Survivor S08E17

Previously on Haven't You Always Wished This Show Were Hosted By Ryan Seacrest: Rupert didn't win. And obviously, that was unacceptable.

We fade in on a cheering crowd and a bunch of tooth-gritting Survivors as Jeff, wearing a lovely pale blue sweater, announces that we are live, and that one of the All-Stars is about to get a million bucks, based on the thirty-eight million votes that have been cast. By people who are my mortal enemies for life, as it turns out. No offense if you are among them, unless you find it offensive that we are mortal enemies. "It is America's Tribal Council!" Jeff yells. Feh. Speak for yourself, Smiley. ["Also, I voted. From Canada. But that's okay, CBS. Don't mind me." -- Wing Chun]

After an obligatory run of credits, Jeff goes to a lot of trouble to point out that the crowd is only about a hundred people, and that the stage is small. Why do I care? Is this supposed to be the intimacy part? Is this the part where we share? Because we've seen these people naked, so unless they're planning on having X-Rays done, there's practically nothing left to learn. Jeff recaps that he announced on Sunday night that Survivor had decided to throw principle to the wind and give away a million dollars on popularity alone. He also insists that the Sunday reunion was "lively." Whatever. So is a hive of bees. Jeff reminds us that text messages and online voting -- the two most reliable forms of voting other than yelling out the window who you want to win -- were used to determine the outcome. Jeff will first drop it to four, and then the final one who gets the million. The audience "Wooooo!"s some more.

Jeff says that a lot has happened since the reunion, and he takes the opportunity to recap Rob and Amber's week of fame. He holds up the copies of Us Weekly and Entertainment Weekly and People that feature their gorgeous mugs. There is more cheering as we look at a grinning Rob and Amber. "You guys haven't stopped since we went off the air," Jeff says, and I'm not even asking what that means. Rob says that they've "barely slept since Sunday." Amber mentions that a lot of the PR has been done together, so they "got to spend some time with each other." I've heard that's a good thing to do before you get married. Jeff rattles off the TV appearances they've done on Letterman and so forth, and Rob marvels at the fact that he's been flying all over the place First Class, which is "not normal." I think the same thing every time I see those people up there with their little curtain and their little free drinks and their little room to move their elbows without coordinating with the person to them. Jeff asks what the weirdest moment has been for Amber, and she rubs Rob's arm as she says that it was definitely all the TV appearances. That's not a "moment," Amber. That's the whole week. If you're going to bother showing up on a dumb spectacle like this, you could at least listen to the questions. Anyway, Amber claims that the whole thing has been "a blast." Jeff asks whether they've been approached with offers to televise their wedding, and they look at each other all smiley in such a way that you can tell they have been, and Amber says, "Um, possibly." Rob says they have in fact had a network come to them about televising the wedding. Would they do that, Jeff wonders? They say they'd have to talk to their families first. But then Rob says, "If the price is right, Jeff," and smiles. Jeff chooses this moment to announce that he's an ordained minister, and to suggest that he could marry them right now, but Rob points out that his mother would slap him silly. It would be oddly fitting, though, to pack as much total crap as possible into this hour so that they can start season with a crap deficit.

Jeff moves on to Jerri, and says he's glad to see her, after her recent wig-out. She grins that she's already "scoped out the nearest exit," like har har. Jeff calls it a "rough moment," when she got all the booing. She says, much less defensively than last time, that she felt like she "opened [her]self up" during the season, and that she felt like people might be more positive, so when she got booed, she found it "horrifying." And I hear that. But still. Jeff asks her if she made the point she was trying to make, and Jerri says that she made her point by leaving. Yeah, that always works. She repeats that a lot has happened since Sunday, and that there's been time for "healing." (Eye-roll.) She says that was her point -- they all needed "the time and the space to heal." Because they were in a war and they all just got divorced from each other and their kitty just died.

Jeff says he wants to ask Jerri something she doesn't know he's going to ask: he's heard that she told someone she was mad at Jeff himself about the incident where she was booed. She complains that the audience "wasn't told or kept under control well enough to make us feel safe." Oy. And like so many people who use the word "safe" these days, Jerri is using to mean "free from being criticized." Jeff asks her whether she feared "bodily harm" from the people booing her, or whether she wanted the audience to be told to "be nice." Snerk. Jerri goes on a big thing about how the last episode has always been "for us." No. No, no, no. Nothing is for you. You're the floor show, and no one cares whether you enjoy the Chicken Kiev they're serving in the dining room. Jerri goes on to explain that everybody but "the chosen few" were booed. So now you see what it is -- she wanted the producers or Jeff or whoever to enforce fairness and equity so that no one would be singled out on the basis that they were more or less of an asshole. Now I get it. She complains that the contestants didn't "get to express what [they] were feeling without being judged once again." Oh, go do some of that sweaty-ass yoga and clear your chi or whatever the hell and then get back to me, you big baby. "This show wouldn't be Survivor without us participating," she says haughtily. And she's dead to me with that comment. Jeff adds, quite reasonably, that "it would not be a show without the audience." He goes on to point out that this means that when the audience reacts, the fact that Jerri doesn't like what they have to say doesn't mean it's not legitimate. Thank you, Jeff.

Jeff turns to Hatch for his take on the whole "being hated" thing, considering that he's always seemed to rather revel in it in all his naked...well, revelry. Hatch says that he doesn't exactly like being hated; he just doesn't mind it, because he doesn't mind whatever the audience wants to think about him "as entertainment." Jeff asks if it's fair to say that by going on a reality show, in a sense, you become whoever the audience thinks you are. "I knew that going in," Hatch responds, "and I believe that to this day." He goes on, of course, to insist that he's not really the way people think, which is probably not so, but whatever. He claims to think "it's great." So he's the voice of reason, all of a sudden.

Jeff turns to Amazon Rob, who was so neglected at the reunion. He says that "as likable as you are in person, you were a villain." Amazon Rob has an enormously nervous, overly smiley, kid-in-a-talent-show look about him throughout this hour that I just don't understand. He looks like he has never had his picture taken before, let alone appeared on television. He stammers that it is, in fact a game, and that it's tough to have people come up and tell you they hate you. He goes on to say that fame has its perks, after all, because before you were a nobody, and now everybody knows who you are. "It's a good thing, Survivor," he finally says firmly. And I think it's safe to say that if your priorities are the same as Amazon Rob's, that's true.

For a fresh taste of everything that's bitter, Jeff goes to Lex, asking him what the effect is on your family when people hate you. Jeff stops short of saying "as they once didn't, but now do, when it comes to you personally, LEX." Apparently, Lex told Jeff earlier in the week that he felt bad that his kids had to see "that," which I guess means his getting booed at the reunion. I suppose not being a dick in the first place was an option that might have spared Lex's kid that experience, not that I would have expected Lex to take that option. Or notice it when it went by. Lex says that there's a "huge impact" on a person's family from all of this, but he starts up the hip-hop crossover hands and explains that "if you've got a really good thing goin' with your family," then that can get you through anything. He says his son is fine. Although undoubtedly growing up with some strange notions of how you play checkers properly. The great thing is that Lex says that you'd know more about him if you met him for sixty seconds than you would from watching him on TV for thirteen weeks. Because in sixty seconds, it would all make sense, even though when he's on television, live and unedited, he consistently makes himself look like an even bigger jackass than he was on the show. Lex, your theory is weak and watery, but thanks for offering it anyway. Lex closes with his happy remarks about being able to go back to his friends and family, all of whom are presumably at peace with his being a self-important prick. Hey, if you can't be a prick to your friends, to whom can you be one?

Jeff says that he has one more thing to bring up, which he calls "the last sensitive topic." Apparently, Jerri has remarked somewhere, and it has gotten back to Jeff, that the only reason she and some others were at the finale and are at this event is because of contractual obligations. Thus, Jeff would like to say they are all free to go if they don't want to be there: "If there's anyone who does not want to be here, we don't want you to be here." Furthermore, he says, if you win the million dollars after you leave, you'll still get your check. "Here's your chance to go if you want to go," he says. "Otherwise, I don't want to hear about it anymore." Jeff, I may kiss you. Seriously. Prepare yourself. Audience: "Wooooo!" Jerri's jaw: "[Lock.]" Pretty much everyone besides Jerri applauds, and unsurprisingly, no one leaves. Because the last thing Jerri wants is to leave quietly and have people stop paying attention to her. She'd have to find another show to go on then. Jeff comments that everyone is staying, and says that we're going to reveal the first person who's in the final four.