the only limitation on your behavior, which is good, because wouldn't you punch some of these people if you could? I certainly would. Anyway, you can wrestle and dunk and harass in whatever way floats your boat in order to get the ring and keep the ring and/or keep the other person from succeeding with it. Probst reminds the contestants, however, that you don't want to make too many enemies who might come back to haunt you if they've still got your claw marks on the flesh of their cheeks when the merge arrives. First round will be one man from each tribe, then one woman from each tribe, and then they'll go from there. First tribe to score three points -- meaning that they get back with the ring three times -- wins reward. And what is the reward? Well, it is the famous sewing kit and fabric from the Pearl Islands, so you can make...a tablecloth. Or a handkerchief. Or a boy's sarong or whatever. Probst says that since they were left with the clothes on their backs, he's seeing a lot of people in underwear, women wearing buffs as skirts, and so forth. And you know that if there's one thing the show does not want, it's people wearing small quantities of clothing. At any rate, it's just about time to get started, and for Koror, Caryn and Willard will be sitting out.

First round will be Jeff versus Tom. Ready? Go! Oh, I love Tom so very, very much. Jeff starts out by letting Tom get the ring. Tom puts it around his waist, which seems smart, but Jeff eventually wrestles the ring away. Tom wrestles it back. Jeff shows off what will be the winning strategy for the game by dragging Tom, rather than trying to get the ring away. So Ulong gets that point. But Tom is still cooler! round is Jen versus Steph. Steph gets the ring. Can I just ask...has Jen ever spoken on the show? Is she a mime? I sort of thought she might take Steph on in this confrontation by doing, like, Trying To Escape From An Invisible Box. But anyway. The two women splash each other. "Good old-fashioned catfight," Probst says approvingly. Ugh. I kind of hate him for saying that, and I kind of hate them for giggling and splashing and kind of leaving it open, you know? The ladies dunk each other a bit, and then Steph drags Jen over toward the Ulong pontoon. Ding! Two to nothing, Ulong. Way to have an advantage in terms of mass!

The round is pairs -- Bobby Jon and Angie against Gregg and Janu. Go! Gregg lets Bobby Jon have the ring and start back. Angie becomes a veritable Tasmanian Devil of nerd revenge, flying into the frame as she dunks Janu first, and then fastens on Gregg, dunking him as well. I'm thinking they wouldn't have been friends in high school. Gregg dunks Bobby Jon, but then Angie the Whirling Dervish grabs Gregg. I like it when people commit to the game. Especially the parts with assault. Bobby Jon ultimately drags this entire pod of people over to the Ulong pontoon, taking care of business and working overtime and such, and his team takes it three points to nothing, thanks in large part to the mad dunking skillz of Angie. Her entire team is really glad she never mastered climbing the rope in gym. Ulong takes the sewing kit, which has to be the girliest reward that a knock-down drag-out involving near-drownings has ever netted anyone. So Probst sends them all away. Back to camp, winners. And, of course, losers.

Back at camp Ulong, the team is happy about the quick shut-out, and Bobby Jon still loves Angie. And he also is happy that they can make so many "garments," as he puts it, with their reward. There's something vaguely biblical about Bobby Jon in that moment, but it's the stupid kind of biblical, like he's going to start quoting rules about how many chickens you can eat and how to arrange your wives when they all have dinner together. Ibrehem, on the other hand, wants it known that he has absolutely no idea what to do with a sewing kit, which is, after all? Girly! Bobby Jon proposes using some of the needles and thread as fishing hooks. But as it turns out, he's generally not that happy about the fact that there are still some things around camp that need doing. He is, of course, willing to do them himself, because he rather emphatically self-reliant, but clearly, the team's state of extreme relaxation is bugging him.

Bobby Jon is, in fact, so concerned that he soothes his weird, sewing-addled brain by going out into the water and spearing what is seriously the world's tiniest fish. It might be a model fish that's used by real fish in historical dioramas. About, you know, great moments in fish, or whatever. Anyway, the rest of the team chills out on the beach. "What are we going to do, just sit here?" Steph wonders, not exactly acting like she thinks that's a horrible idea. "It's like everybody died," Kim observes, commenting on the swath of bodies and, probably, the smell. Bobby Jon tells us that he's "very disappointed" in the tribe, and he doesn't even really want to argue about the stuff that needs doing, so he's just doing it. He says that the tribe was pretty good at sharing the work early on, but things are a little less swell as time goes on. As if to prove his point, Kim sits and watches Bobby Jon bring down coconuts as he voices over that she, in particular, doesn't do any work around camp. Kim, on the other hand, voices over that she thinks Bobby Jon works too much, like he's trying to "cement his place in the group." She says that he won't be useful if he does it for two weeks and then "crashes and burns." She could help, of course, but I guess that potential solution is too easy. I'm always looking for the cheap way out.