Previously on Haven't You Always Wished This Show Were Hosted By Ryan Seacrest: Rupert didn't win. And obviously, that was unacceptable.
We fade in on a cheering crowd and a bunch of tooth-gritting Survivors as Jeff, wearing a lovely pale blue sweater, announces that we are live, and that one of the All-Stars is about to get a million bucks, based on the thirty-eight million votes that have been cast. By people who are my mortal enemies for life, as it turns out. No offense if you are among them, unless you find it offensive that we are mortal enemies. "It is America's Tribal Council!" Jeff yells. Feh. Speak for yourself, Smiley. ["Also, I voted. From Canada. But that's okay, CBS. Don't mind me." -- Wing Chun]
After an obligatory run of credits, Jeff goes to a lot of trouble to point out that the crowd is only about a hundred people, and that the stage is small. Why do I care? Is this supposed to be the intimacy part? Is this the part where we share? Because we've seen these people naked, so unless they're planning on having X-Rays done, there's practically nothing left to learn. Jeff recaps that he announced on Sunday night that Survivor had decided to throw principle to the wind and give away a million dollars on popularity alone. He also insists that the Sunday reunion was "lively." Whatever. So is a hive of bees. Jeff reminds us that text messages and online voting -- the two most reliable forms of voting other than yelling out the window who you want to win -- were used to determine the outcome. Jeff will first drop it to four, and then the final one who gets the million. The audience "Wooooo!"s some more.
Jeff says that a lot has happened since the reunion, and he takes the opportunity to recap Rob and Amber's week of fame. He holds up the copies of Us Weekly and Entertainment Weekly and People that feature their gorgeous mugs. There is more cheering as we look at a grinning Rob and Amber. "You guys haven't stopped since we went off the air," Jeff says, and I'm not even asking what that means. Rob says that they've "barely slept since Sunday." Amber mentions that a lot of the PR has been done together, so they "got to spend some time with each other." I've heard that's a good thing to do before you get married. Jeff rattles off the TV appearances they've done on Letterman and so forth, and Rob marvels at the fact that he's been flying all over the place First Class, which is "not normal." I think the same thing every time I see those people up there with their little curtain and their little free drinks and their little room to move their elbows without coordinating with the person to them. Jeff asks what the weirdest moment has been for Amber, and she rubs Rob's arm as she says that it was definitely all the TV appearances. That's not a "moment," Amber. That's the whole week. If you're going to bother showing up on a dumb spectacle like this, you could at least listen to the questions. Anyway, Amber claims that the whole thing has been "a blast." Jeff asks whether they've been approached with offers to televise their wedding, and they look at each other all smiley in such a way that you can tell they have been, and Amber says, "Um, possibly." Rob says they have in fact had a network come to them about televising the wedding. Would they do that, Jeff wonders? They say they'd have to talk to their families first. But then Rob says, "If the price is right, Jeff," and smiles. Jeff chooses this moment to announce that he's an ordained minister, and to suggest that he could marry them right now, but Rob points out that his mother would slap him silly. It would be oddly fitting, though, to pack as much total crap as possible into this hour so that they can start season with a crap deficit.
Jeff moves on to Jerri, and says he's glad to see her, after her recent wig-out. She grins that she's already "scoped out the nearest exit," like har har. Jeff calls it a "rough moment," when she got all the booing. She says, much less defensively than last time, that she felt like she "opened [her]self up" during the season, and that she felt like people might be more positive, so when she got booed, she found it "horrifying." And I hear that. But still. Jeff asks her if she made the point she was trying to make, and Jerri says that she made her point by leaving. Yeah, that always works. She repeats that a lot has happened since Sunday, and that there's been time for "healing." (Eye-roll.) She says that was her point -- they all needed "the time and the space to heal." Because they were in a war and they all just got divorced from each other and their kitty just died.
Jeff says he wants to ask Jerri something she doesn't know he's going to ask: he's heard that she told someone she was mad at Jeff himself about the incident where she was booed. She complains that the audience "wasn't told or kept under control well enough to make us feel safe." Oy. And like so many people who use the word "safe" these days, Jerri is using to mean "free from being criticized." Jeff asks her whether she feared "bodily harm" from the people booing her, or whether she wanted the audience to be told to "be nice." Snerk. Jerri goes on a big thing about how the last episode has always been "for us." No. No, no, no. Nothing is for you. You're the floor show, and no one cares whether you enjoy the Chicken Kiev they're serving in the dining room. Jerri goes on to explain that everybody but "the chosen few" were booed. So now you see what it is -- she wanted the producers or Jeff or whoever to enforce fairness and equity so that no one would be singled out on the basis that they were more or less of an asshole. Now I get it. She complains that the contestants didn't "get to express what [they] were feeling without being judged once again." Oh, go do some of that sweaty-ass yoga and clear your chi or whatever the hell and then get back to me, you big baby. "This show wouldn't be Survivor without us participating," she says haughtily. And she's dead to me with that comment. Jeff adds, quite reasonably, that "it would not be a show without the audience." He goes on to point out that this means that when the audience reacts, the fact that Jerri doesn't like what they have to say doesn't mean it's not legitimate. Thank you, Jeff.
Jeff turns to Hatch for his take on the whole "being hated" thing, considering that he's always seemed to rather revel in it in all his naked...well, revelry. Hatch says that he doesn't exactly like being hated; he just doesn't mind it, because he doesn't mind whatever the audience wants to think about him "as entertainment." Jeff asks if it's fair to say that by going on a reality show, in a sense, you become whoever the audience thinks you are. "I knew that going in," Hatch responds, "and I believe that to this day." He goes on, of course, to insist that he's not really the way people think, which is probably not so, but whatever. He claims to think "it's great." So he's the voice of reason, all of a sudden.
Jeff turns to Amazon Rob, who was so neglected at the reunion. He says that "as likable as you are in person, you were a villain." Amazon Rob has an enormously nervous, overly smiley, kid-in-a-talent-show look about him throughout this hour that I just don't understand. He looks like he has never had his picture taken before, let alone appeared on television. He stammers that it is, in fact a game, and that it's tough to have people come up and tell you they hate you. He goes on to say that fame has its perks, after all, because before you were a nobody, and now everybody knows who you are. "It's a good thing, Survivor," he finally says firmly. And I think it's safe to say that if your priorities are the same as Amazon Rob's, that's true.
For a fresh taste of everything that's bitter, Jeff goes to Lex, asking him what the effect is on your family when people hate you. Jeff stops short of saying "as they once didn't, but now do, when it comes to you personally, LEX." Apparently, Lex told Jeff earlier in the week that he felt bad that his kids had to see "that," which I guess means his getting booed at the reunion. I suppose not being a dick in the first place was an option that might have spared Lex's kid that experience, not that I would have expected Lex to take that option. Or notice it when it went by. Lex says that there's a "huge impact" on a person's family from all of this, but he starts up the hip-hop crossover hands and explains that "if you've got a really good thing goin' with your family," then that can get you through anything. He says his son is fine. Although undoubtedly growing up with some strange notions of how you play checkers properly. The great thing is that Lex says that you'd know more about him if you met him for sixty seconds than you would from watching him on TV for thirteen weeks. Because in sixty seconds, it would all make sense, even though when he's on television, live and unedited, he consistently makes himself look like an even bigger jackass than he was on the show. Lex, your theory is weak and watery, but thanks for offering it anyway. Lex closes with his happy remarks about being able to go back to his friends and family, all of whom are presumably at peace with his being a self-important prick. Hey, if you can't be a prick to your friends, to whom can you be one?
Jeff says that he has one more thing to bring up, which he calls "the last sensitive topic." Apparently, Jerri has remarked somewhere, and it has gotten back to Jeff, that the only reason she and some others were at the finale and are at this event is because of contractual obligations. Thus, Jeff would like to say they are all free to go if they don't want to be there: "If there's anyone who does not want to be here, we don't want you to be here." Furthermore, he says, if you win the million dollars after you leave, you'll still get your check. "Here's your chance to go if you want to go," he says. "Otherwise, I don't want to hear about it anymore." Jeff, I may kiss you. Seriously. Prepare yourself. Audience: "Wooooo!" Jerri's jaw: "[Lock.]" Pretty much everyone besides Jerri applauds, and unsurprisingly, no one leaves. Because the last thing Jerri wants is to leave quietly and have people stop paying attention to her. She'd have to find another show to go on then. Jeff comments that everyone is staying, and says that we're going to reveal the first person who's in the final four.
Creepy music plays, and Jeff says that he'll give clues. In this person's season, the person "dominated in the challenges." Several people, particularly Sue, seem very excited at the prospect of who they think it is. This person played the way he lives, and "some would say that approach cost him a million dollars." Jeff pulls a paper from an urn, and reveals the name of...Colby, of course. Colby -- who looks even lovelier than usual, which hardly seems possible -- gets a big hug from Tina above him. We peek in on a Dallas party at the Hard Rock Café, where everyone is holding up "Vote 4 Colby" signs. Boy, they really are aping American Idol here, aren't they? Colby walks down to the front of the group and perches on one of four stools. And then there's a montage of Colby's awesomeness. Which mostly makes me think about how cute he is, even though I do also enjoy his personality. (No, I do!) Fortunately, they don't show the moments this season when he was kind of dicky, and I appreciate that, because I'm exhausted enough without trying to work up the energy for cognitive dissonance. When we return from the montage, the crowd is still cheering for Colby. Jeff asks Colby about how "ethics" worked against him when he played, and asks whether it might work for him this time. Colby claims not to have thought about it, saying that you can't control how people perceive you, which is one of the reasons he doesn't worry about his decision with Tina. He says that if you make a decision that you know is right for you, you don't worry about how other people perceive you. I loved that comment, and I agree with it utterly. And also, nice teeth. He smiles and says that in a way, this is an even bigger prize than the regular million, because you don't have to suffer six weeks of hell to get it. And also, I guess, it's more trashy because it doesn't imply that you have merit -- only that you have appeal.
Jeff points out that in addition to the big vote for the million, viewers voted for some other stuff, and he shows clips of the biggest fights -- Alicia/Kimmi, Ghandia/Ted, Clay/Robb, Rupert/Jon, and Lex/Rob. Jeff says that the most votes were cast for Rupert/Jon, and Rupert smiles his Muppet smile, because the part where he put his hands on a guy's neck in anger is really funny and adorable and nothing like the creepy, overbearing display it would be if anybody else did it. He sure is a teddy bear, that one.
And then, before the break, Jeff has to ask yet again, just in case you find that you still care, whether the last few days have brought any changes between Lex and Boston Rob. Lex shakes his head sadly. He's crying with disappointment all the way to the tips of his blue hair. Boston Rob says no, at this point nothing has changed. He claims that he's apologized, which...I don't think is actually correct. I don't think he apologized, at least publicly -- nor do I think he needed to. Anyway, Rob says that beyond that, he doesn't know what else he can do. Lex claims that he has "no hard feelings," and in fact has no feelings at all. I guess he called Rob "trash" in public for scientific reasons. Jeff then asks Big Tom about things -- he notes that he and Rob shook hands at the reunion, but Jeff isn't sure that's going to stick. "You know, Boston Rob," Big Tom says, "I'm forty-eight, and I think me and him'll work through the pain." In other words, "I am busted as to my pre-formed alliance with Lex, so I should quit now before I look like an even bigger ass than I already do, lest I start competing with Lex for Biggest Hypocrite Of All, a title we all agree he should now hold in perpetuity." Jeff congratulates Tom for being so magnanimous, and everyone applauds. Jeff sends us to the break with a look at one of the "greatest Survivor moments" -- in this case, the "rats and snakes" speech. Ah, good times.
When we return, Jeff reminds us about the million, and my head begins to hurt. Apparently, thirty-eight million votes were cast, which seems like a lot, until you consider how many people there are who think beard mites are hot. And now, Jeff says he's going to show "the guys you nominated as sexiest Survivor man." Uh, Jeff? We didn't nominate. We voted, but you put up the list, nitwit. Anyway. Ethan showering, Boston Rob and the sleazestache, Hunter smiling, Greg not talking on the coconut phone, Gervase grimacing, Burton "checking out his guns," Robb Z. glowering, Savage (SAVAGE?) walking in the water, Amazon Alex and his unfortunate beard, and...Colby. Ah, Colby. ["Who the hell did Gervase have to blow to get on that list? Or Savage? Or Robb? Lord." -- Wing Chun] Jeff announces that the winner, because America is not completely insane, is Colby. This makes Colby laugh. Colby asks if there's money for that, and Jeff tells him there's not, heh. Jeff asks him about the acting thing, the ad thing, and so forth. He asks how different Colby's life is now, and I so love Colby for saying it's a "180" instead of a "360," as so many people would. Colby says that he signed up just for the game, and now he's faaaaamous! He says he "had no plans for it." Yeah, right. Never wanted fame. I guess he just wanted to get really tired and not eat, and this seemed like the easiest way.
Anyway, it's now time to add another someone to the final four. And I'm not even bothering to recap the clues, because this was so bizarre to me that I can't even tell you. It's Big Tom, which shocked me completely. He does a little dance and walks down to sit on his stool, as we look in on his hometown party. I'm sorry, but...Big Tom? Whatever. He was a bad player and an asshole. What is up with that? Sometimes America seriously does appear cracked. We enjoy a montage of Tom babbling and dancing and walking around with stuff in his butt. Lex is shown in Africa saying that the fact that Tom is smarter then he looks, in Lex's words, "endeared me to him." And that's backwards, but that's okay. (Supposed to be, of course, "endeared [endearing person] to [person talking]," as was stated in the most knee-melting song of all time: "For the things you do endear you to me.") After the montage, Tom is tearing up. Jeff claims that Tom is "touched," and he doesn't mean it the way I would. Tom says that "for a man who's never been anywhere, I've been everywhere now." ["Not that he remembers which countries he was in, apparently, but whatever. He was drunk." -- Wing Chun] He talks about how much he owes to Mark Burnett and to his wife for putting in his application. And to Berlitz, for everything. Jeff says we have two spots left, and we'll deal with them shortly. Oh, but first, another "great moment" -- Mike's burnt hands that almost made him die. Is that "great"? Hmm. I wouldn't have said so, but perhaps I am a sissy about medical emergencies.
When we come back, we flash (heh) back to Jenna and Heidi unnecessarily stripping for peanut butter. Back at the gathering, Jenna is laughing at how great that clip is. "Woooo!" she says, applauding herself as we go to a COMPLETELY FUCKING CREEPY shot of a little girl of about nine in the audience, clapping, all, "Yay! Stripping!" My God, that was unsettling. Jeff says this was another "great" moment. Jeff asks Jenna if she has any regrets about doing that, and Jenna says no, it's "the only way people remember [her]." She happily says, "The naked bitch, and I'm fine with that." Jeff asks her if she thinks she's more famous for nudity than victory, and she says, "Probably." She adds that she "was so hungry [she] could have cared less." She's apparently untroubled by the fact that there really was no need to strip at that point.
Jeff asks a still-twitchy Amazon Rob how important "hot women" are to a season of Survivor. Amazon Rob says that before, he didn't know any hot women, and now he knows a lot. I'm sure all the women he knew previously are really appreciating that remark. Jeff very clearly starts to say that Rob "traded up" to his current girlfriend, hotness-wise, and if Rob had a girlfriend whom Jeff knows anything about, then it's safe to say Jeff is going straight to hell. But he corrects himself and just says that Rob has a much cuter girlfriend than he would have had before the show. So going to hell is up in the air, kind of. ["I'm willing to bet there was no pre-Survivor girlfriend for Amazon Rob; he certainly gave me the impression during his season that he'd never touched a girl's boobie." -- Wing Chun] Everyone applauds and cheers, because God knows a guy is always better off with a hot girlfriend, irrespective of any other qualities she might have. She could be hot and a religious zealot gun-toting pyromaniac who walks like a truck, but he would still be lucky.
Anyway, now Jeff runs down the hot women "nominees," once again delusionally suggesting that we nominated them, which we didn't. Heidi, Jenna M. (both bathing), Colleen ("first cutie"), Elisabeth, Jerri ("sexy villain"), Implant Sarah, Alicia, Erin's ass, Darrah, and -- of course -- Million-Dollar Amber. And who's the winner? It's Million-Dollar Amber. ["Because the one thing that makes hot girls even hotter is when they're rich!" -- Wing Chun] Jeff asks Boston Rob how he feels about Amber having a million dollars and also being the hottest. Jeff starts to say, "She's yours, is there any --" and Rob cuts him off, laughing, "She's mine, you just got it right there." He really does seem to have, at least on the surface, not a hint of jealousy about all this, which is kind of nice. "That's right, you're the one who won," Jeff says. "That's right," Rob agrees, and the audience gives him the "awww."
Jeff reviews the voting, the two they've already added, blah dee blah. And now it's time to add a third person to the final four. There is some very amusing eye-rolling going on in the back row between Sue and Jenna M. when they figure out that Jeff is talking about Rupert, as they knew was inevitable. And as, of course, he is. Rupert gets up and takes his place in the front row. Roar Count: Three, before he even settles. Jeff throws a shot of his hometown party up on the screen, and Rupert roars again. (Roar Count: Four.) Jeff shows us a Rupert montage, and I am reminded how I went from moderately liking him to despising him to my very core. Oh, and I am also reminded of how much he needed to be wearing underwear when they achieved fire, and wasn't. After the montage, the Roar Count is pumped up to five. Jeff asks Rupert about his whole "never surrender" motto, and Rupert claims that this is something he always tells all those troubled youths he's always mentoring. As the bastion of maturity that he is, you know. "You do what you say, you say what you do," he says. He left off the part of the motto where it's also okay to do something and then attack other people for doing exactly the same thing. But that's kind of long, and it doesn't fit that well into a motto. Jeff congratulates Rupert on the extremely shocking fact that he's in the final four. Jeff promises that we'll soon learn the identity of the last finalist, not that it matters.
We get another "great" moment, which is Fairplay's dead grandma. Are these "great" moments? Because they all kind of made me want to stop watching the show.
Back from the break, Jeff says that without villains, the show would be nothing, and here come the nominees. Hatch. Jerri. Brian. Amazon Rob (not a villain, incidentally). Jon. As it turns out, the winner is Jon, and the crappiest thing about that is that they have him in the audience as a result. He's wearing a suit and sunglasses in the front row, and from the moment they train the camera on him, you can tell that he still doesn't realize that it's over. Seriously, Jon? It's over. Jeff asks Jon for an update on his exciting life, and Jon, instead of answering, makes a remark he thinks is witty about how he was looking for "the casting for All-Star 2." Har, har. Jeff says, surprised but not at all kidding, "You're still bitter you weren't on All-Stars." Jon pretends he doesn't care, and says that now, he's a pro wrestler anyway. Apparently, he's on pay-per-view. Yes, that's right. You pay, per view of Jon. For each view of Jon that you want, you have to pay. It sounds like they're going to be printing their own money to me. "We're glad you're here," Jeff says, and does not mean. He does, however, mean it when he says, "And good luck getting into the after-party." HA! Oh, Jeff.
Jeff says that it's time to fill the last slot in the final four. As it turns out, the fourth finalist is Boston Rob. I could tell you the clues, but they're about as clever as the challenge poetry, so we should probably all just spare ourselves. Rob takes his seat. I love that Boston Rob's hometown party is made up entirely of little kids. I have no idea what it means, but I thought it was hilarious. Jeff says that Rob has had a lot of press this week, and has been claiming that he deserves the second million, popularity aside. Rob says, "No question." He goes on to say that it's not a secret to anyone that Rupert is by far the most popular, so his argument is that it's equally clear that Rob played the game the hardest. Rob's montage shows, most troublingly, the development of the sleazestache. Ew. Bad sleazestache! Ohhh, but it does show the part where he lifted Colby and threw him off the log. Because that was hot. I'm not too proud to say I could watch them fight all day and not get bored. ["Hey, that day you spend watching them fight? Can I come over?" -- Wing Chun]
After Rob's montage, Jeff asks him whether it ever occurs to him that he could have been nicer in the way that he delivered news to people, and that it might have helped the public perception of him if he had. Rob says that he never intended to hurt anyone's feelings or behave maliciously toward anyone. He agrees that he used friendships, as well as every other weapon he had available. He says, in summary, that he played a game, and he has no regrets. So he kind of didn't answer the question.
Jeff talks up the impending reveal, and then throws us to another commercial.
When we come back, Jeff says that there will be no more commercials until the winner. He tells us that if you want to own a piece of history, you can buy some stuff on eBay. Now, it's time for Jeff to pimp season, which will take place, it turns out, in the South Pacific, in "the islands of Vanuatu." I think he's R2D2's cousin, by the way. But in addition to being a robot, apparently, Vanuatu is a place where the spirits are presumed to be powerful, and cannibalism was once one of your dinner options. But it's pretty! And it is, actually. And soon, sixteen castaways will be sent here. This fall, someone will win, and if you're lucky, the result will be rendered irrelevant when the audience gives away another prize to whomever is the most adept at cheap-ass self-promotion. ["I'll feel quite betrayed by that promo if there isn't actual cannibalism season." -- Wing Chun]
Now, it's time for Jeff to reveal the favorite moment from Survivor ever, according to the viewer votes, and it's...Rupert stealing shoes? Is America fucking serious? That's better than rats and snakes? Please. Ridiculous. Rupert picked up some fucking flip-flops that were sitting there right to him. It's not exactly Inherit The Wind, drama-wise. That is just...absolutely unbelievable. In fact, I don't really believe it, and it tends to make me more convinced than ever that this vote was of highly questionable validity. I just don't believe that any legitimate viewer poll that wasn't manipulated by somebody could possibly have named flip-flop-stealing as the greatest moment of all time. Of course, Rupert is clapping for himself when we return to the show.
Jeff says it's time for the reveal. He sassily pats his ass, telling us that that's where the check is. Of course, it's also where his ass is, and that's not entirely a point of no interest for certain people in the audience, of whom I am not one, but with whom I have some sympathy. Jeff also mentions the interesting fact that women have won the game five times out of eight, but that they've made no dent in the final four. Yep.
God, let's just get it over with. The winner is Rupert, and he gets a million dollars, so there's lots and lots of roaring and screaming and "Woooo!"-ing. So the producers got the outcome that they wanted. What's remarkable is that Mark Burnett went out in the media this week and actually explained why this essentially ruined his show. Here's his quote about the allure of reality shows, taken from this recent interview: "It's the unpredictable nature of these shows that's important to the audience...people really wanted Rupert to win." See? He knows. So he's either a complete idiot, or he's basically calling out the fact that this was a horrible fuck-up, and not his idea.
Anyway, Rupert and his family cry, and then they come up on stage, and then Jeff fills out the check and gives it to him. Jeff leans over and says "Happy birthday" to Rupert's daughter, which...yeah. Some shout-outs aren't really shout-outs so much as they are eye-stabbing ironies.
It's a shame. I mean, I don't really care who gets a million dollars and who doesn't, but it's always a shame when a show you kind of dug does something you hate that makes you feel...whatever is beyond "insulting my intelligence," that's what this was. You don't want to get all fist-shaking about justice and Survivor, but on the other hand...well, I've done the whole argument, and I'm not doing it again, but if they continue doing this, the show's basically over, as far as I'm concerned. Because you won't know whether the interviews are calculated for your benefit as an audience member, and you won't know whether people have decided to throw the first million and go for the audience million. So let's just hope that this was a failed experiment, rather than anything they're planning on making standard.
So Rupert got his wish and his million dollars, and he didn't have to do anything like win, or play well, or anything like that. The End. Wow, what a great story.