Now The Battle Really Begins

Previously on Meat Loafs: At Lopevi, John was so very tired from all the lying around that he could barely lie around anymore without getting winded. Over at Yasur, Rory appeared to be screwed, no matter how many times he tried to convince Ami that he would be her best friend. Yasur won a reward challenge and spent the week drinking coffee (from Folgers! Try the Home Caf™! Before it's too late! All your French Vanilla are belong to us!), and the rush of chemical stimulant seemed to help Rory to act more friendly toward his tribe. The women, even hopped up on caffeine, were just as determined to get rid of Rory as they had been before. But at the immunity challenge, Rory saved his own salty bacon by kicking butt with a slingshot. Like in the Bible, but with a smarmy emcee announcing the whole thing. ("Goliath really takin' a beating!" -- Jeff 7:16) Suddenly, it was Lopevi that found itself heading for tribal council. It seemed like Julie and Twila would surely fight it out for First Lopevi Chick To Walk The Plank, but the other guys decided that the pretty, useless John should go instead, gambling that Julie and Twila would stick with Sarge, Chris, and Chad rather than heading back to the open arms of the women's alliance in the event of a merge. John tried to get up a coup against Chad, but nothing doing. So it was farewell to the last of the mo-hunk-ans. Now, there are ten left. Who will be the to go, undoubtedly none too soon?

Credits. You know, they can barely make these people look interesting, even when they prop up skulls behind them. Is there anyone in this group you can imagine adding to an All-Star season? "Welcome Richard Hatch, Rudy, Lex, Boston Rob, and...Sarge!" Just...no. Seriously. It's like watching a JV game. (Nothing against people who play JV.)

Volcano! At Lopevi on Night 18, the group is returning from tribal council, having unloaded John. As they sit around the fire in night vision, Chris asks if everyone trusts each other now. "We stay five, we're solid, we go to the end," he says, confident out of all proportion to the situation. Julie interviews that tribal council was "a wonderful thing," because she figured she would be the one packing her bags. As the team socializes by the fire, Sarge is sitting on a log, his legs apart. Julie comes over and sits down right between his legs, resting the back of her head on, basically, his crotch. He explains this in an interview, saying that she seemed to be trying to get warm. Not really sure I'd do that with a married guy without an invitation, but then, I'm not notorious for my naked sunbathing habits, either. Perhaps my reticence is the reason I'm single. Sarge describes himself as having been "like, 'Whoa.'" I'll bet. And I'll bet it was the Joey Lawrence kind of "whoa," too. Back at the Fireside Chat, Julie tells the guys that it's going to be satisfying to have the women see her and realize that she and Twila are with the guys now. Ah, there is no misdirection quite as effective as spite. Chad comments on this in his interview as well, saying that "Sarge was just kinda letting it happen." Yeah, no kidding. The moon rises, and in the craters, you can just make out the words, "Thou shalt not commit adultery!"

And then the sun rises, and it is the day, and the boys are still going on about Julie perching between Sarge's legs. "She's just wanting to solidify another three days," says a sanguine Chris as we cut to a lingering shot of Julie's three-day-solidifying legs. "Remember Ginger on Gilligan's Island?," Chad points out, as if once he makes that comparison, everyone will get it. And it's really so apt, because Ginger was always trying to avoid getting voted off, after all. Julie returns to the fire, and we watch as she sits with her foot resting on Sarge's knee. And if Julie ever had any warmth-related excuse for sitting between his knees by the fire, she certainly would have no similar explanation for this. This is just overt touchiness for touchiness's sake, and it's kind of skeevy, to me, with guys who are married. Especially when you know their wives are going to see it. A certain amount of flirting is harmless, but honestly, I'd have more respect for Sarge if he'd subtly moved his knee, stood up, or done something else to get her to knock that off. Anyway, Twila interviews that certainly Julie is using sex as a weapon. "Not much I can do about it; she's twenty-two years younger than I am," Twila chuckles. Sarge interviews that Julie is both "fine" and "hot," and...like I said, nobody goes blind when they get married, but that's probably about enough of that. He comments that he doesn't get that many opportunities to hang out with twenty-two-year-old models, a situation I'm sure his wife watching at home is now anxious to remedy.

And then...oh, and then. Sarge, Julie, and Twila are lying out in the sun, and Sarge comments that he'd take off his shorts if it wouldn't bother anyone. Me! It will bother me! I wonder how loudly I would have to shout in order to make an impression. Interestingly, I do believe Twila is entirely topless, though lying face-down. I'm not sure I would have pegged her as a topless sunbather. Now, what I don't get about this is that Sarge doesn't even have his shirt off, but he feels the need to rip the shorts off, which strikes me as conspicuously calculated. "Bare the ass," Julie encourages. Sarge tells us that Julie told him he looked good, and should "expose [his] body some more." And he believes her. It's like when hookers tell you they're the best they've ever had, basically. Before you know it, Sarge's shorts are down, and Julie and Twila are commenting on the whiteness of his ass. Sarge explains in an interview that Julie is "an exhibitionist," and that she's very comfortable with the naked thing. "And I told her I'm very comfortable with it," he says, "because I've been in Europe." HA! I don't know why, but I found that line completely hysterical. I'm totally using that the time I want to seem cool about anything that might otherwise seem odd. "I'm very comfortable with it," I will say as someone dips a chocolate cookie in his beer, "because I've been in Europe." Julie and Twila count to three before exposing their asses as well, so now all three of them are tanning their butts. Chris and Chad look over at this little group. "Sarge!" Chris hollers. "What...are...you...doin'?" Chad repeats, in a calmer and more exasperatedly mystified tone, "What are you doin'?" Chris, in an interview, recalls Sarge's ass hanging out, and calls this "an image that will never leave [his] memory." I always wondered what the psychiatrists who work for these shows are responsible for, and now I think I know. "Julie is a bad influence!" Chris hollers to Sarge in mock indignation. Julie claims in her interview that while she doesn't have any expectation that any of this will guarantee her safety, if the guys want to keep her around for "visual stimulation," that's fine with her. In fact, she tells us that she thinks that a premium on hotness would mean she has it in the bag, as we see a particularly cruel shot of her lying on the beach while plain old Twila tromps up the beach. That seems excessive, because I do, after all, get it.

A bat hangs upside-down. I think I'm over that visual metaphor, and I never even really figured it out. At Yasur on Day 19, Scout and Rory are working on making food for breakfast. Rory comments that, actually, if he and Scout were to stop working, the entire camp would grind to a halt. He claims that Leann, Ami, and Eliza have every reason to be "disgusted with themselves" for the way they loaf around. They probably aren't, of course, because people like that are rarely capable of embarrassment. Indeed, we watch Ami's Hypnotized Robot Princesses start to wake up, and Ami asks whether coffee is "ready to go." Jeez. As my father would say, Ami, let us all wait on you hand and foot. Leann isn't sure whether the coffee is ready or not (those lazy jerks who woke up before she did!), but she sure does find it uncomfortable sleeping in their shelter. Rory tells us that having Leann roll her ass out of bed, find coffee ready and plantains ready to eat, and then start griping about her discomfort rankled him. Man, no kidding. In fact, when Scout serves Leann some plantains, Leann gripes that Scout left too much water in the bowl, which...seriously, that is so bad. Food that is served to you by people who worked while you were snoozing is food about which you don't complain unless it comes to life and attacks you with a chainsaw. We watch as Leann aimlessly hacks a coconut while Rory tells us what a "worthless" group he's working with. "Stupid people irritate the living hell out of me," he says, speaking suddenly from inside my brain. He says that Eliza is just dumb, like a little kid. Somewhere, my nephews are like, "Um, HEY." Or they would be, if my sister let them watch anything like this. He explains that he's taught Eliza several times how to make a fire, and that she still is stymied by trying to boil a pot of water by herself. As for Ami, he notes that she's lying around on her ass enjoying being the Queen. And, sure, some of that is sour grapes because he knows he's on the down side of the power dynamic, but it's all pretty much true. And when he adds that he wants to "knock [Ami's] ass down a peg," he cements my (very) temporary liking of him. He wraps up by saying that he's "ready to get the hell outta Yasur." Oh, aren't we all. He adds that he wants to be around some men. "I'm tired of these women," he says. Uh...yeah, thanks. Just quit while you're ahead. Hate them individually, not collectively.

We fly to a typical challenge beach, where Jeff welcomes first Yasur, then Lopevi. Yasur sees that Lopevi voted off John, and Scout gives an ecstatic sigh. Jeff asks what that was about, and Scout says she's just so happy to see Twila, who she dreamed was voted off. "Twila ain't goin' nowhere," Sarge adds, all dark and we-own-her-now. Jeff divines that Sarge apparently took Scout's comment as a statement that Scout thinks Twila is in on a women's alliance of sorts, and Scout insists that she's "just happy to see [Twila]." Jeff can't even get himself interested in this brand of intrigue, so he moves on, telling the group that it's time to get down to the challenge, which is a relay-ish race in which they're going to get wet. I find myself hoping that it involves people having their heads held underwater, but nothing doing. The way this actually works is that you're transporting water along your line of tribe members, each of whom stands at a "station," with the first person down close to the water. That person scoops up a bucket of water, which is basically a coffee can. They then run up to a marked spot and toss the full can to the person at his or her station, obviously trying to do it without spilling any more water than necessary. That person tosses to another person, and then it goes to another person. The fourth person takes whatever water is left in the can and tosses the water -- just the water, not the can -- at the fifth person, who is standing there with an empty can and will try to catch as much as possible. Fifth person then takes that can over, climbs up a ladder, and empties it -- if there's anything it by then -- into a big bucket on a fire tower. When you fill the big bucket up with enough trips down the line, the bucket sinks, a flame rises, and you light the top of your tower. That challenge took way too long to explain. Does it make sense? Everybody's trying to figure out how you throw a full can of water to another person without losing all the water, and then the last person is trying to figure out how to throw water at someone so that they can catch it in a can.

And what are they playing for? Jeff first unveils chocolate chip cookies and milk, and then he adds a giant chocolate cake, which seems anticlimactic to me. Chocolate chip cookies are much better than cake. In fact, I've been known to argue that most fancy desserts are ridiculous overkill, as none of them are as good as a well-made chocolate chip cookie and a little Breyer's vanilla. But anyway. "Survivors ready, go!" Manning the stations down by the water are Eliza and Sarge, who run down and fill their buckets. The throw from Sarge to Twila works pretty well, but when Eliza throws the bucket to Leann, most of the water comes out. Essentially, both teams do a very bad job with this first trip, and Rory and Chris, at the end of the lines, wind up catching nothing by the time the water gets to them. Sarge and Eliza try again. Sarge starts barking orders, which causes Jeff to remark that "somebody's gonna be running laps," which I actually thought was rather witty, given that it's Jeff. On the third run for Lopevi, they finally get some water to Chris. We could go on like this all day, but the short version is that Yasur sucks at this challenge. They're constantly soaking each other, and they just have a much harder time getting the hang of tossing a full can of water in a way that will keep it mostly facing the same direction and thus not losing all the water. In addition, Ami really doesn't have a clue how to throw the water so that Rory can catch it in the can. (Not dirty!) Lopevi doesn't take long to catch up from the deficit they took on in the first couple of rounds, and before you know it, Chris is all excited, telling Chad, "Good one, dude, that was a good throw!" Rory, meanwhile, is seen emptying his shoes into the bucket. Not a good sign. As I said, Lopevi gets the hang of it in a way that Yasur never does, and sure enough, Lopevi takes the victory when it gets the bucket to drop and the flame to ignite. Yasur's winning streak is over, and Jeff sends them over like the losers they are. Lopevi, on the other hand, gets to pick up the cookies and milk and cake, and they go home. It looks like all five of them have to share a pitcher of milk, which sucks. Beer was unlimited; milk is rationed. What message are we sending about alcohol and calcium, Mr. Burnett?

The sun rises. There is a butterfly. There is another butterfly. But all the butterflies are doomed, because...Volcano! It appears that it is now the day, and they're all commenting on the substantial quantity of cake they have left. Sarge actually doesn't want to talk about it, because it seems that all the sweets yesterday did not agree with him. In fact, he tells us that his body wasn't ready for all the sugar, to the point where he wishes the entire reward had never even happened. I am grateful, in a limited sense, for the fact that he at least does not feel obligated to share any more than that about whatever is going on digestively. The rest of his team, undaunted, continues to work on the cake. They eventually wander back around to discussing the challenge, and Sarge remarks pointedly, "Scout was happy to see Twila." In an interview, Twila explains that she sort of wishes Scout would have kept her yap shut about the big love, because she's afraid that it's going to make the guys on her tribe assume that Twila is still with the women. Twila's been telling them she really has no allegiance to the Y-ettes, and she doesn't want the guys to get it in their heads that this isn't true.

Jeff asks about the vote tonight. He asks specifically about lack of trust, and asks Twila whether she feels stuck in the middle of the shifting power stuff that's going on. She says she does, because she's enjoyed being with both tribes. She admits that she did get along better with the guys, overall. Jeff offers Sarge the opportunity to share the immunity necklace, but he says no. They should really stop offering that option, because nobody does it.

All right, voting time. Chris votes. Leann votes for Rory. "You're just the unfortunate victim of the master plan," she says. Man, I'll bet actual master plans everywhere are totally offended at being compared to the work of these simpletons. Scout votes. Chad votes. Eliza votes. Ami votes with a smirk, of course. Sarge votes. Rory votes for Ami. "This is the first time that I've made a completely personal vote," he says. "Your treatment of me over the last nine days has been horrible, I have little or no respect for you, and I really hope that, like a rash, you're finally gone." Well, then. Not so much with the warm team feelings there. Even after all that Folgers coffee. How is that possible? I'm not sure Folgers promotes emotional healing after all. Julie votes. Twila votes.

Jeff goes for the urn. Of course, Lopevi is expecting 6-4 for Ami, and Yasur is expecting 6-4 for Rory. Just because we haven't tortured Rory quite enough yet, Jeff starts by rattling off FOUR Ami votes. Followed by six Rory votes. You know, that's just not necessary. I hate it when they do that, because it doesn't have any purpose except to torture the person being voted on. We all know who the two possibilities are, and we all know Rory's getting some votes. It doesn't create suspense for us to do it that way; it just seems sadistic, kind of. Anyway, Chad knows when they hit the fifth Rory vote that they're in trouble, because obviously, the Twila/Julie block has failed him. Anyway, Rory shakes his head, gets up, and goes over to be snuffed. Eliza grins self-satisfiedly in a way that is very, very unfortunate. You've got to keep that look off your face, sister, because you look even more lemur-y than usual, and you also look like an enormously nasty bitch. Chad makes a dramatic "Oh, shit" face. SNUFF! Rory leaves.

What's interesting about this is that this isn't over for Lopevi, it seems to me, if they don't fuck it up. I realize the three guys appear to be screwed, but let's say Sarge, Chad, and Chris went to Twila and Scout and said, "You know damn well those Bowheads will stick together and boot the two of you. Come with us and boot them first." Because Twila hasn't even fully turned on Lopevi yet, because Rory wasn't part of that group. The guys might be able to get her back if they could offer her an opportunity to go to the final five with the five people she likes best in the game. I admit that the guys will probably go one-two-three over the three weeks, but Twila and Julie haven't even completely committed yet, and I definitely think Twila is conflicted. We'll see what happens. If Ami wins, I'm going to cry.

In his exit interview, Rory calls himself "the victim of a gender war," and talks about how much he enjoyed being at Vanuatu. Except for being the victim of the war, presumably.

week: Sarge gives in to the hate. Leann is "pro-love." The team gets a pig: Sarge wants to eat it, and Eliza wants to keep it as a pet. Oh, Eliza.