Surprise And...Surprise Again!

Previously on Ami's Krazy Mixed-Up Guide To Girl-Bashing Feminism: Ami, Chad, and Chris pushed Eliza through an obstacle course and were treated to a feast of undercooked meat and muddy liquor. They could hardly believe their luck! It was like the Spring Fling in college, only without the streakers. Back at camp, Scout hatched a plan to boot Eliza and Ami, which looked like it was coming together until Ami found out about it. Because Scout told her. Scout was immediately enrolled in future remedial strategery classes, in which Lesson #1 will be that the expression "dog eat dog" doesn't mean it's the same dog, so when you're having a party to plot against someone, it's better not to invite her. Twila snagged immunity, and when Ami talked the Long-Dark-Haired Minions into coming back to the fold, Scout and Twila scattered like cockroaches, and Chad took the boot. Six women and one guy left. Who will be voted off tonight? (And if you say "Chris," you've clearly been watching the show all season, because honestly, what other outcome is plausible?)

Credits. Oh, how I miss Chad already. What a pretty, pretty bald man he was.

Volcano! And...more volcano! Do you think things are getting...hotter? Do ya feel it? DO YA? We stare up through night-vision palm trees, and then see the limp, dusty Alinta flag on Night 27. It doesn't really seem like it can really be all that limp and dusty, but that's sure the way the spooky music makes it look. The sad little group returns from tribal council, and Eliza tells everyone that she had -- yet again -- been totally convinced she was going home. Eliza explains in an interview that she doesn't enjoy going to tribal council over and over again feeling like her head is on the block (which it generally is), but that she finds it a little amusing that no matter how much everyone schemes against her, she's still there. I agree with her. And the farther she gets, the funnier it is, because Eliza's success is self-righteousness's failure, and I have nothing but good things to say about that. As a fire burns, Chris huddles with Eliza, Leann, and Julie, and spills the beans about Twila and Scout's having had this plot to oust Eliza and then knock off the Ami/Leann/Julie axis. Eliza sits with her mouth hanging open. We know she's not shocked to hear she was on the block, so perhaps she's surprised to hear that her own booting was not the end of the plan. "Swear to God on my family's life," Chris says, and he can, because it's completely true. Just because the FBI always says it doesn't mean it isn't true -- sometimes, the craftiest scheme is telling the truth. In an interview, Chris explains that as soon as he got back, he ratted Scout and Twila right out, just to keep everything nice and stirred up. "I just mixed things up as soon as we got back. It's gonna be a mess," he chuckles. I'm happy for him. He has yet to figure out the obvious way to solve his problem, but at least he's scrambling instead of just sitting there waiting for the axe to fall or giving embittered interviews in which he says, "I don't play like that; I play with honor" or some such self-pitying horseshit. Leann says that this "changes everything in [her] head for the moment," which I don't think is exactly a feat on par with moving a piano, if you see my point. But then she voices over that she's not sure what to believe about Chris's claims, because it's obviously to Chris's advantage to create discord among the women. Glad she's got the mental burners on "warm," at least. She's not ready to simmer anything, but at least she could keep soup from congealing.

Clouds float across a blue sky in what looks like stock footage used in a commercial for allergy medication. On the morning of Day 28, Ami and Leann relax in a hammock, nibbling on coconuts and writing "Boys Suck" in their notebooks. Leann interviews that she was a little surprised by everything that happened the night before, so now, she needs to talk to Twila. She goes and bothers Twila -- who's working, as usual, because she doesn't like talking about people behind their backs or standing meaningfully on rocks, so she is probably bored a lot. Twila claims that Chris is planting doubts for his own purposes, and that she thinks there's entirely too much paranoia going around. "I have to tell you, Twila," Leann says, in the lecturing tone of disappointed condescension she probably learned from Ami, "you're striking me as a panic player right now." Twila grabs for the last door marked "BAIL OUT HERE" by giving up the fact that the intrigue last week began with Scout's determination to boot Eliza, not Twila's. Leann -- still borrowing Ami's head-shaking dismay at the imperfections of others -- tells us that Twila confirmed what Chris said, but blamed Scout. "I just didn't think it would happen this soon," chuckles Leann, just so gol-durn let down by everyone. "I thought we would at least wait until the guys were gone before the girls started going crazy on each other." Which is, of course, easy for her to say, because she believes she has a path to the final two. She believes they'll boot Chris, then Eliza, then Scout and Twila, and that she, Ami, and Julie will be F3, and then either Ami or Julie will take her to F2 if it comes to that. This is what Leann believes. And she expects Scout and Twila to go along with this...why? Oh, right. Because it's a hippie commune, not a competition. Shut up, Leann. "If they were going to come up with that plan, they should have stuck with it, 'cause now they're screwed," Leann says knowingly. Yeah, you know...I do sort of think I hear the vague sounds of the impending screw, I'm just...not sure I'm hearing them coming from the same direction Leann is. Go figure.

There are more clouds, and then we move to a beach where the tribe is approaching. Julie is wearing, cockeyed, the Ohio State (I think) baseball cap that has been circulating among her, Chris, and Ami. The obnoxious crooked appearance of said hat will taunt me for the remainder of this segment. The fact that it's okay for one of the Little Rascals, Julie, doesn't mean that it's okay for you. Jeff welcomes the final seven, and then he informs them that this challenge will test their recall of what's happened since the beginning of the game. They'll be asked five questions, and the person who has the most points after five questions will be the winner of the reward. And what's the reward? Well, this is the part of the game where the sap factor begins to swell, because it's time for...the loved ones! Your reward this week will be a one-hour online chat -- which Jeff insists upon referring to as "email," because he hasn't been out of his rugged, khaki-lined hole since 1997 -- with your beloved whatever. What's more, they'll each be teased with a one-minute opportunity to say hello before the challenge starts. Get out your hankies, it's time to see a bunch of normal-looking people who will remind you that almost everyone on Survivor, even if not stupendously hot, is substantially more attractive than anyone they know.

Justin runs out and greets Julie, and they laugh about the fact that when he puts her down, her shorts are about to come clean off. That's the best kind of friend, really, is the one who makes your pants fall down. As Julie and Justin laugh, we cut to Eliza, who is watching with absolutely rapt attention, despite the fact that she already has her mom with her. Eliza reminds me so much of Jenna Lewis, another person I liked more than most people did, who also had an impressive capacity to be happy for other people, even when they were basically not very nice to her. Maybe I just have a soft spot for people who talk too much. I wonder why that would be.

Ami's girlfriend comes in, and there will be no kissing on TV for them, either. Thanks for scaring the shit out of everyone, FCC! I feel safe in the knowledge that I still like boys! Whew! I'm glad you protected me! But with that caveat, it's very sweet.

And then Laurie runs out to greet Chris. I love this, because she jumps up on him and wraps her legs around him, clinging to his neck, even though she's a normal-sized lady and not some little teeny thing like the girls you usually see pulling that maneuver. I think it's very telling about the closeness of their relationship that she did that with such a total absence of inhibition. "I love you, I'll be home," he says. And aside from a peck on the cheek, they don't really kiss either. It's very interesting. I wondered whether this was a compromise in light of knowing they'd get heat if they showed two chicks making out like Rupert and Laura did -- just don't show it with anyone. It doesn't matter that much, because I'm not hot on the make-out scene anyway, but it would be interesting to know how those scenes were negotiated.

At any rate, Jeff sends all the loved ones but Eliza's mom to a boat, where they take off. He sends the tribe and E-Mom back to camp.

At Alinta, later on Day 28, the tribe "welcomes" E-Mom, in the sense that everyone does his or her best to be completely chilly to her, as far as we can tell. Eliza interviews that she's very excited to be able to share all of this with her mother, who is her "best friend." The tribe shares a little "trail mix" with her, which Eliza explains is just fried coconuts and plantains. That's a fairly nice discovery, if they figured that out themselves. Someone asks E-Mom if she thinks Eliza looks thinner, and E-Mom says she found Eliza's cheeks on the computer a little gaunt-looking. E-Mom interviews that she worried a lot about Eliza -- about everything from whether she'd get bug bites or parasites to whether she'd stop flossing or get the Ebola virus. Oh, poor worrying moms and the way they think you're going to get the Ebola virus.