Previously on I Guess That's Why They Call It The Snooze: A military escort was necessary to keep the All-Stars safe from the...oh, the Whigs or the Huguenots or the Animal Liberation Front or what have you, as they skimmed across Panama on their way to greener, leafier, and sexier pastures than those that had gone before. It appeared that Big Tom noted that this game was "for the big boys," although he may have noted that it was "furta bibvoys," which I believe is Turkish for "centered on the ancient themes of hypocrisy and borderline starvation." The tribes were briefly stuck without supplies, and they found it very difficult to make fire, as they were by rule not permitted to use the flickering embers of their own celebrity. "Nobody trusts anybody," Boston Rob told us early on.
Themes centered somewhere below the waist included The Usually Futile Effort To Avoid Hatch's Ass, along with the Multi-Stage Young Studmuffins' Dick-Measuring Contest. Surprisingly, Chapera, the winnerless little tribe that could, got off to a roaring start, challenge-wise. Tina took the first boot, but Rudy took the second. And then Jenna M.'s mother got sick, leading to a precipitous drop in the likelihood of female nudity. It rained. Rupert's sand hole flooded. Jerri cried. When Chapera finally made it to tribal council, Boston Rob wasted no time in dispensing with Amazon Rob, undoubtedly the biggest threat to his assorted evil schemes as well as the guy most likely to bust out with "Magic Carpet Ride" on about Day 26 and make everybody want to die. Then Saboga was dissolved, and while it seemed like Ethan might be on the block, Mogo Mogo served up a bit of a shocker by booting Hatch. Sue left under strange and unsettling circumstances; the less said about that, the better. Chapera recovered and ran off the two challenges, relieving Mogo Mogo of the broad shoulders of Colby and Ethan.
Over at Chapera, meanwhile, Rob and Amber started to do a little not-so-covert smooching. But then the tribes were "mixed," which meant essentially that Amber was sent over to Mogo Mogo (which was now Chapera, but that will just be confusing, so forget that part happened). When Mogo Mogo lost the immunity challenge, they more than obviously needed to vote Amber off in order to have a chance, but Lex fell for an offered deal from Rob and decided to vote off Jerri instead, making him quite possibly the biggest sucker in the history of the game. This was followed by the merge, and guess what? Yeah, Lex was the first to go. Which would have been a really heartbreaking scandal had it not been so...well, hilarious. And then Kathy went, and then -- after Shii Ann unexpectedly won immunity -- Alicia went. Shii Ann then finally ran out of luck at last and was eliminated, followed by an unconvincingly "menacing" Big Tom. And then there were four -- Rob, Amber, Rupert, and Jenna. Two pairs of allies, one more episode. And it's a good thing, too, because I am getting a serious headache. Oh, and in other news, the jury deployed a barrage of eye-rolls and tongue clicks to make it very clear that they were going to be the biggest bunch of whiny-ass babies in the history of the game, which they apparently believed was going to make them look noble. They were sadly mistaken.
Oh, and when recapping the very first episode, I said the following: "Elsewhere, as they gather logs, Boston Rob asks Amber if she wants to be in an alliance with him. It does not come with a ring." Thank you. Thank you very much.
Credits. You know, I don't even care who wins; Boston Rob smoked all these fools, and no amount of sniveling on their part is going to change it. So there. I feel better, don't you?
In night vision, a snake slithers around what's left of Chaboga Mogo on Night 36. The group has just returned from voting out Big Tom, and Jenna wonders, "What was that glare as he walked out?" She manages to say it without laughing, which is more than I could have done. Rupert gravely says that Big Tom hates all of them. Rob calmly stares out at the water as he notes that he's well aware that Big Tom lied right to his face repeatedly. Jenna calls the tribal council "honest and hurtful." She then does an interview in which she marvels at the fact that eighteen of the best players came out here, and now there are only four left, and one of them is her. "How'd that happen?" she wonders. If you open your windows, you can almost hear mutterings of agreement from living rooms everywhere. Back around the fire, Rupert picks up a pot and takes it down toward the creek, leaving Jenna to sit with Rob and Amber. Unsurprisingly, they waste no time in telling her that if Rupert doesn't win immunity in the challenge, he's their target. Jenna has no chance to beat Rupert in a final vote anyway, they reason, so she'd be a lot better off going forward with the two of them. "You can take your own destiny in your own hands," says Rob. As did the reality-show contestants of Greek mythology, which is what made them heroes, as we all know. Jenna stares into the fire. Oh, what to do, what to do.
On the morning of Day 37, the group is still pulling itself out of its slumbers when a boat full of Jeff appears on the horizon. He lumbers up onto the beach and, assisted by Rupert, hauls a huge basket up to the group. Amber says that she feared that the challenge was somehow contained in the basket, but of course, when Jeff opens the basket, it's full of goodies. Because this is, if nothing else, the season of abundance. In this case, Jeff comes bearing eggs, bacon, pancake mix, and that sort of thing. I think the Panama Slam is on the menu right under the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity, by the way. (Sadly, I discovered while on an anthropological dig through TWoP's history of "Moons Over My Hammy" jokes, that I already made one, so I was stuck with IHOP. There are apparently a limited number of breakfasts that amuse me.) There is also champagne in the basket, of course, because as anyone who's been to a few Mother's Day brunches can tell you, there's nothing like mimosas to get the ball rolling, in terms of repressed anger. The happy tribe celebrates. Jeff also points out that the basket includes a scrapbook and a Polaroid camera that they can use to take pictures. Amber interviews that breakfast is actually her favorite meal, and as we watch her fellate a strawberry, she calls the meal "huge." The tribe toasts with mimosas. "Good luck, everybody," says Rob. He then interviews that the final four consists, of course, of two pairs of folks. "There's no chance myself and Amber are gonna break," he says. He goes on to speculate that Jenna, however, may decide to break from Rupert if the situation develops that way. Or, he says, "it may come down to a purple rock."
Jenna and Amber go on a water run, and Jenna voices over that she's concerned about the possibility of a tiebreaker. She says that, in the event of a tie, the three people without immunity would all choose rocks out of a bag, and whoever got the loser rock would be booted. "I don't want it to come down to a fricking rock," she says to Amber as they walk in the jungle. Amber interviews that she and Rob knew that the tiebreaker was staring them down, so they "gave [Jenna] the option" of booting Rupert and getting to F3 with them. Jenna tells Amber that going along with this would "get [her] one step closer," which I think is the right call. There have been numerous attempts to figure the probabilities that were confronting Jenna at this point, but ultimately, this gets her into the endurance challenge she knows is coming, and if you're not willing to gamble on your ability to win the endurance challenge, then you don't have the stones for this game in the first place. So I think that's the choice -- to bet on yourself or not. "I'm taking fate in my own hands," she says.
When Jenna and Amber return to camp with water, they find that Rupert and Rob have made pancakes. Jenna claims that she's been craving a pancake, and although I'm sure she has, the whole "I am rapturous over real food" thing just is not that convincing when these people have been given enormous catered meals seemingly every couple of days for the last couple of weeks. And really, I don't want pancake eating to be quite this rife with ecstatic moaning anyway, however heartfelt. Rupert points out that this breakfast is someone's last supper. "Somebody is leaving tonight," he says. "Boy, I hope it's not me." That's okay, Rupert. If it is you, CBS will probably just find another way to hand you a million dollars for doing absolutely nothing of note, being the pandering and gutless suck-ups that they are. I'm just guessing, of course.
We cut to the misty aerial shot that denotes an upcoming challenge, and we eventually land at a giant maze constructed in a clearing. The final four approach the maze, where Jeff takes the immunity necklace back from Rob. Jeff explains that they will all start out in the center of the maze, and they'll each have to make their way out to eight points on the outside of the maze, where they'll retrieve a rung for their ladder, located in the center. The first person to get to all the endpoints, retrieve all his or her rungs, get back to the center, and build the ladder will win immunity. There are also obstacles in certain parts of the maze, like tangles of rope to wade through, or cage-like arrangements of branches to crawl around. I want there to be a bear one of these times. Just tell them there are rope courses and stuff, then when they go down one of the legs of the maze, release a giant black bear. One that hasn't eaten in thirty-nine days. It would be ironic, get it?
The contestants all get set at their spots, and Jeff gives the holler to start. From the middle of the maze, they all take off. Amber is first to get a rung. The rest follow. You know, honestly, there's not that much to say about a challenge like this. They run a pretty close race between the four of them. There's maze running, there's crawling under branches, there's weaving through ropes...it's nothing you couldn't see at the Adventure Games at summer camp. Gorp for everyone! Anyway, late in the game, Rob falters and starts to go in circles, as Amber continues to go full throttle. At the end, it's pretty much down to Amber and Rupert, and while he makes a valiant effort, she beats him. So it's Amber the Universally Underestimated, standing at the top of her tower with immunity. The rest come back to the center, and Amber crawls down and collects the immunity necklace. Sure, sure, it's always the pretty girls who get the really rad jewelry. Jeff reminds the group that somebody will be going home shortly, and then he sends them back to camp.
When we return, it is still Day 37 at Chaboga Mogo. Rob sits on a rock staring out at the water as Amber works away on the scrapbook, the only person with no worries. Jenna and Rupert sit by the fire. "We vote for Rob, and see what happens," he says to her reassuringly. Jenna tells him that they have to talk about that a little bit. He asks her why they would need to talk about it. "They came to me last night," she says, and she goes on to explain the offer she received from Rob and Amber. She tells Rupert that she's given it a lot of thought, and in the end, she decided not to vote with Rob and Amber. Rupert smiles. "I would rather sit there and pick a rock than give them the smug satisfaction of knowing that they're guaranteed a spot," she says. It's weird -- part of me thinks Jenna meant this at the time that she said it, but since she hasn't seemed to hate Rob and Amber enough to justify that comment, it's a little jarring. Furthermore, if that's true, it's stupid of her, because as much as I hate smugness, I don't hate it as much as I like a million dollars. Though it's close.
Rupert earnestly looks at his interviewer. "My fate rests on the honor of a twenty-six-year-old single mama who really, really wants to win badly." Now, when I first heard this comment, it struck me as incredibly galling -- what does the fact that Jenna is a single mother have to do with jack? Read in a certain way, it seems to imply that young single mothers are not to be trusted, and that is certainly very much in line with many of Rupert's condescending attitude toward everyone who isn't him, and specifically with his really obnoxious attitudes about women. However. The second time I watched it, it seemed at least plausible that his reason for bringing up Jenna's status is to link it to how much she wants to win -- in other words, that she's a young single mother and therefore wants or needs the money especially badly, making her more likely to be mercenary about it. I don't know. I think Rupert has shown himself to be enough of an ass to say it and mean it in the first way, but I kind of think that at least consciously, he was thinking of it in the second way. My feelings remain mixed. Either way, it's not resting on anyone's "honor," Rupert -- it's resting on what Jenna thinks is strategically best for her, which is exactly as it should be.
A metaphorical snake crawls across a rock, and we watch Rob ask Jenna how things are going to go, and whether she's made up her mind. She says she hasn't. Rob tells her that he understands that he's obviously biased in telling her what to do, but she has to admit that she can't beat Rupert in the final two, so she might as well get rid of him now. I think Rob's facial hair reaches maximum smarmitude in this scene, by the way -- you can almost hear the buzzers going off and see the red light flashing just off-screen as he sets off the detectors. Jenna responds that if that's the case, then it might be just as good for her to gamble on the rock in the hopes that it would get Rob out -- I think she means that getting rid of Rob would give her a better shot at the ultimate immunity, in which case she could choose to take Amber instead of Rupert and control the F2 herself. Rob tries to convince her that none of them has a chance of beating Rupert in an F2 situation, so they might as well boot him. She isn't so sure. She interviews that she doesn't want to let Rob push her around, but that there's some truth in what he says, and she expresses the opinion that if she could get to F3 and win the final challenge, she'd win, because she believes she could beat either Rob or Amber. See? Jenna understands what a bunch of babies are on the jury, because she knows they don't like her that much, but she also knows that they'll never forgive Rob for kicking their asses.
Rob and Amber go for a walk on the beach, and she admonishes him not to be sad. Easy for her to say. He tells her, as we are treated to a close-up of their clasped hands, that he can't control the situation anymore, so he's just going to relax and not worry about it. Or, rather, he's going to try to do that. And it's working like a charm, because he's practically twitching with relaxation. They sit on a rock together, and he tells her that if he goes tonight, she'd better win. Heh. She tells him no, she wants him to be there at the end as well. "I'm a little bit scared," he tells her. "A little bit." They caption this last part, in case you missed it, because apparently, Rob admitting fear is considered a plot point so significant that it can't be allowed to pass you by.
As Jenna and Rupert enjoy a hearty snack, Rupert says to Jenna, "Thank you for saving me." She can't stand all the earnestness, though, and tells him that frankly, it's all still up in the air. Rupert interviews that he doesn't see Jenna voting against him, and he doesn't want to vote against Jenna. Of course, that's not an option that's been presented, so that's awfully easy for him to say. "She's just a little paranoid, you gotta let her alone," he says dismissively. "She's just a young girl," he says. So...yeah, that was the point I was making previously. He's proven himself repeatedly to be a condescending, sexist jackass either way, whether you give him the benefit of the doubt on "single mama" in particular or not. Anyway, he says that he believes Jenna will write Rob's name down when it comes right down to it. Jenna explains to Rupert back at camp that she started the game with the intention of not allowing her emotions to get in the way of her strategy, and wonders if he was the same. He tells her that his emotions control everything he does, and that he can't help it, because that's just who he is. I want to play poker with Rupert. His emotions will make him go, "RRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHR!" when he gets a good hand. I think I could beat him.
Rob interviews that Rupert is "very smart," and that he suspects that Rupert is actually in the process of guilting Jenna into keeping him around. And I completely agree that this is exactly what Rupert is trying to do. ["Which makes him manipulative, not smart, but whatever." -- Wing Chun] It's kind of shocking that Rupert can be so silly as not to recall that when Shii Ann was maneuvering to save herself, he specifically agreed to boot Jenna. He did it on camera. He said that if Shii Ann could rally people to vote off Jenna, that would be "beautiful." That was his word, as I recall -- "beautiful." And no, I do not think he was playing Shii Ann. Considering his "I'm very sorry I have an alliance with her" comments about Jenna earlier in that same episode, I don't have any doubt that he fully intended to vote Jenna off if he were confident it would work. So the guilt he's throwing at Jenna now is just game play. It's got nothing to do with honor, and it's got nothing to do with friendship. It's just trying to get the million dollars, and if he would only admit that that's what he's doing, it wouldn't be so maddening. He wants the money! It's not so wrong to want the money! It's just wrong to say that everybody else wants the money and that you just want kittens to live forever. Anyway, Jenna interviews that she doesn't know what to do.
Tribal council. Jeff brings in the jury. Big Tom is wearing overalls and no shirt. So that's sexy, as you can imagine. Jeff opens by talking about the last tribal council, which seems kind of unfair, as far as I'm concerned, in that it basically reopens the grievances of people who have been voted off. Jeff asks Jenna whether she noticed the strong jury reaction to Big Tom's booting. Jenna says she did, and she says that, of course, that made her think. She points out that these are people who have been voted out, and that "facing them is traumatic." Alicia gives the enormous, disgusted eye-roll. And I'll give her that "traumatic" is a bit of silly hyperbole, but still? Shut up, Alicia's rolling eyes. You've got nothing to be particularly proud of, either. Jeff attacks Rob for "betraying" Big Tom in the final five, which...again, I kind of wish he hadn't done, because it really does smell like interference. I don't like Jeff making judgments on what people have done, particularly -- like I said -- when it involves bringing up by proxy the beefs of the departed. Rob's response is, "There's two sides to every story, and I say that with one hundred percent conviction." And it's not clear yet what that means either. But it will be later.
Jeff turns to Amber and tells her to "make the argument" that the jury shouldn't be bitter over being voted out, because it's part of the game. Good grief, Jeff, Larry King asks tougher questions than that right before he starts licking some famous person's neck. Amber's response is to recall that she had an alliance in Australia also, and that she was betrayed by it, but that in the end, she voted for the person she thought stabbed her in the back, because she admitted that she was outplayed. I think Amber expects far too much from this jury, because they are certainly not going to be doing that. Jeff says it seems to him that with each tribal council, the "emotional wear and tear" seems to become more pronounced. He asks Rupert about the fact that he and Jenna have been "pretty tight," and that Rob and Amber have been "pretty tight," so now it's down to just the four of them. Rupert says that the day was "very high and very low." Jeff asks Jenna whether this means what it appears to -- that Rupert is on the block unless there's a tie. She confirms it, saying that it's tough, because she genuinely feels that she has "a bond" with Rupert, but that it's also a game in which she wants to get as far as she can. Jeff asks Rupert how he feels about all this -- because he just hasn't had quite enough of an opportunity to talk yet -- and he says that he wants himself and Jenna to "stand strong" and "force the rock issue." Wow, that's really brave of him. It's remarkable how it always just so happens that other people playing the right and honorable way always makes it more likely that Rupert will win. In Rupert's mind, I think honor is actually a little guy in a cape and tights, running around waving a "Go Rupert" sign.
Rupert goes to vote. He votes for Rob. "I don't know what else to say; I hope we both have two votes, and I hope we go into a tie." ["The fact that he wants there to be a tie in which someone who doesn't get any votes could go proves exactly why he never could and never should win this game." -- Wing Chun] Rob votes for Rupert. "You're a gentleman, buddy. It's been a pleasure playing the game with you. I hope it's you tonight and not me." Amber votes. Jenna walks up to vote, and seriously does seem to be waffling even as she holds her pen over the paper.
This is how I see Jenna's choice: Jenna has exactly one way to win, and that is to make it to F2 with either Rob or Amber and hope the jury is really bitter and petty. And because Rob and Amber will take each other if it comes to that, this requires her to win the final immunity challenge. Therefore, Jenna cannot win the game without winning the final immunity challenge anyway. While her chances of beating Rupert and Amber in that challenge might be marginally better than her chances of beating Rob and Amber, I don't think they are so much better that it justifies taking a one-third risk of being eliminated at this stage. In other words, Jenna's got to bet on herself at the F3 challenge, so once she's done that math, there's no benefit in risking the rock. To the degree that she hurts herself with the jury by booting Rupert, she's going to have to do that at F3 anyway if she wants to win. If Rob goes now and Jenna wins F3, she'd have to take Amber instead of Rupert if she wants to have a chance, so she's still going to have the Rupert-booting to contend with. It just makes no sense to me for her to risk the rock at this point, and I don't think it's even a very close decision. Finally, she votes.
The first vote goes to Rob. Second to Rupert. Third to Rupert. And...fourth to Rupert. So Jenna did the only sensible thing and put herself into F3. Rupert gets up. Jenna looks unhappily at the ground. Rupert shakes Rob's hand. He shakes Jenna's hand, and then she hops up to give him a hug. "It's part of the game," he mutters to her. And he'll be sticking with that attitude for about three minutes. Alicia makes a face, because...well, never mind. If you try to figure out why Alicia makes faces during this episode, you will have no time for anything else. Amber kisses Rupert's hand. And then, I dearly hope, she goes and takes a big drink from a gallon jug of hand sanitizer. Rupert's torch is snuffed. SNUFF. Bug off, jackass. I've had enough of you. In fact, I've had too much of you. Jeff tells the last three that they've all survived another vote, and that they can go back to camp.
Rupert's parting words are predictably silly. "I am a little angry at Jenna. Greed won out over friendship. Almost disgusted me. There's not one person in this game that can say I lied to them, that I played conniving. I did my best; I honestly had a very, very good experience with Survivor All-Stars." Wow. So greed won out over friendship, huh? This from a guy who stared into a camera and called this "young girl" a "pain in the ass." Apparently, their friendship was so abiding that she should have screwed herself to protect him, even though he was plotting to boot her not a week before this happened. Oy. Even the thoroughly obnoxious Lex doesn't have quite Rupert's head-shaking, disappointed-daddy way of acting like other people's failure to be as noble and perfect as he is just breaks his big, fuzzy heart. Bleh. Go. Away.
Later, the moon hangs over night-vision camp as Rob, Amber, and Jenna ponder their fates. Jenna tells them that as much as she loves Rupert, she ultimately wasn't able to gamble on rocks drawn out of a bag. ["Yes! Because she's sensible! And because the person who goes should be the person who gets voted out by his or her teammates, not just someone who has bad luck in lotteries! That's exactly why there hasn't been a tie in this game since the rock bag turned into the tiebreaker, Rupert! Good lord." -- Wing Chun] Rob tells Jenna that he respects the fact that she made the decision on her own, whatever it was. Of course, as is always the case when people praise a decision "whatever it was," the decision happened to go the way he wanted. Pure coincidence, obviously. Apparently, it's early in the morning as opposed to late at night, because here comes Boatload-O-Jeff again. He comes up on the beach and asks them what they're all doing up already. They tell him that, as the F3, they find sleeping a little difficult. Jeff tells them that in keeping with the overblown quasi-ceremonial quality that always accompanies the end of the season, this will be a big day. They will get in a canoe and follow a map to an area where there are body paints and jewelry used by a tribe of Indians. They'll get all dolled up, and then they'll take off on the Walk of Dead Survivors, which is always a highlight, provided you like pretend respect. ["I call this moment 'Snack Time.'" -- Wing Chun]
The Canoe of Destiny carries the final three through the sunrise to the little stand of makeup and jewelry. As quasi-tribal music plays, the three of them put on their bracelets and necklaces and such. They paint themselves and tie on the sarongs and moon over how pretty they look. It's kind of like a bunch of girls getting ready for the eighth-grade dance. And then, it is time, indeed, for the Walk of Dead Survivors. First, Tina. None of them has anything to say about her. Or at least anything nice. We see her interview that she did it again because Survivor is "part of [her] being," frighteningly enough. I don't even want to know where it's attached. "Seventy-five years old," Rob mutters as they pass Rudy's torch. "If I were military, I'd salute you," Jenna says. She is a giant cheeseball. Rudy interviews that he was three years slower this time, and that there was lots of "cutthroat." Apparently, he was expecting more hugs, like there were in the Navy. Jenna Morasca tells us that she's already played and already won, and that she "fought through as much as [she] could." I'm not sure what the relevance of the fact that she's already won would be, but it's probably better for me not to think about it too hard.
Amber, Rob, and Jenna all laugh at Rob C.'s torch as he interviews that he feels kinda crappy about going out early, but suspects he was "a victim of [his] own success." Partly true. I think he's also something of a victim of his personality when he doesn't keep it carefully in check, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy buying him a beer, because I totally would. ["Huh. That is not what I would have expected." -- Wing Chun] We proceed to Hatch, who voices over that the game was much harder this time around than the first time. Sue refers to herself as "exempt from any energy or any emotion" in the game. And no, I don't know what she meant to say, exactly, but it wasn't "exempt," certainly, unless there's some kind of federal Energy and Emotion Program from which she received a waiver. Colby tells us that he "found patience." Well, that's good. He's still so pretty. Ethan says that the fact that he actually received votes -- which he reminds us he didn't in Australia -- was hard for him. He would be relieved, probably, to know that while it was hard for him, it was really fun for some of us. As they get to Jerri's torch, Amber says, "The reason why I'm out here is the reason why she's gone. Thanks, Jerri." Jerri says that she wasn't sure why she wanted to go through it again, but that it didn't break her. You'd think she was getting all healthy about it, wouldn't you? Yeah. Stay tuned.
Lex, of course, explains that his only mistake was in being someone's friend and being too nice, blah blah blah. He says he "allow[ed] a little too much compassion to show through." Sigh. Now take careful note of that -- if he were really upset about the friendship and not the game, then he would have said that he didn't make a mistake -- he would have said that he was proud of what he did, that he did the right thing, and that he'd do it again. This, on the other hand, says that he regrets losing the game by respecting the friendship, which is exactly what he is now saying Rob should have done. Lex really needs to narrow it down to at least one theory if he wants to keep this up. Which frankly, I sure wish he wouldn't.
Kathy says she relies on "trust and loyalty." She says that she may just be too good a person to win. Seriously, that's approximately what she says. Alicia says that this time, she tried to be less pushy and "eased back" in the challenges (heh, sure), which got her six days further. Shii Ann congratulates herself for lasting longer than Hatch, basically. She says that her loss came down to "bad luck with the numbers," which is BS, of course, but then, it is Shii Ann, after all. Big Tom says he didn't consider himself an All-Star, but that he's proud to be in the group. Amber says that she considers playing with Rupert "a huge honor." At the mention of the word "honor," a duck on a string falls from the sky. Rupert says that he came on the show "to take care of [him]self and everyone around [him], and [he] did." ["And why not, since it worked out so well for him the last time, not." -- Wing Chun] They replay his package-bouncing shot, and I just really didn't need to see that again. Anyway, thanks, Dead Survivors!
Amber says that walking past everyone's torches made her both proud and guilty. That's how I feel every time a recap posts, by the way. She calls herself "scared and nervous" about the ending to come.
It's time for the final immunity challenge. The final three approach a round pool where Jeff awaits. He explains that this predictable endurance challenge involves standing barefoot with one foot on each of two posts and one hand on the immunity idol. ["We've seen this before, a loooong time ago." -- Wing Chun] Can't touch the idol with your other hand. Can't take either foot off of its post. Last one standing wins immunity. They take their positions and...they're off. One of Rob's arms appears to be twitching early on, which is a little odd. The sun beats down. Thirty minutes in, Jeff notes that it's hot and not breezy. Rob tries to banter a little to break the monotony and suffering. One hour in, Jenna is asked what hurts the most, and she says she's just trying to find ways to shift positions without taking her foot off the post. How long can she go? Jeff wonders. "However long these two go," she says. "One minute after that." A bit later, she says, "I have a cramp," and laughs nervously. "Jenna has a cramp," Rob play-by-plays, doing his best Jeff imitation. Jenna massages her leg.
The cramp does not do Jenna in, however, because two hours into the game, they're all still there. Jeff notes that it is 108 degrees out. Jenna goes to shift her foot, and as she tries to slide it forward so that her heel instead of the ball of her foot is on the post, it momentarily pops about a half-inch off the post. Jeff catches her, and throws her out. You know, he's right, she did lift her foot. My problem with it, though, is that it's so extraordinarily minor that I'm not confident that everybody might not have done something similar at one point or another. It just seems like it would be purely fortuitous that Jeff would see it, you know? It's not unfair, but I can see how she thinks it sucks. I will also tell you that although I think this show doesn't set out to screw with the outcomes, I have absolutely zero doubt that they did not hope Jenna won this challenge. They wanted, I am certain, the Rob/Amber F2, not to mention the drama of one of them having to choose whether or not to take the other. So while I'm not suggesting that Jenna was intentionally hosed, I do suspect that she might have been watched a little more closely than the other two, because Jeff's not even going to see that unless he is sort of fixating on Jenna's foot at the moment it happens. Not a conspiracy theory, and not unfair, like I said, but I feel bad for her.
So...this is interesting. Boston Rob and Amber are the final two in the final challenge. In theory, either could give it to the other, right? Right? That should happen. One of them should just step down. No point in wearing yourself out. But...he doesn't. And...she doesn't. She tries to argue that he should give it to her, because he's had immunity a million times. Which...just, no, dear. Especially since you had it last. For a minute, Rob looks like he might give her immunity, but then they go back to talking about "I'm going to take you no matter what," and while they both say it...nobody quits. "Let's fight it out all the way," Rob finally says. "Damn you," Amber chuckles. Jeff tries to get to the bottom of why they're not able to reach a deal, and Rob says that throughout the entire game, they've given their all in every situation, and it doesn't seem right to stop at this point. He tells Jeff that they've never talked about what they'd do in this circumstance, and Amber warily protests that in fact, they did, although he might not remember it. Rob continues to have no recollection of this. He finally ends the conversation by saying that he's sure she wouldn't want him to hand it to her -- "You'd want to beat me," he smiles. "I just want to win, honestly," she says. "Well, you're gonna have to beat me, then," he says, and smiles at her mischievously.
Three hours in, the dramatic sun glare is worse than ever. Rob crouches down to change his position a little, and he says, "This is nice." Amber says she thought about doing that, but she doesn't think she can reach the idol. "You can reach," he assures her. As she goes to demonstrate that she can indeed reach, she -- you got it -- touches the idol with her other hand. I don't know that Rob specifically knew she was going to lose in that particular way, but I certainly believe that he was trying to throw off her concentration, knowing that any time you can get somebody to change her position or do anything or respond to anything you're saying, you have a chance that she'll screw up. These endurance challenges are often about concentration as much as endurance, so I give Rob full credit for taking her out of the Zen state in which you have to remain during one of those things. So it's Mariano with immunity going into the final tribal council, and he'll be picking the other person for F2. Amber and Jenna both give him hugs, and I think Jenna knows she was gambling on that challenge, and without that win, it ain't happening.
Back at camp, Rob swims as Jenna talks to Amber about how much she regrets blowing the challenge after taking the big gamble at yesterday's tribal council. "I lifted my damn foot," she laments. She interviews that she blew a million dollars, because had she gone to the end with Boston Rob, she would have won. I'm not sure whether that's true, but she certainly believes it. "It all comes down to me lifting my foot up," she says with frustration. "My daughters are going to be very proud," she adds sarcastically. Well, Jenna, I'd like to think your daughters aren't going to judge you on the basis of whether you moved your foot, you being their mother and everything. Hopefully, they do have a little more to go on. If my mother lost a million dollars by moving her foot, I wouldn't be any less proud of her. I would make fun of her for the rest of her life, but I wouldn't be less proud of her. Jenna goes on to say that Boston Rob will bring Amber to F2, which she claims might not be the best move, but...she just said she herself would beat Rob in an F2, so I'm not sure how that works. "He's giving his girlfriend a million dollars," she laughs. "Pretty good boyfriend."
As Rob and Amber walk, she makes it clear that she doesn't really feel sure that he's going to take her to F2. "Are you serious?" he asks. "It's not that I don't believe you," she says, even though it's exactly that she doesn't believe him. She insists that in her position, he would also be nervous. He tells her not to worry; he's taking her. No matter what. It's fine. She interviews that she's "ninety-nine percent sure" that this is true, but that she has seen him break his word after all. "Clean up the attitude, will ya?" he says as they part. Oh, don't talk like that just because your feelings are hurt, Rob. "Clean up the attitude" is for the JV wrestling coach to use on some snot-nosed ninth-grader. Not appropriate girlfriend talk. A nest of spiders squirms as we cut to Rob sitting by himself on a beach. He interviews that it has occurred to him here at the end that his way of playing the game may or may not ultimately pay off. He's not sure he's making good decisions, not sure he's using sound judgment...and he knows Amber rode her alliance with him the entire way. Which, as I've said before, really isn't possible in this game. Rob would be nowhere without Amber, either -- but it's true that because of his personality, she was able to go through largely without offending anyone, and it would be a legitimate decision at this point not to take her on that basis. Although, as he acknowledges , if he doesn't take her, he's going to look even worse -- "like a complete ass" -- for dumping his girlfriend. Rob then reaches the crux of the matter: "I don't know if I can or cannot win against either one of them." There you go, buddy. There's your problem. He says he's still thinking, and that he's going to make the decision he thinks is best for him, not the one that's based on an alliance or on "morals." "What would you do for a million dollars?" he asks rhetorically. I'm sure the guys in editing are really grateful that he actually gave them that line to go out on.
Final tribal council. (Well, the final one with an elimination.) Jeff brings in the jury. He recalls with the F3 their final day on the island. He asks Jenna what happened in the challenge. She's all, "You tell me, dude, you're the one who said my foot moved." Heh. Jeff agrees that it was "very subtle." Yeah, I'll say. He asks her if that was frustrating, and she says yes, in that she'd rather it had come down to her at least falling off or doing something like that, rather than shifting her foot in a way she didn't even realize she was doing. She's pretty good-natured about it, though, all things considered.
Jeff asks about the curious fact that when it was just the two of them, Rob and Amber weren't able to reach a deal. He asks whether there's a trust issue. Amber says that obviously, she would rather go into the final round knowing that she's in control. Rob says that of course, he also wondered whether there was a chance Amber might turn on him. Jeff reminds Rob that he now faces a big decision: it's time to decide whom he wants to face in the final two. Rob says openly that he doesn't know that he has a chance at winning against either of them. Jeff asks Jenna how surprised she'll be if she goes to F2. She says it would be "the biggest shock of [her] life." But she really believes Rob and Amber are "airtight." She says, showing great mastery of the obvious, that "it's a lot [sic] romantic as it is strategic." She adds that she thinks Rob is pretty nervous about facing Amber in a final two situation. Jeff asks Amber how she feels about that, and she diplomatically/blandly replies that she thinks Rob has thought through all of the decisions up to this point, and that he'll likely think through this one as well. She insists, though, that if it were her, "there is no decision to be made." Jeff asks whether this means she can separate personal and game stuff, and she says she can. I don't see how it really would mean that, but Amber gamely agrees, because gamely agreeing is what Amber does. Jeff asks Rob if he can keep those separate, and he insists that he can, too.
Time for Rob to go vote. And vote he does. Jeff goes to "get the vote." I guess when there's only one, he no longer claims the need to tally. He opens the vat, and obviously, the person voted out is Miss Jenna. She grins, hugs Amber, and turns around and hugs Rob. She keeps up her game face as she goes up and gets snuffed, and Rob and Amber both throw her a wave as she goes. Jeff congratulates Rob and Amber on reaching the final. In her final words, Jenna says she's proud of how she did and how far she came, but that she's "going to relive that stupid foot move for the rest of [her] life." Hee. I will tell you this about Miss Jenna: Wanted. To. Win. And I give her credit for that.
We return on the last night, where the moon hangs in the sky, coaxing Rob and Amber to Do It For Mark Burnett. As they make their way back to camp, Amber talks rapturously about how great it's been to spend all this time with a guy who makes her feel "happy," but also "completely safe." She certainly is all about the safety thing, it would appear. She also talks about how Rob makes her feel "important" and "proud of [her]self." I wonder whether he has any actual, you know, qualities that she enjoys, or whether it's all just about how safe and important he makes her feel. Because for that, you could just get a sycophantic security guard, really. On the beach in night vision, Rob and Amber snuggle. She's grating on me more and more, I must say. She talks in an interview about how she and Rob started out in an alliance, and that there was strategic flirting, and that now there are feeeeelings and everything. Their relationship is just like Pinocchio, now it's a real live boy, blah blah blah. "I'm so glad that that was my strategy in the beginning," she says, "because, look what I ended up with." Interestingly enough, she's trying to be all endearing, and I kind of want to punch her in the face.
As they sit, Rob tells Amber that they've gotten themselves as far as they could, and now it's up to the jury. They drink from coconuts. He interviews that the two of them have successfully been a team, even when they were separated. "In a game where trust is fleeting, to have a partnership with someone -- an alliance with someone that you can trust? That's huge." He happily tells Amber at the fire that everyone who thought they were just flirting and fooling around never saw it coming that they were playing the game, too -- and as much as I kinda dig him, I think he's wrong. I think everybody knew they were playing. They just didn't do anything because they continually told themselves there was still time. Rob says, sadly prophetically, "They're all going to hate us."
The morning, Rob and Amber take pictures of themselves. "You look dirty," she says as she looks at one of the pictures. Bomp-chicka...never mind. She says it's a huge relief to be done with the game and the scheming, and now they're sitting back and relaxing. They sit on a big rock together, sort of all half-entwined. "I'm completely at peace right now, you know that?" he says. "Me too," she agrees. "I feel one hundred percent relaxed." They take some more pictures, and she interviews that they're "taking in every last moment." Yes, yes, we get it. You loooove each other. You. Him. A million babies. I got it. He goes into the water and retrieves a fish after consulting with her about which kind of fish she likes better. As he cleans the fish, Rob interviews, "I don't know how I ever made it without Rupert out he-ah. Who would've known I could actually fish and clean 'em and cook 'em and fend for myself?" In a separate interview, Rob demonstrates that he is not quite the doofus he sometimes appears to be by pointing out that he has repeatedly compared the game to Darwin's principle of "survival of the fittest." And admittedly, it's not so significant that he can bust out that particular sound bite, but then he says, "The species that's best able to adapt to certain situations will outlive the others." And that's a better explanation than your average doofus would be capable of, I would maintain. He says that as a team, he and Amber were "most able to adapt" to what came up. Amber interviews that of course, the jury conversation that night will be very important, and she really hopes they won't make her say why they should pick her over Rob. Oh, suck it up, dear. I think you can manage. Rob interviews that this time, the jury is made up of people who know him, and he's pretty sure that some of them took the game "very, very personal [sic]." He adds that "that's their own frickin' problem," which is true in the sense that it makes them idiots, but false in the sense that if you don't win, you don't win, so it kind of is your problem. That's the thing about this game -- it often puts your fate in the hands of a bunch of jealous brats, and how much you want to indulge their shit so they'll vote for you is probably one of the few things about it that legitimately does involve your character.
Rob and Amber cuddle in the shelter in the rain, and he voices over that he feels that he did the whole "outwit, outplay, outlast" thing, so he's happy with how he did: "The feeling that I have inside me right now is worth the sleep deprivation, the lack of food, the suffering, the highs, the lows of the game...it's worth everything." Amber says that it's sort of perfect that the day is ending with all this rain and misery when they're getting ready for what's sure to be a difficult experience at tribal council. Amber says that the jury vibe is likely to be "pretty cold," adding, "I don't think they're going to make this easy for us at all." She finishes: "I think the jury would love to see Rob and I [sic] squirm." Rob says that he feels slightly sad, but very happy with how he did. He says he gave 110% every day, and that he's proud to be in the final two with Amber. "I'm proud of the way I played, and I have no regrets," he says. And then he adds that the bugs are still biting. Heh.
Tribal council. Jeff welcomes Rob and Amber, who take their seats. The jury is brought in. First up, they'll both get to make a statement, and then the jury will get to address them.
Rob starts with the fact that the thirty-nine days have been long and emotional. He says he knows that they're all undoubtedly "pissed off to be over there." As he talks, Alicia stares at him with a particularly hysterical, cat's-butt-mouthed sneer. She also spends this entire tribal council with her chest thrust forward in this very bizarre fashion, like she's got a stun gun pointed at her lower back or something. Anyway, Rob addresses the "situation" after the merge where he "made a promise to someone that [he] wasn't able to keep because of promises [he] made to some other people. In the end," he says, "that's where everything started to go south for [him]." He says he understands that things he did to the jury come back to haunt him, but that he hopes they'll try to keep in mind the way he played, and that he tried to do well for his team as well as himself. Especially, I would add, those parts of his team with smokin' asses.
Over to you, Amber. She opens with "Hi, guys." Brilliant! She blathers for a while about how different it is to play with people she knows, and she assures them that she certainly didn't originally intend to walk away with a boyfriend. She says that the reason she's sitting in the position she is comes down to "luck, all of [them] for not voting [her] off, and because of [her] alliance with Rob." She says she understands there are "sore feelings" on the jury, and that she's "satisfied" with what's come out of the game so far. Yeah...I'll give her some sore feelings.
And now, it's time for the jury to ask questions. Fasten your seatbelts and strap on your hip waders, people, because you're going to need them.
The first person to speak is, unfortunately, Lex. He and his Mohawk get up and say the following, which you really have to experience in its entirety, just on the off-chance that you missed it: "It's just a game. That's something we've probably all said a thousand times while we were out here. And I'm sure that for both of you, it was an excuse that helped wash away the guilt as you played the game the way that you played it. You know what? That phrase, 'it's just a game'? It's a big lie. It's not just a game." He turns to the rest of the jury, as if representing them. "For all of us out here, for all of you, it's life. And the line between game and life is not cut and dried. Life blurs into the game constantly. This game exposes who we are as people to the core. It's like truth serum. And I think the way you play this game is representative of the kind of person you are. The hardest lesson I learned out here was about friendship and betrayal. And I think the true measure of a man is what kind of friend he is. What kind of a friend are you, Rob? What kind of a friend were you to me? You asked me to do you a favor. Bro to bro. Friend to friend. And I did the only thing I could do, and that was to answer the call of a friend in need. You repaid that by putting a knife in my back." Here, Lex adopts a look of phony resignation. "As far as this game's concerned, I lost, and you both beat me. No sour grapes [sic], no bitterness [sic]. With all sincerity [sic], I congratulate both of you [sic] for making it to the final two. But as I see it, as good as your game was, you sold out your values, you sold out your character, and you sold out your friends for a stack of greenbacks. I hope it was worth it, because that money will never be enough to buy it all back."
Congratulations, Lex. You are officially the biggest hypocritical dipshit in the history of reality television. You are more hypocritical than Rupert, you are more of a dipshit than Wil, and you are a more pitiful excuse for a competitor than Flo. Do you hear how many things in that speech make absolutely no sense? As Rob said himself right after all that happened, if Lex didn't help Rob as a strategy but instead helped him as a friend, then he would not have expected anything from Rob except personal, friend-to-friend gratitude, which Rob offered him. Rob could just as easily turn around and say the favor was done outside the game as Lex can claim that it was requested outside the game. If Lex expected a game-related payoff, then Lex did it for game-related reasons. It's right there in black and white. A favor that's done "bro to bro" (ack) is not done in exchange for anything. And let's ask Ethan about the stack of greenbacks and the selling out, while we're at it. Who said "it's business"? Who said it's not personal? Who said people just have to understand? Lex, Lex, and Lex, in case you're keeping score at home. The game exposes who you are? Yeah, it does. Either you value your friendships enough to keep them clear of the game, or you end them over the fact that you were denied your shot at the money. You know who sold out the friendship? Lex. Not Rob. Lex. Rob offered a deal, which he broke. Deals have been broken on Survivor since time immemorial, and nobody ever likes it, but it's most certainly part of the game. Lex, on the other hand, tried to cash in the personal relationship by boo-hooing all over Rob in order to get what? To get kept in the game. To get his shot at the money. In short? Get your own ass out of fishnets before you start trying to preach to the whores.
And also, "greenbacks"? Thanks, Mugsy.
Kathy goes . She says to Rob that when he was done with Marquesas, he expressed a lot of concern about how he would be perceived. She asks him, in light of the way he treated his friends, whether he's concerned about that now. "Yeah," he says simply. "I'm concerned about it." He tells her that, quite honestly, he's still reeling from Lex's little speech there. "Here's the thing, Kat," he says. "Looking back, I'm not one hundred percent sure how I feel about the game anymore. I mean, somewhere along the way, I got caught up with playing people against each other and doing whatever I had to do to get to the end." Eck. I was disappointed that he did this. This came across to me like giving in to a lot of shit he didn't need to give in to. ["I thought he was just pretending to be contrite to win over any jury members who might still be fence-sitting." -- Wing Chun] Rob tells Kathy that, looking back, he sees it "a different way." He assures her that he didn't intentionally come out to ruin friendships, and that he's not malicious, and that he didn't intend to hurt anybody. Kathy turns to Amber and asks whether Amber played Rob as a "patsy." She demands to know whether Amber will be continuing her relationship with Rob if she wins. "And it can't be a gray area," Kathy demands. "It has to be yes or no." So in other words, Amber isn't allowed to say anything other than yes, she will definitely stay with him, or no, she definitely won't. Which is patently ridiculous, and just shows how desperately Kathy is trying to achieve relevance by beating people up just because she can. Amber says that she certainly hopes to continue her relationship with Rob. She admits that it started as strategy, but that she has genuine feelings for him. Again, she mentions the "security" and "support" things.
Kathy thanks Amber for saying yes or no, and then she's all got her hands on her head like it's just so tiresome being the only person who has any sense. She tells Rob, "You just need to know, I was crushed...You were like a kid to me -- son. And I was crushed that you didn't address what we had." She goes on to swear that she understood about being outnumbered, but says that all she wanted was the respect of Rob's taking into account something something...she's not making any sense and needs to sit down. "I can't imagine any game in the world where you can check your friendships at the door," she says. I can name some. Poker. Chess. Checkers. Hockey. Baseball. Chutes and Ladders. Trivial Pursuit. That card game that my mother likes (and always beats me at) where you have to draw your train tracks and then carry the load of sheep from Billings to Nashville or whatever the hell it is you do. (No board game should have "Bauxite" in it. I'm just saying.) In short, Kathy, you can check your friendships at the door in any game. You can play your friends at cards, at sports, at -- well, yes, at anything. And you can play hard, and they can play hard, and you can try your hardest to beat them. That's actually the norm for many, many people. Try as you might, you just can't come away with the high ground in this particular circumstance. "In fifteen minutes, you made an alliance, and you ruined friendships that took two years to build." See? She just said it again, just as Lex did. They are not pissed that Rob betrayed their friendship. They are pissed that Rob did not flip on Chapera and join them, and you know what? I don't think the thing with Amber being saved really has a hell of a lot to do with it. Had they merged a week earlier at six-four when they still had Jerri, and had Rob kept Big Tom with him and voted out Lex and Kathy and the other Mogo Mogos, I believe Lex and Kathy would have been just as mad. They simply expected him to ditch his other alliances for them and save their outnumbered asses. I believe it was as simple as that, and this is just kind of a convenient excuse to make it into something it's not. And that is not even getting into how much Kathy is dragging me into her core of whining.
Anyway, Kathy whimpers for a while longer about how Rob took advantage of his friends, and blah dee blah. "I think you could have taken a parallel course," she weeps. "Where these people wouldn't have been left...in carnage." Yes. Kathy said "carnage." And why are they in carnage? Because they didn't win. And if only Rob had taken a different path, other people (Jenna and Rupert, for instance) would have been in carnage, which, according to the Kathyworld Guide to Morality, would have been much, much better. She stresses that Rob had another path. On which, I guess, he could have gone to the final two with Kathy AND Lex. Hmm. I sense a flaw in that plan. Where is it, where is it...? Finally, Kathy shuts up, and not a moment too soon.
Rupert gets up and says, "That's an emotional one to follow." According to post-game gossip, they gave these speeches in order of their booting, so Rupert is actually talking about Big Tom's speech, which isn't surprising. He starts off with a surprisingly human comment -- relatively speaking -- in which he congratulates Rob and Amber on their victory and thanks them for carrying his hairy ass to the F4. He asks Amber why she should get his vote. Amber says that she played as hard as she could, taking advantage of her second shot as well as she could. Rupert directs the same question to Rob -- why should Rupert vote for him? "Because you're a man of your word," Rob says with a grin. "That's why you should give me your vote." Yep, played that one right. The only answer to that question from Rupert is, "Because you, oh great one, are such a wonderful person." Of course, Rupert laughs the Animal-the-Muppet laugh, and the bile rises in my throat.
Alicia is the to go. Finally, she can stand up so she doesn't have to perch her boobs in that weird way. She proceeds to give Rob and Amber a lecture about "the lowest standard of play," which, according to her, is "butt-kissing and ego-stroking." Pure, unadulterated jealousy pours out of Alicia's mouth as she complains that Rob and Amber were just giant butt-kissers, like, who had a fucking alliance with them, dear? You did. As many before her have done, Alicia is using her questioning of the jury to explain why she was too good a person to make it to the final two. It's the "I wouldn't have done what you did to win anyway," known to eight-year-olds everywhere as, "Well, I let you win." As it turns out, Alicia was just disgusted by the sucking up and so forth. "Now, you may have outwitted us, outplayed us, and outlasted us, but you have not outclassed us," she declares. Well...now they have, dummy. ["Also, I didn't see 'outclass' on any banners, so who gives a shit?" -- Wing Chun] Alicia says that she's going to ask her question, and that she wants a one-word answer. How do they think they played the game. "Competitively," Rob says. "With luck," Amber says, and that's...not one word, sweetie, but you came closer than I thought you would without counting on your fingers.
And now, Shii Ann. Now this is some butt-kissing. Shii Ann opens with the talk of hurt feelings and such, but she says that, among other things, "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." She directs this fairly obviously at Lex. "I feel like all is fair in love and war and Survivor." And I never, ever, ever expected to hear myself say this, but...word, Shii Ann. She says she really hasn't decided whom she's voting for yet, but she wants them to answer this question: what are three reasons that the person who is not you should win the money? Hmm. She starts with Rob. He talks first about what a "true partner" Amber was, second about how steady she's been, and third about the fact that she was a great supporter of the alliance. "I would not be here right now if it were not for her," he says emphatically. Shii Ann turns to Amber. Amber says that, first off, Rob ruled the challenges. Second, he was trustworthy and dependable for her as well. Third...well, third is pretty much a repeat of second, where Rob was dependable and faithful to her. Amber is foiled by math in these questions. Fortunately, it probably won't matter. Shii Ann thanks them, and she sits down.
Jenna gets up and congratulates the two of them, and says that she doesn't feel all bitchy and bitter toward them the way that some of the others do. She's decided on a version of the high road, so she asks them (get this) what they're going to do with the money if they win. Rob says that he's a volunteer inline hockey coach, and that he'd love to do a scholarship fund for some of the kids go to college. Amber says that she has "a lot of good friends" with muscular dystrophy, including one friend who's only in her twenties, so that would be her charity of choice. Thanks, Jenna, for that break from the stream of ugliness, distasteful as that break may have been.
And now, Big Tom. He gets up. He tells Rob, "You did exactly what you said you -- oh, wait a minute," and then it's all this sarcastic blah blah blah, poor me, I made it to top five instead of top three like the three of us agreed. I've got news for you, Big Tom. If you had made top three, Rob would have won that immunity challenge and you would be sitting exactly where you are now. So as to the failure of Rob and Amber to take Tom to the final three, it made absolutely no difference. "Rob," he smirks , "I got goats on the farm, and when they get to runnin' a nanny, I castrate 'em, and I never seen a boy run a woman like you did." So, now we know Big Tom is also a sexist pig, in case you were wondering. I mean, come on. Rob may have carried Amber, but Rob certainly didn't "run" her, and even if he did, comparing women to sexually dominated barnyard animals is considered impolite in most circles. Alicia watches this with a twisted smirk that I certainly hope she had the sense to be really embarrassed about later. Tom goes on to ask Amber why he should give her the million and not Rob. She stammers that this isn't a question she's going to enjoy answering, but if she's forced to answer it, she'll be honest about it. "I'd appreciate that," Tom says sarcastically, as if Amber is the stupidest person who ever lived and he is so entertained by it all. She tells him she just means that with Rob sitting to her, it's not an easy thing to do. "Well, sometimes it's hard to be honest, Amber, I could tell you all about that," Big Tom says, even more sarcastically, because Big Tom is the Great Holy Man of Survivor, and didn't at all go directly from the finale to an interview with TV Guide in which he admitted that he intended to screw Rob and Amber the entire time until he figured out that Lex had blown it by coming in with numbers too small to sustain. Oh, wait -- actually, he did. So this entire load is just that -- a load. Big Tom's wounded-bird, I-would-have-been-loyal routine is an enormous pile of horseshit, nothing more and nothing less. The only reason Big Tom is angry is that Rob nailed his ass first -- that is it, period, end of sentence. Stow it, Tom.
Anyway, Amber's argument in her own favor is that if it comes down to who betrayed Tom more intensely, she thinks Rob did, because Rob had a tighter alliance with Tom to begin with. Big Tom acts like he doesn't know what she's talking about, so she explains it more explicitly. Big Tom then turns to Rob. "I've been with you from day one -- and I mean with you," Big Tom says, lying through his teeth, as he later openly admitted. Rob pretty much responds to all of Tom's heaping on of contempt rather than answering the question, since it's not a real question and there's no point. He tells Tom that they both know what really went on, and nobody else knows, and that's all he's saying: "You and I both know inside what really happened, and who said what, and who lied about what." Which, as stated above, is completely true, even though Big Tom does his best at this moment to pretend he has no idea what Rob is talking about. After Rob points out (correctly) that Tom was as prepared to screw Rob as Rob was to screw Tom, Tom walks over to Rob and extends his hand. "I just want to say, no hard feelings," Tom says. Rob goes to shake Tom's hand and, in what may be a new low for maturity levels in reality TV, Tom pulls his hand back at the last minute. "Don't be stupid, stupid," he snots. "I may have fell [sic] for that once -- I fell for it twice. Not this time." Oh, Big Tom. You hypocrite. Join the rest, I suppose. What an embarrassing display this is for a lot of people who used to have quite a bit of goodwill built up around them.
Then, mercifully, the jury of nitwits (without the wits) has finished talking at last. Jeff notes that lots of things have been said about the way Rob and Amber played. This is where they get to make a case for themselves. Amber says that she expected the jury conversation to be difficult, and then she actually claims that she learned from all of the dumb-ass things the jury said to her, and that she'll be thinking real hard about all of it later. Yeah, I'm sure. I would have had so much more respect for her if she hadn't said that. Stop apologizing, Amber. Anyway, Amber says that all of her answers were honest. Good for you, dear.
Rob says he's sorry for breaking alliances and hurting friendships, which -- ack, again, don't apologize. He says he's not feeling much better than he thinks the jurors are feeling. He says that he played the game hard, but that he thinks it may have been naïve to think that people on the jury would then feel okay about it. Which is probably true. This was pretty much Rob's fatal flaw in the game -- failure to predict what a bunch of whiny, self-righteous, hypocritical, diaper-wearing infants the majority of the jury was going to be. He says that the game got more personal than he thought it was going to, and then he's...oh, crying a little bit, which...just don't do that, Rob. It's only going to validate them. He says he had fun, and that he's sorry. Bleh.
Time to vote. Jenna goes first. She says she thinks Rob and Amber should both "step up and be proud" of what they did, because they beat everybody. She reveals her vote -- for Boston Rob. Alicia votes, and she gets all up in the camera's face, being way too satisfied with herself for keeping her "I will never write your name down" promise to Rob. If she had delivered that line with any subtlety at all, it would have been a little bit funny, but she does it with such a "SNAP! IN YOUR FACE!" thing going on that she essentially steps all over the potential for humor. I am shocked at the depth with which I came to despise some of these people, and some of them got much, much worse close to the end -- Alicia included. What an ass she came off as, just in these last couple of episodes. It's sad, because seriously, these people are done being famous. This is their last chance to make an impression, and this is the one Alicia wants to leave? Whatever.
Big Tom votes. "Rob, I thought of you as a brother," he says with great sadness. Because he wasn't at all going to roast Rob over a spit as soon as the merge happened. I'm not sure I'd want to be Big Tom's brother. Tom specifically says that as to voting Rob off, it "never once crossed [Tom's] mind." Which we now know to be a complete, unadulterated lie. Way to go, ass. I'm sure no one will ever find out about your pact with Lex. In fact, in his voting remarks, Tom has the nerve to suggest that when Rob finds out the truth, he'll call and apologize. Hm. I think somebody might need to do that, Big Tom, but I don't think it's going to be Rob.
Kathy votes for Rob, talking about how "friendship rules," so she wants him to have the million because she still loves their friendship. And because she has to prove that she's a good person. Better than anyone! Better than all of them!
Jeff goes and gets the votes. When he returns, he gives the blah blah blah we'll open the votes when we get back home and so forth. And then he takes off for his helicopter. Bye, Jeff! Jeff flies back to New York, and apparently decides that a good thing to do would be to hang out of the side of the chopper rather than doing a pansy-ass thing like keeping his hands and arms inside at all times so that he doesn't die. They try to duplicate the death-defying swoop of the opening episode of the season, but it doesn't really work that well. Suffice it to say that they get Jeff on the ground, and that he makes his way into Madison Square Garden and down the aisle to the stage at last. "What's goin' on, New York?" he asks. New York doesn't answer, except by going, "Woooo!" They're so standoffish there. "Let's get to this! Let's do it!" The crowd whoops and hollers.
Jeff points out that the first thing he sees is Amber's shirt. Yeah. Amber is wearing a yellow sleeveless top with a handpainted "I [heart] Rob" on the chest in giant letters. No, she really is. Significant segments of the audience boo. Hee. She leans down and gives Rob a defiant smooch. Jeff says that this apparently answers Kathy's question about whether Rob and Amber's relationship was going to last. Jeff calls it "a very personal season," and asks Amber, after the season, how she's feeling about her chances. She says she thinks she has a shot, but that she expects a close vote. Jeff turns to Rob and says to him that this was his season. He pushed everybody around physically and strategically, so how does he feel about the season? Rob says, "You know, Jeff, regahd-less of what happens here tonight with the vote, I feel like I already won." This weird lighting, I must say, is most unflattering to Rob, and makes him look really puffy. "I have the most special girl in the entire world sittin' here right to me, and if you don't mind, I'd like to say somethin' to her." Amber looks up -- and yes, you can tell she knew it was possible this would happen, but you can also tell she wasn't sure he'd go through with it. "Amber," he says, "we came a long way in this crazy game. I've seen you at your highest high and your lowest low. And between it all, we worked together as a team to accomplish so much. It was really crazy, and in the end, I ended up fallin' in love with you." [Audience: "Aww."] "You're the most amazing person I've ever met in my entire life, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." [Audience: "Wuh-wait-mugga-what? WOOOOOOO!"] He reaches for the pocket. He drops to the knee. He holds out the ring. "Amber, I love you with all my haaaaaht. Will you marry me?" She nods, she laughs, she holds out her finger, she gets the rock. And I, personally, think she looks happy. And her hand is shaking. Or maybe Rob's hand is shaking. And you kind of can't tell, which is cute. Anyway, they kiss. In the audience, their families celebrate. They kiss more. The lights come up. "You okay?" Rob asks her with a laugh as they stop making out.
Jeff shuts the crowd up, and his first comment is that, in case we're wondering, that wasn't the twist. HA! I thought that was funny, since he had specifically been asked during the week whether it was, and he had assured people it wasn't. Jeff gives props to the folks and asks if Rob told anyone he was doing this, and he said yes -- he talked to his parents, and he asked Amber's parents. Jeff looks around, and you can tell he's sort of thinking, "Way to step on the vote," but he's also kind of amused, so he just says they still have the vote to get to. And in his weirdest and worst moment of the night, Jeff smarms, "Suddenly, Amber's a millionaire, no matter how you look at it!" Wh-what? Aren't they both? Is Rob's money Amber's money but not vice-versa, or what? That made no sense. Weirdo.